Comm 324 Chapter 4 Notes

In this chapter, we explain our S‐TLC system for dealing with conflicts, assertiveness, I‐statements,
and the six‐step approach to confronting others in conflict situations. (p. 78)
‐TLC system is an acronym for Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate. (p. 78)
Stopping is like taking a time out. When you realize that a conflict exists, begin by saying: “Stop!” For
many people this is not too difficult. For others acquiring skills for slowing down the conflict is
imperative. Some suggestions are as follows:
1. Exit temporarily to calm yourself. It is helpful to let the other person know that you are not
abandoning the situation and will return.
2. Get a glass of water or some other beverage and take sips of the beverage before you respond to
the other person.
3. Count backward from 100.
4. Change the problematic topic for a while to allow time for the air to clear.
– (p. 79)

Thinking in Conflict Situations

Thinking about the conflict means that you consider its cause and possible outcomes before you take
action (p. 79)

Thinking about Doing Nothing or about Changing the Other Person,

Situation, or Self
The first step in thinking about a conflict is to understand that we have at least four options to
contemplate (p. 79)
• - we can do nothing and try to live with the situation
◦ Sometimes that is our best choice, but usually it leaves a situation unchanged, continually
eating away at us, and making us more miserable. (p. 79)
• - we can try to change the other person
◦ How can one person change another? Can or should we persuade the other to change his or
her wants or needs? Sometimes it is in the best interests of the other person to do so. At
other times, our desire to change the other has more to do with our own needs, which may
seem selfish to the other. While this is an option, don’t be surprised when other people resist
your efforts to get them to change. (p. 79)
• - we can try to change ourselves
◦ How can people change themselves? Can or should they change their wants or needs? You
might decide that the best course of action is to adapt to the situation. You may find that it is
not as difficult as you imagined. Sometimes we even acquire new interests, beliefs, or
actions because we tried doing something different. (p. 79)
 • - we can try to change the situation
◦ How can a person change the situation? This is a drastic step because it involves changing
the environment, context, or relationship. It may mean finding new roommates, partners, or
friends. It may mean moving to a different location that better meets everyone’s wants and
needs. A change in situation includes the possibility of breaking up with someone or
changing jobs. Because changing a situation is a major undertaking, it generally only occurs
when the other options don’t work out and more drastic measures need to be taken. (p. 79)

Thinking about Your Goals

A key factor to think about prior to confronting another person is your and the other person’s goals. To
do this, you need to understand the four types of goals that are relevant. (p. 79)
• Instrumental goals are those that require the opponent to “remove a specific obstacle blocking
completion of a task.”(p. 79)
◦ eg If you want a professor to change a grade, for instance, your instrumental goal is the
actual changing of the grade as a result of your interaction with the professor. (p. 79)
• Relational goals involve attempts to gain power and to establish trust as the relationship
between those in the conflict is established.
◦ Relational goals would include establishing your right to question the grade you received
while not infringing on the professor’s power. (p. 79)
• Identity goals concern how those in the conflict situation view each other.
◦ While people are generally motivated to maintain and support each other’s self‐image, they
sometimes desire to attack the image of the other in a conflict situation. In questioning a
grade, for example, you would want to make sure that you do not personally attack the
professor; comments such as “your grades are unfair” or “you never give consideration to
what I say” are attacks on identity. A more supportive comment is “I believe I met the
requirements because I . . .” (p. 79)
• Process goals, which refer to alternative ways to manage conflict communication. One party
may prefer openness, consensus, and fairness, while the other prefers to keep feelings and wants
private, maintain control, and win every argument. (p. 80)
◦ The conflicting parties might raise and discuss such questions as, “Is their relationship
important to them both? Is there one style of communication and conflict that would
enhance their relationship more than others? What happens to the relationship if only one
person gets his or her way now or most times? Are both parties skilled in constructive
conflict management techniques?” Competing process goals make conflicts over issues
difficult to manage or resolve. (p. 80)

Listening in Conflict Situations

Listen before you say anything! The tendency of most people is to justify themselves the moment they
hear criticism, rather than really listening to what the other person is saying. We believe that the ability
to truly hear what the other person is saying is as important as what we say in a conflict. (p. 80)
Listening consists of focusing one’s attention on the other person. It is characterized by openness to the
other person’s views, willingness to suspend judgment during the discussion, and patience to hear the
other out. Listening involves both an empathic response to the other person, and a commitment to hear
to all the other person has to say, (p. 80)
We typically feel defensive when others have something critical to say about us. We do not want to
know that we are not doing well or not doing all we should do. We want to think everything is fine.
Defensiveness is a state of emotional arousal that occurs when we believe that the other person is
attacking us, which in turn affects our behavior. As a result, we have difficulty hearing what the other is
saying and reject outright the other person’s ideas. (p. 80)
• Defensiveness arises from the interaction of people in a situation and occurs when people have
a perceived flaw that they do not want to admit, and they are sensitive to that flaw. When
sensitive people believe that another has attacked their flaw, they respond by defending
themselves.7People who think they are listened to are less likely to feel attacked. Listening is a
way of reducing both our own and others’ defensiveness. (p. 80)
Effective listening consists of several skills, some of which may seem obvious to you, and some that
may seem new. Listening cues, such as head nods and “uh‐huh,” are important. These “response
tokens” show that you are interested and willing to let the other continue. (p. 81)
In addition, you can engage in these behaviors to help to make you a better listener in conflict
situations.
1. Shift your attention from whatever you are doing and to the other person.
2. Look at the other person.
3. Try to understand the other person’s feelings rather than focusing on arguing with the other
person.
– (p. 81)

Communicating in Conflict Situations

Asserting Yourself
Finally, you could sit down and discuss the problem with the other person in a collaborative manner. If
you choose the latter, assertiveness plays an important role. (p. 81)
Assertive communication is defined as the ability to speak up for one’s interests, concerns, or rights in
a way that does not interfere with the interests or infringes on the rights of others. (p. 81)
Assertive communication behavior gives others a chance to improve the situation, which is a good idea
when a relationship is important to you. She or he says what the problem is so that the other may
choose to do something about it. The other person may not respond in a manner that the assertive
person would prefer, but at least the other is given a chance to do so. By getting troubles off our chests,
we can monitor one another, adapt as needed, and avoid little problems turning into bigger ones. People
who are assertive with one another have the greatest chance of achieving mutual satisfaction and
growth in their relationship. (p. 81)
Central to assertiveness is the idea that we all have basic communication rights. Think about your
present relationships at home, school, work, and free time and consider whether these rights are being
respected. You have the right to
1. be listened to and taken seriously
2. say no, refuse requests, and turn down invitations without feeling guilty or being accused of
selfishness
3. be treated as an adult with respect and consideration
4. expect that others do not talk to you in a condescending way
5. not feel what others want you to feel, not see the world as they would have you perceive it, and
not adopt their values as your own
6. have your own feelings and opinions as long as you express them in a way that doesn’t violate
the rights of others
7. have and express your interests, needs, and concerns as long as you do so in a responsible
manner
8. change your opinions, feelings, needs, and behaviors
9. meet other people and talk to them
10. privacy—to keep confidential or personal matters to yourself
11. have others leave you alone if you wish
12. ask others to listen to your ideas
13. ask for help or information from experts and professionals, especially when you are paying for
it
14. not assert yourself, confront someone, or resolve a conflict
15. ask others to change their behavior when it continues to violate your rights
- (p. 82)

The Six‐Step Confrontation Process

We begin by defining confrontation as an interpersonal conflict communication process in which the
parties call attention to problems or issues as they occur between them and express their feelings,
beliefs, and wants to one another. (p. 83)
Six Confrontation Steps
1. Preparation: Identify your problems/needs/issues.
1. This process is the stop and think portion of the S‐TLC model. At this stage, self‐talk is
important. Self‐talk, as you can guess, is verbalizing, either out loud or to ourselves, inner
messages. People can talk themselves out of confronting others, they can talk themselves
into it, or they can talk themselves into handling confrontation in negative, destructive ways.
(p. 84)
2. Asking yourself, “who, what, where, when, and how,” enables you to examine many more
aspects of a situation to determine what the problem is, how it affects you and the
 relationship, and how you feel about it. (p. 84)
3. You need to determine what you want (your goal). Ask yourself what is likely to happen if
you don’t receive what you want or what could happen to the relationship if you do. (p. 84)
4. Imagined interaction, which serves a planning function, is a form of intrapersonal
communication in which you think about what you might say and another might say in
response to you in a particular conversation.11 People who imagine interactions with others
do not actually think about the interaction as they expect it to occur. (p. 84)
2. Arrange for a time and place to meet and talk.
1. You might tell the person that “we need to talk about . . .” Most people understand that the
statement, “We need to talk about . . .” is an invitation to confront, creating the initiation
stage of the successful conflict process as described in Chapter 1 (p. 84)
2. Personally, we think you need to provide a little bit about the subject so that the other person
has some idea about the topic of discussion, otherwise she or he may worry about something
that has nothing to do with the meeting. (p. 84)
3. Interpersonal confrontation: Talk to the other person about your problem.
1. Stage three is the actual interpersonal confrontation, where you talk to the other person
about your problems, needs, or issues. This is the stage where assertiveness plays an
important role because you call attention to a problem or issue and give voice to your wants,
interests, or needs. When you want to assert yourself, follow these suggestions:
• Stand tall, or if sitting, lean slightly forward, but don’t crowd the other person.
• Keep at least a couple of feet between you both.
• Look at the person, but don’t stare (suggestion: focus on her or his forehead).
• Look serious, but don’t frown, glare, or appear menacing.
• Speak firmly, calmly, slowly, and don’t allow yourself to become verbally aggressive.
• Use open gestures, and avoid any threatening gestures such as arm waving, pointing,
standing up, or making a fist.
• State your own point of view in terms of your needs, wants, interests, and concerns, but
find something on which you both agree (p. 85)
4. Consider your partner’s point of view: Listen, empathize, and respond with understanding.
1. Empathy is the ability to consider another person’s beliefs or feelings, so that we can see the
situation from the perspective of the other. Empathy does not require that we agree with the
other’s perspective, but it does allow us to understand it.
2. some individuals suffer from informational reception apprehension, which is an emotional
state in which a person finds it difficult to respond to what is being said. A person
experiencing this apprehension may not be able to even hear what the other is saying, much
less process or interpret the meaning of the message.17This concept is particularly relevant
because people often fear what others may say in a conflict situation. They may blame us,
bring up undesirable information, or remind us of past incidents. However, it is important
that you open yourself to the other’s point of view. Hopefully, you can see that the need to
“hear the person out” outweighs the unpleasantness of what the other may have to say. (p.
85)
 3. When we listen to another’s feelings, sensitivity is important. Perhaps one of the most
disconfirming actions we can take is to tell others that they have no right to feel the way
they do. Instead, focus on why others feel the way they do and what role those feelings play
in the conflict. If a listener responds to a statement like “I get angry when I think you are
taking advantage of me,” by disparaging the feeling (“You can’t really be angry over this”),
the speaker will be less likely to continue the conflict episode to a mutually satisfactory
ending. More likely, the person raising the issue will shut down and say something like,
“Never mind. It doesn’t matter,” leaving both people feeling that the issue is unresolved. (p.
86)
4. Another disconfirming action is the response many people make when listening to others: “I
know exactly how you feel.” . . .Rothwell refers to this as a “shift” response, as opposed to a
“support” response. . .The emphasis is on “I” (my wants, needs, desires, and importance),
not on “you” (your wants, needs, desires, and importance). If you tell me how angry you are
with me because I was on the phone when you expected an important call and I say, “I know
just how you feel. Last week I didn’t get an important call, either,” whose feelings become
the focus of attention? Mine do. How is it different if I respond, “I didn’t realize that you
were expecting a call” or “You’re really angry, aren’t you”? This response makes your
feelings the focus of my attention and, in doing so, acknowledges my responsibility in the
conflict and my willingness to make amends. (p. 86)
5. Resolve the problem: Make a mutually satisfying agreement.
1. An important step in managing conflict is coming to a mutual understanding and reaching
an agreement. We sometimes find it helpful to put the agreement in writing for future
reference (“You say I agreed to what?”). We need to request specific actions. The reason we
request the action is shown in the expression of needs. Through the expression of specific
wants, and having reached an agreement, conflicting parties can give the outcome a try, and
attempt the last step, review and reevaluation. Many interpersonal conflicts are resolved
with rather simple agreements (“OK, I agree to do the dishes on days you work”).(p. 86)
6. Follow up on the solution: Set a time limit for reevaluation.
1. The entire confrontation process does not stop with an understanding, agreement, or
resolution; it ends only after successful performance overtime, which is determined (and
more likely guaranteed) by a review at a later date, because a true resolution or an
agreement is one that works or is actually carried out. We suggest that you set a date with
the other to return to the issue at hand to evaluate the progress made, reward yourself if
successful, or to revise your agreement if not. After a few weeks, discuss to what extent the
necessary changes have actually occurred.

I‐Statements: Avoiding Defensiveness

Key to a productive conflict is the ability for grieving individuals to effectively communicate their
desires for change without offending the other person so much that he or she stops listening.
Clearly, the way we state problems in a conflict situation affects the other person’s response. (p. 87)
I‐statements personalize the conflict by owning up to our feelings rather than making them the
responsibility of the other person. (p. 87)
I‐statements are also an important part of being assertive. They call attention to both our rights as a
communicator (to express our feelings) and our responsibilities (to communicate those feelings in a
way that reflects ownership of them and doesn’t infringe on the rights of others). Central to the notion
of assertiveness is responsibility—for your actions, for your feelings, for your words, and for the
consequences of all of them. This suggests that when we take responsibility for how we feel and act,
we start to realize that in every conflict situation all parties to the conflict have contributed to it in some
way. (p. 87)
– eg She made me upset vs I was angry

When I have to put gas in my car after you use

I feel annoyed Because I end up having to take the time to get gas
it
– (p. 89)
Feelings statement: a description of your feelings (e.g., feeling angry, neglected, offended, surprised,
depressed, or unhappy). It is important to link our feelings to particular situations; vague feelings often
create frustration in the listener.
1. Problematic behavior statement: a description of the offensive, upsetting, incorrect, selfish,
problem‐producing behavior (e.g., the other saying something insulting, nasty, or sarcastic,
leaving clothes all over the room, or forgetting an important date).
2. Consequences statement: a description of the consequences the problematic behavior has for
you or others (e.g., wastes your time, you have to expend the effort, you could lose friends, or
your parents may get angry). The statement contains the word “because.” Ask yourself why you
want the other person to change his or her behavior. What adverse impact does that behavior
have on you? This may seem like stating the obvious but others do not always think about how
their behavior impacts on you, so they need to be reminded.
3. Goal statement: a description of what you want specifically (e.g., one may want the other to
appear on time in the future or call if delayed). It states what you want, would like, prefer, hope
for, expect, or ask (avoid using words such as “demand,” “require,” and “or else”). A major
challenge is identifying what you really want and stating your position in a clear way that
specifically describes what it takes to satisfy you.
– (p. 90)
I get too mad to be nice. Instead of using I‐language, it is tempting to hit the other person where it
hurts. This option seems particularly tempting when the other person has already hurt us. If you
value your interpersonal relationship, you owe it to yourself and the other person to resolve the
problem in a constructive and positive way. Owning your feelings, using the words “I think,” “I feel,”
and “I want,” minimizes the possibility of regret over what is said. I‐statements make one more
assertive without producing ill feelings and provoking retaliatory behavior. (p. 91)
Creativity is a process of making sense of some problem in a new way.22Why is creativity important?
Perhaps the most important reason creativity is important is a self‐serving one: You are more likely to
develop mutually satisfying outcomes in conflict situations when you and the other party approach your
conflicts creatively. (p. 91)
Most authors identify four stages of the creative process:
• The preparation stage includes all your previous learning as well as any information you gather
to address the problem at hand.
• The incubation stage is a period of thinking about the problem—giving it time to take shape and
 form.
• The illumination stage occurs when a particular idea finally appears in response to the problem.
• The verification stage allows you to test whether the creative response you have come upon
truly works.
Can we learn to be creative? Generally speaking, the answer is yes. One of the most stunning findings
in all the work on creativity is this: There are not a lot of innate differences between people who are
creative and people who are not. Most important to becoming more creative is the decision to do so. (p.
91)
Trained incapacities refer to a person’s abilities and talents that actually limit the person’s thinking.
Because the behavior has become generally beneficial (in nonconflict situations), the person expects it
to work in all situations, but sometimes the ability may interfere with creativity. Two such trained
incapacities are task‐oriented/goal‐centeredness and critical thinking. (p. 92)
If you are task‐oriented and goal‐centered, you need to realize that your approach may have some
limitations. You want to stop occasionally to ask if everyone is “on board” or feeling rushed. You might
plan in some time for reflection. “Let us not make a decision today but sleep on it and meet again
tomorrow. Let’s take time to try to think of alternatives, imagine the possible outcomes of our decision,
and determine whether we can live with this decision.” (p. 92)
As a second trained incapacity, critical thinking is the ability to evaluate and challenge an idea that
other people take for granted. Critical thinking may generate new ideas and insights and enable a more
complete discussion of an issue. However, critical thinking can also stifle the introduction of new ideas
or issues, leading to situations in which individuals fear voicing their own opinions and ideas for fear of
rejection. When critical thinking is seen as attacking others’ ideas, they may no longer want to
participate in the discussion. (p. 92)

Creativity as Thinking Differently

To approach problems creatively, we often have to think of them differently. One way to do this is to
start asking questions that we don’t normally ask. (p. 93)
• For example, we can ask “what if” in silly ways. “How would I respond if the other person were
the president of the United States?” “How would I respond if the other were a gorilla?” “What
would I do if I knew I only had 10 days to live?” The point is to ask questions that may not even
be related to the conflict in order to think about it differently. (p. 93)
• Second, we can imagine how others might handle the conflict. (p. 93)
• In vertical thinking, we move through a series of steps, making sure that one is completed
before the next one is started.
◦ If we were to take a vertical thinking approach to the process of conflict as we do in Chapter
2 , we would analyze everything about the prelude before thinking about the triggering
event, everything about the triggering event before the initiation, and everything about each
of the other steps before moving on to the next. This is a good way to begin thinking about a
conflict. But it may not give us all the information we need if the conflict is complex or
ambiguous. The danger inherent in vertical thinking is that, if we believe we have drawn
all the right conclusions as we go along, the final conclusion is inevitable. We won’t
reconsider how we got there. (p. 94)
• Lateral thinking “is concerned with restructuring . . . patterns (insights) and provoking new ones
(creativity).
◦ ”27Brainstorming is one way to engage in lateral thinking. To utilize brainstorming, we
would permit every group member’s contribution regardless of how ridiculous it might
seem. We will have more to say about brainstorming in Chapter 11. Whereas in vertical
thinking we search for the “right” pattern, in lateral thinking we search for all the patterns
we can see. Lateral thinking does not require that we be right; it only requires that we
consider a number of different options. Sometimes a bad option causes one to think of a
much better one, or causes one to see ways to combine bad and good options into a superior
one. (p. 94)
◦ Another means of lateral thinking is reversal, or working backwards from the goal or end
result.
◦ A third means of lateral thinking is changing the choice of entry point and attention area.
Whereas the entry point is the part of the problem or situation that is first examined, the
attention point is often the triggering event we identified back in Chapter 1 and is the part of
the problem that is usually focused on.
▪ Suppose I realize that you are not speaking to me (entry point). When asked, you say it
is because I didn’t call when you thought I should (attention point). Whereas normally a
lot of the conflict would now center around the fact that my not calling you upset you,
we might suggest that you consider the following: (1) Why were you so upset or
offended when I didn’t call (focus more on the entry point)? (2) Why did I forget to call
(focus more on the attention point)? These questions create different views of the
conflict to make available more ways for resolving it.
◦ A fourth means of lateral thinking is the Six Hats method. Six Hats refers to another
problem‐solving approach created by de Bono, which is a method for pulling together a
variety of ways to more creatively manage conflicts in one’s life. In this approach, you ask
questions from different vantage points. The various hats and their questions are as follows:
• White Hat— calls for information known or needed. Using the white hat approach, you
would list everything you know about the conflict—who is involved, why they are
involved, what the issues are, when the conflict started, and so on.
• Red Hat— signifies feelings, hunches, and intuition. Using the red hat approach, you
would list the feelings you have about the conflict. What do you think is going on that
might not be evident?
• Yellow Hat— symbolizes values and beliefs. From this perspective, you want to think
about whether the solution you’re seeking is consistent with the person you believe
yourself to be. Is it something that can work for you? Is it something you can live with?
Is it something you can be proud of?
• Black Hat— stands for a contrarian judgment, the devil’s advocate. Now you focus on
why something may not work or why it could go wrong. The black hat approach is
pessimistic. When everything is going well, what are you overlooking that could go
wrong?
• Green Hat— focuses on creativity: unforeseen possibilities, imaginative alternatives,
 and new ideas. The green hat asks for different ways of looking at the problem. This is
the lateral thinking approach.
• Blue Hat— takes a macro approach to managing the thinking process. Using a blue hat
perspective is a way of keeping yourself honest in the whole process. Have you really
thought of all the angles? Are there other ways of achieving the same goal? Is the goal
worthwhile?
• (p. 95)
◦