The Danger and Shame of Forgiveness February 27, 2017 Fr.

Stephen Freeman
Forgiveness is so terribly hard. On a psychological level, it feels dangerous. The shame engendered by
any insult or injury is our experience of vulnerability, and we instinctively react to protect ourselves.
That, we must understand, is not a sin, it is an instinct that is a gift from God.
The example of Christ, who did not turn His face from the spitting and the shame, is also the
example of just how difficult such an action can be. In the Garden of Gethsemane Christ agonizes in
the face of the coming trial. He sweated blood.
I think the recurring problem of forgiveness is our effort to find a way around the danger of
vulnerability. Is there a way to forgive and remain safe? In short, the answer is, No. Forgiveness is a
voluntary self-emptying that embraces the vulnerability entailed in that action. Enemies have a way of
crucifying you. The disciple is not above his master. If they crucified Him, there is no promise they will
not crucify you. Forgiveness is not a safe thing.
We want to be safe. When we see that another person is sorry for what they have done to us, we begin
to think that they will now become safe. We fear forgiving those who show no sorrow or who have not
clearly repented of their actions towards us. And we do well to fear it. That is a completely rational,
even hard-wired, instinctive response. But that tells us what forgiveness actually entails and what it
is that Christ asks of us.
And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you?
For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do
good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will
be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be
merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Luke 6:34-36
The forgiveness in the commandments of Christ does not hope to receive back. It is not made in
safety nor in the promise of a good outcome. We may expect nothing in return. Indeed, what can we
expect if we forgive the unthankful and the evil? We can expect no thanks, and likely something
unsavory in return.
Forgiveness in the Christian sense is properly an act of self-emptying. It is a voluntary act of
foolishness in which we act in a manner contrary to the shame that has been cast upon us. Understood
in this manner, forgiveness is of a piece with bearing the Cross itself. It is of paramount importance
that the one act of general forgiveness offered by Christ is found in words spoken from the Cross. They
could have been spoken from nowhere else.
There are a few things to note about the self-emptying of forgiveness. First and foremost, it can only be
a voluntary offering. To force such an action upon someone would be toxic and harmful. God is not
standing over us demanding our self-offering. Christ sweated blood in His own effort. No one could
have more respect for what is involved in such an offering than God Himself. And so, the
commandment of forgiveness should rightly be understood as an invitation to act in union with
Christ who freely offered Himself on the Cross, despising the shame (Heb. 12:2).
The teaching of the Orthodox spiritual fathers is that we should forgive everyone for everything. Only
in this can we be like our Father in heaven. But make no mistake: it is scary, hard, and without
promise of safety or reward.
He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who
loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.
(Joh 14:21)
This is His promise.
1. Dino says: Perhaps there are ways to forgive all for all in the face of the natural human perception of being
endangered by this, but they invariably necessitate that I accept that I am stripped naked of God, clad with the
shameful garments of futility-away-from-the-One that loves me first: so to the measure of the awareness of ones
own sinfulness against Gods forgiveness (Matthew 18:33), as well as of ones self-forgetfulness appropriate to
complete Christ-mindfulness forgiveness of all for all becomes innate.
2. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Dino, Indeed. However, its so easy to misunderstand ones own sinfulness our
adversary seeks to poison even that repentance. It is in this that I take the Elder Sophronys words to heart, teach
them to bear a little shame It necessarily starts small.
3. Michael Bauman says: Hmmm. Maybe it is a psychological trick of mine or I have not yet gone deeply enough, but I
have come to see my safety precisely in the vulnerability of forgiveness. A perspective I have developed in no small
part because of my reflections on the content of this blog over the years.
Plus, I have seen too many people including myself who try to protect themselves by refusing to forgive. The damage
in such a course is deep and abiding and horrible.
Forgiveness is an absolute refusal to be bound by sin, shame and fear a proclamation of the truth and freedom of
the Ressurection. The Cross is the door to all of that as Father Stephen notes when he says that Christs general
forgiveness could only be proclaimed from the Cross.
 Your enemy no longer has any power or control or influence over you once you forgive. He may kill you, but you are
free. Real freedom resultsand you heap coals of fire on the heads (of your enemies). Not the fire of revenge or
retribution but the fire of love. Not occasionally transformation in ones enemy results although that is not the reason
to forgive.
I am not saying it is easy or there is not an element of danger. There is. But the consequences of not forgiving is death
of ones heart, even physical death as well. There is no safety there.
I have also come to consider that my shame stems from my refusal to accept Christs mercy both for my sinfulness
and the motes that dwell in others hearts.
We fast to acknowledge that it is not by bread alone that we live. Do we not forgive in a like acknowledgement that
only through forgiveness is there greater life, the Life? It only takes the Cross to get there.
My priest noted yesterday that Blue Lake in New Zealand is considered the purest lake in the world because the
amount of water that comes into it every day is equal to the amount that flows out. Great clarity in the lake water
results. He was urging us to forgive so that we might be forgiven. Is that not our safety, no matter the difficulties that
seem to intervene?
We do pray for mercy, and that same prayer teaches us to render the deeds of mercy. As Shylock lost everything by
his refusal to have mercy, so we too loose all when we refuse. Is that safety?
May His mercy abound in each of us this Lent and may we have the grace to accept His mercy.
Glory be to God.
4. Byron says: Father, I recall previously on this blog, where you mentioned that in cases of abuse there may be a
necessary distance (physically) involved in our forgiveness. How does this balance with the idea presented here of a
loss of safety? I know there is a distinction that needs to be made but I cannot put my thumb on it.
5. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Byron, Good question. There is a strange phenomenon involved in shame. From a fairly
clinical work on shame: In the midst of shame, there is an ambivalent longing for reunion with whomever shamed us.
We feel divided and secretly yearn to feel one, whole. The experience of shame feels like a rupture either in self, in a
particular relationship, or both. Shame is an affective experience that violates both interpersonal trust and internal
security. Intense shame is a sickness within the self, a disease of the spirit.
That ambivalent longing for reunion can also be among the sickest things possiblefor example, the abused spouse
who refuses to leave. That shame binds us to our enemy. These are situations when we definitely need space. We
literally are not well enough to forgive not truly forgive in freedom. We cannot tell the difference between our own
voluntary action and a toxic longing for reunion in such circumstances.
This is why it must be a truly voluntary offering not simply a neurotic need to get you to love me just one more
time
6. Michael Bauman says: There is also an equally neurotic need to be right, to win and to not be a coward.
Forgiveness seems to contradict all of those needs. Though I must say that the desire to be right and not back down
seems to be another way of forcing the other to finally love you.
Could be wrong.
Space become more difficult when there is a shared child does it not?
7. Nicole from VA says: Father I really dont understand this article. At the end of the article doesnt Jesus promise to
manifest Himself to that person count as a great reward?
I was also under the impression that any type of self protection is not appropriate for a Christian.
Following my dads botched cataract surgery (almost two years ago) I spent at least six months telling myself, he is
going to kill me and I have to let him. But my priest has been talking about AA in his sermons, a quote from which is
how the alcoholic goes against nature in seeking his distruction and I wonder if I have been doing the same and trying
to call it holiness.
I have such dread of seeing him. I think he is deeply under the sway of the enemy of mankind (he recently discussed
with me how Hindus worship the sun which he seemed to be implying includes him. He is Hindu and listening to what
he calls wisdom I find torture).
I see his face change as though he goes into a trance.
My husband and I thought it was alzheimers but my sister who is a social worker has said it is not. After an additional
year of observing him I think it is a panic related trance.
I had been able to forgive him daily but once I told him the phrase, we have to forgive each other daily, and hearing
him parrot that back to me was a turning point downhill.
He needlessly makes things more difficult and can see no blessing.
I have interpreted Jesus sweating blood as his revulsion at sin itself, just as when I do something wrong and regret it
and feel horrible. Christ took our sin and so would have felt the revulsion of owning that sin
Please help me understand appropriate self preservation related to
The shame engendered by any insult or injury is our experience of vulnerability, and we instinctively react to protect
ourselves. That, we must understand, is not a sin, it is an instinct that is a gift from God.
8. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Nicole, Christ manifesting Himself to us, I suppose, can be described as a reward. My
intention was to say that we should not expect anything in return from those we forgive. It might come. It might not.
But it is not the reason for forgiveness.
Self-preservation is perfectly natural. Its something that makes us be careful when walking near a cliff. The same
instinct enters into our relationships when we feel emotionally vulnerable (whether we are going to be shamed by
someone, receive their anger, etc.). This is not sin.
Forgiveness is voluntary it is a commandment, indeed but still needs to come as a voluntary offering. There are
dangers (emotionally and otherwise) for which we may be unprepared. There are emotional bullies, for example, who
are simply so devastating in their behavior towards us that we find ourselves overwhelmed. We are not commanded to
endure just anything, regardless.
There are many martyrs who had the opportunity to flee their martyrdom but chose not to. They did not do wrong, but
they would not have done wrong had they chosen to use their opportunity to flee.
Bearing insults, for example, is a matter for mature thought. If we have the opportunity to avoid it, particularly if it is
becoming emotionally difficult and too much, then avoid it. Particularly when someones behavior is abusive
(emotional or otherwise), it is certainly appropriate for us to call them out on it to challenge them. In family
relationships, this can be very important.
Its also very difficult to judge these matters (family stuff) for oneself. Were often quite blind in our familial
relations. Talk to someone and share whats going on. Wanting to protect yourself from harm is not wrong, nor is it a
sin. I have walked out of relationships with people who were simply too abusive I have also endured abuse from
time to time.
If you endure, then do it as a prayer to Christ. If you step aside from the abuse, ask God to help the person causing
this, and to give you grace.
Here are 3 verses that suggest fleeing persecution: Mt 2:13; 10:23; 24:16. The principle applies to other situations of
danger. It is not wrong to avoid them.
9. mary benton says: Fr. Stephen,
Who were you quoting in your comment at 2:43 PM? Ambivalent longing for reunion is an interesting notion and
may be part of the picture for some people. However, I might add that there are many complicated factors that keep a
person in an abusive relationship. (I say this, not to disagree with your excellent point, but for the sake of anyone
reading who is in that experience. It doesnt always work to try to analyze ones own complex situation in light of
such a point, however well-made.)
I might add to the neurotic need list the need to be holy. With this one, we want so much to be holy (in the eyes of
self, others or God) that we try to leap right into forgiveness without working through our legitimate emotions.
For example, someone triggers my anger. Rather than acknowledging to myself that I am angry (perceived as bad), I
suppress (consciously) or repress (unconsciously) the emotion. I rush to assure myself that I forgive the offending
party, in order to maintain my holy self-image.
There is much danger in this practice and I know it from personal experience. It is not true forgiveness. (Nor is anger
necessarily bad.) The anger doesnt go away it is just banished from awareness. It eventually finds other ways out
ranging from panic attacks to passive-aggressive behavior.
In the process of rushing to be holy, we also miss out on the opportunity to grow in true sanctity which occurs
when we are humbled by our emotions and our helplessness in managing them. This may lead us to bring our unruly
feelings to God and so learn more about ourselves, discovering His strength at work in our weakness.
When we read of truly holy people who are not distraught when falsely accused or mistreated, we are reading of
people who have already struggled profoundly with the passions and have been given the gift of a deep humility. As
beautiful as this is, we must not pretend that we can skip all the struggles and be there ourselves, simply because we
might wish it so.
10. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Mary, The quote was from Gershen Kaufman (Psychology of Shame). I generally think
people should get out of an abusive situation if at all possible. Very few people can endure continued abuse without
suffering real harm to the soul. In martyrdom, you get killed. In abuse, you can get damaged, easily trapped in the
sickness of the abuser. Even when the abuse is over, we generally need lots of help. Abuse is something that continues
in your head (and soul) long after the abuse itself has stopped.
Kaufman, who is primarily working from Tomkins work in Affect Theory, is most just describing clinical work,
rather than pure theory. The ambivalent longing for reunion is a soft term for what can be a terrible reality. Every
situation obviously has many complications. I think he is describing something that is simply true about the nature of
shaming, however it is manifest.
Once we get out of an abusive situation, then the work begins. The constant return to the shaming event (and the many
ways it morphs in our lives sometimes we even change roles and become the shamer) is tied up in Kaufmans point.
It doesnt mean that reunion is good (it probably isnt). Its just part of the insanity.
I completely agree viz. the rush to holy. Little things first and slowly.
11. Victoria says: Abuse is something that continues in your head (and soul) long after the abuse itself has stopped. Fr
Stephen Is that considered remembrance of wrongs?
12. victoria says: sometimes we even change roles and become the shamer Fr Stephen, can you unpack that a little
more?
13. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Victoria, Its perhaps a form of such remembrance, but not necessarily sinful. Such
remembrance when mentioned in sin lists really mean harbor Inc grudges. Even that is sometimes too simple a way
to describe something more complex.
On the other matter, the psychology of shame understands that one of darker ways of coping with a shaming scene
is to relive it but changing the role such that the victim is now the perpetrator. Thus, those who are abused are more
likely to become abusers than those who not been abused. Its part of the darkness that infects our inner life.
14. Kasey says: re:the instinct to hide. I believe that the word for shame in Genesis can also mean shame. Adam and
Eves response was to hide and cover up. Shame here is definitely a result of sin. Note too when God calls them out
it is not to undress them and shame them. Sin hides while truth and light is about exposure so that others may see God
more clearly. In the end His grace brings the relief of decent clothing . A more honest covering is the one God gives
when we trust his heart is never to shame but to have us connected honestly, out in the open, vulnerable and in the
light. Refusing to forgive another keeps our own heartsite in dark corners hiding and afraid of exposure.
15. Victoria says: Ok thank you for clarifying, I thought you meant that the abused would shame the abuser and I did
not get that!
16. Z says: Would you say, Father, that when the measure of your forgiveness is higher than the measure of the corruption
you see in yourself (at that very moment) that would be dangerous? (Example # 1 You forgive the gossiper, because
you acknowledge to be gossiping yourself. #2 You forgive the gossiper, but yet you dont believe, or maybe you are
just blind to the fact that you are a gossiper yourself [I see here danger for judgement, pride, playing the victim,
perfidyetc] or #3 you forgive all the gossipers in the world because you are no better yourself I think this kind of
forgiveness doesnt come from you, it comes with prayer, its a gift, and when you get it, you know, and when you
lose it you know it, as well. The struggle however, the need for Gods intervention, the acknowledgment that you cant
do it alone is what makes us sane, otherwise, well be on the edge of the cliff. And, finally, #4 confront the gossiper,
have courage to stand against the bully, but pray for them). Fighting deceit is undoubtedly possible only with the
power of the cross.
Pray for us Fr. Stephen!
17. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Victoria, I was sitting at the DMV typing out my answer on my cell-phone which
certainly makes me tend towards brevity!
Shame is a deep spiritual wound in the soul. It very easily morphs in many ways as we seek to find relief from its pain.
It is, I think, a primary source for much that we describe as sin. Thus, it is not at all remarkable that it is the first
such thing mentioned in Scripture. It is primordial.
There are many strategies of reacting to shame: Rage, contempt, power, perfection, blame transfer, withdrawal,
humor, denial and more. It is quite complex beyond our grasp, I think, most of the time. So, our spiritual path
involves bearing a little shame. I trust that God will, in time, lead us through the healing our lives require as we
expose ourselves to the Light. Walk in Light, as He is in the Light
18. mary benton says: There are many strategies of reacting to shame: Rage, contempt, power, perfection, blame
transfer, withdrawal, humor, denial and more. It is quite complex beyond our grasp, I think, most of the time.
This is very well said, Fr. Stephen. And understanding the complexity of reactions can help us a great deal in
understanding others as well as ourselves.
There are some events that almost universally trigger shame. However, the experience of shame may be triggered very
differently in different people and often we do not recognize it.
I remember when I was in college many years ago, I attempted to correct an error made by my professor. Her reaction,
angry sarcasm, took me completely by surprise. I thought we were just looking for the answer to a question. I did not
understand until I was much older that I had inadvertently shamed her in front of others.
These sorts of reactions are common in marriages and families. One person seems to be reacting totally irrationally
but further reflection (or outside input) may reveal that that person was reacting to a sense of shame. And the person
triggering the shame may not have a clue that they have done so. Even the person experiencing the shame may not
recognize that this is the issue.
A simple question like, Have you found a job yet? may be experienced as Youre inadequate and a whole
sequence of shaming and counter-shaming may unfold.
It is especially hard to forgive when we dont understand what we are feeling and why. Thank you for shedding light
on this.
19. Michael Bauman says: Interesting that you mentioned humor. A good portion of current professional humor is
expressly aimed at creating a shame reaction that results in laughter. Often it is a transference.
It is quite consciously done though most would not recognized it as shame since we are not supposed to be ashamed of

anything these days. It is not good laughter. Not the kind that helas. It is sad.
20. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Michael, Andy Kaufmans experimental humor consisted in making an utter fool of
himself in front of audiences who were deeply affected with shame and uncomfortable. An interesting experiment.
21. Michael Bauman says: There are still good comedians who expose the absurdity of modern life in a manner that
gives perspective Gabriel Iglesias comes to mind but he also leverages the shame of being obese. (Interesting
name, no?)
There are many more who think that telling filthy stories in filthy language is actually comedy.
Getting someone to laugh is often just a matter of timing and inflection.
In my younger years I certainly used humor as a weapon out of shame. By the grace of God and His mercy, I put it
aside. Still, until now, I never consciously related it to shame.
22. Paula says: These threads are awesome. So much to think about. I am still on the bearing a little shame part, as
Michael stated above, we are not consciously aware of it. Here is a section out of Prologue Daily lives of the Saints:
CONTEMPLATION
To contemplate the Lord Jesus at the Mystical Supper:
1. How He washes the feet of His disciples. By this act He especially teaches humility and love for one another;
2. How Peter, one of the most faithful, was ashamed and refused to allow our Lord to wash his feet;
3. How Judas, unbeliever and traitor, was unashamed and did not refuse our Lord to wash his feet;
4. How even today, the faithful receive countless benefits from God with embarrassment and shame, and the
unfaithful also receive the same but without embarrassment and without shame, and yet with grumbling against God.
So yes, as reflected in #4, this bearing a little shame that Fr. Stephen speaks about is a hard thing but needful for our
salvation. Very needful.
Blessed Lent to all.
23. Helen says: Mary, For example, someone triggers my anger Rather than I rush to assure myself that I forgive
the offending party, in order to maintain my holy self-image. Thank you for articulating this.
This is why forgiveness always felt coerced and the result was a feeling of being an impostor. There are so many
psychologically unhealthy behaviors that were passed on as holy. No wonder the struggle to really trust in the love
of God.
24. Dee of St Herman's says: Thank you Fr Stephen for this article. It speaks to my own cross and the difficulty I have in
my willingness to bear a little shame. Perhaps with love and Gods grace I will overcome my reticence.
25. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Dee, a little. It starts with only a little, in confession, for the purpose of healing. It is
simply our vulnerability in the presence of God.
26. Michael Bauman says: During confession my priest puts his stole around the head shoulders of the penitent and rests
his has there. It makes me feel safe. From that I have begun to see that my vulnerability to God is the only safety there
is. A growing vulnerability to God seems to be the way to life.
27. sbdn andrew says: Michael Bauman, And also that loving pat and gentle sqeeze of ones shoulder when struggling to
get it out is the leak that releases the terrible burden of holding the shame in.
And to everyone in general,
I recently attended a job related conference where the speaker wrestled to describe the act of repentance and
confessing ones sins one to another without having any mechanism in place to practice this. Every possible word
was used to describe this process exceptforgiveness. I had an incredible urge to jump up and shout Forgiveness!
Just say it. Why is it so hard to even acknowledge that such a word exists?
I finally had to leave the conference room as it washed over into a sentimental prayer while music played softly in the
background. And then it hit me how the speaker and all who listened were making multiple attempts to possibly
cover-up and commit to amnesia this public nakedness as I ran.to hide from it.
Try discussing or even admitting to cowardice or fear as a tune in shame. Or even the stuff that comes out in an
uncontrolled rage from the experience of trauma (any kind of war?) that is more formally called a traumatic stress
disorder. There is a heavy sense of being a coward in all this reaction. The most decorated hero is often being
saved in their drowning from shame; where the recognition seems so false and somehow wrong. I jump to
forgiveness being that which apprehends the shame of being a victim of the impossible.
I think it is Fr. Seraphim Aldea that said indirectly: we are not our (shame), but we become our battle with (shame). I
am really trying to avoid using that embarassing three letter word here(s*n).
(Also in line with Elder Saphrony perhaps?)
28. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Sbdn Andrew, Well said. The more we understand about shame in ourselves, in the
world, in our culture and all of it in the light of God the more the world will reveal itself to us. It is, I think, the
primary content of the darkness that hides us.
29. Nicole from VA says: Thank you Fr. Stephen and Mary Benton. I have been reflecting on your insights all week.
A few months ago Fr. Stephen had commented following a different post that all our encounters with Christ can purify
us.
I found much hope in that comment, it encouraged me to look at icons rather than look down because I feel unworthy.
It encouraged me to really believe and trust that our Heavenly King can abide in us and be the one to cleanse us
from every stain and save our souls as we pray in the morning prayer. The comments here, from Mary, about the
opportunity to grow in sanctity when we turn to Christ encourages me as well.
 It has been a mini-modernist project I have been on: trying to figure our what to do to help my dad and then seeing my
efforts produce awful results. I recently learned that St. Nikita of the Kiev Caves, Bishop of Novgorod was tempted by
a demon that appeared as an angel and told him that praying didnt matter, just study, do other things. He went down
the wrong path in following that advice in his early years but through Gods mercy was redeemed. So often my
prayers have been like words I just throw out and leap into the day rushing about trying to do, to fix things. I really
think it is a trap of good ideas
The cumulative failures, seeing how my dad makes the simplest thing awkward and difficult in unexpected ways, my
emotions and the puppetry in my mind as the enemy suggests disdain, coupled with a rush to forgive before
Communion, has lead me to realize this is beyond my skill to heal That quote from Aragorn has been my recent
summary, but combined with more genuine hope in the Holy Spirit and in Christ to genuinely heal, to remove the
rocks from my heart, and to allow me to experience my own healing (another theme I learned from a cooment)
I have felt some significant healing in these past few days and weeks.
30. Emmie says: Father, The topic of forgiveness has been an ongoing one in my spiritual life.
I have a question that perhaps you can answer.
Is it possible to forgive someone yet still acknowledge that there was wrong done? I ask because in cases of severe
abuse or neglect I wonder about the health of not acknowledging that there was wrong done. Not to hold it against the
person but to say yes, this hurt horribly.
I read a book a few years ago that made me very uncomfortable in recommending that victims must always have face
to face dialogues with their abusers.
Do you think this is true?
31. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Emmie, There are many cases in which face to face meetings would only subject a victim
to more abuse particularly emotional abuse. It is important in cases of abuse, I think, that it be acknowledged and
named. Secrecy, which is a very common part of shame, can be deadly in cases of abuse.
32. Nicole from VA says: Hi Father, I have two very gentle questions. I noticed that the icon of St. Sabbatius of Tyver on
oca.org is a bit similar to the picture you selected for this post. But when I look at the picture for this post I wonder
how many others might think it suggests a two-storey universe: a man crushed by shame and desperately pleading to a
distant God.
Perhaps if you have a chance you can explain the heart of this picture more.
Also, the quote from the epistle that is translated as Christ going to the cross, despising the shame was part of the
readings this week. Is despising more like despite in this quote?
I remember an episode of the X-Files years ago that had a character that was implied to be part of Native American
culture that would literally consume the sickness of others in some way, taking it from them and enduring it himself.
He became physically unpleasant in many ways as a result but was truly good when initially viewers would not have
known. It seems like a parallel to the sense that we can bear a little shame and eventually plead with God on behalf of
others, taking on their shame in our pleading, having the mind of Christ instead of the mind of the Prodigal Sons
brother. I hope that correctly interprets part of what is going on in the painting.
33. Victoria says: Emmie I agree with Fr Stephen that is often unwise for victims to have face to face interactions with
their abuser/ shamer about the abuse. Your uncomfortableness with the suggestion is sound.
Abusers carry out their abuse in the shadows and my experience is that unless they are undergoing therapy themselves
(in other words they are in a state of repentance) they will not acknowledge the truth of the situation. What the
victim would want is validation / healing and they are not going to get it because abusers are unable to accept
responsibility.
The irony is that abusers shame because they themselves are ashamed. This is a hard fought realization that can allow
one to have mercy, through Christ, toward their abuser. That does not necessarily entail having a relationship with
them.
34. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Nicole,
This picture is a modern painting of St. Basil the Holy Fool. It is not shame (except as a holy fool) that we see on his
face. It is ecstasy.
Despising the shame, means refusing to let it make a difference.
35. Debbie Adams says: Perhaps the thing that rankles me the most is how abusers can turn themselves into a victim.
Forgiving is easy. Forgetting is an entirely different thing. Oft I believe I have forgotten only to have past and current
abuse rear its ugly head once again. The PTSD from past abuse has been so serious at times-no one to talk to as so few
people understand PTSD. All I can do is trust God to get me through these episodes.
If the past is not truly forgotten is the forgiveness negated?? I have wondered about this for many years.
36. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Debbie,
I think we cannot actually choose to forget the past. Its like saying that having had a leg cut off, I forget that I once
had a leg. Abuse is a wound, and we at least remember the scar. Forgiving in such circumstances mostly has to do
with what we do with the memory. I can nurture it so that it grows and darkens everything. Or, I can do the difficult
work of healing (by Gods grace). That part can be slow indeed.