CAL AND GRADY

Episode 4: "No Pools Were Cleaned on the 3rd of July"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2018
INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT (CAL’S BEDROOM) - DAY
CAL (28) is sleeping. GRADY (28) walks into his bedroom.
GRADY
Dude. Get up. We got to go to work.
CAL
I’m skipping work, so I can
celebrate the third of July

GRADY
You’re supposed to wait a day, and
celebrate the fourth of July.
CAL
No, bro. I watched The History
Channel, and they said that George
Washington chopped down a mango
tree, and not a cherry tree.
GRADY
And?

CAL
And, if you, like, extrapolate the
data, it means the fourth of July
is actually on the third of July.

GRADY
Dude. It doesn’t matter if the
fourth is on the third or who’s on
first or what’s on second. We still
gotta clean McConaughey’s pool on
the third, which is today.

CAL
Horsepucky! The union says I get
the day off.
GRADY
I own the company. You’re my only
employee. There’s no union. You
can’t have a union where it’s just
one employee.

CAL
I can have that union. All I gotta
do is unite with myself.
Cal puts his hands in his pants.
 2.

GRADY
Good for you and your union, bro.
CAL
I demand the day off. And I demand
fifty percent of the company’s
profits.
GRADY
Dude. I pay you half of the
profits. That’s enough. I’m not
gonna pay you fifty percent of the
profits. I’ll only do half of the
profits, and not a penny more.
CAL
We, the union, reject your offer of
half. We demand fifty percent.
GRADY
Here’s my counteroffer. You can
kiss fifty percent of my ass.

CAL
Well, as the head of the union, I’m
going on strike.
GRADY
Two can play at that game. As the
owner of the company, I’m going on
strike.
Grady puts his hands in his pants.

EXT. HOT DOG STAND - DAY

Cal and Grady are seated at a table and eating hot dogs.
CAL
Man. Striking is freaking crazy.

GRADY
Well. That’s the way it goes, bro.
People strike.
CAL
I wonder how long the strike is
gonna last.
GRADY
Your strike or my strike?
 3.

CAL
I don’t know. Let me think. Let’s
see. I was watching The History
Channel one time, and they said
that when Julio Cesar Chavez had a
strike, he stopped eating grapes.
GRADY
Yeah. If we want to do this strike
like badasses, we gotta stop eating
grapes.

They continue eating for a few seconds.

CAL
Dude. I could really go for some
grapes right now.

GRADY
Bro. We just started the no grape
thing five seconds ago. You can’t
start eating grapes five seconds
into a no grape strike.

CAL
Well. I mean. This no grape thing
has gone on for long enough.
Besides. Grapes have no relevance
to our industry. How about we do a
no water thing instead of a no
grape thing?
GRADY
No water?

CAL
Yeah. ’Cause, I mean, we’re pool
cleaners. We do water. Not grapes.
GRADY
Fine. We’ll protest water.
CAL
Yeah. No more water. Let’s go buy
some grapes.

GRADY
The hell with grapes! You know what
I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get a job,
so I can work during the strike.
That’s what badasses do.
 4.

CAL
Yeah. I’ll do that, too. I’m gonna
get a job. After I buy some grapes.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

DENNIS (55) and Grady are seated in a small office.
DENNIS
Okay, Grady. You’re now an employee
of my company. We are the largest
chamomile tea importer north of the
Eastern Hemisphere. Alright. Now,
watch me as I run my company that
imports chamomile tea. Watch real
closely.

They sit silently for a while.

GRADY
Um. Let me ask a question, dad.
What do you do here?

DENNIS
Well. There’s chamomile tea in some
other place. So my company is all
like, "Hey. You know how there’s
chamomile tea in some other place?
Let’s import that chamomile tea, to
not some other place. Let’s import
it to this place."
GRADY
But what do you do to import the
tea?
DENNIS
I sit in this chair.
TOMMY
And...?
DENNIS
And when the chamomile tea gets
here...

He takes out a one item checklist attached to a clipboard.

DENNIS
I checkmark this box that says
"chamomile tea." That’s part one.
 5.

GRADY
What’s part two?
DENNIS
Part two is, after the tea gets
here, I wait for some other truck
to pick up the tea and deliver it
to my buyer.
GRADY
And?

DENNIS
And then I put a smiley face next
to the checkmark. And that’s part
two.

GRADY
What’s part three?
DENNIS
Part three involves waiting for
more chamomile tea to get here.
GRADY
That’s the same as part one.
DENNIS
Right. Yeah. Part three is a repeat
of part one. And part four is a
repeat of part two. And part five
is a repeat of part three. And part
six...

GRADY
What kind of a job is this? There’s
no action. Like, let me ask you
this. Where do you import your tea
from?

Dennis turns to BOB (40), who’s sitting at the desk next to

him.
DENNIS
Bob--where do we import our tea
from?
BOB
Fekmekistan.
DENNIS
(to Grady)
Fekmekistan.
 6.

GRADY
Is that in Idaho or something?
DENNIS
No. It’s one of those Pacifical
countries. It’s next to, like, um,
Maruda, and the DaGilligan
Republic. The Skipper, too.
GRADY
So we’re just gonna sit around, and
wait for tea to get here?
DENNIS
... Yes.
They sit silently for a while.

Dennis looks at the paper on his clipboard. Then he takes a

bag of cocaine out of his pocket, pours its contents onto
the paper, and snorts the cocaine in one swoop.
GRADY
Uh. One more question, dad.
DENNIS
Let me guess. You want to know what
color the checkmark is.

GRADY
No. I want to know what you just
snorted a line of.
DENNIS
Oh. Right. Yeah. That’s part two
and a half. Like, while I wait for
the chamomile tea to get here, I
snort cocaine.
GRADY
How can do afford all that cocaine?
DENNIS
Bob--how do I afford all that
cocaine?

BOB
Well. Take a look at our company’s
financial documents.
He hands Dennis a cocktail napkin, and Dennis reads off of
it.
 7.

DENNIS
Chamomile Tea Sales: two hundred
forty seven million dollars.
Chamomile Tea Expenses: one hundred
eighty seven million dollars. Bob’s
Salary: sixty thousand dollars.
Printer Ink: eight cents. Cocaine:
fifty nine million, nine hundred
thousand dollars. Net Profit:
thirty nine thousand nine hundred
ninety nine dollars, and ninety two
cents.
GRADY
You gotta cut down on your
expenses.

DENNIS
(snorts another line of
cocaine)
I agree.
(to Bob)
Bob--we gotta use less printer ink.
GRADY
When I said "expenses," I wasn’t
talking about printer ink.

DENNIS
Right.
(to Bob)
Bob--you’re fired.
GRADY
I wasn’t talking about Bob’s
salary. I was talking about the
fifty nine million dollars you
spend on cocaine!
DENNIS
Listen, Grady. I snort genuine
Colombian yayo. I’m not gonna
switch to Panamanian yayo just to
save twenty five mil a year. If
we’re gonna cut down expenses, how
about we go down to Fekmekistan,
and negotiate tea prices directly
with the Fekmexicans.
BOB
They’re called Fekmekistanis.

Dennis snorts some more cocaine.

 8.

DENNIS
The Skipper, too.

EXT. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY’S BACKYARD - DAY

Cal is standing by the pool, and holding a trash can.

Matthew McConaughey approaches him.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Cal. Where’s Grady?

GRADY
He’s on strike.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Hm. One more question. How come
you’re here in my yard, but you’re
not cleaning my pool?
CAL
Because I’m also on strike. By the
way--happy third of July.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Touche.
Cal shows Matthew McConaughey the trash bag.

CAL
You want some grapes?
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Is that a trash bag filled with
grapes?

CAL
Indeed it is. Forty seven pounds.
Wait a second. I just thought of a
great idea. I can use these grapes
to make wine, and then I’ll sell
the wine as my job while I’m on
strike as a pool cleaner.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Cal. Do you know how many
screenplays I get every month with
that exact same plot?
CAL
How many?
 9.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
None. I mean, I get a lot of dumb
screenplays--but nothing as dumb as
that.
CAL
Are you saying that you want to be
part of my winemaking business?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Absolutely. Let’s get started. Now,
if we want to make wine, the first
thing we gotta do is track down an
Italian woman with strong feet. I
learned that from I Love Lucy.

EXT. FEKMEKISTANI STREET - DAY

Dennis is holding a Disneyland Map. Grady is standing near
him.

DENNIS
Alright. According to this map, the
teacups are that way.
GRADY
Dad. That’s a map of Disneyland.
DENNIS
So?
GRADY
We just landed in Fekmekistan.
DENNIS
Right.
(to a Fekmekistani Man)
Excuse me, akhmigo. Can you tell us
a little something about your
country?
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
Well. Let’s see. Fekmekistan is an
ali-garchy.
GRADY
What the hell is an ali-garchy?
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
It is a form of government where
there are five leaders, and they
all have the name is Ali. That’s an
ali-garchy.
 10.

DENNIS
Very interesting. What else can you
tell us about Fekmekistan?

FEKMEKISTANI MAN
Well. Our chief products
are camels, cocaine, and chamomile
tea.

DENNIS
And where can we buy a few tons of
chamomile tea?
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
At the the FCC. The Fekmekistani
Chamomile Company.
Dennis looks around, and sees dozens of large buildings that
say FCC, along with a few camels walking around on dirt
roads.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - DAY

AGNES (80) is watching TV. Cal and Matthew McConaughey
enter.

CAL
Agnes. We just started a winery.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
(to Agnes)
Do you have strong feet?

CAL
(to Agnes)
And are you Italian.
AGNES
I hate Italians. I’m white.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Italians are white.
AGNES
They’re not white enough. Conan
O’Brien is white. Rocky Balboa is
off white. Apollo Creed is very off
white, a.k.a a negro.
CAL
Agnes. Can we please focus on
something serious--like business?
 11.

AGNES
Fine. Talk about business.

CAL
OK. I bought forty seven pounds of
grapes, and I’m trying to turn them
into wine via an Italian woman.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
With strong feet.
AGNES
I’m just saying. Rocky would be a
much better movie if Rocky Balboa
were Irish guy named Angus
McMacMcDougal.

NT. FCC - DAY

Dennis and Grady walk into some sort of a store / business.
A WOMAN greets them.
WOMAN
Welcome to the FCC. What do you
want?

DENNIS
Ten tons.
WOMAN
OkaK. That’ll be forty
three billion Fekmekistani rubles.

DENNIS
Grady--do you have any Fekmekistani
rubles on you? I’m all out.
GRADY
I’m all out, too. Plus, I’m pretty
sure Fekmekistani rubles are a
bullshit currency.
WOMAN
Fekmekistani currency is backed by
camel shit--not bullshit.
DENNIS
Can we pay in US dollars?
WOMAN
Sure. Forty three billion
Fekmekistani rubles is equal to
five hundred dollars.
 12.

DENNIS
(to Grady)
Okay, son. Here’s where we
negotiate.
(to Woman)
Five hundred dollars?! Come on,
akhmigo. I didn’t come to
Fekmekistan to pay high prices like
that. How about less than five
hundred dollars?

WOMAN
I can’t do any better than five
hundred. Except for four hundred. I
can do that. And I must admit, it
is better than five hundred. But
let me just say this. I cannot do
any better than four hundred.
Except for maybe three hundred.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - DAY

Cal, Agnes, and Matthew McConaughey

CAL
You know what? Forget about grapes
and Italian women. Our winery has
to eliminate the middleman.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Who’s the middleman?
CAL
The Italian women. And the grapes.

AGNES
Well then how are you gonna make
wine?

CAL
Wine is alcohol and grape juice.
And, the thing is, I can buy
alcohol in the form of Vic’s Vodka,
which is twelve dollars a gallon.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Wait a sec. Are you talking about
Vic’s Very Dirty Vodka?
 13.

CAL
Yes. That’s the one.
AGNES
I never drink vodka. Vodka is
Russian. I drink Scotch whiskey,
made by extremely white people.
CAL
Well. That’s your personal alcohol
preference, Agnes. But, like, I’m
running a wine business. Which
means I’m gonna mix cheap vodka
with cheap grape juice. The grape
juice that they sell at the Ninety
Nine Cent Store. The one that
costs, um, like...

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Ninety nine cents.
CAL
Yes. Exactly, Matthew McConaughey.
Man. You’re really good at math.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
I think so, too. One time, I
counted all the way to a hundred. I
got all the integers.

INT. BUDGET RENT-A-CAMEL-OR-SHIP

Dennis and Grady walk in. A MAN greets them.

MAN
Welcome to Budget
Rent-a-Camel-or-Ship.
DENNIS
Hi. We need to deliver some stuff
to America.
MAN
I see. So, do you want to rent a
camel, or a ship?

DENNIS
A camel.
GRADY
What about the ocean?
 14.

DENNIS
What ocean?
GRADY
The one between here and America.

DENNIS
(to Man)
Do camels know how to swim?
MAN
No.
DENNIS
Well. Then, I guess we’ll rent a
ship.

MAN
OK. Here are the keys.
He hands Grady a keychain attached to two giant keys.
MAN
When you land the ship in America,
just take to it your nearest Budget
Rent-a-Camel-or-Ship.
GRADY
We don’t have Budget
Rent-a-Camel-or-Ship in America. We
have Budget Rent-a-Car.
MAN
Oh. That’s weird. But, um, yeah. I
guess you can give the ship to
them.

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT / DINH’S HOME - DAY

Cal leaves his home, walks over to his neighbor Dinh’s home,
and rings the bell. DINH (45, Vietnamese, thick accent)
opens the door.
DINH
Are you here for my real estate
seminar?
CAL
No.
 15.

DINH
What do you mean "no?" Listen,
baby. I can show you how to make a
fortune in real estate. For
instance, you can use reverse
toileting.
CAL
What the hell is reverse toileting?
DINH
Well. You buy a home, remove all
the toilets, and then sell the home
for a one hundred thousand dollar
reverse profit.
CAL
Yeah. I’ll have to try that out.
But, uh, I was just wondering. When
all those guys come over to your
house every Thursday night, what do
you all do?

DINH
Well. We’re Vietnamese. So that
means we gamble, baby. All night.
CAL
And do you drink?
DINH
Well. We’re Vietnamese gamblers. So
that means we drink, and smoke, and
say things like, "Deal me in,
baby." Vietnamese gamblers use the
word "baby" more than white people
use the word "the." You know what
I’m saying, baby?
CAL
Listen, baby. My winery just came
out with a new wine. Retail price,
five million dollars a bottle. But
I’m gonna give you the introductory
rate of just ten dollars a bottle.

DINH
Wine? We’re Vietnamese gamblers,
baby. We drink the hard stuff. Come
to my real estate seminar.
 16.

CAL
Oh. Well. My wine is, you know,
like, um--it’s specially formulated
for Vietnamese gamblers. It’s
called "Bong Sing Choc Fi." That
means "Really Good Strong Wine For
Vietnamese Gamblers."
DINH
That’s not what it means, baby.
"Bong Sing Choc Fi" means "I have
too much pubic hair."
CAL
Right. My wine is called "Fo Shei
Du Tu."

DINH
Your underwear is made of chicken
feathers?
CAL
How do you say "Really Good Strong
Wine" in Vietnamese?
DINH
"Sao Pshay Me Foo."
CAL
Right. How many bottles do you
want?
DINH
Ninety six, baby.

EXT. FEKMEKISTANI HARBOR - EARLY EVENING

WORKERS are loading sacks onto a ship, while Dennis
supervises, and Grady makes a phone call.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

Cal answers his phone.

CAL
What’s going on, bro?
(Back and forth between the Apartment and the Fekmekistani
Harbor)
 17.

GRADY
Dude--I’m just waiting for the
strike to end. And in the meantime,
I’m working with my dad
in Fekmekistan.

CAL
Awesome. I’m working in the wine
industry, by mixing grape juice
with Vic’s Vodka.

GRADY
Vic’s Vodka? You know, that stuff’s
not made from potatoes. It’s made
from radishes, rope, and concrete.
If you drink more than three shots,
you’ll start thinking you’re a
pirate.
CAL
Well. I put, like, seven shots of
vodka in each bottle of my wine.
And I sold eight cases of that wine
to Dinh. He’s drinking it right now
with his Vietnamese gambler
friends.
GRADY
Hm. Well. I guess that might lead
to a Vietnamese kickboxing royal
rumble.
CAL
Hm. I’m gonna go check it out.
Later.
GRADY
Later.

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

Cal walks out of his home, and over to Dinh’s home. He looks
in the window, and sees Dinh and 5 VIETNAMESE MEN beating
the crap out of each other.

EXT. SHIP / SEA - EARLY EVENING

Dennis and Grady are on a ship sailing in the sea. Dennis is
looking at his Disneyland map.
 18.

DENNIS
According to this map, we’re
currently sailing past Space
Mountain.

GRADY
Dad--will you please put away that
Disneyland map? Use this map.
Grady hands him another map.

DENNIS
Right. Yeah. According to this map,
we’re currently sailing past
Dukdukgoosistan.
They lookand see a bunch of DUKDUKGOOSISTANIS playing a game
of Duck Duck Goose outside.
DUKDUKGOOSISTANI MAN
Okay. This game is to see who
becomes the new President. Ready?

He starts patting people’s heads and going around the

circle.
DUKDUKGOOSISTANI MAN
Duck, duck, duck, duck...

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT (CAL’S BEDROOM) - DAY

Cal is in bed. He wakes up. He walks out of his room...

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

...through the living room, and out of the front door...

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - DAY

...and over to Dinh’s home. He rings the doorbell, and Dinh
answers it.
DINH
Good morning, baby. Did you come
for my real estate seminar?
CAL
Uh. No. I was just wondering. How
did last night go?
 19.

DINH
Oh. You know. The usual. We played
some poker, we smoked, we drank,
and we beat the living shit out of
each other.
CAL
That’s the usual? You usually beat
the living shit out of each other?

DINH
Of course, baby. I mean, we’re
Vietnamese gamblers--not
Singaporean dental hygienists.
Actually, no. Bad example.
Singaporean dental hygienists are
extremely violent. If you ever get
tooth decay in Singapore, don’t go
to a dental hygienist, baby.
CAL
Well. Um. What about the wine I
sold you yesterday?
DINH
We drank it all, baby.

CAL
Great. Do you want another eight
cases?
DINH
I don’t think so, baby. Your wine
tastes a little too much like dey
shi no ming chao singh doh chi fo
lein pu sing.
CAL
What does that mean?
DINH
Kibbles and Bits.

EXT. SHIP / SEA - DAY

DENNIS
Alright. America is in sight. Let’s
get ready to unload the chamomile
tea. Take these bags to the back of
the ship.
Grady attempts to pick up one of the bags.
 20.

GRADY
This seems way heavier
than chamomile tea.
DENNIS
That’s because they gave us
powdered, concentrated, white
chamomile. See?
Dennis opens the bag and shows its contents to Grady.

GRADY
This is powdered, concentrated,
white chamomile?
DENNIS
What else could it be? I mean, it’s
way too white, way too powdered,
and way too heavy to be normal
chamomile.
GRADY
Well. It might be cocaine.

Dennis snorts some powder from the bag.

DENNIS
OK. Now this is why I only snort
Colombian yayo. Fekmekistani yayo
isn’t as good.
He snorts some more.
DENNIS
I will say this, though.
Fekmekistani yayo is really good.
He snorts some more.
He takes out his phone and makes a call.

WOMAN (ON PHONE)

FCC. How can I help you?
DENNIS
Um. I made a large purchase from
you earlier today. And you guys
gave me cocaine.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
Right.
 21.

DENNIS
Where’s the chamomile?
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
What chamomile?

DENNIS
The chamomile tea I bought from
you.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
We don’t sell chamomile the.You got
us mixed up with the FCC--the
Fekmekistani Chamomile Company.
We’re the the FCC--the Fekmekistani
Cocaine Company.
GRADY
You just said "FCC" twice. And you
emphasized the second C both times.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
Right. The Fekmekistani Chamomile
Company is the FCC. And
the Fekmekistani Cocaine
Corporation is the FCC. As opposed
to the Fekmekistani Camel
Company--which is the FCC.

DENNIS
Well. That clears everything up.
He hangs up.
GRADY
Okay. We’ve got ten tons of
Fekmekistani yayo on this ship.
DENNIS
Do you think we’ll be able to trade
it for six tons of Colombian yayo?

GRADY
I don’t freaking know the
conversion rates between
Fekmekistani yayo and Colombian
yayo. But I do know that all yayo
is illegal in America.
DENNIS
What if it’s medicinal yayo? I have
glaucoma.
 22.

They arrive in some sort of port, and an INSPECTOR

immediately gets on their ship.
INSPECTOR
Do you have anything to declare?

DENNIS
I have glaucoma.
INSPECTOR
What’s in those bags?

DENNIS
Tea.
INSPECTOR
Well. You’re gonna have to pay
taxes on that tea. Now let me take
a look at it.
DENNIS
(loudly, so a bunch of MEN on
land nearby can hear)
I have to pay taxes on this tea, on
the Fourth of July!?
The Men look at Dennis.
INSPECTOR
Well. Yeah.
DENNIS
(loudly)
Let me show you something.

He holds up his Disneyland Map.

DENNIS
(loudly)
This is the Declaration of
Constitution. And in Episode Three,
Article Four, Route Sixty Six, it
says, "Read my lips: no tea taxes!"
MEN
Yeah! This is America!

DENNIS
(to the Men)
Patriots! Come aboard this ship,
and let’s do the American thing,
and dump this tea in an ocean.
 23.

MEN
Yeah!

The Men get on the ship, and they and Dennis dump the bags
into the ocean and chant:
MEN & DENNIS
(chanting)
Read our lips / No tea taxes / Read
our lips / No tea taxes

EXT. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY’S BACKYARD - DAY

Cal and Agnes are watching TV, and they’re each holding a
bottle of Cal’s brand of wine and taking swigs.
CAL
Well. I’m out of the wine-making
business. This is the last of my
inventory--aside from the bottles I
have in our wine cellar.
AGNES
We don’t have a wine cellar.
CAL
Oh. Well then, our bathroom.
Grady walks in through the front door.
GRADY
What up?

CAL
Happy day-after-the-3rd-of-July.
AGNES
You mean, the fourth of July?
CAL
I don’t believe in that date.
Because, like, George Washington
chopped down a mango tree.

AGNES
So?
CAL
Hm. Well. I never thought of things
like that. I guess you’re right.
Happy Fourth of July. Let’s
celebrate. You guys want to go
swimming?
 24.

GRADY
Well. If we do, we probably
shouldn’t swim in the ocean. Right
now the ocean’s water is ninety
nine percent Fekmekistani cocaine.

CAL
Which ocean?
GRADY
I don’t know. The one that’s in
between Fekmekistan and America.
(notices them drinking wine)
Agnes--why are you drinking wine? I
thought you were whiskey only.
CAL
We’re just drinking the inventory
from my winery.
Agnes finished her bottle, and then throws it against the
wall.

AGNES
Someone go to the bathroom and get
me another bottle.
GRADY
(to Cal)
Bro. How much money is your winery
making?
CAL
Well. I sold ninety six bottles to
Dinh, and then no bottles to
anyone, and then I declared
bankruptcy. The wine business is
tough. I mean, you gotta get
bottles, you gotta mix cheap vodka
with cheap grape juice, and then
you gotta eliminate the Kibbles and
Bits flavor from your
wine. Anyways--I think we should,
like, focus on ending the strike
now.

GRADY
How do we end a strike?
CAL
Well. Let’s see. On The History
Channel, they said that during the
1970 US Postal Workers Strike,
(MORE)
 25.

CAL (cont’d)
President Ray Romano entered
negotiations with union leader Hulk
Hogan.

GRADY
Fine. Let’s negotiate.
CAL
I want fifty percent of the
profits.

GRADY
The hell with that. I’ll give you
half of the profits.
CAL
Fifty percent.
GRADY
Half.
CAL
Fifty percent!
GRADY
I have an idea. I’ll meet you
halfway between half and fifty
percent.

CAL
Well. I don’t know. What’s halfway
between half and fifty percent?
GRADY
I don’t know.
AGNES
It’s half.

CAL
I don’t want half. I want fifty
percent.
GRADY
How about you kiss fifty percent of
my ass!
CAL
Wait. I have an idea. My friend
Joey once told me that if an
argument isn’t leading to a
resolution, you gotta flip the
(MORE)
 26.

CAL (cont’d)
argument. So, like, how about you
argue for fifty percent, and I’ll
argue for half?

GRADY
Um. Let’s try it.
CAL
Half!

GRADY
Fifty percent!
CAL
I agree!

GRADY
Me, too!
CAL
Wow. That whole union strike thing
worked. I guess my friend Joey
really is a genius.
GRADY
Yeah. He is a genius.
AGNES
Actually, he’s a moron. Just like
the two of you.