Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue-elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
a blue-elephant gun.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
-- Shakespeare
You are always busy.
"Why make it simple when it is possible to make it complicated"
Husse March 2 2007
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.
"sorry I have so many questions now that I get dizzy"
Husse Nov 18 2007
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
"Poking around in my system brings surprises and experience"
Husse Mar 5 2007
You'll be sorry...
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
lady who knits.
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
feels guilty and apologizes.
The Odyssey LITE(tm)
-- by Homer
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
Your lucky color has faded.
Long life is in store for you.
"but yes I was wrong
My memory did not serve me right"
Husse Oct 15 2007
"This is sad - the old DOS days is not what we want it to be like.
However some hardware does not want to cooperate...."
Husse Jul 29 2007
Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
"Wifi is a pain in the.... until you get it fixed"
Husse Oct 8 2007
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
If you can read this, you're too close.
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A: The impossible dream.
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
-- Mark Twain
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
bad fiction contest.
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
Do not overtax your powers.
"I must admit I don't "see" that splash - I don't really care and my mind is els
ewhere when I log in"
Husse Sept 3 2007
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
-- William Shakespeare
You will contract a rare disease.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
"Yes. They have more money."
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
-- William Shakespeare
"And vesa is at best "not terrible"
Husse Apr 5 2007
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
"I almost never get problems with my systems, and when I do they are really seri
ous"
Husse Nov 28 2007
Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
Never laugh at live dragons.
-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
"Besides hdparm is a dangerous toy.."
Husse Apr 6 2007
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"
Q: Why do WASPs play golf ?
A: So they can dress like pimps.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
-- Mark Twain
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
-- Shakespeare
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
"This is really interesting if you are a nerd like me...."
Husse Jul 4 2007
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
Reply hazy, ask again later.
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.
"It seems that your system thinks it has two CD players and gets confused"
Husse Sept 28 2007
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
-- Mark Twain
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
"I don't mean to be rude - but what are you saying?"
Husse Oct 1 2007
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
"Easy to forget the beginning of a thread"
Husse May 20 2007
"I did a quick search for the printer and most hits were in languages I don't un
derstand"
Husse Oct 3 2007
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
So you're back... about time...
Chess tonight.
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
-- Mark Twain
"Turning a supertanker"
Husse Jul 27 2007
"sorry I have so many questions now that I get dizzy"
Husse Nov 18 2007
You will never know hunger.
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
There is a fly on your nose.
Just to have it is enough.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!
"I'll come back to you when I'm thinking a bit better"
Husse Sept 11 2007
You will soon forget this.
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A: Because that was her name.
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
-- Mark Twain
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
"Apology just about accepted, but please don't use such language. If you can't g
et something to work which works for everybody else, it's most likely that the e
rror is with you - right?"
Husse Jul 30 2007
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes."
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
-- Mark Twain
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
"I'm not at all sure this helps you, but as you say there is nothing to be found
about the problem except in czech and my attempt att "babelfishing" failed mise
rably"
Husse Jul 30 2007
When in doubt, tell the truth.
 -- Mark Twain
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.
"I answered a similar question a few days ago (I'm not implying you should have
searched better)"
Husse Jun 8 2007
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
little ironic since we may not have one.
-- Arthur Clarke
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
-- Justin Richardson.
"Right now I'm a bit confused as to which one is the big problem, but probably 1
505. This is what happens to you when you answer lots of posts - it's not even n
early possible to remember all."
Husse Jul 6 2007
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
of the way.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round. Usurper.
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
syllable is thine!"
 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
"The links are dead - and Firefox don't like them"
Husse Jul 7 2007
Cold hands, no gloves.
You will be awarded some great honor.
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to the earlier joke.
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
"Sorry, I underestimated your need for help"
Husse Jun 30 2007
"You have waited a bit too long for an answer, here it is in the middle of big h
olidays - haven't done anything with my computer other than reading the newspape
rs for a couple of days."
Husse Jun 23 2007
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
"PS Like me you seem not to be a native english speaker...
you write not wright"
Husse Apr 9 2007
Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"
"I have an immense patience and in the end we will clear things out"
Oct 14 2007
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way!
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A: The impossible dream.
"No I don't go to the IM channel any more - I found it disturbing to keep an eye
on it"
Husse Jul 4 2007
"At times some error is hiding behind it, but I would not care"
Husse Jul 9 2007
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
"Yes. They have more money."
I'll burn my books.
-- Christopher Marlowe
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
"But - it is sad that it is so, not complicated, but not at all straight forward
"
Husse Aug 5 2007
Someone is speaking well of you.
How unusual!
"Yes there is a lot of people doing a great job out there."
Husse Jul 15 2007
You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,
they're not all recommended.
Harp not on that string.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
You're at the end of the road again.
Q: Why do WASPs play golf ?
A: So they can dress like pimps.
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One less drunk.
You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
"Sorry - when you are used to something it's easy to forget that everybody is no
t"
Husse Jul 12 2007
For courage mounteth with occasion.
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
"No - I definitely do not try to start a war"
Husse Jul 29 2007
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain
"Wifi is a pain in the.... until you get it fixed"
Husse Oct 8 2007
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
-- Mark Twain
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
There's small choice in rotten apples.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A: 9 edge down.
"And a lot of times it did not work when it should have and the other way round
sometimes"
Husse May 1 2007
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The application can work around it.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.
"I'm out of options for now. It is something that has gone wrong "in the apt-get
region" (can't find a good expression for that)"
Husse Jun 17 2007
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
"Well I'll try to answer you even if I'm not George and it's evening And I don't
have any pigeons...."
Husse Jul 26 2007
So you're back... about time...
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will be run over by a beer truck.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
"I'm not at all sure this helps you, but as you say there is nothing to be found
about the problem except in czech and my attempt att "babelfishing" failed mise
rably"
Husse Jul 30 2007
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
-- Mark Twain
People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
"I don't know if something can be done, but something should be done...."
Husse Jul 28 2007
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A: He changes the domain.
Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
"I don't want to spend all my time tied to the computer - my wife needs some att
ention too"
Husse Oct 14 2007
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
"Sadly wifi is a bit of a problem.."
Husse Jul 25 2007
"You may have to add other esoteric combinations of letters to get Beryl working
and so on..."
Husse Jul 15 2007
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One less drunk.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Every why hath a wherefore.
-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
-- Mark Twain
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
Be careful! Is it classified?
"Or you could do like me - throw yourself right into the Linux nest and read aft
erwards"
Husse Jun 8 2007
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You will get what you deserve.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
"My answer was partly the way it was because I did not know and did not have the
time to check"
Husse Sept 2 2007
You will wish you hadn't.
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
be better."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal
Harp not on that string.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
-- Justin Richardson.
"Sorry - but this is nonsense and I can't even think of what it means..."
Husse Oct 7 2007
You will wish you hadn't.
Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
"Don't do the upgrade to 7.0.4 it'll give you problems if you're not really skil
led. Even I would refrain"
Husse May 1 2007
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Tempt not a desperate man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
You are number 6! Who is number one?
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
"You can't expect an imediate response, and sometimes you don't get a response a
t all - no one knows the answer."
Husse Apr 9 2007
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
You need more time; and you probably always will.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
October 12, the Discovery.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
"Hopefully you are experienced enough not to make mistakes such as giving the wr
ong path to the inf file"
Husse Nov 29 2007
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
"You've passed the big hurdle - to get wifi working."
Husse May 12 2007
You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
There was a phone call for you.
"The links are dead - and Firefox don't like them"
Husse Jul 7 2007
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
"Sorry - when you are used to something it's easy to forget that everybody is no
t"
Husse Jul 12 2007
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
"Check the homepage for a .deb package.
It seems you've got to "make install", something I could do only if I could hold
someones hand, uncle Google will do"
Husse Apr 9 2007
"Could you describe what happens better so there's a chance to see when it stops
."
Husse Nov 25 2007
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
"I'm trying to understand the mysteries of wireless myself at the moment."
Husse Apr 7 2007
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
-- Mark Twain
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A: A howdah duty.
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
of the way.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
"I did a quick search for the printer and most hits were in languages I don't un
derstand"
Husse Oct 3 2007
My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
You fill a much-needed gap.
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
"And vesa is at best "not terrible"
Husse Apr 5 2007
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
"Long time ago since I got so exuberant...."
Husse Mar 3 2007
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
of the way.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
-- Mark Twain
"That brings me to a black screen with just a cursor - cursing my bad luck"
Husse Apr 3 2007
Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A: A dinner party.
"What do you mean? Install Synaptic - it's there from the beginning....."
Husse Nov 18 2007
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
-- Mark Twain
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
You will be awarded some great honor.
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
-- Shakespeare
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A: A howdah duty.
AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
AWAKE! AWAKE!
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
Blow it out your ear.
I do desire we may be better strangers.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
"You can't expect an imediate response, and sometimes you don't get a response a
t all - no one knows the answer."
Husse Apr 9 2007
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.
"Or you could do like me - throw yourself right into the Linux nest and read aft
erwards"
Husse Jun 8 2007
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
Beware the one behind you.
"Clueless
I'll have to read this again"
Husse Oct 22 2007
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"