Take Me to Church

Before starting the long journey to Zambezi, I had a small flutter

of fear cross my mind about how completely unprepared I felt.
Thirteen days later I know that no matter what I did to prepare, I
still would have felt this way, but Ive learned there really is
nothing that will prepare you for the people you meet, the
emotions you feel, and the things you learn. For me this journey
has been a long process in the making, a process that has taken
almost two years.
When we finally landed in Zambezi, the last bush plane to touch
the sandy runway, I was overwhelmed with emotion, but the only
words running through my head were that I had finally made it.
All of my fears about being unprepared disappeared right then
and there. I was told landing in Zambezi could be quite emotional.
Crowds of shouting children run to you to hold your hand and
grab onto you, and the beautiful school choir begins to sing. As I
looked around I could feel my throat get tight, and my eyes start
to water; I was on the verge of a full crying breakdown. Tears of
joy are just as normal as tears of sadness for me, but for some
reason, I wouldnt let myself have this emotional release. I
continued to smile at the children and the beautiful voices that
must have rang all the way across the river. I was so happy, but I
wouldnt let myself commit fully to the emotion.
Nearly two weeks in, I still havent let myself cry. In many ways
this past year I have grown, but I have also taken several steps
backward. In some ways, I am more honest, stronger, and
vulnerable, but I also fear letting myself feel emotions to the
fullest, both happiness and sadness. This emotional block is
something I hope to work on and move past.
In the business and leadership classes, we are teaching the
concept of authentic leadership and how important it is to be
authentic in everything you do. However, a small part of me
wonders if Im truly being my authentic self with the people of
Zambezi.

Ive discovered that Zambezi is a place of religion and faith.

Everyday before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and before every class,
we say a prayer. Ive drawn the sign of the cross along my body
and said amen, and Ive even been to mass twice now. (The
longest at 2 hours, so far). Growing up, my family never did
such things. I never went to church on Sundays and never
considered myself religious or really even spiritual. Ive
questioned whether I am being respectful or inauthentic when I
draw the cross or fold my hands in my lap and bow my head
down.
The first time I began to try and understand what faith and
spirituality meant to me was when my mom was sick, and I felt
like I needed something to hold me steady. When I told people
she was sick, many of my friends in the Gonzaga community
shared they would pray for her. Looking back, I realize that what
kept me (glued) together were the people who told me they would
pray and the support within these prayers.
Faith is one of the most challenging concepts to understand
abstract and beautiful. It is a mystery to me, and talking about
why people have faith and spirituality always leads to some of my
favorite discussions.
Zambezi has refreshed and renewed the beliefs and values I do
hold and has reminded me of the power people can have. I believe
in people. I believe in the goodness that others do for each other
every day. Im thankful for the days we have created here
together, and the way that somehow, and in someway, I was
meant to be here today. I know that I was happy, singing and
dancing even in the two-and-a- half hour mass in Dipalata
because I could hear the raw power and emotion behind the
words I did not understand. The people packed into the pews and
the open spaces believed in something. Every Sunday people came
together and praised God. Im refreshed by seeing people stand up
together and sing with loud voices and full hearts. I may not
understand whom they are singing to, or the power behind their
belief, but I am captivated.
This spring I studied in Florence, Italy, and visited countless cities
and countries. Each place I visited projected a different energy
and a different feeling. Some felt more welcoming than others, but
no place compares to the complexity of emotion I have felt in
Zambezi. I have experienced the energy from standing in the
church and on the tarmac, listening to people sing with their
whole being. Zambezi has a different light like any other place,
and Im thankful for the opportunity to have stood in it, even if for
a short time. Zambezi has shown me the power of community and
that it takes time to ask questions and time to know someone. It
will probably take me time to share that maybe God isnt a part of
my life, but community is, and someday soon I will learn to sing
that loudly.
I stood in the church in Dipalata on Sunday morning directly
behind the chorus. the men dressed in their fine, white button
downs that quickly became pockets of heat, trapping sweat from
all of the dancing and singing we did. One man from the chorus
stood in the same row with Val, Morgan and I. His bright yellow
pants matched his demeanor, and you couldnt help but watch
him sing in his deep voice the church songs the choir had
prepared. I stood when he stood, and attempted to dance the
same moves he danced. While I couldnt sing the songs or even get
the footwork quite right, I couldnt help but smile. To see such a
hospitable, kind group of people welcome us into their church and
be with them was a blessing and a moment I will never forget.
I still have yet to tell anyone who lives in Zambezi I am not
religious, and maybe that day will come soon. I needed to write
these things out. I dont know how to name the fear that has held
me back for so long, and the fear that has kept me from crying,
and maybe the fear of feeling too deeply. The people in Zambezi
are not afraid to share if you ask them. The people in church are
not afraid to sing fully and loudly. Ask the right questions, and
you will end up hearing the most interesting stories.
I like asking the questions, but I never know how to answer them
myself. Sometimes I think the questions are even more important
than the answers. I dont feel incomplete or like I am missing any
part of me because I am not spiritual. Maybe someday, I will find
that faith, and my heart and mind will grow even bigger. For now,
I am happy to hear the singing on church Sundays and be
thankful for everything we say we are in our blessings. So Im
giving myself patience and grace.

Kisu Mwane (Blessings)

Grace