Broken.

Anxiety and Me

Avery Erickson
Dear Reader of this project,

I wish I had a more interesting story to tell. A story of friends, heroes,

and adventure. A story of a hero and a villain, surmounting
obstacles. However, this is not what is in store. Instead, you will be
getting a bitter taste of the thoughts of a clinically depressed and
severely anxious teen.

This is for all of those who want to show the world how they feel
inside, but are too silenced to make a peep. For those who are
drowned in sorrow daily, and feel the pressures of the world on their
back harder than any other. For those who have no voice, and those
who couldn’t survive.

These next pages will show you what it is like to be in our shoes.
Using multiple different genres of writing and creation, here is a
complete collection of my thoughts, struggles and trials, in
multigenre form.

Remember that you are never alone, no matter how grim and broken
you may feel.

-Sincerely,

Avery Erickson
 Magical-Happy-Pills™

Avery Erickson 12
N/A October 2014
Magical-Happy-Pills™, to treat-

-Severe social anxiety disorder

-Depression and suicidal thoughts
-An incurable mental storm of self doubt
-Insomnia caused by hellish nightmares
Just overall broken people

Take 3 Magical-Happy-Pills™ once a day, every day, for the rest

of your life.
Dumbass with a PHD

∞
 Why am I broken like this?

The date is October 14th, 2014. I look in the mirror and I see a shell of
a person staring back at me, directly in my eyes. Something is
different. I always remember feeling down to some degree, but I feel
like I’m drowning in my own sorrow. I’m being broken by
insecurities, backstabbing friends, hellish nightmares, faulty
relationships, and most of all the abusive monster I live with. I know
I love him deep down inside of me, but it is incredibly difficult to live
my life knowing that around every corner is an insult, jab, or punch.
I cry, not knowing why these emotions are so intense so… suddenly. I
can’t think, and my throat tightens up and I cannot speak. I am so
overcome by pain and anger, that I don’t move.

After calming down, I am too afraid to tell anybody what happened. I

don’t want to accept the fact that I am broken, and I don’t speak of it.
Months pass, and it is now December. Several more mental
hurricanes hit my emotions, and I continue to push them deep down,
and deny their existence. I enter the store with my dad, and he wants
me to practice checking out all by myself. I become reluctant, a new
behaviour coming out from inside. I start to walk, and my tongue
swells up like a balloon, and I cannot speak again. I am terrified, and
I do not understand. I break into a panic with tears, sweat, and
frustration once again. Why am I broken like this?
 Is there a light?

Me- I just hate being in this limbo zone, I feel so alone and it’s really
hard right now. I feel like I can’t do anything. I want to sleep all day
and cry and cry and cry. I am not okay, I need a light. Please help me
find a light.

Dr- It's been a few months now since you started with me, are you
improving at all? How is your motivation doing?

Me- I don’t know. This all sucks.

Dr- You have to find happiness yourself. And i’m here to support you
every step on the way.

Me- You say that, But I really don’t feel it. I don’t understand. I'm so
sad, and I feel like i’m being suffocated.

Dr- What can I do to help?

Me- I don’t know. I don’t know about anything right now.

 Broken

Broken, broken, broken,

Hopeless, helpless, heinous.
I see others happiness, and hate in self pity.
They think that I am fine,but inside I am dying.

Broken, broken, broken,

Worthless, weak, wrong.
Why would the world give me these problems,
When I can hardly hold on.

Broken, broken, broken,

Crying, clinging, churning.
When I look in the other’s eyes, I see the gears turning.
Their selfish thoughts inside their heads, clawing at my skin.

Broken, broken, broken,

Sadistic, scattered, strange.
Sitting in my own little corner,
Simply unwilling to change.

But I say that I’m okay,

But I say that I’m OK.
 Endnotes

Congrats. You make it through this cringe inducing paper. Here are
the endnotes, which go more into depth on each piece of this project.
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Title Page:
1- Hand holding graphic: This is to represent my inner relationship
with anxiety, and how it is part of me. A friend.
2- Shattered graphic (Repeated on each page): This is to show the
feeling of being broken and bleeding. It shows my weakness, and how
it is a part of me and who I am.
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Dear Reader Letter:
This is a slightly passive aggressive way to introduce my topic while
maintaining the feeling of darkness and pain. This is also to describe
what exactly my project is about.
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Prescription:
This is to represent my medication prescription labels and show how
I feel about my mental illnesses and the needs of medication.
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Story:
This is a true story about me and my experiences diving into a world
of black and white darkness.
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Dialogue:
This is a fictional dialogue between me and my first therapist. It
shows me reaching out, but not getting the help I need.
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Poem:
This is my most powerful piece, which is why it is at the end. It leaves
off on a bitter note, showing the inner demons inside, clawing out.
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