a SIMPLE MARRIAGE
manifesto
Create a better marriage by keeping things simple.

By Dr. Corey Allan

THIS MANIFESTO IS FREE TO SHARE, PLEASE, SPREAD THE WORD.

 
A simple marriage manifesto
By Dr. Corey Allan
Simple Marriage
http://www.simplemarriage.net

The information contained in this document is free to share

and use. Please spread the word throughout the blogosphere,
Internet, Facebook, Twitter, email and face-to-face
conversations. Thank you.

 
 -3–
A Simple Marriage Manifesto

“A relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move

forward or it dies.” ~ Woody Allen  
Both men and women tend to be equally bad at frustration, disappointment, and anxiety (your
relationships, so the health of your relationship with your parents is also capable of
relationship is actually in your hands. this but marriage provides a container for this
and marriage is chosen, your family of origin is
Every couple that comes to see me in my marriage not).
counseling practice does so with certain expectations
- the number one is to seek my help in working on
their relationship.

At the outset of our time together, just as I do

with the couples I work with, let me be clear
about this expectation.

The idea that you and your spouse can seek out
help in working on your relationship is
flawed, because you’ve got it backwards.

The relationship is working on you!

It’s the way relationships are designed.

Relationships are designed as people growing

machines – especially marriage. No other
relationship will produce the possibilities for
more joy, love, and connection, as well as

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

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A Simple Marriage Manifesto

Entering the matrix
One of my favorite movies is The Matrix, the
story of Thomas Anderson (Neo) who works in a
cubicle and lives a regular life until he meets
Morpheus, who introduces him to the fact the
world around them isn’t real.
The idea of this manifesto is not to save your
marriage (although I hope and believe it can), nor
is it to end your relationship - it is intended to
help you and your spouse become better people
(to lean into the people growing process of
marriage). Do this, and this manifesto will
improve your marriage, and your life.

Similar to Morpheus’ proposal to Neo, you are

being presented a blue pill or a red pill.

If you take the blue pill, you will read through

this on the surface, you may agree with the
premise of this manifesto but not actually apply
any of this to your life. In other words, you will
largely continue with marriage and life as you
have been. Believing whatever you wish to
believe all the while living unaware of the
natural dynamics impacting you and your
spouse.

If you choose to take the red pill … hold on.

Things are about to change. The way you view

what goes on in marriage will be different. If
your marriage is in crisis, this view may not
save your current relationship, it will help you
to know better where you stand in the
relationship, as well as your spouse.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

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A Simple Marriage Manifesto
Growing up
One of the things you read a lot at Simple
Marriage is the idea that marriage is
designed to help you grow up. In
psychobabble terms this is referred to as
differentiation, which may appear to be the
same as individuation (or becoming your own
person) but it’s not.
Differentiation (referred to as growing up or
being emotionally mature) encompasses two
things:
1. It’s the ability to separate your two main
ways of processing the world around you,
thinking and feeling. Every one of us has the
ability to access both of these processes, and
you likely have a primary way of processing
things. You may be a thinker in how you
process the world, or you could be a feeler.
Differentiation involves a higher order way of
processing, as it’s the ability to choose how you
want to respond. You can think or feel, while
being dominated by neither.
Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net
2. It also involves balancing two fundamental
life forces: the drive for separateness and the
drive for togetherness. Separateness propels
us to be on our own, to chart our own course in
life, and to create our own identity.
Togetherness pushes us to be part of a group,
to connect with others, and experience things
only relationships can provide.
When these two life forces are expressed in
balanced, healthy ways, meaningful
relationships are created where both members
develop into better people.
In essence, a marriage works more on the
people involved than the people involved
work on the marriage.
Growing up can be conceptualized as a
continuum of functioning: from high to low.
People at a higher level of growth are able to
separate thinking from feeling - and they are
better able to choose which type of functioning,
whether it be emotional or intellectual, guides
their behavior. They are better able to balance
thinking and feeling, and are more capable of
balancing strong emotion and spontaneity with
self-regulation and objectivity.
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A Simple Marriage Manifesto

Emotionally mature people are also able to In relationships, the lower the growth level, the
accept responsibility for their emotions without higher the need for important or significant
blaming others. others to think, feel, and behave in certain
ways.
Also, within a committed relationship, the
higher the level of growth, the greater the A spouse’s thoughts, actions, and even beliefs
capacity for intimate contact with others are viewed as a reflection of themselves rather
without being reflexively shaped by them, and than simply the belief of another person.
the greater the capacity to allow others the
room to be themselves. They have the ability to
invest themselves in their spouse and the
relationship without becoming dependent on
either (one of the scariest aspects of marriage
is the fact that your spouse is a separate being
beyond your control. They can behave however
they like and can choose to do whatever they
want).

Meanwhile, people with lower levels of growth

have difficulty distinguishing between their
thoughts and feelings, and have little
autonomous identity. A less emotionally mature
person is so flooded with feelings, that he or
she is almost incapable of objective thinking.
Behavior is governed by emotional reactions to
the dictates or feelings of others. They are
more vulnerable to stress, tend to have more
life problems, and are less flexible in attempting
to solve problems – especially during times of
crisis, like the possible dissolution of a marriage
or the discovery of a spouse’s betrayal.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

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A Simple Marriage Manifesto

Another alternative It makes sense, because if they no longer prop

you up, or are capable of supporting you, you
Imagine two people standing face to face about risk falling.
5 feet apart from one another, their arms are at
Here’s an example of how this plays out.
extended in front of themselves and they are
leaning into one another holding each other up. A husband and wife are sitting in my office
Together they create the letter A (pictured in discussing their marriage. Often times, the
the center). husband is frustrated (actually
they both are). No matter
In this type of a
what he has tried in the past,
relationship, where is your
he has never seemed to find
focus going to be when it the right formula for keeping
comes to your own
his wife happy, in a good
stability, importance,
mood, and wanting sex. He is
value, and balance? cautiously hopeful that there
Answer: Your partner. is indeed a way to understand
women, and to have the kind
Because your remaining of relationship he thought he
upright and functioning is would have when they first
contingent on their began dating.
propping you up and
keeping you balanced. If Both he and she are in my
  office because neither one is
they slip, stumble, move
away, say something you don’t like (or you say really happy.
something your partner doesn’t like) or choose
Typically, they both believe that the other
to leave, you’ll fall. So your focus winds up
person is the cause of their dissatisfaction. He
being completely on them and their feelings, believes that if she were different, everything
happiness, or fear of their disapproval.
would be okay. She is convinced that if he
would change, she would be happy.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

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A Simple Marriage Manifesto

They each see the other as the problem.

Both are wrong.

Actually, it’s not their fault. They are just doing

what their parents did (or maybe trying to do
the opposite). They are using the relationship
skills and defenses they learned while they
were kids. She expects her husband to be like
her girlfriends. He thinks that she thinks like he
does. She keeps trying to get him to talk. He
keeps trying to get her to want more sex.

They both mistakenly assume they want the

same thing. The problem is they communicate
in two different languages.

All the while their focus is on their spouse

because their own balance in life is based on
their spouse’s being there for them or meeting
their needs.

One of the main ideas behind Simple

Marriage is to shift the focus away from
your spouse and place it squarely on your
own shoulders.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

 -9–
A Simple Marriage Manifesto
Standing on your own
two feet
When your focus shifts off of your partner and
on to yourself, a couple of things happen. One,
you take pressure off of your spouse and their
need to change and then two, you take charge
of what you control in the relationship –
yourself.
INSANITY is doing more of the same and
expecting different results. When what most
couples are doing isn't working, they act insane
- they keep doing more of the same.
Many people feel frustrated by their inability to
create and maintain the kind of passionate,
satisfying relationships they so deeply crave.
Due to fear, habit, self-limiting beliefs, and the
application of a flawed model of relationship-
leadership, they trudge along doing the same
old thing while magically expecting different
results.
Luckily, there is an antidote to all the insanity.
Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net
When a person shows up in their intimate
relationship, takes responsibility for
setting the tone for himself or herself, and
takes the lead for their own life with love
and integrity, both them and their partner
have the greatest opportunity to
experience what they both most deeply
desire.
By learning how to stand on your own two feet
your relationship possibilities become limitless.
Here are just a few ways you can learn to stand
on your own two feet:
• Be honest and transparent
• Learning how to be 100% present
• Set healthy boundaries
• Creating a great life and allowing your
spouse to be the“icing” on the cake
• Beginning to do what is challenging rather
than what is expedient
 - 10 –
A Simple Marriage Manifesto

The payoff for standing

on your own two feet
It may seem counter-intuitive to focus more on
yourself in order to create a better relationship,
but it’s exactly how it happens.

A relationship that leans

on each other can never
get as close as you
probably want it to. Look
at the first drawing again.

How close can that couple

get to each other?

Not very.

But a couple where both

people stand on their own
two feet can get as close
as they choose (pictured
on the right).
 

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

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A Simple Marriage Manifesto
Blow up your relationship
By growing up and taking the lead in your
intimate relationship, it will both grow and
become more than you ever imagined, or it will
crumble into dust and be swept away. Either
way, the question of whether to stay or leave
becomes a no-brainer.
It is your job to “blow up” your
relationship. When you grow up, you allow
your relationship to get to rejection quickly.
In this way you can clearly know what to do
next.
By the way, getting to rejection quickly does
not mean you quickly decide to leave because
of your spouse’s rejection – it means that you
put more of yourself out there and become
more present in the relationship. You let your
wants be known by making them a priority for
you.
Several clients with whom I’ve worked have
decided to get to rejection quickly by growing
up and being more honest and transparent and
they’ve experienced a growth of passion and
happiness with their spouse that they had never
thought possible. By taking responsibility for
their own life and needs, they gave themselves,
Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net
their partner, and their relationship the chance
to become all they could be.
Alternatively, one of my clients spent years
trying to avoid conflict and make his wife
happy. He lived in fear of her moods and
reactions. After reading about being a “Nice
Guy” and this idea of getting to rejection, he
decided to do the same thing in his marriage.
Instead of avoiding issues that he thought
might upset his wife, he decided to lean into his
fear and to quickly find out what would happen
if he were completely honest and
straightforward. Within just a few weeks of
practicing this, it became clear that his
marriage was over (and that she had already
found someone else). He has continued to
follow this idea and has begun a new
relationship with a woman and has never been
happier.
When tough times happen in marriage and one
or both of you find yourselves unhappy, no
longer in love, or constantly fighting, growing
up and leaning into the conflict is the quickest
path to a clear answer.
A SIDE NOTE: You can’t think your way
through this situation. You have to act
your way through.
 - 12 –
A Simple Marriage Manifesto

Staying only marginally in and being lazy in the

relationship by waiting for your spouse to
change or do something different is a cancer.

Many couples co-exist in smoldering

unhappiness, resentment and frustration for
years. My wife and I have been there
personally, and I’ve watched it over and over
again professionally. Being only part-way-in
kills relationships and destroys the people
involved. Unfortunately, people have the ability
to inflict suffering on their partner (and to
tolerate their own suffering) for years.

No matter what your current relationship

looks like, by growing up, you can step up
and give it the chance to become all that it
can be.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

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A Simple Marriage Manifesto
What growing up is and
isn’t
When you begin to view marriage as an
opportunity to grow up, you will begin to see
the life forces of separateness and togetherness
playing out in your life and marriage.
Men will often sacrifice their relationships in
order to maintain their sense of self, while
women tend to sacrifice themselves in order to
maintain their relationships.
Growing up is about having more of a
relationship with yourself and more
relationship with your partner. It’s having
your feelings without your feelings having
you.
Giving up your separateness in order to be
together is as defeating in the long run as
giving up your relationship in order to maintain
your separateness. Either way, you end up
being less of a person with less of a
relationship.
Growing up requires quite a bit of work and is
often confused with other ideas, so here’s a few
important clarifications:
Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net
Growing up requires the ability to maintain
a solid sense of self when your partner is
away or you’re not currently in a primary
love relationship.
Growing up values contact but doesn’t fall apart
when you’re alone. This is especially difficult
during crisis points in marriage. Where it seems
the marriage may fall apart if you give up on it.
Growing up means you allow the relationship to
take care of itself while you take care of you.
Be honest - but don’t force it. Be present and
lead your life with love and integrity.
Growing up does not involve any lack of
feelings or emotions.
Growing up means you can evaluate your
emotions (and your spouse’s) both subjectively
and objectively. In other words, you can
connect with your spouse without fear of being
swept up in their emotions. You can have your
feelings without them having you because they
don’t control or define your sense of self.
When people scream “I got to be me!” “I
need space!” and “That’s just the way I
am!” they are not growing up.
In fact, just the opposite. When you are afraid
you’ll disappear in the relationship you do
things in order to avoid your spouse’s emotional
 - 14 –
A Simple Marriage Manifesto

engulfment. This is different than boundary
setting, which is an important aspect of growing
up. The difference is boundary setting while
growing up is done in the context of staying in
the relationship (i.e. in close proximity and
restricted space). The process of holding onto
yourself in the midst of an important
relationship is what creates growth.
Growing up means becoming solid but
permeable.
When you have solid core beliefs and values,
you can adapt and change without losing your
identity. You can be influenced by others and
adjust to new circumstances as the situations
warrant. It is important to realize however, this
flexible sense of identity develops slowly over
time, requires soul-searching deliberation, and
is not simply adapting to the wishes of others.
As you reach higher levels of growth, your view
of conflict in relationships will dramatically shift.
“What I want for myself versus what I want for
you” shifts to “What I want for myself versus
my wanting for you what you want for
yourself.”
When you feel you need to talk your partner
out of what he or she wants in order for you to
get your way, you lose.
When things in marriage seem the toughest,
remember this statement:
Whatever you are 100% responsible for, you’re
100% responsible for it. If you’re not 100%
responsible for it, you’re not at all responsible
for it.
This begins and ends with you.

Your personal development is

not selfish.
You can choose to be guided by your partner’s
best interests, even at the price of your own
agenda. This is often the price of committed
relationships. Your partner is a separate
individual – just like you. You can reach a point
where what they want for themselves is as
important to you as what you want for yourself.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

 - 15 –
A Simple Marriage Manifesto

My Challenge to You
Growing up is the most courageous action you
can take in any relationship situation.

It challenges you to act with integrity and

love. It forces you to grow, and to become
your best self. It invites your spouse to do the
same. It gives your relationship the opportunity
to become all that it can be. It reveals the truth
of any situation.

Great relationships don't happen by

accident or luck.

They are the result of people becoming

conscious of how they get in their own way, and
discovering how to act with genuine love and
integrity toward their spouse.

You can have the kind of amazing relationship

you have always wanted. I warn you though: it
isn’t always easy - but it’s worth it.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net  

 - 16 –
A Simple Marriage Manifesto

What’s next?
I don’t believe that what happens in life is
fate. Marriage is one of the greatest
relationships and experiences. It is also a
choice. Remember the Choose Your Own
Adventure books? Life is like that. So is
marriage. It’s waiting for you to decide
whether your relationships will be
average or great.

What will you choose?

It’s your turn now.

Strength and honor,

Corey

Please do me a couple of favors: If this manifesto

has meant anything to you, come over and post a
short comment on my site. I’d really appreciate it.

http://www.simplemarriage.net/manifesto.html

Also, spread word. Share this with your friends,

family, co-workers, neighbors, blog readers, and
the people you meet on the street. Thank you.

Dr. Corey Allan | http://www.simplemarriage.net