Dear Brother,

Congratulations on succeeding in high school and committing to a stellar university. I applaud

the work you have completed so far, but warn you that as you move forward, standards will not
stay constant. This letter will help. It provides tips and lessons that may ease your transition. I
analyzed an essay I wrote titled “Lack of Diversity at UD,” which addresses the disproportionate
representation of UD students who identify as black. This analysis will help me exemplify the
changes that will take your writing to a more professional level. The draft I reviewed, in light of
the guidelines in Understanding Style, can be improved.

The most prominent and helpful writing lesson I learned in college is to be brief and powerful.
Bureaucrats will fool you with long-winded sentences and excessive rhetoric, but the most
effective writers will impress you in half the space. As a public policy major, people in
government only have a few minutes to hear out your proposal and form a decision. Brevity is
crucial. Many of the lessons discussed in this paper relate to this goal.

The first area of concern I evaluated is “end focus.” Sentences should “end with a bang, not a
whimper” (Glaser, 2016, 15). I did not take this into account when writing the paper, so my
revision included shifting sentences around to make sure the reader leaves the sentence with the
main idea in mind. This falls under the “powerful” attribute of good writing. I often assumed my
passion and statistics speak for themselves, but powerful writing is also important. For example,
in the sentence, “This paper briefly analyzes the disparity in representation of white and black
undergraduate students at the University of Delaware” (p. 1), the ending is not what I intended
the reader to walk away with. “University of Delaware” is not the main subject. However, this is
the second sentence in the paper, so it should emphasize the main point clearly. A revision to
“this paper briefly analyzes the disparity in UD’s representation of white and black
undergraduate students,” ends with the word, “students.” This is the main point of the sentence,
and should be highlighted.

The next aspect that will help your writing go from high-schooler to college-grad is how the
combination of long and short sentences allows a balance between “allowing readers to catch
their breath” and not sounding “simple-minded” (Glaser, 2016, 14). This relates to one of the
larger themes I found throughout my paper, which was the desire to sound technical or
impressive. But I can give you a tip now that took me a couple years to learn. Complicated
writing does not translate to complicated concepts. It took me until senior year as an economics
major for a professor to admit that economists use technical jargon in academia to make
common-sense arguments more impressive. Although I want my writing to be impressive, I also
want it to be easily comprehensible, and Understanding Style explains how to do that by
breaking up sentences and varying breath unit lengths. I did not find much variety in the sentence
lengths in my paper. Most of the sentences were between 18 and 25 words, with some
exceptions. My shortest sentence stands at 6 words, but it is not a main-point sentence, so it
doesn't have a strong effect. The sentence is, “They administered a survey in 2008” (p. 3). This
does not explain much, and it is not powerful. However, the sentence at the end of the same
paragraph reads, “This shows that students consider diversity an issue on campus” (p. 3). The 10
words in this sentence makes it relatively short, and emphasizes the crux of the paragraph.
Another instance that stood out in my paper shows how much of a habit I have to extend
sentences into longer ones. The short independent clause, “The following analysis challenges this
statistic” (p. 2), does contain a main point. It would be effective as a standalone sentence.
However, it seems I felt uncomfortable keeping a sentence at only 6 words, so I added a
semicolon and a related sentence. Do not be uncomfortable using concise sentences.

College writers should also be aware that the length of breath units and syllable/word ratio
contributes to the same goal of creating an easily comprehensible and exciting essay. Joe Glaser
recommends averaging at about a syllable/word ratio of 1.4 (p. 47). The ratio for the first two
paragraphs is 1.58. This is somewhat high, but "University of Delaware" is used a couple times,
and probably brings up this ratio even though that is an easy phrase to read and understand. The
"analysis" section had a ratio of 1.44, whereas the "Benefits of Diversity" section, which was a
review of other reports, literature, and laws, had a ratio of 1.68. This makes sense because it was
the most technical section. However, I could review it to make sure only the minimum amount of
jargon and complicated diction is used. In contrast, the “analysis” section used more of my own
words, so they tend to be less lengthy than when quoting professionals.

The next tip I can impart to you is the importance of deliberate and meaningful punctuation.
Punctuation indicates when a reader should pause and take a breath. This pause is not merely a
formality, but a way to gain balance and situate oneself while reading. If I am reading a
complicated passage with minimal breath units, I have no way to orient myself and take time to
figure out what I am reading. This is a lesson I learned, but not one I mastered while writing the
first draft of my paper. There are six instances in the introduction of exceeding 25 breath units,
which serves as the maximum recommended amount. In the second paragraph the phrase, “There
is a widely-stated statistic regarding the discrepancy between the statewide black population
compared to white” (p. 2) has 31 breath units. This adds up to only slightly over the
recommended amount, but it is still clear that it takes some concentration to understand. If the
reader has to read your words twice over to understand them, another draft may be helpful.

Another lesson I can share is that sentences that make the writer sound like a zombie stand in
contrast to effective writing. Two aspects that contribute to this goal are diction and verb choice.
Simple sentences and parallel series can put a reader to sleep (Glaser, 2016). This is a formal
analytic research paper, so the tone is more formal. This is appropriate given the assignment, as
well as the purpose. The topic is an exploration of the lack of diversity on campus, which is not a
particularly upbeat subject, and the tone reflects this. However, discussion of an issue that affects
so many people should be accessible to those people, so making the paper too formal may not be
optimal. The lesson to focus on verb choice was the most helpful lesson I learned in college.
Avoid is/are verbs. Do not forgo the opportunity to bolden verbs and make them powerful. I
found myself resorting to “is” frequently, but my writing transformed when I replaced it. I still
need to work on this lesson, but appreciate the knowledge and room for improvement.

The last piece of advice I can give relates to your outlook and attitude, rather than merely your
writing. Be humble. Surprisingly, I learned this lesson in English classes after receiving more
criticism initially than I expected. I received a “5” on both the AP Literature and AP Language
exams, therefore, I was more confident with my writing than any other subject. UD has a higher
standard. Be humble, and do not be discouraged. Use these tips as a starting point from which
you expand your writing ability, and do not forget to stay curious and have fun.
Good luck,

Nicole