Anger Management

Anger Management
Written by Daniel Barnhart, MFA
Introduction
“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” In the enduring film,”Network,” Peter Finch uttered
the immortal lines that were to permeate our society. Though not all, or even most, pursued an aggressive course
of action and rebellion, something seemed to resonate. After all, didn’t we have a right to be angry? Wasn’t there
so much to be angry at? Isn’t there still? Big business treating employees like disposable assets and demanding
ever‐increasing sacrifices. Corporate greed amassing huge profits while raping the hard‐earned savings of
average people. Hollywood and media barraging us with images and messages about how to evaluate our
condition, make decisions and insure our happiness through a purchase, a diet, a pill or a lifestyle. Journalism
rising in ever‐increasing notes of provocative sensationalism aimed at triggering our emotional responses. The all
out stealing of resources and labor of disadvantaged nations and the poor… There is so much to be angry about.
If we were to note on the evening news, or in the newspaper or periodicals, that twenty to forty percent
of our country was operating under the influence of a chemically altered state (anger) what might be the reaction?
A demand for action? Self‐protective measures? Compassion for the unfortunate who fall prey to addiction?
While this might sound like an interesting premise that might instigate an interesting conversation and
speculation among friends or at a party…unfortunately, it is a true fact. One out of ten people suffer from anger
producing burnout in the workplace (Jones, 2004). Another two million suffer from “toxic anger” (Gentry, 1999).
In all, an incredible twenty to forty percent of Americans exhibit signs of stress, fear, anger or rage—each a part of
a primitive survival mechanism programmed into our bodies.
Part of that survival system involves highly effective and powerful chemicals, released internally and
designed to ready us for bloody survival conflict. But where is the conflict? In a traffic jam? Over a memo at
work? A missed order in a restaurant or a sarcastic comment from a fellow worker or student?
High emotional intensity does not equal rational feelings. Heightened emotional states produce chemical
changes in the body that affect our thinking, our rationality, our perspective and our judgment. In essence,
someone who is angry is “operating under the influence.” And, based on statistics, close to one‐quarter to one‐
half of our society is under the influence at any given time.
As might be expected, this raging phenomenon has spawned a huge industry called “anger
management.” As might not be expected, there is no standard or guidelines for how to regulate or monitor or
standardize this industry into a cohesive, unified assault upon the problem. It is catch as catch can, the tail
wagging the dog, and anyone with a unique premise or catchy title is free to pursue a publishing contract and
unleash their opinions on that twenty to forty percent of the population actively dealing with their anger. Some
authors are respected clinicians and practitioners in the mental health field. Others are not. Some books offer
mostly anecdotal examples or self‐assessment tests and scoring analysis. Others are more steeped in research and
trials with evidential data supporting their conclusions.
The aim of anger management is to construct a means to dismantle the automatic anger reflex by
introducing conscious awareness of how and why we react, and to develop acceptable alternative behaviors to
destructive expressions of anger. The goal of the information herein, is to assemble, as practically and as possible,
a comprehensive overview of the types of approaches, the rationale behind the approaches, and practical skills
and techniques to accomplish anger management. The information is inevitably focused on the anger expression
that is directed outward through verbal and possible physical explosions. This is not to say, however, that those
who do not “explode” are not necessarily angry or do not need to learn some way to manage their anger, or to
more productively manage their anger.
One anecdotal reference describes a woman who professes to allow “no anger” around her, in her home
or in her family. Not only is this unrealistically dysfunctional and extremely destructive in the long term, it is also
a false claim. She herself channels her anger through controlling the scheduling and activities of those around her,
attempting to insure that no unexpected occurrence could create a confrontation that would erupt into an anger
expression. The fact is that she herself is a very angry person. Anger has a way of seeking escape. It is an internal
pressure that is an inevitable part of frustration and failed expectation, though it can be managed into productive
change. In some cases by making even small changes in the environment, the expectations or the belief system,
Anger Management ©2005 University Of Metaphysical Sciences 1
can alleviate unnecessary anger. By insisting on suppressing and avoiding the anger around her, this woman
contributed to a plethora of dysfunctional family experiences without ever realizing her responsibility or that her
anger had created the situation. Unfortunately, the patterns of behavior became so entrenched, that the
individuals could no longer interact outside of the proscribed circles of “acceptable” behavior. There was no
opportunity for the type of spontaneous interaction that leads to growth and satisfying relationship experiences.
The unraveling of such a complex situation is filled with pitfalls and traps and most likely is a candidate
for family or relationship counseling rather than a mere course in anger management. Anger management can,
though, be a beginning, a key to prompt insight and change or a part of deeper, complementary counseling. For
the most part, anger management focuses on the development of awareness and consciousness of behavior, as
well as developing practical skills to guide oneself (with or without assistance) through the process of effecting
changes in behavior that has yielded unsatisfying or detrimental results.
There is a certain irony in it all, and perhaps something to be aware of, in that “anger” often is treated like
a “thing” like something “real” while at the same time the prevailing opinion is that anger is merely a thought or
belief that needs to be developed or changed. It really becomes a question of an age‐old problem in any non‐
quantifiable arena: don’t focus on the problem, focus on the solution. Yet this is hard to do, especially when
solving the problem. A certain Zen parable illustrates:
“A student came to his master and explained that he was having problems with his anger. The teacher
replied, ‘Fine. Just give it to me. ’But I can’t,’ the student replied, ‘for I am now not angry.’ ‘Fine,’ responded the
teacher. ‘The next time you are angry just bring it to me.’ ‘But it is not something I can bring you,’ said the
student. ‘Just so,’ said the teacher. ‘You can not bring it to me because it is not a real thing and not a part of you.
Joy you can give. Happiness you can share. Those things are real, and to those things you shall look when you are
tempted to believe in anger.’”
In addition to techniques and anger management approaches, this course will look at defining anger from
a physical and sociological perspective, with an eye towards its inclusion under the broader umbrella of
metaphysical sciences.
Many, if not all, of the following works are referenced at some point in this paper, and are reflective of a
broader selection. Included are those specifically valuable or noteworthy (either for their information or
accessibility) as well as those that have been included as representative of a “type” of work available in
publication. Many more works than those listed have gone into the research and contributed to the overall effort.
However, no author’s work is specifically cited internally without reference.
Review Of Literature
(Exam questions are not drawn from the Review of Literature section)
Anger Free: Ten Basic Steps to Managing Your Anger (1992) was written by W. Doyle Gentry, a doctor of
psychology and third generation anger researcher who is the twenty‐year editor‐in‐chief of the Journal of
Behavioral Medicine. He introduces and defines “toxic anger” and offers a mind‐body approach to anger
management in easily accessed sections of information. He draws on clinical experiences, private practice
experiences and personal experiences as effective illustrations.
Our Inner World of Rage (1991) was written by Lucy Freeman, a former New York Times reporter who
founded a psychology and mental health department. The former reporter that Freeman was is evident in her
thorough overview of anger written in an easy to read style. This work is a nicely flowing compilation of
anecdotes and observations supplementing and illustrating the research of various professionals in the field.
Anger Busting 101: New ABC’s For Angry Men And The Women Who Love Them (2002) was written by
Newton Hightower, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of the Center For Anger Resolution. He includes
concrete, immediate behavioral methods for managing anger. He gives a no‐nonsense, action based strategy,
written directly and simply by someone who failed before succeeding, both as an angry husband and an anger
management therapist. This work is extensively endorsed by professionals and lay workers for its effectiveness.
Anger (2001) was written by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Whatever your faith, this book is a meditation of its own. The simple, peaceful language and practical story‐like
examples are guaranteed to be as calming and thought provoking as “the path” he teaches. Simple enough for a
child to understand but profound enough to go back to again and again.
The Dance of Anger (1985) was written by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., a renowned therapist at the
Menninger Clinic. This book specifically targets women and women’s relationships. This book is heavy on
anecdotal illustrations and therefore better as an entire “read for understanding” than for reference or referral.
The Anger Advantage: The Surprising Benefits Of Anger And How It Can Change A Woman’s Life (2003) was
written by Deborah Cox, Ph.D., Karen Bruckner, M.A., L.P.C. and Sally Stabb, Ph.D. The title reveals the focus. It
is not for everyone, but very effective at elucidating common and pervasive issues arising from the sociological
viewpoint of women and anger.
The Anger Workbook (1993) by Les Carter Ph.D., Frank Minirth, M.D., has a decidedly Christian slant, but
well within the parameters of similar, purely psychological works. It contains easily parceled topics in a true
workbook style, best suited for self‐learning, evaluating and changing thinking rather than any deep discovery or
behavioral transformation.
Getting Over Getting Mad (2001) by Judy Ford, is one of the few books written by lay people that is as
accessible and informative as it is responsible and well researched. It is very easy to reference on a multitude of
specific issues and behaviors, both illustrating and explaining the problem and possible solutions.
Overcoming Anger (2004) by Carolyn Jones, Ph.D. MFT, is a particularly practical book with effective
instructions on getting to the bottom of the hidden beliefs influencing behavior.
Anger: How To Live With It And Without It (1985), by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. is a good read. Ellis is a prolific
author and acknowledged expert in mental health who founded the Rational Emotive Behavior Institute as well
as REB Therapy. This and his other work, Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings And Behaviors are thorough
explorations and explanations that offer—outside of the professional journals themselves—probably the most
complete, researched and proven information of anything on the popular shelves.
The Rage Within (1984) was written by Willard Gaylin, M.D. Along with Ellis’ work, this is the most
essential material available for understanding anger. It reads easily, but instructively, like a well‐written textbook
with accessible and interesting information. Especially arresting is his knowledge of the physical organism and its
response to anger.
Facing the Fire: Experiencing And Expressing Anger Appropriately (1993) was written by John Lee (with Bill
Scott). This book’s best value is the fact that it is written by someone who’s “been through the fire” but is not a
professional or a counselor himself. The result can be curiously insightful and straightforward, much as the
account of a battle from the soldier’s perspective would differ from that of the general. The big picture might
sometimes be missing, but it provides an interesting perspective.

Anger, Part I
In order to discuss anger management, it is important to know exactly what we’re trying to manage.
Everyone gets angry. In fact, to repress anger is unhealthy (Hankins and Hankins, 1988); also, see “IV. Scientific
and Medical Findings.” But what exactly is it? We’ve all felt it. But do we recognize it? As Mr. Shakespeare
illustrates, perception is key. Someone coming from a strictly and typically Midwestern American background
might be more convinced upon first encountering a “discussion” of those from a classically Italian cultural
background, that he was witnessing or experiencing the expression of “anger.” Raised voices, passionate
viewpoints, gesticulations…he or she would recognize all these things as anger. And they certainly might be, in
the context of his cultural upbringing. However, they wouldn’t necessarily be expressions of anger to a person
from an Italian background, for these expressions are not always seen in Italian culture as anger.
The New World Dictionary (2000) defines anger as, “A feeling of displeasure resulting from injury,
mistreatment, opposition, etc., and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of this
feeling.” Every working definition of anger recognizes and defines it as a “feeling” and/or “emotion.” And,
within this New World Dictionary definition, anger is recognized as an essential emotion (Ellis, 1992; Luhn 1992;
Gaylin 1984). In fact, most mental health experts agree that anger has been a necessary tool in man’s evolution
and development. It is an instinct of self‐preservation. Without anger, one retreats to passivity in the face of
opposition (Rubin, 1997). Passivity would, evolutionally speaking, lead to the loss of livestock, land, food and
freedom‐elements essential to survival, civilization and ultimately the establishment of “leisure time” (time not
spent in the pursuit of food and shelter), which permits education and the development of higher faculties. If we
return to our dictionary, we see that the word “anger” evolved from the Old Norse, Greek and German words
meaning “constriction,” “strangulation” and “fear.” Obviously, as civilization and language developed, the word
had connotations honestly derived from the causative feelings of the anger experience.
We recognize anger internally in ourselves as a feeling or emotion, but anger more often is seen, felt and
talked about in terms of an action and its consequences. In a more modern context, we can extend the previous
metaphor to see that anger could be a stimulus that encourages one to pursue better wages, more desirable jobs,
deeper relationships and opportunities for inner growth or self‐expression because, in short, anger prompts us
not to accede as a victim to a particular situation.
The reasoning behind this is best chronicled by Gaylin in The Rage Within (1984). Though most serious
works on anger management give at least passing reference to anger’s roots in the “fight or flight” evolutionary
development, Gaylin extensively and allegorically explains it at the primal state, rather than jumping in and
building of the reader’s supposed and perhaps faulty understanding of “fight or flight.” According to Gaylin,
“Rage and fear are ‘emergency emotions’ established biologically to protect us from danger when the meaning
and nature of ‘danger’ were unequivocal.” The body physically reacts to a threat with an autonomic biological
response readying for a frontal assault. Muscles, functions, secretions, hormones, chemicals…all react
instinctively and automatically to our perception of threat or danger. But while the threat and danger response
remains unchanged from its primitive origin, the more civilized threats and dangers of today are usually far from
what we can call “life threatening.”
Nevertheless, anger remains with us for the primary reason that we retain a sense of threat and danger
from multiple and perhaps evolving sources and for a myriad of reasons. We are left with a set of biological
mechanisms, that left unchecked, unmanaged, actually diminish rather than enhance our chance of survival. The
“animal” becomes armed for assault…but assault on what? We rarely face the object of our anger but rather its
agent: the boss’s memo…the clerk following manager policy…a television report about crime or terrorism. If one
becomes fixated on the object or the object’s agent as a particular person or group of people, then the potential for
seriously hurtful and abusive relationships presides. The good news is that intelligence can be an alternative to
fixed instinct. The bad news is that emotions can distort the memory and perception of the event that triggers it.
Anger is linked to associative emotions and feelings of fear, rage, false pride, jealousies, depression, anxiety et. al.
along with causative feelings of betrayal, self‐doubt, disapproval, deprivation, manipulation and the like—Ellis
1992, Gaylin 1984, Rubin 1997, Valentis 1994. Each of these sources also indicate that the perceived presence of any
of these associations can make the most mundane environment seem more hazardous, and thus—a threat.
The anger emotion may be an important and necessary thing, but it is not necessarily a positive
experience—unless it can be managed positively. “To repress anger is unhealthy and yet to express it
impulsively…may give momentary relief but will inevitably carry negative consequences.” (McKenzie,
http://www.SelfHelpMagazine.com/articles/growth/anger.html, 9/14/2004). Unmanaged anger can be linked to other
emotions such as false pride and jealousies (Ellis, 1992), senses of betrayal, deprivation, disapproval and the like
(Gaylin, 1984) that begin to overtly or covertly influence one’s actions. Underscoring this point, note that the
dictionary carefully and expressly points at “…the supposed cause of this feeling,” indicating, again, the
importance of perception.
“Fear and anger were designed to serve as responses to threats to our survival…not [affronts] to our
pride, status, position, manhood or dignity… We respond to an affront with biological defenses appropriate for
assaults. We experience these assaults as though they were threats to our survival.” (Gaylin, 1984). This crucial
linkage between the biological “emergency response system” and our emotional perception of events is hardly a
new or recent phenomenon. It has, not surprisingly, roots and a history as old as civilization itself. For as much as
it was a necessary component to our becoming civilized, anger has also infringed upon our civilization when it
rules unconsciously with obsolete and unnecessarily counterproductive behaviors.

History Of Anger, Part II
Historically, anger has produced wars and generated peace. It has created both villains and heroes. The
outcome of any anger related event is dependent on how or whether the anger is managed into positive
expression or merely expressed in retaliation, revenge or self‐justification.
Our earliest myths, fables and literature are surprisingly moralistic tales of personal anger conflicts
(where anger is meant to include its extrapolated active forms, including, primarily, revenge and retaliation).
Aesop immortalized stories of classic “anger management” successes where the wise, level heads and clear
thinking win out over the emotionally reactive antagonist. The Brothers Grimm took an even “grimmer” tact by
killing or imprisoning evil‐doers. In mythology the gods were seemingly always angry at a slight or betrayal.
Zeus kept Prometheus chained to a rock in eternal agony, and Hera was constantly exacting revenge on Zeus’
lovers. And the story of Oedipus is a classic tale that continues to be re‐worked into modern plot lines, albeit with
a little more psychological subtlety. Though Freud made Oedipus infamous through his psychoanalytical
theories, it is the famously clear‐cut tale of emotional anger and revenge that produced a tragedy of resonance
with generations of audiences. Likewise, Shakespeare’s tragedies all hinge on anger and rage to incite the story of
the drama: Richard III’s cynical anger, Titus’ rage, Iago’s malice and Lear’s affront. To cite just two specific
examples: Iago’s anger inspires a lie to Othello whose anger at Cassio inspires a wave of destructive action
(including Othello’s own eventual suicide), and; King Lear’s angry rejection of his youngest daughter destroys his
kingdom. Modern drama—reflecting the increased complexity of society—has less clear cut acts and
consequences…instead taking the track of an often futile, seething anger against the modern gods, the faceless
fates behind the desks of businesses and political office.
In societal conflict we see the smaller scale of nomadic herders or hunter‐gatherers forming little families
(then societies) for self‐preservation and eventual dominance or domination. On a larger scale, supposedly the
injury (to pride), by the abduction of Helen of Troy, started the massive Trojan War that raged for years and
decimated both countries. In fact, supposed slights such as this were the impetus for numerous skirmishes and
battles throughout history, probably most notable in the French and English conflicts that saw parts of Normandy
and Burgundy change hands dozens of times over hundreds of years. The animosities formed persist to this day
in small ethnic slurs and sentiment among many of both populations.
Decades fueled anger resulted in wars of ethnic cleansing for many African nations, Serbia, Croatia,
Russia, Nazi Germany and many more. These cases are sociologically interesting in that a third party or outside
event usually forced close living of different ethnic populations, and it is difficult to discern whether the resultant
anger and ethnic cleansing is a true rage at another ethnic group, or if the opposing group merely assumes the
“face” of an anger focus while both parties are impotent in their suppression by a dominant, third‐party tyranny.
Although righteous anger can be a tool of either politics, hindsight or expedient justification of
conscience (such as Hitler’s treatment of the Jews, the Crusades for the Holy Land, or the U.S. Wars on
Terrorism), more often that anger is forged from an in‐the‐moment fear of a supposed future injury or
mistreatment. This is the classic “fight or flight” link that can exist, be created or manipulated to inspire fear of
that classical threat of danger of survival. The attack on Pearl Harbor created a fear that could be transformed or
manipulated into righteous anger, or the threat of excommunication and damnation could impel the Crusaders to
launch a “holy” war. Hitler’s resentment about the financial success of Jewish businessmen and desire to see the
Aryan race dominate over inferior races came from perceived threats to survival.
In modern times we see the effect of such anger in acts of terrorism and its retaliatory responses. Though
couched in various ideologies and/or religious doctrines, we can objectively look to our dictionary definition and
see that what we really have is “a desire to fight back at the supposed cause” of feelings of “displeasure resulting
from injury, mistreatment, opposition…” Again, perception is the key. Both sides of the conflicts will, by
definition, experience anger. How that anger is managed will determine the expression it takes. In this case a
fermenting displeasure and the resultant desire to fight needs only a target, a “supposed cause of that feeling”
and a means to fight.
But what if inflammatory situations are actually anger managed? Can the result be positive? We can look
at several examples to answer the affirmative.
First, we have Gandhi’s successful overthrow of British rule through non‐violent means. Despite years of
oppression, and numerous incidental attempts to throw off British rule, India was still securely within Great
Britain’s power. However, Gandhi, an English educated Indian, well‐off, privileged and comfortable by most of
his countrymen’s standards, began to first identify not with his “assumed identity” as a psuedo‐Englishman, but
as an Indian. Then, he began to experience a moralistic sense of anger, identifying this supposed cause of
“…injury, mistreatment, opposition and etc...” But rather than impulsively and aggressively releasing the anger
in action, Gandhi successfully managed his feelings and emotions into actions that were calculated, rational and
effective. The result was, essentially, the overthrowing of an empire.
Second, based upon and building on Gandhi’s success we have the U.S.A. civil rights movement of the
1960’s, where Dr. King and others followed Gandhi’s approach. Previously, the anger on both sides of the civil
rights question had either stonewalled any constructive action, or led to violence or retaliatory measures. While
there were undoubtedly strides made in individual venues, collectively the angry rhetoric and aggressive stances
served only to further reinforce fears and polarize the issue. However passionate the words and rhetoric became,
Dr. King overall maintained focus, managing his anger into channels of positive action like non‐violent protest
and rational debate. Though the final measure of success may be disputed, success itself must be noted in the
legislative and eventual cultural shifts that began to take place.
These are the archetypal situations that could lead to armed conflict and despotic resolution; that is, a
repressed class or a group of people rise in rebellion with a “winner‐take‐all” result. The victor usually exerts a
despotic control over the loser in the form of punishment and retribution, often writing (or re‐writing) the history
as well. The fact that there was no “armed conflict,” despite violence, negated the need for necessary retaliatory
measures and allowed an opening for discussion and movement.
Further, we can look at the Ireland dilemma, and similar situations where negotiations are actually a
positive form of anger management; that is, anger leading to an expression and communication of feelings that
results in a positive outcome. The Irish situation is dramatic in that it so aptly illustrates a modern metaphor on
such a large scale. After decades of hostilities, emotional rage resulting in warlike and terroristic actions on both
sides, a more peaceful and constructive action was taken: dialogue that honestly, sincerely addressed the injury,
mistreatment, opposition and other oppressions perceived by both sides. Like any “anger management”
discipline, there were trials and missteps in the practice of a constructive way to express anger. Though the peace
may still rest uneasily, it has broken a cycle of perception and habituae that most certainly did not succeed.
And why not? Because unmanaged anger produces behaviors that inhibit positive growth interaction
with self and others. In the case of many historical examples of war and armed conflict, we see fear, anger and
rage provoked and manipulated on a very large scale, and we may be tempted to focus on the “faceless”
oppressors at the expense of seeing the power of an individual effort to overcome the temptation of succumbing
to anger. Certainly Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. became focal points for change. But it is also possible for
an individual to be an instigator for change—even in the face of a huge, unyielding injustice.
It is prudent to note that rather than being a mere figurehead or focal point, Nelson Mandela almost
single handedly transformed an entire nation of fear and hate. Respected and revered as a terrorist/fighter/rebel
figure, Mandela emerged from prison a changed person. His adamant forgiveness and his refusal to hate changed
the political climate in South Africa almost overnight. Despite all the justification to hate his persecutors,
Mandela’s attitude of love and forgiveness disarmed both sides of the conflict. Though he was not the only
influence at play, his role was the pivotal center of change, for he had transformed his anger. While many looked
to Mandela to rise up and lead in hate and anger, his healing and transcendence of the anger response led
hundreds of thousands to a new perspective.
One final example on a more personal level, let’s look at the story of Candy Lightner. When her daughter
was killed by a drunk driver, Ms. Lightner was shocked and outraged at the miniscule penalty imposed on the
drunk driver. Anyone who has children could probably relate to her rage. Her subsequent inquiries revealed the
startling fact that most drunk driving cases were treated as misdemeanors—even when a death resulted. Rather
than rage impotently against the system—which wasn’t working—Lightner started an organization known as
MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. This organization has become a nationwide organization for educating
and informing schools and the public at large, as well as being a success in lobbying for legal and law
enforcement reform.
From a historic perspective, unmanaged anger shows little power to evoke positive change. You can win
the battle but lose the war, so to speak. Managed anger, however, shows a power for great change, to overthrow
injustice and promote peace and healing on almost any scale. It undoubtedly must begin at an individual level,
either to rise to the heights of positive action or merely to resist being manipulated into destructive action.

What is Anger? Part III
What does the historical perspective tell as about anger in today’s world? While there are certainly still
noble causes against injustice, contemporary society sees anger on a much more individual, personal level.
Spousal abuse, child abuse, gang violence, random drive‐by killings… Is this really the same anger? For the
greater part of our “civilized” history, a man’s spouse and child were considered property. The concept of
women’s or children’s rights was scarcely considered. It is only since the industrial revolution that writers and
social activists like Dickens began to pierce the veil of this kind of thinking, and even then, as evidenced by the
numerous moral dramas that persist on stage and screen to this day, this type of abuse continues, albeit in a less
tolerated fashion.
The bandits and highwaymen were terrorists from medieval times to the late 19th century. It is only in the
relatively recent past that we, at least in the United States, have felt “free” to travel. Badland desperados and
masked men were the terror of every traveler until the railroad assumed coast‐to‐coast service. Still, such acts
were usually in pursuit of money, and were not acts of unbridled violence. It is hard to imagine a figure on
horseback riding down a two‐pony wagon in a fit of road rage.
So herein lies the crux of the matter: is there a historical context or any clue to tell us what we are facing
as a society? It is only the very recent past that saw a nation transfixed by Truman Capote’s account of “In Cold
Blood,” or a society gripped by Charles Manson’s grisly actions. Today, in addition to events like “road rage,” we
have teens and children carrying out mass murders in schools, political malcontents bombing government
buildings, office workers holding employees hostage… Is this really the anger of primitive “flight or fight”
syndrome?
If we look at a sampling of anger definitions from modern counselors and therapists, we find the
following:
1. “A combination of thoughts, feelings and behaviors when you are frustrated by conditions or treated
unfairly. Negative internal feelings accompanied by perceptual disorder.”—Kassanove, H. and Fessbach,
S. 1963 Anger Management.
2. “Anger is a delusion that focuses on an animate or inanimate object, feels it to be unattractive,
exaggerates its bad qualities, and wishes to harm it.”—Buddhist teaching.
3. “Anger is a natural response that all people have. It is caused by two basic things: 1) Frustration; not
getting what we want, especially if we were expecting to get it, and 2) Feeling that others do not respect
us or care how we feel.”—Robert John McCrary, Ph.D.
4. “An emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.”—Charles
Spielberger, PhD. (www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html)
5. “Anger is a feeling…your response to the world not going as you wish.”—John Lee “Facing the Fire,” 1993.
6. “Anger is for our protection against something that hurts or threatens to hurt us.”—DeFoore, 1991.
If we attempt to roll this all into one single working definition, we arrive at, “Anger is a deluded feeling
caused by hurt or frustration, with a desire to harm the object causing this feeling.” Notice how close we remain
to our New World definition: “A feeling of displeasure resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, etc., and
usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of this feeling.” Also, notice that only the
Buddhist teaching and the dictionary suggest that the feeling may not be justified or may be misdirected.
If we turn to another definition we find, an insight to what “anger” has come to mean. “Unlike
aggression, anger does not necessarily include a desire to destroy or cause personal harm.” (Mary Paquette, PhD,
RN.) It’s important to note that Freud (who, as mentioned earlier, started the ball rolling on anger management),
specifically separated anger from aggression. Webster’s definition of aggression is, “a forceful action or procedure
(as an unprovoked attack) especially when intended to dominate or master; hostile, injurious, or destructive
behavior or outlook especially when caused by frustration.”
Here then, we find an enlightening insight to our question, “What is anger?” In anger management terms,
anger has been put forth as instinctual and programmed biologically. Anger had been argued as having a rightful
and needful place in our makeup. However, aggression has not. What is needed then is to remove the
aggressiveness from the anger expression. While many of the authors and research itself fail to make the
clarification, it is true nonetheless and should be kept in the forefront of our thought when we speak of “anger.”
In anger management terms, we are speaking of the aggressive hostility that results from unmanaged anger. This
hostility, the kind of seemingly random and unprovoked violence that spawns everything from murder over
parking spots and fistfights over parking tickets to mass killings in schools and the workplace can in no way be
mistaken for an emergency survival system on any rational level of thought.
Lest we take too literally the meaning or interpretation of aggressiveness when linked to anger, we
should keep in mind that acts of aggression are not always accompanied by raised voices and threatening
gestures. Anger aggression can take many forms. Passive aggression comes from anger just as non‐passive
aggression does.
Scientific Research and Medical Findings, Part IV
With anger (and its components of fear, anxiety, rage) so obviously an emotional and mental state
common to all of our species, and most other species as well, isn’t there some scientific and medical data that can
help? The answer is both yes and no. While research has been, and continues to be conducted, and certain
behaviors or symptoms are well studied and documented, our actual understanding of the neurochemistry of
anger has been enhanced only meagerly.
For better or worse, research begins with Freud. His theories linked anger, as well as most other things, to
unconscious fear. His theories and conclusions were often far too simplistic and narrow to be of certain value,
which reduced much of his work to commonplace, modern‐day ridicule: “I am afraid of homosexuals, therefore I
am a homosexual.” However, his focus on hidden fears was nonetheless very valuable in that it started a process
of thinking about fear and anger.
The first real attempt to scientifically study anger was made by Walter Rudolf Hess in the 1920’s. These
first anatomical attempts to understand anger provided a great breakthrough. Inserting electrodes into various
areas of the mid‐brain, researchers focused on the thalamus, a part of the brain that was poorly understood, but
thought to have some relationship to our basic animalistic drives, instincts and functions. Direct stimulation in
this area produced a consistent and predictable response; defensive posturing, agitation and all the classic
mannerisms of preparing for attack. Other researchers were able to replicate the experiments and theorems on the
subject of anger began. The subject of the research was not a human, but a cat.
J.W. Papez began a line of research that was expanded by others. It involved “mapping” the specific
circuit of the thalamus and other subcortal structures that appeared to be involved with the primitive
mechanisms of emotional behavior in general. This “circuit” has come to be called the limbic system, and is now
viewed as the central pathway linking perception on one hand with metabolism and emotion on the other.
With a clear map, psychosurgery became inevitable. Operations on epilepsy patients who could not
respond to drugs were conducted for their survival. Lobotomies and other cortical operations were used as a last‐
resort efforts for intractable psychotics. However, physiologists were becoming increasingly aware that human
anger and emotional rage was a much different and more complex thing than the basic aggression response
found in animals. “Despite these increasingly complicated differentiations, sweeping generalizations were made
about controlling social anger based on limited anatomic studies of specific rage.” (Gaylin, 54.) More studies
needed to be done in order to truly negate anger.
Beyond the physiology and anatomy of anger, we are equally ignorant of the neurochemistry of anger.
Because the human brain continues to defy our best efforts to classify and clarify its functioning components into
simple cause and effect processes, experiments have not yielded concrete results. Experiments are always
controlled and isolated, yet the brain seems to consistently yield new information beyond our ability to control.
Redundancies of systems, interconnectivity, the ability to restore or create new synaptic pathways to repair
damaged elements… If it sounds like a futuristic, self‐aware computer, and perhaps it is. But the functions of
thought and especially emotions continue to defy physical definitions of function.
The first modern research of the anger problem began approximately in the 1980’s when researchers
began to develop personality “types.” The Type A personality was discovered to be linked to heart disease, but
“…the lethal component of type A personality was anger.” (Charles Spielberger, University Of Southern Florida
9/14/04, http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles /mi_m1571 /is_1_16/ ai_58509293)
While modern chemicals (drugs) produce desirable results, or at least the results desired—for combating
such symptoms as depression, attention deficit, and aggression, we must equally acknowledge the failure of these
drugs to act consistently across all patient cases, or even over time on the same patient. The nature of
chemicalization means that once introduced into the system it will spread throughout the system. As Gaylin
points out in his book The Rage Within (1984), “How are we to know, at this point, how many of the variables we
have controlled? The chemicals themselves may react differently in different locations.” With our lack of
knowledge of the brain’s functional structures the chemical approach to altering or adjusting behavior seems to
be unreliable at this time. With so much of what we thought we knew yesterday to be proven untrue tomorrow,
chemical introductions may have unforeseen future consequences.
Recent discoveries of the effects of naturally produced chemicals such as endorphins seem to point to a
new era of understanding. As Gaylin is one of the only medical doctors currently writing on the subject of anger
and anger management, it seems prudent to look at several key points he makes on the topic of our current level
of understanding in regards to the brain’s chemistry: “But nothing—let me repeat, nothing—can be definitively
said at this point about the chemistry of emotion, despite all the claims and counterclaims…In all these
experiments, equally competent researchers have found contradictory results.”
At this point I must interject a call to attention. While so few medical doctors are writing about or
addressing the subject of anger, there is hardly a fifteen minute span where media advertising does not promote
the use of some chemical (drug) for the purpose of depression, stress, anxiety, (insert your own symptom), all of
which have been proven to be linked to aggressive anger. There is, after all, an acknowledged awareness of anger
as a large and growing problem in our society. If we are going to introduce a medical solution, wouldn’t it be
advisable to have a medical consensus? The answer here is that despite well meaning medical professionals, a
powerful pharmaceutical industry makes a lot of money by selling its products. Unfortunately, the more
nebulous and mystifying a problem such as anger, the more opportunity there is to promote (and the more
willingness there is to receive) a “solution in a bottle” as it were. It is easier to take a pill every day than it is to
change your patterns of thinking, especially if insurance will cover the cost. This itself is a pattern, habit and
current condition of our culture, and anger management counselors should be aware of it.
If there is so little that we know for sure, is there anything that remains that we know for certain? Yes. We
know quite a bit about the physiological symptoms of anger. Simple “before, during and after” measurements of
body chemistry and physiology produce a pretty clear picture of what changes occur, even if we understand little
about how the brain communicates the messages for these things to happen.
If we remember the “fight or flight” reactions of primitive humanity, it is obvious that our ancestors
needed to act quickly and aggressively to each threat if they were going to remain alive. That means they would
need enhanced energy for periods of up to 10 minutes. After the first ten minutes, the surprise of immediate
danger would lessen, and more logical faculties would be needed. At the first sign of danger, the brain
releases corticotropin‐releasing hormone [CRH], which stimulates the release of cortisol and adrenalin in the
adrenal gland.
Adrenalin increases lung capacity, heart rate and respiration. Pupils dilate and the epidermal cilia rise,
increasing sensitivity. (These cilia [hairs] are literally the raising of “the hair on the back of your neck” that we’ve
all experienced, and are the same kind of trigger reaction that cause the bushing out of a cat or dog under duress.
In our case, lacking enough body hair to make it a menacing tactic, it merely increases sensitivity.) The digestive
system is shut down and blood flow is shunted away from major organs. The liver dumps fats and sugars into the
bloodstream for energy.
Cortisol causes red corpuscles to become “sticky,” generating a clotting agent in case of wound and
injury, and also triggers a dramatic increase in insulin, which encourages storage of body fats. So, while
maximum energy is being dumped into the body, the body is also preparing itself to replenish those stores as
soon as possible to prepare for the next emergency.
Now, this system is pretty dramatic and probably functioned quite well when we were still hunter‐
gatherers. However most common day fear and stress factors (the anger triggers) are not life and death situations.
Unfortunately, your brain cannot distinguish the difference between a life and death situation and everyday
stress: it reacts precisely the same in both situations. So, as you read the memo from your boss, listen to a child
throw a temper tantrum, or sit deadlocked in traffic, your body is undergoing massive chemical reactions
designed for you to expel a massive amount of energy, and for shortly consuming a massive amount of energy.
All this unused energy leaves you on edge, heart pounding and, usually in ten minutes or so after the adrenalin
fades, with an increased appetite. This energy factor explains why many who suffer from chronic anger or stress
can be workaholics or have weight problems. Depending on the personality, the increased energy may drive
some to expend the energy in obsessive exercise rituals or work, while others may internalize the energy rush
only to succumb to the messages of appetite while that unused energy is restored in the form of body fat.
Needless to say, all of this translates into physical risks and medical problems. For many years, the
medical community has been aware that the “anger components” or “predispositions” like stress and anxiety
definitively lead to and exacerbate high blood pressure, stroke, migraine headaches, tension headaches, muscle
spasms, constipation and a host of other illnesses and complaints. Prolonged or habitual stresses and anxieties
can produce hypertension, colonitis, bulimia, strokes, heart attacks, migraine headaches and more.
Though we’re unsure exactly and specifically how the brain stimulates the body, we know what those
stimuli produce:
1. Acute awareness of the senses. Blood flow and adrenalin cause physiological reactions that enhance
hearing, smell and vision. Touch becomes more sensitive and is magnified. The pupils dilate
for better night vision, which may change the focus during daylight.
2. Blood chemistry is altered by the flooding of adrenalin and cortisol (a blood coagulant for clotting in
case wounds are inflicted). The liver dumps more fats and sugars into the bloodstream for
energy stimulus.
3. Heart rate and respiration increase, maximizing flow of blood and oxygen.
4. Digestion and other “non‐essential” fight or flight functions shut down.

It doesn’t take much imagination to picture just how destructive anger can become. While we may only
be cognizant of the “feeling” of our anger—clenched jaw, knot in stomach, sweating, feeling hot and/or
hyperventilating—the reality of what is actually happening is far more disturbing. The image of an “internal time
bomb” is not far off; explosive energy potential locked within a combined space.
This “time bomb” analogy applies to both expressed and unexpressed anger. The truth is that all people
get angry, and anger produces chemical and physiological changes. Unexpressed anger can be even more
dangerous because it “…keeps a person aroused physiologically which can lead to health problems.”

Methods of Anger Management, Part V
Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of the Institute For Rational‐Emotive Behavior Therapy, writes, “Although
numerous books exist today which tell us how to deal with anger, none of them seems to work effectively and
efficiently in all situations.” Though Dr. Ellis is undoubtedly biased in favor of his own approach, the core of his
sentiment is true. There are hundreds of books on Anger and Anger Management in publication at the present
time. Some are written by noted and practicing research professionals, and very few are written by medical
specialists. Most are written by laymen and pop, psuedo‐psychologists, and these are just the published books.
The internet alone will yield hundreds of results on Anger Management. Many web pages offer advice and
insights of questionable and even suspect value with no clue as to the host’s credentials or identity other than a
name like, “The Helpman” or “The Anger Doctor.” As might be expected, even though one might surprisingly
yield a nugget or two, expect the richer yield from those who practice in the field.
With such a wide offering it is difficult to classify and organize methods or approaches into particular
schools of thought. Apart from books there are numerous coaches and classes on anger management proliferating
the market. One company, Anderson & Anderson, has in a relatively brief time become “the first global anger
management training provider,” with “certified anger management facilitators in the U.S., Canada, Guam, South
Africa, Bermuda, Mexico, Ireland, England, the Philippines, and Italy.” The market for anger management is
obviously large and there are no standards or controls, despite Anderson & Anderson’s claim of “certified anger
management facilitators.” Anna Gorman reported in the Los Angeles Times (02/08/03) that judges are
“…increasingly using such programs… Anger management classes, however, are not certified or monitored by
state or local agencies. …In fact, some teachers have no training at all.”
While big players like Anderson & Anderson and the Sedona Method are long on promises and
testimonials and short on specifics (unless you pay for the Seminars or Video Course), it seems most programs
share some basic principles of psychology: understanding, identifying and learning to control angry emotions.
They may employ relaxation techniques, as well, or may not. The effectiveness of such help is disputed by no less
than the APA (American Psychiatric Association), who refuses to take an official position. “We don’t really know
enough about what type of anger management program is best.” (www.andersonservices/com/ resourcenews‐
1.html). “There are as many ways to approach [anger management] as there are people, and it’s created a lot of
confusing, even bizarre methods that can’t be taken seriously,” says W. Doyle Gentry, clinical psychologist and
director of the Institute for Anger Free Living in Lynchburg, VA.
Also, there must be the recognition that despite whatever methodology is used, that habitual, chronic or
toxic anger and/or rage is a behavior that is learned and reinforced over years of exercising negative patterns. A
few hours in a class, a couple of weeks in a program, or even reading a few books is not going to change the
behavior, especially if the subject is going to return to an environment where the patterns and relationships have
already formed.
Other issues that must be recognized in pursuing these methods are 1) the severity of the anger problem
itself, and 2) the subject’s own desire to seek help. A subject who has experienced high levels of anger over a
lengthy period of time may manifest such problems as daily eruptions, severe emotional and physical outbursts,
excessive drinking or drug use, and a general inability to maintain normal relationships and daily living. This
person would obviously best be served by a combination of techniques, including the integration and counsel of a
trained mental health professional. In fact, most writers specifically caution that these patients should not be and,
most likely could not be, helped except under supervision from a professional. The ideas and exercises “may be
harmful to them and to those around them.” (Lee, 1993). Lee also goes so far as to specifically disqualify anger
management as an unsafe option for psychotics, batterers (who vent their rage at people physically, and have an
inability to self‐reflect), and any patient who has a substance abuse problem, as they are, “…altering their minds
and moods in ways that make it difficult for them to know reality…” Less severe cases will, of course, benefit
from these techniques and may not require a different level of care.
A subject who has been court ordered to attend Anger Management counseling for an outburst over a
traffic violation, or attends under pressure from a partner or relative, will almost certainly be less responsive than
the subject who recognizes the need for help and voluntarily seeks it out. They have already begun the process by
arriving at a point of responsibility for their experience and actions.
With these caveats and explanations in place, what follows is an illustration of the most prominent and
prevailing methods of anger management. They are roughly broken into categories; however, they should not be
considered mutually exclusive. In fact, Ellis recommends a blend of all pursuits but one—venting. And certainly,
if one keeps in mind the overall goal of breaking the habit of an emotive reaction to enlist the logical thinking
processes of a rational mind, the effect should be one of providing a mix of useful approaches that may integrate
with and reinforce one another.
The categories selected are not necessarily part of the jargon of current anger management styles, but
rather groupings based upon what seems to be their predominant approach, identity or “selling point” of appeal
in communicating to the masses.
1. Gestalt
2. Venting, a disfavored but still practiced approach
3. Prayer, meditation and religious based discipline
4. Behavioral approaches
5. Cognitive approaches
6. Mnemonic techniques
7. The Anomalies
8. Caveat: the challenges to change
9. Forgiveness
Again, keep in mind that these approaches are segregated for reference purposes only, and will contain some
crossover of techniques. Also, not every specific technique currently “out there” is covered, but rather
predominant or representative approaches.

1. Gestalt
Gestalt therapy requires extensive and specific training. It is much too specialized to be summarized
adequately, but it is mentioned for several interesting premises that link it to anger management.
First, Gestalt reasons that the only proper focus of psychology is the “experiential present moment,” a
perspective of living in the here and now. This is concordant with the efforts of anger management, which seeks
to give the subject access only to the present moment instead of being in an emotionally reactive state according
to patterns established in the past and distant past.
The second reason is that Gestalt maintains a premise that we are inextricably linked in an interaction
with all living things. The correlation here with anger management is obvious, as anger management focuses
exclusively on dismantling a particular type of reactive interactive behavior and focus on establishing new,
healthy patterns of behavior that creates a healthier interaction with all things.
The idea of patterns and symbols is fundamental to Gestalt, which states that we view our lives through
symbolic meanings and interpretations. These symbols need to be analyzed, reworked, and redefined in order for
us to be free of the limitations of the older patterns we have adopted and accepted. It is no surprise that Gestalt
Therapy, once relatively dormant, has enjoyed a resurgence of interest and activity as a potential anger
management model and resource.
Obviously Gestalt is a type of cognizant approach, with behavior altered through the understanding,
recognition and redefining of these symbols. It provides an interesting correlation to other approaches, in that the
anger management client is rarely acting “in the moment” and/or specifically to the environment and situation in
which he/she is erupting. Rather, some form of symbolic transfer is taking place in which the subject is acting to a
perceived threat to survival. The subject is suffering from some transference of association when insignificant or
displaced events provoke the kind of rage exhibited by those with anger problems.

2. Venting
Whether beating pillows, using foam bats, or simply yelling and screaming, venting does not diminish
anger and aggression. Rather it elevates and escalates it. Every current study disproves the merits of venting and
numerous authors (Hightower, 2002; Ellis, 1993; Gaylin, 1995 et.al.) cite the studies involved that prove both its
ineffectiveness and its failing. Any cathartic “release” that may occur is the result of physical or emotional fatigue
caused by the anger escalation and not of any true healing that helps to reshape behavior and belief patterns that
lead to anger problems. While those in therapy or counseling for alternative issues may experience
“breakthroughs” of sorts through venting, subjects with anger management issues fail to exhibit any lasting
benefit.
It is the satisfying feeling of the release on the part of the patient that often yields real tears and
temporary remorse that has mistakenly been accepted as a progressive step. Venting has continued to be used,
especially by those not professionally trained in the field of mental health. This, despite the fact that Fessbach,
perhaps one of the earliest pioneers in modern anger management research, published findings that pointed out
even relatively mild and non‐anger challenged subjects would experience an increase in hostile and aggressive
behavior if encouraged to pursue such courses. (Kassanove, H. and Fessbach, S. 1963). Venting only reinforces
established neural pathways in the brain that are exactly the patterns that anger management counseling is
attempting to neutralize.

3. Prayer, Meditation and Religious Based Disciplines
Judy Ford, in Getting Over Getting Mad (2001), states that the threat of anger is a threat to the soul. With all
the physiological symptoms, chemicalizations and irrationalities with which the various and collective authors
have defined and explained the anger experience, some case might be made for anger addiction and rage as a
type of demonic possession. Hasn’t everyone either used or heard the expression referring to someone with anger
related symptoms as, “battling with demons” or “I just wasn’t myself?”
What’s suggested here is not a case of old testament religion, witchcraft or voodoo, but perhaps a rather
fitting and apt analogy. If we were to refuse that either the anger or the irrational beliefs were truly a part of us,
but rather a foreign thing that was temporarily inhabiting us, how much easier would it be to effect the change?
Not to deny any aspects of responsibility, but merely to deny it as an intrinsic part of our makeup and to treat it
as we would any invading body. Perhaps that is what lies at the heart of religious based disciplines: a faith and
understanding of our true self as a pure, spiritual being. While some purport that this perfection is here and now
and others suppose it can only be achieved in the hereafter, the essence of longing remains the same. If a faith can
banish shame, self‐recrimination or other impediments to accepting change as a real and present possibility, as
well as speed and promote the healing process, then it should be tolerated, if not encouraged or embraced.
As ascetics, shamans, priests, prophets, seers, and devout men and women of all types and disciplines
devote their lives to understanding the mysteries, Divine consciousness, the will of God, selfless being and/or
whatever‐whomever the focus of their beliefs and worship, it is a foregone conclusion that the following synopsis
will fail to adequately or completely explain the approach of prayer, meditation and religious based disciplines.
However, as an increasing number of those in the physical and mental health profession acknowledge that faith
and prayer have a noticeable effect on health and recovery. Most popular literature on anger management
includes at least a passing reference to prayer or religion.
The approach of prayer and religion must be included, for the current surging interest in spirituality and
religion encompasses approximately sixty‐percent of the population, according to some polls. Entrenched and
accessible social care programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and others have traditionally included prayer (and
specifically Christianity) as a base in their counseling and treatments. Along with rising personal interests in
spirituality and religion, an overloaded social benefits system also drives more and more people to faith based
groups for counseling and help.
By far the most dominant of these approaches is, not surprisingly, Christian oriented. However, the
“Eastern” religious thought is also prevalent as it promotes inner peace, non‐violence and selflessness. To some
extent, Eastern religious thought, especially Buddhism, may be considered more practical by the Western mind.
The introduction of and eventual acceptance of “meditation” as opposed to “prayer” within popular culture has
come about through the exposure and exploration of non‐Christian religions among society. While meditation
has indeed been a forgotten historical aspect of Christian monks and holy men, it is only in fairly recent history
that it has become an accepted, openly discussed practice for the masses. This growing acceptance of meditation
as a practice is rightfully not limited to religion and, in fact, has almost as many forms as it has usages and
practitioners. Yet it is included here, generally, as 1) its roots derive from religious practice, and 2) almost every
meditative exercise, as relating to anger management, retains certain elements of the religious practice, especially
in its goal of reaching a state of calm and peaceful contemplation. So, while prayer can be meditative, meditation
is not necessarily prayer, per se.

Prayer
Prayer is the act of talking to God. The exact form of prayer can take many different shapes. Prayer can be
a plea for help (petition), an affirmation of God’s control and dominion over all things human, or an expression of
gratitude. Each of these types of prayer can provide comfort, support and strength to those yielding to a belief in
a higher, infinite power. The prayer of the plaintiff can be likened to a little child’s call for help. Feelings of
frustration and powerlessness are removed by the sense that we never had any real power of our own to begin
with, and that all is being guided, directed and shaped by the all powerful Father. An affirmation of God’s
dominion reinforces the conviction that the real decisions of importance in our lives involve the “how” and not
the “what” of human activity. An expression of gratitude both affirms our acknowledgment of the good we have
experienced as well as an earnest expectation to receive more.
Though each form of prayer has its purpose and place, it is important to recognize that each requires a
yielding of individual ego to something higher. Even purely psychological approaches with no religious basis
recognize that anger management can only come through a change of thought, which allows another perspective
to be considered. In the case of religious prayer, the thought basis moves from that of the self, the little ego, to that
of a child, reflection, servant or creation of one perfect Ego. In any event, sincere prayer accomplishes the goals of
superceding the “I” beliefs that make anger and rage possible.
The general belief behind Christian prayer is that we should emulate and follow the teachings and
leadings of Jesus, the Christ, by consciously communing with God. Jesus himself practiced much tolerance and
turning the other cheek during his ministry, reflecting the patience of a father who loves and forgives all. In
Matthew 18:22‐23, we read, “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I
forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven.”
(King James Version). This strikes to the heart of rage, but also opens the door for a great misunderstanding and
failure—especially when prayer is being used or considered in anger management—for the directive, alone and
without mature understanding, might lead to the levels of subdued anger spoken of previously; a subdued anger
that eventually becomes both lethal and explosive. “Passivity leads to extinction,” (Ellis, 1993). This extinction can
be correctly extrapolated to include the extinction of a proper sense of self and of insuring one’s own spiritual
survival. The mere recitation of words or an action taken without understanding is akin to asking grade school
children to solve a calculus problem. The basics are there, but practical understanding is beyond their reach. The
problem will certainly not be solved correctly.
Taken within the context of all of Christ’s teachings, the impetus for this directive is based in the
conviction that we are all of one brotherhood and that we should love our neighbors as ourselves. This correlates
to the secular views of anger management that insist that it is an insular, and therefore irrational, belief system
that provokes the primitive anger response. That is, an “I” self‐preservation system that sees others as the enemy
and threat to survival. A Christian theologian would argue that this is precisely the case, and that very “I” is a
false sense of self that must die for one to be born again in Christ (become conscious of the brotherhood of man
governed by God).
An interesting key to the effectiveness and compatibility of prayer in anger management treatment lies in
the concept of who or what God is. If God is metaphorically presented and accepted as a parent figure, then the
nature of one’s parent‐child experience may distinctly color that prayerful perception. Is God a benevolent loving
parent, infinitely patient and forgiving? Or is God a vengeful, “tough‐love” kind of parent? Many people believe
that God is a benevolent dictator, an enlightened despot who doles out rewards and punishment based on some
varying, unfathomable point system. This ideology is a mirror of the world they see around them; seemingly
uncaring bosses or corporations that reward some and ignore others, a constant stream of rules and directives to
follow without any clear‐cut understanding as to why.
Whatever sense of God is in place, it seems distinctly apparent that in order for prayer to be an effective
anger management asset, the nature of God must be assumed to be both compassionate and forgiving. Most faith‐
based programs premise their work on the belief that God is Love (1 John 4:8, 16), unconditional and all good.
However, if one’s client relies on his or her religious faith, it is necessary to understand the basis of that faith in
order to be alerted either to the potential support or antagonism likely to be encountered. As with the anger
addiction itself, if the core of the religious belief is conflicted or uncertain, or if the God of one’s faith bestows a
punishment/reward system, then there is the possibility of encountering a core spiritual belief that permits or
even necessitates the anger behavior.
As a final point, one should note that the broadly accepted “Lord’s Prayer” is familiar to all Christians,
and provides a point of entry for the practitioner as a particular religious article that has resonance with even the
secular world. The passage, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” illustrates the nature and
importance of forgiveness. While the Christian meditation might include reflection upon sins or transgressions
(such as anger) in prayerful petition to God, the concept of forgiveness, or at least acceptance and tolerance of
others, is cited by many as a key to overcoming anger. While we can assume responsibility for wrongdoing, we
can be comforted by the promise of forgiveness and acceptance by God. In emulation of Him, we hold the
potential to forgive others of real or perceived wrongs against us.
The importance of religion and prayer lies in the client’s acknowledging “wrong” thinking and action
while holding a promise of healing, forgiveness and redemption. If God is Love, all‐powerful, and all forgiving,
then even the bleakest human situations often become tolerable. And, far from having to rely on merely their own
strength, willpower or commitment, which has undoubtedly failed them in the past, they find assurance and
comfort in the belief that they might draw upon or petition a greater power of good. It is the prayer that
acknowledges God as the highest power that tends to promote healing and rehabilitation efforts.

Christian Science
As the only Christian religion whose mission, tenets and basis are specifically to heal through prayer,
Christian Science is herein given a brief synopsis of its own. (A few splinter groups, like Science of Mind, have
formed and evolved from former C.S. teachers, but they remain primarily based upon and proceeding from
Christian Science itself).
Christian Science was founded by Mary Baker Eddy, a woman who was healed solely through prayer
after physicians had given upon her. Thereafter, she devoted her life to discovering the “science” of metaphysical
healing, and to teaching and communicating her methods to the public. As there is a significant body of verifiable
healings on everything from tuberculosis and cancer to gunshot wounds attributed to Christian Science, some
legitimacy must be given its claims. Because of its specificity, some detail will follow.
Christian Science defines God in seven synonyms: Love, Soul, Spirit, Mind, Life, Truth, Principle. Because
the Bible attests that God is One, the great “I Am,” the only cause and effect, and All Good, Christian Science
prayer follows the track that there can therefore be nothing that is not spiritual. The material, human experience
that we accept as reality is merely the projection of a limited understanding that we accept as real, a “mesmerism”
that blinds us to our true spiritual being and existence. As our understanding increases, it is scientifically
impossible for our experience not to reflect these changes in our understanding.
Specific to anger management, if God is One, and that One is the only Mind, then the only thought that
really exists or has power is this Mind, which is All Good and All Love. This Love is a law, and indeed the only
Law. Man’s anger [and all ills] are described as a self‐delusion that he is or ever has been separate from this Good.
Man’s current state is merely a false concept of God. Man is described as the reflection of this Mind (which is also
Love, Life, etc…) and to be angry or to be in conflict is to essentially accept that God can be at war with
Himself/Herself, since we are all unique and individual reflections of that One. In the Christian Science
“textbook,” Science And Health With Key To The Scriptures (1910), Eddy writes, “The prayer that reforms the sinner
and heals the sick is an absolute faith that all things are possible to God, a spiritual understanding of Him, an
unselfed love.” A Christian Science prayer “treatment” might be as follows: “God is Love and God is Mind;
therefore, there can be no angry or hateful thoughts, no thoughts of self. God is the only “I,” and all is Love and
Love’s infinite manifestation. I am [You are] a reflection of that Mind, Love, and therefore I [You] and everyone
and everything is right now part of Mind’s action. I cannot think, see, hear, feel or experience anything unlike
Principle’s loving, ordered, compassionate, healing thoughts.” It is interesting to note that such prayer includes
affirmation and denial, a premise adopted by many psychological cognitive approaches that developed much
later than the late 1800’s when Eddy began to publish and work.
According to Christian Scientists, there is no matter or material condition to be healed, merely a change in
thought which moves us away from the mesmeric unreality and toward God, the only reality. This change in
thought appears to our limited sense as though a physical healing (including character transformation) has taken
place. To illustrate: to do a complicated mathematical problem and arrive at the wrong answer is not to assume
that the laws of mathematics are flawed. The laws exist, unchanged and perfect, and it is up to us to rely on the
laws to properly solve the problem. A wrong answer means simply a mistaken notion. By going back over the
problem and finding the point or points where an error occurs is all that is needed to correct the problem.
To further the analogy, a child who learns simple addition and the multiplication tables cannot be
expected to solve complex equations of trigonometry or calculus. The child is relying on the same law as the
“higher” mathematics, but their understanding of that law has not expanded sufficiently to include the dynamic
and broad scope of the prospects covered by those mathematical laws. Yet, as they study and practice availing
themselves of that same law, their ability to apply this law will deepen and expand.
The last one hundred pages of Science And Health (1910), by Eddy, are testimonials from those healed of
physical and emotional problems merely through reading the text, claiming an active transformation in their
belief system from reading the ideas discussed. It invoked a transformation in their being and perspective.

Meditation & Meditative Visualization
As mentioned before, the concept of meditation historically has religious connotations. The Encyclopedia
Brittanica states that meditation is, “private devotion or mental exercise consisting in any of innumerable
techniques of concentration, contemplation, and abstraction, regarded as conducive to heightened spiritual
awareness or somatic calm.” Webster says that to meditate is, “1) to focus one’s thoughts on; reflect or ponder
over, 2) to plan or project in the mind.” Specifically Buddhist meditation is, “…the practice of mental
concentration leading ultimately through a succession of stages to the final goal of spiritual freedom, nirvana.”
If we look at all these definitions it becomes obvious that meditation can be an invaluable tool in anger
management. The practice of focused contemplation and concentration develops discipline of thought, an
invaluable and necessary exercise in overcoming the primitive emotional chaos associated with fear, anger and
rage. Though meditation itself does not provide the “replacement thoughts” or new beliefs that need to be
adopted in order to override the anger reflex, its practice is an exercise that can help prepare the way for an easier
acceptance of those new thoughts and beliefs.
As a point of elucidation, the brain emits two distinct sets of “waves” in the waking state depending on
the type of mental activity. Beta waves are typical of daily waking hours when sensory input and reactive
stimulations are present. Alpha waves can be measured when the mind is in a calm, peaceful state. All people
manifest alpha wave activity while watching T.V. or in periods of great calm or peace, though the average person
experiences this only just before natural sleep. In fact, many who begin the practice of meditation find themselves
drifting into sleep automatically as the body literally has a “memory” or has become “programmed” to sleep
when that state of mental relaxation exists. For these people, that period is the only time when the beta waves
subside. However, meditation teaches the brain to function at “alpha” levels even during times of activity. The
function of meditation, then, is to exert a conscious influence to disregard emotional and sensory stimuli and
allow the brain to function in its most efficient alpha state.
Meditation may begin only to serve purely quietistic aims, calming the thought and elevating the sense of
peace and safety. Later, it may serve as the basis from which to engage the rational mind, detached from
emotional influences, and allow for a conscious “reprogramming” of the belief system. At its very least, a calm
sense of peace and safety is beneficial. With practice, one can return to this state more quickly and easily. The
combination of alpha waves and chemical changes in the body can produce, in effect, a certain state of bliss that is
its own reward. In Buddhism, meditation occupies a central place in its practice, and at its highest stages
becomes, “…the discipline of progressively increased introversion with the insight brought about by wisdom.”
(Encyclopedia Britannica). The connection between insight and wisdom is the goal of meditation. To look at events
and oneself objectively, or at least detached from negatively charged emotion is also the goal of successful anger
management. In a religious context, as with prayer, meditation is said to reduce that sense of insularity, the “I”
that manifests and is apparent in the beta wave patterns. Once we have quieted the clamoring of our own inner
dialog we can then begin to see and hear clearly as a part of the infinite oneness of the universe.
Meditation is specifically encouraged by many writers, (DeFoore 1991, Lee 1993, Ellis 1995, Cox, Brutner
& Stabb 2003) though some mention meditation in the same sense as visualization. Though actually two distinct
processes, the goal of this “meditative visualization” is the same. Visual meditation/visualization begins with
deep breathing and eyes closed. The subject is then asked to construct or recall a place, either imaginary or real,
where the subject feels totally safe and at peace. The goal here is to produce that place and association in thought
so that it can be recalled easily. Anyone who has actually practiced meditation will understand creating and
establishing a memory in thought that becomes comfortable and habitual in the body. The more this is practiced,
the stronger the link and association become. The use of an “imaginary” place is not discussed specifically or in
detail; however, by extrapolation one can determine several possibilities.
Many anger management patients have such an emotionally charged view of childhood or home settings
that the memory or scene is distorted and disturbing. Though this may be the case, be assured that there does
exist for such parties a very real picture of an “ideal.” It may not be perfectly formed, or the client may not be
adept at visualization, but this place exists for them in some form. Perhaps a real, but disturbed memory can be
“cleansed” mentally, and used for the visualization purpose. Third, everyone has a sense of things that do bring
peace, like cornfields, beaches, and clouds. By beginning with singular elements, the subject can build a more
detailed and complete visualization for themselves. In any case, the more specific and personal the nature of the
visualization, the greater the benefit.
Any of a number of devices can be used to invoke meditation. Monotonic chant, a sustained “om,” the
resonance of a brass bell… all or any can be used in accord with personal preference and discipline. Even when
not attempting meditation, such exercises, along with deep breathing, help to produce a quieted emotional state.
No attempt will be made to specifically present a “formula” for meditation, for it is varied and individual.
Numerous books or practitioners can be found for further explanation of the process. Our goal is merely to
summarize the potential benefits and why those benefits exist. As a general rule, though, meditations will include
the following, especially at the beginning level:
1) eyes closed, 2) deep, even breaths, 3) a device to center and focus awareness [usually a sound], 4) a
guide, in the form of a coach, prearranged thought process or internal chant designed to direct thinking
to a point of reflection, change and higher awareness.
The following is a specific “guided imagery” meditation (Nay, 1993).
Set a goal for the emotional experience. Be specific. Peace, calm, relaxation, safety, security, serenity—all
have different meanings to different people. Choose your goal with a word or word combination, and stay
focused on it.
Close your eyes remaining focused on your word or word combination and drift until a well‐formed
scene comes to mind. It may be a real scene from past experience or a creative impulse that you will adjust and
create. Work with it to establish it firmly as a relaxing image.
Establish the scene as vividly as possible, looking to establish its presence in all five senses; taste, feel,
smell, hearing and seeing. You may “float” or fall asleep if you are not used to the alpha experience. Be aware.
Grow, practice, continue to enhance the scene, and notice new specifics.
The practice of meditation has occurred worldwide since ancient times in a variety of contexts. The
spiritualization of religious experience in forms of meditation and mysticism assimilate and rework the existing
symbols and pictures of our own personal history. By entering a meditative state, we can deny or grant some
symbols a higher value or change their value and context altogether. By finding that place of emotional and
mental calm and learning to maintain it, we can place the objects or symbols of behaviors or emotions in the
center of focus to, ”reflect or ponder over.” (Webster) This will allow us to move on to Webster’s second meaning
of meditate, which is “to plan or project in the mind,” that is, to reorganize and reform our patterns of
unconscious reaction into a plan of conscious action.

Buddhism
Buddhism is included here (at the exclusion of others) for several reasons. Buddhism offers spiritual
lessons as a path to inner peace, but in a manner that is so casual to the Western/European sense of “religion” as
to escape many preconceived misunderstandings. Especially as Buddhism is “a path to enlightenment” through
pursuit of inner peace and contentment, it is almost an intrinsic “anger management religion.”
Buddhism essentially asks us to become conscious and aware of every movement, moment, thought and
action. This is a practice that needs to be, well…practiced. Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book, Anger (2001) writes, “In
order to be free from anger, we have to practice, whether we are Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, or Jewish.
We cannot ask the Buddha, Jesus, God, or Mohammed to take anger out of our hearts for us. There are concrete
instructions on how to transform the craving, anger, and confusion within us. If we follow these instructions and
learn to take good care of our suffering, we can help others to do the same.”
The practical, consciousness‐raising lessons are apparent in the following illustration. In the same book,
Hanh speaks of “consuming anger.” This concept is not just about anger that consumes, but that we are also
literally consuming anger through the food we eat. The given example is that of the chicken and eggs raised in
modern, large‐scale chicken farms. The chickens are continually captive inside, never allowed to walk or roam
free. In order to produce more eggs, the artificial lighting creates a shorter day‐night cycle so the chickens will
believe twenty‐four hours have passed. This situation creates so much frustration and anger among the chickens
that they peck each other, and farmers have taken to cutting their beaks off. The end result is food produced in
anger, and we then consume this anger.
Whatever your beliefs, there is no doubt that this information alone makes us conscious on some level of
how anger is in the food we eat. Being conscious, and choosing our food at the very least then precipitates
thoughtfulness about becoming a more benevolent and less harmful citizen of society. A nation struggling with
obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cholesterol and much more that, which can aggravate emotions and physical
chemistry, this alone can be seen as a very practical and helpful step with the side benefit of making us more
aware of ourselves in the moment.
Another point made by Hanh is that we need to “eat mindfully.” A simple lesson, it means to take
smaller bites, chew our food about fifty times before we swallow. In effect, the act of eating becomes a sort of
meditation. The net physical effect is better nutrition and less food consumption. The net emotional effect is that
of slowing down, cultivating gratitude for our food and true appreciation for flavors and textures. Again, these
qualities have been cited elsewhere as beneficial and needful to overcoming anger addictions.
Hanh does not confine himself to food, but also reflects on the anger we blithely consume through our
other senses, particularly through the media. As both the medical and mental health professions have pointed out
the importance and effect of diet and sensory input on stress and anger, the Buddhist teachings seem eminently
practical even if one attempts to divorce any spiritual import.
There are many “New Age” philosophies, mysticisms and metaphysical books that would similarly
operate from the premise that we are innately “whole” and “one” or “at harmony” with the universe. They are
too numerous to cover here. They are potentially helpful on an individual level, but they do not tend to have
large organizations supporting counseling or social work for the benefit of healing. That being the case, they
would be encountered on a case‐by‐case level, and individually assessed for their potential benefit in
complementing any anger management counseling program.

4. Behavioral Approaches
Every behavioral approach must include a cognitive element and vice versa. Behavior can’t be changed
without some element of cognition, realization or understanding. Certainly no amount of recognition or
understanding of a problem will evoke a change if there is not some consequent behavioral adjustment based
upon the cognition. The difference between behaviorists and cognists is most like the Method vs. Technique actor
training. One begins with the internal feeling and moves outward to physical manifestation (cognitive), and the
other (behavioral) begins by adjusting the behavior and then reflects on the feelings and emotions involved.
While many would initially argue for the cognitive approach, the point of fact is that the types of beliefs
involved in people with anger problems involves at least some impairment of the rational cognitive functions due
to the high level of emotions involved. Many, if not most, people benefit greatly from “doing” rather than simply
talking or reflecting, for they are often quite rational until the anger is triggered. The behavioral approach aims to
develop and establish behaviors in advance of an actual mastery of the emotions involved, and potentially before
the lengthy process of uncovering of deep‐seated beliefs.
Rational‐Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Dr. Albert Ellis founded the Institute for Rational‐Emotive
Therapy, which has branches around the world. He is probably the most widely written and widely respected in
the area of behavioral approaches to anger management. His Rational‐Emotive Therapy focuses more on the
behavioral aspects but manages to blend and integrate many techniques into his approach. He states there is no
single panacea or cure‐all. Most effective is working both individually and collaboratively with various methods
and philosophies.
The premise of REBT is that, “…by changing the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that underlie and
accompany your rage, you can greatly reduce it.” (Ellis, 1977). Though anger is agreed as necessary, we must
learn how to manage the anger—the internal—so that we can rationally and creatively act on the external causes
to create change. To do this, we must learn the ABC’s of REBT.
A: look for “A,” the Adversity or Activating Event that triggers the anger.
B: examine “B,” the Belief System in place.
C: locate “C,” the emotional/behavioral Consequences of your anger.

“A” the Adversity exerts on “C” the Consequences, but “B” the Belief System defines the parameters and
qualities of “C” the Consequences. We must look to the Adversity to determine if it is in fact a negative, hurtful
experience. It may be a matter of perspective. The Belief System is, in essence, the true defining factor of how the
Consequences evolve. According to Ellis, our Belief System (as it defines anger events) is either,
a) Rational—does not lead to destructiveness through anger/rage, but promotes constructive growth
b) Irrational—anger/rage ensues, usually marked by unequivocal imperatives like, “should,” “should
not,” “must/must not,” “can’t stand” as well as excessive emotionalisms like “horror,” “horrible,”
“terrible,” “awful,” etc… that fail to distinguish the difference between the action and the person,
essentially equating the person with “horror,” “terror” and the like.
REBT asserts that “horror” or “terror” can only truly be applied to something like the Holocaust, and that
even the casual and emotional assertions of these words or of the unequivocal imperatives suggests an
underlying and unyielding intolerance that is “irrational.” To use a vivid and current example: “B,” the Belief
System, is what would prompt one party to protest and negotiate terms and conditions while prompting another
to take a terrorist action.
Here’s a simple scenario to serve as an example. Assume that two people have an appointment for lunch,
David and James. David arrives on time or before. James is ten minutes late, and for those ten minutes, David is
stewing about the unfair, inconsiderate action James has taken. By the time James arrives, David is furious. He
“should not” have to put up with this behavior. He “can’t stand” people who are rude, and James is a “terrible”
or “horrible” person/client/friend/spouse. Now let’s look at the scene through the REBT lens.
Precisely because this is such a simple example we can look both at the event as well as behind the event
itself. It could just as easily have been a situation of being cut‐off by an inconsiderate driver, or treated rudely by
a clerk or any of dozens of simple things where we have all found ourselves filled with unaccountable and
extreme anger or rage.
A: The Activating Event was James’ late arrival. (Sometimes, when anger has been repressed repeatedly,
the Activating Event is merely a “trigger” for the eruption of anger, a flashpoint of a threshold much lowered
from a series of unmanaged anger events.)
C: The Emotional/Behavioral Consequences. At the very least, the appointment is ruined, and perhaps the
association, too. Most likely neither David nor James is feeling particularly calm or at ease. David has definitely
experienced the untoward, negative physical symptoms of anger and perhaps James has as well. There has been
no positive outcome.
B: The Belief System. Is this the first time James has been late, or is it a repeated offense? Do they know
each other well, or slightly? Though the answers might regulate the appropriate course of action, there is no
question that REBT considers this to be an Irrational Belief System. David has firstly failed to distinguish between
the person and the act, and secondly given an emotional equating of the act with “horror,” failing in rage to
maintain a rational distinction of true “horror” or “terror.”
REBT employs three primary techniques for correction. As expected, there must be a causal preliminary
and emotional distance from the event itself preliminarily. Eventually, the exercises may be performed in the
moment as one becomes more familiar with them and more alert to the onset of anger. They are; 1) Thinking Your
Way Out, 2) Feeling Your Way Out, and 3) Acting Your Way Out. First and foremost, you must agree and accept
that you have the ability to change your thinking.
“Thinking Your Way Out” means to use the debating and disputing techniques of asking yourself
questions. “Why is this ‘terrible?” “How is this ‘just too much?’” After all, these are just exaggerations, for we are
really never truly at that point. Also, we must accept fallibility in ourselves, and thus be able to see it in others.
This will help us to stop saying (or thinking) that others “should” or “must” act in a certain way. In a sense, we
must get rid of the concepts of bad or good: something is either Rational, Positive and Giving, or it is not. Finally
we must concentrate on ourselves and our own self‐reactions rather than on others or on external situations.
“Feeling Your Way Out” directs you to focus on the more emotional aspects of the anger problem. First,
you must work to accept yourself completely, with all the bad behaviors. (This assumes there is a recognition and
acceptance of behaviors that are negative, unproductive or destructive with a desire to eliminate these behaviors.)
This acceptance encourages you to feel more complete, as opposed to flawed or weak, and thus in control (as
opposed to being subject to, or a victim of uncontrollable behavior). This self acceptance encourages the natural
acceptance of others as they are, completely.
Second, REBT encourages you to really push yourself, in a controlled situation to feel the “complete
anger” that you experience, and then push yourself equally as hard to feel it only as a “keen disappointment” and
“irritation.” Note that this is different from and is expressly not expressing anger, only feeling it. You are
encouraged to repeat this process again and again until the feelings are recognizable and different. This practice
sets up an ability for the anger patient to 1) recognize the symptoms and signs of anger, 2) to differentiate the
difference between an “anger” event and keen disappointment, and 3) to be able to emotionally move oneself
from one to the other, thereby establishing a physical control over the emotional feeling as opposed to being
controlled by it. This technique is not unlike that used by “method” actors, who, through practice, are able to
conjure very realistic emotional experiences through an imaginative, physical exercise. Michael Checkhov,
Constantin Stanislavski and others who discovered and promoted the Method Acting technique found that the
physical body can store and reproduce a sense memory and emotional feelings that can be consciously recalled
for an actor’s use. The REBT technique works to establish this conscious control over such “sense feelings.”
In conjunction with “Feeling Your Way Out,” Ellis encourages use of Gestalt therapy or supervised role
playing to re‐enact and play out the scenario without the emotionally charged tension of the original situation.
The subject can then practice making behavior/response changes in the course of the anger event. Also, the
subject may choose to watch others re‐enact the scenario to learn from choices and changes they may make in the
situation. The cautionary note, again, is that the physical expression of anger itself will only serve to confirm the
irrational response and reinforce the neural conditioning in the body and mind that the subject is attempting to
eradicate.
The third principle technique is called “Acting Your Way Out,” and is probably the most difficult to
comprehend without being coached through the actual practice. Also, it is recommended either for a more
advanced (rational and “in‐control”) student, or for those already exhibiting a good deal of self‐awareness and
control of the anger expression.
“Acting Your Way Out,” in Ellis’ terms, is almost inevitably tied to deep emotional issues of shame or
inferiority tied to and/or stemming from long‐term, usually childhood, situations. For instance, a person may
have been treated unfairly in a situation for a long period of time as a child. At some point the individual
determines, usually through comparison of behaviors by other people in an outside situation, that “they must not
treat me unfairly” and lashes out. Over a period of time this “practiced” behavior becomes a belief, and the
individual begins to automatically assume a philosophy that they must only be treated fairly by others. This
becomes an immediate, reflexive and habitual response.
In REBT, the irrationality is reflected by the “must” or “should” attitude. Rationally we can understand
that of course we are not always dealt with fairly. However, we can usually assume that people try their best, as
they have no real motive for doing otherwise. Not only is this “must” or “should” irrationality operating, but also
in play is the fact that this type of belief system plays a defining role in shaping our attitude going into any
situation, and thereby will almost certainly be triggered.
The rational approach would assume (as stated) that we usually are treated fairly, or at least there is no
personal intent behind most incidental unfair treatment. Therefore, “Acting Your Way Out” would be to
consciously adopt this attitude and, no matter what feelings evolve, to “Act” out a scenario of rational behavior in
everyday life. In adopting an “I want to do well and will try my best” attitude, the individual avoids all the
“shoulds” and “musts” of their own and others’ behavior. Again, this is easier coached and practiced than
explained, but the basic premise is to determine how you are going to act, and literally be an actor if you have to,
setting the emotions and challenges aside for review at a calmer point.
Ellis likens this approach to playing tennis. One persists by practicing, by forcing oneself, in spite of
frustrations and attitudes, to continue to practice instead of quitting or adopting a self‐deprecating attitude. In
fact, using a metaphor of tennis or some other non‐emotional activity as an overlay to examine and plan actions
can be quite helpful.
All of the exercises are primarily directed at specific interpersonal relationships. Their advantage is that
they encourage maintaining the relationships while “…continuing to work to change ideas about people while
you contrive to participate with them,” according to Ellis.
Ellis also encourages that the subject practice self‐reward and self‐penalty in the practice of the new
behaviors. Predetermined rewards such as a movie, dessert or some other are self‐rewarded for success and
withheld for penalty. For all three exercises, the following is advised:
To take specific risks (targeted to the beliefs being challenged)
To risk rejection by asking for something
To risk saying “No” or refusing something
To do something ridiculous or even “shameful” in public
To deliberately fail at an important task, or act as though you had
These advisements should be put into proper context of the individual and the particular belief being
challenged. Most are centered on Ellis’ premise that the causes of anger are rooted deeply in childhood, and
principally a factor of the extreme “should” or “must” belief system. Thus, to intentionally strike out during a
company softball game is a great step for someone who “must” always be the best athlete, or “must never” fail.
Or to tell a joke in mixed company can be equally freeing to one who “should” always be professional. These are
the sorts of things that Ellis uses as scenarios for the individual to practice. Each must be carefully targeted to the
specific belief system being challenged.
Finally, Ellis offers the following questions as a means of self‐determination, to be used frequently
throughout the process in order to identify irrational belief systems and dismantle them.
1) What irrational belief do I want to dispute and surrender?
2) Can I rationally support this belief?
3) What is the evidence for the falseness of this belief?
These and similar questions can be used for bringing irrational beliefs to light and systematically
challenging and changing them. Additional activities include using silly songs to disrupt the reflexive anger
process. As one becomes aware of a certain behavior, songs poking fun at the beliefs can be used. Examples:
(sung to the tune of the Whiffenpoof Song): “I cannot have all my wishes filled. Whine…whine…whine.” (Under
the Sea) “Look at me, getting angry. But I know better, I won’t let it get the better of me.” (Smile, Smile, Smile)
“Look at my anger trying to trick me so I’ll Smile, Smile, Smile.” The subject’s participation in writing these songs
is valuable threefold: first, it means there is self recognition of the belief system; second, it allows the subject to
take an active analytical part in dismantling his or her own reflexive and irrational beliefs; and third, it provides a
valuable and useful behavior that both overcomes the reflexive anger through substitution and offers opportunity
for reflection as it is being used. The effect and feeling is, of course, silly. And that is the point. Most anger‐
addicted people have difficulty poking fun at themselves, and the songs pretty effectively override any posturing
or pretense.

Other Behavioral Approaches
The following are considered “anger intensifiers.” (Nay, 1993) Multiple authors cite them as fairly
controllable elements in our lives that increase the potential for anger, but which can be eliminated or modified
through conscious choices of behavior.
1. Sleep Deprivation. Sleep deprivation has long been used as a tool of torture because of the deleterious
effect on rational mental function. A normal adult should average 8 hours of sleep per 24 hour cycle.
Despite individual protestations otherwise, this finding has been reinforced time and again in clinical
studies. Behavioral components that may affect sleep are; lack of exercise, excessive alcohol or use of
medicine or drugs, inconsistent schedule, poor sleep habits, and medical conditions (such as sleep apnea).
2. Stress. Be aware of high stress situations. Excessive noise, stimulus and crowding—even in situations
that we think are “enjoyable” or “relaxing” like clubs or sporting events—produce the physiological
changes that set up anger reflexes. Too many tasks, unrealistic deadlines or significant life changes also
produce stress. Even things we would consider pleasurable or relaxing, like vacations or family events,
produce stress.
3. Substances. Caffeine, alcohol and drugs significantly alter our body chemistry and have the effect of
amplifying or suppressing different parts of the brain, different emotional centers, effectively making the
end result completely unreliable. While illegal drugs definitely alter our ability to think clearly, and many
are specifically linked to aggression, even over the counter cold remedies can elevate tension. Check all
prescription drugs for side‐effects. Anything that says it is not suitable for people with high blood
pressure or hypertension is going to have an effect on your own tension.
4. Sickness. Pain and discomfort increase emotional arousal and reduce resilience because the body’s
resources and energy is focused on fighting illness. All our mechanisms are reduced from levels of
normal functioning, making us very susceptible to subtle changes in emotion and the physiological
chemical changes that emotions bring. Everyone is quite aware of becoming irrational during sickness.
5. Lack Of Sustenance. Blood sugar levels rising and falling have significant effects on our moods and
processing capabilities as well as on our physical health. Fatty foods, junk foods, processed foods…all
have, either intrinsically or through manufacturing, chemicals that can significantly alter our own
internal chemical balance.
As indicated, each of these “intensifiers” can be managed with some conscious choices that will minimize their
impact and their ability to effect our behavior.

Keeping A Journal
Journalizing thoughts and emotions is referred to by many as an important tool in anger management.
(Schiraldi & Kerr, Ellis, Jones.) Unlike “venting,” where the verbal and physical expressions anger tend to elevate
the anger feelings themselves, the process of writing is a behavior that requires a rational involvement in order to
perform the action, i.e., the very action of the writing process has a tendency to disengage and disrupt the
emotional anger reflex. Moreover, by getting “out of the head” and onto the paper, the anger management client
has the opportunity to review thoughts for analysis and signs of growth, or to share these writings with a mental
health practitioner or anger management counselor for review and discussion. In such cases of sharing, an
important element is to maintain the attitude of encouraging the client to bring a rational or alternate perspective
to one’s own thoughts in a dispassionate way.
As a form of both journalizing and reducing stress, Jones, in Overcoming Anger (2004), offers the very
practical advice of making lists to help prioritize critical tasks and differentiate the critical from non‐critical tasks.
Jones suggests an organization of tasks into the following, updated frequently:
1. Critical things. Things that must be done immediately in order to forego serious consequences.
2. Soon to be Critical Things. Not yet in category #1, but of a nature that they will become so if not soon
dealt with.
3. Normal things. Items like monthly bill paying, cleaning, that may eventually end up in #2.
4. Unimportant things. Items that will never become critical.
Though the simplicity of this list almost invites dismissal, to those suffering from anger problems the day‐to‐
day functioning within an arena of multitasking environments can be a critical factor in elevating stress and
invoking the anger reflex. Like journaling, getting items on paper metaphorically gets them “out of us,” or “out of
our head” which, in the case of a person struggling with anger, relieves some of the pressure in a mind cluttered
with irrational emotions. A particular side benefit is that it may help to differentiate (for the patient) any
confusion about wants or desires, separating and clarifying our own wants and desires from the expectations of
others, as well as removing non‐critical items from a stressful mental pressure of things that need to be
accomplished.

Be Aware Or Become Aware Of Your Body
Learn to scan your body for signs of tension and stress. Clenched jaw, grinding teeth, furrowed brow, tight
muscles, shallow breathing, pulse rate…all may be indicators of stress and tension that helps to provoke anger.
Becoming aware of these may help alert you to something you’re not consciously aware of. Yoga, massage,
breathing exercises, meditation, walking and regular exercise are also great helps that should, in some degree or
combination, be incorporated into a daily pattern of living. A few simple relaxation techniques are outlined
below.
1. Lie flat on your back on the floor. No pillows. “Scan” your body. Where does it touch the floor? Where
doesn’t it touch the floor? Are your feet rolling out or pointing straight up? Begin at your toes and slowly
work your way up to the top of your scalp. Notice every change in feeling, in breathing. It’s not
uncommon for very stressed or tense people to fall asleep initially while practicing this. Once you get
comfortable with scanning, you can begin to concentrate on those places where you feel tension. If you
can, mentally picture the muscle relaxing as you exhale. This exercise takes one into the “alpha” state
where the brain operates most efficiently.
2. Dynamic Tension. This is not the secret success of Charles Atlas as promoted in the comic books of the
50’s and 60’s, though the technique is similar. Place your palms together in front of your chest and push
your hands together. Then release. Do this several times, noticing the changes in the feeling of the
muscles. Become aware of when the shoulders are tight and work to consciously release them to the more
relaxed state experienced after the tension exercise. Do the same thing with your jaw, clenching and
squeezing, then releasing. Squeeze your shoulders up towards your ears; hold, then let go.
In each case, try to pay attention to your breathing, deepening and slowing it when possible. Our breathing is
usually the first element to be affected by stress or tension, reducing our flow of oxygen, which in turn reduces
our circulation and leads to muscle tension.

Choose A Talisman
A talisman could be a rock, a small figurine or sculpture…anything that can fit in your pocket and serve
as a “reminder” of who you really are and what you choose to be. The object is unimportant, but it should be
infused with significance by what you choose to invest in its meaning. In public or private situations, the
“talisman” can serve as a constant companion that provides a certain focus and reassurance while being discreet.

Active Listening
The idea of “active” listening, also called “total,” “complete” or “whole body” listening is espoused by
several authors (Hanh, 2001; Hightower, 2002; Lerner, 1985) The concept and exercise is one often used in
relationship therapy, but has elements helpful to any situation, specifically anger management counseling.
Listening with your whole self means, essentially, to turn off your inner thought responses while the
other person is talking and to concentrate on the communication being delivered; the words, tone, body
language, and other aspects of non‐verbal communication. The rationale involved is multi‐faceted. Just as two
objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, neither can one hold two thoughts simultaneously. If we
are engaging in an active thought dialogue while someone is communicating to us, we are not entirely receiving
the communication on a conscious level. As the whole object of anger management is to engage the conscious,
rational mind in order to avoid allowing suppositional, emotionally charged thoughts to color the situation,
active listening forces an insistence on staying in the present moment. Chances are more than very good that
what we are receiving is not actually what we are reacting to.
Also, by active listening we are disrupting previously established patterns. Not only does this inhibit and
prevent the anger reflex from engaging, but it “forges a new track” so to speak. Each effort and accomplishment
makes it easier to disengage the self‐thoughts that are nothing more than essentially a re‐forging of the present
experience into the re‐playing of another moment in another place and time. It is, at its core, a fantasy.
Lastly, our active listening promotes effective listening, building compassion and empathy. If our
thought remains centered on what the other person is saying in all ways, then we can become focused on
responding to them in the most appropriate way. For instance, even when criticism or anger is being expressed,
we can watch for, listen and discern the true value of the other person’s need. Active listening disengages the
selfish responses and allows us to be alert for the other person’s expression of frustration and hurt. This gives us
the ability to reach across any semantic or language barrier. Even if we are the supposed cause and or source of
whatever has provoked the criticism, hurt, anger, fear or upset, we are practicing ministration and comfort which
serves both ourselves and the other party(ies). Hightower, in Anger Busting 101 (2002), gives some practical tools
to effect this.

Observation
In addition to the types of observation noted elsewhere in this course, practicing observation of others,
(and especially children) offers us many opportunities to raise our conscious awareness of behavior. Children in
particular are very good at “telegraphing” their needs and attempting to get them in rather unsubtle ways. Their
tone of voice, body language and tactics all are imitations of what they have seen and learned. They are, as yet,
awkward and transparent enough to provide some obvious clues and insights into our own behavior. Children
are, at least while in the toddler and pre‐school level, very apparent when they are practicing such tactics.
Relating more to child studies rather than anger, Fessbach, in Anger Management, (1963), provided
interesting observations of a child’s imitative behaviors. This form of observation can be extremely insightful,
especially as the behavior has not yet been integrated into personality or subverted into the unconscious levels of
reactive anger reflex. While the compassion, sensitivity and empathy of children appears to be a natural and
spontaneous event, anger and aggressive behaviors have to be learned. In The Transforming Power of Anger (1991),
Freeman relates the studies of Dr. Rene Spitz and Dr. Grotjahn regarding importance of smiling to overall health
and development of babies. Grotjahn states, “The little faces of babies who do not smile because they live without
hope and faith convey more breath‐taking tragedy than the human eye wishes to behold. All of these infants
seem to express the intent to murder if given strength and the opportunity.”
While this observation is subjective, the follow‐up studies are not. Many of the “never‐smiling” babies
who had lost their mothers either developed a schizophrenic psychosis later in life or simply gave up and died in
the hospital. Their facial expressions had been correctly interpreted by the observers; their fate was accurately
predicted. While not everyone has lost their mother in the literal sense, perhaps something of losing that security
and sense of mother love plays a role in establishing the anger defense, even if the mother is simply neglectful or
too busy all the time.
Observation is meant to be discreet, especially when observing adults, and should be more like practiced
awareness of people rather than strict “observation.” Through it we can rekindle our own sensitivity and insight
into our own unthinking responses and reactions that we take as an unpredictable “given.”

5. Cognitive Approaches
The cognitive approach is where the veritable potpourri of pop and psuedo‐psychology dwells. Everyone
with a personal answer, insight or realization is free to pass along that information in hope of helping others.
There is little substantive change in “approaches” from various sources, as all essentially come down to offering
insights and rationales to explain the possible problem or source of the problem itself. The best of these sources
offer some possible courses of action (behavioral strategies), though it mostly remains fixed in the level of thought
and reasoning. While it is true that a problem discovered is two‐thirds defeated, it is the last third of making
serious changes that is essential, for it is the very skill that is lacking in the anger management patient.
Nevertheless, the cognitive approach can be quite effective, particularly with subjects demonstrating the
willingness to delve deep and examine their thinking with an open thought and a willingness to change.
Most cognitive approaches take the form of question and answer, easily adaptable to journaling, self help,
and work with a counselor or mental health professional. To “cognize” (recognize or become aware of) the anger
belief, one must first accept that he/she is angry. The film Anger Management with Ben Stiller and Jack Nicholson
portrays the situation of a man who has suppressed his anger so much that he is no longer aware of being angry.
He is also incapable of making a commitment, decisions or standing up for himself. His denial of his anger has
seeped into all areas of his life and caused him to suppress all emotion in fear of erupting. The tragedy (portrayed
comically) is that the expert spends the entire film just trying to make the subject aware of his own anger. While
anyone seeking help for anger management must be undoubtedly aware of their anger at some level, the
interesting point is the portrayal of potential “side effects” that a client may or may not want to look at in their
own life.
For those who aren’t sure whether or not they have an anger problem, Bill DeFoore, Ph.D. offers some
indicators in Anger, Deal With It, Heal With It, Stop It From Killing You (1991).
1. When you get angry, you don’t get over it. Anger either simmers until it explodes, or continues even after
the explosion, fueling justification, blaming and seething anger inside.
2. You never get angry. You just don’t seem to have the emotion, even when you know you should be angry.
3. You feel frustrated, disappointed or irritable much of the time.
4. You are sarcastic or cynical about yourself, others or the world around you. Your teasing may be barbs in
the form of “jokes,” and you may not understand when others “don’t get” your humor or “can’t take a
joke.”
5. You may be depressed frequently and for long periods of time. (This is an indication of not expressing
anger openly, but taking it out on yourself.) Suicidal thoughts, frequent illnesses or self‐destructive
behavior can accompany your depression.
6. You feel angry all the time and find yourself lashing out verbally, emotionally or even physically at
others, even when you don’t want to or mean to.
7. You feel powerless in your own life and powerless to make changes or reach goals. Even if you don’t use
the word “victim,” it is how you often feel. Usually you have very reasonable explanations as to why you
can’t succeed or accomplish your goals, hopes and dreams.
While none of these is considered an ironclad guarantee of an anger problem (with the exception of number six),
a “yes” or even a conditional “yes” to any of them would suggest at least exploring your relationship with anger.
Most mental health specialists, subscribe to the Frequency, Intensity, and Duration gauge to determine
anger problems. There is no set formula given, however, and the only universal overlay appears to be whether or
not the anger is disruptive or interfering with “normal” activity of self or others to whom the anger is expressed.
For instance, a job suspension or firing or canceling of normal social engagements would certainly indicate a
problem. For spouses, family members or others, the emotional reaction to excessive anger might be depression,
anxiety, bed‐wetting (in children) or similar problems.
While frequency is not specifically defined, authors agree that daily, weekly or even monthly
“explosions” would indicate a problem. Note that each component is interrelated, and if the frequency is only
twice a year, but involves hours‐long rages with destruction and abuse, then the indication is that the anger is
present much more frequently and only expressed at distant intervals when it has built into uncontrollable
proportions. Conversely, a very frequent disruption of a few times a week involving thirty seconds of intense
anger over a trivial matter such as waiting in line or misplacing car‐keys is akin to a boiler releasing just enough
steam to keep from exploding. Certainly, Frequency/Intensity/Duration is a judgment based on its effect on the
person and those around him/her. Used in context with DeFoore’s seven questions, a fairly accurate picture
should emerge.
Any effective cognitive program must 1) identify the true sources of anger, and 2) change the pattern
(thinking or belief) from which anger springs. Note the emphasis on the true sources of anger. Usually the actual
expressions of anger manifest over issues or relationships that are serving merely as symbols or surrogates and in
some way touch upon the true sources of anger. In The Dance of Anger (1985), Lerner states, “The challenge of
anger is at the heart of our struggle to achieve intimacy, self‐esteem and joy.” This interesting assertion would
suggest that right at the heart of the anger reflex lies not only the belief that needs to be reformed, but also the
desire for reforming it. If our desire is intimacy, joy, and self‐esteem, it is the anger that has risen to protect those
qualities, and in defense of those qualities as a means of self‐preservation, and it is also anger that prevents us
from actually attaining those qualities or conditions in our lives.
So to identify the true sources of anger, we must usually start with “what” we are angry at and work
from there. “Is this anger legitimate? Is this anger meaningful? Do I have a right to be angry?” After a careful look
at each of these questions and a truthful contemplation of their answers, one may be ready to discern, “What am I
really angry about?” An argument issue that begins with, “Who shall we spend the holidays with?” may in fact
be an issue about “Who is in control?” or “Who loves enough to give in to the other?” or “Who is stronger?”
Without a doubt, it is mostly these psuedo‐issues that will first appear as the subjects begin to cognize their anger
feelings.
It is important to realize that anger, as a protective device that has been strongly reinforced over a long
period of time, wants to be left alone. It does not want to be looked at. Whether defined as a mistaken belief of a
spiritual misapprehension or something else, it is a belief that was put in place to protect, however mistakenly, a
person’s sense of themselves. It offers security, safety and protection of sorts, and usually will not yield willingly.
One must concede, especially within the cognizant model, that there is a risk of uncovering some very real
trauma or psychological disturbances that are best left in the hands of a mental health professional. No fewer than
six of the bibliographical references contain a cautionary note at some point about the potential for uncovering
trauma and unleashing extreme emotional memories. Acupressurists and acupuncturists operate somewhat on
the same principle of alternative blocking or releasing energy fields to either free or disperse energy patterns. An
unconscious or unexpected “stumbling onto” a previously blocked memory can release a wave of energy as the
senses tend to respond to the information the brain is giving as though the event is actually occurring. Here are a
few possible reactions.
1. Nausea and possible vomiting. It may be both a reaction to the memory event as well as a symbolic
purging of emotion.
2. Dissociation from current reality and possibly from current identity. Depending on the type and level of
trauma, the individual may temporarily retreat from themselves and the world around them, become
confused, frightened or non‐responsive in general.
3. Self‐destructive thought and behavior. Especially prevalent with victims of extreme physical or sexual
abuse.
4. Paralysis in fear. This occurs when the uncovery frightens the subject into emotional retreat.
Numbers two and three can be extremely serious, and require the delicacy and training of a mental health
professional. For the most part, these situations can be avoided if the anger management clients are screened to
prevent anyone with a known history of personality disorder or of physical/sexual abuse from entering an “anger
management program.” Anger linked to those types of traumas and events require a level of therapy beyond that
of the skills outlined in anger management treatment practices.
The following points of inquiry and observation can be used as a self question and answer exercise or
adapted for discussion and exercise with a counselor:
Observe, Discern Patterns, Gather Data. Observe your relationships and your patterns of anger
management (however ineffectual they are). Do you start with silence? With accusation? Are there tears and
yelling? Clarify the patterns of the relationship dynamics of your anger problems. Be aware and beware of
accusing or self‐justifying. Gather data from this objectified research. Look at the outcomes of your choices and
actions and determine whether or not they are effective or satisfying to you.
Honestly Assess Your Goals. Is your intention to “win” or to “gain control?” Or do you have the courage
to allow everyone their freedom of choice? Do you have the courage to live with the consequences? This
particular item is cited frequently in cases of spousal anger, and often at its base is an abandonment issue. Even
bosses or children who try to exert an excessive amount of influence on others’ decisions usually have fears and
concerns about being left out, left behind, abandoned or somehow cut off from others.
Inquiry. We should ask questions of other people to gain additional perspectives on the situation, and to
compare these findings against our own feelings. Serious inquiry involves staying open and listening, no matter
what we discover. If necessary, we can make agreements with ourselves to only ask the question and to record
whatever information we receive, without engaging in conversation that might lead us to argue our own point of
view or justification. The value of inquiry is that things may not be as they seem, or as we perceive them to be.
We may be misperceiving, misinterpreting or simply not considering alternative possibilities about particular
situations.
Practice Unconditional Acceptance. Ellis in Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings and Behaviors, (2001)
proposes that the literal “practice” of unconditional self‐acceptance and the acceptance of others is key to
overcoming much of what ails us emotionally. It is the conditional acceptance of ourselves and others, Ellis
asserts, that leads to potentially damaging and at least non‐productive behaviors. If our acceptance of ourselves is
conditional to a certain body weight, a certain income, a certain career, then we have created a scenario for
potential anger feelings and destructive behaviors like aggressive workaholism and other self‐destructive
behaviors. If we have a certain conditional expectation of a relationship, we have limited both ourselves, and our
partner in the free expression of discovery. In a workplace environment such expectations and conditions
inevitably lead to anxiety producing stress or excessive, controlling behaviors.
The “practicing” of developing such unconditional acceptance seems to be based, essentially, on
gratitude; gratitude for the day, for what we have, for our health, our partner, employment, family, capabilities…
Whatever degree these things manifest for ourselves, the goal is to practice gratitude for these things in whatever
state we find them. Certainly, one can work to improve any of the conditions or qualities of our lives, but to yearn
for what isn’t present in the moment leads us out of the gratitude and acknowledgment of what “is” in the
moment. A metaphor is that of a carpenter without a particular size screwdriver who neglects and agonizes in
lament over the proper tool, when another may work effectively, if not the most efficiently.
Communication and Discovery. Communication always helps to de‐escalate potentially volatile
situations. (Note that this refers to true communication, and not to mere “talking” which can lead to aggravation,
yelling and anger.) Communication also leads to discovery (as in Inquiry, above) as well as understanding and
eventual repair and reconciliation of damaged relationships. Communication helps to eliminate hidden
expectations that we have of ourselves, others or situations, avoiding misunderstandings that might trigger
anger. The Discovery component is a key to self‐reflective cognizance. Do we shut out or shut down certain types
of communications with our anger? For instance, when a particular topic or issue comes up, is it inevitably one
that leads to discomfort or becomes an explosive issue? Rationally, we should accept that anything we are
unwilling or uncomfortable in talking about is a clue that it is precisely the thing we should be examining, for if
we are shutting out communication with our anger, either by yelling, raging or ignoring certain communications,
then there is something in our unconscious mind that does not want exposure to “the light of reason and rational
thinking.”
Take Responsibility. Make sure you are responsible, and accepting responsibility for your own words
and actions. Blaming others, asserting that our actions and words are “out of our control” or justifying our words
and actions as part of a cause and effect scenario are all ways of avoiding responsibility.
Stay on track. Once aware of the pitfalls and triggers, don’t allow mistakes to derail you. Avoid the
patterns that provoke habitual anger problems by staying in the here and now instead of fantasizing over past or
future “what if” scenarios that give the emotionally volatile thoughts a chance to engage you. Give yourself
constant messages that you do have the skills to manage and maintain your conscious equilibrium.
Use “I” messages vs. “You” messages. “You always do such and such,” or “You’re ‘this’ or ‘that.’” The
use of “I” messages in communications helps to reaffirm our part and responsibility in a situation, and actually
affords us a greater measure of control over ourselves. For instance, begin with, “I start feeling upset when
you…” This enforces to ourselves that we are responsible for these feelings and that we play a part in the scenario;
we’re not merely helpless victims in someone else’s play. The “I” message not only promotes responsibility, but
also limits or eliminates the opportunity for defensive or accusatory statements that might escalate a conflict. The
“I” message does not accuse, although it asserts a viewpoint and allows for a response. Most importantly, “I”
messages offer an opportunity to break patterns of behavior especially in relationships which are often reduced to
me vs. you mentality.
Assess your expectations. Nay, Taking Charge of Anger (1993), asserts that our anger is unique to each
individual, and triggered by what we have been taught from our childhood about what to expect from the world
and other individuals. When expectations are not met, we experience anger. What is important and what isn’t
differs in degree from individual to individual. If we can de‐emotionalize our expectations and objectively look at
these expectations, we are then able to assess them in a rational way and thus reduce their ability to trigger an
anger reflex. While one person’s standards might seem too rigid, another’s might seem too lax. It is important to
remember that such things are usually as deeply ingrained as our own beliefs…and often, just as unconscious. It
is best to remember that as foreign as certain philosophies, ideals, religious beliefs or goals are to us, ours may be
as equally incomprehensible to them, but neither is intrinsically “wrong.”
As we review our expectations, we must target those that we wish to edit or discard as unrealistic. For
those we wish to retain, and which have strong and emotional importance to us—as in the case of manners,
politics, religion and such—we should then add a level of mental preparedness to make us more resilient and
controlled when confronted by a situation. Before setting and defining these expectations, ask yourself the
following questions:
1. Is this particular expectation so important? Why? “Just because it is” or “Everyone agrees that it is” is
the type of answer that should point you toward more reflective thinking about “Why?”
2. Review your past experiences with this expectation and evaluate the outcome.
3. Is this expectation worth the upset to yourself and others? Perhaps some are, in the case of a moral
argument like physical abuse or respect, but the question would then become, “What degree of upset
is acceptable and appropriate?”
4. Can you prepare or modify your reaction into a response that does not trigger anger? For instance,
you know that X will eventually or at some point happen, and that X will make you angry. What will
you do?
5. Prepare for both success and failure. Both success and failure have a price. Remember that you and
others pay a high price for your expectations. How you plan to deal with the success or failure of
your expectations is almost as important as the expectation itself.

Unraveling The Web, Cognizing Your Needs
In Overcoming Anger (2004) Jones suggests that rather than mere exercises and affirmations, it is essential
that we “unravel the web of our angst” by searching for the hidden needs that drive us to our anger behaviors.
After an anger incident, we should sit down and ask ourselves the following:
“What need was I trying to meet?” Go beyond the obvious and search yourself. “What perceived pain or
hurt influenced my behavior?” “What beliefs influenced my behavior?” “Can I accept the outcome, learn and
move on?”
The approach here is predicated on the idea that we create our own experience, we have the reality we
are looking for. If a particular situation keeps happening such as explosive anger, it is because we have some
hidden need that is not being addressed or fulfilled in a logical and productive way. This point of reasoning can
be especially fruitful for all parties who find themselves facing anger challenges, including the spouse and family
as well as the anger addict. In so much as everyone can be encouraged to take as much responsibility as they can
for their own experience, it benefits both the anger addict as well as helping to insure that the “victim” aspect of
anger is minimized.
Nature vs. Nurture
What do you believe you’re stuck with? And what do you believe you can change? Making a list of
parents, relatives, childhood situations, and breaking them into two categories, Nature and Nurture, might reveal
some misplaced beliefs that we’re holding to. For example, a father’s intolerance for clutter does not pass through
the DNA and make us an obsessive compulsive personality. Simply recognizing that some things we accept about
ourselves are actually learned behaviors open the door to making productive and constructive changes.
Writing Your Own Story
This exercise encourages writing your own anger story. When did you first become angry? At whom?
And why? What have been the circumstances of your anger up until now? With whom and how do you generally
express it? How long does it last? How does it feel? Has anger been an asset or a liability in your life? The
purpose of the exercise is to first encourage the subject to pursue the topic in as much detail and as thoroughly as
possible. It can take the form of a narrative or a first person story. Then, the subject has an “objectified” story that
is, assessed and analyzed. Does it make the subject uneasy or anxious, sad, or possibly angry? No matter the
reaction, it offers an actual “thing” that can be looked at and talked about while allowing the subject to maintain
some distance. The writer may even be surprised by his or her own story or stumble upon patterns and
realizations simply through the objectivity of the exercise.
From there, it becomes possible for the subject to edit or “rewrite” the story, focusing entirely on altering
their own role in the events of the story, thereby creating a guideline for future action.
Post Your Commitment
As with any kind of writing, committing thoughts to paper tend to make them more tangible. Whatever
your approach, whether challenging a belief, committing to a particular goal, working on an affirmation, write it
on a card or Post‐It Note. Place it on your bathroom mirror, on your desk, in your pocket…wherever you will be
constantly reminded.

6. Mnemonic Techniques
These approaches fall properly into the category of cognitive and behavioral methods. However, they are
separated distinctly here to distinguish them as a tool. Neither is described in great detail, as they possess the
attributes of several methods already discussed. Their power is in the Mnemonic Device itself, which is simple,
easy and many people find it remarkably effective for that reason. The only caution with these approaches is that
they may disrupt the reflexive anger behavior pattern, but require additional cognitive work to challenge the
underlying belief system.
The beauty of a Mnemonic Device is that it becomes both the behavioral and the cognitive practice. The
downside is that it cannot be used effectively and completely by itself, unless the anger management client is
already fairly progressed, dedicated or astute. Certainly, the more severe cases require an intensive level of
coaching to break through the irrational justifications that incite the anger. Because of its simplicity it can be both
practical and beneficial to subjects at every level. It’s possible even for practitioners and their clients to devise and
develop their own Mnemonic systems specifically attuned to the individual.

The first method, S.T.O.P., appears in Taking Charge of Anger (2004), by W. Robert Nay, Ph.D.
S – Stop what you’re saying, stop what you’re doing, stop what you’re thinking.
T – Think about what you’re saying /have been saying/are about to say/and are doing, thinking and feeling.
O – Objectify. Is this how you want to feel? Is this what you want to say or do?
P – Plan the most constructive course for yourself. Do you need some time out? Can you proceed calmly?
Are you certain of your feelings, attitudes and judgment at this moment?

STOP is a powerful, easy to remember word, which makes it effective. The ideas behind each letter can be
tailored into phrasing more individualized to each person. Again, the value is that it’s easy to remember STOP
when an anger incident starts to present itself. Once the subject begins to consider each of the letters the reflexive
action has effectively been disrupted. Exactly what or how they think each step is of secondary importance to
disrupting the anger reflex itself. Nevertheless, the ideas themselves, as a step by step process, can be of great
value as well.
The next Mnemonic Device is effective partially because, unlike STOP, it is a “made‐up” word. For those
engaged in habitual anger responses, sometimes the use of a word with no other meaning than that of the anger
management tool itself is the best course. It helps keep the thought focused completely away from stray or
random associations. This particular device was developed by Sandra Hubble, M.Ed., and James Cunningham,
D.D., Ph.D., specifically for use with junior high school children in the state of Oregon. It was later used
successfully with both grade school and high school students as well. RISA was a tool within the Responsible
Behavior Development Program pioneered in the Coos County School District. Although primarily a
“behavioral” approach, the cognizant methods employed through RISA are obvious.

R – Realize that you have a problem
I – Identify the problem
S – Stop and Think
A – Act Appropriately

RISA proved immensely effective with adolescents for a number of reasons. It is simple and easy to
remember. As mentioned, the mind finds it almost impossible to skim over or form associations with a fabricated
word, so the association with behavior anger management remained intact. Also, especially for younger children,
the idea of a “special word” or “unique plan” just for them had some resonance, probably due to the fact that,
especially at the childhood level, anger becomes a means of asserting oneself as an individual. They are
continually faced with chaotic and abusive circumstances seemingly beyond their control.
Most people with behavior problems, and specifically with anger issues, often fail to realize that they are
having a problem (anger event) until it is too late. Even then, the problem is rarely identified correctly. For
instance, in the case of children who have just erupted over a disagreement with the teacher, they might identify
the problem as “school,” a non‐specific, non‐helpful misidentification. However, the emotions of an anger issue
and incident most often cloud and generalize the event. To the child, they would simply not have a problem if it
weren’t for “school.”
The illogic and irrationality of this perspective is obvious to an adult (and will be helpful further along in
applying this to an adult situation). Through coaching and step‐by‐step reconstruction of the choices made as
events unfolded in the particular incident, the child can be retrospectively educated about their own role so that
he or she begins to see the event in a specific and rational light.
As the skill for dissecting the incidents increases, the child is able to more often act constructively in the
moment to disrupt the anger reflex. The key is in bringing consciousness (rational thought) into the process,
beginning with the recognition of, “I have a problem.” The sooner this recognition occurs, the more chance of
success. Thus, instead of finding themselves in a head‐to‐head anger incident with a teacher before Realizing, the
process begins with a raised awareness of the responsibilities and of others’ expectations. “I didn’t do my
homework. I have a problem.” This earlier recognition of the teacher’s expectations is what allows for increased
latitude of choices and potential success.
Though developed for the adolescent, the previous example has broad application to anger afflicted
adults, who despite their years and experience still find themselves in the middle of anger incidents before
realizing there is a problem. This phenomenon only serves to enforce the prevailing attitude that unfocused,
uncontrolled anger is usually the result of unconscious or irrational beliefs and thinking processes. To continue
the example, the adult subject may be more articulate than the adolescent, but will invariably narrow the problem
down to, ”my spouse,” ”my boss,” ”my job.” The very same coaching done with children, using step‐by‐step
reflection of anger incidents, produces the same dramatic results in adults. The conscious mind comes into play
and thus the disruption of the anger process begins. The problem is not the spouse (job, boss, etc.), but rather,
“when the spouse said or did this I began to feel frustration, anger, anxiety, fear.” While RISA focuses on
managing the behavior, further steps backward are needed in the cognitive arena to establish a recognition of
responsibility, expectation, fairness, justice or whatever underlying belief system is unconsciously in play.
Another advantage to RISA, or any Mnemonic Device tailored to an adolescent level, is that it is
approaching the problem at the level at which it exists. That is, the same child who had a problem with “school”
probably now has a problem with “boss” (or authority figures, mother figures, etc.). The child with unfocused
anger usually becomes an adult with unfocused anger if skills are not learned to eliminate the falsities or
unrealities of the early emotional trauma.
Again, the Mnemonic approaches can be quite useful, but must work in conjunction with other
approaches and exercises.

7. The Anomalies
The ABC’s of Anger Management
While this particular section might be partitioned under Mnemonic Devices, it also deals extensively with
changing behavior. It warrants its own section because it contradicts much of the prevalent theories behind anger
management. It could be merely discounted if the author, Newton Hightower, of the book Anger Busting 101 and
the strategy, The ABC’s of Anger Management, had not received more endorsements from anger management
counselors and patients than all other current literature combined. Such praise from those “in the field” merits
attention to its practice and methods, but its contradictory premise requires that it be set apart in order to keep
from co‐mingling with other behavioral or Mnemonic approaches.
The ABC’s of Anger Management are specifically for those who have become “addicted” to their anger or
rage. In Newton’s terms, anyone who’s gotten to the point of needing counseling, unless they have a problem not
expressing their anger is usually addicted. Like the laboratory mice who keep going back for more despite the
consequences, the chemical changes, the adrenalin rush, the emotional accelerations have become an addiction.
The signs that anger has become addictive, are:
1. Self Stimulation. The more anger that is expressed, the more it builds and the more intense it
becomes.
2. Compulsion. The inability to stop the anger/rage once it has begun.
3. Obsession. Becoming obsessed with revenge fantasies or preoccupations with mentally replaying
anger.
4. Denial. Denying a serious anger problem, especially by justifying/pointing out another’s anger.
5. Withdrawal and Craving. Not engaging in anger leads to depression, vulnerability or feelings of
weakness and “losing identity.”
Newton contradicts the notion that anger needs to be expressed. This flies in the face of most prevalent
theories from the sixties onward, that anger can be expressed effectively or positively. He directly contradicts the
Build Up/Blow Up approaches to anger resolution. He refers to the cathartic approach of the “express yourself”
and “let it all out” attitudes. This experience he dismisses as potentially satisfying, but having no lasting effect on
reducing anger outbursts. The other refers to the idea that, like a pressure cooker, letting off steam in appropriate
ways keeps it all from exploding. Newton’s premise is that we leave the lid on the pressure cooker, keep the valve
closed, but turn off the fire underneath it.
The ABC’s of an anger‐addicted person (“rageaholic” in Newton’s terms) are Anger, Blame and Criticism.
These ABC’s pattern the subject’s relationships. Briefly, Anger at others and circumstances, Blaming others and
circumstances for failures and Criticism of others as a means of justifying behavior. The “new” ABC’s espoused
are Abstaining, Believing and Communicating. Note: Each of the ABC’s have up to 18 steps or behaviors to them.
Included are only a few to demonstrate the thrust of the strategy.
Abstaining
When angry, the “rageaholic” must abstain from certain behaviors. While intentions are good, Newton
asserts that to the anger addicted the simple self‐talk and global affirmations about our “’inherent goodness’
don’t work.” The following is the action plan for how to abstain from expressing anger:
1. Stop speaking. Considered a fail‐proof action by not allowing anger to vent and build in intensity. Must
be coupled with changing of internal dialogue that blames, criticizes or defends.
2. Stop staying. Leave the scene quickly and quietly if anger hits “5” on a scale of 1 to 10, number 10 being
rage. This is true whether the anger is coming from you or at you. You must learn to gauge your own
anger scale based on your physical responses. Especially avoid being “baited” into staying in the
argument, as in, “You’re always running out…” or “Are you to afraid to talk about it?” Only resume the
discussion when all is calm.
3. Stop staring. Most people in uncontrolled anger, or rage, stare. It is an aggressive, primitive and
provocative act. Look at the floor, at the ceiling or anywhere else, but don’t stare at a person. It inflames
anger.
4. Stop interrupting. We must train ourselves not to interrupt, and to allow ourselves to be interrupted. We
don’t have to “correct” the other person by interrupting. If we get angry at interrupting, we should revert
to #1.
5. Stop cursing. From a psychological and behavioral standpoint, it inflames anger. Stop all profanity in any
and all situations in your life and it will immediately reduce the amount of rage. For anger addicted
people, the use of profanity begins to trigger the chemical change by starting the release of adrenalin.
6. Stop telling “hero stories.” Hero stories are about how we lost our temper or made a sarcastic remark,
emphasizing how tough and “bad” we are. Instead, talk about what you did wrong in the incident and
what you could have done differently.
7. Stop criticizing and stop lecturing. It’s not our job to point out what others are doing wrong.

Believing: Believe in the principles for Peace, Happiness and Permanent Change
1. Practice self‐restraint, don’t always express yourself. It requires courage and builds patience to stand our
ground mentally, quietly.
2. Practice kindness, not revenge. Loosen the grip on “telling the truth about how you feel,” and practice
speaking softly, kindly and tolerantly in situations you would normally be angry in.
3. Practice being gracious, not critical. Immediately resign from the post of pointing out to our spouses,
children and whomever, what is wrong with them or how they do this or that. Say “thank you” at every
opportunity.
4. Practice self‐examination, not blame. When any anger starts to develop, immediately say, “You are right.
I was wrong,” and focus on where you might have contributed to the problem…even if it was only 1% of
the problem.
5. Practice surrendering, not dominating. Learn to let go of what you want, or want to happen. Learn to say,
and think, “You might be right.”
6. Practice feeling awkward, not natural. If we’re feeling awkward, it means we’re breaking out of beaten
paths of behavior.
Communicate: Communicate with these new phrases, developing new scripts. There are a series of phrases
to use when any argument or disagreement develops that could trigger anger. The anger addict should
immediately use one of the following phrases.
1. You are right.
2. I am crazy.
3. I am bad.
4. I am stupid.
5. I am sick.
6. I am wrong.
Obviously, no one would counsel these as self‐assertive affirmations. They are used here because the anger addict
must train themselves, until the addiction is broken, to immediately forestall any attempts to justify, blame,
criticize or defend, as in, “You’re right. I must be crazy to say that,” and so on.
Again, this particular ABC approach is specifically designed for those who rage, and are addicted to rage.
The author asserts that a large part of the male population are probably at some level addicted to anger.

The “Own Your Anger” or “Anger Is Good” Doctrines
There are several books currently in publication, mostly written by and specifically for women and
promote “the benefits of anger.” These books are aimed at women who have suppressed anger issues, and it
promotes the recognition and acceptance of that anger as a healthy change, especially in gender issues and
relationships.
Understandably, the approach to awakening those who suppress anger is much different than the
approach to managing the expression of anger for those who cannot control their aggression. Also, because there
are and have been societal issues discouraging the female expression of anger, books like The Anger Advantage
(2003) by Deborah Cox, Ph.D., Karen Bruckner, M.A., L.P.C., Sally Stabb, Ph.D., take a particular notice of a
number of behavior patterns that are not addressed elsewhere, such as the influence of others in bypassing,
negating or undermining our anger. For instance, “I know you’re hurt…” as in being told that you are
disappointed when you are angry, or “You’ll ruin everything!” or some such verbage to promote the sacrifice of
addressing legitimate anger issues in order to preserve the order of the status quo.
The approach, however, remains essentially cognizant, relying on the anecdotal recounts of specific
testimonies to illustrate a general category of particularly feminine anger issues in relationships. The exercises
and strategies, particularly on active listening and “tabling” emotion during an argument, are instructive, but
definitely limited in scope to a particular audience with a particular issue. Attempts to use this course of action
with anger‐addicted males would be potentially disastrous.
One particular skill that reaches across the boundaries is that of “active engagement “ or “total listening”
(see Behavioral Approaches). Similar to a Buddhist technique, and skills proposed elsewhere, this involves
silencing the inner dialogue and reaching out with all levels of understanding, “listening with your whole body,”
as one describes it, to hear the communication being delivered. Obviously, this is not meant to be used when one
is being subjected to abuse and anger, but rather when one begins to feel the anger impulse at what is being said.
Any comments made by the listener should be for clarification purposes only. The information should be
“catalogued” either mentally or on paper to be reviewed when the initial emotional reaction has well subsided.

8. Caveat: The Challenges to Change
Perhaps the greatest challenge to making changes in our lives, especially for those who have firmly
established patterns in a dysfunctional dance with others, is that the patterns of others are going to be affected as
well. The dance may involve many partners, some intimately. Everyone’s feet probably keep stepping in the same
rut, not just the person receiving counseling. While those who encourage change may find it less challenging to
removing the old patterns, it still may be uncomfortable or unfamiliar. If those around the subject are part of the
anger equation as well, then there’s bound to be some fairly bumpy trips and falls, if not outright resistance. To
change takes commitment and energy. It’s easier to stay in the rut.
Murray Bowen, originator of the Bowen Family Systems Theory, emphasizes, “…In all families there is a
powerful opposition to one member defining a more independent self.” While on the surface it seems that
everyone involved would welcome freedom from anger, it can, as mentioned, be unfamiliar territory at the least,
and downright hostile at its worst, if others in the family unit have anger management issues as well.
The reason for this opposition is that not everyone may be at the point of commitment to change.
Certainly support would make it easier for the client, but one must be prepared in certain situations as described
above where one may be “pressured” to change back. If the anger issues reside as part of a larger problem, like
controlling or abusive parents or spouses (or even children!) within the unit, there are inevitably “counter moves”
that are unconsciously designed to prevent a disruption of the existing patterns which would force the remaining
elements to change as well. In this, the anger beliefs are present in the others who have just as much resistance to
looking at themselves as the anger management subject. According to Bowen, the counter moves inevitably
follow successive steps.
1. You are wrong. Not only are “you” (the subject) wrong and mistaken in these new beliefs, changes that
are provoking the status quo of the dysfunctional dance, but here are the volumes of reasons to support
why you are wrong. This is a dangerous step for the anger management subject, as they will hear many of
those internal thoughts they are challenging being voiced openly against them and undermining the
commitment to change. “You’ve been wronged, you have a right to be angry.” “So you’re just not going
to stand up for yourself anymore?” “Are you going to let somebody else tell you how to think?” and
assuming the subject weathers the storm, the argument moves into new territory…
2. Change back and we will accept you. All is forgiven and forgotten. Things can return to their previous
familiarity and comfort (the discomfort being the out‐of‐synch behavior being manifested which no
longer fits the pattern). If this doesn’t succeed, the inevitable third stage is…
3. If you don’t change back, these will be the consequences… (which are then listed). Given that the anger
management subject may be in the midst of trying to look for a point of outward stability during the
emotional tenuousness of an evolving belief system, such threats become just that; very threatening. The
possible loss of family security, of the retraction of love and support (such as it is) can produce very real
fear, stress and anxiety, all things that lower the anger threshold. “We can’t be close if you feel this way.”
“How can we have a relationship if you mean that?” Often, even psychosomatic illnesses such as stress,
asthma or even heart attack and stroke can be provoked by the fear of shifts in the relationship.
Another very common counter move—especially prevalent if the subject uses “time‐outs” to disengage or remove
oneself from heated situations, is that of implied selfishness. Taunts and accusations can abound, preying on the
subject’s fragile hold upon their own emerging convictions of changing automatic behaviors. If more than one
person is involved, often the third party will insinuate disloyalty and cruelty. “How could you upset your mother
brother, father, sibling?”
As irrational or ludicrous as it seems, and many of the accusations of counter moves are downright
ironic, the threat to breaking cycles and patterns are more compounded in a group dynamic than even on the
personal front. All of the anxiety, fear and discomfort the subject feels in venturing into new and unknown
territory that threatens one’s established sense of identity are intensely magnified when two or more people are
part of the dynamic.
These counter moves are the other’s attempts to restore a relationship to its prior balance or equilibrium.
With change, the balance is upset. The counselor’s job is to be very aware of such situations. The subject’s job is to
remain very clear about his or her own position and priorities, not to argue about the other person’s behavior, to
lecture, to prevent it from happening or to try to “educate” or “counsel” the other person.
While the problem can be daunting, it should be put in context of a challenge and opportunity. It is our
individual choice, not the choice of others, to define our status, position and responsibilities. In this way, the
multiple party situations are just an opportunity to extend the anger management practice already underway.

9. Forgiveness
While forgiveness might initially assert itself as belonging in the section on religious based techniques, it
occurs that on some level each of the foregoing approaches hovers at the edge of dealing with forgiveness
without actually being so explicit. Also, while prayer and religion might be very straightforward about
forgiveness, prayer and religion have a tendency in most faiths to leave the practical demonstration of the rule up
to individual enlightenment. Saying, “I forgive you” and then trying to convince oneself because it is either
what’s expected or a sin to do otherwise, while actually holding on to the thoughts that insist that we have been
wronged is to invite the disaster of suppressed anger, and eventually a psychological disorder.
Everyone is familiar with the axiom of, “forgive and forget,” though a more recent pop axiom is “forgive
but don’t forget.” Both are suggesting forgiveness in action, but one implies that the “lesson learned” should
remain a part of our continued conscious action and assessment. The difficulty with this approach is in
determining whether or not the individual has really “moved on” or still harbors silent resentment and
suspicions that color future behavior.
One definition of forgiveness is, “to pardon, to relinquish any debt, resentment or desire for retribution.”
If the anger reflex pattern that asserts itself is based on the idea that we are wronged or threatened, and if the
anger management techniques are designed to disengage that reflexive action as inconsistent and detrimental to
our well being, then anger management is, at some level, advocating a relinquishment of resentment and desire
for retribution in effect, seeking to pardon the supposed cause of this wrongdoing. In The Anger Workbook (1993),
written by Les Carter, Ph.D. and Frank Minirth, M.D., the authors suggest that there is a need to forgive, and it
begins with the need to forgive ourselves. In forgiving ourselves and seeking the forgiveness of others that have
been exposed to the rage, the subject comes up against the need to forgive others as well. In fact, the whole
concept of forgiveness requires a universal approach on the part of those seeking to be forgiven. In seeing
themselves as having been mistaken in their beliefs, anger management subjects are better able to extend that
realization to include others. Here, regardless of beliefs, we are reminded of the Christian prayer to, “Forgive us
our debts as we forgive our debtors.”
Carter and Minirth also include that forgiveness requires the setting aside of “idealistic myths.” This is
corroborated in other cognitive and behavioral approaches where the subject is counseled to practice
“unconditional acceptance,” and to “allow themselves and others to be human and to make mistakes.” The Anger
Workbook states that anger is the thief of unmet needs and unrealized expectations. It is not “us” vs. “them” that is
out there trying to inhibit us, but a rather a group of “us” that are all trying to meet their needs and realize
expectations. Realizing this diffuses much that encourages us to hold on to our anger and creates a path for
forgiveness and healing.
Types of Anger, Part VII
The title of this section is slightly misleading, and might more aptly be called “Channels of Anger” or
“The Focus of Anger,” as “anger” itself remains relatively unchanged except in its intensity. The predominant
writings and approaches generally deal with anger at others. It is the introduction of another perspective, or
another set of beliefs, that usually precipitates an anger confrontation through a challenge on our own belief
systems. There are, however, other types of anger. None are treated extensively or definitively in current writings
and most focus on the “relationship” angers between male and females.
To be sure, the essentials of managing anger remain unchanged: there is a challenge or threat to our
person or being, either real or perceived, and we must rationally respond to this challenge or threat and not
unconsciously or instinctively react to it. On a cognizant level, however, an understanding of the precise nature of
our anger will let us choose the most appropriate tool to managing our anger.
The types of anger can be segregated into four general categories:
1. Anger at Self
2. Anger at Others
3. Anger at God
4. Anger at the World.
A common theme of anger management issues, indeed, hearkening back to the original “fight or flight”
based perceptions, is a feeling of powerlessness. It happens in the unexpected moment of either real danger or of
having our hopes and expectations thwarted. It also happens in the lingering, long term and depressive feeling of
powerlessness. There is a certain advantage to recognizing the different types of power that exert themselves on
us.
1. Legitimate power. This is the type of power derived from elected or earned positions. Politicians,
ministers, officials, the captain of a ship, an airline pilot or someone whose position gives them a
certain ability to effect change and make decisions regarding others.
2. Referent power. This power is derived from character and qualities. People defer to the judgment and
leadership of such a person, perhaps due to heroic, selfless character, extreme honesty or charisma.
3. Expert power. This power is derived from special knowledge or abilities not present in the general
arena, and not possessed by ourselves.
4. Reward Power. This is not only the power to reward money (as in the case of a boss or manager), but
also psychological benefits such as comfort, support or encouragement.
5. Coercive power. This is the power to punish or judge. Legitimate coercive power may be held by a
priest, magistrate or possibly an employer, but it is the one most often used and abused to control
and punish.
These types of power, presented by Judy Ford in Getting Over Getting Mad (2001), are particularly useful when
used in conjunction with evaluating and determining our channels and focus of anger. By defining the focus and
then assessing its type and legitimacy we are often able to reconstruct our own implied or implicit consents and
thus we can reform the basis or definition of the relationship.

Anger at Self
Anger at oneself is commonly regarded as the cause of depression. Self‐anger is literally an anger turned
inward, though this in itself, at least at the traumatic level, is merely a byproduct, a habitual, learned response to
some type of abusive behavior by another. It is almost invariably seen in victims of abuse, whether psychological,
physical or sexual, and is often coupled with protective or identification tendencies toward the abuser. Anyone
with clinical depression, depression that lingers for more than a few days or is part of a lasting cycle of depression
is almost inevitably dealing with a deep‐seated anger relating to trauma that affects his or her sense of self. Such
cases should be referred to a mental health professional and not dealt with through anger management
counseling alone. Those that experience patterns of self anger that are neither lingering or abusive to self, that is,
not involving withdrawal or self‐destructive behavior and rather are more a pattern of “self‐blaming” or
“assuming responsibility” for negative outcomes (as in the case of an ‘enabling’ spouse) may not have clinical
depression or deep‐seated trauma, but are undoubtedly struggling with emotional dysfunction and/or identity
disorders. These subjects should also be referred to a mental health professional, as the emotional and
psychological make‐up is deeply conflicted and could potentially include suicidal or self‐abusive tendencies.
The incidental anger at self, in the form of self‐blaming and agonizing over past decisions or failed
choices is, to some extent, a natural part of the learning process. The key is to eliminate any lingering rumination
over the choices or outcomes and adopt an assertive program of establishing behavior that promotes self‐
awareness. The subject cognizes any subconscious beliefs or hidden agendas and assumes a rational and mature
outlook on success and failure while encouraging exploration of healthy risk taking.
The skills and tools for such an undertaking are best discovered through practical trials focused to target
and counter the particular self‐defeating behavior as precisely as possible. Journaling, chronicling events and
decisions, are excellent means to evaluate choices and outcomes. Also, inquiry, in the form of establishing support
from trusted intimates, can be valuable to add objectivity and perspective. Ellis’ promotion of unconditional
acceptance, especially of self, can be invaluable, if the tendency is to wrongly focus blame for failed outcomes on
a particular trait that we find unacceptable or unattractive in ourselves, incidental self‐anger lacks the levels of
emotional rage endemic to the combative or confrontational situations encountered with anger at others.
Incidental self‐anger is usually the easiest of all angers to manage, as the sense of self‐responsibility is already in
place, albeit intensified, which is necessary to establishing cognizance of the behavior pattern and taking steps to
change it.

Anger at Others
Almost all treatment and approaches focus on this anger for reasons mentioned earlier. The key to this
anger is understanding that it is not a “person,” but a “behavior” that is triggering the anger reflex. Thus
accepted, the breakdown of behavior begins, as our recognition that it is the power of our own thought that
defines the experience, and not the supposed power of another individual. A most powerful realization for those
manifesting anger at others is that letting go of anger does not mean conceding defeat, or identity. It does mean
establishing a right sense of self‐identity, and providing a stronger position from which to pursue and accomplish
our goals.
Anger at others may at times be a cover for some type of self‐anger, particularly when it involves an
abdication of our own power to make choices. This may or may not be linked to past failures or situations where
the subject has neglected or refused to accept responsibility, or may have knowingly or willingly made choices or
adopted behavior at conflict with their conscious instinct or desires. Examples of this would be accepting a
position or entering a relationship that is consciously at odds with our moral or emotional self. The resultant
discomfort may be directed in anger at the “supposed” cause of the discomfort and efforts made to override the
conscious acknowledgment of responsibility in our complicity. However, it is truly a self‐anger arisen from our
own intentional effort to act contrary to a choice we made. In its extreme, this anger may alternate between anger
vented at others and self‐destructive behavior like alcoholism, hedonism or drug abuse.
This particular “others vs. self” see‐saw is the most common type of anger seen in soldiers and other
types of combatants. Unable to determine and accept the legitimate powers exerting influence, and disentangle
from consent to power exerted over them, soldiers can develop an emotionally descending spiral of
rationalizations and self‐loathing.

Anger at God
As discussed previously, an individual’s definition of God and particular sense of God determines much
when speaking of religion or spirituality. It becomes almost impossible to speak directly to the specifics of anger
that usually manifests itself in anger at God. Therefore, in the broadest possible terms, in order to make the
necessary generalizations, we will accept here that God is the ultimate power and creator of the Universe.
Those who experience anger at God do so usually as the result of one of two things; either a tragic event
of seeming cosmic injustice (as in the death of a loved one, especially a child, or a catastrophic loss of another
sort), or through a long series of seemingly endless trials and struggles, sometimes referred to as a “Job”
experience. (Job was an Old Testament patriarch who endured the loss of family, health, and possessions over a
lengthy period of time, testing his faith in God.) In either case, the anger usually requires an “inciting event” to
trigger its outward expression, the same as any other anger, and the trigger may or may not have a direct
connection or link to God, faith or religion itself. The trigger, the inciting incident, will invariably have a common
denominator amongst all cases though, and this is that human abilities failed. Something, somewhere in the
incident moved beyond our ability to influence or change the outcome. We cannot blame ourselves, for we did
not cause the mechanical malfunction, introduce the disease or in any way cause the tragedy. We cannot blame
ourselves or others, for everyone performed to the best of their abilities where it was humanly possible.
The only possible outcome in reasoning at this point is to accept that it was “out of human hands.” What
then, who then can be held responsible? Situations where there is no “other” to blame or no “self” to blame, these
events inevitably get blamed on God, and God becomes the subject and focus of anger. “If God is almighty, all
powerful, and loving, then how could this happen?”
A very famous book written on the subject is When Bad Things Happen to Good People (1981), by Harold S.
Kushner, recently reissued in a 20th anniversary edition. Kushner writes, ʺWhat do we do with our anger when
we have been hurt? The goal, if we can achieve it, would be to be angry at the situation, rather than at ourselves,
or at those who might have prevented it or are close to us trying to help us, or at God who let it happen. Getting
angry at ourselves makes us depressed. Being angry at other people scares them away and makes it harder for
them to help us. Being angry at God erects a barrier between us and all the sustaining, comforting resources of
spirituality that are there to help us at such times. Being angry at the situation, recognizing it as something rotten,
unfair, and totally undeserved, shouting about it, denouncing it, crying over it, permits us to discharge the anger
which is a part of being hurt, without making it harder for us to be helped.ʺ
Kushner, a Rabbi, is writing from religious perspective and his own personal tragedy. But in applying an
anger management overlay to his words leaves us in a dilemma. While he properly directs the anger away from
others or self, and reasonably points out that anger at God removes a potential source of comfort and support, he
also comes close to undoing this good advice by advocating venting, which has been proven not to “discharge”
anger, but rather to escalate and perpetuate it.
Carter and Minirth in The Anger Workbook (1993), present this analysis of those who insist that “God
should have stopped my problems and alleviated my suffering.” They are suffering from the “Shining Knight
Syndrome,” where God becomes a mythical figure who rides in to save the day. Yes, God is all‐powerful, but we
shouldn’t give God the credit or blame for human choices and human happenings. God set the design, but we are
still responsible for our actions and our experience. In other words, God made the heavens and earth, but God
didn’t create automobiles, per se, and is not responsible for pollution or our irresponsible treatment of the
environment.
While both of these works have undeniably offered some comfort for many people, they seem somehow
flawed and evasive when they first ascribe certain qualities to God, and then rationalize human suffering on the
grounds that God is a diffident parent, somehow disinterested in our suffering. This is a hard theological
question, and one that inevitably pokes a hole in the otherwise most rational and comforting of religious beliefs.
This hole then seems to get plastered over with a big sticker with the words “Faith” or “Divine Will” or some
equally indecipherable and inexplicable concept.
In Your God Is Too Small (1997), author J.B. Phillips, a Christian scholar, translator and theologian asserts
that the basic problems of man’s ineffective and dissatisfied relationship with God is that his concept of God
is…well…too small. Humanity, rather than trying to understand God’s true nature, ascribes to Him qualities and
identity based on our human perspective. That is, God becomes a “Grand Old Man,” the “Managing Director,” a
“Resident Policeman” or some other super attenuated projection of human kind. The fact is that God is a Spiritual
Identity. However, we simply cannot begin to understand or effectively pray to a being that is nothing more than
a “super human” any more than we can if we insist He is an “unknowable mystery.”
If we return to our analogy of the math problem, as used in the “Religious Based Methods” section,
Anger at God is akin to the child being angry at the teacher when he fails to correctly solve the math problem, or
to grasp the principles of its operation. If there were no adversity or “wrong answers,” we would never have the
opportunity to review our operations and learn a greater truth. One Eastern philosophy teaching uses the oyster
and the pearl to illustrate a point. The irritant, a grain of sand, becomes the opportunity whereby the pearl, a
thing of great beauty, is created. In Western religion, such gathering of wisdom is often called, “the pearl of great
price.” The price of acquisition was great, but its end worth is beyond measure.
Unfortunately, there is no way to address an anger management issue with God without encountering
some fairly sticky situations where faith and religious beliefs are involved. Kushner makes a point that we tend to
believe, especially on an unconscious level, that “we are the cause of what happens” and our belief is one short
step to ”believing that every disaster is our fault.”
In the face of tragedy, we have a legitimate need to believe that things have an order and purpose to
them. A belief in God can provide that sense of order and purpose, and at the same time help us to relieve
ourselves of unnecessary and irrational guilt and responsibility. However, if we are to accept a belief in God, in a
higher, infinite and universal power, then we must also have the humility to admit that this grand architect does
not need to make us privy to His ways. It is, in the Torah, the Bible and the Quran, emphatically noted that it is
our responsibility to seek God, and in seeking the understanding of our place in His purpose, we are provided
with the knowledge, wisdom and insight to continue our journey. Like the child at the blackboard, we can’t
expect the problem solving will necessarily be easy, though we can rely on the fact that the solution does exist.

Anger At The World
Anger at the world takes on a noticeably less dramatic dimension, but has certain similarities to anger at
God. In both cases it is a sense of powerlessness and incomprehension that confounds our ability to reason or act
in an effective manner.
As with all anger, the best solution for anger at the world is knowledge. As self‐knowledge, the dismissal
of beliefs that are nothing more than a prejudiced pattern of thinking, help eradicate anger at others and self.
Knowledge also defeats anger at the world. Different cultures, different societies, different religions and customs
may confound and confuse us, but that does not mean we have to remain in paralytic fear or ignorance. Being
widely read and properly informed may mean taking time out from television news and sound bytes, or
spending a little time researching the background, ownership and agenda of particular news sources to insure
that you are not unconsciously ingesting opinions in the name of fact. Gone are the days when we could trust
everything in print. Look to magazines like, “The Week,” that offer a compilation of many opposing points of
view and differing opinions to help gain a balanced view. Subjects struggling with this issue might intentionally
and consciously look to news sources that are specifically known to stand politically, religiously or
philosophically at the opposite end of their own beliefs in order to insure a balance and develop a tolerance for
opposing opinions.
As “active listening” can be a valuable tool to develop in conversation, “active reading” can be employed.
The subject consciously and emphatically reads to discern the factual communication being delivered without
becoming emotionally involved in theoretical opposition. This practice can eventually lead to the practice of
“standing in someone else’s shoes.” One can cultivate acquaintances and even friendships with a diverse group of
people through attending library events or free community, university or public lectures and symposiums. It
must be cautioned, however, that until a degree of tolerance and equanimity can be maintained, one should avoid
those events liable to evoke an anger reflex.
Closer to home, one may find “the world” within their own changing community. What was once a
gentrified neighborhood may, in such a changing economic and sociological climate, have shifted and expanded
to include more diversity. Volunteering at various community events, schools or charitable organizations can
help expose us to views and perspectives that dissolve ignorance In the case of world anger, ignorance is usually
what leads to fear, which precipitates the anger reflex.
One means of cultivating a more expansive tolerance within ourselves is to look at previously
emotionally charged issues that hold no current triggers for us. Books such as “Black Like Me” which is an
account of the segregated black experience pre‐civil rights, or David Copperfield which documents the plight of
the poor in Industrial England can be extremely valuable. Both these, and similar books, dealt with highly
charged cultural issues of the day. By reading intelligently, and actively seeking alternative historical
perspectives, we can begin to assimilate the ability to discern and displace emotional discoloration of factual
information. This way we can overcome ignorant fears and produce thoughtful conclusions.
One additional point here is that we should be aware of “legitimate powers” which can and do have
authority and control over us. But we should remind ourselves that this authority and control is limited in scope
and action, and certainly never has the power to assert itself on our rational thinking processes, even if it does
control our social and cultural environment.

Terrorism
Terrorism occupies a central place in today’s social and political discourse. Fear and anger related to
terrorism are present to at least some degree in every citizen of the world because of its shockingly bold and
unprecedented entrance into everyday life, into places we considered “safe.” These places may be schools,
supermarkets, banks or places of business, as “terrorism” is not confined to inter‐faith, inter‐racial or international
settings. It is anywhere that anger becomes a violent and lethal urge to impress and impose itself upon others. If
its purpose is to inspire “terror” for whatever reason, be it political, religious fanaticism or the results of an
unfathomably disturbed reasoning without any seeming motivation, then school shootings, random drive‐by
shootings, workplace hostages, employee rages and all such acts can reasonably be agreed upon as terrorism.
Every unfocused anger‐rage inflicted on others is rightly classified under the definition of terrorism, and it is
these broader, violent and potentially lethal acts that we address here.
In perfect irony, such acts of terrorism are the only legitimate situation in which our own anger reflex is
meant to operate: a classic “fight‐or‐flight” scenario in which our very lives are at risk. Nonetheless, the primal
reflex is of little use in the normal course of our lives and even this “appropriate” scenario must be managed lest
we fail to control our own anger and fall prey to the resulting physical or mental distress of our actions.
Despite the plethora of media currently addressing terrorism, there is arguably only one widely available
writing specifically addressing terrorism within and of the realm of anger management; it is the Anger
Management Sourcebook (1947), by Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. and Melissa Hallmark Kerr, Ph.D. Below are a few
pointers from the book:
1. Accept the full range of feelings as normal. At an appropriate point allow yourself to feel, shake, cry or
whatever naturally occurs. The key here is neither to suppress nor indulge. There is as much danger to
“fantasizing” supposed scenarios of feelings and emotions as there is to ignoring or repressing them.
Such fantasizing is akin to “venting” which invariably only increases the anger. Often, as group pathos or
hysteria becomes a self‐stimulating event, a wise course is to use “journalizing,” the technique of writing
your thoughts and feelings or talking them into a tape recorder. This kind of “…journalizing/talking has
been found to significantly improve mood and physical health, following an initial drop in mood as we
confront the reality of what has happened.” Post‐traumatic stress is much higher for those who don’t
acknowledge or express their feelings. Even if there is emotional distancing and shock, this too should be
recorded and tracked, as it will eventually encourage the inevitable imprints to express themselves
naturally.
2. Keep what has happened in perspective. Acts of terror are not personal. They are general and ideological.
The vast majority of people in the world do not and would not commit such acts. It is important to
recognize and affirm that despite genuine horror, our country or our community is intact. Keep in mind
that despite whatever terrible losses, terrorism inevitably fails to cause widespread or extensive damage.
Its only real power as a weapon is emotional, and we must not give it that power. Our ideals are stronger
than fanaticism, and we must hold an image of Love and Decency that is greater than any evil. There is
undoubtedly health and solace in a spiritual perspective that there can be no eternal defeat to Good.
3. Keep a calm resolve, focusing on what you individually want to do. The action of helping others is
beneficial, whether that action is giving blood, donating money, food, counsel, prayer or other acts of
kindness.
4. Guard your physical health, especially if the distress becomes prolonged. Exert structure in your daily life
through exercise, scheduling, stress management or whatever it takes to make yourself comfortable.
5. Avoid thoughts that excessively arouse the nervous system. Avoid situations that excessively stimulate
emotional agitation. This includes “catastrophizing,” using “shoulds,” “musts,” “horrible,” “awful,” etc…
as well as “all or nothings,” as in, “I’m either strong or I’m weak.”
6. Be aware of your physical condition. Specifically watch for subtle alterations in your breathing that might
indicate unconscious tension and stress asserting itself.
7. Strengthen your faith in anything that reminds you of the “Big Picture,” of a larger order and meaning
than the present crisis.
8. When the crisis has passed…grieve. When occupied with survival we tend to forget something has been
lost in a traumatic fashion. Once the “emergency” situation is over and we are safe, we should allow
ourselves to feel the loss and release it. Rituals, symbols, and farewells often help this process.
9. Do not allow yourself to be consumed by hatred. We must keep ourselves separate and apart from those
who committed the act itself, keep ourselves conscious of who we are, why we exist and not sink to the
depths of the terrorists themselves. Whatever steps or measure we take should be without hatred, and
should consciously be for the promotion of love and healing.
10. Anticipate future occurrences of terrorism by being prepared, not obsessed. If storing a stockpile of food
makes you feel more comfortable, then do it. If making a plan for your family’s safety gives you peace of
mind, then do it. Once done, let it go.
11. Cultivate the attributes of resilient survivors, those who have faced and coped with such experiences like
World War II veterans, and abuse survivors, terrorist victims and the like. Successful survivors have
displayed the qualities like “…reasoned optimism, self esteem, flexibility, creative problem solving,
altruism, a sense of beauty, sense of humor and balanced living.” In short, they’ve learned to appreciate
life. To cultivate a sense of beauty, take up bird watching, painting, art appreciation or something that
causes you to consciously acknowledge and appreciate beauty in new ways. Cultivate altruism by
volunteering your time, sponsoring a child, or helping the homeless.
12. Express physical and verbal affection to family and friends. This provides reassurance and a sense of
security both to you and them. Adults and especially children should not be exposed to repeated or
prolonged media messages or images of terrorism. Discuss it with them. Ask their ideas and input.
Encourage positive inclusion by asking what they would do to help and other such problem solving
questions that stimulate growth and thinking beyond the tragedy or terror of the event.
13. If symptoms of stress, anger, fear and the like do not resolve in a few weeks…if normal, daily living is
impaired by thoughts and emotions, this is post‐traumatic stress disorder. There is a growing awareness
of this problem and new treatments and approaches are quite helpful in the professional mental health
field.
14. Failure to deal with the event only lowers one’s threshold for facing and overcoming future events.
And finally, from a study of World War II survivors, here is a compilation of qualities, attitudes and
outlook that were common to all who were successfully free of lasting effects from trauma from the war.
The best of them conveyed the following:
They did their duty without animosity.
They were people of faith, decency and high moral character.
They maintained a sense of humor and hope.
They acknowledged fears, and then acted anyway.

Why So Much Anger?
There seems to be several truisms about anger and anger management. Destructive anger like toxic anger,
chronic anger and rage, have alarmingly increased as a personal and societal problem. While there are differences
in thought, both subtle and significant, about anger and anger management, certain consistencies in trends of
thought tend to prevail according to collective consciousness. Whatever the collective human consciousness
accepts as being true and possible tends to become accepted as true and possible.
The first item literally begs the question, “Why?” Why is anger so prevalent? Shouldn’t we realize that a
societal problem exists which must be treated? If everyone in a neighborhood came down with the same illness,
wouldn’t there be some effort to discover the source of the illness and a cure instead of merely treating
symptoms? If a very real problem, one that has caused countless tragedies and spawned an entire industry, can
continue to be treated at the “symptom” level only, then there is no prayer for a cure.
Look at a sampling of headlines taken from the internet headline news services: “54 year old
grandmother attacks policeman over speeding ticket,” “Man shoots fast food worker after botched order,” “Wife
stabs husband after he criticizes her cooking,” “Child shoots playmate who refuses to trade Pokemon card.”
These are neither the worst nor a complete list. But the incidents are frequent enough to be reported regularly in
the media. What can possibly have pushed society to this precipice, committing terrible acts in the heat of the
moment? This is anger at its worst.
A compelling argument can be made for looking at the things that lead to anger. Fear and stress are the
top two factors cited by every authority on the subject of anger. Somehow our society has become so stressful and
fearful that the anger threshold has become alarmingly low, and stress levels so high that people explode. Sixty
hour work weeks, less job security, television and media violence, lack of money and even angry music can be
cited as causes for high stress. We need to look at not only what we have accepted and agreed to in terms of
individual stress, pressures and fears, but also to look at what kind of a society we have created and to which we
have subscribed.
As indicated in Section II, History of Anger, great world changes have resulted from individuals taking a
creative stand against oppression. The oppression may be political, corporate, religious, economic, geographical,
etc., but it must be opposed by the masses if we are to take a stand against it and make any noticeable change.
As a society we have come to believe less in true justice and fair dealings from our government, leaders
and the world in general, just as we have accepted a certain level of victimization from those entities. On the
conscious and unconscious levels of thinking, we accept that wrongs have been, and are, committed, and that we
are powerless against them. We have accepted that the logical outcome is that we have ‐ and are ‐ victimized.
There is societal premise that there is a little man who is powerless in the face of evil, corrupt forces. These forces
are a faceless “they,” a hidden elite, the collective rich who “have” everything.
However, in the purest metaphysical sense, this notion is illogical and faulty. It depersonalizes the enemy
with the same tactics of any slick propaganda piece. This thinking soon becomes anger and rage at the non‐
specific faceless enemies that are controlling and manipulating our lives. Eventually, that stress becomes a hidden
rage that suddenly explodes when it is given a random “face,” like a driver sliding into your intended parking
space, a server mixing up your order at a restaurant, or some other incident that doesn’t warrant the amount of
rage that is expressed.
A Metaphysical Approach to Anger
Besides contemplating the big picture of humankind’s place in the Universe, “metaphysical” means to be
“beyond the physical.” To some degree a metaphysician is denying the physical and material laws as we know
them. As a point of philosophical argument, an absolute metaphysician would discount every physical, behavioral
and cognizant theory put forth herein. As practicing metaphysicians we seek to heal beliefs not based on material
or physical theories, but rather a premise of the unity of indivisible good. Metaphysicians, healers, medical
physicians and professional mental health counselors have now adopted the outlook that some aspects of faith
and spirituality greatly aid in recovery and general well‐being. It is prudent to look at what exactly our beliefs
are.
If we subscribe to the metaphysical outlook that the Creator, the Universe, God, Mind, Goddess, is All
Good, then the error of thought is obvious. There can be no bad, negative, or evil outcome because none can
exist. As we pray, meditate, and believe this truth, we continue to be baffled when terrible things happen. If we
subscribe to the metaphysical outlook that the Creator, the Universe, God, Mind, Goddess, is Neutral, then the
ideology of good/bad and positive/negative still lies in our thoughts and perceptions.
If we find that we are holding to a “Good and Evil” concept of Life, Creation and the Universe, then we
are not truly practicing metaphysicians, but rather an upbeat, pop version of the old school concepts. By
accepting this premise, we have defaulted our outlook to a never‐ending battle of infinity in which man is but an
unwitting pawn. This has been preached for hundreds of years in both secular and non‐secular forums, and is the
very thing from which metaphysics can set us free.
Herein lies the challenge. While everyone would desire freedom, not all are willing to pay the price.
Humility and the relinquishment of ego are pre‐requisite for metaphysical healing. That is truly what anger
management requires. The angry patient in a life of disarray is anxious to have peace and harmony restored.
However, one must be truly ready to give up the false sense of self and others, or the cherished opinions by
which one identifies oneself. The anger management practitioner must always keep in mind that what is being
asked of the patient is to relinquish the sense of self much the way the Buddhist does. Though at first glance this
seems extreme, consider the problem and the methods of the solution. It means that a habitual pattern of
behavior and thinking that was introduced for self‐preservation as a survival skill must be released. It makes no
difference that those patterns of thinking and behavior no longer function, or that they were faulty to begin with.
At this point the pattern has more or less become a neural pattern in the mind, emotions and body. It is no longer
rational. The pattern is so fully melded with the patient’s sense of self that it no longer functions consciously.
Barring hypnotism, which is merely introducing a particular thought suggestion to override the patient’s
thought, in every method of anger management there exists the necessity to bring the subject’s thinking back to a
conscious and rational level in order to change the behavior. The cognitive approach prevails within current
anger management approaches, but little is said about how exactly to reach the retrogressive stage that uncovers
the causal event that precipitated the pattern. Here, there is an omission. By examining what is calm, rational and
true, what is untrue will be uncovered. It is important to introduce a truer thinking to which one may retreat
when the emotions threaten to overwhelm. A famous metaphor: “Digging for dirt will yield dirt, and occasionally
water; digging for water will let you cast aside the dirt and yield the well.”
A metaphysical healer must always reinforce a true concept of self and others as part of the Oneness of
Being. Though many may initially be looking only for a reprieve of symptoms, there is the choice of “managing
symptoms” or true healing. True healing involves a change of thought, a change of outlook and perception. To
use a crude example, the repairman who is hired to eliminate the sputter of the car engine will never succeed by
treating the sputter. He must look beyond the symptom to the cause. The ultimate cause of irrational anger is a
false sense of self as a victim of some power, person, place or circumstance instead of as a free expression of the
Ultimate Love of the Creative Universe. This is the first step toward a more expansive consciousness of self in
relation to the whole.
Once the conscious mind is in play, great steps can be made, and quickly. Whether expressed or not,
every being has an innate desire to become aware of the harmony of true being. “Anger Management” is only a
step on the journey to where we evolve beyond the causal basis of thought and action into a consciousness of one
cause and one effect. Anger management skills are designed to “short‐circuit” the unconscious reactions by
imposing a conscious act. This is the work of a lifetime, though, and even successful graduates of anger
management training methods may find themselves “hitting a wall” at some time in the future.
A metaphysical counselor must maintain the utmost humility. We must see ourselves in others and see
all mankind as brothers and sisters of the same Oneness. If we are asked for and lend a helping hand to those lost
in confusion or misery, we can be grateful for the opportunity to reflect the same unconditional love and
selflessness that we also need and deserve at times. We should be wary of the temptations to become a guru or
savior rather than a healer. The metaphysical counselor must always be working to “be unemployed,” and be so
efficiently successful in this healing work that no false dependencies develop, and that others realize their
absolute wholeness and complete self‐government.

Methods
No “one size fits all” applies here. Everything that advertises itself as such fails to fit anyone correctly.
Too big here, too small there. Ungainly. Unattractive. Rarely useful at all…unless one is stark naked in a storm
with nothing else to wear.
Again, here the practitioner must take care. All will find a certain sense of individual style and comfort
with certain methods. While this may work a percentage of the time, or even be successful most of the time, the
highest sense of practice will demand that we look to what is best for the client/patient. Not all people are
auditory learners. Not all people are verbal. Some are verbal‐visual. Others are, well, other combinations of
something else. Though most people can comfortably work well outside of a preferred method of learning, we
must remember that those who come to us already experience a block of some sort, and may not be able to work
within a proscribed method of counseling. The best recipes are from the best chefs, who maintain a full
complement of tools at their disposal.

The Marketing Machine
During the course of research, it becomes impossible to ignore a certain fact: books are published to be
sold at a profit. They are a business enterprise. No doubt, the author’s intent is, for the most part, to help; that is,
while selling books. To that end, they may have catchy titles, interesting covers, startling allegations, or strings of
degrees after the author’s name. It isn’t disingenuous to say that it becomes obvious that certain slants have been
taken to fill a niche in the cluttered shelves of the self‐help section, or to hit a particular demographic sector with
“just the right hook.” The most blatant and obnoxious of these have been avoided altogether, and every effort has
been made to cover the subject as broadly as possible using only those authors who have some established (and
hopefully, long term) credentials in either practicing or researching anger management.
However, one should bear in mind that the purest research and findings are those done within the
profession and for the professional journals that mostly never come to the public attention. For those that do find
their way to mass publishing, one should realize the temptations involved in appealing to, and writing for, a
broad lay audience. Even if the intentions are honorable, the result will usually be less than ideal.
As pointed out earlier, our lives and our society function in a pressured, time‐challenged state. Society at
large wants and expects their information in easily digested, formatted and formulated doses, and to treat
emotional or psychological instruction like so much fast food definitely decreases its intrinsic value by
eliminating much that is important.
To cite an example: a consideration at one point was to include a section on “Emotional Intelligence,” a
popular and at‐first‐glance logical explanation of our ability, or inability, to process and respond to emotional
information and situations. Many who are familiar with the term have seen or heard it in the media on popular
talk shows, through internet sites, advertised as part of seminars and workshops. However, after some
investigation, it was discovered that the “emotional intelligence” model was originally developed during the
1970ʹs and 80ʹs by the work and writings of psychologists Howard Gardner (Harvard), Peter Salovey (Yale) and
John Mayer (University of New Hampshire). In 1990, the work of Mayer and Salovey was published in two
academic journal articles. Mayer and Salovey were trying to develop a way of scientifically measuring the
difference in peopleʹs ability to process emotions. They found that some people were better than others at
processes such as identifying their own feelings, identifying the feelings of others, and solving problems
involving emotional issues.
Since 1990 these professors have developed two tests to attempt to measure what they are calling our
ʺemotional intelligence.ʺ Because nearly all of their writing has been done in the academic community, their
names and their actual research findings are not widely known.
What had happened, apparently, is that this widely accessible term was co‐opted by a New York writer
who had written several articles for Popular Psychology magazine, and was preparing a book. He (or his
publisher) came across Mayer and Salovey’s articles and changed the title of the book to “Emotional Intelligence.”
The book made it to the cover of Time Magazine, and the author began appearing on American television shows
such as Oprah Winfrey and Phil Donahue. He also began a speaking tour to promote the book. Unfortunately, the
actual findings on “emotional intelligence” were never included, and in fact even the definition of the term(s)
were changed. Mayer and Salovey, though, have been very cautious about making claims as to what emotional
intelligence means on a practical level and what it might predict in terms of ʺsuccess,” happiness or the ʺidealʺ
member of society. As researchers, they have not gathered enough data to conclusively release to the public.
Now, while it may be a question of semantics, and while anyone may lay claim to a particular choice of
words that best describes their intent, the obvious problem is that the phrase was co‐opted and used because of
its marketing potential. And now, amazingly, the term has almost coined its own industry, with speakers and
seminars and testing reportedly done “based on the research of [the author].” The irony here is that the author
did not even research emotional intelligence; he merely borrowed the phrase. One “institute” even went so far as
to state on its web page that it had adjusted its definition of emotional intelligence to reflect their own views.
In this respect, as we endeavor to keep our minds open, we should also keep our eyes open. This is
presented to you so you are aware that not all claims by authors are solid facts. Keep in mind that when you are
seeking techniques and information, the advice of those trained in the field are the best ones to learn from.

An Anecdote
Following is an excerpt from a private tape. It is not in circulation, so it is not available for reference. It is
an interview with a Holocaust survivor and former concentration camp resident. This survivor speaks of “Paul,”
a man he encountered when he entered the concentration camp. Paul was in excellent physical shape, not gaunt
or wasted like the others. He was a man of calm demeanor and confident quietude. The guards relied on Paul to
help lead the others; the prisoners relied on Paul to guide, counsel and assist them. The narrator was astounded
to see Paul work vigorously for 14‐hour days on the same meager diet as the others. He performed labor as well
as tending to the needs of others. The narrator discovered that Paul was not a Jew, but had been an attorney prior
to the war who sympathized with the Jews. The biggest shock, however, was that Paul had been in the camp for
almost seven years, yet he showed none of the signs of the rest of the population: illness, malnutrition, instability.
The narrator approached Paul and asked him his secret. How could he remain calm, serene and
seemingly unaffected by the situation and his surroundings? Paul looked him in the eyes, and said, “When I
watched my wife and family gunned down against a wall, I begged to be killed as well. But I spoke several
languages, so they would not kill me. I wept and wailed and asked how I could possibly live. ‘Love,’ said a voice
in my mind. And in that instant, I knew I had to love. In my practice of law, I had seen what hate and anger did
to people. It destroyed them. And I saw that these soldiers were victims of their own hate, and that if I hated
them, then I would be just like them. And so I resolved at that moment, for the rest of my life, whether it was for a
day, a month, a year, that I would love everyone that I met. You see,” Paul waved his hand, “this is nothing. It
means nothing. I am free, here.” And he touched his heart. “And that’s why none of this can touch me.”
The poignancy of the story is evident. Its lesson is hard. This man, Paul, was truly enlightened, awake in
the dream. Perhaps only a tragic incident such as this can change our beliefs and behavior in an instant. As we
struggle on the longer path to find avenues to free ourselves from anger, rage, hate and hostility, we should keep
sight of the ultimate goal and reason for doing so—to achieve a state of grace such as Paul’s. To love in the face of
hatred and anger, whether our own or that of others, is a sign of an enlightened being who is a source of love on
Earth.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” —Wm. Shakespeare

Exercises: Getting To Know Our Own Anger
While aggression and unfocused anger are never good, there can be many positive things about anger.
Both the counselor and client must be clear that it isn’t anger that is bad, or unhealthy. It is the unexpressed or
unfocused and errant expression of anger that causes pain and suffering, emotional, physical and psychological.
Begin by asking yourself the following questions as a sort of test to understand your own relationship
with anger.
1. Are you intimidated by the anger of others?
2. Do you feel guilty when you express your anger?
3. Does expressing your anger ever give you an emotional and physical “rush?”
4. Are you afraid that if you let your anger out you might hurt someone?
5. Have you ever hurt anyone when you expressed your anger? Whom, and how?
6. Do you ever have fantasies of revenge? Are they violent or merely intellectual displays of superiority?
7. Do you find yourself often in conflict with others (or with yourself) over how to do things, or what to do?
8. Do you feel loved, protected, safe and supported by family or friends?
9. Do you think being angry is “wrong?”
10. Are you ever afraid or uncomfortable about situations or events that you can’t control or aren’t in charge
of?
You are encouraged to answer the questions thoroughly and to think deeply about them. This exercise will help
you to begin to understand your own relationship to anger, so it is important to be honest with yourself. If, for
instance, you answer that you are not intimidated by the anger of others, but find yourself “swallowing” anger in
the face of rude retail clerks or a family member’s cutting remarks, then think deeper about the question.
Compare your answers against things that you know make you angry or frustrated, and begin to disassemble
what you “know” about yourself from how you actually respond to situations.
Once you have re‐addressed the questions, move on to the next set, following the same premise of honest
self‐evaluation.
1. What situations do you feel powerless over or victimized from?
2. Which people are you around, either occasionally or regularly, that make you uncomfortable, frustrated
or angry?
3. What kind of activities or situations are you aware of making you uptight and tense?
4. When is the last time a spouse, partner or loved one told you that they were angry with you? How did
you respond?
5. When is the last time you told a spouse, partner or loved one that you were angry with them? What was
the issue? How did you present it? What was their response?
6. Choose one physical location where you always feel safe, calm and relaxed. (Or, when you are stressed,
upset or angry, what one place could you go that would have an immediate calming effect.) What are the
qualities or components of this place?
7. If you could change just one thing about your spouse, partner or an intimate friend, what would it be?
8. Write down the following categories: seat belts; sex education, abortion, gay marriage, stem cell research,
women’s rights, affirmative action, gun control, mandatory testing for schools and children. What issues
do you think the government has a right to dictate and regulate, and why? Which issues do you feel they
do not have a right to regulate and dictate, and why? By applying the same criteria to both categories,
are you consistent in your beliefs and arguments? (For instance; “I support the enforced use of seat belts.”
vs. “I do not believe in teaching safe sex and distributing birth control in schools.” may be contradictory,
if the justification for supporting seat belts is that it saves lives, lowers insurance rates or forces people to
act in a safe, responsible manner.)
9. Answer the following: “The one thing I would change about myself, is…” “The reason I have not
changed this yet, is…”
After answering the questions, go back and review your answers with an eye toward anger management. If you
have situations where you feel powerless, are they situations of “legitimate power?” If you don’t ever feel
powerless, are you perhaps suppressing anger over certain frustrations? If your spouse or partner hasn’t told you
that you’ve made them angry, and you can bet you have, then there are probably levels of anger expression that
need to be developed. Use this kind of “self‐analysis” to find out where and how you relate to anger, what you
might do to improve your anger expression and potentially what irrational beliefs you allow to influence your
thinking.
This kind of exercise can be invaluable in helping yourself, but also in establishing an empathy with those
who find themselves in anger management counseling. Many of these questions are not ones we ask ourselves
frequently or think deeply about, but they always yield surprising opportunities for reflection and bettering our
own emotional health.
Affirmations
As anger has often become a “bad” or dangerous thing to many people, the following are affirmations of
a sort that help to break our unconscious agreement to participate in negative anger, while allowing ourselves the
opportunity and responsibility to use anger constructively.
In a quiet room or some other peaceful setting, find a comfortable position, possibly lying on your back or
in a meditative lotus position, and allow yourself to drift. Begin to monitor yourself for tension, turmoil and
conflict in your body and thought. When the “clutter” of everyday has cleared, use these affirmations either by
repeating them out loud, or listening to a pre‐recording of your own voice.
Anger is an emotion, and emotions are okay.
Anger does not have to lead to aggression or attack.
Anger does not have to hurt anyone.
Anger is energy that can be used for positive change.
Anger is an opportunity to challenge my own beliefs and to grow.
Even those who do not require “anger management counseling” can benefit by becoming more conscious and
aware of their own anger expression.

Suggested Writing Exercise For Yourself
What is your favorite anger management approach from this course, and why?
Anger Management Bibliography
Ellis, Albert Ph.D. 1985
Anger: How To Live With It And Without It. Kensington Publishing Corp.; U.S.A.
Ford, Judy 2001
Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways To Manage Anger In Your Most Important Relationships. Conari
Press; Berkeley, CA
Freeman, Lucy 1990
Our Inner World Of Rage: Transforming The Power Of Anger. Continuum; New York, NY
Gaylin, Willard M.D. 1984
The Rage Within: Anger in Modern Life. Simon and Schuster; New York, NY
Gentry, W. Doyle 1999
Anger Free: Ten Steps To Managing Your Anger. Harper Collins; New York, NY
Hanh, Thich Nhat 2001
Anger. Penguin Putnum; New York, NY
Hightower, Newton 2002
Anger Management 101: New ABC’s for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. Bayou Publishing;
Houston, TX
Jones, Carolyn Ph.D. M.F.T. 2004
Overcoming Anger: How To Identify It, Stop It, And Live A Healthier Life. Adams Media Corporation; USA
Lee, John (with Bill Scott), 1993
Facing the Fire: Experiencing And Expressing Anger Appropriately. Bantam Books; New York, NY
Lerner, Harriet Goldhor, Ph.D. 1985
The Dance Of Anger: A Woman’s Guide To Changing Patterns Of Intimate Relationships. Perennial Library,
Jossey‐Bass; San Francisco, CA
Minirth, Frank M.D., Carter, Les Ph.D. 1993
The Anger Workbook. Thomas Nelson, Inc.; Nashville, TN
Stabb, Sally Ph.D., Bruckner, Karen M.A., L.P.C., Cox, Deborah Ph.D. 2003
The Anger Advantage: The Surprising Benefits Of Anger And How It Can Change A Woman’s Life.
Broadway Books/Random House; New York, NY
Anger Management Exam Questions

Name Phone #

Address
(Please supply name, phone #, and address as identifying factors for giving credit properly)

1. High emotional intensity increases thinking ability. T F

2. New World Dictionary (2000) defines anger as a feeling of displeasure resulting from injury, mistreatment,
opposition, etcetera, and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of this feeling.
T F
3. Fight or Flight” describes…
A. an attitude that keeps us from regressing into the past
B. a primal state, emergency emotions that protect us when a perceived danger is nearby
C. a spiritual and loving response

4. Which historical situation would illustrate anger managed into a positive action focus?
A. Revolutionary War B. Gandhi’s resistance C. Holy Crusades D. Vietnam

5. The aim of anger management is to construct a means to dismantle the automatic anger reflex. T F

6. Anger, if managed, can produce positive outcomes. T F

7. From what source comes the statement: “Anger is a delusion that focuses on an animate or inanimate object,
feels it to be unattractive, exaggerates its bad qualities, and wishes to harm it.”
A. Buddhist teaching B. Robert John McCrary, Ph.D. C. John Lee D. John Bradshaw

8. The first real attempt to scientifically study anger was made by Walter Rudolph Hess in the 1920’s. T F

9. The brain releases Corticotophin‐releasing‐hormone (CRH) at the first sign of danger, which travels to the
adrenal gland and in turn stimulates the release of adrenalin and cortisol. T F

10. Which of the following does not occur during anger response?
A. sticky blood B. increased respiration C. adrenalin rush D. enhanced reasoning

11. Adrenaline increases…
A. lung capacity B. heart rate C. respiration D. All A, B and C

12. Anger management styles described in this course include:
A. Gesatlt, Venting
B. Behavioral Approaches, Cognitive Approaches
C. Prayer Meditation and Religious Based Discipline
D. All A, B and C

13. Gestalt Therapy focuses on helping the client to:
A. live in the here and now.
B. rewrite the past
C. have revenge fantasies, but not act them out

14. Webster’s dictionary says that to meditate is to 1) to focus one’s thoughts on; reflect or ponder over, 2) to plan
or project in the mind. T F

15. The Encyclopedia Britannica defines meditation as a private devotion or mental exercise consisting in any of
innumerable techniques of concentration, contemplation, and abstraction, regarded as conducive to
heightened spiritual awareness or somatic calm. T F

16. Alpha brainwaves are typical of daily waking hours when sensory input and reactive stimulations are
present.
T F
17. Most anger management patients have had a very happy childhood. T F

18. REBT means Rational‐Emotive Behavioral Therapy. T F

19. In the REBT system, irrational thoughts would be marked by:
A. should/should not B. must/must not C. canʹt stand D. All, A, B, and C

20. Questions Dr. Albert Ellis (REBT) suggests asking oneself as a means of identifying irrational belief systems are:
A. What irrational belief do I want to dispute and surrender?
B. Can I rationally support this belief?
C. What is the evidence for the falseness of this belief?
D. All, A, B, and C

21. “Anger intensifiers” listed in this course include:
A. Sleep Deprivation, Stress, Substances B. Sickness C. Lack of Sustenance D. All, A B and C

22. What is referred to as “an important tool in anger management?”
A. Journalizing B. Meditation C. Venting

23. How can a talisman help the anger management patient?
A. serves as a substitute for anger
B. serves as an object of happiness
C. C. serves as a reminder of who you really are and what you choose to be

24. “Active Listening” is “total,” “complete” or “whole body” listening. T F

25. Indicators that a person has an anger problem are:
A. You feel frustrated, disappointed or irritable much of the time
B. You never get angry
C. You feel powerless in your own life and powerless to make changes or reach goals
D. D. All A, B and C

26. Toxic Anger or Anger Addiction is commonly determined through gauging its…
A. frequency B. duration C. intensity D. All, A, B and C

27. When using “I” messages instead of “You” messages, what kind of verbiage should you avoid?
A. “I start feeling upset when you…”
B. “You always do such and such…”
C. “I feel powerless when you…”
D. Neither A, B or C


28. The first Mnemonic Technique offered is STOP. Please describe what the letter P stands for.
A. Pout
B. Preemptively Strike
C. Plan the most constructive course for yourself
D. Neither A, B or C

29. The second Mnemonic Technique offered, RISA suggests:
A. Realize that you have a problem. Identify the problem
B. Stop and Think. Act Appropriately
C. Stay Calm. Act as If
D. A and B

30. The signs that anger has become addictive include self‐stimulation, compulsion, obsession, denial,
withdrawal and craving. T F

31. Cursing during an argument helps keep things clear and manageable, releasing anger in a helpful and
healthy way. T F

32. Perhaps the greatest challenge to making changes in our lives, especially for those who have firmly
established patterns in a dysfunctional dance with others, is that the patterns of others are going to be
affected as well and they may counter the anger management patient’s attempts to change. T F

33. Which of the following is not one of the common “counter moves” employed by others to keep the subject
from changing their beliefs and behavior patterns?
A. “You are wrong.”
B. “We’ll accept your changes if you’ll help us change too.”
C. “Change back and we’ll accept you.”
D. “If you don’t change back there will be consequences.”

34. List the four general categories of anger.
A. Anger at the past, the present, the future, and generalized
B. Anger at mistakes, ignorance, clumsiness, misfortune
C. Anger at self, others, God, the world
D. Anger that is mild, moderate, intense, out of control

35. Anger at oneself is commonly regarded as the cause of depression. T F

36. When asking the question, “Why So Much Anger?” what are the top two factors cited by every authority on
the subject of anger?
A. fear and stress B. happiness and contentment C. too many acquaintances

37. According to a metaphysical approach to anger management, whether expressed or not, every being has an
innate desire to become aware of the harmony of true being. T F

38. The metaphysical counselor must always be:
A. working to “be unemployed”
B. be so efficiently successful in this healing work that no false dependencies develop
C. help others realize their absolute wholeness and complete self‐government
D. All A, B and C

39. Most health care professionals accept that faith and spirituality encourages and supports healing. T F

Anger Management

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