LUIGI'S DONUTS

"Pilot"

by

Rodney Ohebsion
INT.LUIGI'SDONUTSHOP-DAY

LUIGI(40,overweight,sortofatypicalJerseyShore/
Brooklyntypeofguy,ordinaryinalotofways,butalso
prettyrudeandsortofalowlifeinothers)isworking
behindthecounterinhissmall,independentlyowneddonut
shopinasmallcitynearBaltimore.

ACUSTOMER(30,male)walksuptohim.

LUIGI
What'llyouhave?

CUSTOMER
Uh.DoyouguyshaveFrapuccinos
orsomethinglikethat?

LUIGI
Lookaround,jerkoff.Thisisn't
Starbucks.Thisisthemostbasic
donutshopinallofAmerica.We
havethreethings.Donuts,coffee,
andmilk.Orderone,ortwo,or
allthree,orkissmyItalianass.

CUSTOMER
CanItalktoyourmanager?

LUIGI
OK.Letmefindhim.
(walksinsmallcircles
afewtimes)
Ifoundhim.I'mLuigiofLuigi's
Donuts.

CUSTOMER
Verygood,Luigi.Keepcalling
yourcustomersjerkoffs,andsee
howfarit'llgetyourbusiness.
Seehowmanyonestarratings
it'llgetyouonYelp.

LUIGI
I'veseenthem.
(pointstothewalls,
whicharepartly
wallpaperedwithpieces
ofpapercontainingYelp
reviews)
Look.Iwallpaperedhalfthis
placewithmyonestarreviews.
(walksovertothewall
andreadsoffofit)
Herewego.Onestar.JoelP.
(MORE)
 2.

LUIGI(CONT'D)
Andersonsaid,"Thepricesare
low,thedonutsareOK--butLuigi
isanasshole."

CUSTOMER
Wellifyouhavesomanyonestar
reviews,thenwhatkindofa
lunaticactuallycomeshereasa
regularcustomer?

LUIGI
You'renotfromaroundhere,are
you?

CUSTOMER
Iam.I'mfromBaltimore.

LUIGI
Thisain'tBaltimore.Thisis
JacksonCity.

CUSTOMER
WhichisrightnexttoBaltimore.

LUIGI
Sowhat?JacksonCityis
definitelynotBaltimore.In
JacksonCity,thereareplentyof
peoplewholovethisdonutshop
andwhatitrepresents.It'sa
bastionagainstpolitical
correctness,andWholeFoods
Market,andeverythingthatJohn
Waynewasagainst.Peoplecometo
Luigi'sDonuts,theygetadonut
andcoffee,andtheygetme,andI
probablycallthemajerkoff.
That'stheLuigi'sDonuts
experience.Ifyoudon'tlikeit,
thenheadondowntoKrispyKreme,
andgetthecreamy,faggy
experiencetheygotthere.

CUSTOMER
Youcan'tsayfaggy!

LUIGI
FirstAmenndment,buddy.Ihaveit
uponthewall,rightnexttothe
onestarreviews.
(MORE)
 3.

LUIGI(CONT'D)
(pointstoacopyofthe
Constitutiononthe
wall,neartheYelp
reviews)
Now,howmanydonutsdoyouwant?

CUSTOMER
KissmyIrishass!

LUIGI
Haveaniceday.Next.

TheCustomerwalksout.BOB(45,slightlyoverweight)walks
uptothefrontoftheline.

BOB
HeyLuigi.

LUIGI
HeyBob.

BOB
I'llhaveacoffee,andtwojelly
donuts.

LUIGI
Ithinkyou'dbebetteroffhaving
onedonut,youpudgysonofa
bitch.

BOB
Iweighlessthanyoudo.

LUIGI
That's'causeyoudon'tworkina
donutshop.

BOB
Goodpoint.

[Showintro]

INT.LUIGI'SDONUTS-DAY

[Later]

Bobisatatableeatingadonut.

ACUTOMERinthefrontofthelinegetsabagfromLuigi
andthenwalksoutofthedonutshop.

AUSSIEALEX(30)isthenextpersoninline.
 4.

LUIGI
AussieAlex.What'llyouhave?

AUSSIEALEX
Achocolatedonutandamilk.

Luigishandshimthedonutandmilk.

LUIGI
That'llbetwodollars.But,
um--letmeborrowfifteenhundred
dollars.

AUSSIEALEX
WhatdoIlooklike--theBankof
Australia?

LUIGI
No.Youlooklikeakangaroo
molester.

AUSSIEALEX
Upyours,Luigi.

LUIGI
Soareyougonnaloanmethe
fifteenhundreddollars,ornot?

AUSSIE
Ornot.

LUIGI
Fine.Achocolatedonutandmilk.
Twodollars.

AussieAlexhandshima$5bill.Luigiputsitinthe
register.

AUSSIEALEX
...Well?

LUIGI
Wellwhat?

AUSSIE
Igaveyoufivedollars.

LUIGI
There's,uh,anexchangerate.
FivedollarsAustralianistwo
dollarsAmerican.

AUSSIEALEX
(takesoutaboomerang)
IgaveyouAmericanbills!
 5.

LUIGI
(takesthree$1bills
outoftheregisterand
handsthemtoAussie
Alex)
Here.Enjoyyoursnackandyour
threedollarsinchange.Nowput
downtheboomerang,mate.

AussieAlexsitsdownatatable.

AL(40,mafiatype)enters.

AL
Luigi.

LUIGI
Al.WhatcanIgetyou?

AL
Getmethemoneyyouoweus.

ARITE
Firsthaveadonut--onme.

AL
I'mtryingtoloseweight.

LUIGI
Ourdonutsaredietfood.They're,
uh,glutenfree.

AUSSIEALEX
(pointstoasignthat
says"Luigi'sDonuts:
HomeoftheMost
GlutenousDonutsin
America")
Thesignovertheresaysyour
donutscontainextragluten.

LUIGI
Damnright!Idon'tbelievein
thatSanFranciscoanti-gluten
movement.Luigi'sDonutsisa
hundredpercentpro-gluten.

AL
Idon'tgivearat'sassabout
gluten,Luigi.TheClipperslost.
Payup.
 6.

LUIGI
Well.I,uh--
(takes$20outofthe
registerandhandsitto
Al)
Here'stwentybucks.

AL
Youowemefifteenhundred!

LUIGI
(Takes$5outofthe
registerandhandsitto
Al)
Andhere'sanotherfivedollars.

AL
(Slapsthemoneyoutof
Luigi'shand)
Fifteenhundred!

LUIGI
I,uh--Igotmoneycomingin,um,
soon.

AL
Youhavetwentyfourhourstopay
me.

LUIGI
WhenIsaidsoon,Imeant,like,
notthatsoon.Asin,sixmonths.

AL
Emptytheregister.

LUIGI
Areyourobbingme?

AL
I'mcollectingadebt.

LUIGI
Ibegtodiffer.

JOSE(25)enters.

Luigiopenstheregister,takesoutallthecash,andhands
ittoAl.Alcountsit.

AL
Ahundredtwentyseven.

JosewalksuptoLuigi.
 7.

JOSE
Uh.HeyLuigi.

LUIGI
Al.Listen.Thisismyemployee
Jose.He'sanillegalimmigrant.

JOSE
I'mnotanillegalimmigrant.

LUIGI
Thepointis,you'reaforeigner,
andIpayyouincash.
(toAl)
So,I'mgonnaneedthehundred
twentysevendollarstopayhim.

JOSE
Youdon'thavetopaymeincash,
Luigi.I'lljusttakeafewsacks
offlourfromyourkitchen,
insteadofmoney.

LUIGI
Whatthehellareyougonnado
withsacksofflour?

JOSE
Mywifecanmaketortillasoutof
them.

LUIGI
YouMexicansandyourdamn
tortillas!

JOSE
I'mPuertoRican,youculero.

AL
(toLuigi)
Twentyfourhours,Luigi.Iwant
mymoney.

Hepicksupadisplaycase,throwsitagainstawall,and
exitsthedonutshop.

AUSSIEALEX
Heseemsnice.

LUIGI
Freakingbookies.Alltheycare
aboutismoney.Theydon't
appreciatesports,thewayIdo.
 8.

AUSSIEALEX
Isthatright?You'reasports
enthusiast?

LUIGI
Yes.EspeciallywhentheClippers
coverthethreepointspread.

JOSE
DidyoubetontheClippers
yesterday?

LUIGI
Yeah.

JOSE
Ialreadyknewthat.That'swhyI
betagainsttheClippers
yesterday.Ialwaysbetthe
oppositeofwhateveryoubet.I'm
upeightthousanddollarsthis
year.

LUIGI
That'sageniusstrategy,you
culero.Bytheway--canIborrow
fifteenhundreddollars?

JOSE
Uh.No.

LUIGI
Takeovertheregister.Igottago
handlesomebusiness.

Luigiexits.

AUSSIEALEX
I'mprettysurethatmeanshe's
gonnagooutandbegformoney.

JOSE
Orhe'sgonnarobtheSevenEleven
acrossthestreet.

EXT.BECKY'SHOME-DAY

Luigiringsthedoorbell.BECKY(35)opensthedoor.

LUIGI
Hey.How'sitgoing?

BECKY
Whatdoyouwant?
 9.

LUIGI
Well.Youknow.Youhaven'tsent
memyalimonyyet.

BECKY
Youcashedthecheck.

LUIGI
ThatwasthealimonyforMarch.
RightnowI'mtalkingaboutApril.

BECKY
Well.Rightnowit'sMarch
fifteenth

LUIGI
I'mjustsaying.Howaboutyou
justpaymemyAprilalimonyright
nowincash,andIgiveyouatwo
percentdiscount?

BECKY
HowaboutIstoppayingyou
alimonyaltogether,beingthatwe
gotdivorcedthreeyearsago,and
maybeyoushouldbesupporting
yourselffinancially?Andhow
aboutIcallthecops,andtell
themtoenforcetherestraining
order?

LUIGI
Honey.Wetalkedaboutthis.I
loveyoutoomuchtostayfifty
feetawayfromyou.

BECKY
Don'tcallmehoney.

LUIGI
WhatelseamIsupposedtocallmy
ex-wife?

BECKY
You'renotsupposedtocallyour
ex-wifeanything!You'resupposed
tostayfiftyfeetawayfrom
her--especiallyifshehasa
restrainingorder.Nowgohome,
standbyyourmailbox,andwait
fifteendaysforyouralimony
check,youshameless,lazy,leech.
 10.

LUIGI
(noticesaLexusinher
driveway)
Isthatanewcar?

BECKY
Yes.

LUIGI
It'snice.I'mstilldrivinga
Daihatsu.

BECKY
Well.Youshouldbeabletoafford
atleastaHyundai,withallthe
alimonyIpayyou.

LUIGI
Igotlivingexpenses,Becky!

BECKY
Andbylivingexpenses,doyou
meangamblingexpenses?

LUIGI
Samething!Ifyouain'tgambling,
youain'tliving!

BECKY
Isee.Waithereforasecond.

Sheclosesthedoor.Secondslater,Luigiwalksovertoher
window,looksinside,andknocks.Thesprinklersturnon,
andgetLuigiallwet.

LUIGI
Youthinkwaterbothersme?!

Heliesdownonthegrass,andactslikehe'sswimming.

LUIGI(CONT'D)
Checkitout,Becky!I'mswimming
inyourwater!

SUZIE(35)iswalkingonthesidewalk.

SUZIE
Luigi?

LUIGI
Oh.Hey,Suzie.How'sitgoing?

SUZIE
Um.ShouldIcallmom,andtell
heryou'reusingPCPagain?
 11.

LUIGI
No.I'mahundredpercentdrugand
alcoholfreerightnow.Bythe
way--canIborrowfifteenhundred
dollars?

SUZIE
Youalreadyowemefivehundred
dollars.

LUIGI
Idon'tseehowthat'srelevantto
thefifteenhudnreddollars.

INT.LUIGI'SAPARTMENT-DAY

Luigiwalksintoamodestapartment.Heputshiskeyson
thecounter,andclosesthedoor.Hegoestothefridgeand
getsabeer,andthenhesitsdownonthesofaandturnson
theTV.

MANONTV
TheClipperslostlastnightin
spectacularfashion,givingupa
recordonehundredseventythree
pointstoLeBronJamesandthe
Cavaliers.

Thedoorbellrings.LuigiopensthedoortorevealMIKE
(35,aJoeyTribianitypeItalian)

MIKE
Luigi.CanIcomeinforasecond?

LUIGI
Thatdepends.CanIborrowfifteen
hundreddollars?

MIKE
No.

Mikeenters

MIKE(CONT'D)
Bro.Didyouseethenewcouple
thatmovedintoapartment202last
night?

LUIGI
No.

MIKE
Well.Igotdibsonthewife.
 12.

LUIGI
Youcan'tcalldibsonher.

MIKE
Areyousayingyou'regonnatry
andsleepwithher?

LUIGI
I'msayingthatyoucan'tcall
dibsonamarriedwoman.That's
nothowthedibssystemworks.By
theway--letmeborrowfifteen
hundreddollars.

MIKE
Youofallpeopleshouldn'tneed
toborrowmoney.Youowna
business,andyoualsocollect
alimony.Bytheway--howthehell
didyoupullthatoff?WhenI
divorcedmywife,shegotallour
assets,andIpayheralimony.

LUIGI
Well.Beckywaseagertogetme
outofherhair.Plus,shecan
affordtopaalimony.Shehasher
stupidmulti-milliondollar
business.

MIKE
Whatbusinessisthat?

LUIGI
Idon'tknow.She'sawoman.She
probablysellstampons.

MIKE
Tampons?

LUIGI
Ormaybeshedesignspurses.The
pointis,shecanaffordthe
alimony.Andtheotherpointis,
womenmenstruate.

INT.LUIGI'SDONUTSHOP-DAY

AussieAlexisatthefrontoftheline.Luigiisworking
behindthecounter.
 13.

AUSSIEALEX
Letmegetabearclaw,anda
coffee.Andbytheway--youbetter
givememychangethistime.

LUIGI
Alright,Caldown,bro.Keepyou
boomeranginyourpants.Onebear
claw,andonecoffee.That'llbe
eighthundredseventythree
dollarsandfifteencents.

AUSSIEALEX
It'stwodollarsandfiftycents.

LUIGI
We,uh,haveasurcharge,on
accountof,youknow,Obamacare.

AussieAlexputstwo$1billsonthecounter.

AUSSIEALEX
Here'stwodollars.Kepethe
change.

LUIGI
Youowemefiftycents.

AussieAlexputstwoquartersinacharitybox.

AUSSIEALEX
Here'sfiftycentsforcharity.

LUIGI
Fine.Butsinceit'smyfifty
cents,Igettotakethetax
deduction.

Alenters.

LUIGI(CONT'D)
HeyAl.Finedaywe're
having--isn'tit?Youshouldgo
outsideandenjoythefineday.

AL
It'sfiftyfourdegreesandsmoggy
ashell.

LUIGI
It'sthatgood,Marylandsmog.
Goodforyourlungs.

AL
Givememoney.
 14.

LUIGI
Yes,sir.You'remynumberone
priorityMr.Al.

Luigihandshimthree$1bills.

AL
Thisisthreedollars.

LUIGI
It'sbeenaslowday.

AL
Pockets.

LUIGI
Excuseme?

AL
Emptyyourpockets.

LUIGI
AllIgotislint,andmaybea
condomortwo.

AL
Givememyfifteenhundred
dollars.

LUIGI
Ipaidyouahundredtwentyseven
yesterday,andthreetoday.So
I'vealreadypaidyou,um,
like--howmuchisthat,Aussie
Alex?TakeoutyourAustralian
abacusandfigureitout.

AUSSIEALEX
InAustralia,wedon'tbelievein
arithmetic.

AL
(toLuigi)
Listen,Luigi.Themoneyyou've
paidmesofarisinterest.
Tomorrow,givemefifteenhundred,
orelseIrepossessthisplace,
andturnitintoacalzoneshop.

Alexits.Secondslater,EVANDERHOLYFIELDenters.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Hey.Letmeget,uh,oneglazed
donut.
 15.

LUIGI
Uh.EvanderHolyfield?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Yeah.I'mfivetimeheavyweight
championEvanderHolyfield.

LUIGI
Wow.I'm,uh,ahugefanofyours.
ExceptforthetimeIlosteight
hundredbucksbybettingagainst
you.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
YoubetonTyson?

LUIGI
Yeah.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Well.Youknow.Thatwasthewrong
bet.It'slikemymamaalways
said:"Alwaysbetonblack."

LUIGI
YouandTysonarebothblack.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Youshould'vebetonbothofus.
Alwaysbetonblack.OrMexican.
Mexicanisalsoagoodbet.

LUIGI
Right.Bytheway--howdidyou
beatTyson?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Yousee,mymamataughtmethat
youthrowonepunch,andifit
don'tland,youthrowanother
punch.That'showIbeatTyson.I
didexactlywhatmymamatoldme.

LUIGI
That's,uh--that'svery
interesting.Now,uh--canyoudo
meafavorandfightTysonagain
andlosethistime?Thatway,I
canbetallmymoneyonTysonand
win.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
No.Now,whataboutmyglazed
donut?
 16.

LUIGI
Yeah.Uh.
(handsEvanderadonut)
Hereyougo.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
HowmuchdoIoweyou?

LUIGI
It'sonthehouse.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Thankyou.That'snice.Youknow,
mymamataughtmethatifyougive
amanadonut,youfeedhimfora
day.Butifyouteachamanto
donut,thatdon'tmakenosense,
becausedonutisnotnoactivity.
It'sedible.

LUIGI
That's,uh--yeah.Absolutely.Your
mamasoundsalotlikeConfucius.
Now,uh,canyoudomeafavorand
lendmefifteenhundreddollars
cash?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Idon'thavethatkindofmoney.

LUIGI
Dude.Youmadethreehundred
milliondollarsduringyour
career.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
AndIspentit.

LUIGI
Isee.Well.Um,Youknowwhat?If
youdon'thavemoney,I,uh--I
canhelpyoumakesome.I'm,a,
um,anagent.Irepresentretired
athletes.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Agent?Um.Don'tyouworkata
donutshop?

LUIGI
Uh.No.Thisis,um,mymama--she
ownsthisplace.
(MORE)
 17.

LUIGI(CONT'D)
Ijust,uh,comeherfromtimeto
time,because,um,mymama--she
saidthatifyougiveamana
fish,youfeedamanafish,but
ifyouworkacashregisterata
donutshop,youfeedamanagoat.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Yourmamasaidthat?

LUIGI
Yeah.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Well.Shemadeanexcellentpoint.

LUIGI
Right.Yeah.So,youandme,let's
teamtogether,andI'llmakeyou
money.Bytheway--mymamatoldme
totakeaseventyfivepercent
commissionfrommyclients.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Mymamasaidtogiveyouten
percent.

Bobenters.

BOB
HeyLuigi.HeyGeorgeForeman.

LUIGI
He'snotGeorgeForeman.He's
EvanderHolyfield.

BOB
Iwasprettyclose.

INT.LUIGI'SDAIHATSU-DAY

LuigiisdrivingaDaihatsu.Evanderisinthepassenger
seat.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
IsthisaDaihatsu?

LUIGI
Damnright.Now,letmethink.How
canImakeyoufifteenthousand
dollarsbytomorrow,soIcantake
myfifteenhundreddollar
commission?
 18.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Ihaveanevenbetteridea.How
aboutinsteadofustryingtomake
moneyforourselves,wetryto
makemoneyforcharity?

LUIGI
Ihaveanevenbetteridea.How
aboutyoushutyourmouth,andyou
letmecomeupwiththeideas?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Ihaveanevenbetteridea.How
aboutwegetoutofthiscarandI
kickyourass?

LUIGI
That'sagoodidea.Butlet's
thinkofanevenbetterone.

EXT.SHOESTORE-DAY

LuigiandEvanderaretalkingtoSAL(40).

LUIGI
Hey,Sal.Allowmetointroduce
youtoEvanderHolyfield.

SAL
Holymackerel!Wow!I'mahugefan
ofyours,Mr.Holyfield.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
DidyoubetonmetobeatMike
Tyson?

SAL
Well.No.IbetonTysontobeat
you.AndIalsobetonGeorge
Foremantobeatyou.ButI'ma
hugefanofyours.

LUIGI
Yeah.Weallare,Sal.Now,uh,
Listen,Evander.Salisagood
friendofmine,andheownsthis
shoestore.

SAL
Well.You'rehalfrightabout
that,Luigi.

LUIGI
Youdon'townthisshoestore?
 19.

SAL
Imeant,I'mnotagoodfriendof
yours.

LUIGI
Whatever.Thepointis,Iknow
you.So,uh,IrepresentMr.
Holyfieldhere.AndIwas
thinking.Howaboutwehavehim
hangoutinyourstoreforafew
hours?He'llsignautographsand
takepictureswithpeoplefor
fiftybucks.

SAL
AndI'llgethalfofthatmoney?

LUIGI
No,jackass.You'llgetnoneof
thatmoney.But,we'llattracta
lotofcustomerstothisstore.So
you'llpayusathreehundred
dollarfeeforbringinginsomany
customers.Okay?Igottago.I'm
gonnagoaroundtownandtell
everyonetocomehereandmeet
Evanderandbuyshoes.

[Later}

EvanderisseatedandsigningautographsforPEOPLE.

LuigientersandwalksuptoEvander.

LUIGI(CONT'D)
Alright.I'vebeenrustlingup
peopleforthelastthreehours.
Where'sthemoney?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Ain'tnomoney.

LUIGI
Youhaven'tsignedanyautographs?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
I'vesignedaboutathousand
autographs.

LUIGI
Isee.Anddidyousignthemwith
yourname,orJoePiscopo'sname?
 20.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
EvanderHolyfieldonlygotone
name.Andthatonenamethat
EvanderHolyfieldgotisaname
that'sthenameEvanderHolyfield.

LUIGI
Okay.Well,letmeaskyouthis,
EvanderHolyfield.IfEvander
HolyfieldsignedthenameEvander
Holyfieldathousandtimes,then
whydoesn'tEvanderHolyfieldhave
agiantpileofcashinEvander
Holyfield'spocket?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Listen,Luigi.EvanderHolyfield
don'tchargepeoplemoneyforhis
autograph.Imean,thatwouldbe
lowclass.

LUIGI
Youknowwhatelseitwouldbe?
Profitable.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Mymamaalwayssaidthatmoneyis
money,butclassisclass,and
integrityisintegrity,andwhat
separatethemenfromtheboysis
integrityfirst,classsecond,and
notmoneyatall.

LUIGI
(annoyed)
Thatmotherofyourswasreally
something.Well.Let'sjustget
ourfee,andcallitaday.

LuigiwalksuptoSal.

LUIGI(CONT'D)
Evandermadehisappearance.You
oweusathreehundreddollarfee.

SAL
Yeah.Butamonthago,mybrother
Franklentyouthreehundred
twentydollars.

LUIGI
What'syourpoint?

FRANK(muscular)isstandingafewyardsaway.
 21.

SAL
(toFrank)
What'smypoint,Frank?

FrankwalksuptoLuigi.

FRANK
Youpaymewhatyouoweme,orI
kickyourass.

LUIGI
(toSal)
YouthinkI'mscaredofFrank?I
gotEvanderhere.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Well.Imean,mymamasaythatyou
gottapayyourdebts.

INT.LUIGI'SDAIHATSU-DAY

LUIGI
Okay.So,ournetcashflowon
thatdealwasnegativetwenty
bucks.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Andyourfeeistenpercent.So
thatmeansyouowemetwodollars.

LUIGI
I'llpayyouindonuts.Now,um,I
justthoughtofanothergood
moneymakingplan.Basicallywhat
we'regonnadois,we'regonnago
intoaSevenEleven,andtakeall
oftheirmoney.Doyouwanttobe
therobber,orthegetawaydriver?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Luigi.Youknowperfectlywell
thatmymammadidn'ttellmeto
robnoSevenEleven.

LUIGI
Great.Thatmeansyou'llbethe
getawaydriver,andI'lldoall
therobbing.Igotaskimaskin
myglovecompartment.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Luigi.Inlife,youonlyneedto
throwonepunchatatime.Yousee
whatI'msaying?
 22.

LUIGI
Absolutelynot.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Well.Letitsettlein.Now,how
aboutwelistentosomeradiofor
awhile?
(turnsontheradioand
playswiththedial)
Uh.HowIgettoFM?

LUIGI
ThereisnoFM.Thisisa1983
Daihatsu.

MANONRADIO
Andinothernews,VicePresident
Pencequithisjobtoday,inorder
tostartupamissioninIndia.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Youhearthat?Whatagreatidea.
ThatMikePenceisreallyan
honorableman.

LUIGI
Hesoundslikeadumbasstome.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Iwonderwhogonnabethenext
VicePresident?OrVP,forshort.
TheycalltheVicePresidentthe
VP.AndtheycallurinePP.You
gotaVP.AndyougotPP.

LUIGI
Dude.Stoptalkingaboutpolitical
stuff....Waitasecond.Ihave
anidea.WhichwayisWashington?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Youtalkingaboutthecity,the
state,ortheapple?

INT.LUIGI'SDONUTSHOP-DAY

Alisworkingtheregister.ACUSTOMERwalksuptohim.

CUSTOMER
Uh.Letmegetaglazeddonut.

AL
Thisain'tLuigi'sDonutsnomore.
 23.

CUSTOMER
Youdon'tselldonuts?

AL
Weselldonuts.Butyougotta
placeabetfirst.

CUSTOMER
Um.I'llbetfiftyonjelly.

AL
No,Youdon'tbetondonuts.You
betonsports,andyoubuydonuts.

CUSTOMER
OK.I'lltakeoneglazeddonut,
andI'llputfiftyontheWarriors
againstthePistons.

EXT.WHITEHOUSE-DAY

LuigiandEvanderwalkuptoaWHITEHOUSESECURITYGUARD
(male,40).

WHITEHOUSESECURITYGUARD
CanIhelpyou?

LUIGI
LuigiVincenzoandEvander
HolyfieldtoseethePresident.

WHITEHOUSESECURITYGUARD
Andwhatisthisconcerning?

LUIGI
Dude--IgotEvanderHolyfieldwith
me.Thefivetimeheavyweight
champion.Thisdoesn'tneedto
concernanything.IfEvander
Holyfieldwantstoseethe
President,thenyouopenthedamn
doorandtakehimtothe
President.

INT.OVALOFFICE-DAY

LuigiandEvanderareseatedacrossfromPRESIDENTTRUMP.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
So.EvanderHolyfield.WhatcanI
doforyou?
 24.

LUIGI
It'snotwhatyoucandofor
EvanderHolyfield.It'swhat
EvanderHolyfieldcandoforyou.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Whatcanyoudoforme,Evander
Holyfield?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Goodquestion.Luigi.WhatcanI
doforhim?

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Waitasecond.Aren'tyoutheguy
whocalledmeanassholeon
Facebook?

LUIGI
No.Idon'tuseFacebook.Icalled
youanassholeonMySpace.But
that'sbesidethepoint.Let's
talkaboutwhotomakeyournew
VicePresident.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
IwasthinkingofJohnBoehner.

LUIGI
JohnBoehner?!Areyououtofyour
mind!?JohnBoehner.Thatguyis,
um...anti-Constitutional.And,
um,whywouldyoumakeJohn
BoehneryournewVP,whenyoucan
makefivetimeheavyweight
championEvanderHolyfieldyour
newVP?

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Wait.That'sthepoint?

LUIGI
Damnrightthat'sthepoint.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Waitasecond.Holdthephone
here.Listen.Evander--Ihavethe
utmostrespectforyou.Thethings
you'veaccomplished--theyare
tremendous.You'rearealwinner.
Plus,Imadeabundlebettingon
youwhenyoufoughtTyson.But,I
mean,whatthehelldoyouknow
aboutpolitics?
 25.

LUIGI
Here'sabetterquestion,Mr.
President.Whatthehelldoyou
knowaboutpolitics?

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Well.Iguessthat'sagoodpoint.

LUIGI
EvanderHolyfieldistheideal
persontobeyourVP.He'sa
winner.He'saccomplished
tremendousthings.Also,he'sbeen
educatedbynoneotherthan
EvanderHolyfield'smama.You
can'tsaythataboutJohnBoehner,
oranygaylordpolitician.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Well.Youknowwhat?Thatactually
makealotofsense.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Itdo?

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Yeah.ButbeforeImakeyoumyVP,
I'mgonnahavetorunacheckto
makesureyou'requalified.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Noproblem.
(takesoutajumprope)
Igotthejumproperighthere.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
No.Ididn'tmeanjumproping.I
meantsitups.I'mgonnaneedyou
todoathousandofthose.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Noproblem.

[Later]

Evanderisdoingsitups.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD(CONT'D)
998,999,1000.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Alright.Yougotthejob.

Evandergetsup.
 26.

LUIGI
Congratulations,Evander.So,I
gettenpercentofyourpayas
VicePresident.Andyoumake,
probablyaboutfiftymilayear.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Actually,thesalaryfortheVice
Presidentisahundredseventy
thousand.

LUIGI
Whatkindofbullshitisthat?
EvanderistheVicePresidentof
America--notsomeludicrous
countrylikeEcuador,oroneof
thosefruityScandinavianplaces
likeBelgiumorDutchlandistan.A
hundredseventythousandis
chickenfeed.Evandercouldmake
morethanthatbyfightingMartha
Stewart.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Well.Imean,Idon'thitladies.
Mymamatoldmenotto.

LUIGI
Evander--I'veheardenoughfrom
yourmamaforoneday.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Itsoundslikeyoutalkingtrash
aboutEvander'smama.

LUIGI
Imostcertainlyamnot.Now,um,
let'ssee.Ahundredseventy
thousand.Igettenpercent.
That's,um--whatisthat?

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Beatsme.

LUIGI
It'sagoodthingIgotthis
calculatoronmyphone.
(typesonhisphone)
Ahundredseventythousandtimes
tenpercent.That'sonepoint
sevenmillion.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Ithinkyougottaflipthe
decimalationaries.
 27.

LUIGI
Well.Um.Yeah.
(typessomemore)
So,seventeenthousand.I'lltake
thatincash.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Well.Imean.Idon'tthinkI'm
gonnagetallmysalaryatonce.I
gottawaitfortheinstallments
andwhatnot.Plus,I'mgonna
donatethemoneytocharity.

LUIGI
Evander.Ifyoudonateonecentto
charity,sohelpme,I'mgonnaget
intoaringwithyouandhityou
withadozenuppercuts.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Well.Imean.Listen,Luigi.You
gotmeaprettygoodjob.So,you
knowwhat?I'lldonatemyninety
percenttocharity,andI'llhave
themsendyouyourtenpercent
fromeverypaycheckIget.

LUIGI
Great.But,Imean,Iactually
needfifteenhundreddollarsright
now.

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
Mr.President--giveLuigia
fifteenhundreddollaradvance.

PRESIDENTTRUMP
Well,Evander.Thethingis,I
don'thandlethatstuff.The
government--theypaytheir
employeeswhentheypaythem.So,
Imean,Ican't...

EVANDERHOLYFIELD
GiveLuigithefifteenhundred
dollarsbeforeIbustyouinthe
head!

INT.LUIGI'SDONUTSHOP-DAY

Alisstandingbehindthecounter.LuigiispayingAlhis
money.
 28.

LUIGI
Thirteenhundred,fourteen
hundred,fifteenhundred.There
yougo,Al.Yougotyourprecious
money.Nowhowaboutyoumakelike
atree,andgosomewherethat
ain'there?MayIsuggest
Antarctica?

AL
I'mactuallystartingtoenjoythe
donutbusiness.Howaboutyouand
mebecomepartners?

LUIGI
Whatdoesthislook
like--Goodfellas?I'mnotlooking
togetinvolvedwiththecriminal
element.Irunarespectable
businesshere.

AWOMANenters.

WOMAN
(toAl,who'sstill
behindthecounter)
Hi.Doyouhavescones?

LUIGI
Lady--Idon'tbelieveinviolence
againstwomenatall.Butletme
justsaythis.Ifyoudon'tget
outofthisdonutshopinthenext
fiveseconds,I'mprobablygonna
grabtwobearclaws,actlike
they'reboxinggloves,anduse
themtokickyourscone-loving
ass!