A Second Chance

I was born and grew up in a humid, hot place where you never saw snow. It was a very

dry land, the kind of desert where we would be lucky if it rained twice a month. The scent was

very peculiar. Imagine there were no cement roads. Houses and roads were made of mud and

dirt. It smelled like bananas and lots of wild animals. The place is called Ethiopia, it is located in

the horn of Africa.

I was an Ethiopian black girl with short curly hair, dark skin color, white teeth, and a scar

on the right side of my eye. My birth dad looked like me, but darker. He was always sweaty, and

he looked beaten by the sun. He was tired because of a tough life. He taught me the most

important thing in my life was to work as hard as you could for the people you love. My dad

worked like a dog to get my mother healthy. Also my dad was a robot with no emotions. My dad

was a very strong man. He influenced my life by teaching me to be strong when my mom died.

It was very hard when my birth mom died in front of me and I was only six years old. I really

didn't know how to react to it. Then my dad left me. I stayed in an orphanage for a year and half

which was very hard because I had no family to care for me while I was in the orphanage. I felt

completely abandoned. The orphanage had two floors. There were lots of babies and the food

was like mush most of the time. Most of my childhood in Ethiopia was very difficult, but I

loved being with my family. We all helped each other out. It was not safe there because you

could be killed by wild animals or you could be kidnapped by bad men. I was allowed outside

only if someone came with me. Ethiopia felt like home.

The biggest change of my childhood was moving from Ethiopia to America. My mom

traveled to Ethiopia to come and get me. I was really excited at first to have a mom! Then I

freaked out and thought maybe I should just stay at the orphanage. The orphanage director talked
 me into traveling to America to start my new life and off we went. I tasted cold ice cream for the

first time at six am in Rome! My mom had to pull me onto the escalator because I was so scared

of it! I had to try cold ice water for the first time and I hated it, because they didnt have

refrigeration in Ethiopia. The first time my mom gave me a hot dog I thought she was feeding me

the family pet! I was about to spit it out. I was terrified of everything. I ate bread for weeks

because everything was so different. I had a brand new family that didn't understand me. They

spoke a different language. My family in America spoke English while I spoke Amharic. I

mostly learned English from Disney movies. I used to quote Shrek and the Lion King. I couldnt

hold a conversation for months. My mom taught me my ABCs at the age of nine, as I had

never been to school in Ethiopia.

The happiest moment of my life was having a second chance to a family since my first

one didn't turn out. Right now they are the most important thing in this entire world to me. I don't

know what I would do without them, especially having the best niece ever. Maliyah has brown

curly hair, blue and hazel eyes, and she is four years old. She is mixed race. Her mom is

Caucasian, aner dad is African American. My dad here looks like a redneck. He has a beat up

truck. He is mixed race. His mom is Hispanic and his dad is Caucasian. He is very intelligent. He

works in a prison. He teaches his prisoners that they can change they can have a second chance

of making the right decision. My mom is a hundred percent Caucasian with lots of freckles. My

mom works at Mayo Clinic. She is a registered nurse that does brain surgery. She saves lives

everyday. They both taught me to work hard and I can get where I want to go in life. They are

the kindest to me in my life even though they irritate my soul.

TOTAL: 19/20 1 2-3 4

Ideas & Content The story Story is missing Include

 doesnt make sense important parts (exposition, plot, EXPOSITION
Random or resolution) Include PLOT:
events in story Ideas in the story rising action, climax, and
are not connected well. falling action
Sequence of events Include
doesnt flow RESOLUTION
Ideas in the
story flow
Sequence of
events is logical.

Organization Paragraphs Attempt to write Each main part of

are missing paragraphs, but it needs the story is a paragraph.
No improvement. Use of
transitions Attempt to use connecting
transition words, but needs words/transitions
improvement.

Word Choice Use of Metaphor or simile is Use of at least

wanna, gotta, got missing one metaphor
No Attempt at SHOW Use of at least
metaphors DONT TELL, but it needs one simile
No similes improvement Use of SHOW
No General adjectives DONT TELL throughout
descriptions (fun, nice, etc.) story
Use specific
adjectives

Sentence Fluency No use of Attempt to use Compound

compound sentences compound sentences, but it needs sentences use FANBOYS
Fragments, improvement. appropriately
run-on sentences, and Only uses simple Complete
comma splice are sentences sentences (sentence has
common subject, verb, and other
information)
Variety of
sentences (simple, and
compound)

Conventions MLA format Attempt at MLA MLA format

is missing format but needs improvement. Periods and
No Punctuation is there capital letters
punctuation but it needs improvement No spelling
No spell Use of spell check, mistakes
check used but wrong words were chosen Correct subject-
Verb tenses Attempt to use past verb agreement
are not consistent tense and past perfect, but it Use of past tense
(present, past and needs improvement Use of past
perfect mixed) perfect