MR.

BELLAMIN'S KINDERGARTEN CLASS

(Late Night Animated Comedy Series)

"Pilot" ("Economics")

by

Rodney Ohebsion
INT.CLASSROOM-DAY

MR.BELLAMIN(35,white)isteaching20kindergarten
STUDENTS.

MR.BELLAMIN
OK.Todaywe'regonnalearnabout
economics.Doyouguysknowwhat
economicsmeans?

BILLY
Ithinkit'swhen,like,there's
somepeople,theydon'tgoto
church,andthey'realsonot
Jewish,somydaddysaysthat
they'reeconomicsfun-men-lists.

MR.BELLAMIN
Uh.No,Billy.You'rethinkingof
Islamic.Islamicfundamentalists.
I'mtalkingabouteconomics.

BILLY
What'sthedifference?

MR.BELLAMIN
There'sabigdifference!They're
twocompletelydifferentthings.
Economicsisaboutmoney.It's
abouthowpeoplemakemoneyand
spendmoney.

BILLY
IateCinnamonToastCrunchfor
breakfastthismorning.

MR.BELLAMIN
AndI'msureyougotplentyof
vitaminsandminerals.Butlet's
sticktoourlesson,andlet's
talkabouteconomics.Economics
hastodowithmoney.

SARAH
OnetimeIhadadollar,andI
usedthemoney,andIbought,
like,somegum,andIchewedit.
Isthateconomics?

MR.BELLAMIN
Tosomeextent,yes.

XANDER
Soeconomicsisgum.
 2.

MR.BELLAMIN
No.Economicsisaboutmakingand
spendingmoney.Youcanspend
moneyongum,burritos,
sandwiches,motorcycles,
underwear,iPhones,Tropicanapulp
freeorangejuice,whatever.But
beforepeoplespendmoney,they
havetomakemoney,withsomekind
ofjoborbusiness.

BECCA
Um.Mr.Bellamin.Doyouhavea
joborbusiness?

MR.BELLAMIN
Yes,Becca.Ihaveajob.

BECCA
Whatjob?

MR.BELLAMIN
I'makindergartenteacher.

MADISON
Someonepaysyoumoneytodothis?

MR.BELLAMIN
Yes!Igetpaidthirtythree
thousanddollarsayear.

BECCA
Wow.That'salotofmoney.You're
rich.

MR.BELLAMIN
Uh.Newsflash,honey.Ilivenear
thepovertyline.

BILLY
Myfriend,hisnameisTom,and,
um,helivesnearDisneyland.And
theyhaveMickeyMousethere,and
alsoteacupsthatyousitin.

MR.BELLAMIN
That'safantasticstory,Billy.
Thestoryabouthowyourfriend
livesnearDisneyland.ButwhenI
saythatIlivenearthepoverty
line,I'mnottalkingaboutthe
actualplacewhereIlive.Idon't
literallylivenearaplacecalled
"povertyline."
 3.

SARAH
IlivenearBenandJerry'sice
cream.Myfavoriteflavoris
chunkymonkey.

MR.BELLAMIN
People.Let'sfocushere.No
chunkymonkey,noMickeyMouse.
We'retalkingabouteconomics
rightnow,andhowthischeap
schoolpaysmeasalaryofthirty
threethousanddollars.

BECCA
Mr.Bellamin.Ifyouhavethirty
threethousanddollars,then,um,
canIhaveahundreddollarsand
tencents?

MR.BELLAMIN
Idon'thavethirtythreethousand
dollars,Becca.Theypaymethirty
threethousanddollars.Ispend
thatmoneyonbasicstuff,like
rent,andelectricity,andtaxes,
andliquor.

BILLY
Andcereal.

MR.BELLAMIN
Yes,Billy.Andcereal.Iteach
kindergarten,Imakethirtythree
thousanddollars,andI'mbroke.
SoBecca,ifyouwantahundred
dollarsandtencents,goaska
richpersonforit.

BECCA
Likewho?

MR.BELLAMIN
LikeBillGates.Hehasahundred
billiondollars.

XANDER
Whatgradedoesheteach?

MR.BELLAMIN
Hedoesn'tteachagrade,Xander.
Youdon'tbecomeabillionaireby
workingforthefuckingschool
district.Youbecomeabillionaire
bydoingotherstuff.
 4.

XANDER
Likewhat?

MR.BELLAMIN
Like,bytypingMicrosoftHTTP
bullshitonacomputer,and
programmingtheWindowsWozniak
codeandtwohundredfiftysix
gigabytes.

XANDER
Whydon'tyoudothat?

MR.BELLAMIN
BecauseI'mnotanerd.It's
bettertobebrokelikeme,than
towearglassesandsweatersand
beacomputernerdlikeBillGates
orSteveUrkel.Kids--ifsomeone
offersyouanerdycomputerjob
thatpaysalotofmoney,youknow
whatyoudo?Youjustsayno.

LEO
Um.Mr.Bellamin.I'mnotsosure
you'reeducatingusproperly.

MR.BELLAMIN
Well,Mr.smartguy.Whydon'tyou
educateusproperly,you
douchebag?Whydon'tyoucomeup
hereandteachusabouteconomics?

Leowalksuptothefrontoftheclass.

LEO
(toClass)
Um.OK.Well.Like...

MR.BELLAMIN
Oh.It'snotsoeasywhenyou're
standinguphere--isit?

LEO
(toClass)
Um.Well.Like,let'sstartoffby
talkingaboutmacroeconomicand
microeconomicpolicies.

MR.BELLAMIN
Whatthefuckarethose?
 5.

LEO
Well,Mr.Bellamin.Macroeconomic
policiesaretheonesthatinvolve
fiscal...

MR.BELLAMIN
OK.Ithinkwegetthepoint.
Thanksforallthatmacroeconomic
bullshit,Leo.Gositdownand
drinkyourtwopercentmilk.

LEO
Wehaven'thadmilktimeyet.

MR.BELLAMIN
Thengodrinkyourjuicebox.

Leowalksbacktohisseat.

MR.BELLAMIN(CONT'D)
(toClass)
OK.So,letmecontinuemylesson
oneconomics.Let'scoverthepart
aboutalimony.
(toLeo)
Doyouknowwhatthatis,Leo?

LEO
No.

MR.BELLAMIN
Wellthenmaybeyoudon'tknowas
muchasyouthinkyoudo,Mr.
Know-it-All.Alimonyisthemoney
youpayyourwhoreofanex-wife,
afteryoudivorceher.Shegets
thealimonymoney,andshespends
it.

BILLY
Whatdoesshespendthemoneyon?
CinnamonToastCrunch?

MR.BELLAMIN
No.NotCinnamonToastCrunch,
Billy.Shespendsthemoneyon
typicalwhoresupplies.Eyeliner,
andvodka,andclearheels,and
Botox,andjewelry.Doyouguys
knowwhatvodkais?

EVERYONE
No.
 6.

MR.BELLAMIN
I'llshowyou.

Mr.Bellamin'sassistantJOE(20)isseatedatateacher's
desk.

MR.BELLAMIN(CONT'D)
Joe--gobuysomevodkaandbring
itbackhere.

JOE
Um.I'monlytwenty.

MR.BELLAMIN
And?

JOE
I'mnotlegallyallowedto
purchasevodka.

MR.BELLAMIN
Wellthengotomyapartmentand
getsome.Idon'thaveanyvodka
there,though--becausevodkais
forpussies.IdrinkPuertoRican
rumoutofadirtybottle.Takemy
keys,gotomyapartment,and
bringbackthedirtiestbottleof
rumyoucanfind.

JOE
Um,OK.

JoetakesasetofkeysfromMr.Bellaminandleaves.

XANDER
Canwedosomesingingnow?

MR.BELLAMIN
Ofcoursewecandosomesinging.
Let'ssingthesongabouthowmy
ex-wifeisagoldigger.

SARAH
Herjobistodigforgold?

MR.BELLAMIN
No.WhenIsaidgoldigger,Imeant
thatfiguratively.Notliterally.
Shedoesn'tliterallydigfor
gold.Sheliterallyfucksmenfor
money.
(MORE)
 7.

MR.BELLAMIN(CONT'D)
Andshemarriesmen,andthen
afterthemarriage,shecollects
alimony,andshespendsthemoney
onwhoresupplies.So,let'ssing
thesong,andthenyou'll
understandwhatagolddiggeris.

LEO
Isthissongeducational?

MR.BELLAMIN
Absolutely.
(sings)
Thecourtsystemisdesigned/To
favorwomenwhoarewhores/They
askforlotsofmoney/Andthe
judgegivesthemmore

XANDER
Isthatthewholesong?

MR.BELLAMIN
Um.Letmethink.
(sings)
OldMcDonaldhadafarm/EIEIO/
Andthenhisex-wifetookthefarm
/Andsheaskedformore/Witha
moomoohere/Andamoomoothere
/Hereamoo/Thereamoo/That
womanwon'tstopmooing/Whybuy
thecowwhenyoucanhavethemilk
forfree?

LEO
Well,Mr.Bellamin.Itsoundslike
you'vehadsomebadrelationships
withwomen.

MR.BELLAMIN
Andwhothehellareyou?My
psychologist?

LEO
I'mjustsaying.Maybeifyou
startdatingwomenwithclass,
you'llstopactinglikesucha
lunaticidiot.

MR.BELLAMIN
That'safantastictheory,Leo.
Butbelieveitornot,I'mnot
gonnatakerelationshipadvice
fromaguywhothinksPokemonis
thegreatestmovieofalltime.
 8.

Mr.Bellamin'sphonerings.Hetakesthecall.

MR.BELLAMIN(CONT'D)
Whatisit,ma?...Idon'tknow.
I'mtryingtoeducatesomekids
rightnow....Whosaidthat?...
Well,yes.Iamsortofdating
someone.Butwhyarewetalking
aboutthisrightnow?...No--I'm
notplanningtogetmarriedagain.
...Fine.OK.Yeah.Setmeupwith
yourfriend'sdaughter.Shesounds
delightful.I'msureshe'savery
nicegirl.Actually,I'msure
she'llseemniceatfirst,and
thenafterIgooutonsixor
sevendateswithher,she'llstart
actinglikeapsycho,thewayall
womendo....Fine....Bye,ma.
(hangsupphone)
Man.I'mfreakinghungry.Where's
Joewiththatrum?Xander--whatdo
youhaveforlunch?

XANDER
Um.Apeanutbuttersandwich.

MR.BELLAMIN
I'llgiveyouthreepenniesfor
it.

XANDER
Amilliondollars.

MR.BELLAMIN
Fourpennies.

XANDER
Abilliondollars.

MR.BELLAMIN
Yousonofabitch.Isthathow
younegotiate?

XANDER
Yes.

MR.BELLAMIN
Well.Thenyouneedtohearmore
ofmylessonsoneconomics--'cause
rightnowyousoundlikean
economicdumbfuck.
(toClass)
So,yeah.
(MORE)
 9.

MR.BELLAMIN(CONT'D)
Let'stalkmoreaboutabout
economics.Let'ssee.Economics.
So,um,peoplehavejobs.

KATE
Likegoldidgger?

MR.BELLAMIN
Golddiggerisnotajob,Kate.
Unlessyoumeangoldigger
literally.Areyoutakingabouta
literalgodigger?

KATE
Idon'tknow.What'sliteral?

MR.BELLAMIN
Idon'tknow.Idon'tknowhowto
explainliteraltoakindergarten
student.

LEO
Thenwhyareyouakindergarten
teacher?

MR.BELLAMIN
Fuckyou,Leo!That'swhy.OK?
You'resupposedtolearnwords
throughcontextclues,andnot
throughdefinitions,youasshole!

LEO
Mr.Bellamin.Ithinkyouhave
someangerissuesyoumightwant
toexplore.

MR.BELLAMIN
Thereyougoagain,withyour
psychoanalysis.Ihaveanger
issues?Well,youdon'tevenknow
howtotieyourshoes,buddy.

LEO
Youdon'tevenknowhowtosetup
youronlineaccountsforautomatic
billpayments.Ihadtodoitfor
youyesterday.

MR.BELLAMIN
Great.Youknowhowtotoallthat
internetbullshit,butyoudon't
knowhowtotieyourshoes.
(MORE)
 10.

MR.BELLAMIN(CONT'D)
Seehowfarthatskillsetwill
takeyou.
(toClass)
Kidstheseday--they'retapping
awayontheiPadsandwhatever,
andtheyknowtoomuchabout
technology.It'snotnatural.Go
outsideandplay.Stopdownloading
apps.Kidsshouldnotbeteaching
grownmenwithhairychestshowto
usetechnology.

LEO
Fine,Mr.Bellamin.I'llstop
doingtechsupportforyouand
yourhairychest.

MR.BELLAMIN
Youbetternotstop,Leo.Ineed
youtoshowmehowtotodothat
HBOonDemandthing.Also,showme
howtogotoWellsFargodotcom,
andtransfermoneyfrommy
checkingaccounttomysavings
account.Iwanttodothat.
Becauserightnow,Igottwo
hundredseventythreedollarsin
mycheckingaccount,andit'snot
earninganyinterest.Iwantto
getthatonepointtwopercent
interestthecheapassbankpays.
(toClass)
That'smoreeconomics,boysand
girls.Economics.Yougotthese
banks.Thesedamnbanks.Don't
trustthem.Youknowhowmuch
moneyWellsFargomakesinone
year?Tentrilliondollars.Cash.
Taxfree.Andeverypennyismade
illegitimately.Youthinkbanks
arelegitimate?Youthinkso,
Sarah?

SARAH
Idon'tknow.Whatdoeslegitimate
mean?

MR.BELLAMIN
Don'tworryaboutwhatlegitimate
means.Thepointis,abankis
slightlymorelegitimatethana
cocainedistributor.Letme
explaintheeconomy.
(MORE)
 11.

MR.BELLAMIN(CONT'D)
I'mgonna,youknow,tellyou
aboutthetensectorsofthe
economy.I'mgonnagiveyouthose
tensectors,inorderofhow
legitimatetheyare.

ANDRE
But,like,whatdoeslegitimate
mean?

MR.BELLAMIN
Youkidsneedtostopaskingso
manyquestionsaboutwhatwords
mean.So,um,herearetheten
sectors.

XANDER
Whatdoessectormean?

MR.BELLAMIN
Isaidnomorewordquestions.OK.
Thetensectors,inorderof
legitimacy.Thefirstsectoris
theonewithcriminals,lawyers,
andusedcarsalesmen.They'rethe
leastlegitimate.Thenyougot
goldiggingwhores.They're
slightlymorelegitimatethanthat
lastgroup.Thenyougotpeople
whorundrugcartelsandstuff
likethat.Thenyougotallthese
sonsofbitchesininthebanking
industry.Thenyougot
psychologists--whoareallidiots
andconartists.Andthenyougot
thatBillGatescharacter,who
createsmonopolies.He'salsoa
pieceofgarbage.Andthen
finally,yougotpeoplewho
actuallyworkrealjobs.
Legitimatejobs.

XANDER
Mydadisahedgefundmanager.
Whatdoesthatmean?Isthata
legitimatejob?

MR.BELLAMIN
No.It'shalfwaybetweenbeinga
heroindealerandbeingaloan
officerandbeingawhore.
 12.

LEO
Youcan'tbehalfwaybetweenthree
things.That'sgeometrically
illogical.

MR.BELLAMIN
Listen,asshole.It'sonly
geometricallyillogicalifyou
interpretmywordstooliterally.

XANDER
Whatdoesliterallymean?

MR.BELLAMIN
Literallymeansliterally!It
literallymeansliterally.Now,we
weretalkingaboutthejobsyour
parentshave.

MADISON
Myfatherisaplumber.

MR.BELLAMIN
Whatthehellareyoutalking
about,Madison?I'veseenyour
fatherdrivingabrandnew
Bentley.

MADISON
So?

MR.BELLAMIN
ABentleycoststhreehundredGs,
honey.

MADISON
Youcanbuyacarwithletters?

MR.BELLAMIN
No!AGisathousanddollars.
ThreehundredGs.Threehundred
thousanddollars.That'sthecost
ofyourfather'scar.Whatkindof
plumbingdoeshedo?

MADISON
Um.Hedoesplumbing.He'sa
plumber.

MR.BELLAMIN
IsheaplumberthewayTony
Sopranoisacottoncandy
salesmen?
 13.

MADISON
Whatdoyoumean?

MR.BELLAMIN
Imeanyourfather'splumbing
businessmustbeafrontfor
organizedcrime.Capiche?

MADISON
Um.What?

MR.BELLAMIN
Doesyourfatheractuallyplumb?
Doesheworkonpipes?

MADISON
Um.Well.Hehasotherpeoplewho
workonpipes.

MR.BELLAMIN
Oh.Sohehasaplumbingbusiness.
Well.I'mgonnabreakdownwhat
thatisforyou,kids.I'mgonna
breakthatdownwithnumbers.Do
youkidsknowaboutnumbers?

XANDER
Icancounttotwenty.Andone
time,Ievencountedtotwenty
nine.

MR.BELLAMIN
Verygood,Xander.Nowlistento
thenumbersIsay.Yousee,what
Sarah'sfatherdoesis,hehas
plumberswhoworkforhim.Hepays
thoseplumbers.Hepaysthem
thirtyfivedollarsanhour.But
hechargescustomersahundred
dollarsanhour.Listentothe
numbers.Hepaysthirtyfive
dollarsanhour.Andhechargesa
hundreddollarsanhour.Youknow
howthatshitworks?

XANDER
No.

MR.BELLAMIN
Ahundreddollarsiswaymore
moneythanthirtyfivedollars.
Becausethenumberonehundredis
morethanthirtyfive.Doyouguys
understandthat?
 14.

CLASS
Yes.

MR.BELLAMIN
Youcalloveraplumber,hecomes
overandfixessomethingfor
twentyminutes,andhehandsyoua
bill.Ahundreddollarsforlabor.
That'stheminimum.Andthirty
dollarsforparts.Hecharges
thirtydollarsforapartthat
onlycostthecompanytwelve
dollars.

BILLY
Thirtyismorethantwelve.

MR.BELLAMIN
Yes.Goodjob,Billy.Thirty
definitelyismorethantwelve,
youmathgenius.Sotheseplumbing
companies,theychargeyoua
hundredthirtydollarstotalfor
partsandlabor,andtheyspend
thirtydollarsonpartsandlabor.
WhichmeansSarah'sdad,the
scumbagbusinessman,hegetsa
hundreddollarsforsittingonhis
assandwatchingPokemon.Any
questions?

SARAH
What'sascumbag?

MR.BELLAMIN
Yourfather.He'sascumbagwho
drivesaBentleypaidforby
illegitimatetoiletmoney.

ANDRE
Mymotherisadentist.

MR.BELLAMIN
Wellgoodforher.Shesoundslike
awhore.Thesedamndentists--you
gointhereforacheckup,and
theychargeyouahundreddollars
tocleanyourteeth.Um.Ican
brushmyteethonmyown,fortwo
centsworthofColgate,and1cent
worthofelbowgreaseandtap
water.Butthesedentists--they
chargeahundreddollarsfora
teethcleaning.Unbelievable!
 15.

ANDRE
Butshe,um,shesayssheremoves
plaque.And,um,gingeritus.

MR.BELLAMIN
Great.Letmegogetheran
N-Double-A-CPaward.Wow.She
removesplaqueandgingivitisfor
ahundreddollarsfortenminutes,
andapparentlythatmakeshersome
kindofhero.

ED
Myfatherisacoalminer.

MR.BELLAMIN
Yes.thereyougo.That'sa
legitimatejob.Coalmineristhe
onlylegitimatejobthereis.
Exceptformaybescientist.I
thinkweneedsomescientists,
too.Coalsminersandscientists.
Kids--fromnowon,I'monlygonna
teachcoalminingandscience.

LEO
Myfatherisascientist.He'sa
physicist.AndI'mpursuinga
careerinnuclearchemistry.

MR.BELLAMIN
Oh.Wellthenthehellwith
science.Itsoundsreallynerdy.
Let'sjuststicktocoalminer.
OK,class.Thatconcludesyour
kindergartenlessononeconomics.
Everyonegooutsideandtakea
fivehourrecess,andthengo
home.