IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

"The Gang Gets Educated"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
TITLE: 12:30 pm
TITLE: On a Monday

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:
MAC
Something looks different about
Charlie.
DENNIS
Yeah. I noticed that, too.

INT. PADDY’S PUB - DAY

The entire gang is present. Charlie has a backpack on, and
he’s walking back and forth and punching numbers into a
calculator. He wears the backpack throughout this episode.

DENNIS
Maybe he got plastic surgery.
FRANK
Lip injections. It’s gotta be lip
injections.
DEE
I think it’s Botox.
MAC
Dee. You’re the one who got Botox.
DENNIS
And you still look like a bird.
MAC
Charlie. What looks different about
you? You seem, like, um... smarter?
CHARLIE
Maybe that’s because I’m a student
at Penn.

FRANK
Prison?
CHARLIE
No. The Penn with ivy and education
and whatever.
Opening Titles: "The Gang Gets Educated"
 2.

DEE
I’m confused. How are you a student
at The University of Pennsylvania?

CHARLIE
Well. A few days ago I was playing
ultimate frisbee there--and then it
dawned on me. I should go into the
classrooms and get an education.
Because with an education, I can
become one of those guys with good
jobs--like, um, the President of
Taco Bell.
DENNIS
Are you actually enrolled at Penn?
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
MAC
(to Dennis)
I’ll explain it to him. If you want
to get through to Charlie, you
gotta use more fast food examples.
(to Charlie)
You know how when you go to Taco
Bell, you have to place an order
and pay $1.29 before you eat a
burrito? Well, did you place an
order and pay $50,000 to go to
college?

CHARLIE
Dude--colleges aren’t run by Taco
Bell rules. If you want to get a
collegiate education, you just walk
in and you start matriculating.

DENNIS
Charlie. Penn is a place of
learning for the nation’s elite.
It’s not a hangout for any common
idiot off of the street. I should
know. I was a student at Penn.
DEE
Me, too.
DENNIS
That’s true.
(to Everyone Else)
Wait a second. Dee is a common
idiot off the street.
 3.

MAC
I thought she was a common whore
off of the street.

DEE
I’m not a common whore, Mac. I
mean, I read books, and I even
started doing Zen meditation a few
weeks ago. Do common whores
meditate?
MAC
Probably.
DENNIS
Charlie. What exactly do you do at
Penn?
CHARLIE
What do you mean?

MAC
(to Dennis)
Let me ask him.
(to Charlie)
You know how when you go to Taco
Bell, you...

DEE
Mac! Shut up with the Taco Bell
examples!
(to Charlie)
When you go to Penn, do you just
sit down in class and listen, and
that’s it?
CHARLIE
No. That’s not it. Like, yesterday,
after class, I followed my
chemistry professor into the men’s
room, and I talked to him. While he
was peeing.
FRANK
Smart thinking. The classroom is
his turf--but the men’s room is
your turf.
CHARLIE
Yeah. Plus, the majority of great
conversations take place next to
urinals. Anyways, I gotta go to
class. Graduation is in two days.
 4.

MAC
How long have you been going to
college?
CHARLIE
Well. Let’s see. Yesterday, I
finished my first day.
DEE
You don’t graduate from college in
three days. It takes four years.

CHARLIE
I’m doing the Master’s program. If
you want to be a master, it takes
three days.

DENNIS
If you want to be a moron, just
keep doing what you’re doing.
CHARLIE
Dude. At least I’m gonna graduate.
Unlike you and Dee. And soon, I’ll
be the President of Taco Bell, or
maybe even Chipotle.
He walks out.

MAC
(to Dee, Dennis, and Frank)
Speaking of tacos, there’s this
awesome taco stand I ate at
yesterday.

EXT. TACO STAND - DAY

Dee, Dennis, and Mac are sitting at a table and eating
tacos.

DENNIS
Can you believe Charlie? The nerve
of him--thinking he’s on my level
educationally.

DEE
I don’t know. I think he’s actually
on to something.
DENNIS
What the hell are you talking
about?
 5.

DEE
Just think about it. He was playing
ultimate frisbee, and then he
decided to go into a classroom.

DENNIS
Yeah. So?
DEE
Just go with me on this. What if
the three of us are playing
ultimate frisbee right now, and
we’re not going into a classroom?
MAC
(looks around)
What are you talking about?

DEE
It’s, like, a metaphor. Or a Zen
parable.
DENNIS
No it’s not. Because Charlie isn’t
a Zen master.
DEE
He has some sort of natural Zen
wisdom going for him.

MAC
That’s true. Charlie is really Zen.
DENNIS
You don’t know what Zen means!

DEE
I know what it means. And here’s
the Zen parable. Like, when I hang
out with you two, it’s like
I’m playing ultimate frisbee. I’m
doing that instead of going into
the actual university.
(scans the place, and stops at
a table)
And maybe my university is at that
table.

She points to a CHINESE MAN (65) eating a taco.

DENNIS
There’s a Chinese man.
 6.

DEE
Right. Like, ordinarily, I’d ignore
him. But today, I’m gonna actually
attend class at that university.

DENNIS
Let me see if I got this straight.
You’re saying that you’re gonna
bang that Chinese guy.
DEE
No.
MAC
Are you sure? Because that’s what
it sounds like you’re saying.

INT. FRANK AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - DAY

Charlie is wearing goggles, and holding one beaker
containing orange soda and another beaker containing orange
juice.

Frank walks in the room, and watches Charlie mix the

contents of one beaker into another, and then vice versa.
FRANK
What the shit are you doing?

CHARLIE
Like, um, collegiate academic
homework. I took this stuff home
from Penn.

FRANK
But why are you mixing orange soda
with orange juice?
CHARLIE
Um. Is that question gonna be on
the test?
FRANK
Why are you dicking around with all
of this college bullcrap? I never
went to college, and I became a
very sophisticated, educated, and
successful man.
Frank blows his nose using his shirt.
 7.

FRANK
College is pointless. Just look
around, and you’ll see billions of
jackasses and schmucks who are
college graduates.

CHARLIE
Are scientists schmucks? They
graduated from college. And what
about British people? They have
college degrees. And what about the
2004 Philadelphia Eagles? They also
have college degrees. Now if you’ll
excuse me, I have a lot of studying
to do.
He drinks from the beaker.

INT. PADDY’S PUB - DAY

Mac, Dennis, Charlie, and Dee are seated at the bar.

DEE
OK. I gotta go. I’m meeting the
Chinese guy again at the taco
stand.
DENNIS
Are you freaking serious?
DEE
Yeah. I mean, he’s my university.
DENNIS
Are you sure he’s not just some guy
who wants to put his egg roll in
your taco?
DEE
I’m leaving. Later, losers.

She walks out.

DENNIS
What an idiot.

MAC
I don’t know. Maybe Dee and Charlie
are on to something.
 8.

DENNIS
How are they on to something? Dee
is banging a one-man Chinese
university. And as for Charlie...

Charlie enters. He takes off his backpack and sits down at a

table.
CHARLIE
I can’t talk now, guys. I have to
study for my trigonomology exam.

He takes an issue of Good Housekeeping out of his backpack,

and begins reading it.
DENNIS
(to Mac)
And as for Charlie, he thinks he
can learn trigonometry from Good
Housekeeping.
CHARLIE
Dude. Do you guys know where I can
buy a graduation cap and gown?
DENNIS
Damn it, Charlie! That’s not how
college works! You have to read,
like, 300 books before you put on a
freaking cap and gown!
CHARLIE
I don’t need books to teach me how
to put on a cap and gown. Now if
you’ll excuse me, I have to
go study for my neuro-biography
exam.
He walks out.

MAC
I know I don’t say things like this
that often--but I’m really proud of
that guy. He’s got, like, an
Eastern Zen education, and a
Western college education.

DENNIS
He has no education! He’s a
freaking idiot!
 9.

EXT. TACO STAND - DAY

Dee and the Chinese Man are seated at a table.
DEE
OK. So, I was just thinking. We’ve
been hanging out for a few days
now. And, you know. You’re my
university. So can you teach me
anything about, like, Confucius, or
egg foo yung, or railroads?

CHINESE MAN
(speaks Chinese)
DEE
Right. Yeah. And, what does that
mean in English?
CHINESE MAN
English. No. No English. Chinese.
(speaks Chinese)

DEE
Is that Zen?
CHINESE MAN
Bus.

DEE
What’s bus? Is that a type of
Chinese philosophy?
CHINESE MAN
Bus. 74.

He points to a bus stop.

DEE
You want to take bus 74 someplace.
Yes. That sounds good. Maybe
that’ll be educational.

EXT. CHINATOWN STREET - DAY

DEE
OK. We took the 74 bus. To,
um, Chinatown.
CHINESE MAN 2 (40) walks up to the Chinese Man.
 10.

CHINESE MAN 2
(speaks Chinese)
CHINESE MAN
(speaks Chinese)

CHINESE MAN 2
(speaks Chinese)
CHINESE MAN
(speaks Chinese)

Chinese Man 2 hands the Chinese Man some money, and the
Chinese Man hands him a bag of opium. Chinese Man 2 walks
away.
DEE
What the hell was that? What did
you sell him?
The Chinese Man just stares at her.
DEE
What’s in the bag?
CHINESE MAN
Ah. Opium.
DEE
Well that’s just terrific! I’m part
of the Chinese opium trade.
The Chinese Man burps
DEE
Very nice.
A POLICE OFFICER (male, Chinese, 30) walks up to them.
POLICE OFFICER
(speaks Chinese)
DEE
What? I don’t speak Chinese.
POLICE OFFICER
You two are under arrest for the
sale of an illegal substance.
DEE
No. I didn’t know it was opium.
 11.

POLICE OFFICER
I never said it was opium. Wait a
second. You must be that new
American prostitute everyone in
town is talking about.

DEE
What? No.
POLICE OFFICER
You’re even hotter than the the
boys at the station said you were.
DEE
You think I’m hot?

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Mac and Dennis are in a coffee shop.
DENNIS
OK. Explain the whole frisbee
university thing to me.
MAC
Well. Ordinarily, we’d just drink
coffee here. That’s like playing
ultimate frisbee. But there’s a
university that we can go to.
DENNIS
Right. And our university is... a
Chinese guy?

MAC
No. The Chinese guy was Dee’s
university. Now we need to figure
out what ours is.
DENNIS
Well. Um. What’s Charlie’s
university?
MAC
Charlie’s university is an actual
university.

DENNIS
Yeah. Right. Well, maybe my
university involves getting laid.
 12.

MAC
Maybe. But then again, you’ve
already gotten laid a lot of times,
and you’re still an idiot. So maybe
your university is not getting
laid.

DENNIS
No. That doesn’t make sense.
MAC
Yeah. You’re right.
DENNIS
So we both agree that I should get
laid.

MAC
Well. Yeah. But you should get laid
in an educational way. Me, too.
DENNIS
You know, that actually makes a lot
of sense. I guess Charlie really is
Zen.
MAC
You’re damn right he is.

DENNIS
So now we gotta find smart women to
bang.
MAC
Right.

Mac turns to a MAN seated at the table next to his.

MAC
Dude--what’s the name of that
French science woman?

MAN
Um. Marie Curie?
MAC
Yeah. Dude. You’re really educated.
It’s too bad I can’t bang you.
MAN
OK.
 13.

MAC
(to Dennis)
Let’s bang Marie Curie.
DENNIS
Dude. Don’t be stupid. Marie Curie
doesn’t live in Philadelphia.
MAC
Yeah. We need to find the
Philadelphian equivalent of her.

DENNIS
Right. Yeah. But maybe we should do
this in different places. You know.
I’ll stay here, and you’ll go
somewhere else.

MAC
Why?
DENNIS
Because. 99.99% of women are dumb.
So at most, there’s only one woman
here who isn’t dumb.
MAC
That’s true. Almost all women are
dumb. They’re not, like, um, you
know. Women aren’t like, um...
What’s the word? The one that’s
like dumb, but um, it’s not dumb at
all.

DENNIS
Smart?
MAC
Exactly. Very few women are
smart.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Dee is seated at a table, and the Police officer is
interrogating her.

POLICE OFFICER
Start talking.
DEE
Get me a lawyer.
 14.

POLICE OFFICER
(laughs)
Lawyer.
(laughs again)
What lawyer?
DEE
A lawyer. I’m entitled to a lawyer.

POLICE OFFICER
Says who?
DEE
Says the US Constitution.

POLICE OFFICER
(laughs)
Lady. This isn’t an episode of Law
& Order. This is Chinatown. Around
here, we go by the Chinatown
Constitution.

DEE
What about my Miranda rights?
POLICE OFFICER
Miranda ain’t Chinese. OK? Now
we’re gonna do a little talking. Li
said you control 90% of the opium
that comes through Chinatown.
DEE
Who the hell is Li?

POLICE OFFICER
The guy you were with.
DEE
That son of a bitch! He dimed on
me!
POLICE OFFICER
So you admit that you are in fact
Chinatown’s Madame Opium.

DEE
No.
POLICE OFFICER
It’s amazing, that a prostitute
like you is also the head of an
elite opium ring. You are, hands
down, the smartest ho I know.
 15.

DEE
Well. That’s very nice of you to
say--but I’m not a ho.

POLICE OFFICER
Li said you charge three grand for
one night.
DEE
Listen. If I’m Chinatown’s number
one opium dealing prostitute, then
how come I don’t speak Chinese?
POLICE OFFICER
You do speak Chinese. You’re fluent
in English, Chinese, and sex.
DEE
I don’t know any Chinese.
POLICE OFFICER
(speaks Chinese) So what do you
have to say about that?
DEE
I don’t know. What did you say?

POLICE OFFICER
I said, "I really like you. Are you
seeing anyone?"
DEE
Oh. Uh. No. Uh. Wait. Are you about
ask me out?
POLICE OFFICER
Well. Yeah.
DEE
Oh. Um. OK. Yeah. I guess we can go
out.
POLICE OFFICER
Just so we’re clear, I’m talking
about a legit date. I’m not a John.
DEE
Well. That’s good. Because I’m not
a prostitute.

POLICE OFFICER
Oh. One more thing. You have the
right to remain sexy. Anything you
say can and will make me hot.
 16.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Dennis is seated at a table with a WOMAN (30, attractive).
WOMAN
And that’s when he was, like, "Why
would they sell an actual crate at
Crate & Barrel?"
DENNIS
Yeah. That’s, uh, that’s very funny
and interesting--as are you. So, do
you want to go back to my place?
WOMAN
Yeah.

DENNIS
Well. That’s not gonna happen. You
know why? Because you’re not
educated enough. You see. I’m
trying to learn something in life,
i.e. bang educated women. But you
said you only have a bachelor’s
degree.
WOMAN
Right.

DENNIS
That means you’re not educational
enough for me.
WOMAN
Fine. Then get lost, asshole.
DENNIS
Well. OK. But, you know, I want to
bang you later. After the Zen I do.

WOMAN
Good for you. By the way, I have an
IQ of 138.
DENNIS
Oh. Well then, I guess you can come
to my apartment.
WOMAN
Get the hell away from me.
 17.

INT. FRANK AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Frank is eating a piece of cheese, and Charlie is reading
Boys World Magazine.
CHARLIE
Well. I gotta get some rest.
Graduation is tomorrow morning.
FRANK
I don’t believe in that graduation
nonsense.
CHARLIE
So you’re not coming?
FRANK
No.
CHARLIE
But everyone else is coming.
FRANK
Everyone else in an idiot.
CHARLIE
Your pants are on backwards again.
FRANK
So what? You know else wears
backwards pants? Kriss Kross.
CHARLIE
I know. I’m Ivy League educated.

FRANK
That only means you’re Ivy League
brainwashed!

EXT. UNIVERSITY LAWN - DAY

Dee and the Police Officer (who’s no longer in his police
uniform) are walking around campus. There are a few STUDENTS
also walking around.

POLICE OFFICER
You know, even though we’ve only
been seeing each other for two
days, I feel like I really know
you, Dee.
 18.

DEE
I feel the same way about you,
Chinese Police Officer.

POLICE OFFICER
How about tonight, we hang out at
your place, watch some Netflix, and
maybe smoke a little opium.

DEE
Damn it--I’m not an opium dealer.
Dee spots Charlie about 30 yards away, wearing a pink
graduation gown and cap, as well as his backpack.

DEE
Oh. There’s my friend.
Charlie walks up to one of the students on campus.
CHARLIE
Where is everyone? And how come
you’re not wearing a gown?
STUDENT
Um. The graduation ceremony is next
week. And, um, your gown isn’t
supposed to be pink.
Dee and the Police Officer walk up to Charlie.
DEE
Uh. Hey, Charlie. This is my
Chinese boyfriend, who’s a police
officer. So, um, where’s the
graduation ceremony?
CHARLIE
Well. Um. Apparently, the official
graduation is next week. But you
know what? I’m just gonna go ahead
and graduate today.
POLICE OFFICER
Nice gown.
DEE
(to Police Officer)
(speaks Chinese)

POLICE OFFICER
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
 19.

DEE
It’s like we’re soul mates.
Dennis and a HISPANIC WOMAN (30) walk up to them.
DENNIS
Hey guys. This is the educated
woman that I’m banging. She’s
French, like Marie Curie.
HISPANIC WOMAN
(speaks Spanish)
DEE
Dennis. She’s speaking Spanish.
DENNIS
Oh. Well. Um. I’m sure Marie Curie
spoke Spanish, too. I mean, she was
really smart. She was probably
multicunnilingiual. Unlike most
women. Most women are el stupid-o.
(looks around)
So, uh, this is a nice graduation
ceremony. I figured there’d be more
students, though.
DEE
Well. Apparently, the graduation
ceremony is next week. Charlie got
the day wrong.
CHARLIE
Hey. I’m not a chronology major,
OK?
MAC walks up to them with SMITTY (35, long hair).
MAC
Hey guys. Check out the brainy girl
that I’m dating.
DENNIS
Um. That’s a man with long hair.
MAC
Well. The thing is, it’s, like,
crazy hard to find smart girls. So
I found Smitty. He’s really
freaking smart. Right, Smitty?
 20.

SMITTY
Well. I’m not that smart.
MAC
Yeah. But compared to a woman,
you’re like a supergenius.

SMITTY
Well. Compared to a really dumb
woman, I’m a supergenius.

MAC
All women are really dumb.
DENNIS
Mac. You seriously are a dumbass.
You don’t educate yourself by
banging smart guys with long hair.
You educate yourself by banging
French girls who speak Spanish.
MAC
Hey. I’m not banging Smitty--OK?
We’re just seeing each other.
DENNIS
Well congratulations on that.
DEE
By the way everyone--this is my
Chinese boyfriend. We have a really
amazing relationship.
DENNIS
Well. Chinese people are really
smart--but once again, the rules
say that you only educate yourself
by banging smart girls--not smart
guys.
DEE
Well. We haven’t had sex yet--but
I’m sure once we do, it’ll make me
much smarter.
(to Police Officer)
Right?

POLICE OFFICER
I don’t know about that. I mean, I
usually date dumb girls--and they
don’t become less dumb after I
sleep with them.
 21.

DEE
But I’m not dumb--right, honey?

POLICE OFFICER
Of course not. You run a very
complex opium dealing operation.
FRANK walks up to them.

FRANK
Alright. Since I don’t believe in
education, I’m protesting this
graduation ceremony. Dee--why are
you standing so close to that
Chinaman?

DEE
Dad--this is my boyfriend.
FRANK
(looks around)
Where the hell are all the
graduating students?
MAC
Well. Charlie got the date wrong.
The ceremony is next week.

Charlie points to the DEAN (male, Chinese, 50) walking into

a building.
CHARLIE
Hey. There’s the Dean. He’s going
into that building. You know what?
I’ll talk to him, and I’ll get my
diploma right now. Everyone, follow
me

FRANK
Including the Chinaman?
CHARLIE
Yes.

INT. BUILDING - DAY

Everyone walks in to the building.
CHARLIE
Where is he?
Charlie opens the door to a Men’s Room. he come back out.
 22.

CHARLIE
He’s in the men’s room. Everyone
come in here.

INT. MEN’S ROOM - DAY

Everyone walks into the Men’s Room. The Dean is urinating at
a urinal.
DEAN
Um. Hi.
FRANK
Holy crap! He’s a Chinaman, too.
(to the Police Officer)
Is he your Uncle or something?

DEAN
Um. Can I help you?
(to Charlie)
Why are you wearing a pink gown?

CHARLIE
See. I thought the graduation
ceremony was today. So just give me
a diploma, and then I’ll graduate.
DEAN
Well. Uh. Give me a second to
finish urinating.
A few seconds later, the Dean zips up and starts washing his
hands.

DEAN
Do you even go to this school?
CHARLIE
Yes! I’ve been studying day and
night, for three days and three
nights. Now can I please have my
Master’s Degree?
The Dean dries his hands.

DEAN
Well. Let me get this straight. You
want a diploma for spending three
days here?
 23.

CHARLIE
Exactly. I’m part of the Master’s
program.
DEAN
OK. And, um, who are these people?
CHARLIE
They’re here to see me graduate.
DENNIS
Yeah. By the way--I’m educated,
too. I did it the Marie Curie way.
DEAN
(to Charlie)
OK. Well, You know what? If I write
you a diploma, will you leave this
campus and never come back?
CHARLIE
Uh. Sure.

DEAN
OK. Great. Follow me to my office.
CHARLIE
Actually, can you do it here in
this men’s room? I mean, I think
it’ll be fitting, considering how
I’m pretty sure I majored in
bathroom engineering.
DEAN
Um. OK. Um. I have a pen. Does
anyone have paper?
CHARLIE
Well. Just use the toilet paper.

MAC
Charlie. Don’t be an idiot. The pen
will just rip through toilet paper.
He has to use paper towels.
CHARLIE
Right. Yeah, Paper towels.
Charlie grabs a paper towel and sets it on the counter. The
Dean takes out a pen.
 24.

DEAN
OK. What’s your name?
CHARLIE
Charlie Kelly.

The Dean writes on the paper towel.

DEAN
OK.
(hands Charlie the paper
towel)
Here you go.
Charlie reads the paper towel.
CHARLIE
"Diploma." "Charlie Kelly." And
here’s your signature. "The Dean."
FRANK
The Dean. That must be one of those
Chinese names, like Jet Li.

CHARLIE
(to Dean)
Wait. You forgot to write "Master’s
Degree."

DEAN
Oh, yes, Of course.
He writes the words "Master’s Degree."
CHARLIE
Awesome. Thanks, bro.
DENNIS
(to Dean)
Um. Can I have one, too? You know.
Because I’m banging this
multicunnilingual Marie Curie
woman.
DEAN
OK. What’s your name?

DENNIS
Dennis Reynolds.
The Dean gets another paper towel, places it on the counter,
and writes on it.
 25.

DEAN
OK.
(hands the paper towel to
Dennis)
There you go.

MAC
I should get one too, because I’m
banging this supergenius guy.
Smitty is drinking water out of the faucet.

DEAN
Fantastic.
(takes another paper towel out
of the dispenser and places it
on the counter)
Here’s your Master’s degree.
(starts writing on it)
What’s your name?
MAC
Mac.

DEAN
OK, Mac. You’re now a graduate of
the University of Pennsylvania.
DEE
Can I get one, too? You know.
Because my boyfriend’s Chinese?
DEAN
That’s good enough for a doctorate
degree.
(gets another paper towel,
places it on the counter, and
begins writing on it)
And your name is...

DEE
Dee Reynolds.
DEAN
OK. There’s a diploma for you.
Anyone else?

CHARLIE
Frank. You want a degree?
FRANK
Absolutely not. College degrees are
for brainwashed idiots.
 26.

Frank grabs Mac’s degree and blows his nose in it.

MAC
That’s my degree!
FRANK
Degrees are bullshit.
DEAN
Well. I guess it depends on how you
look at things. But let me just say
this. From now on, I’m only gonna
use the faculty bathroom.
He walks out.
Charlie starts singing the traditional graduation song
("Pomp and Ceremony"). The Others join in.