Moreno

Valley College

AngerManagement
TrainingManual

 Moreno Valley College

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ModuleOne:GettingStarted...............................................................................................................4
WorkshopObjectives................................................................................................................................4

ModuleTwo:UnderstandingAnger.....................................................................................................6
TheCycleofAnger....................................................................................................................................6

UnderstandingFightorFlight...................................................................................................................8

CommonMythsaboutAnger....................................................................................................................9

ModuleThree:DosandDonts..........................................................................................................10
UnhelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger...................................................................................................10

HelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger.......................................................................................................11

ModuleFour:GainingControl............................................................................................................12
AWordofWarning.................................................................................................................................12

UsingCopingThoughts...........................................................................................................................13

UsingRelaxationTechniques..................................................................................................................14

BlowingOffSomeSteam........................................................................................................................15

ModuleFive:SeparatethePeoplefromtheProblem.........................................................................16
Objectivevs.SubjectiveLanguage..........................................................................................................16

IdentifyingtheProblem..........................................................................................................................18

UsingIMessages.................................................................................................................................18

ModuleSix:WorkingontheProblem.................................................................................................21
UsingConstructiveDisagreement..........................................................................................................21

NegotiationTips......................................................................................................................................22

BuildingConsensus.................................................................................................................................23

IdentifyingSolutions...............................................................................................................................23
 Moreno Valley College

ModuleSeven:SolvingtheProblem...................................................................................................25
ChoosingaSolution................................................................................................................................25

MakingaPlan.........................................................................................................................................26

GettingitDone.......................................................................................................................................26

ModuleEight:APersonalPlan...........................................................................................................28
UnderstandingHotButtons....................................................................................................................28

IdentifyingYourHotButtons..................................................................................................................29

APersonalAngerLog..............................................................................................................................29

ModuleNine:TheTripleAApproach.................................................................................................31
Alter........................................................................................................................................................31

Avoid.......................................................................................................................................................32

Accept.....................................................................................................................................................33

ModuleTen:DealingwithAngryPeople............................................................................................34
UnderstandingtheEnergyCurve............................................................................................................34

DeescalationTechniques.......................................................................................................................36

WhentoBackAwayandWhattoDoNext.............................................................................................38

ModuleEleven:PullingItAllTogether...............................................................................................40
ProcessOverview....................................................................................................................................40

PuttingItintoAction...............................................................................................................................41

ModuleTwelve:WrappingUp............................................................................................................43
WordsfromtheWise..............................................................................................................................43

 Moreno Valley College

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot

coal with the intent of throwing it at
someone else; you are the one who gets
burned.

Buddha

Module One: Getting Started

WelcometotheAngerManagementworkshop.BenjaminFranklinoncesaid,Inthisworld,nothingcan
besaidtobecertain,exceptdeathandtaxes.Wewouldliketo
addathirditemtohislist:anger.Angercanbeanincredibly
damagingforce,costingpeopletheirjobs,personalrelationships,
andeventheirliveswhenitgetsoutofhand.However,since
everyoneexperiencesanger,itisimportanttohaveconstructive
approachestomanageiteffectively.

Thisworkshopwillhelpteachparticipantshowtoidentifytheir
angertriggersandwhattodowhentheirangry.

Workshop Objectives
Researchhasconsistentlydemonstratedthatwhencleargoalsareassociatedwith
learningthatthelearningoccursmoreeasilyandrapidly.Withthatinmind,lets
reviewourgoalsfortoday.

Bytheendofthisworkshop,participantswillbeableto:

Understandangerdynamicsintermsoftheangercycleandthefightorflighttheory.

Knowcommonangermythsandtheirfactualrefutations.

Knowthehelpfulandunhelpfulwaysofdealingwithanger.

Knowtechniquesincontrollinganger,particularreadingangerwarningsigns,usingcoping
thoughts,exercisingrelaxationtechniquesandblowingoffsteam.

Understandthedifferencebetweenobjectiveandsubjectivelanguage.

Knowtipsinidentifyingtheproblem.

ExpressafeelingorpositionusingImessages.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 4

 Moreno Valley College

Knowskillsandtechniquesinmakingadisagreementconstructive,includingeffective
negotiationandsolutionbuilding.

Reflectononeshotbuttonsandpersonalangerdynamics.

Knowalter,avoidand,acceptwaysofrespondingtoanangerprovokingsituation.

Understandtheenergycurveandhowitcanhelpinrespondingtosomeoneelsesanger.

Learnandpracticedeescalationtechniques.

Gainanintegratedviewofangermanagementandhowitcanbebestpracticed.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 5

 Moreno Valley College

Anger always comes from frustrated

expectations.

Elliot Larson

Module Two: Understanding Anger

Beforewediscussspecificangermanagementstrategies,itishelpful
tofirstunderstandthenatureofanger.Whilemostarefamiliarwith
thisemotion,noteveryoneisawareofitsunderlyingdynamics.In
thismodule,wewilldiscussthecycleofanger,thefightorflight
response,andcommonmythsaboutanger.

The Cycle of Anger

Angerisanaturalemotionthatusuallystemsfromperceivedthreatorloss.Itsa
pervasiveemotion;itaffectsourbody,thoughts,feelings,andbehavior.Angeris
oftendescribedintermsofitsintensity,frequency,duration,threshold,and
expression.

Angertypicallyfollowsapredictablepattern:acycle.Understandingthecycleof
angercanhelpusunderstandourownangerreactions,andthoseofothers.Itcan
alsohelpusinconsideringthemostappropriateresponse.

Illustratedbelowarethefivephasesoftheangercycle:trigger,escalation,crisis,recovery,and
depression.

Crisis

Escalation Recovery

TheCycle
ofAnger
Trigger
Depression
EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 6

Normal/
AdaptivePhase
 Moreno Valley College

1. TheTriggerPhase
Thetriggerphasehappenswhenweperceiveathreatorloss,andourbodypreparestorespond.In
thisphase,thereisasubtlechangefromanindividualsnormal/adaptivestateintohisstressed
state.Angertriggersdifferfrompersontoperson,andcancomefromboththeenvironmentor
fromourthoughtprocesses.

2. TheEscalationPhase
Intheescalationphase,thereistheprogressiveappearanceoftheangerresponse.Inthisphase,
ourbodypreparesforacrisisafterperceivingthetrigger.Thispreparationismostlyphysical,andis
manifestedthroughsymptomslikerapidbreathing,increasedheartrate,andraisedbloodpressure.
Oncetheescalationphaseisreachedthereislesschanceofcalmingdown,asthisisthephase
wherethebodypreparesforfightorflight(tobediscussedlater).

3. TheCrisisPhase
Aspreviouslymentioned,theescalationphaseisprogressive,anditisinthecrisisphasethatthe
angerreactionreachesitspeak.Inthecrisisphaseourbodyisonfullalert,preparedtotakeaction
inresponsetothetrigger.Duringthisphase,logicandrationalitymaybelimited,ifnotimpaired
becausetheangerinstincttakesover.Inextremecases,thecrisisphasemeansthatapersonmay
beaseriousdangertohimselfortootherpeople.

4. TheRecoveryPhase
Therecoveryphasehappenswhentheangerhasbeenspent,oratleastcontrolled,andthereisnow
asteadyreturntoapersonsnormal/adaptivestate.Inthisstage,reasoningandawarenessofones
selfreturns.Iftherightinterventionisapplied,thereturntonormalcyprogressessmoothly.
However,aninappropriateinterventioncanreignitetheangerandserveasanewtrigger.

5. TheDepressionPhase
Thedepressionphasemarksareturntoapersonsnormal/adaptiveways.Physically,thisstage
marksbelownormalvitalsigns,suchasheartrate,sothatthebodycanrecoverequilibrium.A
personsfulluseofhisfacultiesreturnatthispoint,andthenewawarenesshelpsapersonassess
whatjustoccurred.Consequently,thisstagemaybemarkedbyembarrassment,guilt,regret,andor
depression.

Afterthedepressionphaseisareturntoanormaloradaptivephase.Anewtrigger,however,canstart
theentirecyclealloveragain.

Belowisanexampleofapersongoingthroughthefivestagesoftheangercycle.

Josephinecamehomefromworktoseedirtyplatesleftinthesink(triggerphase).Shestartedtowash
them,butasshewasdoingsoshekeptthinkingabouthowinconsiderateherchildrenarefornot
cleaningafterthemselves.Shewasalreadytiredfromworkanddoesnotneedtheextrachore.Shefelt
theheatinherneckandthetrembleinherhandsassheswashingthedishes(escalationphase).

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 7

 Moreno Valley College

Feelinglikeshecantkeepittoherselfanylonger,shestormeduptheroomtoconfrontherkids.Ina
raisedvoice,sheaskedthemhowdifficultcoulditbetowashthedishes.Shetoldthemthattheyare
gettingpunishedfortheirlackofresponsibility(crisisphase).

Havinggottenthewordsout,shefeltcalmer,andherheartbeatslowlyreturnedtonormal.Shesawthat
herkidsarebusywithhomeworkwhenshehadinterruptedthem.Shewasalsobetterabletoheartheir
reasoning,astheyapologized(recoveryphase).

Josephineregrettedyellingatherchildrenandtoldthemthatshessimplytiredanditsnottheirfault
(depressionphase).

NOTE:Howlongeachphaselastsdifferfrompersontoperson.Somepeoplealsoskipcertainphases,or
elsetheygothroughthemprivatelyand/orunconsciously.

Understanding Fight or Flight

TheFightorFlighttheory,formulatedbyWalterCannon,describeshowpeople
reacttoperceivedthreat.Basically,whenfacedwithsomethingthatcanharm
us,weeitheraggress(fight)orwithdraw(flight).Itisbelievedthatthisreaction
isaningrainedinstinctgearedtowardssurvival.

Thefightorflightinstinctismanifestedinbodilyways.Whenfacedwitha
threat,ourbodyreleasesthehormonesadrenaline,noradrenaline,andcortisol.Thesechemicalsare
designedtotakeustoastateofalertnessandaction.Theyresultinincreasedenergy,heartrate,slowed
digestion,andabovenormalstrength.

Understandingthefightorflightinstinctcanhelpusunderstandthedynamicsofourangerresponse.
Thefollowingaresomeoftheimplicationsofthefightandflighttheoryonangermanagement:

First,thetheoryunderscoreshowangerisbutanaturalresponse.Thereisnomoralitytoanger.Angeris
aresultofperceivedharmtoself,whetherphysicaloremotional.

Second,thistheoryremindsusoftheneedtostayincontrol.Whenweareangry,ourrationalselfgets
overriddenbyabasicsurvivalinstinct.Theresaneedtoactimmediately.Thisinstinctcanthenresultin
aggressiveness,overreactivity,andhypervigilance,whichareallcontrarytorationalanddeliberate
response.Consciousefforttowardsselfawarenessandcontrolisneededsothatthisinstinctdoesnot
overpowerus.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 8

 Moreno Valley College

Common Myths about Anger

Herearefivecommonmythsaboutanger:

1. Angerisabademotion.
Thereisnosuchthingasagoodorbademotion;theyareinstinctualreactions
andwedontmakeconsciousdecisionsforthemtocome.Infact,someanger
reactionsareappropriate,suchastheangeragainstdiscrimination,injustice,andabuse.Whatcan
bejudgedaspositiveornegative/healthyorunhealthyishowwereacttoanger.

2. Angerneedstobeunleashedforittogoaway.
Itstruethatangerneedstobeexpressedinorderforsymptomstoberelieved.However,
expressingangerinverballyorphysicallyaggressivewaysarenottheonlywaytounleashanger.
Norisangeranexcuseforapersontobeaggressive.Theexpressionofangercanbetemperedby
rationalityandforethought.

Notethatventingangerdoesnotnecessarilyresultsintotheangerdisappearing,althoughventing
canrelievethesymptoms.Attimes,processingpersonalexperiences,seeingconcretechangeand
genuineforgivenessareneededforangertogoaway.

3. Ignoringangerwillmakeitgoaway.
Generally,allkindsofemotionsdonotdisappearwhenignored.Theangerjustgetstemporarily
shelved,andwilllikelyfindotherwaysofgettingexpressed.Itcangetprojectedtoanotherperson,
transformedintoaphysicalsymptom,orbuiltupforabiggerfutureblowup.Someofourbehaviors
mayevenbeunconsciouswaysofexpressinganger.

Whiletherearesituationswhenitsinadvisabletoexpressyourangerimmediately,theveryleast
youcandoisacknowledgethatitexists.

4. Youcantcontrolyouranger.
Thismythisrelatedtothesecondone.Asdiscussedearlier,thefightandflightinstinctcanmake
angeranoverwhelmingemotion.However,thisinstinctdoesnotmeanthatyourebutaslaveto
yourimpulses.Awarenessofangerdynamicsandaconsciousefforttoriseaboveyourangercan
helpyouregaincontrolofyourreactions.

5. IfIdontgetangry,peoplewillthinkIamapushover.
Itstruethatapersoncanlosecredibilityishemakesrulesandthenignoresviolations.However,
angerisnottheonlywayapersoncanshowthatthereareconsequencestoviolations.Infact,the
mosteffectivewayofinstillingdisciplineinothersistohaveacalm,nonemotionalapproachto
dealingwithrulebreakers.Calmandrationalitycancommunicatestrengthtoo.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 9

 Moreno Valley College

How much more grievous are the

consequences of anger than the causes of
it.

Marcus Aurelius

Module Three: Dos and Donts

Nowthatweveestablishedthatangerisanatural,unavoidable,
andinstinctualreaction,letslookathowwecanrespondto
angerappropriately.Inthismodule,wewilldiscussthedosand
dontsinrespondingtoanger.

Unhelpful Ways of Dealing with Anger

Thefollowingareunhelpfulwaysofdealingwithanger:

1. DONTignoretheanger.
Somepeoplerespondtoangerbynotadmitting,eventothemselves,thatthey
areangry.Defensemechanismsoftenusedtoignoreangerincludelaughingan
issueoff,distractingonesselffromtheproblem,andtrivializingthetriggers
impact.

2. DONTkeeptheangerinside.
Therearepeoplewhodorecognizethattheyreangry.However,theychoosetoobsessabouttheir
angerinsilenceratherthanexpressit.Theycanbeargrudgesforalongtime.Peoplelikethis,also
calledstuffers,aremorelikelytodevelophypertensioncomparedtoothers.Theyarealsolikelyto
justexplodeoneday,oncetheangerhasbuilttothepointthattheycantkeepitinsideanymore.

3. DONTgetaggressive.
Therighttoventyourangerdoesntextendtodoingitinwaysthatcanhurtothers,hurtyourself,
anddamageproperty.Aggressioncanbeverbalorphysical.

4. DONTgetpassiveaggressive.
Passiveaggressivenessreferstoindirectandunderhandedmeanstogetbackatthepersonwho
madeyouangry.Examplesofpassiveaggressivebehaviorsaregossiping,tardinessandbackbiting.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 10

 Moreno Valley College

5. DONTusenonconstructivecommunicationstyles.
Avoidtheuseofindirectattacksandunproductivestatements.Theseincludeblaming,labeling,
preaching,moralizing,ordering,warning,interrogating,ridiculingandlecturing.

Helpful Ways of Dealing with Anger

Thefollowingarehelpfulwaysindealingwithanger:

1. DOacknowledgethatyouareangry.
Itisimportantthatyouknowhowtorecognizethatyouareangry,andgive
yourselfpermissiontofeelit.ThiscanbeassimpleassayingtoyourselfIam
angry.Remember,youcantcontrolsomethingyoudontadmitexists!

2. DOcalmyourselfbeforeyousayanything.
Inthepreviousdiscussions,wesawhowthereisabiologicalreasonwhyangercanfeel
overwhelmingourbodyisengagedinafightorflightresponse.Ithelpsthentodeferany
reactionsuntilyouhavereachedthereturntonormal/adaptivephaseoftheangercycle.
Otherwise,youmightendupsayingordoingsomethingthatyoudlaterregret.Count1to10!

3. DOspeakup,whensomethingisimportanttoyou.
Thisistheoppositetokeepingitallin.Ifamatterisimportanttoyou,somuchsothatkeeping
silentwouldjustresultinphysicalandmentalsymptoms,thenletitout.Ifitsnotpossibletospeak
tothepersonconcerned,atleastlookforatrustedfriendoramentalhealthprofessional.

4. DOexplainhowyourefeelinginamannerthatshowsownershipandresponsibilityforyour
anger.
Takeownershipandresponsibilityforyourfeelings.Thismakestheangerwithinyourcontrol(you
cantcontrolotherpeople).Onewaytotakeownershipandresponsibilityforyourangeristhrough
theuseofImessages,whichwouldbediscussedinalatermodule.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 11

 Moreno Valley College

People who fly into a rage always make a

bad landing.

Will Rogers

Module Four: Gaining Control

Angerisinstinctual,yes.Itisanemotionthatcomesunbiddenand
weoftendonthaveachoicewhetherwewouldbeangryornot.
Whatwecandohowever,istakecontrolofourangerwhenit
comes.Inthismodule,wewilldiscusswaystogaincontroloverour
anger.Specificallywewilldiscussrecognizingwarningsigns,coping
thoughts,relaxationtechniquesandwaystoblowoffsteam.

A Word of Warning
Thefirststepingainingcontrolofangeristorecognizeitswarningsigns.Youhave
tobeawareofsymptomsthatyourangerisabouttobuildup,sothatyoucancatch
yourselfearlyandmakethenecessaryintervention.Thisprocessinvolvestaking
yourselffromthemomentandobservingyourownreactionsfromathirdperson
pointofview.

Warningsignsofangerexistsinarange.Someareveryobvious;othersverysubtle.
Theydifferfrompersontoperson.

Signsofangercanbephysical,mental,emotional,andbehavioral.

Physicalsignsofangerinclude:
rapidheartrate
difficultybreathing
headache
stomachache
sweating
feelinghotinthefaceandneck
shaking

Mentalsignsofangerinclude:

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 12

 Moreno Valley College

difficultyconcentrating
obsessingonthesituation
thinkingvengefulthoughts
cynicism

Emotionalsignsofangerinclude:
sadness
irritability
guilt
resentment
feelinglikeyouneedtohurtsomeone
needingtobealone
needingtoisolateonesself
numbness

Behavioralsignsofangerinclude:
clenchingoffist
poundingoffistonawall/tableoranysurface
pacing
raisingonesvoice
anyactofaggression/passiveaggression

Using Coping Thoughts

Onceyourealizethatyouareangry,orthatyoureabouttogetangry,youcan
startcalmingyourselfmentally.Thefollowingarejustafewmentalscriptsyou
canusetokeepyourangerundercontrol.

1. Calmdownfirst,andthinkthisthrough.

2. Thismaynotbeasbadasitseems.

3. Thisisjustoneincidentitdoesntdefinemylife.

4. Iamcapableofmanagingthissituation.

5. Itsalrighttobeupset./Ihavetherighttobeupsetinthissituation./Iamangry.

6. Whatneedstobedoneimmediately?(damagecontrol/solutionfocusedmode).

7. Badthings/Mistakesdohappen/Nothingssaysthatthingswillgorightallthetime.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 13

 Moreno Valley College

8. Thereisnoneedtofeelthreatenedhere.

9. Ihavenocontroloverotherpeopleandtheirfeelings.ButIhavecontrolovermyself.

10. IhavemanagedangersuccessfullybeforeandIwillagain.

Using Relaxation Techniques

Anotherwaytohelpyoucontrolyourangeristointentionallyinduceyourselftoa
stateofcalm.Thiscanhelpespeciallyinaddressingthephysicalsymptomsof
anger.

Relaxationtechniquesthatyoucandoinclude:

1. BreathingExercises
Deliberatelycontrollingyourbreathingcanhelpapersoncalmdown.Waystodothisinclude:
breathingthroughonesnoseandexhalingthroughonesmouth,breathingfromonesdiagram,and
breathingrhythmically.

2. Meditation
Meditationisawayofexercisingmentaldiscipline.Mostmeditationtechniquesinvolveincreasing
selfawareness,monitoringthoughts,andfocusing.Meditationtechniquesincludeprayer,the
repetitionofamantra,andrelaxingmovementorpostures.

3. ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation(PMR)
PMRisatechniqueofstressmanagementthatinvolvesmentallyinducingyourmusclestotenseand
relax.PMRusuallyfocusesonareasofthebodywheretensioniscommonlyfelt,suchasthehead,
shoulders,andchestarea.Itsawaytoexercisethepowerofthemindoverthebody.

4. Visualization
Visualizationistheuseofmentalimagerytoinducerelaxation.Somevisualizationexerciseinvolves
picturingaplaceofserenityandcomfort,suchasabeachoragarden.Othervisualizationexercises
involveimaginingthereleaseofangerinametaphoricalform.Anexampleofthislatterkindof
visualizationisimaginingonesangerasaballtobereleasedtospace.

5. Music
Somepeoplefindlisteningtomusicasveryrelaxing.Thekindofmusicthatscalmingdiffersfrom
persontoperson;traditionalrelaxationmusicincludesclassicalpieces,acousticsounds,andeven
ambientnoises.

6. ArtandCrafts
Therearepeoplewhofindworkingwiththeirhandsasagoodwaytorelax.Thisisespeciallytruefor
peoplewhofeeltheirtensionsintheirhands.Drawingpictures,paperconstructionandsculpting
arejustsomeofthewaystodestresswhenfacedwithanangertrigger.Artsandcraftsarehelpful
becauseitkeepsapersonfromobsessingontheangerwhileheorsheisstillintherecoveryphase
oftheangercycle.
EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 14

 Moreno Valley College

Blowing Off Some Steam

Anotherwayofcontrollingyourangerisbygettingtheangerenergyoutblowing
offsteam.Thesetechniquesareespeciallyhelpfulwhenyouareinthecrisisphase
oftheangercycle.

Thefollowingaresomeconstructivewaysofblowingoffsteam:

1. Screaming
Iftheplacewouldallowit,screamingcanhelpreleasethetensionsandfrustrationsthatcomewith
anger.Thinkofthethingthatangersyouthemost,buildmomentum,andletitoutinonebigshout.
Youmayalsoscreamoutthewordsyouwishyoucouldsayifthevenueisappropriate;thelouder
thescream,thebetter.

2. PhysicalActivity
Manypeoplefindexercise,sports,dancingandevenjustpacingabout,aseffectivewaystovent
anger.Thismakessense;ifthefightandflightresponsegearsapersonforphysicalaction,then
physicalactionmightindeedbethebestwaytodealwiththeanger.Physicalactivityisalsobelieved
toreleaseendorphins,ournaturalmoodregulators.

3. PillowPunching
Theneedtofightbackmaybechanneledthroughpunchingpillows.Pillowsprovideasafewayto
releasetensions;itssafenotjustfortheobjectoftheangerbutalsoforonesself.Related
techniquesincludewringingouttowelsandbreakingoldplates.

4. Writing
Ifphysicalactivitiesarenotyourthing,youcanblowoffsteambyexpressingyourthoughtsand
feelingsinwriting.Youcanwriteinanunstructuredway,simplyputtingonpaperthefirstthingthat
comestoyourmind.Youcanalsobemorecreativeaboutit,andchannelyourangerthroughpoetry
orsong.

5. Singing
Heresanewone:ventyourangerbygoingtoyournearestvideokeorkaraokebar.Manypeople
findsingingtherapeutic,especiallyifthesonglyricsandmelodymatchesonesmood.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 15

 Moreno Valley College

It is wise to direct your anger towards

problems not people; to focus your
energies on answers not excuses.

William Arthur Ward

Module Five: Separate the People from the Problem

Angerisnotjustpersonal.Itcanberelationalaswell.When
managingangerthatinvolvesotherpeople,ithelpstohave
aproblemorienteddisposition,settingpersonalmatters
aside.Thiswaytheissuebecomesanobjectiveand
workableissue.

Inthismodule,wewilldiscusswaystoseparatepeoplefrom
theproblem.Specifically,wewilldiscussthedifference
betweenobjectiveandsubjectivelanguage,waystoidentify
theproblem,andhowtouseImessages.

Objective vs. Subjective Language

Onewaytomakesurethatadiscussionremainsconstructiveistouseobjective
ratherthansubjectivelanguage.

Objectivelanguageinvolvesstatingyourpositionusingreferencepointsthatare
observable,factual,andfreefrompersonalprejudices.Objectivereferencesdonot
changefrompersontoperson.

Thisistheoppositeofsubjectivelanguage,whichisvague,biased,andoremotional.Youareusing
subjectivelanguagewhenyouarestatinganopinion,assumption,belief,judgment,orrumor.

Theuseofobjectivelanguagekeepsthediscussiononneutralground.Itslessthreateningtoapersons
selfesteemandthereforekeepspeoplefrombeinginthedefensive.Moreimportantly,objective
languagecanbedisputedandconfirmed,whichensuresthatthediscussioncangotowardsasolution.

Herearesomeguidelinesintheuseofobjectivevs.subjectivelanguage:

1. Statebehaviorsinsteadofpersonalitytraits.

Subjective:Youreaninconsideratesupervisor.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 16

 Moreno Valley College

Objective:Youapprovedtherulewithoutconsultingwithusfirst.

2. Avoidvaguereferencestofrequency.Instead,usetheactualnumbers.

Subjective:Youarealwayslate!

Objective:Youwerelateformeetingsfourtimesinthepastmonth.

3. Clarifytermsthatcanmeandifferentlytodifferentpeople.

Subjective:Youpracticefavoritismwhenyougivepromotions.

Objective:Theemployeerankingsystemisnotbeingfollowedduringpromotions.

4. Dontpresumeanotherpersonsthoughts,feelings,andintentions.

Subjective:Youhateme!

Objective:Youdonottalktomewhenweareinaroomtogether.

5. Dontpresumeanactionyoudidnotseeorhear.

Subjective:Shestolemywallet.

Objective:ThewalletwasinmydeskwhenIleft.ItwasnolongertherewhenIcameback,andshe
wastheonlypersonwhoenteredtheroom.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 17

 Moreno Valley College

Identifying the Problem

Youcantseparatepeoplefromtheproblemifyoudontknowwhattheproblem
is.Agoodwaytomoveforward,inadiscussionwhereangerisescalating,is
throughidentifyingtheproblem.

Identifyingtheproblemfocusesallenergyonthecrisisathandratherthanthe
personsinvolvedinaconflict.Thetwopartiesfocustheirenergiesonacommon
enemythatisoutsideofthemselves,amovethatputsthetwoopposingpartiesbackinneutralground.

Therearemanyprocessesyoucanusetoidentifytheproblem.Hereisoneofthem:

STEPONE:Getasmuchinformationasyoucanwhytheotherpartyisupset.

STEPTWO:Surfacetheotherpersonsposition.Reframethispositionintoaproblemstatement.
Example:Icanhearhowupsetyouare.AmIrightinperceivingthattheproblemforyouisthatyou
werentinformedoftheaccountbeingsold?

STEPTHREE:Reviewyourownposition.Stateyourpositioninaproblemstatementaswell.Example:
TheproblemformeisthatIdonthavetheresourcestocontactyou.Thephonelinesarenotworking
becauseofthestorm.

STEPFOUR:Havingheardbothpositions,definetheprobleminamutuallyacceptableway.Example:I
hearthatyoudliketobeinformedofanysales.Onmypart,Idliketoinformyou,butforaslongasthe
phonelinesaredead,IcantseehowIwoulddoit.Ithinktheissuehereisaboutfindinganalternative
waytogettheinformationtoyouontimewhilethephonesarebeingrepaired.Doyouagree?

Ifthetwopartiesagreetotheproblemstatement,theycannowbothworkatthesurfacedproblemand
takethefocusawayfromtheiremotions.

Using I Messages
AnImessageisamessagethatisfocusedonthespeaker.WhenyouuseI
messages,youtakeresponsibilityforyourownfeelingsinsteadofaccusingthe
otherpersonofmakingyoufeelacertainway.TheoppositeofanImessageisa
Youmessage.

AnImessageiscomposedofthefollowing:

1. Adescriptionoftheproblemorissue.

Describethepersonsbehavioryouarereactingtoinanobjective,nonblameful,andnon
judgmentalmanner.

When...

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 18

 Moreno Valley College

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 19

 Moreno Valley College

2. Itseffectonyouortheorganization.

Describetheconcreteortangibleeffectsofthatbehavior.

Theeffectsare...

3. Asuggestionforalternativebehavior.

Idprefer...

HereisanexampleofanImessage:

WhenIhavetowaitoutsidetheofficeanextrahourbecauseyoudidntinformmethatyoudbe
late(problem/issue),Ibecomeagitated(effect).Ipreferforyoutosendmeamessageifyouwillnot
beabletomakeit(alternativebehavior).

ThemostimportantfeatureofImessagesisthattheyareneutral.Thereisnoefforttothreaten,
argue,orblameinthesestatements.Youavoidmakingtheotherpersondefensive,astheessence
ofanImessageis"Ihaveaproblem"insteadof"Youhaveaproblem".Thespeakersimplymakes
statementsandtakesfullresponsibilityforhis/herfeelings.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 20

 Moreno Valley College

Anyone can become angrythat is easy,

but to be angry with the right person, at
the right time, and for the right purpose
and in the right way that is not within
everyones power and that is not easy.

Aristotle

Module Six: Working on the Problem

Theescalationofangerinhotsituationscanbeeasilyprevented,ifa
systemfordiscussingcontentiousissuesisinplace.Inthismodule,we
willdiscusshowtoworkeffectivelyontheproblem.Specifically,we
willtackleconstructivedisagreement,negotiationtips,buildinga
consensusandidentifyingsolutions.

Using Constructive Disagreement

Thereisnothingwrongwithdisagreement.Notwopeoplearecompletely
similarthereforeitsinevitablethattheywoulddisagreeonatleastoneissue.
Theresalsonothingwronginhavingapositionanddefendingit.

Tomakethemostofadisagreement,youhavetokeepitconstructive.The
followingaresomeoftheelementsofaconstructivedisagreement:

Solutionfocus.Thedisagreementaimstofindaworkablecompromiseattheendofthediscussion.

MutualRespect.Evenifthetwopartiesdonotagreewithoneanother,courtesyisalwaysapriority.

WinWinSolution.Constructivedisagreementisnotgearedtowardsgettingtheoneuponthe
otherperson.Thepremiumisalwaysonfindingasolutionthathasbenefitsforbothparties.

ReasonableConcessions.Moreoftenthannot,awinwinsolutionmeansyouwontgetyourway
completely.Somedegreeofsacrificeisnecessarytomeettheotherpersonhalfway.Inconstructive
disagreement,partiesareopentomakingreasonableconcessionsforthenegotiationtomove
forward.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 21

 Moreno Valley College

LearningFocus.Partiesinconstructivedisagreementseeconflictsasopportunitiestogetfeedback
onhowwellasystemworks,sothatnecessarychangescanbemade.Theyalsoseeitasachallenge
tobeflexibleandcreativeincomingupwithsolutionsforeveryonesgain.

Negotiation Tips
Negotiationsaresometimesanecessarypartofarrivingatasolution.When
twopartiesareinadisagreement,therehastobeaprocessthatwould
surfacesareasofbargaining.Whenapersonisgiventheopportunityto
presenthissideandargueforhisorherinterests,angerislesslikelyto
escalate.

Thefollowingaresometipsonnegotiationduringaconflict:

1. Notesituationalfactorsthatcaninfluencethenegotiationprocess.
Contextisanimportantelementinthenegotiationprocess.Thelocationofthemeeting,the
physicalarrangementofroom,aswellasthetimethemeetingisheldcanpositivelyornegatively
influencetheparticipantsabilitytolistenanddiscern.Forexample,negotiationsheldinanoisy
auditoriumimmediatelyafterastressfuldaycanmakeparticipantsirritableandlesslikelyto
compromise.

2. Prepare!
Beforeenteringanegotiatingtable,makeyourresearch.Stackuponfactstobackupyourposition,
andanticipatetheotherpartysposition.Havingtherightinformationcanmakethenegotiation
processrunfasterandmoreefficiently.

3. Communicateclearlyandeffectively.
Makesurethatyoustateyourneedsandinterestsinawaythatisnotopentomisinterpretation.
Speakinacalmandcontrolledmanner.Presentargumentswithoutpersonalization.Remember,
yourpositioncanonlybeappreciatedifitsperceivedaccurately.

4. Focusontheprocessaswellasthecontent.
Itsimportantthatyoupayattentionnotjusttothewordsyouandtheotherpartyaresaying,but
alsothemannerthediscussionisrunning.Forexample,waseveryoneabletospeaktheirposition
adequately,oristhereanindividualwhodominatestheconversation?Arethereimplicitorexplicit
coercionshappening?Doestheotherpersonsnonverbalbehaviorshowopennessandobjectivity?
Allthesethingsinfluenceresult,andyouwanttomakesurethatyouhavethemostproductive
negotiationprocessthatyoucan.

5. Keepanopenmind.
Lastly,enteranegotiationsituationwithanopenmind.Bewillingtolistenandcarefullyconsider
whattheotherpersonhastosay.Anticipatethepossibilitythatyoumayhavetochangeyourbeliefs
andassumptions.Makeconcessions.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 22

 Moreno Valley College

Building Consensus
Consensusmeansunanimousagreementonanareaofcontention.Arrivingata
consensusistheidealresolutionofbargaining.Ifbothpartiescanfindasolution
thatisagreeabletobothofthem,thenangercanbepreventedorreduced.

Thefollowingaresometipsonhowtoarriveataconsensus:

1. Focusoninterestsratherthanpositions.
Surfacetheunderlyingvaluethatmakespeopletakethepositiontheydo.Forexample,theinterest
behindarequestforasalaryincreasemaybefinancialsecurity.Ifyoucancommunicatetotheother
partythatyouacknowledgethisneed,andwillonlyofferapositionthattakesfinancialsecurityinto
consideration,thenaconsensusismorelikelytohappen.

2. Exploreoptionstogether.
Consensusismorelikelyifbothpartiesareactivelyinvolvedinthesolutionmakingprocess.This
ensuresthatthereisincreasedcommunicationabouteachpartyspositions.Italsoensuresthat
resistancesareaddressed.

3. Increasesameness/reducedifferentiation.
Aconsensusismorelikelyifyoucanemphasizeallthethingsthatyouandtheotherpartyhavein
common,andminimizeallthethingsthatmakeyoudifferent.Anincreasedempathycanmake
findingcommoninterestseasier.Itmayalsoreducepsychologicalbarrierstocompromising.An
exampleofincreasingsameness/reducingdifferencesisanemployerandemployeetemporarily
settingasidetheirpositiondisparityandlookingattheproblemastwostakeholdersinthesame
organization.

Identifying Solutions
Workingonaprobleminvolvestheprocessofcomingupwithpossible
solutions.Thefollowingaresomewaystwopartiesindisagreementcan
identifysolutionstotheirproblem.

Brainstorm.Brainstormingistheprocessofcomingupwithasmany
ideasasyoucanintheshortesttimepossible.Itmakesuseofdiversity
ofpersonalitiesinagroup,sothatonecancomeupwiththewidestrangeoffreshideas.
Quantityofideasismoreimportantthanqualityofideasintheinitialstageofbrainstorming;
youcanfilteroutthebadoneslateronwithanindepthreviewoftheirprosandcons.

Hypothesize.Hypothesizingmeanscomingupwithwhatifscenariosbasedonintelligent
guesses.Asolutioncanbemadefromimaginingalternativesetups,andstudyingthese
alternativesetupsagainstfactsandknowndata.

AdoptaModel.Youmayalsolookforasolutioninthepast.Ifasolutionhasworkedbefore,
perhapsitmayworkagain.Findsimilarproblemsandstudyhowitwashandled.Youdonthave
EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 23

 Moreno Valley College

tofollowamodeltotheletter;youarealwaysfreetotweakittofitthenuancesofthecurrent
problem.

InventOptions.Iftherehasbeennoprecedenceforaproblem,itstimetoexerciseones
creativityandthinkofnewoptions.Awaytogoaboutthisistolistdowneachpartysinterests
andcomeupproposedsolutionsthathavebenefitsforeachparty.

Survey.Ifthetwopartiescantcomeupwithasolutionbetweenthetwoofthem,maybeits
timetoseekotherpeoplespointofview.Surveypeoplewithinterestorbackgroundinthe
issueincontention.Findanexpertispossible.Justrememberthough,attheendofthedaythe
decisionisstillyours.Identifyasolutionbasedonfacts,notonsomeonesopinion.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 24

 Moreno Valley College

Anger is not bad. Anger can be a very

positive thing, the thing that moves us
beyond the acceptance of evil.

Joan Chittister

Module Seven: Solving the Problem

Afteraconstructivediscussionoftheproblem,aswellasreviewof
availableoptions,itsnowtimetogoaboutsolvingtheproblem.
Solvingaproblemlessensitsthreataspect,makinglessananger
trigger.Inthismodule,wewilldiscusselementsofsolvingthe
problem.Particularly,wewoulddiscusschoosingasolution,
makingaplan,andgettingitdone.

Choosing a Solution
Youvealreadyidentifiedpossiblesolutionstoaproblem.Thenextthingtodois
howtonarrowthelistdowntothebest.

Thefollowingaresomecriteriayoucanusewhenchoosingsolutions.

Costsandbenefits.Anidealsolutionisonethathastheleastcostsandmost
benefits.

Disagreeingpartiesinterests.Anidealsolutionhasfactoredintheimpactonallpartiesconcerned
andhasmadeadjustmentsaccordingly.

Foresight.Anidealsolutiondoesnthavejustshorttermgainsbitlongtermonesaswell.

Obstacles.Anidealsolutionhasanticipatedallpossibleobstaclesinitsimplementationandhasmade
plansaccordingly.

VALUES.Anidealsolutionisonethatisconsistentwiththemissionvisionoftheorganizationand/orits
individualmembers.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 25

 Moreno Valley College

Making a Plan
Youvealreadypickedasolutionforyourproblem.Nowitstimetocreatea
planforitsimplementation.

Thefollowingaresomeguidelineswhenmakingaplan.

1. Keepyourgoal(s)centraltoyouplan.
Everysolutionhasagoal.Thegoalisthespecificandmeasurablechangethatyouwanttoachieve
byimplementingyoursolution.Whenyoumakeplan,makesurethatallthestepsandprocesses
yououtlinearemovingtowardsthisgoal.

2. Breakdownyouractionplanintoconcretesteps.
Agoodplanisconcreteinsteadofabstract,specificinsteadofgeneric.Thinkofthedifferentsteps
thatyouneedtodoinordertogettoyourultimategoalandplanalongthosemilestones.Notethe
deliverablepermilestone.Indicatethetimelineforeachmilestone.Identifythepeopleresponsible
foreachtask.

3. Notealltheresourcesyouwouldneed.
Therearetwokindsofresources:humanandmaterial.Makealistofallhumanandmaterial
resourcesthatyouneedtoexecutetheaction,andmakesurethattheyareallavailable.Iftheyare
notavailable,addanextraactionplantoprocurethem.Youwanttomakesurethatyourplanis
realisticgivenyourresources.

4. Planhowthesolutionwouldbeevaluated.
Agoodplandoesntjustincludethestepstoexecutetheprogram.Itshouldalsoinclude
mechanismsformonitoringprogressandevaluatingresults.Anevaluationplanensuresthatneeds
forplanrevisioncanbesurfaced.

Getting it Done
Anissueincontentionwillremainahotissueunlesstheplanisimplemented.Itis
onlywhenconcretechangecanbeobservedthatangercanbeseriouslyaddressed.

Thefollowingaresometipsinimplementingasolution.

1. Sticktoyourplan.
Notethewhat,where,whenand,whoofyourplanandfollowittotheletter.
Thiswillkeepyourendofthebargainexplicitandeasytomonitorandevaluate.Deviatingfromthe
plancanresulttoadditionalanger,especiallyifyoudeviatedinareasimportanttotheotherparty.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 26

 Moreno Valley College

2. Monitorprogressandresults.
Keeptrackofwhetherornotyoursolutionisaccomplishingthegoal.Makesurethatyouput
everythingonpaperforreadyreferencelater.Logdownbestpractices,risksandobstacles
encountered.

3. Rewardandreviseaccordingly.
Ifthesolutionisworking,noteprogressandaffirmthesuccess.Thisgivesthetwopartiesasenseof
accomplishment.Moreso,thenexttimetheyhaveaconflict,itcanserveastestamenttotheir
abilitytosolveaproblem.

Ifthesolutionisnotworking,gatherfeedback.Surfacethereasonwhythesolutiondoesnotseem
tobeworking.Makethenecessarychangessothatyoucanrevisetheplanasneeded.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 27

 Moreno Valley College

Everyone has a hot button. Who is pushing

yours? While you probably cannot control
that person, you CAN control the way you
react to them.

Anonymous

Module Eight: A Personal Plan

Angerisdeeplypersonal.Effectiveangermanagementshouldtake
intoconsiderationindividualangerdynamicsandtailorfit
interventionstothem.Inthismodulewewilldiscusswhathot
buttonsare,howtoidentifyyourpersonalhotbuttons,andhow
youcanbebenefittedbykeepingapersonalangerlog.

Understanding Hot Buttons

Hotbuttonsaretriggersthatmakeusreactwithanger.Theyarenotnecessarilythe
realcauseofouranger,buttheycanbetheonethatlightsthefuse.Triggersvary
intheintensityoftheangerreactiontheycanevoke;somecanevoke
uncontrollableragewhileothersmerelymildirritation.

Hotbuttonscanbethingsthatfallshortofyourexpectations,blockyourgoals,
attackyourselfesteem,violateyourvalues,and/orgiveyouafeelingoflossorhelplessness.Ahot
buttonisusuallyonethatelicitsanintensereactioninaperson,ortheonethatfrequentlysparksanger.

Thesehotbuttonscanbe:

a. somethingweobserve(e.g.injusticeshappeningtootherpeople)

b. somethingwethink(e.g.thethinkingthatwearealwaysthetargetofaparticularpersons
mockery)

c. somethingwefeel(e.g.thefeelingofbeinghelpless)

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 28

 Moreno Valley College

d. somethingwedo(e.g.rescuingsomeoneinajameveniftheydontdeserveourhelp)

e. anycombinationofthefour

Identifying Your Hot Buttons

Hotbuttonsdifferfrompersontoperson.Ourpersonalhistoriesinfluencewhat
wouldmakeusangry.Sometriggersarecausedbyconditioning,modeling,and
unresolvedissues.

Akeytoseeingifahotbuttonistherealcauseoftheanger,orjustatrigger,istoseeifyouranger
reactionisproportionatetowhatthesituationcallsfor.Ifyoureangrierthanyoushouldbe,perhaps
thereisanunderlyingemotionalissuethatneedstobesurfaced.

Awarenessofyourhotbuttonsisalreadywinninghalfthebattleagainstanger.Ifyouknowwhatcan
evokeyouranger,youcanwatchoutforthem.

A Personal Anger Log

Moreoftenthannot,angerreactionsappearinpatterns.Thismeansthatthere
isapredictablestructurethattheangerreactionsfollow.Thispatternisunique
toeachindividual.

Unfortunately,itisdifficulttonoticethispatternunlessyoutakethatthirdpersonpointofviewand
studyyourangerreactionsfromadistance.

Hereiswherekeepingapersonalangerlogwouldhelp.Apersonalangerlogisadiaryofangerreactions
includingsymptoms,triggersandcopingstyles.Itisawayofincreasingawarenessofangerpatterns
uniquetotheindividual.Withawareness,onecanbetteridentifywaystopreventandcopewithanger
whenitcomes.

Keepingapersonalangerlogisalsoagoodwaytoblowoffsteam.Youmaytreatisasadiary.Insteadof
astructuredtable,astheonethatwillbepresentedlater,youcanmakeanunstructuredonetonote
yourfreefloatingideasandfeelings.

Hereisasampletemplateforapersonalangerlog:

MYPERSONALANGERLOGFORWEEK1

Date/ Symptoms Beforetheanger,thesearewhatIwas My Effectof

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 29

 Moreno Valley College

Time seeing thinking feeling doing Response myAnger

tothe Response
Anger

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Insights

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 30

 Moreno Valley College

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we

shape ourselves. The process never ends
until we die. And the choices we make are
ultimately our own responsibility.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Module Nine: The Triple A Approach

Angerisexacerbatedbyafeelingofvictimizationandhelplessness.It
helpstoknowthenthatwealwayshaveatleastthreeoptionswhen
dealingwithanangerprovokingsituation:youcanalter,avoidor
accept.

Alter
Youarenotavictimofyoursituation;youalwayshavetheoptionoftakinga
deliberateandwellthoughtoutresponsetoanangerprovokingsituation.Your
optionstypicallyfallintothreecategories:alter,avoid,oraccept.

Altermeansthatyouinitiatechange.Youcanchangethingsinyourenvironment
thatarewithinyourcontrol.Youcanalsoinitiatechangeswithinyourself.

Thefollowingarewaysthatyoucanchangetodealwithangermoreeffectively.

1. Changenonproductivehabits.
Ifyouknowthatyouhaveaparticularwayofdoingthingsthatoftenresultintoanangersituation,
perhapsitstimetobreakthepattern.Forexample,ifyouknowthatmediatingafamilyquarrel
whileyourmindistiredfromworkoftenleadstoblowups,thenreschedulefamilymeetingsto
timeswhenyouremorerelaxed.

2. Respectfullyaskotherstochangetheirbehaviorandbewillingtodothesame.
Youcantcontrolotherpeoplesthoughts,feelings,andbehavior.Youcan,however,letthemknow
thatyoudappreciateachange.Waitingforlightningtostrikepeoplewithhabitsthatirritateyou
willnevergetyouanywhere,perhapsproactivecommunicationcan.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 31

 Moreno Valley College

3. Changethewayyouviewasituation.
Sometimes,itsourinterpretationofasituationthatmakesusangry,ratherthanthesituationitself.
Whatyoucandoischangeyourwayofthinking.Forexample,irrationalthoughtslikeIhavetobe
perfectatalltimesusuallyresultinangerdirectedatonesselfwhenfailureshappen.Maybeifyou
startthinkingItsalrighttofailnowandthen,thingswouldgeteasier.

4. Changethewayyoureacttoasituation.
Youcanalsodeliberatelychangethewayyourespond.Angerusuallybegetsanger;weraiseour
voicewhensomeoneraisestheirvoicetous.Butifyoutakeamomentandfindotherwaysto
respond,thenmaybeyoucanmanageyourangerbetter.

Avoid
Avoidmeanssteeringclearofsituationsthatcanmakeyouangry.

Thefollowingareavoidwaysthatyoucandotodealwithangermore
effectively.

1. Steerclearofpeoplewhomakeyouupset.
Angerisoftentriggeredbyinteractionswithdifficultpeople,orpeoplewhojustrubyouthewrong
way.Ifyouknowthatapersoniselicitinganintenseangerreactioninyou,andyoufeelthatyou
cantcontrolit,thenperhapsitsbestthatyoujusttakeactiontoavoidthisindividual.

2. Steerclearofyourhotbuttons.
Oneoftheadvantagesofknowingyourhotbuttonsisthatitenablesyoutostructureyourdayin
suchawaythatavoidsthem.Forexample,iftoomanydeadlinesmakeyouangryandstressed,then
learntimemanagementordonttakemoreprojectsthanyoucanhandle.Sayingnoisagood
avoidresponse.

3. Removeyourselffromastressfulsituationimmediately.
Anotheravoidinterventionsisimmediatelytakingyourselfawayfromasituationthatmightescalate
youranger.Forexample,ifapeerprovokesyouranger,youdonthavetostayaroundtolistento
whathehastostay.Youcanopttowalkawayandaddresstheissueanotherday.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 32

 Moreno Valley College

Accept
Unfortunately,therearesomethingsthatwecannotchangenoravoid.Inthis
case,wehavetoacceptthem.Thisistrueinmanythingsthatinvolve
unrecoverablelosses,likeanaccidentorfinancialcollapse.

Thefollowingareexamplesofacceptresponsestodealingwithanger:

1. Findlearning.
Whenyouhavenochoicebuttoacceptasituation,makethemostofitbydistillingthelessonsfrom
theexperience.Thiswayyoucanrecovercontrolbymakingproactivechangestopreventthe
situationfromhappeningagain.

2. Seekhigherpurpose.
Findingmeaningcanhelpinmanaginganger.Interpretingasituationbasedononesfaithlife,or
personalphilosophy,canlessenitsthreateningimpactontheself.Forinstance,therearepeople
whothinkthateverynegativeexperienceisanopportunity,acallforchange.

3. Venttoafriend.
Ifyoucantdoanythingbutacceptasituation,attheveryleastfindsomeonetoshareyour
experiencewith.Ventingwithatrustedfriendoramentalhealthprofessionalcanhelpyou
integratetheexperiencebetterinyourlife.Thiscanhelpyoumoveonfasterandmoreeffectively.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 33

 Moreno Valley College

He who angers you, conquers you.

Elizabeth Kenny

Module Ten: Dealing with Angry People

Itisnotjustourownangerthatcangetoverwhelming.Anotherpersons
blowupcanalsotriggerintensereactionsinus,includingshock,fear,and
evenreactiverage.Inthismodulewewilldiscusshowwecaneffective
dealwithangrypeople.SpecificallywewilltalkabouttheEnergyCurve,
deescalationtechniques,andguidelinesonwhentobackawayandwhat
todo.

Understanding the Energy Curve

Oneofthetrickythingsabouthandlinganotherpersonsangerisreactinginaway
thatwillnotescalatetheanger.ThisiswhereanunderstandingoftheEnergy
Curvecanhelp.

TheEnergyCurveshowsthepatterncommonlyfoundinangryreactions.Itshows
howangryreactionsprogressinstages,andineachstagethereareappropriate
responses.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 34

 Moreno Valley College

BelowisanillustrationoftheEnergyCurve:

SlowDown

OfferSupportive
MessagesatthisPoint!

CoolDown
TakeOff

RATIONALBEHAVIOR
ProblemSolvingisPossible.

THEENERGYCURVE

HerearesomekeypointstonoteabouttheEnergyCurve:

1. RATIONALBEHAVIOR.Thebaselineofthecurveisrationalbehavior.Thisisthestagewhena
reasonablediscussionaboutthecauseoftheangercanhappen.Beforeanangryreaction,aperson
issaidtobeinthatrationalframeofmind.However,oncetheangryreactiontakesroot,peoplego
intoastateofmindnotconducivetoreasoning.Itisimportantthentogetthepersonbacktoa
rationalframeofmind.

IMPLICATION:Youcannotreasonwithapersonduringthesetimes:whentheirangeristakingoff,at
theheightoftheiranger/rageandevenatthepointwhentheyarecoolingdown!Youlljustwaste
aperfectlygoodargument.

2. TAKEOFF.Angryreactionslowlybuildsmomentum,andthepointwhentheangerisgainingenergy
iscalledthetakeoffstage.Thewayangerbuildsinintensitydiffersfrompersontoperson.For
example,somepeoplestartwithhostilefacialreactions,whichprogressestoshouting,andwhich
progressestohittingthetable.Otherpeoplebuildupangerinlessobviousways,theystartwith
keepingquietandthenprogressestophysicallywithdrawingthemselvesfromotherpeople.The
angerwouldcontinuetobuildenergyuntilitreachesitspeak.

IMPLICATION:Angernaturallybuildsenergyduringthetakeoffphase.Arguingbackatthispointin
fact,anyconversationwouldjustbefutile.Dontreact!Respond.

3. SLOWDOWN.Inthisstageisthemostintenseofthepersonsreaction.Itisaturningpoint;the
reactionstopsgainingmomentumandbeginsasteadydecline.
EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 35

 Moreno Valley College

4. COOLDOWN.Oncetheangryreactionhasreacheditsheight,itwillstarttosubside.Youcantellby
observingthepersonsbehavioroftentheirvoicesgodowntoaleveltone,theyarenotmoving
theirhandsasmuchandtheyseemtobreatheeasier.Unlessprovokedfurther,thepersonwillrun
outofsteam.However,ifyoustartarguingtothepersonoragitatingthepersonevenduringthis
stage,thereactioncantakeoffonceagain.

IMPLICATION:Onlywhentheangryreactionhassloweddowncanyouintroducesupportive
behavior.Supportivebehaviorcanbeanystatementthatacknowledgestheanger,example:Ican
seethatthisisanupsettingexperienceforyou.

5. BACKTORATIONALBEHAVIOR.Oncetheindividualhasreturnedtothisstage,youcanbeginto
starttalkingabouttheproblemreasonably.Youmayevenstartproblemsolvingatthispoint.

SUMMARY:Whenapersonisangry,justletthemvent!Itsthefastestwaytodealwiththe
situation.

Deescalation Techniques
Deescalationtechniquesareskilledinterventionsdesignedtofacilitatea
personscoolingdownprocess,reducethepossibilityofgettingverballyor
physicallyhurt,andgaincontrolofthesituation.

Thefollowingareexamplesofdeescalationtechniques:

Practiceactivelistening.

Mostofthetime,allanangrypersonneedsisanopportunitytotellsomeonehowtheyfeel,andhave
theirangeracknowledged.Seeingthatyouaregenuinelylisteningtotheirgrievancecanhelplessenthe
intensityoftheirangryreaction.

Thefollowingaresomehelpfulcomponentsofactivelistening:

a.Shownonverballythatyouarelistening.
Makesurethatyourpostureshowsopenness.Establisheyecontact.Speakinasoft,well
modulated,nonthreateningtoneofvoice.

b.Reflect.
Restatewhatyouhearfromtheperson.Example:ThisiswhatIheardfromyou:Youaremad
becausethepackagedidnotarriveontime.

Youcanalsomirrorbacktheirbodylanguageinatentativebutobjective,nonjudgmental
fashion.Example:Icanseethatyourereallyupset.Youareclaspingthedeskverytightly.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 36

 Moreno Valley College

c.Clarify.
Helpthepersonmakesenseoftheirgarbled,confusing,andorillogicalstatements.Couldyou
helpmeexplaintomeabitmoreaboutwhathappenedinthecafeteria?Whatdoyoumeanby
hebulliedyou?

1. Increasepersonalspace.
Angercanescalateifapersonfeelsthatheisbeingstifled.Makesureyourbodylanguageisnon
threatening.Createdistancebetweenyouandtheperson.

Helpthepersonrecoverasenseofcontrol.

Angrypeoplemayfeelvictimizedbyasituation,andmayneedtorecoverevenasmallsenseof
control.Youcanhelpdothisby:

a.Givingthemchoices.

Example:Wouldyouliketomovetoadifferentareaandtalk?

b.Seekingtheirpermissiontospeak.

Example:MayItellwhatIthinkaboutwhatjusthappened?

c.Focusingonimmediatesolutions.

Example:Whatdoyouthinkwecandotodaytohelpsolvethisissue?

Orientthemtoimmediacy.

Peopletemporarilylosestrackoftheirimmediatesurroundingsattheheightofgetting
overwhelmed.Orientingthepersontothetime,hislocation,andwhoheiswithcanhelpde
escalateaperson.Ithelpsapersonfeellessthreatenedifheknowswhereheisandhowhegot
there.Thegoalalsoistoshifthimfromattendingtohisoverwhelmingfeelingstorecovering
rationality.

Invitecriticism

Asktheangrypersontovoicehisorhercriticismofyourselforthesituationmorefully.Youmight
saysomethinglike,"Goahead.Tellmeeverythingthathasyouupset.Don'tholdanythingback.I
wanttohearallyouhavetosay."

Agreeifpossible.Ifnot,agreetodisagree.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 37

 Moreno Valley College

Therearecaseswhenangeristriggeredbyalegitimategrievance.Inthesecases,itcanhelpa
personlosesteambyhearingsomeonevalidatethepresenceofinjustice.Attheveryleast,agreeing
thatapersonhasarighttotheopiniontheyhavecanhelpdeescalateanger.

Reiterateyoursupport.

Emphasizeyourwillingnesstohelp.Example:Okay.Idontknowhowthisthingcouldhave
happened,butyouhavemyassurancethatIllstaywithyouuntilwefigureitout.

Setlimits.

Tellthepersonthatyouarewillingtolisten,butyoudappreciatethatthetonesdownthe
expressionofhisanger.

Exampleis:Imlisteningrightnow.Idliketotalk,butwithouttheshouting.Whenyoushoutitis
distracting,andifthisissueisimportanttoyou,thenIwanttobeabletoconcentratewithout
hearingyouraiseyourvoice.Canwestartagain?HowdidIupsetyou?

When to Back Away and What to Do Next

Notallangryreactionscanbeeffectivelydealtwith.Herearesituationswhenit
ismoreadvisabletobackaway:

1. Whenyouaretooaffectedbyanissuetoviewitobjectively.
Deescalatingangerrequiresthatyoucantakeyourselfoutofanissue,eventemporarily,andlook
atitobjectively.However,iftheissuehaspersonalmeaningforus,orwearetootiredtoproperly
intervene,thenwedonthavetheresourcestodeescalatetheanger.

WHATTODO:Withdrawfromthesituationandtalktosomeoneyoutrustaboutyourownfeelings.

2. Whentherearewarningsignsforverbaland/orphysicalviolence.
Yourpriorityisalwaysyourwellbeingandsafety.

Warningsignsforviolenceincludeahistoryofviolentbehavior,severerageforseeminglyminor
reasons,possessionofweaponsandthreatsofviolence.

WHATTODO:Getasfarawayfromthepersonasyoucan!Gotoapublicplace.

3. Whenthereisinfluenceofmoodalteringsubstances.
Nodeescalatingtechniquecanhelpyoudealwithapersonwhohastakenalcoholandmood
alteringdrugs(bothlegale.g.someantidepressants,andillegale.g.hallucinogens).

WHATTODO:Disengagefromtheconversationandtalktothemwhentheyresober!
EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 38

 Moreno Valley College

4. Whennoamountofrationalinterventionseemstowork.
Therearemomentswhenapersonishellbentonraging,andtheangerwillescalateregardlessof
whatinterventionyouuse.Itispossiblethatthestrengthoftheangerissignificantlymorethanthe
personsresourcestocope.Thisissignaledbyatendencyfortheangertostilltakeoffevenafter
slowingdownandcoolingdown,despitetheabsenceofprovocation.

WHATTODO:Disengagefromtheconversationandreschedulethetalkforanothertime.

5. Whentherearesignsofseriousmentalhealthconditions.
WhiletherearenocategoriesofangerdisordersintheDiagnosticManualofMentalDisordersIV
(thereferenceofmostmentalhealthprofessionals),someseriousmentalhealthconditionsare
relatedtoanger.Inthesecases,intensivetherapyand/orpsychiatricmedicationsmaybemost
appropriate.Asarule,peoplewhosufferimpairmentofrealitytestingcannotbeexpectedtobe
rationalorreasonable.

Signstowatchoutfor:persecutoryorparanoiddelusions,hallucinations,pasthistoryofviolence
basedondelusions.

Chronicandrigidpatternsoftheuseofangerascopingmechanismmaypointtoapersonality
disorder.

WHATTODO:Compassionateunderstandingiskey!However,disengageyourselfimmediatelyas
somepsychoticsymptomsarecorrelatedwithatendencytowardsviolence.Refertothe
appropriatementalhealthprofessional.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 39

 Moreno Valley College

If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do

not feed the habit. Give it nothing which
may tend to its increase.

Epictetus

Module Eleven: Pulling It All Together

Wevenowcometotheconclusionofourworkshop.Sofar,
wevepresentedtoyoudifferenttechniquesthatcanhelpyou
manageyourangerbetter.Inthismodule,wewillshowhow
thesedifferenttechniquescometogether.Wewillalsogive
additionaltipstohelpyouinpracticingtheseanger
managementtechniquesmoreeffectively.

Process Overview
Thefollowingdiagramisasummaryofalltheangermanagementtechniques
discussedinthisworkshop.Thetechniquescanbesummarizedintofourmain
steps:beinformed,beselfaware,takecontrol,andtakeaction.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 40

 Moreno Valley College

BEINFORMED BESELFAWARE TAKECONTROL TAKEACTION

Know Study *usecoping *Alter,Accept,Avoid

thoughts
*theangercycle *yourwarningsigns *Identifytheproblem
*tryrelaxation
*thefightandflight *yourhotbuttons *Disagreeconstructively
techniques
response
*yourhelpfulwaysof *Negotiate
*blowoffsteam
*dosanddontsof dealingwithanger
angermanagement *Findasolution,Builda
*yourunhelpfulways consensus
ofdealingwithanger
*Makeaplan,Getit
*personalanger done
dynamics
*Deescalatetheother
personsanger

*Backawaywhen
needed

Putting It into Action

Thefollowingaretipsinputtingangermanagementtechniquesintoaction:

1. Findyourmotivation
Aswithanyplantowardsbehavioralchange,ithelpstosustainyour
motivation.Habitsarehardtobreakandunlessthereissomethingstrong
thatcaninspireyoutochange,youreffortsmaynotgetfollowedthrough.So
findyourmotivation!Youcanrememberanegativeeffectofangerinyour
life,suchashealthproblemsorpoorqualityofrelationships,anduseittoencourage.Youmayalso
picturehowthingscouldbedifferentifyoucanmanageyourangerbetter.

2. Chooseonlyonechangeatatime.
Dontexpectchangetohappenovernight.Afterall,thesemaybelifetimehabitsthatyouaretrying
tochange.Instead,sticktomanagingoneissueatatime.Developgoalsthatarerealistic,otherwise
youmightjustendupfrustratingyourself.

3. Rewardyourselfforyoursuccesses.
Ifyouvesuccessfullymanagedtochange,affirmyourself!Anysuccess,nomatterhowsmall,shows
thatyouarecapable.

4. Chooseanaccountabilitypartner.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 41

 Moreno Valley College

Ithelpstonotkeepyourgoalstoyourself.Instead,selectatrustedfriendwhoknowswhatyouare
tryingtoaccomplish.Thisfriendcanencourageyouwhenyouneedadditionalmotivation,canspur
youtoactionwhenyourelagging,andcancheckifyouareworkingatthepaceyoupromisedyou
would.

5. Seekamentalhealthprofessional.
Ifyourereallystrugglingwithangerproblems,oryoujustneedadditionalsupport,remember:you
canalwaysseekamentalhealthprofessional.Counselors,therapists,andpsychiatristarealltrained
toaddressangeranditsimpactonyourlife.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 42

 Moreno Valley College

This feeling, finally, that we may change

things this is at the centre of everything we
are. Lose that... lose everything.

Sir David Hare

Module Twelve: Wrapping Up

Althoughthisworkshopiscomingtoaclose,wehopethatyour
journeytoimproveyourangermanagementskillsisjustbeginning.
Pleasetakeamomenttoreviewandupdateyouractionplan.This
willbeakeytooltoguideyourprogressinthedays,weeks,months,
andyearstocome.Wewishyouthebestofluckontherestofyour
travels!

Words from the Wise

YogiBerra:Intheorythereisnodifferencebetweentheoryandpractice.In
practicethereis.

DwightEisenhower:Plansarenothing;planningiseverything.

JonasSalk:Therewardforworkwelldoneistheopportunitytodomore.

EmploymentPlacement|AssertivenessandSelfConfidence 43