The 8 Powerful Communications Secrets

Every Person Can Use

Cheryl Conner ,

Contributor

I write about small businesses doing innovative PR

Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own.

I have recently re-connected with a personal hero of mine: Pamela Maier, a personal
counselor or life coach as she describes the role she fulfills, because I now have a life.
Pamela is a delightful individual whos lived a variety of experiences in her 79 years.
Beginning at an orphanage in England, she was raised by a foster mom and married an officer
in the Royal Navy, a PhD who was both a psychologist and a professional illusionist. She had
a career in singing and dancing, and was a proprietor with her husband of an immersive live-
in program for children designated as mentally retarded to determine what the children
were genuinely capable of before returning them to their parents and homes. She experienced
parenthood and grandparenthood. She was widowed after 42 years of marriage and married in
2000 to lifelong friend Richard Maier, now her partner in business and life.
Life coach Pamela Maier offers communications perspective for entrepreneurs.

Her teachings have indelibly affected not only my life, but also my business. My partners
have heard me repeat Pamela wisdom on many occasions. Pamela resides with husband
Richard in Southern California, but thanks to the magic of Skype is able to counsel her clients
from anywhere, which allows me the chance to check back in with her now and again.

I met Pamela during the hardest time of my life. In 2001, as the mother of five and one of
three owners of a marketing and public relations business that was struggling to endure the
dot.com crash, I also found myself in the midst of divorce. It was a difficult time made still
harder by the fact that I lived and worked in a close-knit and highly conservative town.

When I finally mentioned the divorce to friend and professional mentor Craig Burton in an
email, he immediately picked up the phone. (Surely hed heard the scandalous news far
sooner, but hed graciously avoided the topic until Id brought it up.) Stop everything, he
said. Call Pamela Maier. Book a flight and go to Orange County this weekend. And so I
did, spending money I could not afford at the time. Ive been forever grateful since then that I
did.

Pam taught me, the PR expert, a thing or two (or 20) about core life skills and
communications. Her advice didnt change my hard situation, but it changed me. In
negotiations, in conflicts, and even in day-to-day communication, the principles she talked
about have come to life many times. Recently we re-connected as she spent some time with
my son. Have you ever written these down? I asked her. It turns out she had, and she
emailed the manuscript of her unpublished book, The Art of Communication. I was
overjoyed. Better still, shes given me permission to share some of the elements from her
manuscript here. So here they are eight of my favorite communications truths from Pamela
Maier:

Recommended by Forbes

1. You must be fully comfortable within yourself before you can be effective in
communicating with others. True discussion requires the ability to be fully present
and fully interested in the perspective of others. It is a discussion between equals, in
which you are solid and aligned within yourself to the point that you are able to hear
and desire to understand the opinion of another without interruption, without anger,
and without the need to be right. Theres not necessarily a need to agree, but the
ability to genuinely strive to understand another persons perspective is a vital skill
you should call upon often.

2. Take the time to increase your awareness. As we tend to close ourselves off to the
world outside of our phones, the television, iPad, computer or our favorite book, what
other information might await as we open ourselves up to confronting the world
around us every day in 3D? The outdoors, your own space, the objects around you
pick them up, feel them, hold them, genuinely discover them and you may be amazed
by the things you will learn. From the moment your feet hit the floor in the morning,
become aware of the solidness of the floor, and take a moment to throw open the
drapes and really take in the characteristics of the space that surrounds you. From this
vantage point, you can spend the rest of your day with an attitude of looking out
instead of contracting inward. It will make a great difference in the perspectives you
see.

3. True integrity requires learning to be yourself the same self at all times and
with all people. Weve all seen the people who shift like a chameleon to be the person
they consider fitting for every occasion. The suave and entertaining person who is life
of the party and then goes home to yell at a spouse. The boss who shines like a star
from the podium and after the program is over shouts abuse at his staff. The person
who feigns religious piety or political conservatism in front of the parent or boss and
then becomes a different person entirely for the rest of the week. Great
communication requires that you lose the attitudes you put on like a coat from your
closet and learn to exist as the same authentic and integrated person in the presence of
everyone else in your life. Who is that person? If you arent sure or the question is
suddenly giving you pause, you have work to do.
4. Help is only help in the eye of the receiver. People can become upset if the help
you provide isnt helpful for them. As you provide something others didnt really
want or werent expecting, they become annoyed and you consider them ungrateful.
As a boss, the help you are needing should take the form of a job description (the
clearer the better). As a manager or team member, learn to ask the deeper questions
such as, Of everything on your plate, if you were to receive help, what would be
most beneficial? or What kinds of feedback or additional information would be
most useful to you? These small steps can save untold anxiety while also respecting
and empowering the people you serve. It is also interesting to note that research
shows millennial employees are especially poised to thrive on helpnot on getting
help, but on giving it. The opportunity to serve others in a way they consider
meaningful can be extremely motivational and rewarding for them. (Pamela notes that
this principle is highly true when working with children as well.)

5. Be aware of your emotional level before you respond. Beyond words, we live in a
continuum of attitudes and emotions. At any instant our emotional state can range
from zero (complete apathy) to ten (flaming rage). We are at our cognitive best when
we are operating at or near the center of the emotional spectrum. Before making a
major choice, and especially before responding in a difficult situation, it is vital to
step back and take your emotional pulse. Especially when you are angry, ask yourself
What is it I want to happen? Is what Im about to say or do the best way to achieve
that result? As Pamela will say, Words have power. You cant take them back. Use
them with care. Of all the Pam Lessons that have stayed with me, this single
principle has changed outcomes within my business again and again. Always sleep on
a hard decision or discussion before acting. Avoid the temptation to react to a volatile
situation with ill chosen words. This advice applies to bragging as wellwhen a
former business competitor bragged about a contract before the deal was actually
won, it reminded me to reach back out to the former account. The result: it was my
team who won the sizeable deal. In another company a highly accomplished sales VP,
after drinking too much on the eve of a major company conference, bragged that his
company and CEO were inferior but were leading the market anyway due entirely to
his brilliant performance in sales. The next morning, he was relieved of his job. It is
also interesting in business (and personal) situations to observe that the greatest power
in the room is often held by the individuals who arent speakingthe strongest people
are often the ones who have sufficient confidence and emotional restraint to keep their
mouths closed.

6. Trust, loyalty, faithfulness and honesty are the cornerstones to resolving

misunderstandings and lies. Unless people are deliberately vicious and evil, they
dont purposely tell lies, they simply interpret what they see or are told. If theres a
drama queen in the persons nature, theyll also embellish it a bit for a better story.
But at all times, as a communicator, be careful and aware of the assumptions you
make. Allow other parties to explain themselves, or take the time to investigate the
facts sufficiently before you jump to accuse. You should put critical communications
in writing. However, when misunderstandings occur, if the four key elements are
presenttrust, loyalty, faithfulness and honestythe majority of misunderstandings
are quickly resolved. No matter how dire a misunderstanding, great communicators
will seek out the information they need before reacting and will maintain an
atmosphere of respect in the conversation that ensues. If it turns out that the worst has
actually happened, you will at least be armed with correct information (and the
 advantage of forethought) before acting. Remember that with an attitude of respect
you can be successful within most any conversation, no matter how tough. However,
if respect and honesty arent possible on either side of the table, there is little basis for
the partnership to exist and very little hope the relationship can be saved.

7. Fear is the enemy of communication. Anxiety, nervousness, panic, loss of control

(or the need to take full control) are the signposts of fear. At a primal level, fear is
your brains way of warning you to react quickly (even instantly) to present dangers
or to triggers that appear similar to bad experiences youve had in the past. Healthy
fear reacts to real and present dangers. Unhealthy fear makes people feel insecure.
They dont trust others, nor do they trust themselves to be strong enough to handle the
negative situations they may face. What are your own fears? Name them remember
them and determine once and for all (if needed, with a counselors help) if these are
real dangers or simply the unhealthy act of giving away strength to the irrelevant thing
that you fear. As you determine what youre afraid of (and why) it may help to ask
yourself just how big the danger is. Bigger than an avalanche? And now describe a
fear you dont have thats even bigger than that. A train wreck? Or a bomb explosion?
From that perspective, perhaps your fear of giving a speech is not such a big deal after
all, and you can free yourself to proceed.

8. Blame is an irresponsible attitude. When you assign blame, you demonstrate to the
world that you are too weak to own the responsibility of your actions. When a person
jumps to blame others, they lose the ability to make a truthful assessment of the
relevant facts. Blame becomes wrapped up with its companions of Shame and Regret.
The opposite of blame is responsibility (response+ability), the power to respond to a
situation and the ability to make it right, if possible. Sincere apologies are the result of
responsibility. But a person who is shamed into apologizing is not genuinely
apologizing at all. And regret is a useless emotion that leaves a person mired and
stuck in the past. So the next time you are tempted to blame the tool youve used, or
the manufacturer, or another person, take the time to investigate all of the facts and
enact a responsible solution instead.

There is much more, of course. But the crux of these eight Pamela lessons can make a
profound difference for any business, any leader, and any personal or working relationship.

Should every entrepreneur participate in life coaching? Whether its a little or a lot, I would
say emphatically yes, or at least that it just doesnt hurt. Pamela doesnt recommend that
her clients continue forever, but notes that in even the most challenging situations (short of
longterm addiction/recovery), within the space of 30 hours of work she can help an individual
develop an inner foundation of strength that should allow them to continue forward with
success on their own.

Whether or not you pursue life coaching, I suggest that every entrepreneur or executive
develop a habit of reading and absorbing all of the information on beneficial communications
you can find. (For example, you could use the books and audio materials on Crucial
Conversations and Crucial Confrontations to make a positive start.) You can also bookmark
or print this article as a periodic reminder. But in a nutshell, remember the Golden Rule of
Communication, according to Pam: Do as you would be done by and her philosophy to live
by, You Live as you Think. These are wise words from a wise lady. Those who would like
to connect with Pamela directly can find her at maier.pamela518@gmail.com.
8 Ways to Master the Art of
Communication
The better you become at using these tools, the better youll be at communicating.
Jim Rohn
July 24, 2016

The art of communicationI like that phras

e. Because communicating is an art. When were attempting to get our message out to others,
its as though we start with a giant blank canvas and we then begin to paint a picture, any
picture we desire.

Now, most people assume that when painting a picture, they have only a few basic brushes at
their disposal. But the advanced artist knows there are many tools available to create their
masterpiece, and they use each to their advantage.

The same is true with communication. There are many tools available to you as you
communicate; you just have to be aware of them and then use them purposefully.

The better you become at using these tools, the better youll be at communicating.

Related: Rohn: The 4 Building Blocks of Good Communication

The two primary categories these tools fall into are verbal and nonverbal. Lets look at the
different ways you can use each to improve your ability to communicate.

Verbal Communication
1. Your words

Its been said that people judge you by the words you use, and this is true. Choose your words
wisely. Words have power. They have the power to move nations and they have the power

to destroy as well. When you speak, use your words carefully.

Here are a few things to consider in regard to your words:

Avoid using words that will cause the other person to think poorly of you. Slang is
one example. Another is, of course, slurs of any type. Use words that communicate
positive values. Use optimistic words, words of strength. Make sure they are
understandable.

Use words that are colorful and rich with meaning, as long as they can be understood
by the listener.
2. Your Vocabulary

An expanded vocabulary will set you apart. It enhances the communication process and
draws others in.

Your vocabulary can reveal to others how educated you are, and others may make judgments
about you that can affect your opportunities with them. The best communicators will use an
expanded vocabulary with more educated groups and a more basic vocabulary with less-
educated groups.

Just as important as what you say is how you say it. What tone are you using? When you
speak, are you monotone? Or do you move the tone of your voice, changing it up? This will
naturally help people follow what youre saying. Changing the tone of your voice is a very
effective way to draw people into your message. Imagine if a painter only used one color. We
want lots of color and lots of tone.

Along with the words you use and your tone, consider your pace. Sometimes when you speak
you may need to go slowly, and sometimes you may need to go very fast. The speed with
which you speak will tell others certain things. A fast pace will communicate that youre
excited about something. A slow pace usually communicates thoughtfulness or that you really
want them to hear your point.

Choosing your pace is also like using your volume in an effective way. Master
communicators will draw their audience in by fluctuating their voice from very loud to a near
whisper. The audience doesnt even know that the speaker is taking them on a roller coaster
ride of communication. There are lessons to be learned here. Even in a one-on-one
conversation, we can shift and change volume, keeping our communication more effective.

Related: 9 Tips to Say It Better

3. Emotion

The emotions you communicate while speaking are vital. The key here is to show emotion
without getting emotional. Emotions can be a very effective communicator. For example,
showing anger can communicate that you are very serious about something (as long as you
dont get angry often). Allowing yourself to cry can show a side of you to others that
communicates that you are a person of passion who, while being a hard-charging person who
desires success, also has a tender side. Allowing yourself to laugh will communicate that you
have a fun side and do not take yourself too seriously. Emotion, if controlled, is a powerful
communicator.

4. Enunciation

Do you speak clearly so people can understand you? Enunciation is an often-overlooked key
to effective communication. Its imperative to clearly enunciate our words so that people
understand us. Clear enunciation gives us a little punch to our communication. Work on
enunciating your words clearly. The key is to get it just rightenunciating so that your words
dont run together but not over-enunciating so that you sound unnatural.
In all of these principles, the idea is variety. Anytime we communicate in a single way, we
become predictable and people stop listening. Think of yourself. Do you like to listen to
people who speak at one speed, in one tone, with a boring vocabulary and without emotion?
Of course not! Then we should make every effort to be colorful and effective communicators.

And we can beif we work at it and practice, practice, practice!

Nonverbal Communication
What you say affects how you communicate, certainly, but just as important is what you dont
say. Yes, your nonverbal communication has a major impact on how well you communicate.

Have you ever given much thought to how you communicate nonverbally? Here are some
thoughts on ways to use nonverbal communication to support what youre saying verbally.

5. Your Hands

Keeping your hands by your side will make you seem stiff and uncomfortable. Instead, use
your hands to communicate. Now, dont get too demonstrative to the point where people are
wondering where your hands are going next. One way to see what you do nonverbally is to
record yourself speaking. Watch what you do with your hands.

6. Your Eyes

The eyes can be a very powerful tool in communication. You know the old saying, the eyes
are the window to your soul? Its true. Think of what a mother communicates to her
newborn when she gazes into their eyes, or what a couple says without words when they look
into each others eyes. The eyes speak volumes.

Have you spoken with someone who is constantly looking around? What does that
communicate? A lack of interest in what you have to say.

When you speak to someone, look at them. Give them your attention with your eyes. Listen
to them with your eyes. Communicate with them that they are important.

7. Your Arms

Some people dont even realize when theyre closed off to someone else by crossing their
arms when the other person is speaking. Those who study this tell us that crossing the arms is
a surefire way to close yourself off from the other person. It communicates closure, fear and
opposition.

8. Speaking Position

When youre communicating, especially in a presentation situation, your speaking position,

whether you are standing, sitting, kneeling, etc., can communicate a lot.

For example, my good friend Zig Ziglar, a master of the stage, will frequently move to the
front of the stage and kneel. What is he nonverbally communicating? He is saying, Listen
closely to this. This is really important. He is bringing the audience in for an intimate
moment. Even in a room with 1,000 people, this way of communicating can make every
individual feel like Zig is speaking closely to just them.

Sitting communicates casualness. I know many speakers will give a considerable part of their
presentation this way. John C. Maxwell, another friend of mine, and a world-class leadership
expert, gives quite a bit of his speeches while sitting. His style is informative and casual
and it is effective.

6 Tips to Be a More Confident Speaker

Patti Johnson
July 31, 2015

Did you know almost 75 percent of us suffer from some anxiety about public speaking?
Research says so.

So you can probably relate to this question I received after speaking to a lively group of up-
and-coming entrepreneurs: How can I be more comfortable as a speaker? Im never as
confident as Id like to be. Havent we all felt that way before?

Given my work as a consultant, business owner and author, speaking to groups small and
large is a very important part of what I doand Ive been through that journey, of
overcoming the nervousness that surrounds speaking in public.

These changes in habit and thought worked for me and can hopefully help you, too:

1. Stop trying to be someone else.

If you are funny, be funny. If you are informal, be informal. There is no one right way to be a
great speaker. Rather than a performance, think of it as sharing your ideas and experiences to
help others.

Ive seen so many interesting people put on a mask when they walk in front of a room. If you
communicate very differently as a speaker than when talking with your co-workers, you may
have on your speaker disguise.

Let yourself shine through and the audience will connect with youflaws and all.

2. Dont look for approval. Focus on contributing

.
This was a big one for me. If you have your mind on I want to be good, then you will stay
inwardly focused. Instead, think about helping even one audience member see a familiar
topic differently, hear a great idea they can use or receive needed encouragement.

So ask, Did I have an impact? This outlook is counter to I hope they like me, which makes it
all about younot them.

3. Practice. A lot.
I wish there were an easier way, but I havent found it. The more I speak, the more
comfortable I get. I think its a little like playing Major League Baseballthe crowds wont
get to you if you are comfortable at the plate.

Look for simple ways to get that practice. I know people who have joined groups, like
Toastmasters, to get more practice. Or one of my clients volunteered to facilitate the
leadership meeting to increase her confidence as a speaker and facilitator. You can also
volunteer to speak on your area of expertise at local conferences or association meetings.
These smaller venues outside of work can be a safe way to learn and practice.

Nothing replaces getting out there and in front of the room.

4. Watch TED Talks.

There are thousands of TED videos that serve as an instructional library on speaking. These
presenters have spent weeks preparing so they can give it their best. Watch how they share
their thoughts and connect with the audience. What worked for them that feels right for you?
How did they grab their audiences attention early?

The other thing I love about TED is the visual reminder that there is no one right answer on
giving a great presentation. All kinds of personalities and styles can keep you engagednot
just the entertaining extrovert.

5. Video yourself speaking.

Before you think, I dont have the resources or the budget. This is simple. Just bring an iPad
and set it up the next time you speak to a group. Ask a colleague to help. It can be very low
key. Nothing replaces a video of you in action because how we think we show up isnt always
the way others see it.

I am conversational and so I like to move around as I talk. I learned from video that
sometimes I roam too much. So I had to limit my travels a little. Ive had colleagues and
clients learn that they were looking at their slides more than the audience, making statements
that sounded like questions based on their inflection or talking too fast. This client learned to
slow down and use pauses for great effect. She increased her impact just by watching a video
of herself.
Only video will reveal what others see and we dont.

6. Know your content cold.

This doesnt mean memorize what you want to saybut go through your key points multiple
times so that its very familiar and firm in your mind. Prepare well. When you get nervous,
really knowing what you want to say will help calm the nerves.

Even when Im speaking on very familiar topics, I always do a couple of run-throughs. I

improvise and adjust, but my core remarks are top of mind before I start.

You can do this. Get your mind focused on impact rather than your personal report card. And,
practice. Every time will get a little easier.

How to Speak Well... and Listen Better

10 ways to be better at both sides of the conversation
Nido Qubein
May 12, 2015

There are two sides to every conversation, and both are essential to the art of communication.

Related: 6 Tips to Rule the Art of Conversation

So, how are your conversation skills? Think about it: Are you a smooth talker, or do you
ramble? Are you an attentive listener, or do you tend to interrupt?

Heres how to master the art of conversationboth sides of it:

When its your turn to talk

1. Get your thinking straight.

The most common source of confusing messages is muddled thinking. We have an idea we
havent thought through. Or we have so much we want to say that we cant possibly say it. Or
we have an opinion that is so strong we cant keep it in. As a result, we are ill-prepared when
we speak, and we confuse everyone. The first rule of plain talk, then, is to think before you
say anything. Organize your thoughts.

2. Say what you mean.

Say exactly what you mean.

3. Get to the point.

Effective communicators dont beat around the bush. If you want something, ask for it. If you
want someone to do something, say exactly what you want done.

4. Be concise.

Dont waste words. Confusion grows in direct proportion to the number of words used. Speak
plainly and briefly, using the shortest, most familiar words.

5. Be real.

Each of us has a personalitya blending of traits, thought patterns and mannerismswhich

can aid us in communicating clearly. For maximum clarity, be natural and let the real you
come through. Youll be more convincing and much more comfortable.

6. Speak in images.

The clich that a picture is worth a thousand words isnt always true. But words that help
people visualize concepts can be tremendous aids in communicating a message.

But talking, or sending messages, is only half the process. To be a truly accomplished
communicator, you must also know how to listen, or receive messages.

If youre approaching a railroad crossing around a blind curve, you can send a message with
your car horn. But thats not the most important part of your communication task. The
communication that counts takes place when you stop, look and listena useful admonition
for conversation, too.

Related: 9 Tips to Say It Better

So, when its your turn to listen

1. Do it with thought and care.

Listening, like speaking and writing, requires genuine interest and attention. If you dont
concentrate on listening, you wont learn much, and you wont remember much of what you
do learn. Most of us retain only 25 percent of what we hearso if you can increase your
retention and your comprehension, you can increase your effectiveness.

A sign on the wall of Lyndon Johnsons Senate office put it in a down-to-earth way: When
youre talking, you aint learning.

2. Use your eyes.

If you listen only with your ears, youre missing out on much of the message. Good listeners
keep their eyes open while listening. Look for feelings. The face is an eloquent
communication mediumlearn to read its messages. While the speaker is delivering a verbal
message, the face can be saying, Im serious, Just kidding, It pains me to be telling you
this, or This gives me great pleasure.
3. Observe these nonverbal signals when listening to people:

Rubbing one eye. When you hear I guess youre right, and the speaker is rubbing one eye,
guess again. Rubbing one eye often is a signal that the speaker is having trouble inwardly
accepting something.

Tapping feet. When a statement is accompanied by foot-tapping, it usually indicates a lack

of confidence in what is being said.

Rubbing fingers. When you see the thumb and forefinger rubbing together, it often means
that the speaker is holding something back.

Staring and blinking. When you see the other person staring at the ceiling and blinking
rapidly, the topic at hand is under consideration.

Crooked smiles. Most genuine smiles are symmetrical. And most facial expressions are
fleeting. If a smile is noticeably crooked, youre probably looking at a fake one.

Eyes that avoid contact. Poor eye contact can be a sign of low self-esteem, but it can also
indicate that the speaker is not being truthful.

It would be unwise to make a decision based solely on these visible signals. But they can give
you valuable tips on the kind of questions to ask and the kind of answers to be alert for.

4. Make things easy.

People who are poor listeners will find few who are willing to come to them with useful
information. Good listeners make it easy on those to whom they want to listen. They make it
clear that theyre interested in what the other person has to say.