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'Do I know you from somewhere?'


In an online exclusive, David S. Smith considers patterns in male and female flirting behaviour.

Picture the scene: its a busy bar and psychology students are celebrating the end of exams. Among the
crowd a young man nervously walks up to a woman and makes his move: Is your name Brocas Aphasia?
Because you leave me speechless.

Now, while the merits of his opener are subject to debate, it perfectly exemplifies flirting: i.e. when a person
intentionally signals interest in someone else to capture their attention. This can take numerous forms,
such as innuendos by the watercooler, dancing at the office party or loaded invitations to coffee. The
common thread is they let us advertise romantic and sexual desires to others. Men and women show near
identical standards for recognising it (Abrahams, 1994), yet it seems they dont practice or respond to it the
same ways. Here I show evidence of sex differences across verbal and non-verbal modes, then explore
why these may have emerged.

Though flirting is not limited to the early stages of courtship, with its continued presence increasing
relationship satisfaction and its absence predicting marital breakdown (Frisby & Booth-Butterfield, 2012), it
is in this context I explore it. In doing so, Ill look at how what people say and do impacts how well they are
assessed, and some possible outcomes for our undergrads above.

Talking the talk

Given that men are consistently shown to pursue sex more readily than women (Baumeister et al., 2001), it
is perhaps unsurprising researchers have tended to focus on flirtation as male driven (and, indeed,

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'Do I know you from somewhere?' | The Psychologist

heterosexual). Bale and colleagues (2006) measured participants success-judgements of flirting, across
40 descriptions of men approaching women, to see what made for an effective opening gambit. They found
the lines women liked best were ones that communicated character (e.g. Excuse me lads, but I think this
lady was first) or qualities like wealth, dominance or fitness (e.g. Im one of the owners here, would you
like to dance?). The worst received were empty compliments and sexually loaded remarks (e.g. I may not
be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock!). This is consistent with the theory that women
value personal traits over appearance or sexual availability (for a cross-cultural assessment, see Buss,
1989).

Still, theres evidence of substantial variability in what lines women like best. Senko and Fyffe (2010)
investigated how preferences for chat up styles changed depending on the sort of partner they were after.
Participants got physical descriptions of different men, along with the approach they took. These included
direct (e.g. I saw you across the room and knew I had to meet you), indirect (e.g. Have we taken a class
together?), or sexually charged lines (e.g. Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for
Christmas?). Next, they considered each as a short- or long-term partner, and what the line said about the
mans personality. The authors found motivations mattered, and when primed with a long-term relationship
women were put off by more direct lines regardless of how attractive the man was. These openers also
indicated lower trustworthiness and intelligence. However, for the short-term, how a man looked mattered
more than his flirting style.

A limitation with the work cited so far is it has relied on vignettes rather than necessarily reflecting flirtation
in the real world. However, in an innovative observational study, Cant1 et al. (2013) had female
participants interact with a pair of male actors during high and low fertility stages of their menstrual cycle.
One character was written to be caring and family oriented, but lacking in charisma or confidence, with
these traits reversed in the other. Analysing their recordings, it was found women flirted more heavily when
most fertile. Specifically, their flirting was more directed at the sexy actor, correlating with a desire for
them as a short- rather than long-term partner. This parallels face research showing womens preferences
for cues of biological quality over good behaviour positively correlate with conception-risk or how much
they want a short-term relationship (Jones et al., 2008; Little et al., 2002). Ergo, the young man in the intro
would do well to learn his tactic wont work with everyone or at all times.

There is less evidence of differences in the kind of chat up lines men like, with them exhibiting a general
preference for directness. Frisby et al. (2011) showed men videos of actors talking and found
attractiveness ratings for women increased after seeing them flirt heavily. Similarly, a classic study by
Clark and Hatfield (1981) had an attractive stranger approach opposite sex students with romantic or
sexual offers including would you go out with me tonight? or would you go to bed with me?. For the
former, men and women were equally accommodating and around half of each agreed. But for the latter
there was a huge difference, with three-quarters of men saying yes but no women. More recently this has
been replicated in paper and pencil tasks, by Tappa et al. (2013).

Walking the walk

Of course not all flirting is verbal: a trip to the nearest nightclub ought to show that. Everyone probably has
an example of someone who held their gaze just a bit too long to be innocent. In addition to labs,
naturalistic settings have been used to better reflect real-world flirting between strangers. Observations of
unsuspecting club-goers have shown men are more likely to perform elaborate body language (e.g. puffing
their chest or strutting) and initiate physical contact (e.g. touching or stroking) than women. Yet more often
than not they need encouragement. Walsh and Hewitt (1985) found men were much more likely to
approach if women first made eye contact and smiled. By engaging in subtle displays of interest, women
can focus in on the men they like whilst putting off those they are less interested in (Perper, 1985).

But how about somewhere quieter? Grammer et al. (2000) duped mixed sex strangers into sitting together,

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'Do I know you from somewhere?' | The Psychologist

thinking they were waiting for a different experiment, and analysed how they behaved. They noticed
women performed come on motions (e.g. sitting with their legs uncrossed) regardless of how interested
they were in the men. But importantly, these signals got balanced out by signs of disinterest. It was only
later in conversations that womens actions and interest correlated, with only the most interested not
reducing them. In addition, women gave affirmation towards the start (e.g. nodding) regardless of
attraction, which men used as an invitation to talk more. Thus the authors suggest women use non-verbal
cues to subtly control a conversation. In doing so they potentially goad more revelations from men without
betraying their own intentionality. As per their verbal output, women were more likely to engage in non-
verbal flirting during periods of high fertility. Although again, this was only observed when talking to
attractive men.

Interestingly, hormones dont just influence how women act, but what they wear. Durante et al. (2010)
studied shopping behaviour, with a mock fashion catalogue, to see how menstrual cycle status mapped on
to choices between sexy or formal outfits. They recorded a correlation between womens fertility and
preferences for sexy clothing, shoes and accessories (although there are perhaps many reasons why
women might choose to dress differently at different times in their cycle). Other research from the same
team asked women to design a dress to wear at an imaginary party full of attractive singletons. More fertile
participants drew more revealing garments. Both studies led the authors to suggest women are more likely
to dress to impress around ovulation. So returning once more to the pair of undergrads, our young man
may have been particularly drawn to our young woman because of her attire. And though it seems that he
approached her its possible she first prompted him with the right gesture. Yet its equally possible he
misread the situation

Blurred lines

We often fail to accurately read others intentions, and we can hold deeply ingrained biases. The error
management theory of Haselton and Buss (2000) suggested these common occurrences often occur
when judgements are made under uncertainty, as they generally will be when trying to read someone else.
Participants read scenarios involving typically flirty behaviours (e.g. complimenting, kissing or holding
hands), with the task being to rate whether the imaginary dates were interested in sex or commitment.
Afterwards they got asked what they would have meant by the same acts. The results showed women's
assumptions of men's commitment tended to be significantly lower than men's own self-ratings.
Furthermore, men's ratings of women's sexual intent exceeded their own. Hence there was evidence of
men overestimating womens sexual interest (i.e. inferring greater intent than present), and women
underestimating mens romantic interest (i.e. perceiving lower intent than present).

These mind-sets are as true to interpretations of real exchanges as imagined ones. Henningsen and
Henningsen (2010) brought men and women together for a series of brief encounters and asked them to
talk freely. Each meeting lasted five minutes, with them being asked to simply get to know one another.
Afterwards both were asked about their interest in the other party, and to estimate their interest in return.
Results mimicked the error management model, further implying neither men nor women are great at
reading each other. So returning to our undergrads from the bar, she may hear his direct line, think hes
not serious and turn him away. But hell probably just tell himself he should have gone with his one about
the tip of the tongue phenomenon instead.

A functionalist explanation

No one branch of psychology has a monopoly on flirtation, and different outlooks can claim to explain some
of the work I have summarised. For instance, the over and under estimation biases in men and women
may be socialised, with patriarchal norms meaning men objectify women more than women do them.
Accordingly, men may view everyday interactions through a more sexual lens. Yet this kind of argument
would struggle to explain the examples of hormonal modulation.

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'Do I know you from somewhere?' | The Psychologist

The framework that best accommodates the work here is a functionalist one. Parental investment theory
anticipates differences in the evolutionary problems men and women faced will have resulted in separate
romantic decision heuristics (Trivers, 1972). In humans the minimum investment women need to dedicate
to offspring is a gestation phase, leading to birth, followed by a prolonged period as caregiver.
Consequently, evolution should have favoured strategies attuned to picking men with a combo of good
genetic inheritance plus resources and investment (i.e. mate quality). A mans investment, by contrast, can
be over in a matter of minutes (Waldinger et al., 2005, say an average of 5.4 if anyones interested).
Moreover, unlike their female counterparts, men can increase the amount of progeny they have by finding
as many sexual partners as possible. They should therefore be geared towards maximising opportunities
(i.e. mate quantity). More cautious patterns in female partner choice have been observed across a number
of species, hence Darwin originally dubbing sexual selection female choice.

Thus when considering a male as a long-term partner it makes evolutionary sense for women to be
deterred by a direct approach, whereas for men it may be welcome, since it implies a relatively low
investment threshold for sexual access. Bale and colleagues (2005) use this split to explain gender
discrepancies in response to loaded lines. Its also congruent with the attractiveness literature, for example
that increased fertility or a desire for short-term relationships makes it more likely women will like cues
associated with biological fitness instead of prosocial traits.

This explanation can also be used to explain variance in the non-verbal literature. Here womens tactics
are perhaps more understated than mens. Baumesister and Vohs (2004) draw a comparison between
sexual and market economics, arguing the perceived value of a product comes from how widely it is
thought to be distributed. In other words, more openly flirty women might be less likely to attract men that
are later willing to invest. Being sexually discreet is particularly important since men tend to overrate
womens interest.

Out of the Stone Age

Of course, the existence of predispositions does not limit us to them. Rather human behaviour is owed to a
blend of biology and environment. In as much as evolution did not stop at the central nervous system,
society didnt at the savanna. Thus if Mother Nature bestowed us with a stone-age brain it ought to be one
flexible enough for the modern day. It is this world of higher life expectancy, reduced child mortality,
contraception and more widespread access to resources that will define our current selection pressures.
Moreover the literature is very heteronormative, limiting how generalisable some of findings are. This is not
surprising, given that an evolutionary view is not so effective for examining same-sex flirting. Similarly a
relative growth in polyamorous relationships, along with culturally shifting attitudes towards promiscuity and
sexuality, challenge the generalisation of more traditional mating models. More research is most definitely
needed.

We also no longer expect to find our ideal person in our own, or a neighbouring, tribe. Each of us can now
access a vast amount of potential partners to think about, ignore or swipe right on. Our dating pool is now
more like an ocean. And, luckily for our budding psychologists at the start, its one with plenty of fish.

- David Smith is a psychology lecturer at BPP University, London. DavidSmith@bpp.com

Find much more on love and attraction in our archive. And download our free iOS/Android app for a free
special to mark Valentine's Day!

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'Do I know you from somewhere?' | The Psychologist

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