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Th e D am ag e of Se xu a l P rom iscu ity by M arkrG u n g o

The Potential Damage

Some years ago, while doing some video taping of cranes in the wild from a helicopter, I
learned of how these birds “imprint” when they are first born. In other words, whatever
creature they first interact with after birth, they assume it is their mother, even if it is a
human. I immediately thought of what first-time sex does to a man. This overwhelming new
experience IMPRINTS on him and he connects the context with the experience. Those who
have their first sexual experience outside of marriage imprint on the lust of illicit sex – those
who have their first sexual experience in the context of marriage imprint on the girl.

Consider scenario A:

Boy gets girl to let him fondle her in the back seat of a car. Soon he is undressing her. His
heart is pounding as it becomes clear that she will allow him to have sex with her. The
windows are steamed, he is now in a major hurry (lest she changes her mind or someone
catches them). He experiences an adrenalin rush not unlike a thief experiences when he first
steals or a thrill seeker gets when jumping from an airplane. He then enters her body and
experiences his first sexual experience with a woman.

This incredible experience leaves a major “imprint” on him. Now (possibly for the rest of his
life) he is likely to view sex in the context of “lust” and “naughtiness”. This is the man who
will constantly be pushing his wife to try some outrageous new behavior, take sexual risks or
constantly role-play – all in an attempt of re-living that experience that has had such a
profound impact on his psyche. This is the guy who wants to “do it” in the elevator or in the
backyard or in some semi-public place. This is the guy who needs his wife to pretend she is
a cheerleader or a naughty nurse before he can get excited as he tries to re-create his sexual
imprinting. He is not really interested in the girl; he is interested in the sex.

Now consider scenario B:

A man falls in love with a woman and asks her to marry him. His friends approve, his family
approves, his co-workers approve. They all join in a concerted effort to make the event a
success – planning, showers, and parties. They all come together in one gigantic effort to
celebrate their approval of what he has chosen. They now gather in the presence of God,
under the approval of his minister. They commit themselves before God and are then off for
what will arguably be the biggest party of his life.

Then, with the joyous approval of every person important in his life, he takes his bride to
their honeymoon suite and for the first time in his life – without the rush or fear of a back-
seat encounter – he experiences the most wonderful sensation of his life as he enters his
bride’s body and reaches his sexual peak.

He now ties EVERYTHING I just mentioned to that one girl – all the approval of his family,
friends and coworkers, the church, the celebration, and most importantly, the incredible
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sensation he has just felt. All these elements join together and he IMPRINTS on the girl, for
it is because of her and only her that he has just experienced the most wonderful day of his
life.

Many would argue that this wedding day scenario would have the same effect with a guy who
had already been having sex, but they would be wrong. NOTHING impacts a man like his
first sexual experience.

If a man has his first sex outside of marriage, what he imprints on is the SEX – indeed, it
becomes as if any woman willing to have sex with him would suffice. Many of these men
later turn to illicit affairs or porn, fantasies and masturbation in a pathetic attempt to re-visit
the experience to which they have forever imprinted upon. Women who marry such men can
sense this and try desperately to get their man to focus solely on them. Sadly, it is a battle
that most will lose. On the other hand, when a man has his first sexual experience in the
context of marriage, he imprints on the GIRL, for she is the sole reason for his incredible
experiences. Indeed, these men tend to marry once for life.

When I was growing up, boys were told to marry a virgin because the other girls were
"damaged goods”. It very well may turn out, however, that it is the girls who should be
careful to marry a virgin because it is sexually experienced men who can become the most
"damaged".

What about the girl…

The answer, of course, is that a woman also receives a great deal of damage from being
sexually promiscuous, and her damage is both psychological and physiological. First the
psychological damage:

When a woman experiences sex without commitment, she soon learns (falsely) that sex
means little to nothing. Why? Because nothing happens as a result: no meaningful
relationship ensues – he may never even call her or talk to her again. She has inaccurately
learned that sex and commitment are two completely separate issues, which they are not.
That is why so many married woman view sex as an unimportant side issue in marriage,
when it is, in fact, a key and central issue to a successful marriage. God’s original plan was
to use sex as the path to commitment. But because of promiscuity, she no longer views sex
as a path to her husband’s commitment. On the contrary, she begins to demand that
commitment BEFORE sex is granted, something he is not wired to do. The result is a
relationship that struggles to succeed.

As for the physiological damage, science shows us that when a woman has sex with a man, a
chemical called oxytocin is released into her system. Oxytocin is a neuro-peptide most
commonly associated with pregnancy and breast-feeding. It seems to act as a human
superglue and helps a woman bond with her infant. This chemical also helps a woman bond
with her lover during sex. New scientific studies, however, suggest that if a woman has
multiple sexual partners, this will lower her levels of oxytocin which in turn can inhibit her
ability to bond to her husband. According to an article by Drs. John Diggs and Eric Keroack,
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"People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will
diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual." [You can
read the entire article at http://www.abstinence.net/library/index.php?entryid=344 ]

It is like taking a piece of strong packing tape and applying it to a box. Leave it alone, and it
will hold that box together for decades and decades. Take it off and re-apply it and, well… it
just doesn’t hold as well anymore. Keep taking it off and applying it a taking it off and
applying it and… I think you get the idea. This is what can happen to a woman who has
multiple sex partners.

The Boys are the Biggest Losers

Even though a woman also can suffer negative consequences from promiscuity, I believe that
men can have the most to lose. Why? Because a sexually promiscuous woman, despite
lowered levels of oxytocin and a less than positive attitude toward sex in general, still is
internally wired to WANT to connect with her husband. Indeed, that desire is so strong, it
causes her to fight through many of the negative side affects of her previous sexual
experiences. A man, however, has no such natural “wiring”. If he fails to properly “imprint”
and bond to the wife of his youth, he may spend the rest of his life in a disconnected state
from her – indeed, from any woman. What he may do is attempt to re-connect with what he
had imprinted on so many years earlier and foolishly turn to porn, affairs, lust, etc... All
which can have severe negative consequences to his marriage.

Overcoming Sexual Damage

The degree of sexual damage people receive largely depends on the degree to which people
become sexually involved before marriage, particularly if there are numerous sexual
partners. It also can vary from person to person. For some who have had just a few
consensual experiences, they may seem to carry little residual effects; while for others, even
just one consensual experience can cause them to struggle later in their marriage. You can
imagine the result if a person’s sexual experiences were not consensual as in rape or incest -
it is likely that much more damage will have occurred.

The question now is: can a person who has been damaged have a meaningful sex life?
Thankfully, the answer is yes, any person can have a wonderful sex life, but it will more likely
come easier to those who waited until marriage. Those who did not may find they will have
to work at it a lot harder.

Here’s an analogy I like to use: there are people who can seemingly eat anything they want
and never gain any weight. Then there are those who allow themselves the slightest
indulgence and they will gain a couple of pounds! What is the difference? One has a very
different metabolism from the other.

So it is true with those who did not wait till marriage for sex – their “sexual metabolism” may
be very different from those who did wait. Evidence shows that couples who wait until
marriage report more satisfying sex lives than those who do not wait. And since sex is so
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important to the bonding of the couple, this is why couples who marry as virgins have a
much lower divorce rate than those who did not wait. A couple whose only sexual experience
has been with each other is much more likely to experience a natural “bonding” whereas
those who have been promiscuous may find they will need to be much more intentional and
deliberate in their approach to sex in order to bond.