10+ Important Factors to Consider while selecting

a Life Partner
Ganesan D

" A Happy Married Life ensues if each partner knows how to Adjust in
Married Life (Tamil - Vittu Koduththal ≈ Adjust)"

This is a Quick checklist to find out Life Partner for Young Couples. This article is more
relevant to people seeking arranged marriage from Indian Context. When we seek a Life
Partner from unknown sources we will be left in darkness and we have to consider
multiple factors before arriving at a conclusion. The following points may be worth
looking into:

1. Look

Why I am writing Look as an Important Factor in selection of a partner is because, every

organism has an imprint of attraction based on multiple features of opposite gender. For
example a cockroach is hardwired to think, feel and realize the beauty of another gender
cockroach. Humans are no different. Even though beauty lies in the eyes of the seen, still
there is something called Generalized configuration of beauty w.r.t to peer group, race,
culture, etc. This can’t be denied. Take for example we draw Lord Rama and Sita with
particular features of beauty which is standardized for a specific society. We show Devas
with certain bodily features and Rakshasas with different features.

Whereas Good Look is one term, it can also be termed as Beauty. If we seek a partner
from outside sources, as we can not initially know the 'make up of one's mind' no wonder
at first we give the highest weightage to Beauty or Look. There is nothing wrong about
seeking a partner with Good Look.

More on this : 20+ Features that define Human Beauty!

2. Health

Health is a combination of Hardware (Body) and Software (Mind) part of Human

Beings. Body and Health are the Hardware parts of the biological system we consider
here. Proper Physical and Mental fitness are vital for a long lasting married relationship.
One must ensure that they are Physically and Mentally fit for Marriage. A proper blend
of Hardware and Software are essential fro proper running of a Human System.

3. Likes and Dislikes

Each one has one's own Likes and Dislikes. Likes and Dislikes if listed may go into pages.
One may like openness and dislike hypocrisy. One may like Cricket. Other may like
Football. One may like Bombastic lifestyle. other may like Simple Life style. One may like
to be stingy, other may be Generous. The list is endless. One may be orthodox, the other
liberal. Good compatibility happens when frequencies of mind match. If we have a
broader mind, we may be ready to compromise our likes and dislikes for the overall
goodness of the relationship. Afterall marital relationship is more vital than Money,
Cricket or being Orthodox. Ensure proper compatibility of Likes and Dislikes. Or atleast
one or both of the partner should be ready to accept and leave to the individual's choice
of Likes and Dislike and not to infringe upon others Likes and dislikes.
4. Beliefs

Everyone has a Belief system. One may believe in God. other may be Atheist. One may
like Democracy. Othe may like communism. One may like to serve Society. Other may be
confined to Family alone. These belief system should not vary too much for a proper
relationship. A common understanding happen when the couples belief system goes
hand in hand.

5. Culture

All of us are brought up with a specific cultural background. Different religions have
different cultures. A Hindu culture and a Muslim or English culture are mostly different.
A culture match will ensure smoother sailing of married life. Indian Culture is more
based on Family Based. An English Culture is more Individual based. A Brahmin and a
Non Brahmin culture are totally different. We can not expect a proper compatibility if
lots of contradictions happen in Culture.

6. Language

Language is part of our Culture. But more emphasis is given to language because if you
don't have a common language you may easily succumb to conflicts. Generally people get
irritated when the other speak an unknown language to us. As far as as possible partners
should avoid speaking in unknown language of the other as it may give rise to suspicion.
Even when we go for shopping and bargain, when the shop employees speak an
unknown language within them, don't we get some suspicion? It's natural that anything
that we don't understand leads to suspicion and should be avoided as far as possible.

7. Food Habits

Food Habits have a big say in marriage relationship. A Vegetarian and a Non Vegetarian
couple, if they are very staunch in their food habits, may land in bigger conflicts in
relationship. Similarly a North indian and a South Indian food habits may not go so
smooth. An Indian and a Chinese cuisine are totally different. This should be carefully
weighed while deciding a life partner.

8. Ego and Possessiveness:

Ego is the greatest Game spoiler in all relationship. There is no room for ego in any close
relationships. The more the Ego the more we fall apart. Ego gains only when we
ascertain our Supremacy and Impose our Authority. The problem arises only when we
too much identify with our supremacy over the partner concerned. In personal
relationships, how can we wish the other to be the way we want? May be we can just tell
and advise the partner. It is the prerogative of the partner to accept or reject it. May be
we are Right. Also we may be Wrong. By-Products of Ego are Arguments, Anger,
Authority, Depression, Jealousy, Pain, Stress, Sorrow etc.

More on the topic: Is your Ego ≈ 0 | Never Not Here

9. Expectations

Expectations are happiness destroyers in married life. While expectations in

relationships are unavoidable, they should not be forced. There should be always 'Give
and Take' approach in expectations. Expectations should be kept to optimum or
minimum level in all relationships, not only between couples but in all relationships. We
can even openly ask, 'What are your expectation from me as a partner ?' Try to explain
why you can not fulfill all expectations of the partner. More the expectations more the
disappointments will be. While expectations can't be avoided they can be kept minimum.

10. Brought up and Background Matters a lot

The attributes that we learn in the formative years stick to us as we grows and progress
in life. We learn a lot from our parents, family, society and culture. So, the above
environment factors matter the most and create what we term as 'VALUE' of our life and
decides who and what we are. Those days people lived 20 years back is different from
today which has more western influence. Those days there was no internet, mobile etc
and our makeup was different. It's not so easy for the children who are born and grown
up in these days to adopt the olden days belief system. But still we have not lost the root.
It's really a challenging situation for the children of now as their lifestyle has become
very complicated due to outside influence. We are bombarded with more information
through Internet, Television, movies etc, some good and some bad. In the olden days
children just studied, played, did their homework and occasionally went for functions
like marriages and outings. Life was very simple then.

We are always attracted to people of similar value based system. The west has more
unreal things all around them and they are highly influenced by the fantasy world, a
bubble like thing. Watching people around us in itself is a learning experience. We
imbibe what we watch often. US is a free society. We know what is right and what is
wrong based on our own brought up and culture. Life style preferences like food habits,
culture, habits (drinking and smoking) etc are somewhat very delicate matters that
decides one's a happy living. There should be a common understanding in Lifestyle
behaviors.

Those traits that one imbibes during their formative years stay with them and as they
grow older and even comeback stronger. The first 16 years of one is crucial for molding
one's character and traits for the rest of the life. These are more often passed on to us
from our parents. We have great values, traditions and cultures in India. This is one of
the reason we have to visit our Home Town often. There is a lot to learn good things from
the west also like Independent thinking, Freedom, Privacy etc . When we absorb the
good from multiple sources, we become the right blend of East as well as West.

In today's situation, We can't take either Orthodox or Revolutionary path in our Life
style. We have to take the middle path balancing both.

11. Our Basic Nature can't be changed so easily

It must be borne in mind that our basic nature can't be so easily be changed. Everyone is
unique. No two branches are alike. No two leaves are alike. No two individuals are alike.
But still, the common nature of each individual is very important for a cohesive living.
'By Nature' I mean Individual Traits, Character, Mindset, Beliefs, Values, Ego,
Possessiveness, Understanding, Adjustability, Accomodativeness, Moral & Ethical
Standards, Reasoning ability, Mental Maturity etc.

Flexibility and Adaptability are hallmark of maturity. Adamancy and Rigidity are the
stamps of Immaturity. Be least Egoistic. Be least possessive. A life partner with a similar
attitude will be of great benefit.

12. Your plan for future in Studies, Job etc

By 25 years we should have a firm idea of what our future career would be. One should
consider if it will be to the partner's liking also. Is it a tedious job or more of social
involvement? Both should talk about this and decide.

13. Ambitions/Goals/Hobbies/Aspirations/ Wishes/Desires etc?

Call it by different name, these are overlapping features of every individual. One may like
to read and write. Other may like to sing and dance. One may like to travel. Other may
like pet animals. One may like Trekking and Hiking. No one should abhor others
interests as long as they do not interfere with others individual freedom.

14. Looking after Parents of both in the long run

When couples get married both of them get a new set of parents. They have to bear it in
mind and consider what they have to do for their parents in future or in the long run.

15. Commitments on both side like Financial, Physical presence, Moral

support etc for family members

One should express commitments clearly if they have anything specifically. A partner
may have to get his/her sisters married or brothers/sisters educated and so on.

16. 60-80% compatibility is good for a happy married living

There can be difference in opinions. But there should not be difference in understanding.
A common understanding is essential for a happy married living. 60-80% compatibility
of the above factors is good for a happy married living.

17. Horoscope Matching

I don't give any weightage to Horoscope matching. But it is not necessary that other
should follow me. In my opinion Horoscope matching is not so relevant in today's
scenario. Sooner or later it will taper off and it may take several years for this belief
system to change. We have now slowly left Rahu Kalam, Yama Kandam, Sagunam etc
except for very important occasions. Earlier days we have to carry Milk or Curd on our
head when we travel in a particular direction and at particular time say North, South ,
East or West due to Soolam, Kuligai etc. Now we have totally discarded belief in Soolam,
Kuligai etc. Now a days women remove their mangalsutra and hang it on coat hangers.
Definitely, nothing untoward happens to their Husbands. We can regularly see people
who are aged above 35 years discarding horoscope matching for their marriage.

Earlier days astrologers were matching 36 parameters in horoscopes but now they say 6
is enough. Sometimes astrologers say only one is enough i.e ‘Rajju Porutham’ is enough
(Mangalya Balam). Sooner or later for psychological satisfaction, people may simply
match stars alone and get satisfied.

Horoscope matching may have started several hundred years back with the study of
certain stars and planets position in horoscope of people who have particular traits and
living standards. They may have created a database with particular type of star and
planets position yielding certain outcome. But, it is not relevant today. Aeroplanes
takeoff in Rahukalam and safely land everywhere.
I suggest you to read and understand the following:

Astrologers say astrology is Science. Science means Repeatability, Consistency

Standardization, Scalability etc. Give a set of 10 Horoscopes with different criteria to 10
astrologers and ask, who are boys and who are girls, who is poor and who is rich, who is
dead and who is alive, who is married and who is not married etc. All answers will be
random ramblings from astrologers and there won’t be any uniformity. That which has
no Consistency, Repeatably and Standardization has no worthiness and need not be
Trusted. Horoscope matching for marriages are mere chances and there is no worth
believing them.

Give the horoscopes of few persons dating back to 100 years and of people of the recent
20-30 years. Will the astrologers be able to find out the olden days horoscoped persons
giving birth to 5-10 or Dozen children and the recent horoscoped persons giving birth to
1 or 2. Certainly they can't find out.

If Horoscope predictions are foolproof and at least 60-75% error free, nobody could have
stopped the PERCOLATION of the SCIENCE behind horoscope throughout the world.
The very fact that percolation has not happened in Horoscope Predictions anywhere
outside the local domain is a strong indicator that the Horoscope System is not error
free. If you take the case of Yoga and Meditation, percolation has happened throughout
the word due to their sheer magnificence. Nobody can stop a good system from
percolating throughout the world.

There may be some truth in Astrology but not to the extent astrologers attribute to it.
The fact is No Two Astrologers agree so easily on the same phenomena. What the
Mylapore Astrologer says the Mambalam Astrologer may dispute.

But still, horoscope matching becomes inevitable for certain people due to their mind set
and their psychological bearing in the marriage context. We should address their
concern also even if one doesn't believe in the Horoscope system. It’s only the fear of
uncertainty about future that propels people towards Horoscope system and we should
accommodate their belief also.

18. Final Words

Marriage is a Lifelong commitment. Marriage in Indian context is not only between the
couples but also between two families. The partners should behave in such a way that the
parents feel proud about the couples throughout their Lifetime. They should feel proud
to walk on the road and keep their heads high among their relatives and society. Each
partner should know how to Adjust in Married Life (Tamil - Vittu Koduththal).

Other Pages on the topic: A Cup of Coffee with God

Thanks for reading.