HD 341

Self Esteem in Children of

Same-Sex Parents

Moises Ruiz

Pacific Oaks College

HD-341 Communication for Empowerment

C. Waters

December 5, 2016
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Introduction

I define self esteem as how one feels about themselves, an internal measurement of con-

fidence and abilities, but actually the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines self esteem as a con-

fidence and satisfaction in oneself. Regardless of the definition a healthy self esteem is desired

and appreciated for our children to succeed in life. Living in the United States is ideal, but not

perfect, when it comes raising our young but I comes with some adversities, if you are a non-

white without privilege, growing up in the United States can be problematic at best. Being a

child of same-sex parents can attracted much unwanted, biased and prejudice attention on top of

other ethnic and culturally based prejudices. In this paper I will address the issue of self esteem

in children who have same sex parents and how it outside factors affect the childs growth and

the difference between them and their heterosexual parents raised counterparts.

The reason behind this research paper is as a gay man, my fianc and I will one day

(hopefully soon) will want to have a child of our own; either by adoptions or biological means

and we may face any or all the issues that come with: parenting, communication, social and cul-

tural factors. In researching this subject matter I found many journals and studies about homo-

sexual parents and the children they raised, but there was many factor that play into what defines

a homosexual household? Are both parents homosexual, single parent, or individuals who were

heterosexual and changed to homosexual after an life event. Other factor that define the house-

hold environment a child is raised in: child from adoption, child from a pervious heterosexual

couple, or child born from in vitro (or other artificial insemination) to name a few. For the sake

of this paper I will focus on current same-sex couples and single parents who are raising their

children (whether biological or not) in one or two separate household environment.

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Research

Many of the earliest opposition to same-sex parenting was that gay and lesbian parents

could unduly influence their childrens development of gender concepts, and possibly causing

the child/children to be unsure of their gender identity, traditional roles, and activities that are

gender specific . The fear was the possible damage the child/children would endure as a lifelong

disadvantage due to gender confusion and societal disruptions of the status quo Crowl et al.

(2008).

For this paper I decided, along with academic research, I would interview two families;

Family one are a lesbian couple and their adopted twins, age 3. Family two is a single lesbian

parent (separated from her partner) with 2 children ages 15 and 21, one of which is special needs.

Note: For privacy issues the names of the interviewed have been changed for this paper.

Family one are of Latino (Mexican) descent, one parent (Erianna) a substitute teacher that

speaks fluent Spanish the other parent (Linda) is an educator for a nonprofit, barely understand

Spanish; they consider themselves non-practicing Catholics and the twins (Jason and Jenny)

were cared for since birth from foster care who were recently permanently adopted. Jason and

Jenny are now attending pre-school at a local Elementary School and were in day care the previ-

ous year, they participate in sports little leagues on the weekends and the occasional Disneyland

trips. Something I noticed when I interviewed them was that the twins refer to Erianna as mama,

and Linda as mom. Erianna said it was porbably due to the fact that Erianna speaks and teaches

the twins Spanish at home.

Family two is of Anglo-European (German) decent, parent (Karlina) court appointed

therapist lives with her two boys (Emil and Ken). Emil is a typical High School student, and his
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older brother Ken who is (21 years) diagnosed with Aspergers, but is high functioning enough to

works part-time at a restaurant and attends a local junior college. Ken also shares his time be-

tween two households but spends 90% of the time with Karlina and sees his other mom on a

seasonal basis.

Interview & Analysis Family I

One of the first questions I asked was how have their children fared against any biased or

discrimination. Family one disclosed that there was very little problems they encountered, but

they did have some extended family member who were ok with their sexuality but problematic

with them as a couple trying to adopt or have children. Erianna said that she attributed most of

the underlying issues with cultural and religious biased her family had, when asked how they

dealt with the situation Erianna said We already started the foster process, we are not going to

turn our backs on innocent displaced children and give them a home they deserve. Linda said

her family was cool about it because they have gay and lesbian family members who have

children and it was not an problem. Erianna convey that they had to talk with her mom to show

her that it was the right thing for them as a couple and then next serious step for them, Erianna

added it is something we need and want to do as a couple Why should we be denied that kind

of love? That conversation was a turning point to get Eriannas mom to accept their next step,

but Erianna added it was going to happen no matter what.

What Erianna did with her family was open her family closed communication system,

using the Satirs Change Model, Erianna was able to change her familys biased views (late sta-

tus quo) about lesbians adopting (resistance) to having a family disagreement (chaos) that turned

to a heart to heart discussion (integration), and finally acceptance of their adoption (new status
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quo). Erianna stated that her mom like to argue and debate the issues instead of listening to her

which McKay et al, (2009) refer to as a sparring listening block, where the sparrer tends not to

listen and and is quick to disagree. Eventually by the time the twins went from foster care to ful-

ly adoptions the family now has come to terms with the new additions to the family as a whole

and see the twins as part of their own. Erianna added I think it was better that we (the family)

had already begun to talk about the twin and by the time my mom came around, the adoption

was finalized. She continued to say the twin did not experience any negative feedback or biased

remarks from her family, because that would of been damaging to their cognitive growth, family

bonds and self-esteem. Children so young and going through basic Trust vs. Mistrust stage (Erik-

son, 1988) they did not need the added stress of distrusting adults especially within the larger

family unit.

Interview & Analysis Family II

I asked the same question to family two (Karlina and her two sons Emil and Ken); if she

had face any opposition to her having children with her then partner when they decided to adopt.

Karlina mention that since her mother lives and continues to live on the East coast it wasnt such

an issue when she told her mother. Her mother who fled Germany as a young girl in the begin-

nings of World War II, saw many oppressions and wrong doing in her country, Karlina conveyed

that she didnt even bat an eyes at the notion of adopting a child. There was no need to have a

conversation over the fact that as a lesbian I wanted to adopt a child Karlina stated. My mother

was more concerned if my partner was up to the task of raising a child, she continued it was a

huge commitment and not to be taken lightly. Once Karlina and her partner adopted Ken they

later figured out that he was having some difficulties with a social aspect of his personality, a
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disability when it came to Kens behavior with other children and people, and they began to take

him to see the doctor and specialist. When we had realized there was something different with

Ken, we began to search for answers and took him to be evaluated, thats when the stresses began

to show in my own relationship with my ex Karlina stated. She added that it was difficult to

deal with her sons diagnosis let alone the added stress on their relationship that they separated

soon after. I know Ken took it hard, Karlina said because he felt that we did not love him

anymore and he was starting to figure out that he wasnt normal.

It became tougher she said when his disability was finally diagnosed as Aspergers Syn-

drome, which has now been classified under the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Ken did not

understand that just because his parents separated physically that they didnt love him the same

on a an emotional level. Karlina said his self-esteem was very low during that transition time and

diagnosis. It was difficult to communicate with him let alone explain a separation, she added

he would yell and scream, asking where his moma was and it was even more difficult with the

day care environment. The consistency was not present as well, with rules being enforced in one

home and relaxed in the other household, children are confused by inconsistent

messages (McKay et al., 2009). Karlina also mention she did not want to trouble her son with

her and her ex problems, so there was a degree of non-disclosure. McKay et al. (2009) suggest

letting your child in on some of the things you feel makes you a real person and by not dis-

closing it to a appropriate degree it caused more self-esteem issues. Over the years Karlin place

Ken in various groups and program to allow him a outlet for his condition and learn to work at it

effectively he learned to rely on outlets to vent it quickly and effectively (Miller, 2012)
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Reflection & Conclusion

Self esteem can is a very fragile condition especially for young children growing into

their own persons, many factor can contribute to their level of confidence whether it is high or

low the youngest a susceptible to any outside influence looking to do harm or good. In the case

of the twins from family one having that discussion within the family removed one biased from

their lives that they may have to face in another form later on. In family two early tumultuous

separation of the lesbian parents, during the on set of a disability added extra stress to a commu-

nication deficient child. There were multiple listening blocks one from her former partner and the

second listening block was an unfortunate part of the childs disability. Providing Ken with spe-

cial outlets, therapy and support groups proved invaluable to his self esteem, and has made Ken

more self sufficient.

It was a pleasure to interview and go in depth with these two families, getting to know the

m on a more deeper level, it was difficult to maintain objectivity and not digress into other side

conversations. I thought I knew some of the struggles they may have faced, but it was very inter-

esting what barriers they had to endure and move past from. The key in one family was commu-

nication and I could see that it had worked in their favor for the betterment of all in the family

unit, Erianna was able to change her family prejudiced and preconceived ideas to a new open

status quo that benefits all member, including the twins.

Unfortunately the second family did not fare so well in the communication department

where the lack of messages between the adult parents added to an already difficult diagnosis with

their sons disability. In the end Karlina was able to help her sons self esteem and at 21 he is a

productive member of society and a huge supporter of his mom and the gay right community.
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References

Crowl, Alicia, Soyeon Ahn & Baker, Jean (2008). A Meta-Analysis of Developmental Out
comes for Children of Same-Sex and Heterosexual Parents. Journal of GLBT Family
Studies 4(3):385-407.

Erickson, Joan (1988) Wisdom and the Senses: The way of creativity. New York, NY:
W. W. Norton & Co., Inc.

McKay, M., Davis, M. & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communication skills book.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications Inc.

Merriam-Websters collegiate dictionary (11th ed.). (2014). Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster

Incorporate.

Miller, Scott E. (2012). The Users Guide to Being Human: The art and science of self. New
York:NY: SelectBooks, Inc.

Satir, Virginia (2016). Open v/s Closed Systems: Virginia Satirs family system change model.
[Power Point Slides] Retrieve from https://stevenmsmith.com/ar-satir-change-model/