Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher,

William Ury
Separate the people from the problem
General tips:

 Negotiators are people first. you're dealing with human beings with emotions, deeply
held values, different viewpoints, and unpredictability. prone to bias, blind spots, leas of
illogic. so are we. Whatever else you are doing at any point during a negotiation, it is worth
asking yourself: "Am I paying enough attention to the people problem?"
 Every negotiator has two kinds of interests: in the substance and in the relationship.
Most negotiations take place in the context of an ongoing relationship where it is important
to carry on each negotiation in a way that will help rather than hinder future relations and
future negotiations. With long-term clients, business partners, family members, etc. the
ongoing relationship is far more important than the outcome of any particular negotiation.
 The relationship tends to become entangled with the problem. We are likely to treat
people and problem as one. eg. A statement such as "the kitchen is a mess or "our bank
account is low" may be intended simply to identify a problem, but it is likely to beard as a
personal attack.
 Positional bargaining puts relationship and substance in conflict. Positions are seen
by one side as an ideal outcome, but by the other as inconsiderate of the relationship.
Positional bargaining forces you to trade between relationship and substance, often
resulting in lousy agreements and a damaged relationships.
The best way to deal with people problems is before they become people problems. Develop a
good working relationship and get to know the other person informally. See yourselves as side-
by-side partners in a search for a fair agreement advantageous to each. You can turn a face-to-
face orientation to side-by-side by explicitly saying something like:

"Look, we're both businessman. Unless I try to satisfy your interests, we are hardly like to
reach an agreement that satisfies mine, and vice versa. Let's look together at the problem of
how to satisfy our collective interests."

Alternatively, you can start treating the negotiation as a side-by-side activity in your actions and
make it desirable for them to join in. It helps to literally sit on the same side of a table with a
notepad.

When problems do arise, deal with them by changing how you treat people – not by making
concessions in negotiation.

Perception
Understanding the other side's thinking is not just about helping you solve your problem. it is the
problem. Conflict lies in peoples heads, not in objective reality eg. both parties may agree that
one lost the watch and the other found it, but still disagree over who should get it.
Put yourself in their shoes, don't interpret their intentions based on your fears, and never blame.
Discuss each other's perceptions openly and explicitly, and look for ways to act inconsistently
with the other side's perceptions (eg. acting as a partner instead of an enemy).

Give the other side a stake in the outcome by making sure they participate in the
process - If they are not involved in the process, they are unlikely to approve the product. If you
want the other side to accept a disagreeable conclusion, it is crucial that you involve them in the
process of reaching that conclusion. Even if the terms of an agreement seem favorable, the
other side may reject them simply out of a suspicion born of their exclusion from the drafting
process. Agreement becomes much easier if both parties feel ownership of the ideas. Apart
from the substantive merits, the feeling of participation in the process is perhaps the single most
important factor in determining whether a negotiator accepts a proposal. In a sense, the process
is the product.

Don't write up a master proposal to present to the other side. Instead, stage a joint drafting session.

Emotions
In a negotiation, parties may be more ready for battle than for cooperatively working out a
solution to a common problem. With the stakes high, feeling threatened and other emotions on
both sides can compound to quickly bring a negotiation to an impasse or end.

Tips:

Pay attention to "core concerns" - autonomy - desires to make your own choices and control
yor own fate. appreciation - desire to be recognized and valued. affiliation - desire to belong as
an accepted member of some peer group. status the desire to feel fairly seen and
acknowledged. attending to them can build rapport and a positive climate for problem-solving
negotiation

Make emotions explicit and acknowledge them as legitimate - making your feelings or theirs
an explicit focus of discussion will not only underscore the seriousness of the problem, it will
also make the negotiations less reactive and more proactive. Freed from the burden of
unexpressed emotions, people will become more likely to work on the problem * Allow the other
side to let off steam when necessary; don't react, sympathize

Communication
Three common problems:

1. Sides have given up and are no longer trying to actually communicate, but instead trip one
another up, impress third parties, or persuade spectators into taking sides
2. Listening without hearing
3. Misunderstanding/misinterpretation
Tips:

 Practice active listening

 Speak about you, not about them. Describe problems in terms of their impact on you,
and your feelings about them. If you make a statement about them that they feel is untrue,
they will ignore you or get upset and not focus on your concern.
 Speak with purpose but don't spill the beans (eg. letting the other side know how flexible
you are)