Alex Sumption Final P1.

docx
by Alex Sumption

Submission date: 29-Jan-2018 01:48PM (UT C-0600)

Submission ID: 908359185
File name: Alex Sumption Final P1.docx (14.01K)
Word count: 605
Character count: 2923
 Repet it ive

Page #

2 1

But what is the step or point of support here? The beginning of the paragraph
seems more like a re-statement of the argument, not a point of support.
3

Cit e Paraphrase
 4

But how does all of

this help Graff support
his argument?

Pat chwork Paraphrase

converse
You

Well-explained. This paragraph just needs a

stronger topic sentence and less patchworking!

Notice that you've

only cited quotes. All
paraphrased info
WC
needs citation, too!

7
Alex Sumption Final P1.docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

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SIMILARIT Y INDEX
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INT ERNET SOURCES
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PUBLICAT IONS
25%
ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

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Submitted to Wright State University
St udent Paper 9%
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St udent Paper 8%
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tigger.uic.edu
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Submitted to Utah Education Network
St udent Paper 2%
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Submitted to Middle Tennessee State
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www.studymode.com
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Exclude quotes Of f Exclude matches Of f

Exclude bibliography Of f
Alex Sumption Final P1.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

64
Alex,

I was glad to see strong evidence of you using one

/80
of the thesis statements we talked about in the
discussion board to help you identif y Graf f 's
argument! A little work on the language used to
state that argument will make this f eature even
stronger. So will some stronger topic sentences and
connections to the thesis. I'll explain more below.

First, let me explain how to use these comments. At

the beginning of the semester, I don't expect
everyone to be at their best; you should be writing at
your best at the end of the semester! So, you are
invited to revise any of the papers you wish to, and
these comments can help you when the time comes.
T his long note may include ref erences to comments
in the paper. Look into the body of the paper to the
lef t to see these comments (you may need to
change your view to see and scroll over them; use
the “Instructions f or Checking Assignment
Feedback” document f or how to do this).

So if you choose to revise this paper, work on these

areas:

1. Revise the statement of Graff's thesis a

little.

See the comment in blue in the intro f or more details.

2. Work on topic sentences that announce the

point of support summarized in the paragraph.
 In general, the job of a topic sentence is to explain
how the details in the paragraph support the thesis.
Here, that means you want to explain how Graf f
uses the details in the paragraph to support his
argument. So, f or example, strong topic sentences
might say something like this: "Graf f 's most
developed point of support is his own experience
with school and sports." Or "Graf f discusses his
own dislike f or intellectualism to show that some
kids won't enjoy academic subjects."

A stronger topic sentence in both he f irst and third

body paragraphs would really help.

3. Reconsider that paragraph about jocks over

geeks. Right now, you don't explain how these
details support the thesis you've identif ied. I would
argue these details are too minor to belong in a
summary.

4. Work on citation. You only give page numbers

f or your quotes in this paper. Remember that if you
can f ind the inf ormation on a specif ic page, it needs
citation, even if that inf ormation is stated in your
own words. Also, take note of where the language
you use is too similar to the words and sentence
structures that Graf f uses.

Finally, your end-text citation needs some work. See

the comments at the end of the paper.

Please let me know if you have questions or want to

talk about a comment or concern!

PAGE 1

QM Repetitive
Unnecessary repetition:
Avoid redundant use of words or phrases. Be aware of what is inherent to the words you
choose to use, e.g. you would not write "the resulting ef f ects" as "ef f ects" are results and thus
are always resulting f rom something. Also be aware of what the acronyms and abbreviations
 you use stand f or, e.g. when using the acronym "AT M" you should not write "AT M machine" as
"machine" is already in the acronym.
Additional Comment

"In 'Hidden Intellectualism'"... "in this piece."

QM Page #
Don't f orget page numbers!

Comment 1
Save this f or the body of the paper as a point of support. Ending on the thesis provides the
reader with a level of clarity about the point of an essay.

Comment 2
It's pretty clear that you're using one of the thesis statements we identif ied in the discussion
board to help you restate Graf f 's argument. T hat's great; you're working f rom the text!

But notice that these two sentences make it seem like Graf f has a series of opinions and
arguments in the essay, rather than one, overall argument. Could you revise these two
sentences, especially, to make Graf f 's argument seem more f ocused? I'd suggest taking out
the "also" and "one opinion." Stating his argument in one sentence might also help.

Text Comment. But what is the step or point of support here? T he beginning of the
paragraph seems more like a re-statement of the argument, not a point of support.

Comment 3
Maybe you could say that Graf f f irst explains his own experience with reading and writing to
support his argument?

QM Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!

PAGE 2

Comment 4
Meaning now? Or what is "it?"

Comment 5
T hese details don't seem important enough to include in the summary, especially if you cannot
explain the connect to the argument.
 Text Comment. But how does all of this help Graf f support his argument?

Comment 6
One way to explain the point of support here would be to say that "Graf f learned f rom his own
experience with sports that personal interests can teach a person the basics of intellectual
thinking."

QM Patchwork Paraphrase
T hese lines are too close to the original to be strong paraphrase. See the second citation
video

Additional Comment

Notice how similar these phrases at the beginning of this paragraph are to the originals. You
have some patchwork paraphrasing here and you need to more f ully use your own words or
choose to quote at least once more.

"I see now that I was practicing being an intellectual bef ore I knew that was what I wanted to be"
(267).

"It was...in my reading of sports books and magazines that I began to learn the rudiments of the
intellectual lif e: how to make an argument, weigh dif f erent kinds of evidence, move between
particulars and generalizations, summarize the views of others, and enter a conversation about
ideas" (267).

"Sports af ter all was f ull of challenging arguments, debates, problems f or analysis, and intricate
statistics that you could care about. as school conspicuously was not" (267-268).

Text Comment. converse

QM You
Avoid "you!" T he language lesson f rom Week 7 discusses this in more detail.

Text Comment. Well-explained. T his paragraph just needs a stronger topic sentence and
less patchworking!

Text Comment. Notice that you've only cited quotes. All paraphrased inf o needs citation,
too!

QM WC
Word choice error:
Sometimes choosing the correct word to express exactly what you have to say is very dif f icult
to do. Word choice errors can be the result of not paying attention to the word or trying too
hard to come up with a f ancier word when a simple one is appropriate. A thesaurus can be a
handy tool when you're trying to f ind a word that's similar to, but more accurate than, the one
you're looking up. However, it can of ten introduce more problems if you use a word thinking it
has exactly the same meaning.

Comment 7
Work on this citation. First, notice that it is in APA, not MLA. T he year in parentheses af ter the
authors is the big give-away here. Second, you're citing the book, not the essay. Use page
144, #19 in The Little Seagull Handbook to help you create a citation f or a work (in this case an
essay) in an anthology.
RUBRIC: SUMMARY RUBRIC 8 / 10

IDENT IFY ARG (12%) 9 / 10

A Accurately and elegantly names argument

(10)

A/B
(9)

B Accurately names argument

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Generally understand argument

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Little sense of understanding argument

(6)

D/F
(5)

F No accurate sense of argument

(5)

LOW F
(4)

DEVELOPMENT (12%) 8 / 10

A Accurately discusses every important point of the support and links it to the
(10) argument

A/B
(9)

B Accurately identif ies most points of support and links to argument

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Accurately identif ies many points of support, but may not link to argument well
(7)

C/D
(7)
D Include inaccurate points of support and f ew explanations of links to argument
(6)

D/F
(5)

F Multiple errors of D category

(5)

LOW F
(4)

DET AIL (12%) 7 / 10

A Uses well-chosen, specif ic examples f rom the essay to illustrate (not a list)
(10)

A/B
(9)

B Uses specif ic examples f rom the essay to illustrate

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Uses vague examples and may need more or may be a list

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Includes almost no examples; those included are very vague; may list too many minute
(6) details

D/F
(5)

F Multiple errors of D category

(5)

LOW F
(4)

ORGANIZ AT ION (12%) 7 / 10

A Ideas organized logically with strong, evident transitions between paragraphs and
(10) concluding statements at the end of paragraphs

A/B
(9)

B Organized well with transitions and concluding statements

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Organization is accurate but very basic; may have no or very simple transitions ("f irst,
(7) second, third") and f ew concluding statements

C/D
(7)

D Organization is weak and transition and concluding elements absent

(6)

D/F
(5)

F Organization is illogical
(5)

LOW F
(4)

INT RODUCT ION (12%) 8 / 10

A Concise, but identif ies argument (with thesis appropriate f or summary)

(10)

A/B
(9)

B May be f lawed, but clearly states argument

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Flawed, but more or less identif ies argument

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Hints at but does not identif y argument

(6)

D/F
(5)

F Exists, but doesn't identif y argument

(5)

LOW F No introduction
(4)
CONCLUSION (12%) 9 / 10

A Elegantly wraps up the summary in a f ew sentences

(10)

A/B
(9)

B Wraps up summary in a f ew sentences

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Wraps up summary, but may be long short or otherwise f lawed

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Little sense of conclusion

(6)

D/F
(5)

F Conclusion absent
(5)

LOW F
(4)

GRAMMAR/ST YLE (12%) 8 / 10

A Uses attribution very well; very f ew grammar/mechanics errors; language doesn't

(10) hinder reader; no opinion statements

A/B
(9)

B Uses attribution; f ew grammar and mechanics errors, but these might disrupt reader;
(8) no opinion statements

B/C
(8)

C May need more attribution statements; some subtle opinion language is used; some
(7) error patterns disrupt reader

C/D
(7)

D Almost no attribution; f requent error patterns; may express opinion f requently

(6)

D/F
(5)

F No attribution; persistent error patterns or no proof reading; may express opinion

(5) f requently

LOW F
(4)

CIT AT ION (12%) 8 / 10

A Includes end-text and in-text f or quotes and specif ics; may have small errors
(10)

A/B
(9)

B Includes end-text and in-text f or quotes; may have small errors

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Includes end-text or in-text, but not both, and with errors

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Some sense of need f or citation, but incorrect

(6)

D/F
(5)

F
(5)

LOW F
(4)