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PHOTOGRAPH BY ERICKA MCCONNELL SEPTEMBER 2010 LATINA.COM 123

the loveguide I YOUR MAN

"I CHEATEDAND
"Myman HEWON'T FORGIVE"
is 100 macho" THE SITUATION: For some women, being cheated on is a dealbreaker,
but what happens when you're the guilty party? That's Ali's" situation,
THE SITUATION: What would you do if

O your man insisted on a solo vacation each

year, said you should be quiet more often
and demanded that you not question him? Well,
and although she's apologized
time. "He thinks everything
profusely, her boyfriend is having a hard
that comes 'out of my mouth is a lie," she says.
THE SOLUTION: Cheating could signify that either something is lacking
Robyn" is almost at the brink of walking away in the r:elationship or there's a need for attention. "In that case, she just
ITomher five-year relationship for these reasons, learned that once you play with fire, you get burned," Nogales says.
citing a hard case of machismo. "I have a master's "She has to be honest and able to be trusted again." Thing is, even if you
degree, whereas he never finished college,"she want to make it work, he'll have to decide if he can put the indiscretion
says. "Although he makes more money than in the past. "If he keeps criminalizing her, that's something that should
1do, he demonstrates his insecurity through not be tolerated," she adds.
his actions: He stays out with friends until 6
a.m. without ca1ling..butgives me a curfew." He
even cheated on her when she was nine months
pregnant with their son, but she forgave him.
"Women like to give chances, so I'm giving them
until I'm sick and tired," she adds.
'" °can't take . "
h IS nega t IVIt Y
THESITUATION:
OO

Sometimes
'" THE SOLUTION: First ask yourself
this: Is his negative outlook
a personalityissue or a reaction
.

THE SOLUTION: For starters, you can't change our significantothers go through
anybody completely. "The most we can do is make a rough patch and we start
compromises we agre~ with and modifications to questioninghowlongwe can stick
make the other person feel better," says clinical bythem before movingon. "My
psychologist Ana Nogales, Ph.D. You should boyfriendused to be motivated,
also be aware of the survival modes that may b.utafter a bad school semester
kick in when you live With a machista: Youmay and being'laidoff,he hasn't tried
either become submissive and then depressed, or to do better for himself,"Erin"
you may start acting manipulative. Either way, says. "He complainsabout things
goingwrongin his lifebut avoids
it's destructive. Nogales suggests seeking out
tryingto fixthem. Ioffersolutions,
a therapist. "When you try and talk and nothing but he won't listen and sometimes
happens, or when you repeat yourself and it goes
takes his frustrations out on me.
nowhere, that's when you're stuck," she says. Ifeel likeIneed someone that's
"That's when you need someone else to intervene goingto moveforwardwith me,
so things can be discus.sedwith someone who can but at the same time Idon't want
be the interpreter for the relationship." to be without him."
to his current situation?"Ifhe's
reactingto a crisisin his lifeand
feelingdepressed, then this is
when you're there to help him,"
Nogalessays. Butif he's a negative
person who spends his time
blamingothers instead of taking
action, then that would be a red
flag. Todetermine what the case
maybe, compare howhe treated
friends, familyand, yes, you before
his problems arrived, "Ifhe makes
you feeLbad and it's part of his
personality,you're not goingto
help,"she says. "He has to be
responsiblefor his life."Sostep
back and see ifhe regainscontrol.

-=-----~-: -- ~---
- ::::==-
"WI LLau R
LONG-DISTANCE
LOVE LAST?"
THE SITUATION: There's a Spanish
alone on different continents. "This is
when you have to put your heart and
your intelligence together to work,"
Nogales says. "Ifyou're both really in
---
---
--
;;::
~

.
~

Relationship -.
. ~ -.-
-
..-

sayingthat goes "ArnoTde tejos;arnOT

love and feel that this is worth it, then
it's something to continue exploring." == Red Flags -- -
de pendejos," (basically, "Long-distance
Honesty is key-not just with your . Domestic Violence "Nothing
love, long-distance stupidity") but it partner, but with yourself. "Be sure justifies domestic violence;
doesn't always have to hold true. When that what you see and feel are real '-- not love, not a bad day, not
-
Anita's* boyfriend lost.his job-and his
visa-two years ago, he had to return to
and that you're not just idolizing that
relationship," she points out. She also
- drinking,
is violence,
not drugs. When
say bye-bye."
there

Ireland. "Asif the five-hour difference

suggests making a plan: See what the -...- . Blaming Yourself "When you --
wasn't hard enough," she says, "I also start thinking about what

have people who don't understand why

possibilities are six months from now --
:.....- you did wrong to make him act

I'm with him when it seems as if he's not

and realize that you'll both need to - or feel this way, that's when
make a decision. "Ifyou believe that you've become codependent in '

returning. Mami is so annoyed with him this is the guy for you, then what are --- the relationship."
for not proposing the last time Iwent to
see him, saying, 'If he marries you,.he'li
you willingto give up?" Nogales asks. -- . Cheating "If either one of you
cheats, it doesn't mean that the
As for all the criticism and advice: You
get a green card.' " . can listen, but you're the only one who --- relationship isn't worth it, but it's
time for you to take a good look
THE SOLUTION: Long-distance can make those decisions.
relationships are incredibly tryi,ngwhen ,...- at this person."
-Ana Nogates, ph.D.
couples live in different states, let *Names have been changed to protect privaq}.

124 LATINA.COM SEPTEMBER2010.