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LE AS THEY’RE RELEASED!
MORE ISSUES WILL BE ‘AVAILABI d iV vi L NUMBER 540
Depa rtments AUGUST 2016
1 The MAD Table of Contents
2 Random Samplings of Reader Mail
6 TheFundalin Pages
‘12 “Battyman v Stuporman: Dumb
and Joyless” (A MAD Movie Satire)
20 1s mo ace sere
22 Donald Trump vs, The Bible Hl
26 Pianeta
28 SAD‘ Tom Bunk Visits Coney Island
30 New Olympic Events That
‘Americans are Sure to Win
24 Visectomies Through History
32 Americas Civil War's :
Captain America Chil War
35 ‘The Official First Order Stormtrooper
Recruitment Pamphlet
Se) 20 eve cvseea
‘The MAD Strip Club
43 ‘The MAD Vault
46 Perks of the New $1,049
Disneyland Annual Pass
48 AMAD Look at Trees
54 Dating Tips for Ronda Rousey
56 this Week's Home Depot How-To Clinics
(2) atu saree DeparTMenT ss
* 4 Another Ridiculous Fold-In...Inside Back Cover
| [MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
KS} “Drawn Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragonés ‘COVER ARTIST: MARK FREDRICKSON
Various Places Around the Magazine BACK COVER PHOTOS: AP PHOTO/DAVID RICHARD (CLINTON), GETTY IMAGES/RALPH FRESO (TRUMP) Letters and
Tomatoes de
STATE OF CONFUSION
ove your magazine. only have one issue with it. Shocking, right?
My issue is that in the Letters and Tomatoes section you don't have
many letters from Michigan. only wish to see more. Now that I think
about it, I have lots more issues but I only have so mauch paper, so.
just fix that issue and we'll all it even.
Chase Simonds « Paw Paw, MI
simple Simonds — We have to admit that we were relieved to see your letter.
For years — decades, even — we've harbored an anti-Michigan bias that was
becoming unhealthy even for us. But when we read your harsh reprimand, we
had no other choice but to lookin the miror (a terifying proposition to be-
‘gin with), search within ourselves and print your damning missive. To you and
‘yout fellow Wolverine Staters, consider this a first step in the righting of our
‘wrongs. (But a word to all of you filthy Minnesotans out there: our prohibition
stil stands!) —€d,
ALFRED
LOOKALIKE
CCory Danger of Laguna Nigu
COA sent in this picture of his
‘20n, Eliott — a lad whe could
‘only be described as “more
than 2 little Alfred-esque.”
‘As with all fostured doppel-
‘gangors, wo offer our deapest
thanks for sharing, and even
doopor apologies for tholr lots
ex as
YOURWOEOF SHOWS WOE OF SHOWS
Tam 12 years old and Ihave been reading MAD since Iwas seven,
Recently, Iwas home sick from school with a stomach virus and had.
to watch an old show with my morn called Everybody Loves Raymond.
It was boring until a funny part came on where Raymond's brother's
brother-in-law gets really mad when he finds his parents throwing.
away all the “trash’ they find in his bedroom. All the trash was old
‘MAD magazines! Your magazines are now on old TV reruns!
Laila Wilson + Minerva, OH
‘Wilson of a Gun —Even though you dismiss Everybody Loves Raymond as
“boring” and “old” — assessments we pretty much agree with — the show
‘does cary a timeless message. Is it that despte petty bickering, family
should always come first? Or that sibling rivalry must be balanced with love?
Of course not! It's that MAD is useless garbage that should be disposed of
a quickly as possible! Thanks for the letter — now put ths plece of junk
‘here it belongs! —Ed.
SCHLOCK SUSPENSTORIES
‘My dad, Beneley Little, has been a dedicated fan since the
1980s and he gave me a subscription for my birthday several
years ago, My dad's a horror writer, and since there is
nothing more tervifying than MAD, Ihave convinced him
to mention your sad excuse for a magazine in one of his
books in my shameless attempt to get free junk. Here's a
copy of the page from The Consultant that mentions Alfred
E, Neuman:
Twas a man with the face of alfred E. Neuman,
Craig experienced a tingle of fear. He had never liked
the Mad magazine mascot. He knew the figure was
supposed to be comical, but there was something about
that perpetually grinning gap-toothed mouth that had
always creeped him out and set him on edge
‘Te was impossible to tell who was behind the mask:
Emerson Little « Fullerton, CA
Eminemerson — We're not surprised that Craig "experienced a
tingle of feat” when he saw Alfred's face; we get a similar feeling
‘ever time we see him. Although in our case, is just the vague
dread that comes with finishing up each issue of MAD. But would
you lke to know something TRULY terifying? Alfred E. Neuman
{sa trademarked character and your father isin clear violation of
‘copyright law. We hope that Mi. Hotshot-Hotror Writer fs ready to
“experience a tingle of bankruptcy"! —Ed.
HIRE LEARNING
am a recent college graduate and in the process of finding
a job. Now, this is not just any job, but a high school math
teaching position. Iam asking if you could be a reference for
ime. Ifanyone calls about me, here are my top three qualities:
1) Loyalty: [have been a MAD subscriber forthe last
three years,
2) Always on time: I have paid for your magazine before
my subscription ends.
3) Patience: Ihave read every single page of your “wonderful”
magazine for the ast three years.
"Thank you for your time and please put.a good word in for me!
‘Anthony Paldino - Bristolville, Ohio
Paldinosaur — You've put us ina very awkward situation. f we're
contacted by a potential employer (and that's a big "i" given
hhow completely unhie-able you seem), we're duty-bound to tell
the truth. And in light of the information you've provided, we
hhave avery different assessment of your qualifications. Here are
your most obvious faults.
1) Doesn't lear from mistakes — has been a MAD subscriber for
the last THREE YEARSI!!
2) Can't wait to waste money — pays for his magazine before his
subscription ends
23) Unapologetic masochist — has read EVERY SINGLE PAGE of|
‘our magazine for the last THREE YEARS!!!
Don't feel too bad —just remember the old saying, "Those who
«an, do. Those who can't, teach. And those who can't teach, read
Mab!" Ed. The MAD family experienced a loss on spill when longtime )
MAD staff member Lenny “The Beord” Brenner passed away. (9
He Joined MAD's art department in 1958 end retired as art
director in 1995. During those years there wasnt an issue of
MAD that Lenny waen' involved in — from designing page, to
laying out type, to wrapping the artwork to send to the printor.
Most readers will recognize Lenny from his “modeling” In the
magazine. Our thoughts and condolences go out to Lenny’s
children, grandchildren and family. Please check out our .
special tribute to Lenny in this issue's “MAD Vault” on page 43.
LETTER RIP!
I've been reading your magazine for almost 3 years now and I was wondering how do
you choose whose letters to print? Do you pick them out of a hat? Do you read them all?
Do you shred them all, then whoever on the staff can put them back together first gets
to choose which ones to put in the issue? Either way, I enjoy reading your magazine.
‘Thomas Alemu + Fullerton, CA
Remember the Alemu — Pick them out ofa hat? Who wears ahat these days? Baseball players?
Hipster douche-bombs? People with money to put aside fora "hat budget” ?!? Mo, its far simpler
‘than that We typically just pick the dumbest letters we can find — the dumber the better!
‘We get some real dopey ones, so you can bet that if we're printing it, it really x
represents the lowest depths of human stupidity! Thanks for writing! —Ed. &
John Favreau is a successful director, end his most recent movie, The Jungle Book, was huge
hit. So it makes zero sense when he says MAD was in any way an influence..
wanted to pack the movie lke a MAD Magazine.
| would study MAD Magazine From cover to cover;
‘the margins were Full oF detail | wanted to have
‘something going on in every comer oF the Frame, ws
‘there are treats everywhere. 5
INTO THIN ERR
Thave enclosed a picture of me at Everest Base camp
holding a copy of MAD, While trekking to Everest
Base Camp, I noticed something very odd. The higher,
the altitude, the funnier the magazine became! By the
time I got to base camp, Iwas laughing hysterically
and thought MAD was the best magazine ever! I excit-
edly called my wife on a satellite phone and told her to
renew my subscription immediately. Alas, when Ie
‘umed (0 sea level, I discovered that MAD was no lon.
‘ger funny. I finally realized that the lack of oxygen to
my brain at the high altitude was the reason I thought
MAD was funny. Since I don’t live in the mountains,
can I cancel my subscription and get a refund?
Bill Sullivan « Williamsville, NY
Sultan Wilder — Ah, Everest! Not many people know this,
but about 60% of our subscriptions are the result of someone
nat getting enough oxygen tothe brain —so we're quite
familiar with "The Everest Effect"! That o'pile of rocks has
been VERY good to us over the years We wish we could give
you a refund, but given the rambling, childlike tone of your letter, your brain i clearly
in very diminished capacty (even for a MAD reader). That cancellation would never hold up in court
Maye you can get a Sherpa to help explain the jokes to you! Fel better and enjoy your sub! —Ed. Letters and
Tomatoes
NETFLIX AND SHRILL
was disappointed you went with the name “Rank Underhand”
for your House of Cards spoof instead of the obviously more funny
‘Dank Underwear.” Please try harder in the futur.
Ryan Magnon + Redondo Beach, CA
PS. LIxnow that issue came out over four months ago, but my sub-
CORRECTIONS
We make mistakes. Alot of them. Ware not happy about them,
‘and wo'e not happy to be writing about them (because, lot's
face it, we'l probably make more mistakes trying to correct the
orignal mistakes). But correct them we must. Which Is why
we have to report that MAD #539 accklentally included an
inataiment of “The Darker Side of..The Lighter Side of" that had
previously appeared in MAD #527. Additionally for “A MAD
Look at Man Caves,” Tom Luth should have been eraclted
the colorist. We lso mistakenly reported that John Caldwell,
passed away on February 26, when In fact I was February 21
We apologize for the errors.
scription lapsed and now I'm forced to actually read your magazine
instead of just look at the pictures.
FOLLOW MAD ONLINE!
Looking for @ way to waste time AND open yourself Up to public
rileule? You're in hick! You can do both simply by liking us on
Facebook and folowing us on Tumblr and Twitter! It's a perfect
plan! Except forthe ridicule — but that's your problem not ours)
Filet Magnon — There are certain things that keep us up at night for example,
‘we live on a busy trucking route, beneath a bowing alley). But we can’t
‘around al day playing "Coulda Shoulda Would” (a Parker Bros. game
‘rom the arly 80 that, sadly, has long been out of print). Where were we?
Oh, right — regrets. We regret reading your letter — the time
‘we wasted is gone and lost forever. But that's life for you —
sometimes it's the mistakes that teach us the most, Ed
PS. We just realized that instead of "Filet Magnon” we should
have gone withthe obviously more funny “Magnon, PI.”
Damnit! This just isn't our year.
READER ALERT
If you had your letter printed in this issue, hoooo000
bboy ere you ever one lucky possum: Youll be getting
WWE: 100 Greatest Matches, courtesy of our pals
‘at DK; Poper Sumo AND Funnyt: Twenty-Five Years
of taughter from the Pixar Story Room from our
buds at Chionicle Books; Hip Hop Family Tree,
Book 4, from our chume at Fantagraphice; Star
Wars Galaxy: The Original Topps Trading Card
Series AND Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back:
The Original Topps Trading Card Series, courtesy
of our amigos at Abrams ComicArts and Lucastim;
‘and 2 DVD of Monty Python Live (Mostiy2: One
Down, Five to Go from our homies at Eagle Rock
Entertainment! What are you waiting for? Waite us &
letter and get the goods!
MAD #541 is on sale August 9th
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EDITORIAL
Charlie Kadau, Joe Raiola Senor Editors
Dave Croato cite
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ART DEPARTMENT Rectcper sony homme” Glen tang | pletion te
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THe FUNDAL
The Fast Five
HOW KOBE BRYANT IS
SPENDING HIS RETIREMENT
1 Reviewing video of himself watching last night’s game,
carefully assessing how effectively he sat there eating nachos
2 Setting up a youth basketball camp for precocious young
athletes...and then just freaking crushing them mercilessly
ina game of "HORSE"
33 Calling up sports radio shows and using various fake accents
to discuss the greatness of Kobe Bryant
A Dinner with the family: scored 81 pieces of meatloaf,
but needs to work on passing the potatoes
55 Heading down tothe retirement community center to show
those losers who the “Black Mamba’ of bingo is Its difficult to get to the
: refrigerator because of the ‘the house from an episode
meth lab in the kitchen. of Hoarders.
‘The owner is what is politely ‘Not only is the bed
termed a "cat lover.” not made, it’s occupied
by the homeowner.
Arn
Divas
—, —— Con
BOTTLE omer.
ETN
TRUVIA PaGes
Gimme a Flake
“That was when | sat on your shoulders
and made yor make terrible Life decisions.”
Serzone
Devaron
Effexor
Felucia
Paroxetine Fluoxetine
Dathomir Concord Dawn
Celexa
ridonia
The Startling Similarities and Differences Between
BEYONCE’S LEMONADE VIDEO
AND THE GAME OF THRONES
SEASON 6 a A
+ Featured bursts of pointless, unprovoked violence.
1 Was sixty minutes of tight, coherent storytelling annem!
# Jay Z loved it
‘© Had people scrambling to join Tidal...
«© Breasts were prominently disployed a nsnewneaninnnn
@QOQQOG: ~
g
Oo
— = avwwvenee)
+ anrgoR Marth ck en eno of dr tg
en Q)
©
©
+ Offered a silly, cartoon vision of revenge.
SV Viw a eeu st THe FUNDALiNi PaGes
The Fast Five
1 Got his legal start writing for Night Court back in the eighties,
2. Has recused himself from the ongoing Drake vs. Meek Mill debate.
Often uses a human embryo in ajar as a gavel, worrying both sides
of the abortion issue.
Has won praise from both Republicans and Democrats — which makes
him highly suspicious in the eyes of both Republicans and Democrats.
Issued a highly controversial ruling that Intelligent Design may be
taught in obedience schools, reasoning that, “Hey, they're just dogs.”
Unabridged Signs
That Tell It Like It Is
WEIGHT
LIMIT
10
TONS
(ryausy is vous.
HAD THE FONOS TO
REPAR TSWCE 197)
NEIGHBORHOOD
CRIME WATCH
WE ARE WATCHING
(FOR ANYONE WHO.
ISN'T CAUCASIAN)
Smells Like Katzenstein Spirit
“Et not you, Jane. It me, Tarzan.”
HOW JUSTIN BIEBER
CELEBRATED HIS 22ND
BIRTHDAY
Renting out the VIP room at Chuck €. cheese
Unwrapping presents given to him by his
‘squad of sycophants and hangers-on
Getting a new tattoo that shows his growing maturity:
‘a cartoon penguin smoking a joint on a hoverboard:
‘Treating himeelf to @ no-holds-barred
‘shopping spree at Build-a-Bear
Trying not to think about how depressing it
Is that he peaked five birthdays ago
Dropping thousands on a lavish party that he'
regret when he fles for bankruptey in 2023 ET DRENCHED
G inna
CeCe ge ke
CeO ae eee ceed aie
MAD history! It's yours FREE with a
Pret ca Ud
PR as
CCU RRC ae
of “Alfred’s Umbrella” (MAD #63)
ecu areata
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eit
Ce
ee
aM Ha AI CUR a iL ee
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fee eee on ee eee ae een
See tera ie eek eae THER aIPAGeSs
TRUMP
RECALLS
OTHER
TRAGEDIES
(Besides “7/11")
Lat
AY ve rust never forge
ot chins CHMABGN SCUARET
EY sett nore ies
itis hagened
(ease
aia
OFZ016
The Startling Similarities and
Differences Between
DONALD TRUMP AND BURGER
KING’S “ANGRIEST WHOPPER”
+ Has a disturbing, unnatural orangey-magenta hue.
+ Appeals to people's basest appetites.
“Is full of second-rate bull
* Might seem interesting at first, but you wouldn't,
want a steady diet of it for four year
EXCLUSIVE BONUS!
Lm WALD
RGU ahaa kt
+ Can make America great again...
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+ Has been at the dinner table ofa lower-middle-ciass fami...
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“Is the perfect, depressing embodiment of America in 2016.
10 1 KNOWN UPON 7!
HAVING COMPLETELY MAXED OUT THEIR CREDIT CARDS IN ORDER TO.
PAY FOR A SHADY, UNINFORMATIVE AND DUBIOUS COURSE OF STUDY, AND WITH
|ONORS AND PRIVI P
) THE FABULOUS, F
SLUSIVE TRUMP DEGRE
POMPOUS HUCKSTERS MASQUERAL
TIONED IS NOW QUALIFIED AT IDENTIFYING SLEAZY SCAMS PERPETRATED BY LOW-LIFE
Donald Trump
Undisputed fMlaster of B.S, a
President, Crump University ag d BATTTYMAN "
‘peace
Tun a company all day and hunt criminals,
"That's because | hate to sleep.
‘ightmares: my
‘my mother's bleeding | |
rom the movie Gigi
al nih
you can call me Grumpy Bat! Its nice bein
S20 billion, but | used to be worth $22 billion cost
. Some call me Blunder
iy to dust a stalactite? n anal toc-re
ita : the rarely-seen land of
isolated. When he fies his women, the Lifetime Channel! My motives
plane, I'm al
a video screen, Wh
fights,
headset. Damn!
use LAIN
shy and he e
Lax Truther
like Kanye
phic stroke,
"hates Battymant | triple hatey-hates Stuporman!
Talso hate my father, | nator and
L realy must hate Heath Ledger's Joker,
doing such a god-awful impression of bir!
That was the easy part! can't believe they
dragged two entire cities together! For 75 years in
‘the comic books, Gothic City and Necropolis
Battyman and
Stuporman IOUT WETHER YOU MATE OR WETHER YOU
CMT STAND 7 YoU 2
BY mI SA TUROY Ts $0 LAME
UPORM
ae
‘m sup.
me anymore. All of th
while monly direct
e cusading
for the Daily Pomegranate!
ta jure! Jeremy Irons! Jesse
Eisenberg! Ben Affleck! Diane Lane! FIFTEEN
‘Oscar nominations beta
Boy oh boy!
Tean't i -
Its the director, Zack Snyder! Even JM] Stop wait until ;ppen for another two hours!
‘off the job, he's al Battyman and Mf Sucldenly, the second season
Stuporman. | of H5O's True Detective seems
‘ight! like it was worth the wait! ‘Oh, come ON! Notagain! This | [ Grruhhh! JM That explains have
ie like the 78th time we've been | | Thad the wrecked or collapsed
shot! That's, Martha, no more| | same old nearly every skyscraper
‘doing out to the movies! From | | nightmare in downtown
now on, we Netfix and chill! | | " again! ‘Necropolis!
Except, ironically,
‘the Jenga Building!
If you could see our
pants, you'd know that I
we all evacuated ten fy
‘minutes ago! But
somebody has to stay
i ter tr
Ever since hundreds of thousands were crushed
to death in the battle of Necropolis, Ihave
Inka dinka doo! Greetings, Tshare your concern about Stuporman
Senaturles! Yes, it'strue,Tmthe unilaterally killing whoever he chooses,
naratively credible CEO of ihe wor’s J whe being anawerable no one.
Targest Industral company! Ptwangilt [|] T hat’s what drones are for! Some cal
° Piasglobal || hima hero, out whats 20 amazing about
‘an indestructible man fom space? 'm
3 Democratic Senator from Kentucky!
Which of us isthe rarer creature?
J im ii a
‘Whoops, my mistaket Clark Kan't! You're rl
‘This inert statue has so writing tomorrow's
much more energy and
personality than you do!
‘Stuporman
‘wouldn't
have HAD
fg | Fopomen
fe fault that |
eye
THAT BTATUE 8A MOUND TRIBUTE TO TH HAW YOO
Ao ces eucteveD BUILDINGS 0 HUNAN BONE
‘TeAOMEnT@ MM THe On ve SArED Ds Ct od
Bazingal I'm so glad you all could come to my fancy shmancy Youwanta quote ||P Isense that he's lying.
party! And by “youll” I mean only you three! Everyone else in ll for your paper? lam | Gut as an American
‘this room is as disposable asa pet hamster and as anonymous fl not Battyman, We reporter, mm forced
arenot ata party |¢ to copy down his quote,
need to retrieve the data more than Bruce Whine
does. 50 | devised an even better plan. Wait around for
somebody to hack the system, and then snatch their
‘device! LaxCorp’s files contain a hundred-year-old
photo of me, which 've got to aequire for no special
Feason, Because if there's one thing we know about
digitization, it's that if you can locate an ineriminating
‘hoto, no one else will ever have a copy of it again!
Yor obvious reasons Is unsecured ond located next to the
kitchen. Attach a flash drive, without knowing anything
about the amount of data! Wait a few minutes, scart down a
few balsamic shrimp crostini clusters, tiptoe back down and
ST My hallucinatory desert dreams are right! Stuporman i 2
Hey, this ie MY unintelligible menace! That's why 've GOT to intercept these trucks and
recog nightmare! How'd YOU a} ‘get that Kraptonite, need it to protect the people! As
into i, random obscure figure? | long as Stuporman is alive, no one is safe
WV 18 A PANEULLY BAFFLED AS TH AUDIENCE!
ANS ‘Whata tragedy! pf Yeah, i's tragedy
There were eight | that the other 92
. Senatorsat [] Senators were
thathearing! || someplace else!
ae
UB his committee is in session. Some- ff |. tuporman, do solemnly swear.
BY how we've given ourselves juris-_ ff] Then again, Ido EVERYTHING
W) diction on what 2 non-US. citizen [J] solemnly in this dreary movie
probably didn’t do in Afrcal My #1 superpower is grimacing!
IN THIS SCENE, iS SUPER-EARS CANT HEAR A BOMS THATS 15 FEET
11a? FROM HM. BUT LATER IN TIS MOVIE W'S GOING TO THOUSANDS
OF wt 2 HEAR LOVS GAME FLING THROUGH THE ARE
[a
‘Yeepy yelberton! My plan is working plan-tastically!_ iM Oooh-wah, Ispy with my litte eye one litle wrinkle. In retrospect,
The public blames Stuporman for the explosion, after seeing Battyman use a high-speed armored tank to try to
while forgetting all about the famous creepy billionaire pu steal my unique Kraptonite meteor, perhaps! shouldn’t have put
‘who was the enly person seen exiting the building iWinside a breakable glass display case, Incomprehensibly-costly
‘wo minutes before the blast! And that’s me! Hi, mel lesson learned! In conclusion, Magila, Magila, sarsaparilla!
Too late | learned this "S" on my chest stands for Tate that space alien How about 2
self-doubt! If only my feelings were invulnerable. And so and everything that he plunger? Krapton's
‘Stands for, soll use Scientists mastered
}}\| a dream, to see a vision that may or may not be my father, Doing interstellar tech
‘who may or may not be dead and hear his advice that may Whatcan! J nology, but their
‘or may not make any sense. Only then will achieve clarity! create for you? ff plumbing sucks!
i 7
PHILOSOPHICAL THEMES REMIND To save yo' mama, you must defeat Battyman.
Its the ultimate rivalry! Bigger than Coke vs. Pepsi!
Dog vs. hydrant! Smurfs vs. Gargameli
Humidifiers vs. dehumidifiers! Smooth vs. chunky!
‘Allow me to explain my plan. But unlike 2 James
Bond villain’: plan, mine makes absolutely no sense!
Ihired African terrorist, then waited for Lois Lame
to fel ike interviewing them, then killed them with
experimental prototype bullets that work exactly like
regular bullets! | knew the government would blame
you, because everybody knows that Stuporman
shoots people. Plus, nothing upsets the American
Ublic more than when terrorists get killed!
Thad to cuts deal win the Senator to allow my.
Kraptonite into the country, because even though
was plotting multiple mass murders, I wouldn't
want to get in any trouble with Customs, Meanwhile,
I gave Bruce Whine's former employee a bomb
wheelchair, o blow up the Senate hearing that
nobody was sure whether you were going to attend.
The lar of pee speaks for itself. Any questions?
nT ae
ay: ee ea aaron
WEEDING Ue A ARAM AND THEN Ste
A1S0 HAG A WIGHT OB ATA DIVER.
Yes! If you and Battyman both wanted to kill me,
why did you have to tick him into fighting me? | game
ny didn't you just team up? They think! was tying to retrieve my Jf Sut walt, whats this? Video of unknown
incriminating World War One photo- f] superheroes? | guess I'd better click on them,
‘raph But ihephoto | was REALLY Andm talking every. lastone, Nothing sells
worried about was the one of me having fl “next year's big screen blockbuster like grainy
‘sex with Babe Ruth in a Model T! ‘security footage from an ATM vestibule!
‘Aw, crud! | [Aw, rats! IF only 1d used my super-speed | [ Aw, shoot! Why didn’t | just fly
Ive totally ‘fo move out of the way when I saw int 10,000 miles per hour and
forgotten that | | | him throwing 2 Kraptonite grenade! | | super-kick his Batballs into orbit?
have heat vision! ‘Or even normal human speed! Half a second, fight over!
‘What did you say? WHAT did you say?
Ifonly had known that both of our
mothers were named “Martha,” wy.
ie never would have had to fight at all
lang, clang, dang went the
trolley! The blue space
meatball yet lives. Ohh,
Dumbsday, Dumbsday,
Dumbsday, | made you out of.
That's illogical, Ifyou felt was
too powerful to be trusted,
why would you create a
mindless beast of equal or
‘greater Kraptonian power who
‘efinitely can't be controlled?
Especially when you thought
might be dead anyway?
4 spe ED) Ka
‘TRAN WRECK etek TO NOURGY DOLE Tar woe.
[on Ws MOM MISTOWY ox a0 8 POROET ‘et OM PERENGE DETIEN Tits SOREEN PLAY oA KET
soon mes a? waa Se “a svclswoe" TEE an Rcaow TeeT uate Pee NOLES Tim going to throw
something heavy at him,
‘and then punch him,
‘And if that complex
strategy doesn't work,
Viltry punching him
‘and THEN throwing
‘something at hi
‘And I'M going to prove that
itis in fact possible to smile
in this otherwise ceaselessly
‘depressing movie! That's
another reason Iretrieved that
old photo. A worldwide war
and the Spanish flu epidemic
remind me of happier days!
President Cipher, what ls your decision?
‘We've been closely monitoring the situation for
the last four seconds, and have no idea what's
happening. lam sworn to protect the citizens
from harm, s0 let's shoot a nuclear bomb at the
‘two of them directly over millions of people! |
bet the survivors will be glowing with gratitude!
‘Atleast that nuclear bomb fixed Jf Why don’t you just hand the spear to
‘my facial scar, as nuclear bombs me? That green stuff doesn't affect,
‘tend todo. And now, despite [me at lll And in case you haven't
the agonizing pain from this [} noticed, 'mthe only one here who's
Kraptonite, must sacrifice my life || actualy been inflicting damage to
to.resolve my inner torment about | | the Mucinex Man! Blunder Woman
the intrinsic value of heroism, in theaters next June!
HS CBVOUSLY BOGUS DEATH SCENE'S Wis" Qa
PAsSae FOR EMOTION INTHIS STORY. BUT WAS SADDER
Ion’ like
Believe me, if any caped
loser is going to leap tall
buildings in a single bound,
that building is going to say
heroes who die,
Now that Lax Truther
isin jail, that created a
job opening for the next
free-assoctating billionai
‘hole who slaps his nam
‘on everything, and hates
‘undocumented aliens!
mo heart.
broken. 'm going
to deeply miss
that total stranger
‘who I spent
years plotting
‘to murder.
The entire world shares your J,
random and arbitrary change
‘of heart, after seeing the
violent death of a man that
tens of millions had come to
fear and despise. Which means
there's still hope for Bill Cosby!
"TRUMP" on it! And Stan
Lee is going to pay for it!
y,
(HEY, ONT ASK ME FOR MELE. IMA THE
yj “asrae oF RIDDLES iN WORD-
JUSTICE Vis SUPPOSED 10 MEANT Ss Eon
ES
Resco
Rexeenees
esc e
pec ee
$PYs(0) ‘And lo, it came to pass that the carrot-hued man with
hair of finely woven grain did say, “Nothing beats the
Bible, not even The Art of the Deal." And there was
And he said to ing, and even more chortling. And the man
“ ‘and he did say, “What's my favorite book?
them, “Take care, 35 hard formeto
and be on your turn down money,
guard against aff | because that's what
Tve done in my
covetousness, for whole life. [grab and
one’s life does grab and grab. You
ne know I get greedy. I
not consist in the ‘want money, money. fi 4 0
abundance of his bent 2/2/2016
Possessions. —
— Luke 12:15
When you give a feast,
invite the poor; the crippled,
the fame, the 6lind.
— Luke 14:13
I don't like losers.
Donald 7/8/2015,
When a sentence is not
executed at once against a
crime, the human heart is
encouraged to do evil.
— Ecclesiastes 8:11
could stand in the middle of Fifth
Avenue and shoot somebody, and
Twouldn’t lose any voters, okay?
It’s, like, incredible.
Donate 1/23/2016
And if any man will sue thee,
and take away thy coat, (et
fiim fiave thy cloak also.
— Matthew 5:40
‘Throw them out. Throw them
out into the cold, Don't give them
their coat. No coats
= Donald 1/7/2016
et ‘The Bible!..We take the Bible all the way!” And there
was great tumult, and the cable news did rend asunder.
‘And the man spoke unto the masses for a third time,
proclaiming, “The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't Do not have sexual relations with both a
want to get into specifies.” But we do woman and her daughter..-They are close
= relatives, and this would be a wicked act.
a l bral e Leviticus 18:16-17
= She does have a very nice figure. I've said
if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps
2 DB. 6 L Td be dating her
D jC oe) tC — Donald 3/6/2006
I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but
whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek,
tum to him the other also.
— Matthew 5:39
When someone crosses you, my advice is
i “Get Even!” That is not typical advice, but it
is real life advice. If you do not get even, you
are just a schmuckt... love getting even
=Donals 1/1987
An intelligent heart acquires
Rnowledge, and the ear of the
wise seeks Rnowledge.
Proverbs 18:15
‘We won with poorly educated.
Love the poorly educated.
— Donald 2/23/2016
Whoever conceals hiis transgressions
will not prosper, but fe who confesses
and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
— Proverbs 28:13
I don't think I've made mistakes. Every
time somebody said I made a mistake,
they do the polls and my numbers go up.
so guess I haven’t made any mistakes.
- onald 8/15/2015 Thou shalt not An extremely credible Blessed are the meek, for
bear false witness sour called my they will inherit the earth.
i office and told me that
Spar thy Barack Obama's birth al SSEEEDES
neighbor. certificate is a fraud. : ;
ex a ear Show me someone without an ego,
eae Oe pease ra and I'l show you a loser. Having
a healthy ego, or high opinion of
yourself, is a real positive in life!
Do not associate with a simple babbler. lero
— Proverbs 20:19 er ae
[Lincoln] was a man who was of great
intelligence, which most presidents would be.
But he was a man of great intelligence, but he
n who did something that was
avery vital thing to do at that time. Ten years
before or 20 years before, what he was doing
would never have even been thought possible.
So he did something that was a very important
thing to do, and especially at that time.
Donald 3/31/2016
Do not say, “I will repay evil.”
Wait for the Lord, and he will
deliver you.
— Proverbs 20:22
Ifyou see somebody getting ready to
throw a tomato, knock the crap out
of them, would you? Seriously. I will
pay for the legal fees, I promise.
Donald 2/1/2016
Who among you is wise and understanding?
Let fim show By fis good behavior his deeds
inthe gentleness of wisdom. — __ James 3:13
Sorry losers and haters, but my 1.Q.
is one of the highest—and you all
know it! Please don't fer
or insecure, it's not your
— Donald 5/8/2013, ude
extras
spect ag ustren™
MAD’s new Spy vs Spy anthology celebrates 150 classic
adventures, now masterfully colorized for the first time.
LIBERTY
7 (© 2015£¢.Publeston ne. Published by Liberty Stee, an imprint ot Ti ne. aks. lights reserved
STREET en
| PLANET TA
posing pio ttnd 2 taj Wee WHILST
YOU'RE READING
THIS, MORE
HIGHLY-EVOLVED
MAD READERS
HAVE ALREADY
PROCEEDED
TO THE
NEXT PAGE.
ae = @, wa visits CONEY ISLAND
pe ea
To generate
even more interest in
the Olympics, organizers
have considered adding
modern sports to the
‘games. We think this is a
great idea—especially
It they choose
these.
THE 10,000 METER
DRIVE-AND-TEXT
Competitors must complete an obstacte course while
Carrying on a long-winded text conversation with a friend
‘who has just broken up with her boyfriend. Scores are
‘based on spelling, punctuation and how many things
they hit while searching for just the right emo. gy
Pretentious craft beer drinkers from around the world vie
{or the title of Worla's Biggest Beer Snob. Contestants
‘must be able to make condescending remarks about 2
Drew's "hoppiness” and use words like “complicated”
and “risqué” without getting punched inthe face.
New
Olympic
Events That
Are Sure
to Win
SYNCHRONIZED
‘SELFIES
Commitment to duck face, contrat
of the selfie stick and avoiding
hotobombs are all requirements
for taking home a medal inthis
event. Each seltle must contain a
team of three athletes: the phone
owner, her best friend and the gil
the best friend brought who for
some reason thinks she has to be
inthe photo even though she's,
like, totally not part ofthe group.
v
a9 |S) >
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