LATE NIGHT WITH BARACK OBAMA

(Animated TV Comedy Series)

"Pilot" ("McNuggets and Jennifer Aniston")

by

Rodney Ohebsion
INT.LATENIGHTSHOWSTUDIO-NIGHT

JOEBIDENandhisBAND(includingdrummerRONPAUL)start
playingtheintromusic.

HILLARYCLINTONisintheannouncer'sarea.

300PEOPLEareinthestudioaudience.

HILLARYCLINTON
(announcing)
LivefromfromWashingtonD.C..
It'sLateNightwithBarackObama,
hissidekickSofiaVergara,band
leaderJoeBiden,anddrummerRon
Paul!Andnow,heeeeere'sObama.

BARACKOBAMAwalksontothestage.

TheStudioAudienceapplaudsforhim.

SOFIAVERGARAisseatedinthesidekick'sseat.

ObamasmilesandthenshadowboxesalittleastheAudience
continuestoapplaud.

BARACKOBAMA
Goodevening,folks.Welcometo
LateNight.Thisepisodeis,
uh--it'snotgonnabeperfect.The
firstfewminutesmightnotbethe
best.Youknow.Changeisn'teasy.
Itwon'thappenovernight.There
willbesetbacksandfalsestarts.
Butletmebeclear.Overthe
courseofthisprogram,mystaff
andIwillbringnewand
innovativeentertainmenttothe
Americanpeople.

JoeBidenstandsupandclaps.

JOEBIDEN
Thatwasbeautifulspeech,Barack.

BARACKOBAMA
Thankyou,Joe.

HILLARYCLINTON
(grouchy,insulting)
Ididn'tcaremuchforthat
speech,Obama.
 2.

BARACKOBAMA
Wellgoodforyou,Hillary.
(toAudience)
Uh,let'sgetonwithit,shall
we?Didyouguyshearabout
today'seconomicnews?McDonald's
hikedupthepriceofNcNuggetsby
twocentsperMcNugget.

SOFIAVERGARA
Ohmygoodness.

BARACKOBAMA
You're,uh,concernedaboutthe
priceincrease,Sofia?

SOFIAVERGARA
No,Barack.IthinkIjustsawthe
ghostofPabloEscobarinthe
studioaudience.

HILLARYCLINTON
(toEveryone)
Oh,forPete'ssake.Herewego
againwiththiswoman'szany
Colombianbeliefs.

SOFIAVERGARA
Iamtellingyou,Hillary.Itis
theghostofPablo.

ObamaaddressesaSECURITYOFFICERstandingnearthe
audience.

BARACKOBAMA
Uh.Security.Pleaseescortthe
ghostofPabloEscobaroutofthis
studio.

SECURITYOFFICE
Yes,Mr.Obama.

TheSecurityOfficerwalkstotheAudience,andwanders
around,notknowingwhattodo.Hetakesafootlongsubway
sandwichoutofhispocketandstartseatingit.

BARACKOBAMA
Anyways.Weweretakingabout
McNuggets.Joe--doyoueat
McNuggets?

JOEBIDEN
Absolutely,Barack.Iusuallygo
forthetwelvepieceorder.
(MORE)
 3.

JOEBIDEN(CONT'D)
(standsupandstands
nexttoachalkboard)
That'stheonewheretheygiveyou
twelveMcNuggets.
(writesthenumber12)
ButifI'monadietandI'm
tryingtolosesomeflabaround
theoldbelly-ola,whatIdois,I
goforthesixpieceorder.That's
theonewheretheygiveyousix
McNuggets.
(writesthenumber6)
IeatsixortwelveMcNuggets.And
thenwhateverbarbecuesauceI
haveleftover,Itakethathome.

SOFIAVERGARA
Whatishome?

JOEBIDEN
It'stheplacewhereItake
barbecuesauce.

SOFIAVERGARA
Idon'tgetit.Whatdoeshome
mean?

BARACKOBAMA
Homeistheplacewherepeople
live.

SOFIAVERGARA
Oh.OK.Home.Ilearnedanewword
inEnglish.

HILLARYCLINTON
Wellisn'tthatdelightful?Nowdo
meafavorandgohome.

RONPAUL
Speakingofdrugs,thegovernment
shouldlegalizealldrugs.And
speakingofthegovernment,the
UnitedStatesfederalgovernment
shouldbereplacedwithtwopounds
ofMonterreyJackcheese.I'mRon
Paul,andthosearemybeliefs.

BARACKOBAMA
That'sgreat,RonPaul.Butwe
weren'ttalkingaboutthat.
 4.

RONPAUL
I'mjustsaying.Thegovernment
wentintomydrawer,andthey
stolemytubesocks.

BARACKOBAMA
Hm.
(toAudience)
Andinothernews,BillClinton
wasaskedaboutPresidentTrump's
immigrationplan.AndClinton
said,"Ithinkthiscountryshould
letinasmanyMexicanwomenas
possible."

AREDNECKintheaudienceyellsout.

REDNECK
BillClintonisadamnliberal!

STEREOTYPICALNEWYORKER
Whydon'tyoukissmyass,buddy!?

Theyfight.

BARACKOBAMA
Security!

SECURITYOFFICE
Yes,Mr.Obama.

BARACKOBAMA
Letthosetwomencontinue
fighting.

SECURITYOFFICE
Yes,sir.

BARACKOBAMA
(toEveryone)
Youknow,IactuallyhadBill
Clintonoverfordinnerafew
weeksago.

RONPAUL
Ohreally?

BARACKOBAMA
Yeah.Hejustshowedupatmydoor
onenightandaskedmeforcorn.

JOEBIDEN
Yeah.He'sknowntodothatfrom
timetotime.Heshowsupatyour
door,andheasksforcorn.
 5.

SOFIAVERGARA
Orsometimesheshowsupatyour
door,andheasksforsex.

HILLARYCLINTON
Yeah.He'sknowntodothatfrom
timetotime.He'sdoneitwith
halfofthewomeninAmerica.

BARACKOBAMA
Well.Theotherday,IletBill
intomyhome.Notforsex,though.
Forcorn.Andasyoumight
imagine,heandI,twoformer
Presidents,weopenedupseven
cansofcornandweatethemfor
supper.Ihadthreecans,and,uh,
Billhadfour.

JOEBIDEN
Whatbrandofcorn?

BARACKOBAMA
Imakeeightythreemillion
dollarsayear,Joe.So,whenI
eatcannedcornfordinner,it's
theLibby'sbrand.It'sdefinitely
nottheUltraValuebrand.Imean,
nottosoundsnobbyoranything,
butIuseUltraValuecornasa
paperweight.

HILLARYCLINTON
I'dliketouseyourheadasa
paperweight,Obama.

JOEBIDEN
Well--IforoneloveLibby's.

SOFIAVERGARA
WhatisthisLibby'syouareall
talkingabout?

BARACKOBAMA
Libby's.It'sabrandofcorn.

SOFIAVERGARA
WhenIwaslivinginColombia,we
didn'thavebrandsofcorn.

JOEBIDEN
Letmetellyouguyssomething
aboutcorn.Iowaisafinestate.
(MORE)
 6.

JOEBIDEN(CONT'D)
Yougotplentyofcornfarmers
there.Farmingforcornisnotan
easyjob.It'sdefinitelyharder
thanbeingVicePresident.

HillaryClintonistakinganapinahammock.

JOEBIDEN(CONT'D)
Youknowwhatelseisharderthan
beingVicePresident?Beinga
geographer.Becauseyouhaveto
makethatsubtledistinction
betweenNorthDakotaandSouth
Dakota.Eventhepeoplewholive
intheDakotasaregenerallynot
clearonwhichDakotaiswhich.In
fact,someDakotansthinkthat
theyliveinWyoming.Butthese
geographers,theyknowthestates.
I'mtellingyou--beinga
geographerismuchharderthan
beingVicePresident.Andletme
justsaythisaboutcorn.

HillaryClintonisnowstanding.

HILLARYCLINTON
Biden--you'reramblingagain.And
bytheway--alljobsareharder
thanbeingVicePresident.

JOEBIDEN
Hillary.Don'tmakemecomeover
there.

HILLARYCLINTON
Andwhatareyougonnadoifyou
comeoverhere?

JOEBIDEN
Well.IfIcomeoverthere,I'm
gonnagetmyasskickedbyyou.So
IguessI'lljuststayhere.

BARACKOBAMA
(toAudience)
OK.Here'ssomethingfascinating.
Haveyouguysheardaboutthis?
Hitachijustannouncedthatit's
discontinuingtheproductionof
VCRs.
(MORE)
 7.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
Becauseapparently,withallthe
YouTubeandiPhonesandBluRay
discsfloatingaroundthesedays,
nobodyreallyappreciatesan
episodeofPerfectStrangers
recordedinEPmodeonaVHS
cassette.

JOEBIDEN
IuseBETAMAXtapestorecordThe
SuiteLifeofZachandCody.And
thenmyfouro'clock,myiPhone
remindsmetotakeZoloft.

HILLARYCLINTON
(sarcastically)
Wellisn'tthatasurprise?

SOFIAVERGARA
TheiPhoneisbossy.SometimesI
tellmyiPhonetoshutup.Isay,
"Shutup,iPhone!Shutup!"

BARACKOBAMA
(tocamera)
Uh...anyways,PresidentTrump
gaveaspeechyesterday.

HILLARYCLINTON
Wellwhoop-di-do.

BARACKOBAMA
Joe--didyouhappentocatch
Trump'sspeechlastnightonTV?

JOEBIDEN
No.Iwasbusydrinkingalcohol.

SOFIAVERGARA
IwatchedthespeechoftheTrump.

BARACKOBAMA
Andwhatdidyouthinkofit,
Sofia?

SOFIAVERGARA
IthinkthattheTrumpislocoen
lamanzanagallo.

BARACKOBAMA
...YouthinkTrumpiscrazyin
theapplerooster?
 8.

SOFIAVERGARA
IsthatwhatIsaid?

BARACKOBAMA
Ibelieveso.

SOFIAVERGARA
Oh.Well.ItisaColombian
expression.

Obamasitsdownathisdesk.

BARACKOBAMA
(ToAudience)
Anyways,let'smoveontoour
show'slistfortoday.Three
reasonswhyRonPauleatsFruit
Loopsforbreakfast.Number
one--FruitLoopscomewithafree
actionfigureofaWuTangKlan
member.

RONPAUL
Collectallten!Especiallythe
GhostfaceKillah!

BARACKOBAMA
Numbertwo--FruitLoopscontainno
actualfruit.

RONPAUL
I'mveryanti-vitamin.

BARACKOBAMA
Andthenumberthreereasonwhy
RonPauleatsFruitLoops:he
thinksthefivefoodgroupsare
milk,drugs,gluten,loop,and
McNugget.

JOEBIDEN
IeatFruitLoopsbecausethey're
easiertoreadthanAlpha-Bits.

BARACKOBAMA
(tocamera)
Myfirstguestisthestarofthe
newmovieBananaRepublicCoupde
Tat.Everyonegiveawarmwelcome
toJenniferAniston.

JENNIFERANISTONenters,greetsObamaandSofia,andsits
downintheguest'sseat.
 9.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
It'sgreattohaveyouonthe
show,JenniferAniston.Youknow,
I'mactuallythinkingofdivorcing
Michelle,andmarryingawhite
womanlikeyou.Isthereanyone
yourecommend?

JENNIFERANISTON
Um.Notreally.Idon'twantto,
uh,youknow.Idon'twantto
crossMichelleObama.Sheseems
likeahostileperson.

BARACKOBAMA
Thatisanunderstatement.

JENNIFERANISTON
Um.Canwetalkaboutsomething
else?

BARACKOBAMA
(takesoutacigarette
andlightit)
Likewhat?

JENNIFERANISTON
Mynewmovie.

SOFIAVERGARA
Thatisagoodidea.Itislikewe
sayinColombia."Peronoesmi
jefeconEngelbertHumperdink,
cuandolosojosnosonmi
corazon."

JOEBIDEN
YouknowwhatmovieIreallylike?
PoliceAcademy3.Theactingis
amazinginthatmovie.There'sa
ChineseguyinPoliceAcademy3,
andheactsexactlylikeaChinese
guy.

MICHELLEOBAMAwalksuptoBarack.

MICHELLEOBAMA
Barack.Let'sgo.Wehavetobeat
Jay-ZandBeyonce'shousein
thirtyminutes.

BARACKOBAMA
Um.Honey.I'minterviewing
JenniferAnistonrightnow.
 10.

MICHELLEOBAMA
Whatfor?

BARACKOBAMA
Youknow.Mylatenightvariety
show.

MICHELLEOBAMA
Thehellwithyourshow!Beyonce
invitedusoverforcaviar.

Sofia'sphonestartsringing.

SOFIAVERGARA
ThatismyiPhone.

Shetakesitoutofherpurseandyellsatit.

SOFIAVERGARA(CONT'D)
Shutup,iPhone!Shutup!

BARACKOBAMA
(toJenniferAniston)
Anyways.Weweretalkingabout
yourmovie.

JOEBIDEN
IsDenzelWashingtoninit?

JENNIFERANISTON
Uh.No.

JOEBIDEN
ArethereanyAfrican-Americansin
yourmovie?

JENNIFERANISTON
NonethatIcanrecall.

JOEBIDEN
Well.ArethereanyPuertoRicans
inyourmovie?PuertoRicansare
likeAfricanAmericans,except
theysalsadanceforthreehoursa
day.PuertoRicansbasicallycount
asAfricanAmericans.

HILLARYCLINTON
Andyoubasicallycountasan
airhead.

BARACKOBAMA
(tocamera)
OK.
(MORE)
 11.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
MynextguestisaGrammyaward
winningmusician.Andhe'sgonna
beperformingasongoffhisnew
album.ThealbumisentitledSide
OrderMenu.Thesongiscalled
"BiscuitsandColeSlaw."Andthe
artistisBobDylan.

BOBDYLANwalksontothestageandperforms.

BOBDYLAN
Idolotsofdrinking/Butnot
thatmuchthinking/I'mnot
Canadian/WhatisIranian?/My
neighbor'snameisDamien/
Actuallyit'sJose/Democracyis
amonarchy/DVDs,buyone,get
onefree/RSVPformyparty/
Republican,Democrat,insanity/
Chipotlechargesextrafor
guacamole/Travoltadiscodanced
asAnthony/Iwrotethissong
whenIwasonPCP/Itmakesno
sense,buteverythingrhymes/
ExceptforIguessthenextfew
lines/Changetheremoteanddust
yourkitchen/AmazonPrimeisa
sosovalue/Shabadooismy
favoriteSoulTraindancer

Thesongends.ObamawalksuptoBobDylanandshakeshis
hand.

BARACKOBAMA
Thatwasfantastic,Bob.
(tocamera)
Alright.TheLateReallyLateShow
isupnext.Goodnight,everybody.

HillaryClintonissortingthroughabunchofmetalitems.

HILLARYCLINTON
(tocamera)
StaytunedforTheLateReally
LateShow.Goodnight,everybody.

INT.STUDIO2-NIGHT

AnotherBANDisplayingintromusic.
 12.

NICOLASCAGE(V.O.)
Fromsomestudioinanundisclosed
location--possiblyinEl
Segundo--it'sTheLateReallyLate
Show,withNicolasCage.Now
here'syourhost,NicolasCage!

NICOLASCAGEenters,andstartsdancinglikeamaniac.

NICOLASCAGE
Welcometotheshow,everyone.You
knowhowTrumpsayshe'stheleast
racistpersonintheworld?Wrong!
I'mthetheleastracistpersonin
theworld!Ishouldchallenge
Trumptoanun-racistoff.Tosee
who'smoreunracist.Wegota
greatshowforyoutonight.Great
show!Itwasrainingtoday!Hell
yeah!Idrankthatrain!Idrank
it.Letmeaskyousomething,
ladiesandgents.Whatever
happenedtoLionelRitchie?Great
musician!Highimpactmusic.You
knowthatWhitneyHoustonsong
whereshesings,"Igetso
emotional,baby!"Well.That'show
IfeelwhenIlistentoLionel
Ritchiesongs.Igetsoemotional,
baby!McDonald's.Theyincreased
theirMcNuggetpricesbytwo
cents.That'sthebignews.We
gottaanalyzethebignews.It's
oneofsociety'srules--isitnot?
Analyzetheprominentnewsstory.
Analyzethedamnstory!
McDonald's.McyD's.McyD's.They
increasedtheirMcNuggetpricesby
twocents.Well.Youknow,that
remindsmeofagreatjokeIheard
lastTuesday.HowmanyMcNuggets
doesittaketoscrewinalight
bulb?Two.Onetoholdthelight
bulb,andtheothertodrink
whiskeyuntiltheroomstarts
spinning.Hahahahaha.Getit?
McNuggetsareIrish,onaccountof
theMcintheirname.Howmany
McNuggetsdoesittaketoscrewin
alightbulb?Two.Onetoholdthe
lightbulb,andtheothertodrink
whiskeyuntiltheroomstarts
spinning.Hahahahaha.

NicolasCagewalksuptoaSTUDIOAUDIENCEMEMBER(male).
 13.

NICOLASCAGE(CONT'D)
Laugh!Thatjokewasfunny!

STUDIOAUDIENCEMEMBER
Uh.OK.Hahahaha.

NICOLASCAGE
Whatdoyouputbetweentwoslices
ofbread?Peanutbutterandjelly!
Don'tlaugh!Don'tlaugh!That
jokeisn'tfunny.

STUDIOAUDIENCEMEMBER
Um.OK.

NicolasCagewalksbackuptothestage.

NICOLASCAGE
Andhere'sasegmentcalledKiss
MyAss.

Anonscreengraphicsays"KissMyAss"

ANNOUNCER(V.O.)
Kissmyass!

BacktoNicolasCage.

NICOLASCAGE
OK.Greatsegment.Ireallylike
thepartaboutkissmyass.
Anyways,myguestfortonightis
somewoman.

CELINEDIONisseatedintheguest'sseat.NicolasCage
sitsdownnexttoher.

NICOLASCAGE(CONT'D)
What'syourname,woman?

CELINEDION
CelineDion

NICOLASCAGE
CelineDion!LikeCelestePizza,
butkosher.

CELIONDION
No.Notatall.Idon'tknowwhat
you'retalkingabout.

NICOLASCAGE
IfIhadanickelforeverytime
someonesaidthattome....Give
meanickel.
 14.

CELINEDION
Excuseme?

NICOLASCAGE
Isaid,givemeanickel,Celine
Dion!

CELINEDION
Fine.
(takeanickeloutof
herpurseandhandsit
tohim)
Hereyougo,NicolasCage.

NICOLASCAGE
TherearenodeadPresidentson
thisnickel.

CELINEDION
It'saCanadiannickel.

NICOLASCAGE
Waitasecond.Areyoutellingme
thatyou'refromCanadia?

CELINEDION
Uh.No.I'mtellingyouthatI'm
fromCanada.

NICOLASCAGE
WhatthehellisCanada?

CELINEDION
It'sacountry.

NICOLASCAGE
Well,justcallmeMarvinGardens,
baby.Youlandedonmewithone
hotel.That'llbetwentythree
milliondollarscash!

CELINEDION
ThisisnothowweplayMonopoly
inCanada.

NICOLASCAGE
Anyways.You'rea
celebrity--right?

CELINEDION
Yes.Iamquitewellknown.
 15.

NICOLASCAGE
That'swhywehaveyouonour
show.Becausehereatmyshow,
we'reabunchofcorporatewhores.
Wegottafeedintosociety
directives,whichstate
unequivocallythatyouhavetoput
aspotlightonsomelugubrious
individualwhohasbeenpostmarked
ashavingacertaindegreeof
mutualostentatiouseminence.

CELINEDION
Um.Idon'tthinkIknowwhatyou
aresaying.Maybeit's,youknow,
thedifferencesbetweenAmerican
EnglishandCanadianEnglish.

NICOLASCAGE
OrmaybeI'mjustinsane!

CELINEDION
Yes.Thisisalsoapossibility.

NICOLASCAGE
Celebrity.Areyouanactress?

CELINEDION
Iamasinger.

NICOLASCAGE
Doyousingintheshower?

CELINEDION
Sometimes.

NICOLASCAGE
Whileyou'renaked?

CELINEDION
Yes.

NICOLASCAGE
Great.Letmeseeyourtitties.

Sheslapshim.

NICOLASCAGE(CONT'D)
Andwhatkindofmusicdoyou
sing?

CELINEDION
It'sdifficultto,um,definemy
music.Youknow.Idon'tbelieve
ingenres.
 16.

NICOLASCAGE
Well.What'syourmostfamous
song,woman?

CELINEDION
"MyHeartWillGoOn."

NICOLASCAGE
Thatdoesn'tsoundfamiliar.

CELINEDION
I'msureyou'veheardit.It'sthe
themesongtoTitanic.

NICOLASCAGE
Well.Colormepurple,Celine.
That'smyleastfavoritesongof
alltime.

CELINEDION
Well.Maybeyouhaveterrible
tasteinmusic.What'syour
favoritesong?

NICOLASCAGE
"TheWheelsontheBusGoRound
andRoundandRoundandRoundand
RoundandRoundandRound!And
Round!AndAlso....Round."
(tocamera)
OK.That'llitfortonight'sshow.
I'mgonnagocollectmydaily
salary--whichtoday,isasixpack
ofTecate.Goodnight,everybody.

Theoutromusicandcreditsstartplaying.

NicolasCagedrinksasixpackofTecateinthebackground.
HeoffersacantoCeline,whoslapsthecanoutofhis
hand.