LEMONTAY

Episode 2: "The Jello Woman"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY
LeMONTAY (35, black) SCARLET (30, white, attractive), CHUCK
(35, black), and DHENNESSY (35, black, muscular, low voice)
are seated at a round table. LeMontays cat LEONARDO is
lying on the table.
SCARLET
LeMontay. I need to ask you
something serious. Does this purse
make me look fat?
LEMONTAY
Baby--do you think Ive ever
noticed a purse in my life? Im a
man. So I notice
significant things--like video
games, and white girls with big
asses.
LeMontay looks at his cat Leonardo for a few seconds.

LEMONTAY
Exactly.
He then looks at DHennessy.

LEMONTAY
DHennessy. You heard him. Take
care of it.
DHENNESSY
Uh. What exactly did I hear?

LEMONTAY
Leonardo just said that we need
some hot sauce on this table.
DHENNESSY
Right. Yeah. Thats what I heard.
DHennessy turns to a MAN seated at the table next to
theirs.

DHENNESSY
Waiter. We need a bottle of Franks
RedHot, and a bottle of Tapatio.
MAN
Um. Im not your waiter. Im just
some guy sitting at the table next
to yours.
DHennessy points a gun at his head.
 2.

DHENNESSY
(angry)
I said, we need some hot sauce!
MAN
Um. OK. Ill go get some.
He gets up and walks away.
Two WOMEN walk into the restaurant.

SCARLET
(notices someone)
I just saw Megan Gellar walk into
the restaurant. Im gonna go ask
her if this purse makes me look
fat.

She walks into the indoor section of the restaurant.

A WAITRESS walks up to LeMontays table.
WAITRESS
May I take your orders?
LEMONTAY
Baby--Im LeMontay Redmond. Im the
most successful rapper in the
world. You dont need to take my
order. Just give me twenty plates
of the most expensive foods you
done got in this entire restaurant.
WAITRESS
Uh. OK. Ill go get that, um, what
you just said.
She leaves.
Chuck spots HEATHER (30, attractive, white) from a distance,
walking towards their table.
CHUCK
(to LeMontay)
Isnt that that crazy woman you
used to date? The one whos into
Jello?
LEMONTAY
Um. Yeah. Thats the Jello bitch.
LeMontay ducks under the table.
 3.

Heather walks up to the table and sits down. She looks under
the table at LeMontay.
HEATHER
Hi, honey. Did you order for me?

LeMontay gets up from under the table and sits down.

LEMONTAY
Uh. What is you doing here?

HEATHER
What do you mean what is I doing
here? Its our anniversary.
LEMONTAY
Are you talking about the
anniversary of when you took a piss
on the hood of my Ferrari, or
the anniversary of when you sewed
together all my underwear and made
a parachute?

HEATHER
The anniversary of our third
date. Remember?
LEMONTAY
We dated for like two weeks, five
years ago. How many times do I have
to tell you that its over?
HEATHER
Well if its over, then how come
you slept with me last week?
LEMONTAY
Because.
(to Chuck)
Chuck. How come I slept with her
last week?
CHUCK
Um, like, because of the, um,
like... because of the aliens.

LEMONTAY
(to Heather)
Exactly. The aliens.
HEATHER
What aliens?
 4.

LEMONTAY
(to Chuck)
What aliens?
CHUCK
(to DHennessy)
Yeah, DHennessy. What aliens?
DHENNESSY
(to Heather)
Um. Like, um, the Vulcan aliens who
visited LeMontay.
HEATHER
What did they tell him?
DHENNESSY
(to Leonardo)
Yeah, Leonardo. What did they tell
him?
LeMontay stares at his cat Leonardo for a few seconds.

LEMONTAY
(to Heather)
There you go. You heard Leonardo.
HEATHER
Um. I dont think I did hear him.

LEMONTAY
What--you got water in your ears?
Leonardo said the aliens told
me, "If you dont sleep with that
woman, were gonna melt your
brain." So--yeah. I slept with you
because of them aliens, and because
you were butt naked. But, yeah. We
cant be hanging out like this. As
Im sure you know, Im in an
exclusive, mahoganous relationship
with Scarlet Weatherly.
HEATHER
Who?
LEMONTAY
The actress. The one you see me
with on TV and in magazines.
HEATHER
I dont watch TV or read magazines.
What I do is put orange Jello in my
(MORE)
 5.

HEATHER (contd)
refrigerator, and then I stare at
my refrigerator while I hum the
theme to Seinfeld.
She hums the theme to Seinfeld.
LEMONTAY
Uh. Point duly noted.
HEATHER
LeMontay. Based on everything Ive
heard over the last ten seconds, I
think its obvious that your
relationship with that Scarlet
woman is just some fling. Which
means youre available. Im
available, too. And from now on,
Im gonna be with you twenty four
hours a day, seven days a week--or
Im gonna tase you with fifty
thousand volts of electricity.
She gets up, takes a taser out of her purse, tases a MAN,
and then sits down again.

LEMONTAY
Very interesting. But,
uh--DHennessy. Tell her why she
shouldnt be with me twenty four
seven.

DHENNESSY
Uh. Can I buy a vowel?
LEMONTAY
(to Heather)
Listen. Im not available. Because
me and Scarlet are actually, uh...
engaged.
HEATHER
Well how come youre not wearing an
engagement ring?
LEMONTAY
(to DHennessy)
Can you at least answer that
question, DHennessy?

DHENNESSY
Why I keep on keep on getting all
the hard questions?
 6.

(to Heather)
Uh. Heres what it comes down to,
Jello Woman.
HEATHER
My name is Heather. Not Jello
Woman.
DHENNESSY
Right. Yeah. You see, the thing is,
LeMontay is a member of the Zulu
tribe--and its against Zulu law to
wear an engagement ring.
Scarlet walks over to them and sits down.
SCARLET
LeMontay. Lets go somewhere else.
Someone just told me that Paris
Hilton eats at this restaurant.
Ughh. Im way too high class to eat
where she eats. By the way--
(takes out her cell phone)
--listen to this Tweet I just wrote
about my ass.
HEATHER
(to LeMontay)
Who is this ho?

LEMONTAY
This is Scarlet Weatherly.
HEATHER
(to Scarlet)
Oh. Congratulations.
Heather gets up, tases another MAN, and then sits down
again.
SCARLET
What you you congratulating me for?
My ass tweet?
HEATHER
No. Your engagement to LeMontay.
The man I would stalk all day every
day if he werent engaged to you.
SCARLET
Um. Me and LeMontay are not eng...
 7.

LEMONTAY
Oh. Baby. Um. Did I forget to,
uh...
He looks at Heather. She has one hand in a a large bowl of
Jello, and another hand holding an electric prod.
LEMONTAY
(still talking to Scarlet)
...propose?

SCARLET
Yes.
LEMONTAY
Oh. Well, uh--Scarlet Weatherly.
Will you, like, fucking, um...
(clears his throat)
(looks at Heather)
(looks back at Scarlet)
marry... someone... who might be...
me?

EXT. STREET - DAY

LeMontay, Scarlet, and Leonardo are walking.
SCARLET
LeMontay. Im so excited.
LEMONTAY
About what? Your ass tweet?
SCARLET
Our engagement.
LEMONTAY
(to Leonardo)
Leonardo. What is this bitch
talking about? ... Oh. Yeah. Right.
(to Scarlet)
Um. Listen, baby. About that whole
"will you fucking marry me" thing I
said. You see, let me clarificate.
Like, you know, there was some
Jello bitch at our table. And
furthermore, like, the word "marry"
can sometimes mean Merry Christmas,
or Mary had a little lamb.
MIKE (60) walks up to them.
 8.

MIKE
(to Scarlet)
Honey--have you seen my gun?
SCARLET
No, daddy.
MIKE
Im looking for my gun.
SCARLET
Here?
MIKE
Just in LA, in general.
SCARLET
Daddy. Guess what? Me and LeMontay
are getting married.
MIKE
To who?

SCARLET
To each other.
MIKE
Oh. .... You realize hes
black--right, honey?

SCARLET
Yes.
MIKE
(to LeMontay)
So youre gonna marry my daughter?
LEMONTAY
Uh. Well. The thing is... uh...
Mary had a little lamb.

MIKE
Well. I guess she did. ... Let me
just say this. Before, I thought
you were just stringing my daughter
along, like the no good son of a
bitch that you are. But if you do
the respectable thing and marry
her, I suppose I wont have to kill
you.
 9.

SCARLET
Now, daddy. Hush up, Youre not
gonna kill another one of my
boyfriends.

LEMONTAY
Another? What you mean another?
MIKE
As in, Ive killed three--and when
I kill you, thatll make you
another.

LEMONTAY
(to Scarlet)
Uh. Baby. I gotta go, like, um, do
some stuff, you know, related to,
like... I gotta record some songs
for my next album. So, yeah. I
gotta go.
He picks up Leonardo and runs away.

INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY

LeMontay, DHennessy, Chuck, and Leonardo are getting their
hair cut by four BARBERS (male, black), including AL (60),
who is cutting LeMontays hair.

CHUCK
So now that youre engaged, how
many bachelors parties are you
gonna have?

LEMONTAY
25. But Im not engaged.
CHUCK
But you still want to have
bachelors parties?

LEMONTAY
Hell yeah. Im surprised I didnt
think of that earlier. From now on,
Im gonna have two bachelors
parties a week, until the day I
drop dead.
AL
Damn straight. Let me tell you
something, young blood. If the
pigeons aint got no butter, then
(MORE)
 10.

AL (contd)
the Robitussin is on top of a
blueberry muffin. Straight up.
Thats how we do things where Im
from, in St. Louis.

LEMONTAY
No doubt, Al. We gotta do them
bachelor parties right. I aint
engaged to nobody. I aint never
getting married.

CHUCK
Yeah. But, like, you know. What you
gonna do with Scarlet, now that
shes your fiance who you proposed
to?

LEMONTAY
I guess Im gonna have to
re-explain to her how Mary had a
little lamb. Oh--and I also got to
deal with her father, who
threatened to kill me.
DHennessy--why dont you go handle
that dude?
DHENNESSY
Im not messing with him. Hes
crazy.
LEMONTAY
So what? Youre crazy, too. And
Ive seen you beat the hell out of
all kinds of crazy people.
DHENNESSY
Still. Your fiances father is way
crazier than me. And the rules of
crazy stipulate that if you is
crazy, you dont mess with dudes
who is even crazier than you.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

LeMontay, DHennessy, and Chuck are seated across from a

POLICE DETECTIVE (50, white, overweight). Leonardo is on
LeMontays lap.
POLICE OFFICER
So what can I do for you?
 11.

LEMONTAY
Some white dude threatened to kill
me.
POLICE OFFICER
Wait a second. Arent you that
famous rapper?
LEMONTAY
Yeah. Im LeMontay Redmond. Youre
probably one of my superfans. Do
you want an autograph?
POLICE OFFICER
Dont you have a rap song that
talks about how cops are
terrorists?

LEMONTAY
Yeah. The song is entitled "All
Cops Are Terrorists." I wrote the
song all by myself. Its on my
third album, which is entitled Fuck
the Police. So do you want an
autograph, or what?
The Police Officer officer takes out a bottle of mace and
sprays LeMontay in the eyes.

LEMONTAY
Ow! Damn, homey!
CHUCK
(to DHennessy)
Dude. Get your cell phone out.

DHENNESSY
You want me to take a selfie?
CHUCK
Nah. I want you to record all of
this.
DHennessy takes out his cell phone and starts recording.
POLICE OFFICER
(to LeMontay)
Sir. Im afraid we cant do
anything about the white dude who
wants to kill you. After all, were
gonna be very busy. You know. With
terrorism.
 12.

LEMONTAY
Yeah. I can tell youre about to
terrorize a box of donuts, you fat
motherfucker.
The Police Officer maces LeMontay again.
LEMONTAY
Ow. Damn, homey. Calm down. Look.
When I said "all cops are
terrorists," that was a hip hop
metaphor. A lot of the shit I be
rapping is metaphorical. As
evidenced by the fact that my
fourth album is entitled A Lot of
the Shit I Be Rapping is
Metaphorical.
POLICE OFFICER
And what about when you called me a
fat motherfucker? Was that a
metaphor, too?
LEMONTAY
No. Youre literally a fat
motherfucker.

INT. BENTLEY - DAY

RANDALL (45, white, British) is driving, DHennessy is in
the passengers seat, and Chuck and LeMontay are in the back
seat. Leonardo is on LeMontays lap.

LEMONTAY
Man. I cant believe that cop
sprayed an entire can of mace in my
eyes.

DHennessy is looking at his iPhone.

DHENNESSY
I cant believe that after I posted
the video on YouTube five minutes
ago, it got twenty three thousand
thumbs up.
CHUCK
Read some of the comments.

DHENNESSY
Al Sharpton said, "The police
should throw his black ass in a
pool of mace."
 13.

LEMONTAY
Man. Im finnah throw my fiance in
a pool of mace. How am I gonna
disengage my engagement to her?

CHUCK
Well. At least you got the Jello
bitch off of your tail.
LeMontay looks at Leonardo.

LEMONTAY
What?!
(to Chuck)
Chuck. You heard him. Get the
binoculars and check it out.

CHUCK
Uh. Remind me again what I heard?
LEMONTAY
Leonardo said that the Jello bitch
is two cars behind us.

Chuck grabs some binoculars and uses them to look through

the back window.
CHUCK
Uh. Yeah. That is the Jello bitch.

LEMONTAY
(to Randall)
Yo, Jeeves.
RANDALL
My name is Randall.
LEMONTAY
Whatever. British man. Pull over.
RANDALL
Yes, Mr. Redmond.
(Later)
Randall pulls over, as does Heather in her car behind them.
LeMontay gets out the car and walks over to Heathers car.

LEMONTAY
Can I help you?!
 14.

HEATHER
LeMontay. What are you doing here?
LEMONTAY
What am I doing here? Well. I was
just in the neighborhood in the car
two cars in front of you that you
was following, and I thought Id
stop by and say hi.
HEATHER
Oh. How nice of you. Hi. So, where
are you headed?
LEMONTAY
Well. You know where youre headed?
Im headed in the opposite
direction.

HEATHER
What a coincidence. Thats also
where Im headed.

LEMONTAY
Thats paradoxical. In Latin, you
committed an eo ipso ad homo
fallacious felony of logic.
HEATHER
Ooh, LeMontay. Youre so sexy when
you start speaking Latin. You know
what would really be sexy and
logical? You, naked, in my bedroom.
LEMONTAY
... Youre pretty good at logic.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

LeMontay and Scarlet are seated at a table.

SCARLET
So. Lets set a wedding date.
LEMONTAY
Well. The thing about date is,
maybe when you say date, you be
talking about one of them sugary
things that British dudes eat when
they drink tea.
 15.

SCARLET
Ooh. Good idea. Well get one of
those wedding cakes that have dates
in them. Those are really popular.

Mike walks up to their table.

SCARLET
Daddy. What are you doing here?
MIKE
Im just picking up some food. Im
gonna take it back to my place, and
have a private dinner with my new
girlfriend whos African American.
Shes a great girl. And shes
really made me realize that maybe I
like black people. Well, I mean,
not all of them.
He stares at LeMontay for five seconds.
MIKE
Some of them, I want to kill
repeatedly.
LEMONTAY
Um. I think you have to get going
now.

MIKE
I suppose I do.
(he starts walking away)
Where the hell is my gun?

EXT. LEMONTAYS HOME (BACKYARD) - DAY

LeMontay, DHennessy, Chuck, and ED (30, black) are sitting
around and drinking.

DHENNESSY
(on phone)
What you mean, baby?! ... Listen,
Sandra. I dont got time for this.
I got a lot of work to do. ...What
do you mean what do I do for a
living? You know what I do for a
living? Im a member of LeMontay
Redmonds entourage. ... That is
too a job! .... Whatever. ... I
said, Ill call you when Im done!
... OK. By the way, I love you
(MORE)
 16.

DHENNESSY (contd)
baby. Hugs and kisses. We gonna
have sex tonight three times. Peace
out!
He puts away the phone.
DHENNESSY
Women. Cant live with em, cant
live without em. Cause, I mean,
they tripping all the time--but on
the other hand, they smell great.
LEMONTAY
Dude. You just gotta know how to
deal with women. You know what Im
saying? Like, just study the way I
deal with women. I know how to
handle them.
CHUCK
So did you break off the
engagement?
LEMONTAY
Well. No. I bought Scarlet two
million dollars worth of jewelry
yesterday, and were still engaged.
But, like, you know, I did convince
her not to move in here with me
until after the wedding.

ED
By the way, homey--even if she
moves in, Im not moving out.
LEMONTAY
Nigga, even if she doesnt move in,
I want your black ass out of here.
Listen, Ed. I only invited
DHennessy and Chuck to live
here. I just let you in one day to
show me how to beat Super Mario
Brothers Three, and you havent
left yet. Im finnah evict you.

ED
You cant evict me, homey. I got
squatters rights.
LEMONTAY
Squatters rights? You better squat
your black ass back to your mammas
house!
 17.

LeMontays phone rings. He looks at it.

LEMONTAY
(to Everyone)
The Jello bitch is calling me
again. Listen to this voicemail she
left for me earlier.
He plays a voicemail on speakerphone.

HEATHER (VOICEMAIL)
LeMontay. I want to run my hands up
and down your sweaty chest, and
then take a few meters of cow
intestines, and wrap them around
your sweaty neck. Just like I did
two hours ago.
CHUCK
Wait. Did you have sex with the
Jello bitch two hours ago?

LEMONTAY
Of course I did! I mean, the Vulcan
aliens said they would melt my
brain if I didnt sleep with her.

DHENNESSY
On the other hand, the Jello bitch
said shes gonna mix your brain
with orange Jello and serve it for
Thanksgiving.

LEMONTAY
Nah. I know how to deal with women.
Ill talk to her and get her to
stop following me.

CHUCK
When are you gonna do that?
LEMONTAY
Soon. I mean, shes gonna be here
in three hours. For the wedding.

CHUCK
What wedding?
LEMONTAY
Well, like, I mean, when we was
having sex earlier, she manipulated
me into proposing to her and
setting a wedding date of tonight
at 7:15.
 18.

DHENNESSY
Where the hell am I gonna find a
good wedding gift between now and
then?
LEMONTAY
Nigga--I aint marrying no one. Im
still sowing my royal oats.

CHUCK
Sowing your royal oats?
LEMONTAY
You know. Like that dude said in
Coming to America.

CHUCK
I aint never seen Coming To
America.
LEMONTAY
What?! Thats the best movie ever!
You gotta watch that shit right
now! Lets go to my movie room!

INT. LEMONTAYS HOME - DAY

LeMontay, Chuck, DHennessy, and Leonardo are walking out of

LeMontays private movie theater.
CHUCK
Yo, man. That was the bomb.
LEMONTAY
What was your favorite part?
CHUCK
"Just let your soul glow!"
LEMONTAY
Thats my favorite part, too.
(to Leonardo)
What was your favorite part,
Leonardo? ... Yeah. Thats my
favorite part, too.
(to Everyone)
Lets watch the entire movie again.
(Cut to Later)

LeMontay, Chuck, DHennessy, and Leonardo are once again

walking out of LeMontays private movie theater.
 19.

CHUCK
That was even better the second
time.
The doorbell rings.

LEMONTAY
That must be the private
investigator I hired.

INT. LEMONTAYS HOME - DAY

LeMontay is seated next to e PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR (male, 45,
white).
LEMONTAY
So what did you find out about the
Jello bitch?
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Well. Lets see. After I had sex
with her, she started talking about
how green Jello is actually the
same color as red Jello.
LEMONTAY
You had sex with her?

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
I was doing research.
LEMONTAY
You were doing research on her
vagina?

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Im a very thorough investigator.
Thats why I charge five hundred
dollars an hour, and I carry
seventy three condoms at all times.
LEMONTAY
So what you gonna do about this
woman and the way she stalking me?

Heather is standing ten feet away from them, wearing a

wedding dress, and holding a bowl of Jello.
HEATHER
(sings)
Heres comes the bride / All
dressed in white.
 20.

DHennessy starts crying.

CHUCK
Are you crying?
DHENNESSY
You know how emotional I get at
weddings! I always cry when I go to
a wedding, or when I watch the
movie Rocky Two, especially the
part where Rocky caches that
chicken.
LEMONTAY
(to Heather)
Uh. Listen, baby. You slept with
(points at the Private
Investigator)
him--so, the wedding is off.
She walks towards them.
HEATHER
Why would the wedding be off?
(to the Private Investigator)
Honey. You dont want to marry me?
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Sure I do. Were gonna get married,
just like I said.
HEATHER
Well then lets go to Vegas.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Just go back to the car, and give
me a minute to finish talking to
Mr. Redmond.
HEATHER
And what about the yellow Jello?
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Leave it in the glove compartment.
HEATHER
OK, honey.
She leaves.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Yeah. I proposed to her earlier
today. Im gonna marry her, since I
(MORE)
 21.

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR (contd)

love crazy bitches. Anyways, you
owe me ten grand for the PI work,
plus a five thousand dollar fee for
marrying that crazy bitch.

LEMONTAY
Dude. You stole my fiance.
DHennessy. Get this low down dude
out of my house.

DHennessy is still crying.

DHENNESSY
OK.
He picks up the Private Investigator and throws him out of
the house.
DHENNESSY
Get the hell out of here!
CHUCK
Why are you still crying?
DHENNESSY
I told you! I get emotional at
weddings!

INT. LEMONTAYS HOME - NIGHT

LeMontay, Chuck, DHennessy, and Leonardo are once again
walking out of LeMontays private movie theater.

CHUCK
Man. That movie gets better every
time you see it.
The doorbell rings.

LEMONTAY
That must be my original fiance.
OK. Listen. If any of yall manage
to break off my engagement to her,
Ill give that person a suitcase
filled with hundred dollar bills.
Ed is standing near them.
ED
Am I eligible for that?
 22.

LEMONTAY
The eligibility is open to you and
your mama and Pat Sajack and
everyone else on the planet.
(looks at Leonardo for five
seconds)
... Exactly. Nathaniel Hawthorne is
a fantastic novelist. Good point,
Leonardo.

INT. LEMONTAYS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

LeMontay and Scarlet are sitting on a sofa.
SCARLET
LeMontay. Why are we still here?
Arent we gonna go out for a
romantic dinner?
LEMONTAY
This is the romantic dinner.

Theres a bag of Funions and two 40 ounce bottles of malt

liquor on the table.
LEMONTAY
Forties and Funions.

Chuck and DHennessy enter.

CHUCK
Oh. Hey, Scarlet. Hows it going?
SCARLET
(annoyed, bitchy, unreceptive)
Fine. Im just having a romantic,
intimate, private moment with my
fiance.
CHUCK
Right.
(sits down)
By the way. I was just talking to
DHennessy about Sex and the City.
SCARLET
Sex and the City?
CHUCK
Yeah. Like, we was talking about
how three of the four women on that
show got married--and all three of
(MORE)
 23.

CHUCK (contd)
them white bitches had wack
marriages.
SCARLET
Well. Thats because they werent
in love, the way me and LeMontay
are.
Ed enters.

LEMONTAY
DHennessy. What you got to say
about all this?
DHENNESSY
I dont know, man. Im still
feeling emotional from the wedding.
SCARLET
What wedding?
LEMONTAY
He said the setting. We changed the
setting on our Nintendo--and you
know how emotional DHennessy is
when it comes to video games.
Chuck--talk about marriage.

CHUCK
Um. OK. Did I ever tell yall about
the time I was in love? It was
like Romeo and Juliet. But then me
and my woman, we got engaged, and
she moved in, and then we was more
like Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez.
Cause, you know. Engagements are,
um, like detrimental to
relationships and romance and what
not.

SCARLET
(to LeMontay)
Can you tell your friends to leave
us alone so we can have our
romantic dinner? And can you also
tell them to move out of this
house?
ED
Hey. I aint going nowhere, Scarett
Weatherly. Legally, I can reside
here all I want--cause legally, I
(MORE)
 24.

ED (contd)
got whats known as squatters
rights; as in Ive been here, ergo
I can stay here. Look up the law.
Squatters rights.

LEMONTAY
(to Scarlet)
Thats true. That is a hundred
percent true. What Ed said. You
know what Im saying? Like, um, he
got squatters rights. And Chuck,
DHennessy--same thing. Its
illegal for me to tell them to
move. So, yeah. If me and you get
married and live together, Ed is
gonna be here all day. Oh--and
Chuck is gonna be here all day. And
hes gonna be shoving ketchup
bottles up his ass.
CHUCK
Excuse me?

LEMONTAY
Thats what you normally do around
here? Right?
CHUCK
Uh. I mean. I guess.
LEMONTAY
Dont guess, Chuck. Show Scarlet,
so she can get a preview of home
life as Mrs. LeMontay Redmond.
CHUCK
I dont think she needs to see it
right now. She can just visualize
it, and shell get the point.

LEMONTAY
No. She should really see it,
Chuck. If she sees that, then
someone else I know will see a
suitcase full of hundred dollar
bills. If that someone wants to get
paid, he needs to show, and not
tell.
The doorbell rings.
 25.

CHUCK
Im gonna go get that.
Chuck opens the door to reveal Mike, who;s holding a gun.
MIKE
(to Scarlet)
Hi, honey.
SCARLET
Daddy. How did you know I was here?

MIKE
I planted a tracking device on you
that alerts me every time youre in
the home of a black man. I just
came here to tell you that I found
my gun.
SCARLET
Thats great, daddy.
MIKE
Isnt it? Also, I broke up with my
girlfriend, because she wanted us
to watch Tyler Perrys House of
Payne. Which is a ridiculous show.
And that made me realize that
whites should not marry
blacks--especially if those blacks
watch any programming on the damn
BET.
LEMONTAY
Oh. Well. My Tivo is set to the
BET, the whole BET, and nothing but
the BET, indivisible, with liberty
and justice for Tyler Perry and
Shucky Ducky.

MIKE
Well if you watch he BET, then you
and Scarlet shouldnt get married!
LEMONTAY
Oh.
(to Scarlet)
Well. I guess the engagement is
off. You know. I wouldnt want to
disrespect your father by engaging
in an interracial marriage with
you.
 26.

MIKE
Great. Tootles.
He leaves.
LEMONTAY
Well. I guess were not engaged no
more.
SCARLET
You know what? Well still keep
seeing each other, even though my
family is against it. We can be
like Romeo and Juliet.
LEMONTAY
If that means were gonna have sex
and be un-engaged, then count me
in.
SCARLET
Oh, LeMontay. Youre so romantic.

LEMONTAY
I know, baby. Lets have sex.
(to Chuck, DHennessy, and Ed)
Everyone, get the fuck out of my
house.

ED
But I got squatters rights.