Professional Documents
Culture Documents
A) Final draft
Kimberly Kien
Ms. Jizi
It signified my transition into adulthood. My senior year in high school was the worse
year in my life and there were a lot of childish things that happened that didnt need to be.
Graduation marked the moment that my life would forever change as a young woman. I was able
to mark off a milestone, go to college soon, and start working almost full time for the period
Im sure that every high schooler who have graduated has had experienced something
hurtful during their high school years, whether that was a break up or losing friends. My senior
year of high school was so depressing that no words could describe the hurt I went through. In
the beginning of the school year, never would I have thought that my best friend of six years
would leave me out of nowhere and would want nothing to do with me. I had slowly noticed
months prior, that she wouldnt respond much back to me and she seemed more distant. She
didnt tell me as much about her life anymore and I can tell she was hiding something from me.
Then one day she just told me to leave her alone. Confused, I tried countless times to get out of
her the reason why she didnt want to be my friend anymore. She said that people change and
things change over time. That wasnt clear and exact enough for me but it seemed that she
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wanted nothing else to do with me so I decided to leave her alone. To this day I still dont know
what her reason was for leaving our friendship. I didnt know who else I could go to because I
The next thing that had happened in high school was that my other close friend and group
started out on a Saturday morning and we had a community service event. We were done and I
had carpooled a guy friend to the event so I was going to drop him off back home. My other two
girlfriends which includes my best friend needed rides too so I happily agreed to take them back.
My best friend always speaks her mind and at times she uses her emotions instead of her head to
talk. I was in an on and off relationship with my boyfriend at the time for four years and we had
just gotten back together. Shes always criticized me about him and talking down on my
relationship constantly. Ive always just held my feelings within myself. She was in a
relationship too at the time and hers wasnt perfect either if she has to constantly know where her
boyfriend goes and what hes doing. As I was giving her and my other friends a ride home, she
had to criticize my relationship again and I had enough of it so I slightly yelled back at her that
her relationship wasnt perfect either. I got home and decided to send her a text to clarify how I
was feeling that I didnt appreciate what she said about my relationship. I never got a text back
so I knew she was mad and at some point when we get back to school, I was going to notice her
attitude towards me. It was Monday and we were in class and I was sitting in the front while she
and our group of friends sat behind me. I heard her complaining about something to her friends
in a really mad tone and I heard mostly mumbles but I knew she was talking about me so I turned
around and immediately it happened. She yelled at me in front of the whole class and threatened
to hurt me. I sat there not feeling a bit sad at first because I didnt do anything wrong, but as I
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looked around the room, I saw that everyone was looking at me and I teared up and went to the
bathroom crying. My so called best friend came in the check on me later and explained why
she was mad and it was because my guy friend in the car with us that day decided to tell her that
I was talking behind her back and said I was talking about the same stuff I said to her directly.
She misunderstood and thought I said other things that she didnt already knew. It wasnt until
the next day that I found out one girl in my group of friends recorded part of it where I was
getting yelled at and uploaded it online. My group of friends saw it and the whole senior class
talked about me behind my back all day that day and said bad things about me. I had no friends
left.
Shortly after that incident about a week later or two, my mom was having her usual
dizziness but it was severe that night so we went to the hospital. I thought everything would be
fine because this has happened before, but when the doctor came she noticed her heart rate was
dropping and as I saw it dropping on the monitor, the doctor rushed out to call all the nurses and
to bring the defibrillator in case her heart had stopped. I looked immediately at my mom at that
point and saw her become calm all of a sudden and drifting out of consciousness. My dad was at
her side and I was at the end of the bed. My dad didnt realize what was going on so I told my
mom to stay awake and thats when my dad registered what was happening. He broke down and
I should have been upset too, but I felt numb with feeling as I had my first experience of being in
shock, and all I could see were the nurses rushing around me in slow motion as if I was in a
movie, trying to get her to be conscious. I didnt know what to feel, it was if I was frozen. She
turned out okay and the team was able to save her but to this day, no one in my family wants to
These events had all happen within a few weeks of each other. I was upset mainly
because at the time I felt like I needed validation from my peers and others to be a great person.
Graduation was the point that I changed to become the bigger person and live life to the fullest
by living for myself. I didnt have anyone to talk to and I didnt mind because I was working all
day. I realized how much college would cost and tried to pay for it myself as much as possible so
I dont burden my parents with any extra bills. That plan worked because Ive saved enough
money to pay for at least two years of college myself without any of my parents money.
Looking back at the person I am now compared to the person I was a year ago, I would say I
have grown up a lot and am very content and happy with being the young woman I am today.
Instead of reacting or acting on emotion, I stop myself and calm myself first by watching
YouTube and then am able to make a rational decision when I am calmer. I realized I just need
myself to make me happy and that self-love is important to being who I am. Even though those
events have hurt me very much in the past, I wouldnt be where I am today if it werent for what
had happened.
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B) Drafts of essay
First draft
Kimberly Kien
Ms. Jizi
Graduation marked the moment that my life would forever change as a young woman. I
was able to mark off a milestone, go to college soon, and start working almost full time for the
My senior year of high school was so depressing that no words could describe the hurt I
went through. In the beginning of the school year, never would I have thought that my best friend
of six years would leave me out of nowhere and would want nothing to do with me. To this day I
still dont know what her reason was for leaving our friendship. I didnt know who else I could
The next thing that had happened in high school was that my other close friend and group
of friends turned on me and embarrassed me in school. She yelled at me in front of the whole
class and threatened to hurt me. It wasnt until the next day that I found out one girl in my group
of friends recorded part of it where I was getting yelled and uploaded it online. My group of
friends saw it and talked about me behind my back all day that day and said bad things about me.
Shortly after, my mom was having her usual dizziness but it was severe that night so we
went to the hospital. I thought everything would be fine because this has happened before, but
when the doctor came she noticed her heart rate was dropping and as I saw it dropping on the
monitor, the doctor rushed out to call all the nurses and to bring the defibrillator in case her heart
had stopped. I looked immediately at my mom at that point and saw her become calm all of a
sudden and drifting out of consciousness. My dad was at her side and I was at the end of the bed.
My dad didnt realize what was going on so I told my mom to stay awake and thats when my
dad registered what was happening. He broke down and I should have been upset too, but I felt
nothing as I had my first experience of being in shock, and all I could see were the nurses
These events had all happen within a few weeks of each other. I was upset mainly
because at the time I felt like I needed validation from my peers and others to be a great person.
Graduation was the point that I changed to become the bigger person and live life to the fullest
by living for myself. I didnt have anyone to talk to and I didnt mind because I was working all
day. I realized how much college would cost and tried to pay for it myself as much as possible so
I dont burden my parents with any extra bills. That plan worked because Ive saved enough
money to pay for at least two years of college myself without any of my parents money.
Looking back at the person I am now compared to the person I was a year ago, I would
say I have grown up a lot and am very content and happy with being the young woman I am
today. I realized I just need myself to make me happy and that self-love is important to being
who I am. Even though those events have hurt me very much in the past, I wouldnt be where I
Second Draft
Kimberly Kien
Ms. Jizi
It signified my transition into adulthood. Graduation marked the moment that my life
would forever change as a young woman. I was able to mark off a milestone, go to college soon,
and start working almost full time for the period before college. Most importantly, I was able to
grow up.
Im sure that every high schooler who have graduated has had experienced something
hurtful during their high school years, whether that was a break up or losing friends. My senior
year of high school was so depressing that no words could describe the hurt I went through. In
the beginning of the school year, never would I have thought that my best friend of six years
would leave me out of nowhere and would want nothing to do with me. I had slowly noticed
months prior, that she wouldnt respond much back to me and she seemed more distant. She
didnt tell me as much about her life anymore and I can tell she was hiding something from me.
Then one day she just told me to leave her alone. Confused, I tried countless times to get out of
her the reason why she didnt want to be my friend anymore. She said that people change and
things change over time. That wasnt clear and exact enough for me but it seemed that she
wanted nothing else to do with me so I decided to leave her alone. To this day I still dont know
what her reason was for leaving our friendship. I didnt know who else I could go to because I
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told her everything. The next thing that had happened in high school was that my other close
friend and group of friends turned on me and embarrassed me in school. All because of a
misunderstanding. She yelled at me in front of the whole class and threatened to hurt me. It
wasnt until the next day that I found out one girl in my group of friends recorded part of it
where I was getting yelled at and uploaded it online. My group of friends saw it and the whole
senior class talked about me behind my back all day that day and said bad things about me. I had
no friends left. Shortly after that incident about a week later or two, my mom was having her
usual dizziness but it was severe that night so we went to the hospital. I thought everything
would be fine because this has happened before, but when the doctor came she noticed her heart
rate was dropping and as I saw it dropping on the monitor, the doctor rushed out to call all the
nurses and to bring the defibrillator in case her heart had stopped. I looked immediately at my
mom at that point and saw her become calm all of a sudden and drifting out of consciousness.
My dad was at her side and I was at the end of the bed. My dad didnt realize what was going on
so I told my mom to stay awake and thats when my dad registered what was happening. He
broke down and I should have been upset too, but I felt numb with feeling as I had my first
experience of being in shock, and all I could see were the nurses rushing around me in slow
motion as if I was in a movie, trying to get her to be conscious. I didnt know what to feel, it was
if I was frozen. She turned out okay and the team was able to save her but to this day, no one in
These events had all happen within a few weeks of each other. I was upset mainly
because at the time I felt like I needed validation from my peers and others to be a great person.
Graduation was the point that I changed to become the bigger person and live life to the fullest
by living for myself. I didnt have anyone to talk to and I didnt mind because I was working all
Kien 9
day. I realized how much college would cost and tried to pay for it myself as much as possible so
I dont burden my parents with any extra bills. That plan worked because Ive saved enough
money to pay for at least two years of college myself without any of my parents money.
Looking back at the person I am now compared to the person I was a year ago, I would say I
have grown up a lot and am very content and happy with being the young woman I am today.
Instead of reacting or acting on emotion, I stop myself and calm myself first by watching
YouTube and then am able to make a rational decision when I am calmer. I realized I just need
myself to make me happy and that self-love is important to being who I am. Even though those
events have hurt me very much in the past, I wouldnt be where I am today if it werent for what
had happened.
You are making yourself clear however you could separate the different events by paragraphs. For
instance from the part where you were embarrassed in school to the part where your mom got sick you
You could use more evidence in the part where you were yelled at and maybe explain the reaction of the
other people around you and where you were in order to paint a better picture for the reader
I do think there is an ending. You could explain more how it has affected you at the end and how it has
helped you grow up whether it be you have become a more independent person or something like that that
4. Is the language alive, human, or interesting? Is there a voice in the words or a sense of someone
There is a voice. You did a good job at displaying emotion and making feel like it is an actual
The text matches very well with the essentials of the personal essay. It shows a lot of personal presence
of the author along with your engagement between self and world when you described your experience
between you and your friends. Also the self exploration when you would stop yourself from doing
something rash and decided to calm yourself down so you can react when you are in a clearer state of
mind.
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adding a little bit more of some of the emotions you felt in other events you talk about. For
example, when your friend distanced herself, maybe dive a little more into the feelings you might
reader I was able to visualize and get a good sense of what was happening and how you were
taking it in.
1. I think your personal presence was felt throughout the story as well as the piece of text you
highlighted.
2. By providing details of each scene and emotion, you do a great job of creating an engagement
about how you react to and act on emotion very well meets that element.
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improve their writing. The first example is my response to Justins essay. One part was a
little confusing for me and I felt didnt flow well throughout the story so I commented by
saying, You can add some more details backing up your passion for racing. How hard
did you work in school in order for you to be able to race? What exactly was the reason
why you stopped being friends with people who questioned you? These are some things
you can consider putting in your text to let the reader know more about how that ties with
your passion of racing and so itll flow better. Another example in my peer response is
with Henrys essay. Here I stated, I really like how you wrote here, explaining the reason
why you were mad. I encourage you to keep writing with this element and its definitely
something I would look forward to using in my writing in the future. It gives the reader
insight on not just knowing that you were mad but also the reason behind it. Not only
did I just tell the writer what I liked about their writing but I also explained to them why I
liked it and what technique they should continue using. My last example was also a
response to Henrys essay. I felt his essay was a little confusing and needed more
background knowledge so I said, Id say the thing that needs to be worked on the most is
just elaborate more on some things that the reader may not know like pop warner
football. Also work on giving more background knowledge and insight for the reader like
when saying how you were mad for a month, what did you do if you did anything when
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mad or try to make the reader see the movie in your mind as much as possible. I pointed
out where he could improve and on things he can focus on more in his writing.
1. Is the language alive, human, or interesting? Is there a voice in the words or a sense of
2. Is the whole thing unified? Is there one central idea to which everything pertains or is it loose