Revising for Order & Emphasis > Understanding Emphasis

For the purpose of this discussion, think of a basic sentence in terms of three
points of emphasis: the beginning, the middle, and the ending. By placing
information appropriately in each part of the sentence, you increase the chances of
your readers understanding and retaining the information and ideas you present.
In general, you want to begin with context and known information and then
present important, new information at the end of the sentence. The following
figure portrays the relative degree of emphasis readers usually accord to each part
of a sentence.

Beginnings (subjects) tell us what the sentence is about, qualify the sentence, or
relate back to a previous idea.
Middles (verbs) explain the relationship between the beginning and the end of
the sentence.
Endings (objects) provide new or important information.
Start the Exercise of Revising for Order & Emphasis

The Beginning
The beginnings of sentences do not receive much emphasis, but serve an
important function by providing the reader with context and connection. The
beginnings of sentences guide readers by reinforcing a sense of order and
connection. They connect what is to come with what came before and also
provide the context needed to understand the new information at the end of
the sentence.

For example, the subject identifies who or what the sentence is about. The
addition of certain pronouns (this problem, that situation, those events) can
reinforce the connection with previous sentences. Transitional words
(however, therefore, furthermore, next) can further signal how a sentence
relates to the previous one. Introductory phases (In most cases, Until the
1980s, Under ideal conditions) may also provide context and set limitations.
Consequently, while the beginnings of sentences may not receive much
emphasis, they are essential, providing the known information and the
connections necessary for readers to make sense of what they read.

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The Middle
The middle of the sentence consists of the verb, which achieves a certain
degree of emphasis simply because it tells the reader what is happening.
Without the verb, a reader has no idea what the subject of a sentence is doing
or, for that matter, what the sentence means. The verb tells us how the
beginning and ending of a sentence relate, allowing readers to interpret our
 meanings. In fact, we can sometimes omit the subject or the object in a
sentence and it will still make sense: Construct bridges! Engineers construct.
However, if the verb is omitted, a sentence lacks meaning (i.e., Engineers
bridges). If the verb is omitted, what do readers think the engineer is doing
in relation to bridges? Inspecting them? Designing them? Planning them?
Supervising the building of them? Simply admiring them?

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The Ending
In general, reading is least difficult and content most easily remembered
when the most important or the new information is placed at the ends of
sentences. Therefore, a well-structured sentence should move readers toward
the completion of a thought. As a somewhat exaggerated example, consider
what happens when reading a mystery novel, Suspense is generated. We
want to know who done it? -- but not until the end of the book. Similarly,
most sentences should end with the new information, with what readers do
not know and are waiting to find out.

The end of a sentence also provides information needed to understand the

next sentence. That is, the new information in one sentence may become the
context for the following one. New information becomes known information,
providing the context for more new information.

When our sentences are well-ordered, with the point of most emphasis at the
end, readers can easily keep the context and connection between ideas in
mind and retain essential information in short-term memory. The longer
information is retained in the reader's mind, the more emphasized it becomes
(which, by the way, is also a good reason for repeating important
information several times in a document).

Revising for Order & Emphasis > Empty & Weak Sentence Openers

When revising for order, check for weak sentence openers that fill two of the three points
of emphasis in a sentence with words carrying no content (i.e., It is... that and There is...
that). Revising a sentence with an empty opener is often as simple as eliminating a few
unnecessary words. The following diagram illustrates the pattern for empty openers.

Some Pointers
 Start the Style Exercise for Empty & Weak Sentence Openers

Some Pointers
1. Avoid replacing the empty opener with the word exists:

Original: There is an obvious way to handle the problem.

Revised: An obvious way exists to handle the problem.

2. Be careful to not change or distort the meaning:

Revised: Handling the problem is obvious.

3. Remember to remove that or which if used:

Original: There are ten activities that are affected by the change.
Revised: Ten activities that are affected by the change.

4. Don't change it is when it refers back to a known thing: (e.g., Bob spent six
hours writing the program, so it is his property).

5. Empty sentence openers can appear in the middle of sentences as well as the
beginnings.

6. Avoid trying to find or eliminate empty openers while drafting. Wait until
revising (unless you enjoy writer's block).

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Exercise

In the following examples, note that removing weak

sentence openers not only shifts emphasis, but also
increases clarity and conciseness.
Hint 1. Original:
There are many aspects of the problem that
have not yet been considered.

1. Revised:
 Hint 2. Original:
There are several problems that are caused by the
slow response.

2. Revised:

Explanation

Sometimes we can eliminate more than a few words:

Hint 3. Original:
It is considered that implementation of a range
of measures should lead to a reduction of the
emissions.

3. Revised:

Explanation

The following examples also reflect habitual use of

empty openers:
Hint 4. Original:
It is clear that the kiln contributes to the
problems.

4. Revised:

Hint 5. Original:
It is probable that we should measure the wind
characteristics at the site.

5. Revised:
 Explanation

Some empty openers reflect a reluctance to use first-

person pronouns (I, we):
Hint 6. Original:
It is our understanding that the clarifier does
not form a direct part of the treatment system.

6. Revised:

Explanation

Sometimes revising an empty opener out of a sentence

involves combining sentences.
Hint 7. Original:
There is a trust among peers and a growing
trust with management. This encourages open
communication and productivity.

7. Revised:

Explanation

Sometimes revising an empty opener out of a sentence

involves combining sentences.
Hint 8. Original:
It is true that there is now widespread
acceptance that there is a solid market for our
company's goods, but there is now increased
 competition for our products.

8. Revised:

Explanation

. Solution:

Many aspects of the problem have not yet been considered.

2. Solution:

Several problems are caused by the slow response.

Or Better Yet:

The slow response causes several problems.

3. Solution:

Implementation of a range of measures should lead to a reduction of the emissions.

Or Better Yet:

Implementing a range of measures should reduce emissions.

4. Solution:

Clearly, the kiln contributes to the problem.

5. Solution:

We should probably measure the wind characteristics at the site.

6. Solution:
We understand that the clarifier does not form a direct part of the treatment system.

7. Solution:

The trust among peers and the growing trust with management encourages open communication
and productivity

8. Solution:

People generally agree our company has a solid marke for its goods, but we also face more
competition.

Revising for Order & Emphasis > Embedded Phrases

Another principle of order is that the subject and verb should be close to one another.
Where possible, you should avoid complicating a sentence by inserting information that
you could place elsewhere between the subject and verb . Embedding one idea within
another can frustrate readers who expect the subject of a sentence to be followed by its
verb. The following diagram illustrates the pattern for embedded phrases.

Some Pointers
Start the Style Exercise for Embedded Phrases

Some Pointers
1. The occasional embedded phrase is OK for stylistic variety, but avoid
separating the verb from its subject.

2. Place the embedded phrase at the beginning or end of the sentence.

3. Split long sentences into shorter ones.

4. Avoid placing references in the middle of sentences and never place figures in
the middle of sentences.

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Exercise
 Embedding may also mislead the reader because a
large embedded phrase will appear more important
than it really is. As the following examples indicate,
you can often resolve the problem simply by moving
the embedded information.
Hint 1. Original:
Engineers, because they inadvertently write in
ways that, all too often, use technical jargon,
lengthy noun strings, and the passive voice,
have problems communicating with non-
specialists.
1. Solution:

Because they inadvertently write in ways that

often use technical jargon, lengthy noun strings,
and the passive voice, engineers often have
problems communicating with non-specialists.

Sometimes revising to eliminate unnecessary

embedding involves breaking a sentence in two:
Hint 3. Original:
The bipolar junction transistor, a three
terminal solid state device, which is often
referred to simply as "the transistor," is widely
used in discrete circuits as well as in
integrated circuits, both analog and digital,
because the device's performance is
remarkable predictable and quite insensitive to
variations in device parameters.

We offer this final example to point out that embedding can also be caused
by problems in your formatting.
4. Original:
For inversion cases, the dispersion models [Figures 3 and 4
were placed here] do not incorporate mixing height into E and
F stability (e.g., inversion) ambient air quality predictions.

4. Solution:
[Figures 3 and 4 should be placed here] For inversion cases, the dispersion models do not incorporate
mixing height into E and F stability (e.g., inversion) ambient air quality predictions.

Revising for Order & Emphasis > Weak Endings

Our advice to place new or important information at the end of a sentence may
seem just the opposite to what makes sense. Because we naturally focus on what
is most important, we tend to put it first when writing. However, when we do so,
our intentions and the reader's expectations are likely to conflict. In our eagerness
to communicate new information or to make an important point, we actually de-
emphasize this information. We break the flow by which new information
becomes known information, which in turn provides the context for more new
information. The following diagram illustrates the pattern for weak endings.

Some Pointers
Start the Style Exercise for Weak Endings

Some Pointers
1. Look for sentences that trail off rather lamely.

2. Also look for lengthy qualifiers tagged on at the end of the sentence.

3. Avoid small phrases introducing a list when a colon will suffice.

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Placing modifiers at the end of sentences is one way to

break the flow of ideas. The following examples
demonstrate how to restructure sentences ending with
modifiers in order to locate important information at
the end.
Hint 1. Original:
The information provided in the report
suggesting the crash was caused by
mechanical failure is not persuasive for the
most part.

Note a similar pattern in the following example:

 Hint 2. Original:
An explanation of atmospheric stability and a
detailed evaluation of its application to this air
quality evaluation is contained in Appendix A.

The revised sentence in the following example

demonstrates that creating appropriate emphasis
sometimes eliminates unnecessary repetition.
Hint 3. Original:
The department had made a series of requests
in their letters of 15 February, 20 February,
and 27 February 1999. The departmental
requests may be listed as follows:

Revising for Order & Emphasis > Passive Voice

In English, sentences can have one of two kinds of voice, active or passive, depending on
how the subject relates to the verb. That is, a subject can do something or have something
done to it. If the subject does something, it is the agent of an action, and the sentence is in
the active voice. If the subject has something done to it, it is the goal of an action, and the
sentence is in the passive voice. The following diagram illustrates the pattern for passive
voice.

Identifying Passive Constructions

Uses and Abuses of Passive Voice
Some Pointers
Start the Style Exercise for the Passive Voice

Identifying Passive Construction

AGENT ACTION GOAL
ACTIVE Some
design bridges.
VOICE: engineers
PASSIVE are designed some
Bridges
VOICE: by engineers.
GOAL ACTION AGENT
 Note that in a passive construction, the verb phrase contains the verb to be followed
by the active verb in its past participle form (usually the verb root with an -ed
ending), and then the phrase usually ends with the preposition by: is calculated by,
was measured by, were delivered by, will be completed by, has been finished by.

As you have likely noticed, the past participle (the passive form of the active verb)
generally looks like the past tense form of the verb. (V-ed). For some verbs, the past
participle has its own form. For example, the past participle of to write is written, of
to speak is spoken, and of to begin is begun.

If you are confused by grammatical terms, you may recognized the patterns more
easily by studying examples:

Active Voice Passive Voice

The boss spoke to her about She was spoken to by the boss
being late. about being late.

Or

She was spoken to about being

late.
I delayed the project. The project was delayed by me.

Or

The project was delayed.

They finally completed the job. The job was finally completed
by them.

Or

The job was finally completed.

The agency has provided the The terms of reference for this
terms of reference for this study. study have been provided by the
agency.

Note that agents can be deleted in some passive sentences, as indicated by the
alternative passive forms for the first three sentences.

Passive constructions serve a number of useful purposes. First, you can change the emphasis
of a sentence by moving the goal to the subject of the sentence. For example, if the topic of a
paragraph is a bridge rather than the engineers who built it, you can make the bridge the
subject of the sentence by intentionally using a passive construction: The Golden Gate
bridge was designed to combine form and function to dramatic effect. Because agents can be
omitted, passive constructions are particularly useful when the agent is unknown (The
program was written in C++) or when the agent is obvious or unnecessary (The project was
finally completed last night).

Because the agent can be omitted, the passive voice also allows you to avoid appearing to
blame someone. That is, you can say that a device was damaged without mentioning who
damaged it. But you can also use passive constructions to avoid responsibility. That is, you
can say that a decision was made without admitting that you made the decision.
Unfortunately, if you omit agents without thinking, your readers may assume that you are
avoiding responsibility when that is not your intention.

One of the reasons passive sentences are so common in technical and scientific writing is
that they allow you to communicate an impression of objectivity. After the experiment was
completed, the data was analyzed sounds more objective than After I completed the
experiment, I analyzed the data. The notion that scientific objectivity should be reflected in
scientific writing may well explain why some writers avoid using active voice and first-
person pronouns.

You might also want to question the value of this objectivity in some situations. For
example, compare the procedure was changed (a passive construction) with we changed the
procedure (its active counterpart). The procedure did not change spontaneously; someone
changed the procedure. Who did it may be useful information. Omitting the agent may leave
readers wondering who made the change, distracting their attention by raising a question and
thus disrupting the flow of information.

Another reason to pay attention to passive constructions is that they can be less clear than
active ones. In fact, many writers unconsciously shift to passive sentences when they are
unsure of what they are saying or are struggling to express their thoughts. In some cases, if
you take a passive sentence and rewrite it as an active one, you will realize that the passive
sentence did not express your ideas correctly. If the active sentence is more clear for you as
the writer, it will certainly be more clear for readers.

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Some Pointers
Some common uses and abuses of the passive voice are summarized in the table below.

Uses of Passive Voice Abuses of Passive Voice

Changing the emphasis of a
sentence
Omitting unknown or unnecessary
agents
Using habitually
Obscuring meaning
Avoiding responsibility

Avoiding blaming someone Creating a false sense of

objectivity
Communicating objectivity

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 When revising your own writing, consider the context
for the sentence and whether an active or passive
sentence is most appropriate to achieve effective order
and emphasis.
Hint 1. Original:
An explanation of atmospheric stability and a
detailed evaluation of its application to this air
quality evaluation is contained in Appendix A.
1. Solution:

Appendix A contains an explanation of

atmospheric stability and a detailed evaluation of
its application to this air quality evaluation.

1. Revised:

Hint 2. Original:
The terms of reference for this study have been
provided by the agency.

Revision is not quite so straightforward when the agent

is missing:
Hint 3. Original:
Therefore, the regional wind speed and
direction patterns are considered in this air
quality evaluation.

3. Revised:

4. Original:
Kirchhoffs Voltage Law was confirmed by
directly measuring the voltages in the circuit.
Turning passive sentences into active ones sometimes
requires other revision strategies.
Hint 5. Original:
As part of the analysis of roadway
improvements, the review of signal
progression along Cambie Street will be
required.

Or Better Yet:

Appendix A explains atmospheric stability and evaluates its application to this air quality evaluation.

2. Solution:

The agency has provided the terms of reference for this study.