Aeronautic Education

I think being on a plane teaches you a lot about people. For instance, you learn how some
people really prefer Coke to Pepsi or Pepsi to Coke. The flight attendant rolls her cart up to your
section, and she asks the guy sitting next to you what he wants to drink. Hes like, Can I have a
Coke? Then she replies, We have Pepsi. And then this guy, he looks at the Pepsi can
disdainfully, as if he asked for a glass of Dom Perignon in a French restaurant, and the waiter
brought him a paper cup filled with sparkling urine. He looks at the flight attendant, and hes all
like, Pepsi? Oh. That wont do. Ive been drinking Coke exclusively for the past 28 years. Its
ludicrous how some planes dont serve it. Its Coke. I really prefer Coke, as opposed to that
disgusting concoction known as Pepsi, which I tried 28 years ago, and it had the aftertaste of
Kaopectate.

Yeah. He just starts giving the flight attendant his detailed dissertation on how he likes Coke and
not Pepsi, and how planes should carry Coke. At that point, I want to tell him, Sir. I realize how
serious this is. You have a strong preference for Coke. Ill tell you what. How about I grab a
parachute, I jump out of this plane, I head on over to the nearest 7-Eleven, fetch you a bottle of
your precious Coke, and then get a jetpack so I can fly back up here and bring you your prefered
brand of soda, you schmuck!

So thats one of the things you learn about when youre on a plane. You learn about how some
people distinguish between Coke and Pepsi the same way a Mongolian man distinguishes
between a well-trained horse and a manic-depressive alpaca.

Heres another thing you learn on a plane. You learn about peanut allergies. More specifically,
you learn how seriously some people take those things. Sometimes you're on a plane, the flight
attendants starts handing out peanut bags, and one of the passengers tells you and the other
people nearby, "Everyone. I just want you to know that I'm allergic to peanuts. I mean, I
acknowledge that you have the legal right to eat peanuts on this plane. But on the other hand,
let me just tell you this. As soon as you open a peanut bag and the peanut residue gets in the air,
Ill end up inhaling that, and the way my allergy works is, the mitochondria from the peanut
molecules in the air will intermingle with the supercalifragilistic vitameatavegamin endzones in
my lungs, which will create a state of iambic pentameter, and ten seconds later, my elbows will
start itching, and then twenty seconds after that, I will turn into a werewolf and start howling
and attacking people. Thats my allergy. Im very allergic to peanuts. I have references on my
iPhone to back all of this up."
So youre sitting on the plane, you got the Coca Cola aficionado to your right, you got the peanut
allergy werewolf across the aisle. And then theres this other guy one seat to the left of you, and
hes the kind of person whose standards for appropriate public behavior are not particularly
high. Ten minutes into your flight, this person takes off his shoes, he takes off his socks, he puts
his feet up on the tray table, he plays the this little piggy game on his toes, then he sits lotus
style, and he does the the meditation where you chant the same word over and over again for
45 minutes straight. And youre like, Excuse me, sir. I know that papadum chutney is a fantastic
term to use for transcendental meditation. And Im sure youre currently on the path to stage
five nirvanic enlightenment. But can you do me a favor and shut your damn mouth, before I
strangle you right here on this plane with my bare hands?

A lot of people behave inappropriately on a plane. What about those two people behind you
who are having a high volume private conversation at ears distance from three dozen other
passengers? You got two women in their 50s, and theyre busy talking about their sons finances.
One woman is like, I dont know what it is. For some reason, Alec is intent on marrying his
golddigging whore of a girlfriend. And then the other woman, she says, Your sons golddigging
whore is no match for my sons goldigging whore. Shes pure trash. I might hire a hitman to kill
her. At that point, I look at that woman and I say, I might hire a hitman to kill you.

So, yeah. On every plane, there are all these people doing and saying some pretty outlandish
things. And then there are these other people, and theyre observing al this outlandish stuff, and
theyre constantly rolling their eyes and chuffing and nonverbally harrumphing and scoffing.
These guys are the ones who piss me off the most. Theyre just nonstop, expressing their
outrage via their facial expressions and various exhalations. Half an hour into their eye rolling
marathon, I interrupt them and say, Hey buddy! This is 28 hour flight to Australia. You cant just
roll your eyes over the entire duration of the 28 hours. Find another hobby, and use that to fill up
some time. You ever heard of Sudoku?

So, yeah. I say that. Although to be honest, you know else pisses me off on a plane? The people
who work on Sudoku puzzles the entire time. Are you familiar with these individuals? They just
sit there staring at those boxes and numbers, they keep this up for hours, they dont even drink
the Coke on their tray, the Coke gets flat, and the guy, hes still staring at this puzzle, his eyes are
red and watery and burning at this point, and he absolutely, positively refuses to look away from
that puzzle for even half a second. At that point, what I do is, I take my bag of peanuts, and I
throw it at that guys face. And Im like, Yeah. Im not allowed to open my bag of peanuts and
eat it, on account of the peanut allergy guy. So I made good use of the peanut bag, and I threw it
at your face to get you to take a break from Sudoku!