Unmarked Scars:

Psychological and Sexual Abuse

KJ Grace

KJ Grace Inc.
Unmarked Scars: Psychological and Sexual Abuse
Copyright © 2016 by KJ Grace
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons
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 CONTENTS

Introduction / 4

1 Manipulation / 5

2 Control / 7

3 Excuses / 9

4 Coercion / 11

5 Threats / 13

6 Arrogance / 15

7 Violation / 17

Conclusion / 19
Test: Am I Being Abused? / 21
Resources / 23
Notes / 24
About the Author / 26
 4

Introduction
_________________________________
I have walked a stair of swords,
I have worn a coat of scars.
- Catherine Fisher
_________________________________
No one told me what it was like to experience
abuse. To be honest with you, I thought it was normal. It
was normal to be groped without my permission, it was
normal to feel guilty for my abuser’s actions, and it was
normal to be controlled. It turns out that is not normal.
As I escaped my abuser and walked the path to
growth, I have found that many people do not
understand the difference between an abusive and a
healthy relationship. This includes romantic and platonic
relationships.
What does it look like to be abused? What are
the signs? Am I being abused? These questions swirled
in my head as I began to realize that I was, in fact, being
abused. It was hard to find answers, since society,
media, and most well-known resources at the time dealt
with physical abuse. I was dealing with psychological or
emotional abuse as well as sexual abuse. These types of
abuse sometimes do not result in chokings, beatings,
physical bruises, or scars. They can result in unmarked
scars. These scars can reveal themselves through seven
tactics: manipulation, control, excuses, coercion, threats,
arrogance, and violation.
 5

Manipulation
_________________________________
Half of the people lie with their lips; the other half with
their tears.
- Nassim Nicholas Taleb
_________________________________
“I don’t want to hold your hand right now,” I
said to him. I was cranky from the unintended eight mile
hike as well as sweaty. I was not in the mood to be
romantic.
He tried to hold my hand again and I shook it off.
I went ahead of him and did not speak to him. I got in
the driver’s seat of the car and he slid into the backseats.
I was not sure why he chose the backseats and not the
passenger seat. It was silent until we reached a rest stop.
I got out of the car, opened the backseat door,
and slid in next to him. He rested his head on my lap and
I ruffled his hair. In the silence, I realized he was crying.
He was crying so hard that his tears stained the shorts I
was wearing.
“I am so sorry for not holding your hand,” I
heard myself say.
He looked at me and through a choked voice
said, “That really hurt. You must not love me.”
“Of course I do!” I reassured him. “I won’t do
that again.”
 6

According to the Oxford English Dictionary,

manipulation is “The exercise of subtle, underhand, or
devious influence or control over a person.”1
The story above shows how manipulation is
used. It is often hard to identify because of its subtlety.
There are several ways that it can be displayed in an
abusive situation. These include:
 Promising something to you in the future,
then asking for something from you in
the present
 Proceeding to do something that you did
not agree to
 Giving a compliment, then asking for
something in return
 Bringing up something you feel guilty
about, then asking for something
 Calling you selfish
 Asking for something clearly
unreasonable, receiving a no from you,
then asking for something smaller
 Confiding an irresponsible behavior to
you
 Insisting that you promised something
and are now morally bound to it2
These are the main signs of an abuser using
manipulation. This behavior is not normal in any type of
relationship. Manipulation is meant to confuse a person
into believing that they are doing something of their own
free will when they are not.
 7

Control
_________________________________
Dominance. Control. These things the unjust seek most
of all.
- Robert Fanney
_________________________________
“I need you to stop wearing your T-shirt tucked
into your jeans,” my boyfriend said, out of the blue one
day. “It makes me lust.”
I decided to fight back and said, “I’m covered
from my neck to my feet. I don’t see a problem here.”
He derailed my attempt of regaining control over
myself and said, “It’s making me lust. Please stop.”
Feeling guilty for creating lust in his mind, I
never wore my shirts tucked into my jeans again.

Control is “The fact or power of directing and

regulating the actions of people.”3
The story above is a small glimpse of control.
Controlling appearance is one of the first steps of
controlling someone. Control then extends to the people
with whom a person can talk and hang out, which I also
experienced. Controlling behavior includes:
 Unreasonable and non-negotiable
demands
 8

 Stalking you, including surveillance and

unwanted contact
 Destroying your other relationships
 Isolating you
 Restricting your daily activities
 Stifling your independence
 Controlling your access to information
and services
 Deprivation of liberty, equality, and
personhood
 Extreme jealousy
 Controlling your appearance4
These are the main signs of control in a relationship.
This behavior is not normal in any type of relationship
and can bring harm upon the person who is experiencing
it. An abuser does not allow the victim to do anything
without them unless they are trying to give the victim a
false sense of security. Control is meant to give power to
a person so that they can get the victim to do what they
want.
 9

Excuses
_________________________________
There is a lie in between a promise and many excuses.
- Toba Beta
_________________________________
“It’s not my fault,” my boyfriend said about his
unwanted sexual advances toward me.
He told me that he could not help being this way
because he loved me. I would just have to live with it.
-
“I hardly know you,” he told me adamantly.
My heart shattered. I gave him four years of my
life, but when I needed someone to comfort me, he spat
that out to me. He knew my body and heart well, yet
somehow he managed to ravage both without a care.

Excuses are defined as “That which is offered as

a reason for being excused; sometimes in a bad sense, a
mere pretext.”5
The story above shows a few excuses an abuser
will make. An abuser will excuse their behavior and will
not own up to their mistakes. Other excuses they will
make include:
 “I was drunk/I was using drugs”
 “I act this way because I care about you”
 10

 “You made me mad/provoked me, and I

had no other choice. I can’t control it”
 “I have a mental illness or a personality
disorder”
 “I grew up in a violent home where I
experienced or witnessed abuse”6
These are the main excuses that an abuser will use.
There are no justifiable excuses in harming a person
mentally, emotionally, or physically. Excuses are meant
to get the victim to respond with pity or sympathy.
Getting the victim to respond this way gives the abuser
an opening to continue doing what they are doing
against the victim. The abuser trains the victim into
believing that they “can’t help it,” which is a lie.
 11

Coercion
_________________________________
Where love is coerced, there is no love.
- Marty Rubin
_________________________________
I felt him push me.
I resisted but he did not relent.
I had found myself being forced upon my bed by
my boyfriend. He was kissing me and would not let me
escape his kiss. He pushed me backward, trying to make
me lie down on the bed. I resisted and he felt my
resistance but held me tighter. I tried using my hands to
push against his chest but that still did not stop him.
Eventually, he coerced me into lying down and he put
himself on top of me.
I could not move. I was frozen in place. The
scream died in my throat as I saw his eyes full of pure
lust and power. What I saw there told me that I would
have to comply or else I would be forced to. Before he
had a chance to do anymore damage, he heard one of my
family members coming down the hallway. He shoved
off of me and my heart pounded in fear.

Coercion is “To compel or force [someone] to do

anything.”7
 12

The story above is an example of coercion.

Coercion can range from the abuser holding something
back until the victim gives in or the abuser forcing
themselves upon the victim if they do not comply.
Coercion includes:
 Making you feel like you owe them
 Giving you compliments that sound
insincere in an attempt to get you to agree
to something
 Badgering you, yelling at you, or holding
you down
 Giving you drugs or alcohol to loosen up
your inhibitions
 Claiming you are in a relationship with
them, so you have to do it
 Reacting negatively, such as with
sadness, anger, or resentment, if you say
no, or do not immediately agree
 Continuing to pressure you after you say
no
 Making you feel threatened or afraid of
what might happen if you say no
 Trying to normalize their sexual
expectations of you8
These are the main signs of an abuser using coercion in a
relationship. This behavior is not normal in any type of
relationship and can bring harm upon the person who is
experiencing it. An abuser uses coercion to get what
they want by violating the boundaries and wishes of the
victim.
 13

Threats
_________________________________
If you want to control someone, all you have to do is to
make them feel afraid.
- Paulo Coelho
_________________________________
“I’m going to hurt myself,” came the text.
I froze, my heart dropping to the pit of my
stomach.
“Please, don’t do that,” I begged, trying to stay
calm. I had just told my boyfriend that I thought we
should break up. He had then started acting suicidal.
“I have my pocket knife with me,” he continued.
I fingered my own pocket knife that I had clipped
to my pocket. I squeezed it hard, wondering if that
would stop him from taking up his knife.
“Please, please, don’t,” was all I was able to send
to him before he replied with, “Too late.”
“I promise I’ll stay with you. Just please don’t do
it again,” I begged.
“I won’t,” he promised, knowing that I was
under his power.
 14

Threats mean that a person tries “To press, urge,

try to force or induce” someone else.9
This above story shows the threats an abuser can
use in a relationship. There are different types of threats
that an abuser will use. These include:
 Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt
you
 Threatening to leave you
 Threatening to commit suicide
 Threatening to take your children away, if
you have children
 Using intimidation, such as making you
afraid, smashing things, destroying
property, abusing pets, or displaying
weapons10
These are the main threats that an abuser will use in a
relationship. These threats are not normal in any type of
relationship and can bring harm upon the person who is
experiencing it. The use of threats gives an abuser power
over the victim. Threats are used when the abuser wants
to control the victim and are carried out when the victim
does not comply.
 15

Arrogance
_________________________________
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything.
- George Bernard Shaw
_________________________________
I had received a 4.0 GPA in my first year of
college. I was proud of this accomplishment. I had
worked hard to achieve this and had put many hours into
it.
I sent a message to my boyfriend, exclaiming, “I
got an A in Biology! Which means I have a 4.0!”
He replied with, “You were lucky. Your teacher
must have bumped your grade up.”
My happiness was squashed in those two
sentences. I began to silently believe him. Maybe I was
not that smart after all and my professor had pitied me.
“You don’t deserve a 4.0 GPA,” a voice, his
voice, inside me said, and I began to believe it.

Arrogance is the “Undue assumption of dignity,

authority, or knowledge; aggressive conceit,
presumption, or haughtiness.”11
The story above shows how an abuser can use
arrogance in a relationship. An abuser uses arrogance,
the “I-know-more-than-you” card, as a way to control
 16

the victim into submission. Another term for arrogance

can be narcissism. Narcissists are “people [who] have an
inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for
admiration and a lack of empathy for others.”12
Arrogance and narcissism overlap in abuse and can
include:
 A sense of entitlement or superiority
 Lack of empathy
 Manipulative or controlling behavior
 A strong need for admiration
 Higher levels of aggression
 Difficulty taking feedback about their
behavior
 Exploitation of you to achieve personal
gain
 An intense jealousy of you and the belief
that you are equally jealous of them
 A pompous demeanor13
These are signs that an abuser is using arrogance in a
relationship. This is not normal in any type of
relationship and can bring harm upon the person who is
experiencing it. Using arrogance is a way for an abuser
to get a victim to submit to them. If an abuser can get the
victim to believe that the abuser is more important and
smarter than them, then they can get the victim to do
what they want.
 17

Violation
_________________________________
She couldn’t get any farther away inside from her skin.
She couldn’t get away.
- Cynthia Voigt
_________________________________
After my boyfriend and I had watched a movie
together, we returned to my car. Before I could start the
car, he slid his genitals out.
I could not move; I was frozen. My brain
processed slowly. If I left the car I would be stranded
with him but if I stayed he could hurt me if I ignored
him. So I complied with what he wanted. At one point,
he was on top of me and I remember wishing it would
end.
But then he began to violate me.
No verbal consent was asked. No verbal consent
was given.
Once he was finished, I was dazed. I did not
understand how he could act so calm after what he just
did. Shaking, I began to start the car,
Out of the silence, he said triumphantly, “I
conquered where none could!”
I wanted to cry bitterly. My virginity was taken
by a man who saw me as land to conquer.
 18

Violation is “The action of treating someone or

something violently or roughly; damage, injury.”14
The above story shows violation committed by
an abuser. It is an act of intimately harming someone
because the abuser wants power. Violation includes:
 Making demands rather than requests
 Pushing past your “no” or any setting of
limits
 Inappropriate touching that you did not
give consent for
 Using abusive language
 Not asking for consent
 Not respecting your response and doing
something anyway
 Harming you
 Forcing you to do something, which
includes sexual favors15
These are the main signs of violation that an abuser will
commit against someone. This is not normal in any type
of relationship and can bring harm upon the person who
is experiencing it. Violating a person is one of the most
intimate ways an abuser can harm a victim. It is also the
way abusers get their main source of power from a
victim.
 19

Conclusion
_________________________________
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.
- Emily Dickinson
_________________________________
What do you do when you realize you are in an
abusive relationship? How is it possible to get away
from it? How could someone you love do this to you?
These questions are the ones that I had difficulty
answering and, in all honesty, they are a challenge to
answer. Sometimes, we do not get the answers we want
to hear.
At the near end of this booklet, there is a page
titled “Resources.” This page is full of resources that can
aid you in whatever stage you are going through,
whether it is the recognizing, leaving, or growing stage.
That page is for you to use as much as you need.
Abuse left me feeling hopeless, as though I could
not do anything to make the situation better, leave, or
even grow after I left. It took me a year to recognize that
my boyfriend was an abuser and in that year, it took me
two months to actually leave him. It has taken me the
past year to start healing and it is going to take more
time to continue healing.
 20

Should we give up hope? No, most definitely

not! Remember that you are a person who is worth
dignity and respect. You cannot give up hope when it
seems impossible, because there is a light at the end.
That light is your freedom and in that freedom you will
grow.
 21

Am I Being Abused?
Take the test – Circle ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for each question.16
Does your partner, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your
friend, or a family member:
1. Make you feel uncomfortable or afraid? Yes / No
2. Often put you down, humiliate you, or make you feel
worthless? Yes / No
3. Constantly check up on what you’re doing or where
you are going? Yes / No
4. Try to stop you from seeing your own friends or
family? Yes / No
5. Make you feel afraid to disagree or say ‘no’ to them?
Yes / No
6. Constantly accuse you of flirting with others when
this isn’t true? Yes / No
7. Tell you how the household finances should be spent,
or stop you from having any money for yourself? Yes /
No
8. Stop you from having medical assistance? Yes / No
9. Scare or hurt you by being violent (like hitting,
choking, smashing things, locking you in, driving
dangerously to frighten you)? Yes / No
10. Pressure/force you to do sexual things that you don’t
want to do? Yes / No
 22

11. Threaten to hurt you, or to kill themselves if you say

you want to end the relationship? Yes / No
12. If you have children, have they heard or seen these
things or been hurt themselves? Yes / No

If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these, then there

are signs that you are being abused. Talk to someone
you trust or contact the National Domestic Violence
Hotline - 800.799.7233.
 23

Resources
Break the Cycle – breakthecycle.org
Casa de Esperanza – casadeesperanza.org or call
651.772.1611
Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence – caepv.org
FaithTrust Institute – cpsdv.org
Futures without Violence – futureswithoutviolence.org
GLBT National Help Center - glbthotline.org or call 1-
888-843-4564
Institute for Law and Justice – ilj.org
Love is Respect – loveisrespect.org
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
(NCADV) – ncadv.org
National Immigration Project -
nationalimmigrationproject.org
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -
suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call 1.800.273.8255
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) –
rainn.org
The National Domestic Violence Hotline –
thehotline.org or call 1.800.799.7233
The Trevor Project – LGBTQ – thetrevorproject.org
 24

Notes

1
“Manipulation,” OED Online. September 2016. Oxford University
Press, accessed November 16, 2016, http://0-
www.oed.com.catalog.multcolib.org/view/Entry/113525?
2
Michael Samsel, “Manipulation,” Abuse and Relationships,
accessed November 16, 2016,
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/manipulat
ion.html
3
“Control,” OED Online. September 2016. Oxford University
Press, accessed November 16, 2016, http://0-
www.oed.com.catalog.multcolib.org/view/Entry/40562?
4
“Understanding Domestic Abusers,” New York State: Office for
the Prevention of Domestic Violence, accessed November 16, 2016,
http://www.opdv.ny.gov/professionals/abusers/coercivecontrol.html
5
“Excuses,” OED Online. September 2016. Oxford University
Press, accessed November 16, 2016, http://0-
www.oed.com.catalog.multcolib.org/view/Entry/65968?
6
“Apologies and Excuses,” Loveisrespect, accessed November 16,
2016, http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/apologies-and-excuses/
7
“Coerce,” OED Online. September 2016. Oxford University Press,
accessed November 16, 2016, http://0-
www.oed.com.catalog.multcolib.org/view/Entry/35716?
8
“What is Sexual Coercion?” Loveisrespect, accessed November
16, 2016, http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-sexual-
coercion/
9
“Threats,” OED Online. September 2016. Oxford University
Press, accessed November 16, 2016, http://0-
www.oed.com.catalog.multcolib.org/view/Entry/201153?
10
“Power and Control Wheel: Intimidation/Threats/Sexual
Coercion,” Loveisrespect, accessed November 16, 2016,
http://www.loveisrespect.org/wheel-video/intimidation-threats/
11
“Arrogance,” OED Online. September 2016. Oxford University
Press, accessed November 16, 2016, http://0-
www.oed.com.catalog.multcolib.org/view/Entry/11054?
12
“Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” Mayo Clinic, Mayoclinic.org.
13
Lisa Firestone, “Narcissistic Relationships: The Downside to
Loving a Narcissist,” PsychAlive, accessed November 16, 2016,
http://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/ & Caroline,
 25

“Narcissism and Abuse,” The National Domestic Violence Hotline,

http://www.thehotline.org/2016/08/narcissism-and-abuse/
14
"Violation," OED Online. September 2016. Oxford University
Press, accessed November 16, 2016, http://0-
www.oed.com.catalog.multcolib.org/view/Entry/223631?
15
Sara Hines Martin, Shame on You!: Help for Adults from
Alcoholic and Other Shame-Bound Families (Broadman Press:
Nashville, Tennessee 1990), pp. 80 – 83, quoted in “Violated
Boundaries: How people invade others' personal boundaries,” Wise
Word, accessed November 16, 2016,
http://www.wiseword.org/pg/violated_boundaries
16
Test taken from Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria -
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice/abuse-quiz
 26

About the Author

KJ Grace is a student at Multnomah University. She is

an advocate for the oppressed, including the abused,
orphaned, elderly, and poor. She is a survivor of
psychological and sexual abuse. She is in recovery and
looks at each day as a new chance of hope. She is well
known for her past editing role on The Highlander
Newspaper and poetry in Rocinante: A Journal of Art
and Literature.