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The Acid Test..................................................................................

6
After Juliet......................................................................................8
All for Love (Act III Scene i)..........................................................11
American History X.......................................................................13
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy..................................16
The Applicant................................................................................18
Art.................................................................................................21
August, Osage County.................................................................23
Babies..........................................................................................25
Balm in Gilead..............................................................................27
Barefoot in the Park......................................................................29
Barry Lyndon................................................................................31
The Bear......................................................................................33
The Beau Defeated......................................................................36
The Beaux' Stratagem..................................................................38
Been So Long..............................................................................40
The Big Lebowski.........................................................................42
Blasted.........................................................................................45
Bold Girls......................................................................................48
Breathing Corpses........................................................................51
Bridesmaids.................................................................................54
Bridesmaids (2)............................................................................56
The Cable Guy.............................................................................58
California Suite.............................................................................61
Captain Blood...............................................................................64
The Canterbury Tales...................................................................66
The Champion of Paribanou (1)...................................................68
The Champion of Paribanou (2)...................................................70
The Champion of Paribanou (3)...................................................72
Closer (1).....................................................................................74
Closer (2).....................................................................................78
Closer (3).....................................................................................81
The Collection..............................................................................83
Comic Potential............................................................................86
The Confusion..............................................................................88
Coriolanus (remix)........................................................................91
The Count of Monte Cristo (1)......................................................93
Count of Monte Cristo The (2)......................................................95
The Court Jester...........................................................................97
Cymbeline (IV, 2)..........................................................................99
Dangerous Beauty......................................................................101
Death Becomes Her...................................................................104
Design For Living.......................................................................107
The Devils Advocate..................................................................110
The Devil's Law-Case.................................................................112
Dinner.........................................................................................114
Dogs Barking..............................................................................117
Don Juan's Wantons..................................................................120
The Duellists...............................................................................122
Edward the Second....................................................................124
Erik the Viking............................................................................126
Excalibur....................................................................................129
Fair Maid of the West.................................................................130
Fallen Angels..............................................................................133
The Feigned Courtesans............................................................135
A Few Good Men........................................................................138
Fight Club...................................................................................142
Firebird.......................................................................................146
Fool for Love (1).........................................................................149
Fool For Love (2)........................................................................151
Frankenstein...............................................................................153
Girl, Interrupted..........................................................................155
The Girl's Guide to Saving the World.........................................157
The Great Race (1)....................................................................160
The Great Race (2)....................................................................162
Greek (1)....................................................................................164
The Hard Man............................................................................168
The Harlot and the Hypocrite.....................................................170
Henry IV pt 1..............................................................................173
Henry VI pt 1 (Act I, Sc. 2)..........................................................174
Henry VI pt 1 (Act I Sc. 2) - Fight Cut.........................................176
Hook...........................................................................................177
The Insatiate Countess..............................................................179
In Bruges....................................................................................182
In the Boom Boom Room...........................................................184
Jerusalem...................................................................................186
Jitters..........................................................................................189
Killer Joe....................................................................................192
King Lear (Act II, Sc. 2)..............................................................195
King Lear (Act V, Sc. 3)..............................................................197
King Lear (Act V, Sc. 3) - Fight Mix............................................198
The King's Thief.........................................................................200
The Last Days of Don Juan........................................................202
The Last Samurai.......................................................................206
Les Liaisons Dangereuses.........................................................208
The Lieutenant of Inishmore.......................................................210
Life of Brian................................................................................212
Like A Brother.............................................................................214
The Lion In Winter......................................................................217
The Lodger.................................................................................220
Loose Knit..................................................................................224
The Love Of The Nightingale.....................................................226
Lovers and Executioners............................................................228
Lovers and Executioners (2)......................................................230
Macbeth.....................................................................................232
The Maid of New Orleans...........................................................234
The Maid's Tragedy....................................................................236
The Maid's Tragedy (2)..............................................................238
The Mark of Zorro.......................................................................240
The Mask of Zorro......................................................................242
Medea (1)...................................................................................243
Medea (2)...................................................................................246
A Midsummer Nights Dream, (Act III, Sc 2)...............................248
Moliere.......................................................................................250
Monty Python and the Holy Grail................................................251
The Murders At Argos.................................................................254
Nil by Mouth...............................................................................257
The Odd Couple (Female version).............................................260
The Odd Couple (Original version).............................................263
Oedipus the King (1)..................................................................266
Oedipus the King (2)..................................................................268
On Emotion................................................................................270
The One.....................................................................................272
One Corpse too Many................................................................275
Orange Is The New Black (2).....................................................277
The Orphan of Zhao...................................................................280
Our Lady of 121st Street.............................................................283
Phoenician Women....................................................................286
Pirates of the Caribbean.............................................................288
Playhouse Creatures..................................................................289
Posh...........................................................................................291
The Prince and The Soldier........................................................293
The Princess Bride (1)................................................................295
The Princess Bride (3)................................................................296
Private Lives...............................................................................297
Red.............................................................................................301
Reasons To Be Pretty.................................................................306
Red Peppers..............................................................................309
La Reine Margot.........................................................................311
Revolutionary Road....................................................................313
Richard III...................................................................................315
Ring Round The Moon...............................................................317
Road...........................................................................................319
The Roaring Girl.........................................................................321
Robin Hood................................................................................324
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves...................................................326
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead......................................328
The Rover (short cut).................................................................332
The Rover (Long cut).................................................................334
The Secret of the Unicorn..........................................................339
The Servant of Two Masters (Female Version)..........................341
The Servant of Two Masters (Male Version)..............................344
Serving It Up...............................................................................347
Sharpes Challenge....................................................................350
The Sisterhood...........................................................................353
Sleuth.........................................................................................356
The Social Network....................................................................358
Some Voices..............................................................................360
Stoning Mary..............................................................................363
Swetnam the Woman Hater Arraigned by Women.....................365
Tamburlaine the Great................................................................367
Tamburlaine Must Die.................................................................369
The Taming of the Shrew...........................................................372
Tape...........................................................................................376
That Face...................................................................................378
That Scoundrel Scapin...............................................................382
Theatre of Blood.........................................................................386
Timon of Athens Act IV. Sc.3...................................................388
Tis Pity She's A Whore (Act II, sc. 1).........................................390
Tis Pity Shes A Whore (Act IV, Sc. 3)........................................392
Top Girls (1)................................................................................395
Top Girls (2)................................................................................397
The Tragical History of King Richard III......................................399
Troilus and Cressida (1).............................................................401
Troilus & Cressida (2).................................................................403
The Trojan Women (1)...............................................................406
The Trojan Women (2)...............................................................409
Truth and Reconcilliation............................................................411
Tusk, Tusk..................................................................................414
Two Noble Kinsmen...................................................................417
War Next Door (The)..................................................................419
War of the Roses........................................................................423
Welcome to the Jungle...............................................................427
Whistle in the Dark.....................................................................429
Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?.................................................431
The Witch...................................................................................434
The Women Pirates....................................................................436
The Woman Who Cooked Her Husband (1)..............................439
The Woman Who Cooked Her Husband (2)..............................442
Zastrozzi: The Master Of Discipline (2)......................................446
Zastrozzi: The Master Of Discipline (3)......................................449
The Zoo Story.............................................................................452
The Acid Test
Anya Reiss

Jessica OK look I can't stand this any more. My dad's going to


have to leave. Right now.

Ruth Jess stop it. He's been fine. He's been lovely. Just go
to bed or something.

Jessica No I wont go to bed. I fucking won't go to bed! I've put


up with his crap all night and now you're not stopping
this.

Ruth You're throwing him out? You'd make him homeless?

Jessica He's my dad I brought him here, I'm sorry I brought


him here but I can get him to leave.

Ruth Stop talking about him like he's a dog Jessica. Youve
been nothing but horrible to him all night.

Jessica He's not a fucking child.

Ruth He's got nowhere to go.

Jessica That's the fucking problem isn't it?

Ruth Well then why don't you go, Jess?

Jessica What?

Ruth You can stay with your mum and Barry, Jim can stay
here until he's sorted out.

Jessica This is my flat.

Ruth Yeah, and mine and Dana's. We can decide.

Jessica Can you stop being so melodramatic, I mean for fuck's


sake you can't throw me out.

Ruth Ah for gods sake stop playing the fucking victim I dare
you.
Jessica What are you even doing here Ruth? Shouldnt you be
in the hospital with your precious boyfriend not here
creating another little drama.

Ruth You are just disgusting you know that? Im your friend
and you talk to me like that?

Jessica You've said worse.

Ruth Come on Jess youve said stuff before behind my


back.

Jessica Well now I see I should have been saying it to your


face because it apparently would have made me a
fucking oracle.

Ruth You know what I cant live with you anymore. Always
fucking angry and complaining thinking youre some
misanthrope who people gravitate toward or something
but you are actually just a nasty little bitch.

Jessica Ok fine dont live with me, then you get out. Go and
jump off a bus shelter with your limp little waster
green/-haired boyfriend. You're a joke.

Ruth He hasnt got green hair anymore!

Ruth Oh you know what fuck you, fuck right off. Me and
Dana want you gone so fuck off.

Jessica Im not leaving. This is my flat! You can't do this.

Ruth Why do you even want to stay? If Im so stupid and


self-absorbed and your dad's so pathetic and Dana's a
whore why youd want to stay?

Jessica (About to cry.) Yeah, yeah youre right why would I?

Ruth So fuck off.


After Juliet
Sharman Macdonald

Petruchio Illegal weapons?

Rosaline What do you bring, Petruchio?

Petruchio This is an election.

Rosaline It precedes a war.

Petruchio It precedes a peace.

Rosaline So you say.

Petruchio Your clothes dont make a man of you.

Rosaline I wear the clothes to fight more easily. I have no wish


to be a man.

Petruchio Are you challenging me?

Rosaline There is nothing says a woman cannot be leader.


Weve had women before.

Petruchio A social role.

Rosaline Our laws do not define the position by gender.


Prince or Princes they state.

Petruchio Why, Rosaline?

Rosaline Do the Montagues allow peace? I dont want peace.

Petruchio I do.

Rosaline Why? Why? Look at us. Without weapons what will we


become?

Petruchio Id like to see.

Rosaline And when youve seen, when youve seen, and we are
all ordinary and we have no purpose. What then? It will
be too late to turn back. Well be out of the fighting
way. What tales then will we tell our children? Well
have no more heroes, well die old and wrinkled in our
beds. Love will be less sharp.

Petruchio It wasnt one of us you loved.

Rosaline I dont want to see our race decline. Where will our
poetry come from, hate ironed out of our souls, our
fighting days done? Blossom is more sweet today if
death comes tomorrow.

Petruchio I want to watch the blossom bud; I want to watch it


flower; I want to watch it fall; A snow shower of petals
on the ground; And see the buds break next year too.
And the next. And the next. And taste the wine from
the vines yet to be planted. I want that for all of us.
Capulets and Montagues.

Rosaline You want to play boules in the sunshine old before


your time?

Petruchio I want to live: you want to die and join Romeo in the
vault. And you want to take us with you. These
weapons are chill, Rosaline, the cold sweat of the
grave is on them. In a May time. Blossom on the trees.
Perfume in the air. I put a sword in a girls hand.
Watched her catch up her skirts and fight. Teasing me.
Laughing at me. The immortal passando I taught her,
the punto reverso, they hey.

Rosaline You know I can fight then having taught me yourself.


You all know I can fight.

Petruchio But can you govern?

Rosaline Can you govern Petruchio?

Petruchio The Prince has declared peace.

Rosaline Peace? I dont know what to do with it. There will be


killings anyway to fill up the space in our minds
wrought by this Prince-ordained peace. Theyll seem
accidental. But they wont be. Better to play by the old
rules. Control the foot soldiers. Give them discipline.

Petruchio We dont like them, they dont like us. Should they die
for it? Should we? Because they pierce their
daughters ears at birth and thats not our practice.
Should we die? Should they?

Rosaline A heart has only so many beats in it.

Petruchio This feud began not in our fathers' time but in our
fathers' fathers'. Some small difference began it. This
ancient grudge. IN all the tales our mothers tell. I never
heard what was the root cause. Was it some slight.
Some preferment. Even some small argument
between women. And yet our young men die. IN the
service of this fierce fate which Rosaline believes gives
our lives meaning.

Rosaline. I dont know where the beginning was. Here and now I
take the end on me.

Petruchio You require a death, Ill be your opponent. Ill fight you.
(Unfastens jacket)

Rosaline What are you doing?

Petruchio Making it easy for you. Giving you a clear sight of the
target.

Rosaline Dont patronise me. (Petruchio Drops guard


deliberately) You said youd fight me. You said youd
fight. Put up your guard. Put it up. Do you think I wont
cut you? Do you think I wont?

Petruchio Cut me, then. Cut me, Rosaline.

Rosaline No. You win.

Petruchio Did you love him that much?

Rosaline Have you cats, Petruchio, I hope they purr for you.
All for Love (Act III Scene i)
John Dryden (1631-1700)

Octavia I need not ask if you are Cleopatra:


Your haughty carriage -

Cleopatra shows I am a queen:


Nor need I ask who you are.

Octavia A Roman:
A name that makes, and can unmake, a queen.

Cleopatra Your lord, the man who serves me, is a Roman.

Octavia He was a Roman, till he lost that name


To be a slave in Egypt: but I come
To free him thence.

Cleopatra Peace, peace, my lover is Juno.


When he grew weary of that household clog,
He chose my easier bonds.

Octavia I wonder not


Your bonds are easy: you have long been practised
In that lascivious art. He is not the first
For whom you spread your snares: let Caesar witness.

Cleopatra I loved not Caesar: it was but gratitude


I paid his love. The worst your malice can
Is but to say the greatest of mankind
Has been my slave. The next, but far above him
In my esteem, is he whom law calls yours,
But whom his love made mine.

Octavia I would view nearer


That face which has so long usurped my right,
To find the inevitable charms that catch
Mankind so sure, that ruined my dear lord.

Cleopatra Oh you do well to search, for had you known


But half these charms, you had not lost his heart.
Octavia Thou lovest him not so well.

Cleopatra I love him better and deserve him more.

Octavia Who made him cheap in Rome, but Cleopatra?


Who made him scorned abroad, but Cleopatra?
At Actium, who betrayed him? Cleopatra.
Who made his children orphans, and poor me
A wretched widow? Only Cleopatra.

Cleopatra Yet she who loves him best is Cleopatra.


And all to bear the branded name of mistress.
There wants but life, and that too I would lose
For him I love.

Octavia Be it so, then; take thy wish.


American History X
Screenplay by David McKenna

Cameron Well look who's here, the return of the soldier. Take it
easy. Chill out. You're on safe ground. You don't have
to watch your ass round here. (Laughs) Come on. Sit
down. Relax. Im sorry the party was a little quick but
we're justdamn glad you're back, Derek. It's only
natural you should feel a little funny.

Derek I don't feel funny, Cam.

Cameron You know you made the fat kid a little nervous. He
thinks the jointmessed with your mind.

Derek It did.

Pause

Cameron Things have changed since you've been gone Derek.


You talkedabout organization; wait 'til you see what
we've done with the Internet. We've got every gang
from Seattle to San Diego working together now.
Theyre not competing any more; theyre consolidated.
The only thing we lack is a little overallleadership, and
that's where you come in. Those people out there have
got a lotof respect for you, Derek. When youre ready,
come and talk to me about it.

Derek Well you can forget it. I'm done with it, Cam.

Cameron Yeah, well, I know you grew out of that shaved head
bullshit a longtime ago, thank God. I like your hair the
way it is now. You see that's what Imean, Derek. We're
thinking bigger now. No more of this fucking grocery
store...

Derek You're not listening to me. I am done with it. All that
bullshit out there.And all your bullshit, too. I'm out.
Cameron I understand how you feel; I mean you've just done
some hard time.
Derek Don't you fucking talk to me about hard time. You don't
know a thingabout it.

Cameron Hey I've done mine -

Derek You didn't do shit. I found out about your little prison
story. You did twomonths, and then you rolled over on
two kids and let them go down for you. Sodon't feed
me your fucking lies, Cameron.

Cameron All right. This is stupid. I'm done. Now you go cool off.
Get laid. Dosomething. Get your head on straight and
then I'll talk to you.

Derek: Hey but it doesn't even matter if I don't, does it? 'Cause
you've got thenext crop all lined up and ready to go.
You fucking chicken hawk.

Cameron Excuse me?

Derek You prey on people, Cam! You use them! I lost three
years of my life foryour fucking phony cause but I am
onto you now, you fucking snake.

Cameron Hey Derek, watch it. Be careful. Remember where you


are. This isn'tjust some fucking country club where you
can waltz in and out of here wheneveryou choose.

Derek Hey shut up! Shut the fuck up! I came in here to tell
you one thing. I amout. Out! And Danny is out, too! And
if you come near my fucking family again Iam going to
fucking kill you.

Cameron Well excuse me, but fuck you, Derek. You can't come
barking threatsat me. Look, you can do whatever you
want but Danny is a good kid. He's notsome whiny
pussy like you. He needs my help and I am going to
give it to him.

Derek If you come near Danny again I will feed you your
fucking heart, Cameron
Cameron I won't have to. He'll come to me. I'm more important to
him now thanyou'll ever be.

Derek Shit.

Cameron You're a fucking dead man.


Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Screenplay by Adam McKay & Will Ferrell

Ron Hi, Im here we can do the news now.

Veronica Sweetheart we were so worried about you and we


waited as long as we could. Darling, I did the news and
I nailed it.

Ron Wait Veronica, please tell me this is some kinda sick,


tasteless joke.

Veronica You werent here. Why are you being this way? Why
cant you just be proud of me as a peer and as my
gentleman lover?

Ron I cant believe you did this to me. You read my news.

Veronica I told you that I wanted to be an anchor, I told you that.

Ron I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke. I


even wrote it down in my diary. Veronica made a very
funny joke today. I laughed at it literally all night.

Veronica I cant believe that I cared for you.

Ron You are a real hooker and Im gonna slap you in public.

Veronica You have man boobs.

Ron Youve got a dirty whorish mouth. That is what you


have. Im gonna punch you in the ovary. Thats what
Im gonna do. Straight shot.

Veronica Owww

Ron Right to the baby maker.

Veronica Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

Ron OK you know what that was uncalled for. I cant work
with this woman.
Veronica Mr. Burgundy, Im a professional and I would like to be
able to do my job.

Ron Well big deal. I am very professional.

Veronica Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

Ron Im not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.

Veronica You are not a man; you are a big fat joke.

Ron Im a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel
Tower out of metal and brawn. Thats what kinda man I
am. Youre just a woman with a small brain, with a
brain a third the size of us. Its science.

Veronica I will have you know that I have more talent and more
intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire
body.

Ron You are a smelly pirate hooker.

Veronica You look like a blueberry.

Ron Why dont you go back to your home on Whore Island?

Veronica Well you have bad hair.

Ron What did you say?

Veronica I said your hair looks stupid.

Ron ARGH! I HATE YOU!

Veronica I HATE YOU MORE!

Ron Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of


your actions, you scorpion woman.

Veronica You have broken my heart Mr. Burgundy. You have


broken my heart.
The Applicant
Harold Pinter (adapted)

[An office. Mr Piffs sits at a desk, he is the essence of efficiency, looking over
an application form. Mr Lamb, an eager, cheerful, enthusiastic young man
enters.]

Piffs [Looks up.] Ah, good morning.

Lamb Good morning, sir.

Piffs You are [Looks at form.] ...Mr Lamb?

Lamb [Smiles.] That's right.

Piffs [Glances at Lamb, unimpressed.] Yes. [Looks at form.] You are applying
for the vacant position of 'Physics teacher', aren't you?

Lamb I am, yes.

Piffs You've had teaching experience before?

Lamb Oh yes, It's my whole life... [Sits down.]

Piffs [Stands.] Good. [Lamb stands again quickly.] Now our procedure is,
that before we discuss the applicant's qualifications we like to subject them
to a little 'test' to determine their physical and... psychological suitability.
You've no objection?

Lamb Oh, good heavens, no.

Piffs [With menace.] Good.

[Piffs picks up a rapier from the desk and hands it to Lamb. Lamb takes it.]

Lamb Erm... what's this?

Piffs It's a sword.

Lamb [A little nervously.] Oh yes, of course.

Piffs And here's your dagger.

[Piffs hands Lamb a dagger. Lamb takes it meekly.]

Lamb How amusing. [Piffs picks up a set of his own weapons.] You have
these too, do you? [Nervous.] Of course, you'd have to, wouldn't you?

[Piffs turns to Lamb and swings his sword, limbering up.]


Lamb And this helps to determine my... suitability to teach, does it?

Piffs [Serious.] Unquestionably. Now just relax, Mr Lamb. Don't think about a
thing. [Raises sword and dagger to guard position.]

Lamb No. [Copies Piffs position.]

Piffs Relax completely. Relax. [Lamb nods.] Quite relaxed?

Lamb Well...

Piffs Would you say you were a nervous person?

Lamb [Panting.] What? Oh... not... unduly, no. Sometimes I--

Piffs Are you ever puzzled by children?

Lamb Puzzled?

Piffs Tricked?

Lamb Tricked?

Piffs Fooled?

Lamb What?

Piffs You've let them get the better of you. [Nods.] I see.

Lamb [Slightly annoyed.] Now just a minute, I... I thought I was here to...

Piffs [Nods.] Very good Mr Lamb. You may put down your weapons.

Lamb [Sir, I really fail to see the relevance of this-

Piffs Do you have difficulty exerting control over a class?

Lamb [This is more like it.] Ah. Well I like to keep order, of course, but I think
that a healthy learning environment should be-

Piffs [Turns to Lamb.] Hit me.

Lamb Excuse me?

Piffs I asked you to hit me, Mr Lamb. Please.

Lamb You're insane! I'm a teacher for God's sake!


Piffs And this is an average, run of the mill, secondary school Mr Lamb. So I
have one final question for you. [Lamb looks relieved.] Do children frighten
you?

Piffs Thank you, Mr Lamb. We'll let you know.


Art
Yasmina Reza

Serge Are you aware that youve talked about nothing but
yourself?

Yvan Well, who are you talking about? Everybody talks about
themselves.

Serge You fuck up our evening, you....

Yvan I fuck up your evening?

Serge Yes.

Yvan I fuck up your evening? I? I fuck up your evening?

Serge All right, dont get excited.

Yvan Youre saying its me whos fucked up your evening.

Serge How many more times are you going to say it?

Yvan Just answer the question, are you saying its me whos
fucked up your evening?

Serge Yes.

Yvan You know I could burst into tears, I could start crying
right now, Im very close to tears.

Serge Cry.

Yvan Cry. Youre telling me to cry.

Serge Youve every reason to cry, youre marrying a gorgon,


youre losing your two best friends......

Yvan Thats it then, is it, its all over.

Serge You said it yourself, whats the point of seeing each


other, if we hate each other?
Yvan Oh, shit. What have I ever done to you? Shit!
August, Osage County
Tracy Letts

Bill Barbara

Barbara Precocious little shit

Bill Im not defending her.

Barbara (voice rising) Im not blaming her, because I dont


expect her to act any differently when her father is a
selfish son-of-a-bitch!
Bill (voice rising) Im on your side. How can we fight when
Im on your side? Barbara Barbara, settle down!

Barbara Be a father! Help me!

Bill I am her father, goddammit!

Barbara Her father is in absentia, her father in name only!

Bill I have not forsook my responsibilities!

Barbara Its forsaken, Big Shot!

Bill Actually, forsook is also an acceptable usage!

Barbara Oh, forsook you and the horse you rode in on!

Bill So we need to fight on your terms then: on topic one


moment, and whimsical insults the next, all of it when it
suits you

Barbara We covered this around Year Three, Bill: that youre


the Master of Space and Time and Im a Spastic
Pomeranian.

Bill Thats not fair.

Barbara Im sick of being fair! Ive seen where being fair gets
me! Im sick of the whole notion of the enduring
female. GROW UP! Cause while youre going through
your fifth puberty, the world is falling apart and I cant
handle it! More importantly, your kid cant handle it!

Bill Our kid is just trying to deal with this goddamn


madhouse youve dragged her into.

Barbara This madhouse is my home.

Bill Think about that statement for a second, why dont


you?

Barbara Jean is here with me because this is a family event.

Bill Jeans here with you because shes a buffer between


you and the shrill intensity of your mother.

Barbara Yknow, youd have a lot more credibility if you had any
credibility.

Bill You cant resist, can you?

Barbara Youre a pretty easy mark.

Bill Youre so goddamn self-righteous, you know? Youre


so

Barbara Surely you mustve known when you started porking


Pippi Longstocking you were due for a little self-
righteousness, just a smidgen of indignation on my
part

Bill Maybe I split because of it.

Barbara Is this your confession, then, when you finally unload


all - ?

Bill Youre thoughtful, Barbara, but youre not open. Youre


passionate, but youre hard. Youre a good, decent,
funny, wonderful woman, and I love you, but youre a
pain in the ass.
Babies
Jonathan Harvey

Viv Yeah, you can stare, Valerie Pinkney! Oh yeah? Its only
shopping, Valerie. Its bloody paid for.

Valerie You should be ashamed of yourself.

Viv Stop putting letters through our door.

Val I can see the drink in that bag. Street smells like a
brewery thanks to you.

Viv My Scottie died six months ago.

Val Six months is nothing.

Viv Im entitled to enjoy myself.

Val Your Scottie would turn in his grave if he knew how you
carry on.

Viv You didnt know Scottie like

Val He was my bus driver! An upstanding pillar he was.


Sixteen years he took me to work.

Viv Shame he never crashed.

Val Ive written to the council about you. Told em how you
neglect your kids.

Viv You pissin no-mark. Workin in a bleedin launderette. Ill


have ya, you slappery little slap. Pinkney, get your flabby
little cheeks over here now. Im waiting, Valerie. You
coward... Youve gone too far this time.

Val Say that again.

Viv I wouldnt waste my breath.

Val Look at you, Miss Fanny-for-lodgers. Showing your


knickers for all to see. Aint you got no pride? Wash it
down the drain with the memory of Scotties name. Eh?
Coming in all hours. Different man every night.

Viv Theyre all queer.

Val Every time I open me curtains I got a bordello view and


the stench o Merry Widow. Women like you make me
sick. Sick!

Viv How dare you spout this bullshit about me?

Val Well, its a wise bull that knows its own shit.

Viv Come here and say that.

Val Its a wise bull that knows its own shit.

Viv You little whore!


Balm in Gilead
Lanford Wilson

Judy You really cosy back there, are you?

Rust Whatta you mean?

Judy Whatta you mean, whatta I mean? I got eyes.

Rust Well, whatta you see?

Judy I got eyes, goddammit. I can see.

Rust Why dont you go back there, youre so worried.

Judy Go back there! Ive had about enough of you.

Rust Nothings happening you cant see.

Judy You sawed-off little bitch, you moving in? You moving
into our pad?

Rust Itd serve you right if I did.

Judy Ive had about enough of you.

Rust Go back to your sick friend.

Judy Get your hot little ass out of here, now.

Rust Im gonna get you outta my hair now, you bitch.

Judy Youre not gonna get nothing.

Rust No?

Judy Im gonna teach you to break everyone up.

Rust Youre gonna get your ass kicked, is what youre gonna
get.

Judy You little bitch, you just get the-


Rust Okay, you jealous cunt, now you mind your own
business.

Judy Why dont you mind you stay away from Terry.

Rust Go slapping people around. Im not interested in her.

Judy You stay away, I saw you!

Rust You been asking for it all night!

Judy We been together eleven months: you stay away!

Rust Im not bothering her!

Judy Go on

Rust Im leaving, goddammit! Just mind your own business.

Judy I cant help it.


Barefoot in the Park
Neil Simon

Paul That was a rotten thing to do to your own mother.

Corie What are you so angry about, Paul?

Paul I dont understand how you can be so unconcerned about this.

Corie Unconcerned? Im plenty concerned. What Im really concerned about


is you!

Paul Me? Me?

Corie Im beginning to wonder if youre capable of having a good time. You


wont let your hair down for a minute. Boy, Paul, sometimes you act
like a a

Paul Stuffed shirt?

Corie I didnt say you were a stuffed shirt. But you are extremely proper and
dignified.

Paul Im proper and dignified? When ? When was I proper and dignified?

Corie Always. Youre always dressed right, you always look right, you
always say the right things. Youre very close to being perfect.

Paul Thats thats a rotten thing to say.

Corie Like Thursday night. You wouldnt walk barefoot with me in


Washington Square Park. Why not?

Paul Very simple answer. It was 17 degrees.

Corie Exactly. Very sensible and logical, except that it isnt any fun.

Paul Im not going to listen to this Im not going to listen.

Corie Where are you going?

Paul To sleep.

Corie You cant sleep now. Were having a fight.

Paul You have the fight. When youre through, turn off the lights.
Corie You will not go to sleep. You will stay here and fight to save our
marriage.

Paul Because I wont walk barefoot in the park with you? You havent got a
case,

Corie Adultery, yes, Cold feet, no.

Corie Ooh, I hate you, I hate you. I really, really hate you!

Paul Youre impossible

Corie Youre unbearable.

Paul You belong in a nursery school.

Corie Its a lot more fun than a home for fuddy-duddies.

Paul All right, Corie, lets not get -

Corie Dont you touch me dont you touch me I want a divorce!

Paul A divorce? What?

Corie Im sorry Paul, I cant discuss it any more. Im going to bed.

Paul You cant. Not now.

Corie You did before.

Paul That was in the middle of a fight. This is in the middle of a divorce.

Corie I cant talk to you when youre hysterical. Good night.

Paul Youre serious.

Corie Dead serious.

Paul I see Well I guess theres nothing left to be said. You want a
quick divorce or a slow, painful one?

Corie Things just didnt work out.

Paul They sure as hell didnt.


Barry Lyndon

Quinn: Let me explain why you are so indebted to me. I


agree to marry this girl, this Nora Brady. A girl
without a penny in the world. A girl that has been
flinging herself at every man in these parts these
five years past, and missing them all. And you wish
to break off this match which will bring fifteen
hundred a year to your uncle who is so distressed
for money. Where is your gratitude boy?

Redmond: Heres my gratitude to you Captain John Quinn

Redmond spits in Quinns face.

Quinn: I have been grossly insulted in this house. I am an


Englishman I am, and a man of property and as
for you, you impudent young swine, you should be
horse whipped.

Redmond: Mr. Quinn may have satisfaction any time he


pleases.

Redmond draws his sword, Quinn follows suit. They fight

Quinn: Now you listen to me. You are but a young man and
I am willing to consider you as such. Now Dublin is
a fine place and if you have a mind to take a ride
there and see the town for a month, heres ten
guineas at your service, I will consider the affair
honourably settled.

Redmond: Mark this, and come what will of it. I will fight any
man that pretends to the hand of Nora Brady. Ill
follow him, even if its into the church and fight him
there. Ill have his blood or hell have mine.

They continue to fight

Quinn: Just say youre sorry Redmond. Come on, you can
easily say that.
Redmond: I am not sorry; and I will not apologise; and Id as
soon go to Dublin as to hell.

They continue to fight and Quinn is slain.


The Bear
Anton Chekov

Smirnov Allow me to introduce myself. Gregory Stepanovich


Smirnov. Landowner and lieutenant of artillery. I am obliged to
trouble you on a matter of some urgency.

Popova What do you want?

Smirnov Your late husband, with whom I had the honour of being
acquainted, left debts outstanding. Since the interest on my
land falls due tomorrow, I should be obliged to you, madam, if
you would pay me the money today.

Popova If my husband left debts to you, then of course I shall pay


them. The day after tomorrow, my bailiff will return. It is
exactly seven months to the day since my husband died and
just now I am in such a state of mind that I cannot concern
myself with money matters.

Smirnov And I am in such a state of pocket that if I dont pay the


money tomorrow I will be bankrupt. They will seize my estate.

Popova Youll get your money. The day after tomorrow.

Smirnov I dont need it the day after tomorrow, I need it today.

Popova But how can I help you if I haven't any money?

Smirnov You mean you can't pay?

Popova No, I can't. I Think I've explained my position clearly


enough.

Smirnov And yet they expect me to keep my temper. How can I


help being in a temper? I need money desperately but I am
treated to 'a state of mind'! As if I don't know what this
'mourning' is! So mysterious, so poetical! We all know these
tricks. You've buried yourself away in here but you haven't
forgotten to powder your face!

Popova How dare you say this to me! Be so good as to leave


me alone.
Smirnov Pay me back my money and Ill go.

Popova Not a kopek, so there! I refuse to talk with insolent riff-


raff. Be so good as to get out. Well? Are you going to go?

Smirnov No.

Popova No? Very well then.

Smirnov Would you mend your manners a little?

Popova Ohhh. You are a peasant, an ill-mannered bear, a brute!


A monster!

Smirnov What right have you, may I ask, to insult me?

Popova Yes, Im insulting you. Do you think Im afraid of you?

Smirnov And do you imagine that just because you are the poor
mysterious widow, you can go around insulting others with
impunity? Because youre a woman? I demand satisfaction!

Popova You Brute! You think Im frightened of you because you


have ham fists and a throat like a bull? Do you? You bully?

Smirnov I demand satisfaction. I wont allow anyone to insult me.


If women are to be our equal, the Devil take it!

Popova Oh if you want a fight, then by all means! How I'll enjoy
putting this point through your brazen heart! Damnation take
you!

Smirnov (aside) My God, what a woman! I'm almost sorry to


have to kill her! (to Popova) I'll pot you off like a chicken! I'm
no young sentimental puppy!

Popova I'll not rest until I've made a hole in your detestable
forehead!

Smirnov Im finished, done for. I've gone out of my mind. I love


you. I love you as Ive never loved before.
Popova You dare tell me that you love me? I cannot bear the
sight of you! Let us fight!

Smirnov Strike home! You have no idea how happy I'd be to die
looking into your eyes. Here I am on my knees like a fool. I'm
offering you my hand.

Popova You have no idea how furious I am. Furious!

Smirnov How furious I am with myself. I love you. I'll never


forgive myself for it.

Mrs Popov Take your hands off me! I - I demand satisfaction!


The Beau Defeated
Mary Pix

Sir John Beyond my wish! Mr Richs niece, the world shall


applaud my revenge: A young gypsy this, whod have
thought it had been in her? Mon chere amie, you shall have
your will. And then a hey for disobedience.

Mr Rich And then a hey for disobedience, who is this with his a
hey for disobedience? Art thou the flaring fop my hopeful
sisters fond on, descended from thy duchesss bed-
chamber, to steal my daughter?

Sir John I am a gentleman sir, and expect to be used like one.

Mr Rich Tis false, thou art not, I have traced thy original, and
found thou art none.

Sir John Thou unpolished thing, I answer thy affront, with my


mien, my dress, my air, all show the gentleman, and give the
lie to thy ill-mannered malice.

Mr Rich Defy me, thou thing equipped! Canst thou justify the
worst of thefts, stealing my child? Draw.

Sir John Your pardon sir, not before the lady, I may discompose
her, perhaps the sight of a sword may fright her into a fit.

Mr Rich Art thou not a fool?

Sir John A fool, a la mode, sir.

Mr Rich A coward.

Sir John I am a beau, sir.

Mr Rich All sound and no sense.

Sir John I sing tolerably well. For who would in a cellar dine,
when he may go to Lockets.
Mr Rich Thou trifling coxcomb, all wig and no brains, begone this
very instant, or Ill lead thee by the nose, Ill lead thee to a
she-fop of thy acquaintance, coxcomb, I will, therefore make
use of thy heels.

Sir John Egad, this is very uncivil.

Mr Rich I meant it so.

Sir John Ill lampoon thee, till your friends shall fly ye, your
neighbours despise ye, and the world laugh at ye.

Mr Rich I believe your wits as dangerous as your courage,


begone, insect.

Sir John Has she been a spectator, I shall be jeered to death. I


will study a revenge shall make you tremble, I will, thou
barbarous Cit.

Mr Rich Go set your periwig to rights fop, Ha, ha.

Sir John Curses, curses. Ah I shall choke.


The Beaux' Stratagem
George Farquhar

Mrs. Sullen Well, sister!

Dorinda And well, sister!

Sullen Whats become of my lord?

Dorinda Whats become of his servant?

Sullen Servant! Hes a prettier fellow, and a finer gentleman by


fifty degrees, than his master. Ill lay you a guinea that I had
finer things said to me than you had.

Dorinda Done. What did your fellow say to you?

Sullen My fellow took the picture of Venus for mine.

Dorinda My fellow took me for Venus herself.

Sullen Common cant!

Dorinda My lover was on his knees to me.

Sullen And mine was on his tiptoes to me.

Dorinda Mine vowed to die for me.

Sullen Mine swore to die with me.

Dorinda Mine spoke the softest moving things.

Sullen Mine had his moving things too.

Dorinda Mine kissed my hand ten thousand times.

Sullen Mine has all that pleasure to come.

Dorinda Mine offered marriage.

Sullen O lord! Dye call that a moving thing?


Dorinda The sharpest arrow in his quiver, my dear sister! If I
marry Lord Aimwell, there will be title, place and precedence;
splendour, noise and flambeaux. Are not these things
moving?

Sullen Happy, happy sister! Long smiling years of circling joys for
you, but not one hour for me!

Dorinda Come, my dear. Well talk of something else.


Been So Long
Che Walker

Raymond Christ, I need a piss. The lager they serve here, this
foreign stuff its not tip-top quality, is it?

Gil doesnt react

Raymond Hmm. No. Quite literally piss poor.

Gil Whats your name?

Raymond Sorry?

Gil Whats your name?

Raymond Youre a charmer arent you?

Gil Whats your name, mate?

Raymond The word mate suggests. Well, that were mates.


You asking my name seems to make it pretty clear
how often weve not met. Sorry to have missed out on
your company.

Goes to leave. Gil blocks his way

Raymond Oh, hello.

Gil Be still. How are you Raymond Le Gendre?

Raymond Um. Little stressed now. Suddenly quite sober. How


are you?

Gil Shut up.

Raymond How comes you know my name? Youre not here to


rob this gaff, are you?

Gil No, Im not

Raymond Youre here for me.


Gil Yes

Raymond Youve come to cut me.

Gil Yes.

Raymond Youve come to kill me.

Gil Yes, I have.

Raymond I dont even know you and youve come to kill me. You
getting paid? Who hates me? What have I done to
him?

Gil You do know me Raymond Le Gendre.

Raymond Where? Where from?

Gil Ive waited so long to have you in this position.

Raymond What have I done to you?

Gil I almost dont know what to do with you. Im so


pleased with meself. Wondering whats the best way
to prolong your suffering.

Raymond I dont even know you!

Gil You took my girl from me right in front of my face.

Raymond Shit!

Gil In my face.

Raymond Does it make a difference that I cant remember her?

Gil Im gonna cut you till I cant see you, and when I cant
see you, Im gonna cut where you was.

Raymond Im gonna die over a bird you never had and I cant
remember fucking.
The Big Lebowski

Walter Over the line?

Smokey Huh?

Walter Im sorry Smokey, you were over the line.

Smokey Bullshit?

Walter Mark it zero, dude.

Smokey Bullshit, mark it eight.

Walter Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame.

Smokey Bullshit, Walter. Mark it eight.

Walter Smokey, this is not Nam, this is bowling, there are


rules.

Smokey Hey Walter, come on, its just a hey man, its
Smokey, so if my toes slipped a little over, you know,
its just a game, man.

Walter This is a league game. This determines who goes on


the next round-robin. Am I wrong?

Smokey Yea, but-

Walter Am I wrong?

Smokey Yea, but I wasnt over. Give me the marker dude, Im


markin it eight.

Walter Smokey, my friend... You are entering a world of pain.

Smokey Walter. Man.

Walter If you mark that frame an eight, you are entering a


world of pain.

Smokey Im not -
Walter A world of pain.

Smokey Well... you know Walter... Im marking it an eight.

Walter Mark it zero.

Smokey No.

Walter Has the whole world gone crazy/ Am I the only


around here who cares about the rules? Mark it
zero.

Smokey Theyre calling the cops, man. Lets put the blades
away.

Walter Mark it zero.

Smokey Lets put the blades away.

Walter Mark it zero.

Smokey Walter?

Walter You think Im fucking around here? Mark it zero!

Smokey Alright, its fucking zero. Are you Happy?

Walter Its a league game Smoke. Am I wrong?

Smokey Actually Walter -

Walter Am I wrong?

Smokey No, Walter youre not wrong- youre just an asshole.

Walter What?

Smokey youre an asshole.

Walter What the fuck are talking about man.


Smokey What the fuck are you Im not believing Im talking
about unchecked aggression here dude.

Walter You want an asshole? Ill show you an asshole. I


can be a fucking asshole.

Smokey Walter, I dont want to fight you again. Im a pacifist.

Walter Ill show you asshole.

Smokey Man, would you just just take it easy, man.

Walter You know, thats youre answer fro everything dude,


and let me point out something look at our current
situation with that camel-fucker in Iraq pacifism is
not something to hide behind.

Smokey Just take it easy, man.

Walter Am I an asshole?

Smokey Yes

Walter Okay then

Smokey Just take it easy.

Walter Im perfectly calm dude.

Smokey Yeah, pulling blades out of your fucking bowling bag.

Walter Im calmer than you are.

Smokey Would you just take it easy.

Walter Im calmer than you are.

Smokey Man.
Blasted
Sarah Kane
(entering hotel room)

Ian Im glad you came. Didnt think you would.

Cate You sounded unhappy.


(looking around the room)
Its lovely.

Ian Ive shat in better places than this. Hate this city. Stinks.

You got a job yet?

Cate Ive applied for a job at an advertising agency.

Ian No chance.

Cate Why not?

Ian Cate, youre stupid. Youre never going to get a job.

Cate I am. I am not.

Ian See.

Cate Stop it. Youre doing it deliberately.

Ian Doing what?

Cate C-Confusing me.

Ian Youre just too thick to understand.

Cate I am not. I am not.

Want to go home now.

Ian There wont be a train.

Cate I dont want to stay.

Ian Please.
Cate Dont want to.

Ian Come down for dinner? Its paid for.

Cate Choke on it.

Ian Sarky little tart this evening arent we?

(Ian goes to kiss her. She pushes him away)

Cate Ian, d-dont.

Ian What?

Cate I dont want to do this.

Ian yes you do.

Cate I dont.

Ian Why not? Youre just nervous thats all.

Cate I t-t-t-t-told you. I really like you but I c-c-c-c-cant do this.

Ian I love you.

Cate you dont

Ian This isnt fair Cate.

Cate What?

Ian Leaving me hanging. Making a prick of myself.

Cate I f-felt...

Ian Dont pity me Cate. You dont have to fuck me cause Im


dying but dont push your cunt in my face then take it away
cause I stick my tongue out.

Cate Im sorry.
Ian Dont bother. Ill be dead soon anyway.

Go on then. Have a pop.

Cate I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d

Ian Come on then.

Ian Easy easy. You dont want an accident. Think about your
mum. And your retard brother. What would they think?

Ian You sleep with someone holding hands and kissing you,
wank me off and then say we cant fuck, get into bed but
dont let me touch you. Whats wrong with you you Joey?

Cate I didnt want to do it. It was hurting. You bit me. Its still
bleeding.

Ian is that what this is all about?

Cate Youre cruel.

Ian Dont be stupid.

Cate Stop calling me that!

Ian I love you.

Cate Stopped loving me. You hurt me.

Cate I used to love you.

Ian whats changed?

Cate You.
Bold Girls
Rona Munro

Cassie Theyre all the same, Marie.

Marie No.

Cassie No, not Michael. Wasnt he just the perfect man, the
perfect saint of a man?

Marie He was no saint.

Cassie He was not.

Marie I never said he was a saint.

Cassie Not much perfect about him.

Marie We cared about each other! We were honest with each


other.

Cassie Honest!?

Marie We were. He was a good man.

Cassie Good!? He was a lying worm like every one of them.

Pause

Marie I think you should go home, Cassie.

Cassie So he told you about it, did he? All the times he made
a fool of you to your face?

Marie Just go now.

Cassie I dont believe you could have kept that smile on your
face Marie, not if he was honestly telling you what he
was up to.

Marie Cassie

Cassie Making a fool of you with all those women.


Pause

Marie I heard the stories. Of course I heard them.

Cassie Did you, though?

Marie He was a great-looking man. He was away a lot. There


were bound to be stories.

Cassie There were books of them, Marie.

Marie But if thered been any truth in them, Michael would


have told me himself.

Cassie Oh, Marie!

Marie Thats trust, Cassie.

Cassie Thats stupidity, Marie. You havent the sense of a hen


with its head off.

Marie Michael would no more lie to me than you would,


Cassie.

Cassie Thats what Im telling you, Marie! We were both lying


to you for years!

Ah, Jesus!

He started it but I followed it through. That was before


Joe was lifted. Even the smell of him was bringing my
dinner up on me. I felt like I was trapped. Michael was
a window. Just a bit of excitement, you know? Im
going to tell you this, Marie. Im tired of keeping it from
you. Im tired of keeping the smile on your face. I knew
it was bad. I knew lying to you was worse. I wanted to
tell you Ive been telling you for four years and you
wouldnt hear me. Are you hearing me now, Marie?
Wed go out in his car. Sometimes we wouldnt do
anything, you know? Just sit and talk. He was great
craic, Michael. And he did always tell you the truth, but
theres only so much of the truth anyone wants to hear.
So there you are. Thats the truth. Now you can tear
the face off me. Marie? Ill put the kettle on.

Marie Get out. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Cassie Well what did you expect? Hed be crazy to talk about
it. If he told you, hed have to change. Theyd sooner
leave than they would change, Marie You didnt want
him to leave.

Marie Hell isnt deep enough for you, Cassie Ryan.


Breathing Corpses
Laura Wade

Ben How hard d'you have to fucking kick her to draw blood?

Kate I didn't -

Ben Show me your shoes / the ones on your feet -

Kate No, I'm not -

Ben So what's this red stuff then, ketchup?

Kate You didn't see me / do -

Ben She's hiding in her basket, scared shitless and she's got
a cut on her side, you've got blood under your toenails,
it's not rocket is it?

I think you should apologise.

Pause

Kate I'm sorry.

Ben To Cameron.

Kate She doesn't unders-

Ben I want you on your fucking knees in front of her.

Kate Fuck's sake. Do I have to bark or will English do?

KATE goes out

Ben You on your knees in there?

KATE comes back.

Kate This is fucking ridiculous. I'm not apologising to the


bloody dog -

Ow, fuck, Ben -


Ben Why do you have to be so fucking -

Kate I-

Ben How did I end up with such a fucking -

Kate Ben -

Ben What, does it, does this hurt?

Kate Yes.

Ben Does it hurt like your fucking fingernails, like boiling


water, like the way you look at me / when you're -

Kate I don't / know -

Ben No, you don't know, you don't fucking know.

You've got to fucking stop, Kate. D'you have any idea


what this fucking does? I never fucking heal, my bruises
have got bruises on them. I'm always -

Kate Leave if you -

Ben I can't fucking -

Kate Fucking leave!

Ben I can't I can't you know I fucking can't I haven't got


anything.

Kate Let me go -

Ben But you're making it really / difficult to -

Kate Fuck you -

Ben If you push me, if you really push me, you know I'm
stronger. I could snap you in two if I wanted to and I don't
want to I really don't want to but this is no way to live,
Kate. It's got to fucking stop.
Ben Are we going to stop or carry on?

Kate Stop.

Ben We're choosing now, we're going to stop this, yeah?

Kate Yeah.

Ben We're going to be like normal people, go out for dinner


and shit, yeah?

Kate Yeah.

Ben You're a fucking bitch but I / love you.

Kate You've got hair in your hand. You pulled a whole clump
out. Fuck that hurt.

Ben This is for you to learn. Go and apologise to Cameron.

Kate What - I backed / down for -

Ben Learn, Kate.

Kate God all-fucking-mighty you're so full of shit. I'm not


apologising to your fucking dog.

Ben You said you were going to -

Kate Fuck you.


Bridesmaids

Annie Are you kidding me? I'm the one who told her about
Paris, Lillian. I told her about the whole idea.

Lillian Annie, calm down.

Annie What - you're going to go? You're going to go to Paris


with Helen now? What, you're going to ride around on
bikes, fucking baguettes in your baskets? Oh how
romantic. What woman gives another woman a trip to
Paris? Lesbian!

Lillian Christ, Annie, have you lost your fucking mind? What
the hell are you doing?

Annie What am I doing? What are you doing? Where have


you been, Lillian? You have no idea what I've been
going through. Ever since you got engaged
everything's turned to shit for me.

Lillian No, you know what? I don't think you even want to be
friends with me. I think you want to have a little pity
party.

Annie Seriously? Seriously? You think I want a little pity


party? A little Pity Party? You're an asshole, Lillian.

Lillian You're an asshole.

Annie You're the asshole!

Lillian Say you're sorry.

Annie No!

Lillian Say it!!

Annie What the fuck, Lillian? Why can't things just go back to
normal? I've been calling you - or what, is Helen
screening your calls now?
Lillian You know what, No! This is supposed to be about my
time. You have managed to ruin every event at my
wedding. Thank you very much.

Not my weave! Not my weave!

Annie Okay, well thank you very much. It's all her fault, not
mine, and you would know that if you got your perfect
fucking weave out of your asshole - I correct myself,
out of Helen's asshole, which I'm sure is perfectly
bleached.

Lillian You know what? It is bleached! And you know how I


know? Because I went to the fucking salon with her
and I got my asshole bleached too. And I LOVE my
new asshole! Why can't you just be happy for me and
enjoy the party and then go home and talk behind my
back later on, like a normal person?

Annie Why would you bleach your asshole? Why would you
do that??

Lillian No champagne for you.


Bridesmaids (2)
Int. CHOLODECKIS,Annie stares at wedding rings in the counter.

Girl Excuse me!

Annie Oh, hi.

Girl Im looking for a birthday gift for my best friend.

Annie Oh.

Girl I want to get her a necklace that says Best Friends


Forever.

Annie Are you sure you want it to say 'forever'?

Girl Yeah, why?

Annie I dont think you guys will be together forever. No


offense, but the friends you have when youre younger,
sometimes you grow apart. Youll get older and maybe
shell find a new best friend. And maybe shell be more
successful than you are, and prettier, and richer, and
skinnier, and they end up doing everything together.

Girl Youre weird.

Annie Im not weird, okay

Girl Yes you are.

Annie No Im not. You started it.

Girl You started it. Did you forget to take your Xanax this
morning?

Annie God, I feel bad for your parents.

Girl I feel bad for your face.

Annie Okay, well call me when your boobs come in.

Girl You call me when yours come in.

Annie You know, you arent as popular as you think you are.

Girl Im very popular.


Annie (miming a blow job) Im sure you are. Very popular.
What, do you have, like, four boyfriends?

Girl Exactly.

Annie Youre going to end up a prostitute and there gonna


stick it in you.

Girl Well thats gonna cost extra.

Annie Yeah okay, well have fun having a baby at your prom.
Yeah I know what you do with that mouth.

Girl I dont even want to know what you do with youre


mouth.

Annie I eat with it, I drink with it.

Girl Well I can smell it. You smell like an old mop.

Annie ...and I talk to little shits like you.

Girl You smell like you ate a turd for lunch. You eat your
own farts.

Annie Farts are not a solid.

Girl Youre an old single loser who is never going to have


any friends.

Annie Youre a little cunt.


The Cable Guy

Steven Listen, Chip...

Chip Just keep your eyes closed. Surprise!!

Steven Chip, you're not listening.

Chip This is your surprise - you like?

Steven How do I put this? I've really enjoyed hanging out with
you, but...

Chip That's why I became a pizza delivery guy. To make friends


like you. Every time Iwalk up to a new door, that door is the
possibility for friendship. When I walked intoyour apartment, I
knew there was something there. I just knew it.

Steven Oh, lord. Look, I want you to know. Where the hell are
we? What are we doinghere?

Chip We are going to do battle on stage, you know -- Spartan


style!? It'll be fun.

Steven What about security? Are we allowed to do this? Is this


legal?

Chip No, but I gave the management team free pizza and they
said it would be cool if we just went at it for a little while.

Steven Is this safe?

Chip That's what the gloves are for.

Steven What are we supposed to do? Shouldn't we have some


choreographed moves or something?

Chip Nah, Jim - that would spoil the fun!

Steven Well, we've got to be careful. We don't want to hurt each


other.
Chip I cannot listen to anymore of your instructions, for you are
my sworn enemy, and areabout to meet your demise!

Steven What the fuck? Just take it easy! What are you doing?

Chip I'm trying to kill you, Jim.

Steven My name isn't Jim - it's Steven. Hey watch it!

Chip This is just like when Spock had to fight Kirk on "Star Trek".
Best friends forced todo battle. That's the spirit. Let's give 'em
a good show!

Steven There's nobody there you freak!

Chip So that's how it's gonna be, huh? All right. Okay, you want to
play rough - sayhello to my little friend.

Steven Chip, this isn't funny! Will you stop it?

Chip The name is Spock. If we don't do battle to the death, they'll


kill us both. Goodbye Jim.

Steven I've told you before - my name isn't Jim, this isn't "Star
Trek", and you're not Tony Mon-fucking-tana!

Chip Wait!

Steven What?

Chip Your shoelace is loose.

Steven What?

Chip Sucker!

Steven Now do you get it? We're not friends Jesus! This is
madness!

Chip This is not madness, this is Sparta!!!

Steven Drop your weapon, Chip. I mean it - I've had enough of


this.
Chip OK! OK man.

Steven You're not listening to me. I don't like you, I'm a


mushroom cloud laying mother-fucker, mother-fucker! Every
time you quote movies I'm super-flying TNT! You'rea storyteller,
you're a fuck! You're an annoying cling-on!!

Chip Jim, I am not a Klingon, I'm Mr. Spock.

Steven Aaarrrgh! I give up!

Chip Well done, good sir. You are the victor. But we shall meet
again. You may havewon the battle but you haven't won the
war.

Steven I've had enough of this!

Chip Jim, wait, that's only Act One. What about Act Two? Jim?
Steven! Hey, I calledyou by your real name, Jim.
California Suite
Neil Simon

Stu One entire morning wasted in Honolulu while five chinese tailors
measured you for a thirty nine dollar Hong Kong suit that fell
apart in the box. Half an afternoon on fisherman's wharf
watching a near-sighted eighty-four year-old artist sketching a
charcoal portrait of you that looked like Charles Laughton. I've
had enough! I want to go home!

Mort How about we just shake hands and forget everything. Come
on, I'll get you a drink. How about a nice Planter's Punch?

Stu Please don't order another Planter's Punch! I'll go crazy if I have
to watch you trying to get your cherry out with your straw again.
Don't do that to me, Mort.

Mort I don't want the cherry! What's your problem with that, you idiot?

Stu Take that back! I want an apology. Either you apologise for
calling me an idiot... or I'll fetch my tennis racket and backhand
you to death.

Mort All right, don't threaten me... I got a little bit more meat on me.
Never threaten somebody who's got more meat on them.

Stu Apologize! I want a nice apology and I want a smile on your


face. You got five seconds. One...

Mort Don't do this Stu

Stu Two...

Mort Don't get physical with me.

Stu Three...

Mort I'll punch you with my fist stu,

Stu Four...

Mort I'm talking about a closed hard fist no, open hands.

Stu Are you going to apologise before I say five?


Mort Say it! Say it! You afraid to say it? I'll say it for you.

Stu I'll say it myself, goddamn you! FIVE

Stu You wanna play, alright let's play, I'll show you a nice little game
called "Kill Your Friend"

Stu I'm swelling up. Jesus, my nose is swelling up like a balloon.

Mort what you crying about? If I could lift my arm I'd hit it again.

Stu you want more? Come on then, you fat water tank.

Stu Get a dentist, I think I'm gonna lose some teeth.

Mort You bit me, oh god you bit me!

Stu I'll bite your goddamned leg off if you don't apologise to me for
calling me a moron.

Mort I didn't call you a moron. I called you an idiot, you crazy bastard.

Stu Let me go! Let me up, you elephant.

Mort I've had enough of you, you crazy little pipsqueak. Don't you
ever bite me again. You could give me a blood disease.

Mort All right, we're not leaving this room until we've made up with
each other. We came here as friends and we're leaving as
friends. Now tell me we're friends you bastard.

Stu I make up. I surrender and make up.

Mort Not like that, like you mean it.

Stu I mean it... I can't breathe. You're cutting off my air.

Mort And tell me you had a good time on our vacation. Tell me!

Stu I had a good time.

Mort And you want to come on another vacation with us next year!

Stu crack my ribs, crush me, I won't say that.


Mort Say it! Say it!

Stu Never!
Captain Blood

Blood Good morning, Levasseur.

Levasseur Bonjour, Monsieur Capitain.

Blood I suppose congratulations are in order. But have you


forgotten there is an article in our agreement forbidding
the taking of women prisoners?

Levasseur That's a foolish article of yours.

Blood I was not aware that you regarded it so when we signed.

Levasseur Would you care to dispute my opinion now? (draws)

Blood Not this morning, thank you. As you say, a foolish article.
Now my Capitain, since you covet what is our joint
property, you may have her. Provided you are willing to
buy her.

Levasseur Buy her?

Blood At the price you yourself put upon her: Twenty thousand
pieces of eight.

Levasseur And where do you suppose I have twenty thousand


pieces of eight?

Blood Then let someone buy her who has.

Levasseur Who has?

Blood I have. Consider this matter settled. Adieu, my captain


partner.

Levasseur You'll not take her while I live.

Blood Then I'll take her when you're dead.

Two breeches in our articles committed by you. You


should be marooned. What I intended for you in the end,
but since you prefer it this way, you mudrake, pray there
be humour in you.

Levasseur Mademoiselle remains with me as an hostage. She


will keep me from growing lonely on this island.

Blood You'd like to keep her for yourself, eh? Well...

Levasseur You know this? It is the Rosary of Pain. It is possible


to screw a man's eyes out of his head.

Blood Your voodoo is wasted on me, you scoundrel!

Levasseur Au contraire, Captain Blood, you are perfect for it!

Blood Up! Up!

Levasseur You are a gentleman, Monsieur. But a foolish one!

Blood And that, my friend, ends a partnership that should never


have begun.
The Canterbury Tales
Geoffrey Chaucer, adapted by Mike Poulton

Palamon In a tower, in anguish and in woe Arcite -

Arcite - and his cousin Palamon


Evermore are locked - no hope of freedom.

Palamon Time passeth, year by year and day by day -

Arcite Until it chanced, upon a morn of May -

Palamon That Emilee walked in the garden as the sun purist.


Ahhhh!

Arcite Fair cousin mine, what aileth thee?


To look so pale and deathly, what d'ye see?
Who made you cry? Who's done you injury?
For God's love, cousin, speak - O speak to me!
And yet I know full well... What could it be
More than our prison - our adversitee?

Palamon It's not this prison maketh me to cry,


But I am hurt indeed, pierced through the eye
And through the heart.
'Twill be the death of me -
The fairness of that lady I can see -
There - in the garden roaming to and fro.
Woman or goddess - how am I to know?

Arcite O Lord what beauty! Now I'm dying too -

Arcite Unless I look upon her every day


I'm dead and gone. What more is there to say?

Palamon Cousin, no more, I know you speak in jest.

Arcite And if I do, may God grant me no rest.


I swear I love her - swear upon my honour -
Palamon (to audience) They strive as did the hounds after the
bone -

Arcite (to audience) Who fought all day then found the bone
was gone.

Palamon False, cousin, false! - What honour hath a traitor?


I saw her first - go ye and find some other -

Arcite Thou art a fool and falser far than I,


For fleshly love I loved her long ere thou.

Palamon I loved her first and told thee all my woe,


For which to me you're bounden as a knight
To help me in my love with all thy might.
Else ye be false - to knighthood and to me!

Arcite What wast thou sayst? Thou dost not know


If she were womankind or some goddess?
Then all thy love is nought but holiness
As one might love the image of a saint.

Palamon Traitor to me - thy cousin and thy brother -


To love my lady who I'll ne'er forsake
Nor never shall, until my heart-strings break.

Arcite My love is human, lusty, not so faint


And feeble, sanctimonious like yours.
Then there's an end: 'All's fair in love and wars.'

Palamon Arcite! Traitor false! To me most wicked!


Thou art the cause of all my pain and woe -
For I am Palamon! Thy mortal foe!

Arcite I must slay you - or else you slay me -


Thou shalt no longer love my Emilee!

Palamon Love if ye list, I love and ever shall -


I tell thee, faithless brother, that is all.

Arcite Each man is for himself then - that's the law


While here, within this prison we endure.
The Champion of Paribanou (1)
Alan Ayckbourn

Ahmed I am the champion of Paribanou who is your sworn


enemy and rival. On her behalf I am here to fight
you. And if necessary, kill you.

Murganah Big speeches. Big words.

Ahmed I am prepared to back them up.

Murganah I could melt that sword in your hands without moving


a muscle. I could wither your arms and crumble the
very bones in your legs. What sort of fight would that
be?

Ahmed It would prove nothing of course. Except that you


lack the courage to fight me fairly and squarely.
Without recourse to tricks.

Murganah You think I couldnt?

Ahmed I think you may be frightened.

Murganah Frightened? Maryam, weve known each other since


we were children. Ive always beaten you. Always. I
beat you with sticks and later I beat you with swords.
Why should things change? Put down your weapon
and kneel and well forget it.

Ahmed I prefer to fight.

Murganah Then youre a fool. I will tell you this. I shall not enjoy
killing you. I loved you but you scorned that love.

Ahmed I have behaved honourably.

Murganah Well, I dont think you have.

Ahmed I have behaved as my duty dictated that I should....


Murganah Youve behaved like a traitor! A traitor to me! And
you will die like a traitor! Very well. Lets finish this.
Im sorry. You leave me no choice.

Good, Ahmed! Good!

To fall for that. You always used to fall for that.

What have you done?

Ahmed Murganah!
The Champion of Paribanou (2)
Alan Ayckbourn

Ahmed Aaaaaaahhh!

Nasuh How many times do I have to tell you?

Ahmed I'll never learn

Nasuh You must learn!

Ahmed I can't. I give up. Alright? I take back what I said.


I'm nobody's Champion. I couldn't possibly be. If this
was a real fight I'd have been dead twenty times
over. What is the point? I'm sorry I give up.

Nasuh Please. For me.

Ahmed The Champion of Paribanoooooooo....

Nasuh Oh dear, oh dear. Oh Ahmed. To fall for that.

Ahmed I'm hopeless.... Every time. Same old trick. I've


never once. Not once.

Nasuh Yes? Come on...come on... Oh Ahmed. What have


you done?

Ahmed Aaah! Not again...Every time!

Nasuh You never learn do you? I believe you may be


frightened.

Ahmed Frightened?

Nasuh Yes, because she's always beaten you. Always. She


beat you with sticks and later she beat you with
swords. Why should things change? Put down your
weapon and we'll forget it.

Ahmed I prefer to fight


Nasuh Then you're a fool

Ahmed I have to believe in myself. I have to believe I can


win.

Nasuh Lets finish this. I'm sorry. You leave me no choice

Ahmed Try me. Come on. Try me

Nasuh Be careful, Ahmed. Being over-confident is almost


as -

Ahmed Don't worry

Nasuh Are you ready?

Ahmed Ready

Nasuh Good, Ahmed! Good! Bravo!

Ahmed Am I a worthy Champion?

Nasuh Truly you are


The Champion of Paribanou (3)
Alan Ayckbourn

Murganah Ahmed.

Ahmed Murganah.

Murganah I see you and your brother no longer have the


breeding to bow or kneel before a Princess.

Ahmed We prefer to choose whom we kneel before.

Murganah I should value that choice whilst you have it. Why
have you come here?

Ahmed I am the champion of Paribanou who is your sworn


enemy and rival. On her behalf I am here to fight
you. And if necessary kill you.

Murganah Big speeches, big words.

Ahmed I am prepared to back them up.

Murganah I could melt that sword in your hand without moving a


muscle. I could wither your arms and crumble the
very bones in your legs. What sort of fight would that
be?

Ahmed It would prove nothing, of course. Except that you


lack the courage to fight me fairly and squarely.
Without recourse to tricks.

Murganah You think I couldnt?

Ahmed I believe you may be frightened.

Murganah Frightened? Ahmed, weve known each other since


we were children. Ive always beaten you. Always. I
beat you with sticks and later I beat you with swords.
Why should things change? Put down your weapon
and kneel and well forget it.

Ahmed I prefer to fight.


Murganah Then you are a fool. I will tell you this. I shall not
enjoy killing you, Ahmed. I loved you, but you
scorned that love. You threw it back in my face. Not
once, but twice. Once with her - and once with your
so-called Lady - Paribanou.

Ahmed I have behaved honourably.

Murganah Well, I dont think you have.

Ahmed I have behaved as my duty dictated that I should.

Murganah Youve behaved like a traitor! A traitor to me! And you


will die like a traitor! Very well. Lets finish this. Im
sorry. You leave me no choice.

Houssain Good. Shes angry. Its good to get her angry.

Ahmed Good for who?

Murganah Good, Ahmed! Good. Oh Ahmed. To fall for that. You


always used to fall for that. Oh Ahmed, what have
you done?

Ahmed Murganah. I will fetch a doctor. Maybe he can

Murganah No, Ahmed. Youve done for me done for me.


Even in death I still love you. Im sorry
Closer (1)
Patrick Marber

Anna Why are you dressed?

Larry Because I think you might be about to leave me. I


slept with someone in New York. A whore. Im sorry.
Please dont leave me.

Anna Why?

Larry For sex. I wanted sex.

Anna Was it. Good?

Larry Yes

Anna Why did you tell me?

Larry I couldnt lie to you.

Anna Why not?

Larry Because I love you.

Anna It's fine.

Larry Really? Why?

Anna Dan.

Larry Cupid? Hes our joke.

Anna I love him.

Larry Youre seeing him now. Since when?

Anna My opening, last year. Im disgusting.

Larry Youre phenomenal... youre so... clever.

Beat
Why did you marry me? Why did you tell me you
wanted children?

Anna Because I did.

Larry And now you want children with him?

Anna Yes. I dont know.

Larry Are you going to live with him?

Anna Yes. You stay here if you want to.

Larry I dont give a FUCK about the spoils. You did this the
day we met; let me fucking hang myself, made me
feel... humiliated, for your amusement. Why didnt
you tell me the second I walked in the door?

Anna I was scared

Larry Because youre a coward. You spoilt bitch. Are you


dressed because you thought I might hit you?

Anna Ive been hit before.

Larry Is he a good fuck?

Anna Dont do this.

Larry Just answer the question. Is he good?

Anna Yes.

Larry Better than me?

Anna Different.

Larry Better?

Anna Gentler.

Larry What does that mean?


Anna You know what that means.

Larry Tell me.

Anna No.

Larry I treat you like a whore?

Anna Sometimes.

Larry Why would that be?

Did you have a bath because you had sex with him?

Anna Yes.

Larry So you dont smell of him? So youd feel less guilty?

Anna Yes.

Larry And how do you feel?

Anna Guilty.

Larry Big fucking deal.

Larry Did you do it here?

Anna Yes we did it here.

Larry Where?

Anna Everywhere.

Larry When did you do it here? ANSWER THE FUCKING


QUESTION.

Anna This evening.

Larry Did you come?

Anna Why are you doing this?


Larry Because I want to know.

Anna YesI came.

Larry How many times?

Anna Twice.

Larry How?

Anna First he went down on me and then we fucked.

Larry Who was where?

Anna I was on top and then he fucked me from behind.


Why is the sex so important?

Larry Because Im a fucking caveman! You enjoy sucking


him off?

Anna Yes.

Larry You like his cock?

Anna I love it.

Larry What does it taste like?

Anna It tastes like you but sweeter.

Larry Thats the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your
honesty. Now fuck off and die. You fucked up slag.
Closer (2)
Patrick Marber

Dan I want Anna back.

Larry She's made her choice.

Dan I owe you an apology. I fell in love with her. My intention


was not to make you suffer.

Larry So where's the apology? You cunt.

Dan I apologize. If you love her, you'll let her go, so she can be
happy.

Larry She doesn't want to be happy.

Dan Everybody wants to be happy.

Larry Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm


their depression. If they were happy, they couldn't be
depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world
and live, which can be depressing.

Dan Anna's not a depressive.

Larry Isn't she?

Dan I love her.

Larry Boo hoo. So do I.

Dan She's gone back to you because she can't bear your
suffering. You don't know who she is! You'll hurt her. You'll
never forgive her.

Larry Of course I'll forgive her. I have forgiven her. Without


forgiveness, we're savages. You're drowning.

Dan You only met her because of me.

Larry Yeah. Thanks.


Dan It's a joke. Your marriage is a joke!

Larry There's a good one. She never sent the divorce papers to
her lawyer. Now, to a towering romantic hero like you, I
don't doubt I am somewhat common, but I am nevertheless
what she has chosen, and we must respect what the
woman wants.

Dan If you go near her again, I swear, I will kill you.

Larry I have patients to see.

Dan When she came here, do you think she enjoyed it?

Larry I didn't do it to give her a nice time. I fucked her to fuck you
up. A good fight is never clean. And yeah, of course she
enjoyed it. As you know, she loves a guilty fuck.

Dan You're an animal.

Larry Yeah? What are you?

Dan You think love is simple. You think the heart is like a
diagram.

Larry Have you ever see a human heart? It looks like a fist
wrapped in blood! Go fuck yourself. You writer!

Larry You go check a few facts while I get my hands dirty.

Dan She hates your hands. She hates your simplicity.

Larry Listen. I spent the whole of the last week talking about you.
I know all your little ways. Anna tells me you fucked her with
your eyes closed. She tells me you awaked in the night
crying for your mother, you mummy's boy. I could go on.
Shall we stop this?

Larry It's over. Accept it. You don't know the first thing about love.

Larry You want my advice? You go back to Alice.


Dan She'd never have me. She's vanished.

Larry No she hasn't. I found her, by accident. She's working in a


club. Yes, I saw her naked. No, I did not fuck her.

Dan You spoke to her? How is she?

Larry She loves you beyond comprehension. Your prescription is


where she works. Go to her.

Larry I really do have patients to see.

Dan Thank you.

Larry For what?

Dan Being kind.

Larry I am kind. Your invoice is in the post.

Larry Dan. I lied to you. I did fuck Alice. Sorry for telling you. I'm
just not big enough to forgive you, buster.
Closer (3)
Patrick Marber

Anna How did you get so brutal?

Alice I lived a little.

Anna Youre primitive.

Alice Yeah, I am. Hows Dan?

Anna Fine

Alice Did you tell him you were seeing me?

Anna No. What are you doing with Larry?

Alice Everything. I like your bed. You should come round one
night, come and watch your husband blubbering into his
pillow it might help you develop a conscience.

Anna I know what Ive done.

Alice His big thing at the moment is how upset his family are.
Apparently, they all worship you, they cant understand
why you had to ruin everything. He spends hours staring
up my arsehole like theres going to be some answer
there. Any ideas, Anna?

Why dont you go back to him?

Anna And then Dan would go back to you?

Alice Maybe.

Anna Ask him.

Alice Im not a beggar.


Anna Dan left you, I didnt force him to go.

Alice You made yourself available, dont weasel out of it.

Anna Screwing Larry was a big mistake.


Alice Yeah, well, everyone screws Larry round here.

Anna Youre Dans little girl, he wont like it.

Alice So dont tell him, I think you owe me that. She even looks
beautiful when shes angry. The Perfect Woman.

Anna JUST FUCKING STOP IT.

Alice Now were talking.

Anna Why now, why come for me now?

Alice Because I felt strong enough, its taken me five months to


convince myself youre not better than me.

Anna Its not a competition.

Alice Yes it is.

Anna I dont want a fight.

Alice SO GIVE IN.

Alice Why did you do this?

Anna I fell in love with him, Alice.


The Collection
Harold Pinter

James Did you have a good time in Leeds last week?

Bill What?

James Did you have a good time in Leeds last week?

Bill Leeds?

James Did you enjoy yourself?

Bill What makes you think I was in Leeds?

James Tell me all about it. See much of the town? Get out
to the country at all?

Bill What are you talking about?

pause

James Aaah. You were down there for the dress collection.
You took some of your models.

Bill Did I?

James You stayed at the Westbury Hotel.

Bill Oh?

James Room 142.

Bill 142? Oh. Was it comfortable?

James Comfortable enough.

Bill Oh, good.

James Well, you had your yellow pyjamas with you.

Bill Did I really? What, the ones with the black initials?
James Yes, you had them on you in165.

Bill In what?

James 165.

Bill 165? I thought I was in 142.

James You booked into142. But you didnt stay there.

Bill Well, thats a bit silly, isnt it? Booking a room and
not staying in it?

James 165 is just along the passage to142; youre not far
away.

Bill Oh well, thats a relief.

James You could easily nip back to shave.

Bill From 165?

James Yes.

Bill What was I doing there?

James (casually) My wife was in there. Thats where you


slept with her.

silence

Bill Well...who told you that?

James She did.

Bill You should have her seen to.

James Be careful.

Bill Mmmmm? Who is your wife?

James You know her.


Bill I dont think so.

James No?

Bill No, I dont think so at all.

James I see.

Bill I was nowhere near Leeds last week, old chap.


Nowhere near your wife either, Im quite sure of that.
Apart from that, I... just dont do such things. Not in
my book.

pause

Bill I wouldnt dream of it. Well, I think that closes that


subject, dont you?

James Come here. I want to tell you something.

Bill Im expecting guests in a minute, you know.


Cocktails, Im standing for Parliament next season.

James Come here.

Bill Im going to be Minister for Home Affairs.

James moves to him

James (confidentially) When you treat my wife like a whore,


then I think Im entitled to know what youve got to
say about it.
Comic Potential
Alan Ayckbourn

Adam I love you, Jacie. I really do. Ive not had a great
deal of experience in these matters but I think what
youre trying to tell me, in a roundabout sort of way, is
that you love me too.

Jacie Am I? Oh Adam, I cant cope with this. I really cant.

Turkey All right! You! Out now!

Jacie What?

Turkey Go on. Get your arse out of here you.

Adam Now just a minute

Turkey (to Adam) Keep out of the way mate. No quarrel with
you. Just the tart. (To Jacie) Come on, unless you
want to feel it. Come on!

Jacie Its all right Adam he wont hurt me.

Turkey Well have a try wont we?

Jacie Get out of here.

Turkey What?

Jacie I said get out. Dont you realise I am trying to have


the first serious conversation I have ever had in my
life and I refuse to be interrupted by you, you third
rate pimp!

Turkey What did you say to me?

Jacie You heard. Leave us alone.

Turkey Youre just about due for surgery, arent you? Learn
a few manners.

Turkey That was stupid. That was so stupid.


Jacie Right! Drop the knife!

Turkey Eh? What is this?

Jacie I said drop the knife punk!

Turkey You first!

Jacie Special vice unit.

Turkey Are you on drugs?

Jacie Im having you mate.

Turkey Stay away from me you mad cow!

Jacie You are well and truly nicked, mister.

Turkey Aaaaah! Easy! Easy!


(forces him towards door)

Jacie And if I see you in here again, youll be talking out of


some alternative orifice, all right? You listening to me
sunshine?

Turkey Yes

Jacie Then get out!

Adam You were wonderful. Where did that one come from?

Jacie Phantom Squad. It was a pilot for a series they


never made. I played Terry. A closet lesbian. She
was blown up by terrorists.
The Confusion
Neal Stephenson (a novel)

Setting: A bog in Connaught, Ireland. 1690. The middle of a battle


between French and Irish Catholics and English and Dutch Protestants.

Characters
Louis Anglesey, the Earl of Upnor: the finest swordsman in England and
owner of English slave girl Abigail Frome
Sergeant Bob Shaftoe of the Black Torrent Guard: beloved of Abigail
Frome and brother of L'Emmerdeur, the Vagabond King, who recently
stole King Solomon's gold

Notes: In the original fight the Earl of Upnor uses a rapier and
dagger and Bob uses a spear.

Earl of Upnor Sergeant Shaftoe, since we met last your brother has
achieved even greater infamy. Now the Battle of Aughrim has
been lost. I am not likely to see the sun rise again. But I can at
least thank Providence that she has placed you in my power,
that I may salvage something of the day by sending the
brother of L'Emmerdeur to Hell.

Bob Shaftoe I phant'sied 'twas you who were in my power.

Upnor removes his cloak and reveals his sword

Bob Not at all chivalrous.

Upnor On the contrary, nothing is more characteristic of the chivalric


classes than to put on armour (draws sword) and go around
ridding the country of rebellious Vagabonds - as your own
cavalry is demonstrating!

Bob Enough talking. I did not come here to make friends with you.

They salute - Bob clumsily and Upnor with subtle sarcasm.

Upnor It's about the girl, isn't it? Abigail, my pretty slave. I had
forgotten.

Bob No, you hadn't.

Upnor Tell me, do you believe killing me will help you repossess her?

Bob Not really. She'll pass to your heirs and assigns, and I will kill
them.

Upnor It is revenge, then.


Upnor points his weapon at Bob.

Upnor In that case you are obligated to pursue me - so I am entitled


to choose the ground. Come over here, Sergeant!

Upnor You hesitate a second time! You could have cut me down
before I jumped across. Hark! Patrick Sarsfield's cavalry is
approaching, I do believe!

Bob Those sound like Danish hooves to me.

Upnor fakes a laugh.

Bob Why are you playing message boy, my lord? Why is not St
Ruth doing his job?

Upnor Because his head was carried off by a cannonball. (yawns) It


is a dull sword fight so far.

Bob Let me across and it will become exciting soon enough.

Upnor No, it is that you lack passion! A Frenchman would have


leaped over by now. Perhaps it would help if I told you I have
fucked your sweet Abigail.

Bob I assumed as much.

Upnor And you... haven't?

Bob It is none of your business.

Upnor It is all of my business, as she is my property, and I broke her


maidenhead with this rapier, just as I am about to break yours
with this one! So do not be coy, Sergeant, I know you have not
enjoyed Abigail. Perhaps you shall, one day. But be sure to
bring some sheep gut. I am afraid that I, or one of my friends,
have given her a nasty social disease.

Bob jumps the ditch and Upnor allows him to then closes swiftly, drawing his
dagger in his left hand.

Upnor Don't look at the poniard, silly man. You must fix your gaze
upon your opponent's eyes - just as Abigail Frome stares into
mine when I am pleasuring her.

Bob attacks, he clearly has planned this first set of moves, Upnor is
surprised.

Upnor You are a cold, cold, cold-blooded knave! I think you do not
care about Abigail at all!

Bob I care enough to win this.

Upnor You have been practising against someone who knows the
rapier. Tell me, did he show you this?

Upnor attacks. He stabs Bob and Bob grabs the weapon.

Upnor Lung?

Bob Liver, or else I could never do this.

Bob spits in Upnor's face.

Upnor Twill be a festering wound then. I will gladly supply you with a
quicker death if you will be so good as to let go of my weapon.

Upnor glances up.

Upnor Sarsfield. Let us finish, I must go to them. When you go to the


next world, tell the angels and demons that we know
everything about your infamous cabal, and that we will have
the gold of Solomon.

Bob What the bloody hell are you talking about?

Upnor peels Bob's hand off his sword and stands, yanking it away.

Upnor You know perfectly well. Now go and do as I have instructed


you!

Upnor goes to stab Bob in the heart, they fight.

Bob kills Upnor.


Coriolanus (remix)
William Shakespeare

Coriolanus
Hail, lords! I am return'd your soldier,
No more infected with my country's love
Than when I parted hence, but still subsisting
Under your great command. You are to know
That prosperously I have attempted and
With bloody passage led your wars even to
The gates of Rome. Our spoils we have brought home
Do more than counterpoise a full third part
The charges of the action. We have made peace
With no less honour to the Antiates
Than shame to the Romans: and we here deliver,
Subscribed by the consuls and patricians,
Together with the seal o' the senate, what
We have compounded on.

Aufidius
Read it not, noble lords;
But tell the traitor, in the high'st degree
He hath abused your powers.

Coriolanus
Traitor! How now!

Aufidius
Ay, traitor, Marcius!

Coriolanus
Marcius!

Aufidius
Ay, Marcius, Caius Marcius: dost thou think
I'll grace thee with that robbery, thy stol'n name
Coriolanus in Corioli?

Coriolanus
Hear'st thou, Mars?

Aufidius
Name not the god, thou boy of tears!

Coriolanus
Measureless liar, thou hast made my heart
Too great for what contains it. Boy! O slave!

Aufidius
Fix thy foot.

Coriolanus
Let the first budger die the other's slave,
And the gods doom him after!

Coriolanus
Cut me to pieces, Volsces; men and lads,
Stain all your edges on me. Boy! False hound!
(If you have writ your annals true, 'tis there,
That, like an eagle in a dove-cote, I
Flutter'd your Volscians in Corioli:
Alone I did it. Boy!)

Aufidius
Insolent villain!

Aufidius
My lords, when you shall know--as in this rage,
Provoked by him, you cannot--the great danger
Which this man's life did owe you, you'll rejoice
That he is thus cut off. Please it your honours
To call me to your senate, I'll deliver
Myself your loyal servant, or endure
Your heaviest censure.
The Count of Monte Cristo (1)
(Betrayal)

Edmond Fernand, Ive been arrested for treason! I managed


to escape... When we were on Elba, Napoleon gave
me a letter. I didnt tell you, because he made me
promise not to. He said it was just a note to an old
friend, but the bastard lied to me! He lied. It was to
one of his agents. Somehow the authorities found
out. I dont know what to do, there are gendarmes on
horseback right behind me.

Fernand Alright, we just have to think.

Edmond I hope I havent compromised you. I was hoping your


father could help me?

Fernand Hes in Paris. Hes very ill. How far back are the
gendarmes?

Edmond Minutes.

Fernand Do you need money?

Edmond Yes, thank you.

Fernand Do you have a pistol?

Edmond Of course not.

Fernand Good.

Edmond Stop it Fernand, I dont have time for this!

Fernand I saw Napoleon give you that letter.

Edmond It was you!

Fernand Well, it wasnt just me it was dAnglars idea.

Edmond Why didnt you come to me first?


Fernand Well why did you keep it a secret from me? I thought
you were my friend.

Edmond I told you, I gave Napoleon my word. He lied to me!

Fernand I know Edmond. I read the letter.

Edmond You read the Why are you doing this?

Fernand Oh, its complicated.

Edmond Complicated?

Edmond finds a weapon.

Fernand Dont be ridiculous.

Edmond Get out of my way.

Fernand I cant let you go, Edmond.

They fight.

Fernand Get away from the window.

They fight.

Fernand Dont make me take off your hand.

Edmond Why? In Gods name, why?

Fernand Because youre the son of a clerk. And Im not


supposed to want to be you. I told you it wasnt
always going to be this way, Edmond.
Count of Monte Cristo The (2)
(Revenge)

Fernand Monte Cristo.

Edmond Kings to you, Fernand.

Fernand Edmond.

Edmond How did I escape? With difficulty. How did I plan this
moment? With pleasure.

Fernand Youve taken my wife. My fortune.

Edmond And everything else. Except your life.

Fernand Why are you doing this?

Edmond Its complicated. Lets just say its vengeance. For the
life you stole from me.

They fight.

Fernand I see someone has taught you the sword.

Edmond How did you ever call yourself my friend?

Fernand We were friends, Edmond.

Edmond You sent me to hell. Why?

Fernand Take your vengeance. But know that any blood you
spill of mine is noble blood that will never run
through your veins. Youre no more a Count than I
am a commoner!

Edmond cant bring himself to kill him.

Fernand You dont have it in you.

Edmond Just go. Call it mercy.


Fernand You know I couldnt live in a world where you have
everything and I have nothing.

Edmond Itll take more than that to stop me.

Fernand Then Id best put it where itll do the most good.

Fernand What happened to your mercy?

Edmond Im a count, not a saint.


The Court Jester
Sylvia Fine

Black Fox Tails of Lizards, Ears of swine,


Chicken gizzards soaked in brine,
To be the Fox, you dont need a cap
All you need to do is..Clap, Slap, Rap, Tap, Sn..

Ravenhurst enters and bumps into the Fox

Ravenhurst You, watch where youre going.

Black Fox Sorry, sir.

Ravenhurst Sorry, if you were of noble blood Id... but Ill not
deign to soil my blade with your common blood.

Black Fox Please dont hurt me.

Ravenhurst Perhaps the Black Fox will save you. Hes the hero
of the common people isnt he?

Black Fox I dont know sir.

Ravenhurst Well, whos the deadliest blade in England?

Black Fox You, sir.

Ravenhurst No, fool. Well, actually, yes. But if I meet the Black
Fox I shall kill him like that! (Snaps fingers)

Black Fox Will you now?

Ravenhurst The Black Fox!

Black Fox Aye, the Black Fox. Play games with me will you.
Your life isnt worth that. (Snaps fingers)
Ravenhurst Now my gallant Fox, well see whose life isnt worth
that.

Black Fox We shall indeed. Be you king or peasant, my blade


shall find its mark.

Ravenhurst Ill cut you to ribbons like that. (Snaps fingers)

Ravenhurst Well, our game draws to an end. Now you shall die
and you shall die like that. (Snaps fingers) Do you
have a twitch?

Black Fox I twitch for action.

Ravenhurst You swine. I shall crush you like that!

Black Fox Well, Ravenhurst, your time is up. I shall have you
like that. (Snaps fingers)

Ravenhurst Like that, eh? (Snaps fingers)

Black Fox Yes, like that. (different hand movement)

Ravenhurst I die like that. (Snaps fingers)


Cymbeline (IV, 2)
William Shakespeare

Cloten Soft! What are you


That fly me thus? Some villain mountaineers?
I have heard of such. What slave art thou?

Guiderius A thing
More slavish did I neer, than answering
A slave, without a knock.

Cloten Thou art a robber,


A law breaker, a villain: Yield thee, thief.

Guiderius To who? To thee? What art thou? Have not I


An arm as big as thine? A heart as big?
Thy words, I grant, are bigger; for I wear not
My dagger in my mouth. Say, what thou art;
Why I should yield to thee?

Cloten Thou villain base,


Knowst me not by my clothes?

Guiderius No, nor thy tailor, rascal,


Who is thy grandfather; he made those clothes,
Which, as it seems, make thee.

Cloten Thou precious varlet,


My tailor made them not.

Guiderius Hence then, and thank


The man that gave them thee. Thou art some fool;
I am loathe to beat thee.

Cloten Thou injurious thief,


Hear but my name, and tremble.

Guiderius Whats thy name?

Cloten Cloten, thou villain.


Guiderius Cloten, thou double villain, be thy name,
I cannot tremble at it; weret toad, or adder, spider,
Twould move me sooner.

Guiderius To thy further fear,


Nay, to thy mere confusion, thou shalt know
Im son to the queen.

Guiderius Im sorry fort; not seeming


So worthy as thy birth.

Cloten Art not afeard?

Guiderius Those that I reverence, those I fear; the wise;


At fools I laugh, not fear them.

Cloten Die the death:


When I have slain thee with my proper hand,
Ill follow those that even now fled hence,
And on the gates of Luds town set your heads:
Yield, rustick mountaineer.
Dangerous Beauty
Screenplay by Jeannine Dominy, Book by Margaret Rosenthal

Marco Tell me. How do you manage to write so poetically of


emotions youve never felt?

Veronica Thats why God invented poetry, isnt it? To imagine


what we may not know.

Marco You, see Ramberti? No man inspires this Venuss


eloquence.

Ramberti Is not imagined yearning yearning just the same?

Marco Hers is an unencumbered mastery of form.

Maffio Mastery? Mastery? Shes not a poet. The only form


shes mastered is a whores. I didnt think uncle was
capable of getting it up. What do you have to do to
get him to publish this little pile of ditties when the old
fart wont give the time of day to his own flesh and
blood?

Veronica Work for it.

Maffio Ill bet she worked for it. You want her to work for you
Marco, just pay the lady. Shell come. Thats her job.
What do you cost these days, Veronica? What would
it take for you to come and work for me?

Veronica If your cock is as limp as your verse, no price could


possibly purchase time enough.

Derisive laughter. Maffio furiously draws his rapier and lunges for
her. He is stopped by Marco.

Marco Maffio!

Maffio Just making a point cousin.

Marco Very brave, cousin. What would that point be?

Maffio (To Marco) Im sorry.


(To Veronica) Im sorry, I apologise

He stumbles away. Veronica approaches Marco, as if to say


something, but instead snatches his sword from its hanger. She
approaches Maffio from behind, and lifts his sword from its hanger
with the tip of hers. He turns, surprised.

Veronica Have you the guts to try again,


blade to blade and pen to pen?

Maffio Madonna Veronica, veritably unique whore


May sing and rhyme and more
Shes still at best a slut
For every horny mutt.

Veronica Though I hold a poets pen


And discourse with learned men
I am still a woman born
And cannot escape your scorn.

Maffio You pride yourself on arts and letters


And fucking best your manly betters.

Veronica I save the goodly wives of Venice


From their husbands lustful menace.

Maffio Then you confess you love to rut


And your beauties gladly strut.

Veronica I confess I fuck divinely


Those who love and well opine me.

Maffio I confess I fuck divinely


Those who richly wine and dine me.

Veronica On the page or on the sheet


Youll never find a tongue more sweet.

Maffio A pox-riddle monster


On the body politic.

Veronica I foretell the rotting pillars


Of your privilege, hypocrite.
Maffio You fight like a sailor

Veronica I learned from a sailor. Now stop stalling.

Maffio What cost to greet with open legs


All comers to your busy beds?

Veronica A heart and mind and soul as you


But not the weakness you imbue.

Maffio A greedy hand and empty heart


Is all that wrests your legs apart.

Veronica And if, my friend, they part for you,


Would you know quite what to do?

Maffio Id fill the void with natures spite,


And make you love your whorish plight.

Veronica To arms, to the battlefield,


You do all women false.
I shall show the gentle sex
What their silence costs.
Ever and abominable war man wages
Against himself in sweet loves rages,
That in the end he neither love nor trust
His beloveds heart stained by his own lust.
Death Becomes Her

Helen You were a home wrecker, a man-eater and a bad actress! Oh


my God! Its alive.

Madeleine Shes dead. These are the moments that make life worth living.

Helen That was totally uncalled for.

Madeleine You took the potion.

Helen You took the potion too.

Madeleine I hardly needed it.

Helen So thats why you look the way you do.

Madeleine When did you take it anyway?

Helen October 26th, 1989. Way before you.

Madeleine How much did you pay?

Helen Everything I had, but it was worth it.

Madeleine Youre a fraud, a walking lie, and I can see right through you.

Helen On guard, bitch!

Madeleine You shouldnt compete with me. I always win.

Helen You may have always won, but you never played fair.

Madeleine Who cares how I played - I won.

Helen You couldnt raise an eyebrow now without major surgery.

Madeleine Ive raised a lot more than that in my time, you cheap, phoney,
hollow bitch.

Helen Yeah? Well, youve lost your one and only talent.

Madeleine Which was one more than you had, you former fatso.

Helen Yes... no... oh damn!


Madeleine Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is pointless. We cant hurt
each other. We cant even inflict pain.

Helen Pain! Ill tell you about pain. Bobby OBrien, Scott Hunter,
Ernest Menville - thats pain. They loved me. They were all I
had and you took them away from me. Not because you loved
them. Not because you cared, but just to hurt me. You hurt me
on purpose.

Madeleine That is not true!

Helen Liar!

Madeleine Yeah? Did you think I was blind? Did you think I was deaf? I
couldnt hear what you and your snotty little friends were saying
about me behind my back? You thought I was cheap!

Helen Oh, please. Youre insane.

Madeleine How come you never invited me to one of those parties at your
parents house?

Helen Because we didnt think youd feel comfortable. It wasnt usual


for us to have

Madeleine Yeah? Trash in the house?

Helen Youre avoiding the issue. You stole my boyfriends to hurt me


on purpose.

Madeleine I did not!

Helen Did!

Madeleine Did not!

Helen Did!

Madeleine Did not!

Helen Admit it

Madeleine No! You admit it! You look me in the eye and admit you thought
I was cheap.

Helen Okay, I thought you were cheap!

Madeleine Yeah, well, I hurt you on purpose and Im really sorry.

Helen Im sorry too.


Madeleine Well, weve got it out of our systems.

Helen I envied you.

Madeleine I envied you.

Helen Thats so sweet of you.

Madeleine Coffee?

Helen Yeah.
Design For Living
Noel Coward

Otto Hello, Leo.

Leo You!

Otto Yes. I couldnt bear it any longer, so Ive come back.

Leo When - When did you arrive?

Otto Last night.

Leo You stayed here?

Otto Yes.

Leo With Gilda?

Otto Yes.

Leo I see.

Otto Im not even sorry, Leo, except for hurting you.

Leo How vile of you! How unspeakably vile of you both!

Otto It was inevitable. I arrived unexpectedly; you were


away; Gilda was alone. I love her; Ive always loved
her - Ive never stopped for a minute, and she loves
me, too.

Leo What about me?

Otto I told you I was sorry about hurting you.

Leo Gilda loves me.

Otto I never said she didnt.

Leo What are we to do now?

Otto Do you know, I really havent the faintest idea.


Leo Do you honestly believe I could ever look at you again,
as a real friend?

Otto Until the day you die.

Leo Shut up! Its too utterly beastly - the whole thing.

Otto Its certainly very, very uncomfortable.

Youre not hating me nearly as much as you think you


are. Youre hating the situation: thats quite different.

Leo You flatter yourself.

Otto No. Im speaking from experience.

Leo I wish I could aspire to such a sublime Gods-eye view!

Otto You will - in time - when your acids have calmed down.

Leo Id like so very much not to be able to feel anything at


all for a little.

Im desperately tired.

Otto You want a change.

Leo It seems as if Im going to get one whether I want it or


not.

Otto Oh, Leo, you really are very, very tender!

Leo Otto.

Otto What is it?

Leo Look.

Otto Gilda!

Leo Of course.
Otto Shes gone!

Leo Wed better open them, I suppose.

Otto Yes, I suppose we had.

Leo What does yours say?

Otto Goodbye, my clever little dear!

Leo Thats what mine says. I feel sick.

Otto Have some Sherry?


The Devils Advocate

Kevin You set me up in there. I cant believe I didnt see it.


Putting Cullen on the stand knowing he was guilty.
Using those pictures. Pulling out the stops on Mr
Gettys. Im gonna call the AG and report you.

Milton Dont do that Kevin. Dont be such a fucking chump!!

Kevin What did do you to Mary Ann?

Milton You were right about one thing. Ive been watching. But
Im no puppeteer, Kevin. I dont make things happen.
Doesnt work like that.

Kevin Whatd you do to Mary-Ann?

Milton Free will. Its like butterfly wings. Once touched, they
never get off the ground. I only set the stage. You pull
your own strings.

Kevin If you dont tell me what you did to Mary-Ann.

Milton Are you threatening me?

Kevin Goddamit, what did you do to my wife?!

Milton Well, on a scale of 1-10.where one is your average


married Friday night fuck and ten is the most depraved
act of sexual theatre known to man.Mary-Ann and
I only managed about a 7.

Kevin YOU BASTARD!!

Phrase 1

Milton Got me! Thats it, step it up son! Hold onto the fury!

Kevin What are you?

Milton Me, Im lawyer.


Kevin Youre Satan. Mary-Ann knew it, thats why you
destroyed her.

Milton Youre blaming me for Mary-Ann? You could have


saved Mary-Ann anytime you wanted. All she needed
was you to love her.

Kevin Thats a lie!!

Phrase 2

Milton Face it, you started looking to better-deal her the


moment you got her.

Kevin Thats not true. You dont know what we had.

Milton Stop deluding yourself.

Phrase 3

Milton That day on the subway, what did I say to you? What
were my words to you? Maybe its just your time to
lose.

Kevin Lose? I dont think so!

Phrase 4

M or K I rest my case.
The Devil's Law-Case
John Webster

Contarino Youll not forgo your interest in my mistress?

Ercole My sword shall answer that; come, are you ready?

Contarino Before you fight, sir, think upon your cause;


It is a wondrous foul one, and I wish
That all your exercise, these four days past,
Had been employd in a most fervent prayer,
And the foul sin for which you are to fight
Chiefly rememberd int.

Ercole Id as soon take


Your counsel in divinity at this present,
As I would take a kind direction from you
For the managing my weapon; and indeed,
Both would show much alike.
Come, are you ready?

Contarino Bethink yourself,


How fair the object is that we contend for.

Ercole O, I cannot forget it.

Fight

Contarino You are hurt.

Ercole Did you come hither only to tell me so,


Or to do it?

Contarino Your cause, your cause, sir:


Will you yet be a man of conscience, and make
Restitution for your rage upon your deathbed?

Ercole Never, till the grave gather one of us.

Fight

Contarino That was fair, and home, I think.


Ercole You prate as if you were in a fence-school.

Contarino Spare your youth, have compassion on yourself.

Ercole When I am all in pieces! I am now unfit


For any ladys bed; take the rest with you.

Contarino I am lost in too much daring. Yield your sword.

Ercole To the pangs of death I shall, but not to thee.

Contarino You are now at my repairing or confusion;


Beg your life.

Ercole O most foolishly demanded!


To bid me beg that which thou canst not give. (faints)

Prospero See, both of them are lost; we come too late.

Romelio Take up the body and convey it


To Saint Sebastians monastery.

Contarino I will not part with his sword; I have wont.

Julio You shall not.


Take him up gently: so, and bow his body,
For fear of bleeding inward.
Well, these are perfect lovers.

Prospero Why, I pray?

Julio It has been ever my opinion,


That there are none live perfectly indeed,
But those that hang or drown themselves for love.
Dinner
Moira Buffini

Sian It was five times actually. Once in her teens, once when
she lost her baby, once when she heard about me, once
when she was diagnosed with cancer and once more on
our wedding day. Poor old Mags. Attempting suicide; bit
of a habit really.

Hal Jesus, you have no loyalty, do you?

Sian Said the serial adulterer.

Hal You dont know what you're talking about.

Sian Have I dared to speak of the beloved Mags? Oh forgive


me Im not worthy to mention her precious name.

Hal You know I used to think Paige was the biggest bitch Id
ever met but Paige is an amateur compared to you.
Shes like a yappy little pug to your slavering hyena.

Sian Do you know something Hal? You want to watch it

Hal Oh Do I?

Sian Because your rapidly turning into one of the undead.

Hal Pardon?

Sian You suck the life you of the living like a dried up
pusillanimous Bluebeard.

Hal And you are a praying mantis / You want to fuck me

Sian Why dont you stop feeling sorry for yourself / and get on
with your life?

Hal Then pull off my head and devour it with your talons like
you did to that lobster.

Sian I didnt fuck the lobster


You stupid sad old man.
Hal Could you kill someone with a lobster?

Sian Only if it was poisoned.

Hal And was it?

Sian No.

Hal Shame.

Sian What did you say?

Hal Nothing.

Sian What did you fucking say, Hal?

Hal I was making a joke.

Sian Well Im on the floor.

Hal Sian.

Sian What?

Hal I am not undead.

Sian And Im not a fucking predator. Im your wife, you lucky


cunt.

Hal Why do you have to undermine me in front of my friends?

Sian Because you dont shape up Hal, you do not fucking


shape up.

Hal Then why did you throw your self at me? Im your
husband.

Sian No.

Hal What do you mean no? I effing married you didnt I?


Sian No! I dont know who you are. I dont even know what job
you do.

Hal Just you

Sian Who the fuck are you Hal?

Hal Ive told you about my.

Sian I need a drink.


Dogs Barking
Richard Zajdlic

Neil Well?

Alex Well?

Neil Pregnant.

Alex Thats right.

Neil Three months.

Alex Its not you.

Neil How do you know?

Alex You pulled out?

Beat

Neil What about the flat?

Alex Option one, well sell it, split the proceeds.

Neil How about this? You sign the transfer form. Handing the
flat over to me. All of it.

Alex What?

Neil Ill get the form.

Alex Were going to sell the flat -

Neil You cant sell it unless I agree and I dont. Wont. Not
ever. Youve got a nice big house with Ben now, Alex,
youve got to leave me something. Its five years of my
life -

Alex Which you wasted.

Neil Not if you give me this. Here (Neil tries to hand Alex a
pen and the from. Alex backs off)
Alex no way.

Neil I gave you Ben, didnt I? Youve got exactly what you
want now sign the fucking form. (Neil grabs hold of
Alexs arm)

Alex Get Off.

Neil Youre going to sign this, Alex.

Alex No!

Neil You fucking sign it! Ill get another. I brought some
spares.

Alex Get off me!

Neil Heres whats going to happen. I gave you to my friend


to fuck and now youre going to give me this flat.

Alex This is stupid. Keep off me.

Neil You owe me.

Alex You cant make me sign anything.

Neil No?

Neil Cmon Alex, I dont wanna hurt you, lets just have some
fun. How longs it been? This is the kind of scenario you
always talked about isnt it? I bet youre just wet thinking
about it. Is that right, babe? Are you nice and wet? (Neil
stuffs his hand down Alexs tracksuit pants) Oh my god,
you are loving it! Youre absolutely dripping - look! (Neil
brings his hand forth and holds it out dripping with
blood). Oh my God!

Alex Oh Christ, No. Ive got to get to a hospital.

Neil Sign the form.

Alex What?
Neil Sign the form first. Youre not going 'til youve signed it.
Youll lose your kid. Whats more important?

Alex Neil, please!

Neil Sign the form.

Alex Give me a pen. (Alex signs)

Neil OK, lets go. Its OK. Youll be alright.


Don Juan's Wantons
Jeff Goode

Amorada Aha!

Querida Amorada! What are you doing here?

Amorada After you left I followed you from my bedchamber down


to the servants' quarters. Then across the hall to the
other servants' quarters and out through a window onto
the lawn and down to my father's stables, where you
stole a carriage and raced across town and into the
arms of another!

Querida But I took side streets. No one could have followed


me.

Amorada You underestimate the ability of a woman in love to


cling to the underside of a moving carriage.

Querida What are you? One of Don Juan's whores?!

Amorada If I am a whore then what does that make you? An


ageing whore?

Querida Oh you insolent little skin biscuit! Defend yourself!

What kind of a woman are you?

Amorada I will give you a hint: I'm a fighter!

Querida I don't know who you are, but you will never love him
the way I do!

Amorada Not for another thirty year at least.

Amorada Oh!

Querida So! Do you yield?

Amorada That's kind of a personal question.

Querida No, I mean, do you admit defeat?


Amorada But I don't understand. I haven't been defeated!
Besides, my father is a commander and I have five
older sisters, I have been defending myself at sword
point since you were a mere crone.

Querida I may not have your youth and lost innocence. But you
do not have the desperation of a woman who has
married badly and longs for a lover's touch.

Amorada I long too!

Querida Not long enough!

No you brazen hussy! The price of your defeat is this;


that you must leave this place at once, forsaking his
love forever.

Amorada Never! I would rather die than forswear that for which I
live. In fact, given the choice it might be quite nice to
die in his arms.

Querida What?!?! Get out of his arms! You will die over there. If
anyone deserves death in his embrace, it is me, for his
love has wounded me deeper than the longest and
thickest dagger.

Amorada I am the one who was defeated! I am the one who gets
to die in his arms!!

Querida Over my dead body!

Amorada Why do I always lose?

Querida And now prepare to die!

Amorada I welcome its cruel embrace. I'm used to it!


The Duellists

DHubert I have an order to convey to you from the General.


You are to report immediately to your quarters, and
remain there under close arrest.

Feraud What did you say?

DHubert I believe you heard my message.

Feraud Yes, damn you, I heard your message. Under arrest


for what?

DHubert You did fight a duel this morning?

Feraud Of course.

DHubert You make duelling like a pastime in the Garden of


Eden.

Feraud Damn you, man.

DHubert I am only a messenger, that must be obvious to you. I


had no end of trouble finding where you were.

Feraud And I suppose you think I should be grateful to you


for taking the trouble to find me?

DHubert Frankly, I think you ought to be. Try to calm yourself.

Feraud Calm myself?

DHubert I do advocate it most earnestly.

Feraud Your duty is to victimise me. Am I mistaken? You


chose to hunt me out, and

DHubert Sir, I can assure you the hunting was no choice of


mine.

Feraud You have insulted me. You have insulted me!


DHubert Ive strained my patience in order not to do so.

Feraud I demand an apology.

DHubert Oh please, this is to ridiculous

Feraud Too ridiculous? Tut, tut a proper Generals poodle.


Can you fight?

DHubert I see no reason for us to fight.

Feraud What reason would you like? Shall I spit in your face?
Shall I cut a chunk out of your backside or would that
be too ridiculous? How do you get out now, eh?
Through the window?

DHubert I believe you are really quite a mad man.

Feraud You draw your sword. You draw your sword or by


God Ill chase you down the street like a chicken.

DHubert You will chase me nowhere. I would be delighted to


fight you at the first opportunity

Feraud You will fight now.

DHubert But at this moment I am here on duty and you are


under arrest

Feraud Now!

DHubert for duelling, you ape!


Edward the Second
Christopher Marlowe

Mortimer The prince I rule, the queen do I command


Now is all sure: the queen and Mortimer
Shall rule the realm; and none rules us.
Mine enemies will I plague, my friends advance
And what I command who dare control?
The trumpets sound, I must go take my place

Edward Villain!

Mortimer Ho, now, my lord!

Edward Think not that I am frightened with thy words!


My fathers murdered through thy treachery;
And thou shalt die

Mortimer What traitor have we there with blades and bills?


Art thou king? Must I die at thy command?

Edward Had you loved my father half so well as I,


You could not bear his death thus patiently.
But you, I fear, conspired with the Queen

Mortimer I think it scorn to be accused.


Who is the man dares say I murdered him?

Edward Traitor! In me my loving father speaks,


And plainly saith, twas thou that murderdst him

Mortimer But has your grace no other proof than this?

Edward I can bring forth the man you sent


Thou knowest that the king is slain
And so shalt thou be too.

Mortimer I feared as much; murder cannot be hid.


False Gurney has betrayed both me and himself.
As for myself, I stand as Joves huge tree
And others are but shrubs compared to me.
All tremble at my name, and I fear none
Lets see who dare impeach me for his death.
Edward Accursed Head. If I could have ruled thee then as I
do now,
Thou hadst not hatched this monstrous treachery
Erik the Viking

Helga Have you done this sort of thing before?

Erik Me? Of course! I've been looting and pillaging up and


down the coast.

Helga Looting and pillaging, eh?

Erik Yes.

Helga What about the raping?

Erik Shut up.

Helga It's obvious you haven't raped anyone in your life.

Erik Sh!

Helga Do you LIKE women?

Erik Of course I like women... I LOVE 'em.

Helga You don't love ME.

Erik No... right... this is RAPE... Mark you, I'm not saying I
couldn't get to like you... in fact... well, to be quite
honest, I prefer it when there's some sort of mutual
feeling between two people...

Helga What rape?

Erik No. It isn't rape then, is it?

Helga Oh, get it over with.

Erik I don't suppose... no...

Helga What?

Erik I don't suppose you... you DO like me at all?


Helga What d'you expect? You come in here, burn my
village, kill my family and try to rape me...

Erik I'll kill you if you say anything about this to anyone.

Helga About raping me?

Erik About NOT raping you...

Helga You DON'T like it, do you?

Erik Well it just seems a little bit crude, that's all.

Helga What about the killing and looting? That's just as


crude, isn't it?

Erik Oh well you've GOT to do them.

Helga Why? Why have you got to go round killing and


looting?

Erik To pay for the next expedition, of course.

Helga But that's a circular argument! If the only reason for


going on an expedition is the killing and looting and
the only reason for the killing and looting is to pay for
the next expedition, they cancel each other out.

Erik Oh! Stop talking as if we were married!

Helga Well you started it.

Erik I just said I didn't feel like raping you.

Helga And I was just saying that rape is no MORE pointless


or crude than all the killing and looting that goes on.

Erik Scream.

Helga Ah.

Erik Louder.
Helga Aaagh! Rape!

Erik Oh, thanks


Excalibur

Arthur Move aside! This is the Kings road, and the knights
you joined arms against were his very own.

Lancelot I await the King himself. His knights are in need of


training.

Arthur I am the King, and this is Excalibur, Sword of Kings


from the dawn of time. Who are you? What do you
seek?

Lancelot I am Lancelot of the Lake from across the sea, and I


have yet to find a King worthy of my sword.

Arthur Thats a wild boast. You lack a knights humility.

Lancelot Not a boast sir, but a curse! I have never met my


match in joust or duel.

Arthur Move aside!

Lancelot I will not. You must retreat or prove your worth in a test
of arms under the eyes of God.

Arthur Then may He give me the strength to knock you down


and send you with one blow back across the sea.

Lancelot Then come across, sir. Yield, sir, I have the


advantage.

Arthur I will not! Fight me! Your avoidance mocks me.

Lancelot I sought only not to harm you. Your rage has


unbalanced you! You, sir, would fight to the death.
Against a knight who is not your enemy. For a stretch
of road you could easily ride around.

Arthur So be it. To the death! Excalibur! I call on your


power.
Fair Maid of the West
Thomas Heywood

Roughman How many times brave words bear out a man!


For if he can but make a noise, he is feard.
To talk of frays, although he ne'er had heart
To face a man in field, that is a brave fellow.
I have been valiant, I must needs confess,
In street and tavern, where there have been men
Ready to part the fray; but for the fields,
They are too cold to fight in.

Bess You are a villain, a coward; and you lie.

Roughman You wrong me, I protest. Sweet courteous


gentleman,
I never did you wrong.

Bess Wilt tell me that?


Draw forth thy coward sword, and suddenly,
Or as I am a man Ill run thee through
And leave thee dead ithfield.

Roughman Hold, as you are a gentleman. I have taen an oath


I will not fight today.

Bess Thast took a blow already and the lie;


Wilt not both these enrage thee?

Roughman No, would you give the bastinado too,


I will not break mine oath.

Bess Oh, your name is


Roughman.
No day doth pass but you hurt or kill.
Is this out of your calendar?

Roughman You are deceivd.


I neer drew sword in anger, I protest,
Unless it were upon some poor, weak fellow
That neer wore steel about him.

Bess Throw your sword.


Roughman Here, sweet young sir; but as you are a gentleman,
Do not impair my honour.

Bess Tie that shoe.

Roughman I shall, sir.

Bess Untruss that point.

Roughman Anything this day to save mine oath.

Bess Enough. Yet not enough. Lie down,


Till I stride oer thee.

Roughman Sweet sir, anything.

Bess Rise; thou hast leave. Now, Roughman, thou art


blest.
This day thy life is savd; look to the rest.
Take back thy sword.

Roughman Oh, you are generous; honour me so much


As let me know to whom I owe my life.

Bess I am Bess Bridges brother.

Roughman Still methought


That you were something like her.

Bess And I have heard


You domineer and revel in her house,
Control her servants, and abuse her guests,
Which if I ever hereafter hear,
Thou art but a dead man.

Roughman She never told me of a brother living,


But you have power to sway me.

Bess But for I see you are a gentleman,


I am content this once to let you pass;
But if I find you fall into relapse,
Bess The second is far more dangerous.
Roughman I shall fear it.
Sir, will you take the wine?

Bess I am for London,


And for these two terms cannot make return;
But if you see my sister, you may say

I was in health
Roughman (aside)Too well, the devil take you!

Bess Pray use her well, and at my coming back


Ill ask for your acquaintance. Now, farewell.
Fallen Angels
Noel Coward

Jane Im extremely hungry, Julia.

Julia So am I. Ravenous. Shall we have a cocktail?

Jane It isnt very wise, is it? On empty stomachs?

Julia Cocktails please, Saunders, strong ones!

Jane Julia! I shall never forget your face, when after all,
the plumber arrived.

Julia I dont believe he will ever come.

Jane Neither do I. If Maurice had any instincts at all hed


arrive at this moment, looking marvellous.

Julia Hes sure to have got fat, or bald, or something.

Jane No, hell be the same as ever; he wouldnt come at all


if he werent. Hes much too conceited.

Julia Not conceited, a little vain perhaps, naturally.

Jane With those eyes, you cant blame him.

Julia And those hands -

Jane And teeth -

Julia And legs! Oh, Jane!

Jane Oh, Julia! I shall give in without a murmur.

Julia Then hed want me more.

Jane What do you mean by that?

Julia What I say.

Jane How dare you, Julia?


Julia How dare I what?

Jane Insult me.

Julia I didnt.

Jane Yes, you did. You insinuated I was brazen.

Julia Well, so you are.

Jane Youll live to regret that remark.

Julia Ive never seen you violent before. Its quite


interesting psychologically.

Jane I could bring you down to earth in one moment if I


liked.

Julia Vulgarity always leaves me unmoved.

Jane Go - go - go away!

Julia I certainly shall - and it may interest you to know that


Im going straight to Maurice.

Jane Liar! Liar!

Julia Im not lying. Its true. And I shall go with him at


once. And you can go to hell, the whole lot of you.
The Feigned Courtesans
Aphra Behn

Enter PETRO, dressed like a French Fencing-master

Petro Signior Barberacho has sent me to teach you de art of


fencing.

Tickletext Stay sir, stay,- let me ask you some few questions
first, for sir I have played at back-sword and could have
handled ye a weapon as well as any man of my time in the
University.

TICKLETEXT gravely goes to PETRO

Tickletext Hum hum Mr Monsieur pray what are the guards


that you like best?

Petro Monsieur, eder de quart or de tierce, dey be both French


and Italian; den for your parades, degagements, your
advancements, your eloignements and retirements: dey be
de same.

Tickletext Cart and Horse what new-found inventions and


words have we here,- Sir, I would know, whether you like St
Georges guard or not.

Petro Allons Monsieur, mettez-vous en guard! Take de


fleurette!

Tickletext Well, sir, come your ways?

Petro Set your right foot forward, turn up your hand so dat be
de quart now turn it dus and dat be de tierce.

Tickletext Hocus pocus, hicksius doxius - here be de cart and


here be de horse why, whats all this for, ha sir and
wheres your guard all this while? Come, come, sir, I must
instruct you I see come your ways sir -
Petro Attendez attendez un peu,- thrust de right hand and de
right leg forward together

Tickletext Aye marry sir, thats a good one indeed! What shall
become of my head then, sir, what guard have I left for that
good Mr Monsieur, hah?

Petro Ah morbleu, is not dis for every ting?

Tickletext No marry it is not, sir, St Georges guard is best for the


head whilst you live,- as thus sir

Petro Dat sir, ha ha dat be de guard for de back-sword.

Tickletext Back-sword sir, yes, back-sword, what should it be


else?

Petro And dis be de single-rapier.

Tickletext Single-rapier with a vengeance, theres a weapon for


a gentleman indeed; is all this sir about single-rapier?

Petro Single-rapier! What would you have for de gentleman, de


cudgel for de gentleman?

Tickletext No sir, but I would have it for de rascally Frenchman


who comes to abuse persons of quality with paltry single-
rapier.- Single-rapier! Come sir, come,- put yourself in your
cart and your horse as you call it, and Ill show you the
difference.

Undresses himself till he appears in a ridiculous posture.

Petro Ah Monsieur me shall run you two three times through de


body, and den you break-a me head, what care I for dat:-
(aside) pox on his ignorance.

Tickletext Oh ho sir, do your worst, sir, do your worst, sir.

They put themselves into several guards, and TICKLETEXT beats


PETRO about the stage.
Petro Ah monsieur, monsieur, will you kill-a me?

Tickletext Ah monsieur where be your carts now and your horse,


Mr Monsieur, hah? And your single-rapier, Mr Monsieur,
hah?

Petro (aside) If I be not revenged on him, hang me.


A Few Good Men
Aaron Sorkin

Kaffee Colonel, there's something I don't understand: You said


you told Lt. Kendrick to order his men not to touch Capt.
Santiago.

Jessep That's right. I felt that Santiago's life might be in danger. I


told Markinson that I wanted that boy transferred off the
base immediately.

Kaffee Any chance Kendrick ignored the order?

Jessep No.

Kaffee When Kendrick ordered the platoon not to touch


Santiago, any chance they ignored him?

Jessep Have you spent any time at all in an infantry unit, son?
We follow orders. We follow orders or people die. It's that
simple.

Kaffee Even if the order is illegal?

Jessep Boy, I'd love to know what in the world qualifies you to
pass judgement on me.

Kaffee If you gave the order that Santiago wasn't to be touched,


and your orders are always followed, then why would he
be in danger, why would it be necessary to transfer him
off the base?

Jessep Private Santiago was a sub-standard marine. He was


being transferred off the base because -

Kaffee But that's not what you said. You said he was being
transferred because he was in grave danger.

Jessep I know what I said. I don't need it repeated back to me


like I'm a damn -

Kaffee Then why the two orders?


Jessep Sometimes men take matters into their own hands.

Kaffee No sir. You made it clear that your men never take
matters into their own hands. Your men follow orders or
people die. So Santiago shouldn't have been in any
danger at all, should he have, Colonel?

Jessep You little bastard.

Kaffee I'd like an answer to my question, Sir. If Kendrick told his


men that Santiago wasn't to be touched, then why did he
have to be transferred?

Jessep Dammit, Kaffee! You want answers?

Kaffee I want the truth.

Jessep You can't handle the truth!

Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls


have to be guarded by men with guns. I have a greater
responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for
Santiago and you curse the marines. You have that
luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know:
that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives.
And my existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

Kaffee Kendrick ordered the Code Red, didn't he? Because


that's what you told Kendrick to do. And Kendrick follows
orders, or people die, right? And when it went bad you
cut these guys loose.

Jessep You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places
you don't talk about, you want me on that wall. You want
me there. You use words like 'honour', 'code', 'loyalty'...
we use those words as the backbone to a life spent
defending something. You use them as a punchline.

Kaffee Did you order that Code Red?

Jessep I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain


myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket
of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner
in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said thank you and
went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a
weapon and stand your ground.

Kaffee Did you order the Code Red?

Jessep You're goddamn right I did.

Kaffee Colonel Jessep, you have the right to remain silent. Any
statement you do make can be used against you in a trial
by court-martial or other judicial or administrative
proceeding. You have the right...

Jessep What the hell..? I'm being charged with a crime? That's
what this is?

Kaffee You had Markinson sign a phony transfer order. You


forged the log books. You ordered the doctor to say it
was poison so it wouldn't look like a Code Red -

Jessep I'm gonna tear your eyes right outta your head and piss
in your dead skull. You fucked with the wrong marine.

Kaffee You trashed the law. But we understand. You're


permitted. You have a greater responsibility than we can
possibly fathom -

Jessep I saved lives. That boy was - there was a weak link. I
saved lives, you hear me?

Kaffee The walls must be defended and no-one's gonna stand in


your way of doing it. Not Willy Santiago, not a thousand
armies, not the Uniform Code of Military Justice. That's
the truth isn't it, Colonel? I can handle it!

Jessep You fuckin' people. You have no idea how to defend a


nation. All you did here today was weaken the country.
That's all you did. You put people in danger. Sweet
dreams, son.
Kaffee Don't call me son. I'm a lawyer, and an officer of the
United States Navy. And you're under arrest you son-of-
a-bitch.
Fight Club
Screenplay by Chuck Palahniuk & Jim Uhis

Tyler Do you know what a duvet it?

Jack Comforter.

Tyler It's a blanket, just a blanket. Now why do guys like you
and I know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our
survival? In the hunter- gathered sense of the word?
No. What are we then?

Jack You know, consumers.

Tyler Right. We're consumers. We're by-products of a


lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty - these
things don't concern me. What concerns me is
celebrity magazines, television with five hundred
channels, some guy's name on my
underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.

Jack Martha Stewart.

Tyler Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polish is on the brass of


the Titanic. It's all going down, man! So fuck off, with
your sofa units and your green stripe patterns. I say
never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let's
evolve and let the chips fall where they may. The
things you own, end up owing you. But do what you
like, man.

Jack (looks at his watch)Oh, God, it's late. Hey, thanks for
the beer.

Tyler Yeah, man.

Jack I should find a hotel...

Tyler A hotel?

Jack Yeah.

Tyler Just ask it, man.


Jack What are you talking about?

Tyler Three pitchers of beer and you still can't ask.

Jack What?

Tyler You called me so you could have a place to stay.

Jack Hey, no, no, no

Tyler Yes you did. Just ask. Cut the foreplay and just ask,
man.

Jack Can I stay at your place?

Tyler (indifferently)Yeah.

Jack ...Thanks.

Tyler But I want you to do me one favor.

Jack Yeah, sure.

Tyler I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Jack What?

Tyler (talking very slow)I want you to hit me as hard as you


can.

Jack Well, what do you want me to do? You want me to hit


you?

Tyler C'mon, do me this one favour.

Jack Why?

Tyler Why? I don't know why. I don't know. Never been in a


fight, you?

Jack No, but that's a good thing.


Tyler No, it is not! How much can you know about yourself if
you've never been in a fight? I don't want to die without
any scars. Come on, hit me, before I lose my nerve.

Jack This is crazy.

Tyler So go crazy. Let 'er rip.

Jack I don't know about this.

Tyler I don't either. Who gives a shit? No one's watching.


What do you care?

Jack This is crazy, you want me to hit you?

Tyler That's right.

Jack What, like in the face?

Tyler Surprise me!

Jack This is so fucking stupid!

Jack swings a wide, clumsy roundhouse -- hits Tyler's ear --


makes a dull, flat sound.

Tyler Oh! Motherfucker! You hit me in the ear!

Jack Well, Jesus, I'm sorry!

Tyler Ouch! Why the ear, man?

Jack Aw, I fucked it up!

Tyler No, that was perfect!

Tyler shoots out a straight punch to Jack's stomach. Jack falls


back against a car. His eyes tear up. Tyler moves closer to him to
see if he's ok.

Jack Nah, it's alright. That really hurts.

Tyler Right.
Jack Hit me again.

Tyler No, you hit me! Come on!

Tyler punches Jack in the stomach again. Tyler and Jack move
clumsily, throwing punches. They breathe heavier, drooling saliva
and blood, growing dizzier from every impact.

Jack We should do this again sometime.

Jack Where's you car?

Tyler What car?


Firebird
Phil Davies

Tia Let me out of here! Open the door now! Yerd better let
me out of here or I swear to god! Let me out!

AJ Tia? Its me, its AJ. I need you to calm down.

Tia I dont give a toss what you need. Let me out of here!

AJ Just calm down. I'm Coming in, okay? Easy, yeah?

(AJ enters)

I'm just gonna lock the door and then I'm gonna make
sure you're okay, yeah?

Tia You left me on my own! I needed you but where were


yer?

AJ Tia, you're bleeding. Whats happened?

Tia Swear to yer, as soon as you open that door Im out of


here and Im gunna smash his face in. Im gunna-

AJ Who?

Tia You know who. Graham. You left me on my own with him!
I said last time I dint want him near me and you said
okay and now youve gone back on another promise
and..-

AJ I was only gonna be gone a minute.

Tia Let. Go. Of. Me.

AJ Calm down!

Tia Get your hands off me!

AJ Tia, just stop!

Tia Where were yer? With yer fat-bitch wife? Playing


mummies and daddies were yer? I hope she loses that
baby, the -

AJ Take that back.

Tia Youre worse than them.

AJ Its' a disgusting thing to say. Take it back.

Tia Why should I?

Tia You know what's disgusting? Having that nasty stinking


pig Graham on top of yer. Having his sweat dripping all
over yer. He were digging his big girly nails into me, right
into the flesh, and he were doin it on purpose. I tried to
stop him but I couldn't move my arms. He were wiping
blood on my top and laughing -

AJ Don't worry about that. We'll get you some new tops.

Tia I were screaming for him to get off me but he just kept
doing it and laughing at me.

AJ So you smashed a bottle in his eye.

Tia Good. I told you not to let him come near me ever again.

AJ What am I supposed to do? I didn't know he was gonna


come.

Tia Yes you did because he paid yer. He told me. How much
has he give yer?

AJ What you on about.

Tia Don't lie to me, AJ! He said it himself. You knew he were
coming so don't lie.

AJ It was out of my hands. Nowt I can do about it.

Tia How can you do this you -

AJ Get off!
Tia Using me to pay your debts you-

AJ Quit it you stupid cow!

Tia Im going straight to the police when I get out of here.

AJ You think Im scared? What are they gonna do?

Tia Arrest you.

AJ Like last time? You know the score. Itll be you who gets
banged up for whorin yourself out.

Tia Ill tell em what Graham done. Ill show em.

AJ Do it! Hes white, theyll arrest him. Think theyre gonna


touch me? Too scared to arrest a Paki.

Tia Not when I tell em what what you done.

AJ You know what, forget it. I got plenty of other girls lined
up. Plenty. Much prettier than you an all. So go on. Get
out.

Look at the state of you. I'm gonna have to tell them all
the party's cancelled. Do you know how that's gonna
make me look?

Tia Let them in then. Im sorry. AJ. Please. Let them in.

AJ Clean yourself up.


Fool for Love (1)
Sam Shepard
May Im gonna kill her, ya know.

Eddie Who?

May I am. Im gonna kill her, and then Im gonna kill you.
Systematically. With sharp knives. Two separate
knives. One for her and one for you. Im gonna torture
her first though. Not you. Im just gonna let you have
it.

Eddie I kept thinkin about you. Kept seein you. Sometimes


just a part of you.

May Which part?

Eddie Your neck.

Eddie There wasnt any fling with any Countess!

May Youre a liar.

Eddie I took her out to dinner once, okay.

May HA!

Eddie Im takin you back, May.

May Im not going back to that idiot trailer, if thats what you
think.

Eddie Im not lettin go of you this time, May.

Eddie You want me to go?

May No.

Eddie I came to see if you were all right.

May I dont need you.

Eddie Okay. Fine.

May Dont go
May Dont you touch me, dont you even think about it.

May You can take it, right. Youre a stuntman.


Fool For Love (2)
Sam Shepard

Eddie we've got a pact.

May Oh, god.

Eddie We made a pact.

May There's nothing between us now!

Eddie Then what're you so excited about?

May I'm not excited.

Eddie You're beside yourself.

May You're driving me crazy. You're driving me totally crazy!

Eddie You know we're connected, May. We'll always be


connected. That was decided a long time ago.

May Nothing was decided! You made all that up.

Eddie You know what happened.

May You promised me that was finished. You can't start that
up all over again. You promised me.

Eddie A promise can't stop something like that. It happened.

May Nothing happened! Nothing ever happened!

Eddie Innocent to the last drop.

May Eddie - will you please leave? Now.

Eddie You're gonna find out one way or the other.

May I want you to leave.

Eddie You didn't want me to leave before.


May I want you to leave now. And it's not because of this man.
It's just -

Eddie What.

May Stupid. You oughta know that by now.

Eddie You think so, huh?

May It'll be the same thing over and over again. We'll be
together for a little while and then you'll be gone.

Eddie I'll be gone.

May You will. You know it. You just want me now because I'm
seeing somebody else. As soon as that's over, you'll be
gone again.

Eddie I didn't come here because you were seein' somebody


else! I don't give a damn who you're seeing! You'll never
replace me and you know it!

May Get outa here!

Silence

Eddie All right.

May Eddie -

Eddie You're a traitor.

May Eddie!!
Frankenstein
Nick Dear

Victor My God! Muscular coordination - hand and eye -


excellent tissue - perfect balance! I failed to make it
handsome, but I gave it strength and grace.

Creature You ran away.

Victor What?

Creature You abandoned me.

Victor It speaks!

Creature Yes, Frankenstein. It speaks.

Victor You know my name?

Creature Why did you abandon me!

Victor I was terrified - what had I done?

Creature Built a man, and given him life!

Victor Well, now I have come to take it away!

Creature (Laughing) Oh, have you?

Victor I have come to kill you!

Creature To kill me? Why then did you create me?

Victor To prove that I could!

Creature So you make sport with my life?

Victor In the cause of science! You were my greatest


experiment - but an experiment that has gone wrong.
An experiment that must be curtailed!

Creature Be still, Genius! I have a request.


Victor Damn you, you cant have requests!

Creature Oh, I can! Listen to me. Its your duty.

Victor Ive no duty to a murderer!

Creature If Im a murderer, you made me one!

Victor You killed my brother! You did it, not me!

Creature I want a female, built like me.

Victor A female!

Creature You alone have the power to -

Victor Create another brute- another monster! No, I will not, I


-

Creature It is my right!

Victor You have no rights. You are a slave!

Creature I have been hunted like a rat! Beaten and whipped!


This is all your doing!

Victor I curse the day when you drew breath. Since then I
have lived in darkness. And now so will you!

Creature Give me a female!

Victor No, I will not. Torture me as much as you like, Ill never
consent!

Creature I could torture you. But I will reason with you. Isnt that
what we do? Have a dialogue!

Victor There is no dialogue with killers!

Creature Now you have what you came for.


Girl, Interrupted
Screenplay by James Mangold, Anna Hamilton Phelan, Lisa Loomer

Lisa Im going to Florida tomorrow.

Daisy Really, Wotcha gonna do in Florida?

Lisa Im gonna be a professional Cinderella at Walt Disneys


new theme park. You can come if you want. You could be
that little spaniel that eats spaghetti. I want pancakes.

Daisy Theres a market on the corner. (offers money). For the


pancakes. Dont wake me in the morning, I like to sleep
late. Ill come down when Im ready. Give me the Valium.

Lisa I dont need your Daddys money.

Daisy Well, leave it there then. Just give me the fucking Valium.

Lisa Whats this?

Daisy Let go.

Lisa Trying out your new silverware?

Daisy I said let go.

Lisa Less appealing for Daddy, huh?

Daisy Look at your own arm, asshole.

Lisa Im sick, Daisy, you know that. But here you are in so-called
recovery, fucking cut up like a goddamn Virginia ham.

Daisy Will you just stop it?

Lisa Help me out here Daise, I thought you didnt take Valium.
Tell me you dont drag that blade across your skin and pray
for the strength to press down. Tell me Daddy doesnt help
you cope with that. Illuminate me.

Daisy My father loves me.


Lisa Ill bet he does. With every inch of his manhood.

Daisy Im going to bed now, please be gone in the morning.


Youre just jealous Lisa, cos I got released.. Because I got
better, because I have a chance. At a life.

Lisa They didnt release you cos youre better Daisy. They just
gave up. You call this a life, Daisy? Taking Daddys money.
Eating his chicken, fattening up like a prize porker?
Everyone knows he fucks you, what they dont know..

Daisy Shut the fuck up!

Lisa IS that you like it!

Daisy But hey, thats OK, Its only natural. Happens to all of us.
The Girl's Guide to Saving the World
Elinor Cook

The train tracks.

Bella Look at me!

Jane Jesus. What are you doing? Climb back up here OK?

Bella Nope. Not moving. Not until the very last moment.

JANE climbs down and tries to physically pull BELLA away.

Jane Get off the tracks.

Bella You know what I remember? It was you. The one who
used to make me do this. You.

Beat

Jane I know.

Bella You goading and pushing and cajoling and bullying.

Jane I grew up.

Bella You got scared.

Jane Maybe I did. But so did you.

Bella So scared that you - You decided to opt for the ultimate
get-out clause. The most convincing excuse not to
have to commit to anything. Ever.

Pause

Toby told me.

Pause

Got a nice springy bun in the oven yet?


Congratulations.
Jane You don't know anything about that. Seriously.

Bella Look I'm sorry to be blunt. I know I'm being kind of


harsh and sorry about that - But you are so -

Jane Did you hear what I just said?

Bella So cocooned. In your muggy, over-decorated little -


With your CAT.

Jane You have no idea what is happening in my life.

Bella You've made a choice. That's cool.

Jane Because you don't want to know.

Bella You've decided to opt out of Fear. Of Truth. By stuffing


wads and wads of loo roll in your ears and wrapping
yourself in a zillion woolly cardigans doused in your
boyfriend's aftershave.

Jane Because you can't admit even to yourself that you


have completely abandoned everything you believe in.
Because you're terrified.

Bella Why don't you stay down here with me, Jane?
Remember how good it used to feel?

Jane You're not doing it because it feels good. You're doing


it because you want attention.

Bella Remember when you pissed yourself? Your mum was


so disgusted -

Jane 'LOOK AT ME! TELL ME I'M SPECIAL! SLATHER ME


WITH PRAISE!

Bella You're the one who's so afraid of putting a foot wrong


that she never, ever dares to say what she really
thinks.

Jane That's not true.


Bella Who doesn't even know what she really thinks.

Jane I'm sick of this. I don't have to prove anything to you.

Bella You want to prove yourself. So do it. There's a train


coming. Show me.

Jane I don't have to prove myself to anyone.

Bella SHOW ME.

Jane I don't have to get your approval. I don't have to feel


afraid of you.

Bella The tracks. They're humming.

Jane I'm sick of putting everyone else first. I'm sick of


apologising and second-guessing and tiptoeing. Are
you listening to me?

Bella Jane I can't move.

Jane I want you to tell me you can hear me.

Bella Jane PLEASE -

Jane IS EVERYONE LISTENING TO ME? CAN YOU HEAR


ME?
The Great Race (1)
Screenplay by Blake Edwards & Arthur A. Ross

Baron Well, Mr. Leslie. What a pleasant surprise. I half


expected to see you again, but not with a sword in
your hand. You prefer the foil?

Leslie Not particularly. It happened to be convenient.

Baron I presume you know how to use one?

Leslie I hope that wont be necessary.

Baron Im sure you do.

Leslie Will you release Mr. Bois and the others?

Baron No.

Leslie Im afraid this will be necessary.

Baron Youre being very foolish.

Leslie Thats an assumption, Baron. You make me the


victim before we even start.

Baron Its your life.

Leslie Youre assuming again. En garde.

Baron Very adroit Mr. Leslie. Very skilled. My compliments,


Mr. Leslie, you use the foil very well.

Leslie Thank you Baron. So do you.

Baron Personally, I prefer a mans weapon. How are you


with a sabre?

Leslie Theres only one way to find out.

Baron Mr. Leslie (salutes him).

Leslie Running away Baron?

Baron As a very wise English gentleman once said, He


who fights and runs away, may live to fight another
day. So, until another day Mr. Leslie, please excuse
me. I have a boat waiting.
The Great Race (2)
Screenplay by Blake Edwards & Arthur A. Ross

Leslie Good afternoon.

Suffragette Good afternoon. Such a pleasure to be granted an


audience with the great Leslie.

Leslie Its simply Leslie, and Im at your service.

Suffragette Im rather thirsty. Do you have something cold?

Leslie I have champagne.

Suffragette Im a reporter.

Leslie A reporter?

Suffragette You disapprove.

Leslie No Lets say Im a bit surprised.

Suffragette Well, lets be honest and say you disapprove. A


woman doing a mans job is competitive, both
sexually and economically. You want to know why
Im here. I want to report the race. And I want to be
in it. Its as simple as that.

Leslie Well, its hardly that simple, but lets discuss it,
shall we?

Suffragette All right. Lets discuss the whole thing fully and
completely, right from the beginning. Do you want a
wife, a companion? Or just a woman?

Leslie There are certain things we shouldnt discuss.

Suffragette Why? Men discuss their relationships with women.

Leslie Gentlemen dont.

Suffragette But Im not a gentleman. Im a woman.


Leslie Indeed you are.

Suffragette Then say it. Whats expected of me?

Leslie There are certain things that should remain implicit


between men and women.

Suffragette Why?

Leslie Because thats the way its been for thousands of


years and I see no reason to change I am a
creature of habit.

Suffragette Equality real equality of the sexes bothers you,


doesnt it?

Suffragette I can speak, read and write Russian, French and


Arabic.

Leslie So can I, plus 5 other languages.

Suffragette I can drive any car there is.

Leslie So can my valet.

Suffragette I won the Womens International Fencing


Competition. En guarde.

Leslie Very well... Now if youd won the Mens International


Fencing Competition

Suffragette Wait! Now well talk this out.

Leslie Now if youll excuse me.

Suffragette Youre afraid. Youre afraid of a real woman!... Ill


show you. Ill enter the race myself. Ill enter my own
car. And Ill beat you. And another thing
Greek (1)
Steven Berkoff

Eddy One coffee please.

Waitress Right. Cream?

Eddy Please. Where is the butter so I might spread it


lavishly and feel its oily smoothness cover the jagged
edges of the croissant?

Waitress Aint got none. Theres a plague on.

Eddy Then why serve me the croissant knowing you had


no butter?

Waitress Ill get you something else.

Eddy Ill have a cheesecake, whats it like?

Waitress Our cheesecakes are all made from the nectar of the
gods mixed with the dextrous fingers of a hundred
virgins who have been whipped with bulrushes grown
by the banks of the Ganges.

Eddy OK, Ill have one Ive finished the coffee now and
wont have any liquid to wash the cake down with.

Waitress Do you want another coffee?

Eddy Not want but must not want but have to/you took so
long to bring the cake that I finished the coffee so
bring another

Waitress OK.

Eddy But bring it before I finish the cheesecake or Ill have


nothing to eat with my second cup, which I only really
want as a masher for the cheesecake.

Waitress OK So he came all over your dress

Waitress 2 Yeah.

Waitress Dirty bastard;


Waitress 2 It was all thick and stringy it took ages to get off/he
was sucking me like a madman when my mum
walked in.

Waitress No. What did she say?

Waitress 2 Dont forget to do behind her ears/she always forgets


that.

Waitress I wish my mum was understanding like that/ I havent


sucked a juicy cock for ages, have you?

Waitress 2 No, not really, not a big horny stiff thick hot pink one.

Waitress Whats the biggest youve ever had?

Waitress 2 Ten inches.

Waitress No!

Waitress 2 Yeah, it was all gnarled like an oak with a great big
knob on the end.

Waitress Yeah?

Waitress 2 And when it came, it shot out so much I could have


wallpapered the dining room.

Eddy Wheres my fucking coffee? Ive nearly finished the


cheesecake and then my whole purpose in life at this
particular moment in time will be lost/ Ill be drinking
hot coffee with nothing to wash it down with.

Waitress Here you are, sorry I forgot you!

Eddy About fucking time!

Waitress Oh shut your mouth, you complaining heap of rats


shit.

Eddy Ill come in your eyeballs you putrefying place of


army gang bang.
Waitress You couldnt raise a gallop if I plastered my pussy all
over your face, you impotent pooftah bum boy and
turd bandit.

Manager Whats the matter, that you raise your voice you punk
and scum/fuck off!

Eddy No-one talks to me like that.

Manager I just did.

Eddy Ill erase you from the face of the earth.

Manager Ill cook you in a pie and serve you up for dessert.

Eddy Ill tear you all to pieces, rip out your arms and legs
and feed them to the pigs.

Manager Ill kick you to death and trample all over you/stab
you with carving knives and skin you alive.

Eddy Hit hurt crunch pain stab jab.

Manager Smash hate rip tear asunder render.

Eddy Numb jagged glass gouge out.

Manager Chair breakhead split fist splatter splosh crash.

Eddy Explode scream fury strength overpower overcome.

Manager Cunt shit filth remorse weakling blood soaked.

Eddy Haemorrhage, rupture and swell. Split and cracklock


jawsprung and neck break.

Manager Cave-in rib splinter oh the agony the shrewd icepick.

Eddy Testicles torn out eyes gouged and pulled, strings


snapped socket nail scrapped.

Manager Bite swallow suck pull.

Eddy More smash and more power.

Manager Weaker and weaker.


Eddy Stronger and stronger.

Manager Weak.

Eddy Power.

Manager Dying.

Eddy Victor.

Manager Thats it.

Eddy Tada.
The Hard Man
John McGrath and Jimmy Boyle

BYRNE enters

Byrne Bandit, Bandit!

Bandit Johnny, whats wrong with your hand. Youre


bleeding. Christ whats been happening, youre
soaked in blood. Wait, Ill get a towel

Byrne Its all right Bandit

Bandit Its not all right at all.

Byrne Its not my blood. I havent got a mark on me.

(to audience) A new dimension had entered my life.


A new reality had opened up for me. Violence. It
was inevitable. Sometimes violence has a reason on
the streets - its political, or religious, or a junkie
killing for drugs - either a reason or an excuse. But in
the world that I come from, violence is its own
reason. Violence is an art form practised in and for
itself.

Bandit Bayonet

Byrne Hammer

Bandit Chains

Byrne Bottle

Bandit Blades

Byrne Screwdriver

Byrne Argh! You bastard!

Bandit Baseball bat!

Bandit As long as it makes a mark.


Byrne Very nice Bandit. Youre getting good. Time I was
away.

Bandit Johnny, before you go, theres a couple of things you


need to deal with.

Byrne What are you talking about?

Bandit Im talking about those two wankers up in Hackney


who are ripping off our dealers and you, youre letting
them get away with it!

Byrne Are you wanting your face smashed in?

Bandit You can smash my face in if you want to Johnny, but


itll not get you anywhere. Because youre slipping.

Byrne What?!

Bandit The word is youre losing your touch. Im just


thinking about your reputation.

Byrne Aye, well maybe theres something in what you say.


But I dont like your way of fucking saying it!

(to audience) And you soon get to know your


audience and what impresses them. You cut a man
and somebody asks you How many stitches?
Twenty, you say and they look at you - Twenty,
only twenty? Christ, you hardly marked him. The
next time you cut a man you make a bit more certain
it will be news.
The Harlot and the Hypocrite
Jeff Goode

Outside a bawdy parlour. Enter from the harlots house, HARRIET


HARLOWE and ABBOTT FILCHER, after an assignation.

Harriet Tis a business doin pleasure with ye, Abbot Filcher.

Filcher Little more business than it used to be.

Harriet I said I was sorry about that rate increase. Its the
times, dont ye know? I gave you the clergymens
discount, didnt I?

Filcher Aye, but I dont like to mix business and pleasure.


(draws a dagger) So Ill be wantin a refund.

Harriet Abbot Filcher!

Filcher No offense, Harriet, but as a man of God, it wouldnt be


seemly to be seen coming and going with a known
bawd. Now, hand me over the money.

Harriet Would ye deprive me of me livelihood?

Filcher Would you deprive the village orphans of their hard-


earned Christian charity?

Harriet Dont tell me ye robbed from the waifs to give to the


whores? I dont like to tell a man his own business,
Abbot Filcher, but: "Thou shalt not steal."

Filcher And I dont like to tell a harlot hers, but: "Less teeth,
more tongue."

Harriet Ye wouldnt be crying "dissatisfaction" now, after the


howlin I just gave ye? Tis a slander! And Ive a
reputation to upkeep.

Filcher Your reputations but slanders to begin with, Harriet.


You oughta be used to it by now.

Harriet Oh!
Filcher Now if you dont mind, Ill have my refund. And Ill be
by once a week to collect the churchs share o your
doings and absolve you of your sins. Tis a sinful
establishment youre runnin. And in such a God-
fearing community, Im the one man can make sure
yere not excommunicated for it. And then burned as a
witch.

Harriet I am no witch!

Filcher And I will do my best to convince my parishioners of


that. But its going to cost ye thruppence on the shilling.

Harriet So thats how it works, is it? Ye hold our souls over our
heads. And we pay through the nose to get em back.

Filcher I dont care what ye pay through. Just as long as ye


pay timely.

Harriet Doesnt the good book say, "Thou shalt not commit
extortion"?

Filcher The Holy Scriptures are strangely silent on the subject


of protection money. (pointedly) But they are very clear
on witches.

Harriet Well, if thats how its gonna be, then Im right glad I
decided to steal your other pouch while you were lost
in the throes of carnal ecstasy.

Filcher Other pouch?

Harriet The one where you keep the gemstones youve


extorted from the Jewellers Guild.

Filcher Theres no proof of that!

Harriet People are such terrible gossips, Abbot. They moan all
manner of half-truths when they're caught up in a fit of
passion. Especially a jeweller. Our very own Abbot
soliciting donations from hardworking goldsmiths,
under threat of excommunication...
Filcher Shut up, harlot! They gave me those willingly. Every
one of em.

Harriet I dont doubt it. Under pain of purgatory, what man


wouldnt divest himself of all his worldly treasures?

Filcher I admit I may have overstepped in my zealousness.


But if you let me have my stones again, I will see that
they are returned to their rightful owners. I can promise
you that.

Harriet I suspect your promises are as good as the air theyre


written on.

Filcher I wont forget, youll see.

Harriet Not after I take these gems back to the jewellery


district this afternoon. And go on a spending spree.

Filcher Butbutthe jewellers

Harriet I know. Theyre not going to be happy to see where


their moneys gone. But look to the bright side. Its
going to be harder now to hold their souls hostage. I
dont believe anyones ever been excommunicated by
a defrocked lecher.

Filcher Harriet, please! You will bankrupt me.

Harriet No, Abbot, you were quite bankrupt enough before ye


came to see me.

Filcher Please, no! As you believe in angels and miracles,


have mercy, sweet Harriet!

Harriet Thats enough. I would think with a knife at your throat,


you could be less tedious.

Filcher What will ye kill me?

Harriet Now, why would I do that, Abbot? You just became my


best customer.
Henry IV pt 1
William Shakespeare

Hotspur If I mistake not, thou art Harry Monmouth.

Prince Hal Thou speakst as if I would deny my name.

Hotspur My name is Harry Percy.

Prince Why, then I see a very valiant rebel of the name.


I am the Prince of Wales, and think not, Percy,
To share with me in glory any more:
Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere,
Nor can one England brook a double reign,
Of Harry Percy and the Prince of Wales.

Hotspur Nor shall it, Harry, for the hour is come


To end the one of us, and would to God
Thy name in arms were now as great as mine!

Prince Ill make it greater ere I part from thee,


And all the budding honours on thy crest
Ill crop, to make a garland for my head.

Hotspur I can no longer brook thy vanities.

Hotspur O, Harry, thou hast robbed me of my youth!


I better brook the loss of brittle life
Than those proud titles thou hast won of me.
They wound my thoughts worse than thy sword my
flesh.
But thoughts the slave of life, and life times fool,
And time that takes survey of all the world
Must have a stop. O, I could prophesy,
But that the earthy and cold hand of death
Lies on my tongue: no, Percy, thou art dust,
And food for -

Prince For worms, brave Percy. Fare thee well, great heart.
Henry VI pt 1 (Act I, Sc. 2)
William Shakespeare
La Pucelle Dauphin, I am by birth a shepherd's daughter,
My wit untrain'd in any kind of art.
Heaven and our Lady gracious hath it pleased
To shine on my contemptible estate:
Lo, whilst I waited on my tender lambs,
And to sun's parching heat display'd my cheeks,
God's mother deigned to appear to me
And in a vision full of majesty
Will'd me to leave my base vocation
And free my country from calamity:
Her aid she promised and assured success:
In complete glory she reveal'd herself;
And, whereas I was black and swart before,
With those clear rays which she infused on me
That beauty am I bless'd with which you see.
Ask me what question thou canst possible,
And I will answer unpremeditated:
My courage try by combat, if thou darest,
And thou shalt find that I exceed my sex.
Resolve on this, thou shalt be fortunate,
If thou receive me for thy warlike mate.
My courage try by combat, if your darest,
And thou shalt find that I exceed my sex
Resolve on this, thou shalt be fortunate,
If thou receive me for thy warlike mate.

Charles Thou has astonished me with thy high terms:


Only this proof Ill of thy valour make,
In single combat thou shalt buckle with me,
And if thou vanquishest, thy words are true,
Otherwise I renounce all confidence.

La Pucelle I am prepared: here is my keen-edged sword,


Deckd with five flower-de-luces on each side;
The which at Touraine, in Saint Katherines
churchyard
Out of a great deal of old iron I chose forth.

Charles Then come, o Gods name, I fear no woman.

La Pucelle And while I live, Ill neer fly from a man.


Charles Stay, stay thy hands! Thou art an Amazon
And fightest with the sword of Deborah.
Henry VI pt 1 (Act I Sc. 2) - Fight Cut
William Shakespeare

Dauphin Fair maid, ist thou wilt do these wondrous feats?

Joan Ist thou that thinkst to beguile me?


Dauphin, I am by birth a shepherds daughter,
My wit untrained in any kind of art.
My courage try by combat, if thou darst,
And thou shall find I do exceed my sex.
Resolve on this, thou shalt be fortunate
If thou receive me for thy war-like mate.

Dauphin Thou has astonished me with thy high terms.


Only this proof Ill of thy valour make,
In single combat thou shalt buckle with me,
And, if thou vanquishest, thy words are true.

Joan I am prepared.

Dauphin Then come. In Gods name I fear no woman.

Joan And while I live, Ill neer fly from a man.

Dauphin Stay, stay thy hands! Thou art an Amazon


And fightest with the sword of Deborah.
Hook

Hook Where are you going? Come back here and fight
me. Ill find you wherever you are, do you hear me?
Bad form, Peter. Peter, I swear to you, wherever you
go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be
daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They
will be flung at the doors of your childrens childrens
children.

Peter Pan What do you want, old man?

Hook Just you.

Peter Pan You got me, James Hook, Pan the avenger is back!

Hook And The Hook is waiting. Peter Pan!

Peter Pan Put up your swords, boys, its Hook and me.

Hook Prepare to die, Peter.

Peter Pan To die would be a great adventure.

Hook Its the only adventure you have left!

Peter Pan I remember you being a lot bigger.

Hook For a ten year old Im huge.

Peter Pan It aint no game, James.

Hook Good form, old man. You know youre not really
Peter Pan, dont you? This is only a dream. When
you wake up youll just be Pete Panning, a cold,
selfish man, who drinks too much, is obsessed with
success and runs and hides from his wife and
children.

Peter Pan Now we end this.

Hook You blackguard!


Peter Pan Hello! Tick, tock, tick, tock, Hooks afraid of an old,
dead clock!

Hook I am not!

Peter Pan I believe Hooks afraid to die! Times ticking away,


tick, tock!

Hook Good form, Peter, I am fallen. Give me my dignity.


You took my hand, you owe me something.

Peter Pan You killed Rufio, you kidnapped my children - you


deserve to die.

Hook Strike, Peter Pan, strike true!

Peter Pan I want you to take your ship and go and I never want
to see your face in Never Land again.

Hook Good form, after all, what would life be without


Captain Hook? Fool! Captain Hook IS Never Land!
Whenever children meet theyll say Thus perished
Peter Pan.

Peter Pan

BAAAANNNNNEEEERRRRAAAAAAANNNNNGGG
GG!!!!!!
The Insatiate Countess
William Barksted and Lewis Machin

Isabella O heavens, that I was born to be hates slave!


The food of rumour that devours my fame!
I am called insatiate countess, lusts paramour,
A glorious devil, and the noble whore
I am sick, vexed, and tormented. O revenge!

Gniaca Ill be thy champion, sweet, gainst all the world.


Name but the villain that defames thee thus.

Isabella Rogero

Gniaca Ha!

Isabella What, does his name affright thee, coward lord?

Gniaca Stay, my Isabella, were he my fathers son,


Composed of me, he dies.
Delight still keep with thee; go in.

Isabella Thou art just.


Revenge to me is sweeter now than lust.

Exit Isabella. Enter Rogero. Rogero and Gniaca draw swords


and fight

Rogero Thou shame to friendship, what intends thy fate?

Gniaca Love arms my hand, makes my soul valiant.


Isabellas wrongs now sits upon my sword
To fall more heavy to thy cowards head
Than thunderbolts upon Joves rifted oaks.
Deny thy scandal or defend thy life.

Rogero What? Hath thy faith and reason left thee both,
That thou art only flesh without a soul?
Hast thou no feeling of thyself and me?
Blind rage that will not let thee see thyself!

Gniaca I come not to dispute but execute,


And thus comes death.
Rogero And thus I break thy dart. Heres at thy whores face!

Gniaca Tis missed. Heres at thy heart!

Rogero Although most wrong be mine, I can forgive.


In this attempt thy shame will ever live.

Gniaca Thou hast wronged the Phoenix, of all women rarest,


Shes that most wise, most loving chaste, and fairest.

Rogero Thou dotest upon a devil, not a woman,


That has bewitched thee with her sorcery
And drowned thy Soul in Lethy faculties.
Her useless lust has benumbed thy knowledge,
Thy intellectual powers oblivion smothers,
That thou art nothing but forgetfulness.

Gniaca Whats this to my Isabella? My sins mine own;


Her faults were none until thou madst em known.

Rogero Leave her, and leave thy shame where first thou
foundst it:
Else live like a bond-slave to diseasd lust,
Devourd in her gulf-like appetite,
And infamy shall write thy epitaph.
Thy memory leaves nothing but thy crimes
A scandal to thy name in future times.

Gniaca Insatiate lust is sire still to murder.

Rogero Believe it, friend, if her heart blood were vexed,


Though you kill me, new pleasure makes you next,
She loved me dearer than she loves you now;
Shell neer be faithful has twice broke her vow.
This curse pursues female adultery;
Theyll swim through blood for sins variety,
Their pleasure like a sea, groundless and wide;
A womans lust was never satisfied.

Gniaca Fear whispers in my breast. I have a soul


That blushes red for tending bloody facts.
Forgive me, friend, if I can be forgiven:
Thy counsel is the path leads me to heaven.

Rogero I do embrace thy reconcild love

Gniaca - That death or danger now shall neer remove.


In Bruges
Screenplay by Martin McDonagh

Ken Listen Harry I swear I went there to./.

Harry For fuck's sake shut the fuck up or Ill smack you in
your fat fucking head.

When I phoned you yesterday, did I ask you, Ken, will


you do me a favour and become Rays Psychiatrist,
please? No. What I asked you was Could you blow
his fucking head off for me?

Ken The boy is suicidal, Harry. He keeps going on about


Hell and / purgatory and.

Harry Hes Suicidal? Im suicidal! Youre suicidal! Everyones


fucking Suicidal!

Ken Yea but you should have seen him / he

Harry Has he killed himself yet ? No. So hes not fucking


suicidal, is he?

Ken He put a loaded gun to his head this morning. I


stopped him!

Harry You did what? . Let me get this right. Not only have
you refused to kill the boy, youve even stopped him
from killing himself. Which wouldve solved my
problem, which wouldve solved your problem and
which, it sounds like, would've solved the boys
problem!

Ken It wouldn't have solved anything the boy has the


capacity to change, Harry, to do something decent with
his life. Which is more then I can say for you.

Harry Excuse me, Ken. I have the capacity to change.

Ken Yea, you do. Youve got the capacity to get fucking
worse!
Harry Oh, now were getting down to it !

Ken Harry, lets face it You're a Cunt. You're a cunt now,


youve always been a cunt, and the only thing thats
gonna change is youre going to become an even
bigger cunt. And maybe have some more cunt kids.

Harry Leave my kids fucking out of it!

Harry You fucking retract that bit about my fucking cunt kids !

Ken Alright ! I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.

Harry Insulting my fucking kids!

Ken Ive retracted it, havent I?

Ken That still leaves you being a Cunt though


In the Boom Boom Room
David Rabe

Al You ever think you got maybe lesbian tendencies?

Chrissy No.

Al No? No?

Chrissy No - I think is what I said.

Al Then how come it took so long to say it? How come


there was that silence?

Chrissy I know people who got em.

Al Is that right? You know people who got em.

Chrissy How come you gotta repeat everything I say?

Al Because most of the stuff you say is so fuckin


unbelievable I gotta hear it twice before I can believe
any of it!

Chrissy I know people who got em.

Al Is that right?

Chrissy Yeh. I travel and work in a widely mixtured company,


and sometimes the girls got em.

Al So how does that explain the way I saw you lookin at


the train station, for example?

Chrissy What train station?

Al We was together.

Chrissy What train station?

Al You know.
Chrissy We been together in a lot of train stations.

Al big girl. Blonde.

Chrissy I was lookin at her clothes.

Al Oh yeh! You just gave her the old up-n-down look,


startin at her toes and goin right on up. Right on up.

Chrissy I seen you lookin at men sometimes.

Al Dont try and turn it around. Im too smart for that.

Chrissy I seen it.

Al Youre gropin; I hit you where it hurts.

Chrissy I was lookin at her clothes!

Al Dont gimme that shit! You been with em; I know you
have.

Chrissy No I aint!

Al Bullshit!

Chrissy No I aint. I tell you I aint.

Al Ill burn your fuckin snatch clean, you hear me?

Chrissy It really makes you squirm dont it?

Al It don't make me squirm.


Jerusalem
Jez Butterworth

Johnny Troy. Good afternoon, mate. Welcome to our banquet.


Our bucolic alcoholic Frolic. Pull up a chair, mate.
What are you drinking these days?

Troy I ain't staying.

Johnny It's no bother, Troy.

Troy I said, I ain't staying.

Johnny Don't be daft. You slog all the way up here. Let's have
a drink -

Troy You deaf, gyppo? I ain't sitting with you.

Johnny You busy today? You on the floats?

Troy Where is she?

Johnny What?

Troy Don't try my patience. Where is she? Where's


Phaedra?

Johnny Phaedra... Hang about. Which one's she?

Troy Don't try me, Byron.

Johhny I can't tell these rats apart, Troy. I wouldn't worry


yourself, mate. She'll be back. Wait, Phaedra. I got her.
Small. Brown hair. Freckles. Big eyes? I tell you boy.
She's a sweetheart. Lovely big eyes -

Troy Do not try me. You know where she is.

Johnny Look. There's no need to break up the party. Thought


we were mates. I don't have no beef with the
Whitworths. What say we bury the hatchet?
Troy You deaf as well as daft? We'll bury the hatchet all
right. Right in your fuckin' skull, Pikey.

Johnny Mate, you're worried. Christ, what father wouldn't be?


She's young. Fifteen. I understand mate. You're just
worried. It's not just you feel a little bit randy today.

Troy What did you say?

Johnny You miss her boy? She's your treasure? Bet it's hard to
sleep with her right next door. She in your dreams,
boy? She in your dreams?

Troy Shut your fucking mouth.

Johnny Put me wrong if you're made right, boy. If you're made


right. I'm standing here. Put me wrong.

Troy I'll mark you good, gyppo. I'll put you in the ground, you
Diddicoy maggot. Living on a rubbish tip. You're the
lowest piece of shit in this forest mate. Now, one more
time, cunt. Where's my daughter?

Johnny She ain't your daughter.

Troy Just fucking open your cockhole one more time, I'll
shut it for good.

Johnny When was it you were last up here, Troy? Jesus I don't
think I've seen you up here since you were fifteen,
sixteen. Do you remember that night we took a pack of
cards? The old ones with the devils on the back. And
we laid them out in a circle. Just there. In the dead of
night. You shook like a leaf. Couldn't stop.

Troy Shut the fuck up. You wanna say some more? You little
bitch. Little cocksucker.

Johnny You were terrified, boy. From that day you never came
back. Have you come to play again, boy? You want to
play again?
Troy It's you and me now, you fucking snake. I will beat you
into your grave. Into your grave, Gypsy.

Well listen to this one. End of June, I'm coming up


here, guess who I find, lying out on the path, down in
the dirt, bottle of own brand. Out fucking cold. You'd
pissed yourself. Pissed all over your trousers, your
coat. And you know what we done? We undone our
flies and we pissed on you too. On your face, in your
hair. In your mouth. Took photos. Sent it to everyone.
Took me right back. Nothing changes up here.

When you're alone, gyppo. When you're alone.


Jitters
David French

Jessica Ah, there you are. Stand up. I want a word with you,
Ive taken all I care to take from you. Youre the worst
excuse for a human being that Ive ever run across.

Patrick Now Jess, lets be adult about this.

Jessica Were not adults, were actors. If you havent learned


that yet, you have no business being in the theatre.

Patrick Just what does that mean? On second thought, keep


your mouth shut. I dont like what comes out.

Jessica Oh, I can forgive your ill manners and your ill temper.
I can forgive your vicious sense of humour. I can
even forgive your alcoholic phone calls in the middle
of the night. But what I cant forgive is un-
professionalism. Your behaviour last night on this
stage was nothing short of atrocious.

Patrick And what was that, may I ask? Unless youre


referring to my damn fine performance. In which case
I stand justly accused.

Jessica My god! How ironic!

Patrick How was I unprofessional?

Jessica You know damn well. From the moment you strutted
down those stairs you pulled out every stop. You
snorted and bellowed like a wounded moose.

Patrick Like hell! I know I was rushing.

Jessica Rushing? You were charging. The rest of us could


barely keep up.

Patrick Well, I dont appreciate being upstaged either. You


did it again last night.
Jessica When?

Patrick You know when.

Jessica I havent the foggiest.

Patrick The supper scene.

Jessica Oh, is that why you looked so upset? I thought you


had the wind.

Patrick And while were at it, dont cross your legs on-stage.
Last night you sat on the sofa working you legs like a
pair of scissors.

Jessica I was simply working up a breeze. Didnt you find it


stifling out there?

Patrick The first three rows dont have to know you were
wearing black lace panties.

Jessica I bet you were the only one who noticed. Did you also
notice the bruise on my left thigh?

Patrick No I didnt. And it was your right thigh. God knows


how you got that.

Jessica Listen you, I was doing leading ladies when you were
failing to get through adolescence. So dont tell me
how to act.

Patrick I forgot: youve worked with Mike Nichols. Lets all


curtsy.

Jessica At least Ive got the guts to work outside this country.

Patrick The truth is your last two Broadway plays died in the
first week. You havent acted in the theatre for two
years. Youre living in the past, lady.

Jessica All you can do is a play you believe in.

Patrick Yes, but how does it feel to get clobbered?


Jessica I wouldnt know.

Patrick You were in two flops.

Jessica The plays were; I wasnt.

Patrick Look, it was opening night. We were all nervous.


Maybe I was bigger than usual. A touch.

Jessica Bigger?

Patrick Must you repeat every word I say?

Jessica The word is shrill. Shrill as in frightened silly. Shrill as


in boy soprano. And in half those scenes Im
supposed to top you.

Patrick If we were both shrill, then how come only you get
slated?

Jessica Because I am the star, darling. I am the star of this


bloody show, and you dont ever forget it!

Patrick Whats that supposed to mean?

Jessica Not now darling. I know a good exit line when I hear
it.
Killer Joe
Tracy Letts

Dottie Dear Jesus, thank you for the food. Thank you that we're
all here together. We're sorry Momma's dead. Please
forgive us for anything we did wrong. We would all like a
place to stay in Heaven too. Amen.

Joe Amen. That was beautiful, Dottie. Now, I have an


announcement to make. You've all probably noticed by
now that Dottie and I have been spending an awful lot of
time together. The fact is, we've fallen in love. So it's my
privilege to tell you that I've asked her to be my bride.
And she has accepted.

Chris Shut. Up.

Joe A toast to my future wife.

Chris When's all this supposed to take place?

Joe We're leaving after this delicious meal. Ain't that right?

(DOTTIE nods)

Chris Dottie, go get your stuff.

Joe Stay seated.

Chris Dottie. Go get your stuff.

Joe Take your seat.

Chris Go on, Dottie. Get your stuff now -

Joe Dottie!

(Dottie leaves)

Chris That a girl. (to JOE) You can't have my sister, Joe.

Joe What do you mean?


Chris What I mean is, is, is Dottie. I mean... she never did
nothin' to nobody, y'know? And for me to... I can't be
responsible. And you can't have her. I can't let that
happen. You're not going to marry my sister.

Joe Chris, I can certainly appreciate your love for your sister,
but you have to cut the old apron strings sometime -

Chris I'm not gonna discuss it. She's my sister, I'm takin' her
with me. We're leavin' here.

Joe Maybe we let Dottie decide.

Chris Dottie doesn't have a say in the matter.

Joe I believe she does -

Chris You believe wrong.

Chris Do you understand, Joe? I don't want my sister to see


you again.

Joe Thing is, Chris, it ain't up to you.

Chris Shut up.

Joe Say another word, little man, and I'll rip your head off
your shoulders.

Chris You're not a good influence. I mean, come on Joe, you


kill people, for chrissake.

Joe She's my retainer.

Chris No any more. Deal's off.

Joe No, it's not.

Chris It didn't work out. You're gonna have to eat this one.

Joe You know... you know I'll kill you.

Chris Go fuck yourself.


Joe You're dead, Motherfucker! You're Dead!

Chris Stop it! Stop it! God!

Joe Die, Motherfucker, Die! Goddamn you - DIE!


King Lear (Act II, Sc. 2)
William Shakespeare

Oswald Good dawning to thee, friend. Art of this house?

Kent Ay.

Oswald Where may we set our horses?

Kent Ithe mire.

Oswald Prithee, if thou lovest me, tell me.

Kent I love thee not.

Oswald Why then, I care not for thee.

Kent If I had thee in Lipsbury pinfold I would make thee


care for me.

Oswald Why dost thou use me thus? I know thee not.

Kent Fellow, I know thee.

Oswald What dost thou know me for?

Kent A knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats, a base,


proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-
pound, filthy-worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered,
action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, super-
serviceable, finical rogue, one who art nothing but the
composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and
the son and heir of a mongrel bitch; and one whom I
will beat into a clamorous whining if thou deniest the
least syllable of thy addition.

Oswald Why, what a monstrous wench art thou thus to rail on


one who is neither known of thee nor knows thee!

Kent What a brazen-faced varlet art thou, to deny thou


knowest me! Is it two days since I tripped up thy
heels and beat thee before the King? Draw, you
rogue! For though it be night, yet the moon shines. I'll
make a sop o'the moonshine of you, you whoreson
cullionly barber-monger! Strike!

Oswald Away! I have nothing to do with thee.

Kent Strike, you rascal! You come with letters against the
King, and take Vanity the puppet's part against the
royalty of her father.

Oswald Help, ho! Murder! Help!

Kent Strike, you rogue! Or Ill so carbonado your shanks -


strike, you rascal! Come your ways!

Kent Stand, rogue! Stand, you neat slave! Strike!


King Lear (Act V, Sc. 3)
William Shakespeare

Edgar Draw thy sword,


That, my speech offend a noble heart,
Thy arm may do the justice; here is mine:
Behold, it is the privilege of mine honours,
My oath, and my profession: I protest,
Maugre thy strength, place, youth, and eminence,
Despite thy victor sword and fire-new fortune,
Thy valour and thy heart, thou art a traitor,
False to thy gods, thy brother, and thy father,
Conspirant gainst this high illustrious prince,
And, from thextremest upward of thy head
To the descent and dust below thy foot,
A most toad-spotted traitor. Say thou No,
This sword, this arm, and my best spirits are bent
To prove thy heart, whereto I speak,
Thou liest.

Edmund In wisdom I should ask thy name;


But since thy outside looks so fair and war-like,
And that tongue some say of breeding breathes,
What safe and nicely I might will delay
By rule of knighthood, I disdain and spurn;
Back do I toss these treasons to thy head,
With the hell-hated lie oerwhelm thy heart,
Which, for they yet glance by and scarcely bruise,
This sword of mine shall give them instant way,
Where they shall rest for ever. Trumpets, speak.

They Fight - Edmund falls


King Lear (Act V, Sc. 3) - Fight Mix
William Shakespeare

Edgar Draw thy sword,


That if thy speech offend a noble heart
Thy arm can do thee justice. Here is mine.
Behold, it is the privilege of mine honours,
My oath, and my profession. I protest,
Maugre thy strength, youth, place and eminence,
Despite thy victor sword and fire-new fortune,
Thy valour and thy heart, thou art a traitor.

Edmund What in the world he is


That names me traitor, he liest.

Edgar False to thy gods, thy brother and thy father,


Conspirant gainst this high illustrious prince,
And from the extremest upward of thy head
To the descent and dust of thy foot,
A most toad-spotted traitor.

Edmund In wisdom I should ask thy name,


But since thy outside looks so warlike,
And that thy tongue some say of breeding breathes
Back do I toss these treasons to thy head.

Edgar Say thou NO,


This sword, this arm and my best spirits are bent
To prove upon my heart, whereto I speak,
Thou liest.

Edmund With the hell-hated lie oerwhelm my heart;


Which, for yet they glance by and scarcely bruise,
This sword of mine shall give them instant way,
Where they shall rest forever.

Edmund What you have charged me with, that have I done;


And more, much more, the time will bring it out.

Edmund Tis past, and so am I. But what art thou


That hast this fortune on me? If thou art noble,
I do forgive thee.
Edgar Lets exchange charity.

Edgar I am no less in blood than thou art, Edmund;


If more, the more thou hast wronged me.
Edgar My name is Edgar, and thy fathers son.
The gods are just and of our pleasant vices
Make instruments to plague us:
The dark and vicious place where thee he got
Cost him his eyes.

Edmund Thou hast spoken right, 'tis true.


The wheel is come full circle, I am here.
The King's Thief

The scene starts when the Duke of Brampton has discovered


Michael Dermott in his hideaway. Dermott is nursing a wound from
a pistol shot received during an earlier escape.

Brampton Captain Dermott!

Dermott Ah. Your Grace. Good morning.

Brampton "Good morning" seems insufficient, don't you


think? However, we have little time to quibble.

Dermott I have no immediate plans . . .

Brampton Ah, but then, you see, I have. Plans and very little
patience.

Dermott What are your plans, your Grace?

Brampton Well, to overlook the slight embarrassment you


caused me -

Dermott Provided?

Brampton Provided you return to me my property. You know.


A little book whose worth you will have guessed by
now, and which could bring me into trouble if it fell
into hands other than yours.

Dermott And - if I don't?

Brampton Then my plan would be to teach you a lesson


which you would not live to remember.

Dermott I think you will find me a willing pupil, your Grace.

Brampton With three comrades at your side and you


possessing a pistol, knife and rope, perhaps. But
what of gentler s kills? The sword, the sabre - the
rapier?
The rapier, weapon of gentlemen, not thieves!
Long, slender, light! Its point more deadly than the
sabre's edge! (with flamboyance) The guard
position! The parry! The coupe! The book.

Dermott I no longer have it, your Grace.

Brampton Then, Captain Dermott, your lesson. Fencing with


the rapier!

Dermott But a lesson better learned, your Grace, when


both are armed.

Brampton Of course! A private lesson, Captain Dermott!

(Dermott gets his sword.)

Brampton On guard! - oh, clumsy, captain, clumsy! On


guard.

Brampton Excellent, excellent!

Dermott One strives for excellence, your Grace.

Brampton You sadly lack finesse, captain. For instance: the


feint!
The deceit!
The disarm!
The book. Where is it?

(Dermott remains silent.)

Brampton You tire easily, captain! Pick up your weapon.


Normally, I would bring this lesson to a close. But
who knows when such an opportunity will present
itself again!

Brampton Clumsy, captain! I expect more from my pupils!


Much more! How much more do you offer?

Brampton How timely, captain. A trifle exhausting for you,


perhaps, but - timely. Now, out! And - Dermott!
One last word: a thief should never wager with a
gentleman.
The Last Days of Don Juan
Tirso de Molina, adapted by Nick Dear

Stables belonging to a wealthy household. Night-time.

DON JUAN enters. He calls upward, putting on an assumed voice,


sotto voce:

Don Juan Duchess!

DONNA ANNA appears above. DON JUAN remains out of her


sight
I swear Im yours.

Donna Anna (she cant see him) And everything youve promised
will come true?

Don Juan Yes.

Donna Anna Every wish, every dream, every desire will come
true?

Don Juan We will be married. I have sworn.

Donna Anna I will give you everything.

Don Juan I want it now. Why hesitate?

Donna Anna Do what you like with me Im not shy

Don Juan Quick then, Im quivering!

DON JUAN searches for a way up to the hayloft but is unable to


find one.

Donna Anna Come into my love nest, behind my walls of straw.


My pallet will be our bridal couch. Come inside my cave.

Don Juan Where do I get in?

Donna Anna Ill show you.

DONNA ANNA disappears from view.


Don Juan Hurry! Ill explode!

Donna Anna (voice, off) Wait while I fetch a light.

Don Juan (in his own voice) A light? (catching himself and
continuing in his assumed voice) Why a light?

Donna Anna So I may see the face I shall live with all the days of
my life. My darling just let me bring a torch

DON JUAN attempts to conceal himself, as DONNA ANNA enters,


carrying a lantern. She rushes towards him, but stops short:

Youre not the Marquis! Ive been deceived!

Don Juan (assumed voice) I tell you I am!

Donna Anna You lie! You assault my honour! Help, hes ruined
me!

Don Juan (in his own voice from here on) Dont shout so loud girl
you ring like a bell!

Donna Anna The fortress of my honour, sir is undermined! The


walls are breached, the castle is invaded!

Don Juan Let me pass.

Donna Anna You can pass on the point of my sword!

Don Juan Youll die.

Donna Anna No matter, My good names already dead.

Don Juan I promise you, Ill kill you.

Donna Anna No, you die, fraud!

Don Juan I wish I were dead. It would be less dreadful than this
banging in my breast. My heart burst for you! My passion
madam knows no rest. You shine like the sun. My body turns
to ashes in your heart
Don Juan Tell me your desires the same.

Donna Anna I never thought Id feel this flame! I want to believe


you! I want to! But all men are traitors and liars. You think
you cheat the world, Don Juan, but you only cheat yourself.
Take care. Or youll end up good and damned, on the day of
judgement.

Don Juan What is this, the Holy Inquisition?

Donna Anna God demands your debt be repaid! You failed to


heed his warning. Now His mercy turns to justice. Every man
pays for every sin!

DON JUAN is wounded.

Don Juan You have cut me mortally!

Donna Anna You were enraged. You threw away your life.

Don Juan It was no use to me So this is the price of pleasure.


One slip, and life comes to an end.

Donna Anna Are you afraid?

Don Juan I am afraid of God, and his vengeance.

Donna Anna You beautiful boy. Wake up, oh do wake up..! The
cup of delight I had raised to my lips, and still I spill it.

Don Juan Where am I?

Donna Anna Safe in my arms. The struggles over.

Don Juan I must have died and gone to heaven..! Are you an
angel? You have the face of one

Donna Anna You have a lot of chat for one whos half dead. Must
be the shock.

Don Juan It is a shock, Perfection, a terrible shock.


Donna Anna Dont die Don Juan. Live! Live for our love. I will
know no peace without it.

Don Juan My lady Anna. It is not too late for love. I feel my
strength returning. (he struggles to sit up, but the effort is too
much)

Donna Anna Oh Don Juan. Tell me you love me.

Don Juan Duchess, I swear I am yours.


The Last Samurai

Katsumoto The way of the warrior. We study from when we are


young. Are my words correct? I will practice my
English with you.

Algren Why do you learn English?

Katsumoto To know my enemy.

Algren If I am your enemy, why have you not killed me?

Katsumoto At what age did you become I soldier?

Algren Nineteen.

Katsumoto To fight in your civil war?

Algren Yes.

Katsumoto Show me.

Katsumoto To Take a man's life is nothing. It is his honour you


can never take away.

Algren In other words you have no respect for human life.

Katsumoto (fierce) What do you know of human life? You come


here to kill for money. Where is your family? Where
is your wife, your sons? What is your legacy?

Algren My wife is dead.

Katsumoto Mine, too.

Katsumoto Before you were a soldier, you were a farmer.

Algren What does that have to do with anything?

Katsumoto You lived on a farm. Or in a forest of trees.

Algren How do you know?


Katsumoto The way you look at the cherry blossoms. Like those
trees, we are all dying. The future is an illusion, our
plans are an illusion, our fears an illusion. We live life
in every breath. Eat, drink, fuck. Now. Every cup of
tea. Every word we write. Every blossom we hold.
Every life we take. Life in every breath.

Algren This is why you are fighting?

Algren What do you want from me?

Katsumoto What do you want for yourself?

Algren You know they're not going to ransom me.

Katsumoto We have little use for money.

Katsumoto You should return to your home, captain.

Algren Why?

Katsumoto Because I do not wish you to be my enemy again.


Les Liaisons Dangereuses
Christopher Hampton

Merteuil You loved that woman, Vicomte. Whats more you


still do. Quite desperately. If you hadnt been so
ashamed of it, how could you possibly have treated
her so viciously? You couldnt bear even the vague
possibility of being laughed at. And this has proved
something Ive always suspected. That vanity and
happiness are incompatible.

Valmont is very shaken. Hes forced to make a great effort, before


he can resume, his voice a touch ragged with strain.

Valmont Whatever may or may not be the truth of these


philosophical speculations, the fact is its now your
turn to make a sacrifice.

Merteuil Is that right?

Valmont Danceny must go.

Merteuil Where?

Valmont Ive been more than patient about this little whim of
yours, but enough is enough and I really must insist
you call a halt to it.
(Silence.)

Merteuil One of the reasons I never remarried, despite a quite


bewildering range of offers, was the determination
never again to be ordered around. I decided if I felt
like telling a lie, Id rather do it for fun than because I
had no alternative. So I must ask you to adopt a less
marital tone of voice.

Valmont Shes ill, you know. Ive made her ill. For your sake.
So the least you can do is get rid of that colourless
youth.

Merteuil I should have thought youd have had enough of


bullying women for the time being.
Valmont Right. I see I shall have to make myself very plain.
Ive come to spend the night. I shall not take at all
kindly to being turned away.

Merteuil Thats enough, Vicomte.

Valmont Youre absolutely right. Shall we go up?

Merteuil Shall we what?

Valmont Go up. Unless you prefer, this, if memory serves,


rather purgatorial sofa.

Merteuil I believe its time you were going.


(Silence.)

Valmont No. I dont think so. We made an arrangement. I


really dont think I can allow myself to be taken
advantage of a moment longer.

Merteuil Remember Im better at this than you are.

Valmont Perhaps. But its always the best swimmers who


drown. now. Yes or no? Up to you, of course. I
wouldnt dream of trying to influence you. I therefore
confine myself to remarking that a no will be
regarded as a declaration of war. So. One single
word is all thats required.

Merteuil All right. War.


The Lieutenant of Inishmore
Martin McDonagh

Sound off stage, Davey and Mairead rush in

Davey Ar, ya fecker, Mairead! Ya fecker, you! You got me in


the cheek there!

Mairead In the cheek, is it?

Davey You could've had me fecking eye out!

Mairead That was the object, to have your fecking eye out.

Davey Leave me alone, now! It's not enough you


me in the face, let alone battering me.

Mairead No it's not enough at all for your crimes!

Davey What fecking crimes, ya lube? (pushes MAIREAD,


harder than expected) I didn't mean to push you that
hard, Mairead, I promise. (MAIREAD comes to batter
DAVEY) Don't Now! I'll be telling Mam on ya!

Mairead Go ahead and tell Mam, only you'll have to tell her with
no eyes!

Davey What's got into your mad head at all?

Mairead My poor cat you rammed to skitter this morning is


what's got into my mad head at all.

Davey I didn't touch the poor fella, I swear it! A car it must
have been clobbered him.

Mairead I heard you had half of me cat's head poking out of


your bike's wheels! Admit it was you knocked poor
Thomas down. If you carry on that's what's in for ya!

Davey You'd have blinded your own brother over a dead cat.

Mairead I would. Without a question.


Davey Alright then. I killed Wee Thomas so, if that's what you
want to hear

Mairead How?

Davey However you fecking want !


I hit him with me bike then I banged him with a hoe,
then I jumped up and down on the feck!

Mairead I hope you'll be buried in shite, you stupid mental


fecking bitch ya!!
Life of Brian
Monty Python

Deadly Dirk enters the main chamber of Pilates palace. As he is


creeping through the room he hears a noise which forces him to
hide. Francis enters and creeps across the room in a similar
fashion until he is met by Deadly Dirk.

Dirk Campaign for Free Galilee.

Francis Oh. Uh, Peoples Front of Judea.

Dirk Oh.

Francis What are you doing here?

Dirk Im going to kidnap Pilates wife, take her back, issue


demands.

Francis So am I.

Dirk What?

Francis Thats my plan!

Dirk I was here first!

Francis What do you mean?

Dirk I thought of it first!

Francis Oh, yeah?

Dirk Yes, a couple of years ago.

Francis Ha!

Dirk I did!

Francis Okay. Come on got all your demands worked out,


then?

Dirk Course I have.


Francis What are they?

Dirk Well...Im not telling you...Big nose!

Francis Oh, come on. Pull the other one.

Dirk Thats not the point. I thought of it before you!

Francis Did not.

Dirk I did!

Francis You didnt.

Dirk I bloody did!

Dirk You bastard! Ive been planning this for months.

Francis Well tough titty for you, Fish Face!

Dirk Brother, brother! We should be struggling together!

Francis We are!

Dirk I mean we mustnt fight each other! Surely we should


be united against the common enemy?

Francis The Judean Peoples Front?

Dirk No, no! The Romans!

Francis Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Dirk Look out!

Dirk and Francis hide as two soldiers pass through the room

Francis: Right, where were we?

Dirk: Err, you were going to punch me.

Francis: Oh, yeah.


Like A Brother
Che Walker

Agent Jason, Hi. Thanks for coming in. Look, theres a


character, now hes a Toshfillian, its a race of aliens.
Youd play a many-headed creature with several sets
of eyeballs.

Jason No.

Agent Well no one would know it was you if you were


covered in latex.

Jason Id rather die.

Agent They just dont want to see you.

Jason Why not?

Agent Because of the incident, darling.

Jason Fuckem. Cunts.

Agent Yeah. Listen, I know youre well again, you know


youre well again, making these cunts out there know
youre well again

Jason Is proving a hard sell.

Agent Exactly.

Jason Is anyone gonna forget what happened?

Agent Would you? But, they do want to extend your contract


on this.

Jason Ohh!

Agent Well, do you want to do it or not?

Jason Read my script!


Agent Yes yes yes yes yes. Do you want to play the fucking
priest or not?

Jason I want you to tell them to shove this play right up their
fucking assholes! Tell them Id rather hammer a rusty
nail into my left eyeball than

Agent Shh! Shh!

Jason Than stand up there and speak this dreck.

Agent Hey darling Ill be thirty seconds. No, Im not doing


anything important. Ok, ciao, ciao. Fucking hell,
Jason. You have to wake up and realise that this is
not 1995 and you are not smiling down at us from
any posters, sweet stuff.

Jason Fuck all these second rate cunts who wouldnt know
art if it bit them through their intestinal tract. And Fuck
you. Im supposed to fucking care what you think?
Are you mad?

Agent You are being catastrophically hubristic, Jason. Are


you sure youre not gearing up for another episode.
Im just flagging it, any friend would.

Jason Friend, youre not a friend. Look what youve done to


me.

Agent No one had done anything to you, you got a little bit
famous, had too much Cocaine and Jamesons and
had a crackup in front of the eyes of Soho. Do you
think I can sell you anymore? Frinton-on-Sea
wouldnt hire you to sell Cornettos, you ungrateful,
arrogant fuck!

Jason Youre fired! Get the fuck out of my career!

Agent You did this to yourself!! Nobody but yourself! You


broke your own mind and had to be led offstage
weeping and dribbling..

Jason SHUT UP!!


Agent Get help. Its happening again. By next week youll
have spiders crawling out of your knob-end and youll
be giving your Lear down at the Job Centre, you
twat!!

Jason Thanks for all the hard work, darling.


The Lion In Winter
James Goldman

Henry Well, wish me luck. Im off. (He starts to go)

Eleanor To Rome?

Henry Thats where they keep the Pope.

Eleanor You dont dare go.

Henry Lamb, Ill be rid of you by Easter: you can count your
reign in days.

Eleanor You go to Rome, well rise against you.

Henry Who will?

Eleanor Richard, Geoffrey, John and Eleanor of Aquitaine. You


leave the country and youve lost it.

Henry You would, wouldnt you?

Eleanor Oh Ive got you, got you, got you.

Henry Ah, poor thing. How can I break the news? Youve
just miscalculated. You should have lied to me. You
should have promised to be good while I was gone. I
would have let your three boys loose.

Eleanor You wouldnt keep your sons locked up here?

Henry Wouldnt I?

Eleanor You dont dare.


Henry Why not? Whats to stop me?
Eleanor No; I forbid it.

Henry She forbids it.

Eleanor Did your father sleep with me or didnt he?

Henry No doubt youre going to tell me that he did.

Eleanor Dont leave me, Henry. Im at rock bottom - Ill do


anything to keep you.

Henry Poor Eleanor; if only she had lied.

Eleanor She did. She said she never loved your father.

Henry I can always count on you.

Eleanor Ive never touched you without thinking Geoffrey,


Geoffrey.

Henry When you hurt me, Ill cry out.

Eleanor Ill kill you if you leave me.

Henry You can try.

Eleanor: I loved your fathers body. He was beautiful.

Henry It never happened

Eleanor I can see his body now. Shall I describe it?


Henry Eleanor, I hope you die.

Eleanor His arms were rough, with scars here... (touching


Henrys arm)

Henry Stop it!

Eleanor I can feel his arms. I feel them.

Henry AAH!... Oh my god, Im going to be sick.

Eleanor We did it. You were in the next room when he did it!
Well, what family doesnt have its ups and downs?
The Lodger
Simon Burke

Wise in his lounge. Enter Lois. He looks at her. She looks at him.
She knows something has happened. He has an odd far-away
look on his face. When he speaks, it sounds almost ghostly:

Wise Is there anything you want to tell me?

Looking at him, she knows its finished.

Lois No. I didnt think there is anything I want to tell you. Its
over, isnt it? Whatever it was.

Wise I keep asking myself, what Ive done to deserve this.

A frozen silence.

Its a funny old life. (Making conversation) So youre a


whore then?

Eventually:

Lois Its something Ive done. Its not what I am.

Wise puts his hands to his ears:

Wise ARGGGH

Lois Id ask you to forgive me, but why should I?

She just turns and makes quietly for the door. He jumps up and
bars her way. Now hes trembling:

Wise Where are you going?

Lois Out.

Wise Where?

Lois Away.

Wise Where?
Lois Anywhere.

Wise Arent you even going to bother denying it? Its true, isnt
it? Its fucking TRUE.

She stares at him, trying to stay calm.

Lois Get out of my way Andrew.

Wise Get out of your way? Is that it? Is that fucking it? Am I in
your way? What happens to people who get in your way?
Is that fucking IT?

She tries to push past him but he grabs her.

Why didnt you tell me?

She just laughs at the thought.

Whats so fucking funny?

Lois Nothings funny

Wise Why didnt you?

He shakes her viciously. She flares up:

Lois Why didnt you tell me what you were, are you any
better?

Wise Its not the fucking same

Lois No I dont discriminate against NIGGERS

Lois loses her temper and starts to struggle. He goes to slap her
hard but holds back at the last second. He pauses, panting
heavily.

Lois Why is it so bad? What have I done I didnt have to? End
of story. Now leave me alone.

Wise You lied to me you fucking lied


Lois What you thought, what you wanted, your fantasies, its
not my fault. Im responsible for me. ME. Thats enough

Wise You lied

Lois You lied to yourself it was all in your stupid head You
never liked me

She breaks free and retreats; he follows her round the room.

Wise So thats what I had to do, I had to fucking pay you, thats
all.

Lois No

Wise Whaddyamean no? My money not good enough? And all


the time I was wasting my time trying to talk to you and
be nice and cook you meals and listen to your problems
All I had to do was pull out my wallet You must
have thought I was fucking MAD You must have just
laughed, you and him You must have laughed

Lois No.

Wise Why did you come here? I was happy. God you must
have laughed up there in your room

Lois No.

Wise Oh you must have died laughing

He lashes her across the face. For a second they both stare at
each other in shock, breathing heavily.

Lois I knew you had it in you.

Wise Shut up.

Lois We could have been happy. But Alan was right

Wise SHUT UP SHUT UP FUCKING SHUT UP


He backs off a second, his shoulders sagging.

What have you done to me? What have you fucking done
to my life?

Lois Yes. I came all the way here just to fuck your life. Does
that make you feel better? Do you give a shit whether its
true or not?

She lunges at him and makes a break for the door. He leaps at
her and pulls her back by the hair. This time he has lost all control
and as she flails at him he hammers at her. She cries out in pain

Wise DONT LAUGH AT ME DONT LAUGH

and fear

Wise YOU FUCKING LAUGH

And tries to protect her face, sinking to her knees, whimpering as


he pummels helplessly away.

Blackout.

Then a howl of agony cuts through the darkness, an animal in


dreadful pain: Wise.
Loose Knit
Theresa Rebeck

Lily What are you doing here?

Liz Its our knitting night.

Lily Youre not welcome here.

Liz Lily, you can refuse to talk to me on the phone and you can
not let me into your house, but you cant kick me out of
Ginas apartment.

Lily Fine.

Liz Aw, Lily, please dont do this. I just want to talk.

Lily What you want, Liz, is not a high priority with me right now.

Liz Come on! What happened was bad, but we could work
through it. Last week, when you were falling apart we were
almost communicating

Lily Oh, now you want me to fall apart again! Thats lovely

Liz Please! Do we have to go back to this?

Lily One hug and Im supposed to forgive you everything, is that


it?

Liz Youre supposed to talk to me! We never talk! We just


resent each other, and, and pick at each other, all our lives,
thats all its ever been! Youre my big sister! I want you to
like me!

Lily And thats why you slept with my husband, I suppose. Very
effective reasoning, Liz. Once again, your logic is right on
track.

Liz Look, Im not the only one at fault here. I mean, all this shit
with Miles was hardly innocent.
Lily I set you up on a bad date! You slept with my husband! Its
not exactly the same thing!

Liz Im sorry, okay? That just happened. I didnt

Lily It didnt just happen! You did it deliberately! Youre so


obsessed with honesty, why dont you just try it yourself once
in awhile.

Liz Could you stop accusing me and just TRY? To


communicate! God I mean were sisters! Cant we just
try?

Lily No. I dont want to try. I dont want to understand you.


Frankly, I dont even want to know you.

Pause.

Liz Fine. Thats fine with me. I never liked you anyway. Now, at
least I dont have to pretend.

Lily Youre self-centered and thoughtless.

Liz Yeah, well, youre controlling and frigid.

Lily Youre a hypocrite and a liar!

Liz Not anymore! I admit it, ALL RIGHT? I fucked him to get at
you! I fucked your husband, and the whole time, I was
thinking about you. [You bitch!!] Sorry.

OPTIONS FOR FINAL LINE (LIZ):


a) Really, Lily, I dont know what youre so worked up about.
b) I thought you wanted the truth.
e) I told you I was a complete mess, and you set me up on a date
with Terminator!
f) Im sorry it didnt work out.
The Love Of The Nightingale
Timberlake Wertenbaker

Soldier Why are we still here?

Tereus I have my reasons.

Soldier I want to go home.

Tereus We cant until I order it.

Soldier Its no more than 4 days walk to the palace. Why are
we still here?

Tereus I told you: because I havent ordered you to move.

Soldier Why not?

Tereus You ask too many questions.

Soldier Why dont we go home? I want to see my girl.

Tereus I want to see my wife.

Soldier Then why are we still here? What are you afraid of?

Tereus Youre not a king. My worry is bigger than yours.

Soldier Why? Weve had enough.

Tereus Am I not your leader?

Soldier What are you afraid of? An invasion of amazons?


Wheres the enemy?!

Tereus I have information. My knowledge is greater than


yours, that is my duty, just as yours is to trust me.
Think: when you fight wars with me, you see only part
of the battle, the few enemies you kill, or your own
wounds. Sometimes this seems terrible to you, I know,
but I trust you not to risk the safety and honour of your
country because you dont understand yet. Trust me
and youll understand all in time.
Soldier Why do we have to wait so long? For what?! Its this
waiting makes me afraid. Id rather something
happened, anything.

Tereus You must trust me!


Soldier An old phrase!

Tereus You cur!

Soldier You cats whisker.

Tereus You fleas foot.

Soldier You particle. (Pause) You son of a bitch.

Tereus You son of a lame hyena.

Soldier You son of a bleeding whore.

Tereus You son of a woman! (Pause) Ill slice your drooping


genitalia.

Soldier Ill pierce your windy asshole.

Tereus Ill drink from your skull. (Pause) Coward!

Soldier Braggard.

Tereus You worm.

Soldier You man.

Tereus And now, death.

Soldier Murderer!

Tereus Corpse!

Tereus Wars make death acceptable. The Gods are less cruel
if it is mans fault.
Lovers and Executioners
John Strand

Frederick At last, with Heavens help, the thing goes well.

(Enter Don Lope)

Don Lope Fredrick! Stand firm!

Frederick (aside) Oh damn it to hell.

Don Lope The rumour I have heard, dare you deny it?

Frederick What rumour is that?

Don Lope No, no! Do not try it! Sir, do you hope to make
Constance your wife?

Frederick To keep her from Bernard, I would risk my life!

Don Lope (screams in challenge and draws)

Frederick To duel in this way is against our laws.

Don Lope (flourishing his sword and laughing) En Garde, you


despicable eater of frogs!

Frederick I am a dangerous swordsman, Sir, I should alert you.


Be careful, Don Lope, I dont wish to hurt you.

(They fight, Fredrick is wounded)

Frederick Halt! (in pain) If you kill me, you kill a royal
magistrate.

Don Lope It matters not! For I am Lope Ben Ali Arabian


potentate!

Don Lope Stand still you snail and fight like a man!

Frederick Impossible!

Don Lope Vile coward!


Frederick You wouldnt understand.

(They fight, Fredrick is disarmed and soundly beaten)

Don Lope (laughs) No hope for a nation of men raised on


cheese!!

Frederick My interest in Constance is not what it seems!! There


is more to my person than meets the eye!!

Don Lope Or less I should think, but if this be some lie


(threatening)

Frederick On my honour, I pledge, before this night is through,


Constance will have no suitor save you. You have my
word Sir, she will be your wife, or on the point of your
sword, I yield my life!

Don Lope (considers for a while) A bargain we have made.

Frederick You will have satisfaction.

Don Lope Or your funeral will be this towns next attraction!!


(sheathes his sword and exits)
Lovers and Executioners (2)
John Strand

(Don Lope practising his expert swordplay. CONSTANCE, making


an effort not to be impressed, observes)

Constance You're not bad at that.

Don Lope I am a deadly force.

Constance In war, or conversation?

Don Lope You mock me, of course.

Constance I, mock you? Sir, what gives you that impression?

Don Lope Laugh while you can. I have in my possession


Certain means to take that smirk off your face.

Constance So. The brave soldier will put me in my place?

Don Lope For that very task, Madam, I have been bred.

Constance And where is my place?

Don Lope On your back, in my bed.

Constance You will win that battle, Captain, only in your dreams.
I am free to choose my lover.

Don Lope To you, so it seems.


I have set myself a goal. I plan to succeed.
I intend to tame you. It is my discipline you need.

Constance The boasting soldier. Really, Sir. You bore me.


All these swaggering tales and Spanish vainglory.
You're a champion swordsman. I grant you, that's
true.
Yet, of all your admirers, the foremost... is you.

Don Lope You accuse me of vanity and pride. Is that it?


Constance Oh, you're sharp, Don Lope. What rapier wit.

Don Lope Your insults do not harm me. These I rise above.
And I counterattack be reasserting my love.

Constance Ha! You're relentless. You refuse to understand?


Let me spell it out: You're not my kind of man.
Your favour and attentions, these I reject.
Is that clear?

Don Lope Yes. But this I cannot accept.

Constance Great God...

Don Lope You underestimate the military spirit.


This attempt to dissuade me - No, no, I won't hear it.
Unconditional surrender - this is your fate.
With my weapon unsheathed, I stand at your gate.

Constance Well, re-sheath it please, and leave me alone.

Don Lope No negotiations. Madam, let it be known


That you are my target, my trophy of war,
Or I am not Don Lope, conquistador!

Constance Captain, give up. You shall not win this heart.

Don Lope I am determined as a rock.

Constance And just as smart.


I have plans, Don Lope, and they don't include you.
With my life, I alone shall decide what to do.
Macbeth
William Shakespeare

Macbeth Why should I play the Roman fool, and die


On mine own sword? Whiles I see lives, the gashes
Do better upon them.

Macduff Turn hell-hound, turn!

Macbeth Of all men else I have avoided thee.


But get thee back, my soul is too much charged
With blood of thine already.

Macduff I have no words:


My voice is in my sword, thou bloodier villain
Than terms can give thee out!

Macbeth Thou losest labour;


As easy mayst thou the intrenchant air
With thy keen sword impress, as make me bleed.
Let fall thy blade on vulnerable crests;
I bear a charmed life, which must not yield
To one of woman born.

Macduff Despair thy charm,


And let the angel whom thou still hast served
Tell thee, Macduff was from his mothers womb
Untimely ripped.

Macbeth Accursed be that tongue that tells me so,


For it hath cowed my better part of man.
And be these juggling fiends no more believed,
That palter with us in a double sense;
That keep the word of promise to our ear,
And break it to our hope. Ill not fight with thee.

Macduff Then yield thee coward,


And live to be the show and gaze othtime.
Well have thee, as our rarer monsters are,
Painted upon a pole, and underwrit,
Here may you see the tyrant.

Macbeth I will not yield


To kiss the ground before young Malcolms feet,
And to be baited with the rabbles curse.
Though Birnam wood be come to Dunsinane,
And thou opposed, being of no woman born,
Yet I will try the last. Before my body
I throw my warlike shield. Lay on Macduff,
And damned to him that first cries Hold, enough!
The Maid of New Orleans
Friedrich Schiller

Knight They heed me not! They stay not at my call!


Do I alone retain my sober senses,
While all around in wild delirium rave?
To fly before these weak, degenerate Frenchmen
Whom we in twenty battles have overthrown?
Who is she then the irresistible
The dread-inspiring goddess, who doth turn
At once the tide of battle, and transform
The lions bold a herd of timid deer?
A juggling minx, who plays the well-learned part
Of heroine, thus to appal the brave?
A woman snatch from me all martial fame?
She comes! I will not passively await
Her furious onset!

Enter Johanna

Johanna The wall is scaled and we are in the camp!


Ho! torches here. Hurl fire into the tents!
Let the devouring flames augment the horror,
While threatening death doth compass them around!

Knight Accursed one! Thy hour of death has come!

Johanna Deluded mortal! To destruction doomed!


Thourt fallen in the maidens hand, from which
Redemption or deliverance there is none.

Knight Long have I sought thee on the battle-field,


With weapons let us fight, and not with words.

Johanna To encounter me is certain death.


For my dread compact with the spirit realm
The stern inviolable bindeth me,
To slay each living thing whom battles God,
Full charged with doom, delivers to my sword.
Knight Fatal delusion! get thee back to hell,
Whence thou didst issue forth.
The arts of hell shall not protect thee more.
Thou hast till now weak dastards overcome;
Now thou dost meet a man.

Johanna Look upon me! Im born a shepherd maid;


This hand, accustomed to the peaceful crook,
Is all unused to wield the sword of death,
But heaven-appointed to achieve your ruin.
Like a destroying angel I must roam,
Spreading dire havoc around me, and at length
Myself must fall a sacrifice to death!

Knight Now, if thou art a mortal like myself,


Can weapons wound thee, it may be assigned
To this good arm to end my country's woe,
Thee sending, sorceress, to the depths of hell.
In God's most gracious hands I leave my fate.
Now combat for thy life!

Knight Oh, I must die! I feel the grasp of death!

Johanna Die, friend! Why tremble at the approach of death?


Of mortals the irrevocable doom? I at length
Myself shall perish, and fulfil my doom.
Now thine fulfil. Arise! Resume thy sword,
And let us fight for the sweet prize of life.

Johanna The day of vengeance is at length arrived.


Now fling aside the mantle of still night,
Which hitherto hath veiled your silent march,
And your dread presence to the foe proclaim.
By your loud battle-cry God and the maiden!
The Maid's Tragedy
Francis Beaumont & John Fletcher

King Come, my dear and kiss me;


Ill be thy Mars. To bed, my queen of love
There thou shalt know the state of my body better.

Evadne I know you have a surfeited foul body,


And you must bleed.

King Bleed!

Evadne Ay, you shall bleed. This steel


Comes to redeem the honour that you stole,
King, my fair name, which nothing but thy death
Can answer to the world.

King Hows this, Evadne?


Thou dost not mean this; tis impossible
Thou art too sweet and gentle.

Evadne No I am not. Once I was lovely til thou,


Thou foul canker didst poison me.
Made me give up mine honour, for which.
King, I am come to kill thee.

King No!

Evadne I am!

King Thou art not!


I prithee speak not these things, thou art gentle.

Evadne If thy hot soul had substance with thy blood,


I would kill that too.

King Thou soul of sweetness, hear! I am thy king

Evadne Thou art my shame!

King Hold Evadne!


I do command thee, hold. What bloody villain
Provokd thee to this murder!
Evadne Thou, thou monster!

King Oh, Evadne, pity me.

Evadne Hell take me then! This, for my Lord Amintor!


This, for my noble brother, and this stroke
For the most wronged of women!

King Oh! I die.

Evadne Die all our faults together! I forgive thee.


The Maid's Tragedy (2)
Francis Beaumont & John Fletcher

Aspatia Please it your lordship to command your man


Out of the room, I shall deliver things
Worthy your hearing.

Amintor Now, your will, sir?

Aspatia When you know me, my lord, you needs must guess
My business, and I am not hard to know,
For till the chance of war marked this smooth face
With these few blemishes, people would call me
My sister's picture, and her mine: In short
I am the brother to the wronged Aspatia.

Amintor Here I stand that did it. Gentle youth,


Leave me, for there is something in thy looks
That calls my sins in a most hideous form
Into my mind, and I have grief enough
Without thy help.

Aspatia I would I could with credit.


She used few words,
But yet enough to make me understand
The baseness of the injuries you did her.
The little training I have had is war.
I am but young, and would be loth to lose
Honour that is not easily gained again.
Fairly I mean to deal. If you like your sword,
Use it; if mine appear better to you,
Change: for the ground is this, and this the time
To end our difference.

Amintor If I have aught


That may content thee, take it and be gone,
For death is not so terrible as thou:
Thine eyes shoot guilt into me.

Aspatia Thus she swore thou wouldst behave thyself,


And yet she bade me watch lest I were cozened,
And be sure to fight ere I returned.
I do not deal uncivilly with those
That dare to fight, but such a one as you
Must be used thus.

Amintor I prithee, youth, take heed.


Thy sister is a thing to me so much
Above mine honour that I can endure
All this - good gods! A blow I can endure -
But stay not, lest thou draw a timeless death
Upon thyself.

Aspatia Thou art some prating fellow,


One that has studied out a trick to talk
And move soft-hearted people; to be struck,
Thus to be struck! Why should you be so slow
In giving me my death?

Amintor A man can bear


No more and keep his flesh. Forgive me, then;
I would endure yet if I could. Now show
The spirit thou pretendest, and understand
Thou hast no hour to live.

What dost thou mean?


Thou canst not fight: The blows thou mak'st at me
Are quite besides, and those I offer at thee
Thou spreadst thine arms and tak'st upon thy breast,
Alas, defenceless!

Aspatia I have got enough,


And my desire. There is no place so fit
For me to die as here.

Amintor I have a little human nature yet.


The wrong I did Aspatia stands up.
I have not such another fault to answer.
My soul will part less troubled
When I have paid to her in tears my sorrow.

Aspatia Thou art there already, and these wounds are hers.
The threats I brought with me sought not revenge,
But came ti fetch this blessing from thy hand.
I am Aspatia yet.
The Mark of Zorro
John Taintor Foote & Garrett Fort

Capitan There. (completes letter) This should please that


maniac.

Enter Diego, quietly.

Diego You forgot to sign, Capitan. (reading) So you tried to


get gold out of the country did you? You know Ill surely
kill you if you try to leave.

Capitan Ill cut your throat from ear to ear.

Diego I must please ask you to change the subject. I object to


talk of throat cutting.

Capitan Quiet you popinjay, Ive no reason for letting you live
either.

Diego What a pleasant coincidence, I feel exactly the same


way about you capitan.

Capitan You wouldnt care to translate that feeling into action,


would you?

Diego I might be tempted if I had a weapon.

Capitan Would you?

Ha, you have a champion Luis, and what a champion.

Ill make it short and save you fatigue.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Diego Ha, ha, ha.

Capitan Are you alright, Diego?

Diego (Fine) The fencing master has met his match.

Capitan Careful, careful! (Are you tiring Diego?)


Diego Not at all, I could play all day, but it wont take that
long.

Good effort capitan.

Capitan The next will be better my fancy clown.

Diego Ah, the capitans blade is not so firm.

Capitan Still firm enough to run you through.

Diego I needed that scratch to awaken me.


The Mask of Zorro

Elena Good morning, Senor.

Zorro Good morning, senorita.

Elena Give it back.

Zorro What?

Elena Whatever it is you have stolen from my father, I want


it back. Give it to me.

Zorro No.

Elena I saw you take something from the library.

Zorro Me? No.

Elena Then I will take it from you.

Zorro Come on. I havent the time to give you the proper
instruction.

Elena I have had the proper instruction since I was four.

Zorro Not bad at all.

Elena So arrogant!

Zorro Ha!

Elena Put your weapons down.

Zorro This will make it more difficult, Senorita. Dont move.


Do you surrender?

Elena Never. But I may scream.

Zorro I understand. Sometimes I have that effect. Excuse


me. Goodbye senorita.
Medea (1)
Euripides

Jason Unbar the doors! Open, and let me see


Two horrors: my dead sons and the woman I will kill.
O children, what a wicked mother Fate gave you!

Medea O sons, your fathers treachery cost you your lives.

Jason It was not my hand that killed my sons

Medea No not your hand


But your insult to me, and your new-wedded wife

Jason You thought that reason enough to murder them,


That I no longer slept with you?

Medea And is that injury


A slight one, do you imagine to a woman?

Jason Yes, to a modest woman; but to you the whole


world lost.

Medea I can stab too; your sons are dead!

Jason Dead? No! they live


To haunt your life with vengeance.

Medea Who began this feud?


The gods know

Jason Yes they know the vileness of your heart

Medea Loathe on! Your bitter voice how I abhor the sound!

Jason As I loathe yours. Let us make terms and part at


once.

Medea Most willingly. What terms? What do you bid me do?

Jason Give me my sons for burial and mourning rites.


Medea Oh, no! I will myself convey them to the temple
Of Hera Acrea; there in the holy precinct I
Will bury them with my own hand, to ensure that
none
Of my enemies will violate or insult their graves.

Jason The curse of childrens blood be on you!


Avenging Justice blast your being!

Medea What god will hear your imprecation?


Oath-breaker, guest deceiver, liar?

Jason Unclean, abhorrent, child-destroyer!

Medea Go home: your wife waits to be buried.

Jason I go a father once; now childless

Medea You grieve too soon. Old age is coming.

Jason Children how dear you were!

Medea To their mother not to you

Jason Dear and you murdered them?

Medea Yes Jason, to break your heart.

Jason I long to fold them in my arms


To kiss their lips would comfort me.

Medea Now you have loving words, kisses for them:


Then you disowned them, sent them into exile.

Jason For Gods sake, let me touch their gentle flesh.

Medea You shall not. It is a waste of breath to ask

Jason Zeus, do you hear how I am mocked,


Rejected, by this savage beast
Polluted with her childrens blood?
But now as time and strength permit
I will lament this grievous day
And call the gods to witness, how
You killed my sons, and now refuse
To let me touch or bury them.
Would God I had not bred them
Or ever lived to see
Them dead, you their destroyer!
Medea (2)
Euripides

Jason Unbar the doors! Open, and let me see


Two horrors: my dead sons and the woman I will kill.

Medea Why all the noise? Why are you hammering at the
door? You're a little late to be looking for your family.

Jason You abomination. That you, a mother, could lift your


sword to your little ones. How could I not have seen
the beast inside you? You killed your little brother the
day you stepped aboard the Argo: You walked his
blood across the decks.That's how you began. Go on
to Hell, Child-butcher! She-witch!

Medea If you thought you could dishonour my bed, then enjoy


the rest of your days laughing about it, you were
wrong. And so was your pretty princess. Call me what
you want - I know that I have split you open and
reached your heart with this.

Jason Children, you had evil as a mother!

Medea Children, your father's treachery brought this on you.

Jason It was not my hand that killed my sons.

Medea No, it was your lust, and the insult of your new
marriage. The heavens know who started this.

Jason They know your evil heart.

Medea Hate on! I am so sick of your pathetic voice.

Jason And I am heart-sick of yours. I would never hear it


again.

Medea Willingly. What are your last words to me?

Jason Allow me my dead children. To bury them in peace and


mourn them.
Medea No.

Jason Then I call on the Fury of Vengeance and the agents of


justice to cut you down.

Medea What god or higher power would listen to an oath-


breaker and a liar?

Jason I came here a father, and go home childless. Oh my


children, my dear sons.

Medea Dear to their mother, not to you.

Jason So dear you killed them?

Medea That you might die of grief.

Jason Let me just touch them once more: hold them in my


arms and kiss them one last time.

Medea You rejected them, sent them into exile, and now you
want their kisses?

Jason One last time...?

Medea No. You waste your breath.


A Midsummer Nights Dream, (Act III, Sc 2)
William Shakespeare

Hermia O me! (To Helena) You juggler! You canker-


blossom!
You thief of love! What, have you come by night
And stoln my loves heart from him?

Helena Fine, ifaith!


Have you no modesty, no maiden shame,
No touch of bashfulness? What, will you tear
Impatient answers from my gentle tongue?
Fie, fie, you counterfeit! You puppet you!

Hermia Puppet! Why, so? Ay, that way goes the game!
Now I perceive that she hath made compare
Between our statures; she hath urgd her height;
And with her personage, her tall personage,
Her height, forsooth, she hath prevaild with him.
And are you grown so high in his esteem
Because I am so dwarfish and so low?
How low am I, thou painted maypole? Speak:
How low am I? I am not yet so low
But that my nails can reach unto thine eyes.

Helena I pray you, though you mock me, gentlemen,


Let her not hurt me. I was never curst;
I have no gift at all in shrewishness;
I am a right maid for my cowardice;
Let her not strike me. You perhaps may think,
Because she is something lower than myself,
That I can match her.

Hermia Lower? Hark, again!

Helena good Hermia, do not be so bitter with me.


I evermore did love you, Hermia,
Did ever keep your counsels, never wrongd you,
Save that, in love unto Demetrius,
I told him of your stealth unto this wood.
He followd you; for love I followd him;
But he hath chid me hence, and threatend me
To strike me, spurn me, nay, to kill me too:
And now, so you will let me quiet go,
To Athens will I bear my folly back,
And follow you no further. Let me go:
You see how simple and how fond I am.

Hermia Why, get you gone! Who ist that hinders you?

Helena A foolish heart that I leave here behind.

Hermia What! with Lysander?

Helena With Demetrius.


(....)
Oh when she is angry, she is keen and shrewd;
She was a vixen when she went to school,
And though she be but little, she is fierce.

Hermia Little again? Nothing but low and little?


Why will you suffer her to flout me thus?
Let me come to her!
(....)

Helena I will not trust you, I,


nor longer stay in your curst company.
Your hands than mine are quicker for a fray:
My legs are longer though, to run away.
Moliere
Screenplay by Gregoire Vigneron & Laurent Tirard

Moirron This is an outrage!

Moliere Bastard! Bastard!

Moirron You dared to strike me. Prepare yourself. I challenge


you.

Moliere You challenge me? Get out of my house. I cant


believe my eyes I cant. So thats it? You eat my
bread and now you dishonour me. Get out. Drop your
sword.

Moirron Father, youre making a mistake. We were only


rehearsing Psyche. Dont you recognize your own
play? Why are you ruining my life?

Moliere Get out or I will run you through. I mean it.

Moirron You are mad, father. You are a lunatic, like


Sganarelle.

Moliere Vagrant! I brought you in from the cold and now Im


going to throw you back again. You are dismissed
from the company of the Palais Royale. Go.

Moirron I dont believe you. Youre throwing me out of the


company?

Moliere Get out you thief, you adopted thief.

Moirron Monsieur Moliere, are you sure you wont regret this?
I know a secret. And theres still a king in France.
Monsieur.

Moliere I thank you for your loyalty. I can see very clearly
now. My heart might have softened towards you
before you said that, but now its too late, you
pathetic little gipsy.

Moirron Father.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Arthur Old woman!

Dennis Man!

Arthur Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over
there?

Dennis I'm thirty seven.

Arthur What?

Dennis I'm thirty seven - I'm not old!

Arthur Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

Dennis Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

Arthur Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'

Dennis Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Arthur I did say sorry about the 'old woman,' but from the
behind you looked

Dennis What I object to is you automatically treat me like an


inferior!

Arthur Well, I AM king...

Dennis Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated
imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an'
social differences in our society! If there's ever going to
be any progress

Arthur How dare you slander the name of the monarchy,


stand thy foot.

Dennis Ill foot you mate!


Dennis You see what did I tell ya, We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working
classes

Arthur Be quiet! Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Dennis Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

Arthur I am your king!

Woman Well, I didn't vote for you.

Arthur You don't vote for kings.

Woman Well, 'ow did you become king then?

Arthur The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest
shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the
bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence
that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am
your king! And why you should grace me with silence.

Dennis Bog off you upper middle class git!

Arthur I have no quarrel with you good sir so stand aside,


thus speak the lady of the lake

Dennis Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing


swords is no basis for a system of government.
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate
from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic
ceremony.

Arthur Shut up, Shut up, Shut up you bloody fool, will you be
silent I wont tell you again.

Dennis Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive


power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at
you!

Arthur Right you stupid bastard!

Dennis Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.


Arthur Shut up!

Dennis Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the


system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!

Dennis Alright, well call it a draw.


The Murders At Argos
David Foley

Menelaus Electra, get out of my way.

Electra Am I in your way? I don't know what you mean.

Menelaus You know very well. I want you to give up this Orestes
business. No more search parties. No more public
prayers. No more sacrifices and libations and tearing
at your dress.

Electra And why not?

Menelaus Because it causes unrest. It's setting the populace on


edge.

Electra If their king is gone, what do you expect?

Menelaus Their 'king'?

Electra Agamemnon is dead. His son is king. Do you deny it?

Menelaus Not in the least. But on a practical level, 'King' Orestes


has disappeared and no-one knows if he's alive or
dead.

Electra I know he's alive!

Menelaus Your faith becomes you, but your brother fled raving
into the wilderness. Shall we look at the situation with a
clear eye?

Electra My eyes are clear! Orestes will return.

Menelaus Electra, you haven't seen as much of the world as I


have - you haven't seen the ignorance, brutality and
savagery that seethe just beyond well-kept borders.
What matters right now is keeping chaos at bay, and
for that you need strength. You can't do it with the
doubtful expectation that a lunatic boy will at some
time come back to place his feeble hand on the rudder.
Electra Is that where you come in? Are you our strength?

Menelaus It's only my presence here that has kept the mob from
tearing you apart.

Electra And I'm supposed to be - what? - grateful? Scared? It


doesn't change a thing. You can't take away my
brother's rights.

Menelaus It's not the rights or wrongs that make a king. It's
whose ass is on the throne. And just at the moment
mine is.

Electra You have a kingdom in Sparta. That's not enough for


you?

Menelaus I have two sons. and Agamemnon barely has the one.
Two sons, two kingdoms. It has a certain symmetry.

Electra Yes, very neat. Well, if you're already king, what do you
want from me?

Menelaus To stand aside. To stop this nonsense about Orestes.


To let the people forget and take a new ruler.

Electra I can't forget. Why should they? And I won't let them.
How can you - ? You've made a sewer of the world.
And now you want to rule? You have no right! I won't
let you!

Menelaus And who has the right, Electra? You?

Electra Whatever I do, I do for Orestes.

Menelaus Oh, it's not Orestes who wants to rule. It's Electra. Isn't
that what this is all about? Orestes, poor incapable
little mite, sitting on the throne. Electra standing behind
him telling him what to do. Isn't that what you've
always wanted? A chance to make the world behave?

Electra As long as I have breath, as long as I have movement,


I'll walk up and down the streets - I'll clamber on the
rooftops - and howl my brother's name. And he will
come back. I know he will come back.

Menelaus Don't you think, Electra, that I could snap Orestes in


two with one bare hand?

Electra In the Golden Age there were no kings. There were no


laws. There was no need for them. Everyone lived in
harmony and comfort under an endless summer sky.
And there was no fear. Some day the Golden Age will
return and everyone will live in peace again.

Menelaus Just a sad little secret, Electra: There never was a


Golden Age. And there never will be. We take what we
can get.
Nil by Mouth
Gary Oldman

Ray Come on. Val, Val, wake up, wake up.

Val What?

Ray Come on, I want to talk to you.

Val Whats the matter?

Ray Come on, I want to talk to you. Ive got something for
you. Come on. Now. Val.

Val Whats the matter? (pause) Ray? Ray?

Ray Whats going on?

Val What?

Ray Whats going on?

Val What you on about?

Ray Who is the cunt you were playing pool with?

Val Who?

Ray The cunt you was playing pool with?

Val Well, hes a mate of Gus and Paulas.

Ray Where dyou meet him?

Val Well, I dont whats all brought this on?

Ray When dyou meet him?

Val Ray, I dont know, I dont know

Ray Where did you fucking meet him? I didnt fucking


ask you
Val Meet him? Meet him? I just know him. Hes a mate
of Gus and Paulas, I seen him a couple of times
when Ive been down there.

Ray How many times? How many times you fucking seen
this Peter then? I mean what are you humping
him?

Val Oh, dont be stupid. Look, I dont

Ray Are you fucking him? Cos you looked a little bit too
fucking friendly to me!

Val Whod fancy me, eh?

Ray Tell me, fucking straight, are you fucking him?

Val Oh, I cant be doing with this!

Ray Oy, dont fucking walk way from me. Come here.

Val I need a cigarette.

Ray You want a fucking fag, have a fucking fag. Come


here, cunt. Come here. Why you going round there?
You fucking him? That fucking twat Angus did he
fix you up with one of his little mates, the cunt, did
he? The cunt.

Val No, I go round there, right, 'cos I cant stand this, see,
I cant stand you.

Ray On, oh, oh, oh so its true then, is it?

Val Whats true? What?

Ray That you said you cant fucking stand me.

Val No, I mean, I cant stand this, I cant stand this, all the
time

Ray What? Fucking what? Fucking what? What?


Val My fucking awful life with you!

Ray Cunt (hits her and kicks her on each separate


repetition of the word) Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt.
Cunt. Cunt.
The Odd Couple (Female version)
Neil Simon

Florence You are one of the biggest slobs in the world.

Olive I see.

Florence And completely unreliable.

Olive Is that so?

Florence Undependable

Olive Is that it?

Florence Unappreciative, irresponsible, and indescribably


inefficient.

Olive What is that, a Cole Porter song?

Florence Thats it. Im finished. Now youve been told off. How
do you like that?

Olive Good. Because now Im going to tell you off. For


eight months Ive lived all alone in this apartment. I
thought I was miserable. I thought I was lonely. I
took you in here because I thought we could help
each other... And after three weeks of close, personal
contact, I have hives, shingles and an outbreak of
psoriasis ... I am growing old at twice the speed of
sound... I have seven new liver spots on my hand
that look like the Big dipper ... I cant take any more
Florence. Im going inside to lie down now, my teeth
are coming loose and Im afraid if I drop them in here,
youll get out your vacuum cleaner again.
(She goes off, a wreck.)

Florence (Waits, then -) Walk on the papers, will you? I just


washed the floors in there. (Olive comes back out,
seething, a maniacal look in her eyes, bent on
murder. She comes after Florence) Keep away from
me. Im warning you, dont you touch me.
Olive In the kitchen! I want to get your head in the oven
and cook it like a capon.

Florence Youre going to find yourself in one sweet lawsuit,


Olive.

Olive Its no use running, Florence. Theres only six rooms


and I know all the shortcuts.

Florence Is this how you settle your problems, Olive? Like an


animal? (grabs her pocketbook, takes out an object
and points it at him) Stand back! Thats tear gas. You
lay one finger on me and youll be using eyedrops the
rest of your life.

Olive You want to see how I settle my problems? Ill show


you how I settle them. (She runs into Florences
bedroom).

Florence Alright. (Calling out) I warned you. Im turning on


my siren. (He presses switch but it doesnt scream.
He holds it to his ear and listens.) Whats wrong with
this? Have you been playing with my siren? Goddam
it! Twenty-two fifty for a piece of Japanese shit!

(Olive comes out of bedroom with an empty suitcase.


She throws it on the table)

Olive Ill show you how I settle them! (opens up suitcase,


stands back) There! Thats how I settle them.

Florence (confused) Where are you going?

Olive Not me, you idiot! Your! Youre the one whos going.
Ill fix your siren so it can whistle for a cab.

Florence What are you talking about?

Olive The marriage is over, Florence. Were getting an


annulment. I dont want to live with you anymore. I
want you to pack your things, tie it up with your Saran
Wrap and get out of here.

Florence You mean actually move out?


Olive (heads for kitchen) Actually, physically and
immediately. (She gets pots and pans in kitchen.
She comes out with the utensils, drops them in the
bag and slams the bag closed). There! Youre all
packed.

Florence You know, Ive got a good mind to really leave.

Olive (looks up to heaven) Why doesnt she hear me? I


know Im talking, I recognise my voice.
The Odd Couple (Original version)
Neil Simon

Felix You are one of the biggest slobs in the world.

Oscar I see.

Felix And completely unreliable.

Oscar Is that so?

Felix Undependable.

Oscar Is that it?

Felix Unappreciative, irresponsible, and indescribably


inefficient.

Oscar What is that, a Cole Porter song?

Felix Thats it. Im finished. Now youve been told off. How
do you like that?

Oscar Good. Because now Im going to tell you off. For


eight months Ive lived all alone in this apartment. I
thought I was miserable. I thought I was lonely. I
took you in here because I thought we could help
each other... And after three weeks of close, personal
contact, I have hives, shingles and an outbreak of
psoriasis ... I am growing old at twice the speed of
sound... I have seven new liver spots on my hand
that look like the Big dipper ... I cant take any more
Felix. Im going inside to lie down now, my teeth are
coming loose and Im afraid if I drop them in here,
youll get out your vacuum cleaner again.
(He goes off, a wreck.)

Felix (Waits, then -) Walk on the papers, will you? I just


washed the floors in there. (Oscar comes back out,
seething, a maniacal look in his eyes, bent on
murder. He comes after Felix) Keep away from me.
Im warning you, dont you touch me.
Oscar In the kitchen! I want to get your head in the oven
and cook it like a capon.

Felix Youre going to find yourself in one sweet lawsuit,


Oscar.

Oscar Its no use running, Felix. Theres only six rooms and
I know all the shortcuts.

Felix Is this how you settle your problems, Oscar? Like an


animal? (grabs his pocketbook, takes out an object
and points it at him) Stand back! Thats tear gas. You
lay one finger on me and youll be using eyedrops the
rest of your life.

Oscar You want to see how I settle my problems? Ill show


you how I settle them. (He runs into Felixs
bedroom).

Felix Alright. (Calling out) I warned you. Im turning on


my siren. (He presses switch but it doesnt scream.
He holds it to his ear and listens.) Whats wrong with
this? Have you been playing with my siren? Goddam
it! Twenty-two fifty for a piece of Japanese shit!

(Oscar comes out of bedroom with an empty


suitcase. He throws it on the table)

Oscar Ill show you how I settle them! (opens up suitcase,


stands back) There! Thats how I settle them.

Felix (confused) Where are you going?

Oscar Not me, you idiot! Your! Youre the one whos going.
Ill fix your siren so it can whistle for a cab.

Felix What are you talking about?

Oscar The marriage is over, Felix. Were getting an


annulment. I dont want to live with you anymore. I
want you to pack your things, tie it up with your Saran
Wrap and get out of here.
Felix You mean actually move out?

Oscar (heads for kitchen) Actually, physically and


immediately. (He gets pots and pans in kitchen. He
comes out with the utensils, drops them in the bag
and slams the bag closed). There! Youre all
packed.

Felix You know, Ive got a good mind to really leave.

Oscar (looks up to heaven) Why doesnt he hear me? I


know Im talking, I recognise my voice.
Oedipus the King (1)
Sophocles

Oedipus What you? How dare you come here? How can you
find the impudence to show yourself before my
house, when you are clearly proven to have sought
my life and tried to steal my crown? Why, do you
think me then a coward, or a fool, that you should try
to lay this plot? You were made, so to attempt the
throne, poor and unaided: this is not encompassed
without the strong support of friends and money!

Creon This you must do: now you have had your say, hear
my reply; then yourself shall judge.

Oedipus A ready tongue! But I am bad at listening to you.


For I have found how much you hate me.

Creon One thing: first listen to what I have to say.

Oedipus One thing: do not pretend youre not a villain.

Creon If you believe it is a thing worth having, insensate


stubbornness, then you are wrong.

Oedipus If you believe that one can harm a kinsman without


retaliation, you are wrong.

Creon What do you wish? To drive me into exile?

Oedipus No, more than exile: I will have your life.

Creon When will it cease, this monstrous rage of yours?

Oedipus When your example shows what comes of envy?

Creon Must you be stubborn?

Oedipus You speak to me as if I were a fool!

Creon Because I know youre wrong


Oedipus Right, for myself!

Creon It is not right for me!

Oedipus But youre a traitor.

Creon What if your charge is false?

Oedipus I have to govern

Creon Not govern badly

Oedipus Listen to him Thebes.

Creon Youre not the city. I am Theban too.


Oedipus the King (2)
Sophocles

OEDIPUS Teiresias, seer who comprehendest all,


Thou know'st,
What plague infects our city; and we turn
To thee, O seer, our one defence and shield.
One course alone could rid us of the pest,
To find the murderers of Laius,
And slay them or expel them from the land.
O save thyself, thy country, and thy king,
Save all from this defilement of blood shed.

TEIRESIAS Alas, alas, what misery to be wise


When wisdom profits nothing!

OEDIPUS For shame! no true-born Theban patriot


Would thus withhold the word of prophecy.
Oh speak, Withhold not, We are all thy suppliants.

TEIRESIAS Aye, for ye all are witless, but my voice


Will ne'er reveal my miseries--or thine.

OEDIPUS What then, thou knowest, and yet willst not speak!
Wouldst thou betray us and destroy the State?

TEIRESIAS I will not vex myself nor thee. Why ask


Thus idly what from me thou shalt not learn?

OEDIPUS Monster! thy silence would incense a flint.


Will nothing loose thy tongue?

TEIRESIAS Thou blam'st my mood and seest not thine own


Wherewith thou art mated.

OEDIPUS And who could stay his choler when he heard


How insolently thou dost flout the State?

TEIRESIAS I have no more to say; storm as thou willst,


And give the rein to all thy pent-up rage.

OEDIPUS Yea, I am wroth, and will not stint my words,


But speak my whole mind. Thou methinks thou art he,
Who planned the crime, aye, and performed it too.
Yea, thou alone didst do the bloody deed.

TEIRESIAS Is it so? Then I charge thee to abide


By thine own proclamation; from this day
Speak not to these or me. Thou art the man,
Thou the accursed polluter of this land.

OEDIPUS Vile slanderer, thou blurtest forth these taunts,


And think'st forsooth as seer to go scot free.

TEIRESIAS Thy frown I dread not, for thou canst not harm me.
Yea, I am free, strong in the strength of truth.

OEDIPUS Who was thy teacher? not methinks thy art.

TEIRESIAS Thou, goading me against my will to speak.

OEDIPUS What speech? repeat it and resolve my doubt.

TEIRESIAS Didst miss my sense wouldst thou goad me on?


I say thou art the murderer of the man
Whose murderer thou pursuest.

OEDIPUS Thou shalt rue it


Twice to repeat so gross a calumny.

TEIRESIAS Must I say more to aggravate thy rage?

OEDIPUS Say all thou wilt; it will be but waste of breath.

OEDIPUS Offspring of endless Night, thou hast no power


O'er me or any man who sees the sun.
Is this a plot of Creon, or thine own?

TEIRESIAS Not Creon, thou thyself art thine own bane.


This day shall be thy birth-day, and thy grave.

OEDIPUS No matter if I saved the commonwealth.

TEIRESIAS Hear then: this man whom thou hast sought to arrest
With threats and warrants this long while, the wretch
Who murdered Laius--that man is here.
Co-partner, and assassin of his sire.
Go in and ponder this, and if thou find
That I have missed the mark, henceforth declare
I have no wit nor skill in prophecy.
On Emotion
Mick Gordon & Paul Broks

Lucy Are you fucking my dad? (beat) Are you fucking my


dad? (beat) Answer the question Anna.

Anna Lucy!

Lucy You wouldn't! How could you? You would never. You're
my best friend.

Anna Yes. Yes I am.

Lucy I saved your fucking life, you fucked-up slut!

Anna Can you hear what you're saying, Lucy?

Lucy Do you suck his cock?

Anna Stop this. Right now.

Lucy Do you suck my father's cock Anna? Jesus Christ.


Don't answer that. Well do you? Answer my fucking
question, at least do me the courtesy of answering the
fucking question. You whore. You disgusting fucking
total whore.

Anna I think you'd better go.

Lucy You think I'd better go?

Anna I think it would be sensible.

Lucy You think it would be sensible? You're fucking my


father and you think it would be sensible if I go?

Anna What's happened to you?

Lucy Nothing's happened.

Anna Something's happened to make you this frightened.

Lucy I'm not frightened.

Anna You're frightened Lucy. It's why you sleep with so many
stupid men and think it's the same as falling in love.
Lucy I should have let you kill yourself.

Anna Maybe you should.

Lucy You really are fucking mad!

Anna And you are a small, frightened, pathetic little child.

Lucy Well at least I'm not a baby-killer!

Anna Get out of my house Lucy. Now.

Lucy I'm pregnant.

Anna Now!

Lucy I'm pregnant Anna. And I can't even bake.


The One
Vicky Jones

Harry Do you want me now?

Jo No.

Harry (subtly changing his physicality and voice ever so


slightly) Now?

Jo No.

Harry You're a fucking treat, you are.

Jo I'm bored of you.

Harry What do you want from me, Jo?

Jo I want you to take control.

Harry Of what?

Jo Surprise me. Wipe the smile off my face.

Harry You want me to hit you?

Jo Do whatever you want.

Harry For fuck's sake tell me what you want. What do you
want?

Jo Rape me.

Harry You want me to 'rape' you?

Jo Maybe Harry. Show me something fucking new.


Because one thing's for sure, I don't want you right
now.

Harry I'm trying to understand you and I cannot understand


you.

Jo I think I'm being fucking clear.


Harry Just to be crystal clear: Are you asking me to be
sexually violent with you, against your will?

Jo Yes.

Harry Don't play with this.

Jo I'm not playing.

Harry I don't like this any more.

Jo Pussy.

Harry You want me to do it in a way that would make you not


want it?

Jo Yes.

Harry You want to be scared?

Jo Yes.

Harry You want to be hurt?

Jo Yes.

Harry I don't want to hurt you.

Jo You hurt me all the time.

Harry I've got big shoulders. I can take you on. You can't
push me away. Women don't ask to be raped. You
don't want to know what it feels like.

Jo You don't get it.

Harry You are such a little bitch. You're nasty. You're


manipulative. You're arrogant. You don't know what
you want. You want to be dominated but you hate the
lack of power. You want to be the cleverest but you
resent it when you win. You loathe yourself. I'm the
only one who understands you. And that. Is why. I will
never. Be. Alone.

Jo For fuck's sake Harry. Why do you have to ruin


everything?

Harry You were too fucking convincing. Can I help that?

Jo I told you what I wanted. I knew you'd fuck it up. You


were born a pussy and you've remained a pussy for
your whole life. Pussy!
Jo What do you actually want from me Harry? Do you get
a kick out of this? Out of all the humiliation? My
humiliation? Do you, you little yapping. Whippet?

Harry Fuck off.

Jo Wow. That's all you've got? Lets call it a night


One Corpse too Many
Ellis Peters

Hugh Beringar I demand justice upon you, who have abused


your position in the King's confidence. You have
stolen from the dead, to the shame of your nobility,
and committed murder, to the shame of your
manhood. I stand on my charges, to prove them with
my body. And here is my gage.

Adam Courcelle You have bided your time to throw this


thunderbolt.

Beringar I was loathe to spoil your supper, but neither would


put off what should not be.

Courcelle What is that thing?

Beringar It is a dagger, taken from the dead body of Giles


Siward, an act unworthy of a Knight or Gentleman.
The Man who took the dagger also murdered Siward
- that is your second offence.

Courcelle Folly, or Villainy. How come I into such a matter? It


may be true that a dagger was stolen from a dead
man, and that this thief slew the man to steal. But as
for how I come into this tale- when did I ever see this
supposed dagger. Has any ever seen me wear such
a thing? If there be any witness in ward or lodging of
mine, let me know of it.

Beringar My gage is lying upon the floor. You only have to take
it up. I have not withdrawn it.

Courcelle Follow your thread from this dagger by all means, if


thread there be, but until you can trace this dagger
into my hands, be careful how you toss challenges to
mortal combat about you, young man, for they may
be taken up, to your great consternation.

Beringar There is a witness- a fisherman's boy, who has put


the dagger- and the whole story- into my hands.
Courcelle This is utterly false. I deny that I ever saw the thing
until now.

Beringar Are you saying that the child lies? To what end?

Beringar I have appealed you of murder, and repeat that


accusation. Let us finish this without ceremony or
preparation.

Courcelle Let it be so. I accept battle without formality, without


need for practice. Vox Dei est in Stavae Dominis.

Beringar I trust I have proven my case against a Murderer, and


have God's countenance and approval.
Orange Is The New Black (2)

Tiff Hey college, I got words for you. Alright, I'm just gonna
put it to you straight, College; I've been harbouring
some... really bad hate in my heart for you.

Piper But I saved you, I got you out of psych.

Tiff You saved me from some shit you got me into. Don't
be surprised if there's not a national holiday declared in
your name.

Piper You got me thrown into the SHU-

Tiff Who's talking right now?...Do you realise that you


almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the
Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to
me. What do you believe in?

Piper If I had to label it, I'd have to say that I'm a secular
humanist.

Tiff You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop. You believe
in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare
books and do you go out to eat to restaurants? I don't
have any of that, okay? All I have is Him.

Piper I'm sorry.

Tiff Don't ask for my forgiveness. You should ask for His
forgiveness. You need to get right with Him... And then,
we don't have to fight anymore.

Piper I wasn't planning on fighting with you.

Tiff Well, then, just do it.

Piper Right now?

Tiff Yeah, right here, right now. Got somewhere to be?


Piper Dear Jesus...Um...Dear... Mr. Christ? Dear Mr...Okay!
Nope, see, I can't do this. I'm sorry. I really want us to
get along, I do, but I can't pretend to believe in
something I don't. And I don't.

Tiff Chapman...we've all had our doubts.

Piper No, see, this isn't doubts. I believe in science...I


believe in evolution. I cannot get behind some
supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards
while a million people get wacked with machetes. I
don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell. I don't
think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't
believe that people die young because God needs
another angel. I think it's just bullshit. I gotta go.

Tiff Hey! Hey! Where do you think you're going? I tried to


be your friend

Piper Okay. We can talk about this.

Tiff I don't wanna talk.

Piper I am not going to let you intimidate me, Tiffany. What


do you want?

Tiff What do I want? Hmmm... I want you to feel the same


pain on your body as you have made me feel...in my
heart.

Piper Oh, no. Oh, no. You do not wanna fight with me right
now, crazy.

Tiff I don't wanna fight you. I wanna end you right now.

Piper You better stop. Mr Healy's right over there.

Tiff Hi Mr Healy!

Piper Mr Healy! Mr Healy! Mr Healy! She's trying to kill me!

Tiff [laughing] Oh! Look what you brought out to play.

Piper You back the fuck off me!


Tiff You think I'm scared of you? Do you? I'm not scared of
you. 'Cause I got God by my side. And he told me that
you ain't worth nothin'!
See? See how he just works through me? And he
wants me to smite you. I see things. Hmmm. She-devil.
That's what you are. You're the devil and I'm the angel
of God. 'Cause God loves me. He don't love you.
'Cause you ain't worthy of God's love, you ain't worthy
of nobody's love. So I think it's time...that you die.
The Orphan of Zhao
Ji Junxiang (attrib.)

Tuan Gu The Emperors will was that I should succeed him to


the throne. Perhaps you didnt know that. Perhaps I
thought you were still too young to be told the secret.
But you must have guessed that if I become Emperor,
you, as my heir, as my son, my inheritor in all things,
you too would . . . You look at me as if I were
something detestable. Speak to me at least.

Cheng Bo Poison, the dagger, the bowstring you gave my


father a choice, and I bring the same choice for you.
The common man would be glad to die by the ordinary
hempen rope, if it should come to that the end might
be mercifully swift. The bowstring would be a quick
death. As for the poison, no poison can be relied on to
work in an instant. Courage is all a man needs, to take
that remedy. And I am told my father had courage.

Tuan Gu My son, my son, I do not understand this. What has


happened? Has Cheng Ying killed himself?

Cheng Bo I am not your son. I am not the son of Cheng Ying. My


father died long ago, before I was born. He killed
himself at your command. I am the Orphan of Zhao.

Tuan Gu The Emperor is dead and you bring me the bowstring


and instruct me how to kill myself the bowstring I
myself ordered to be made for you. Here is the
gratitude of a son.

Cheng Bo You destroyed my father. You exterminated my clan.


You did not rest until you were reassured you had
killed me. I have brought you the three imperial
punishments, three ways of escape from the anger of
the crowd. Choose now before the doors are battered
down.

Tuan Gu The people may hate me they always hate a strong


ruler. But they love you. It is in your power to protect
me.
Cheng Bo I loved you once, and felt all the gratitude of a son. I
would have laid down my life to protect you. But for
now my protection extends thus far and no further: I
have persuaded the guard to let you die here by your
own hand and in the manner of your choosing.

Tuan Gu You have conspired against me.

Noise

What is that?

Cheng Bo It is the crowd. They have broken into the courtyard.


Yes, there was a conspiracy. Only now am I learning
the part I have played in it from the moment of my
birth. The part I have still to play that part is revealed
to me with every step I take.

Tuan Gu Cheng Ying has lied to you. He told you some story
and, like a child, you have taken him at his word.

Cheng Bo Cheng Ying could have lied to me. China did not lie to
me. I made a journey and I saw what I saw. I set out as
a child. I crossed seven rivers twice over. Cruelty killed
the child in me and left me with this mystery to solve.

Tuan Gu Is it not most cruel to kill one who has been a father to
you?

Cheng Bo I will not kill you unless you beg me to. The crowd will
demand and answer from you, and they will make you
pay at length for their suffering.

Death is not always swift, as I learnt on my journey.


Men squeal like pigs, and the worst of it is to see their
shame the secret and beautiful organs of the body
tossed into the crow. None of this is strange to you, I
think.

Tuan Gu A ruler has to be cruel to be strong.

Cheng Bo Be strong now, be cruel and rule yourself. The gates


have been forced, and the crowd is in the outer
chamber. In a moment the guard will come and take
you and throw you to your destiny.

Tuan Gu Kill me. I am afraid. I dare not kill myself. Kill me


quickly if ever you loved me.

Cheng Bo I loved you once. Your fear has killed you. No one will
fear you now.
Our Lady of 121st Street
Stephen Adly Girguis

Norca Inez Smith. Shit. Is that really you?

Inez Norca Garcia.

Norca Girl. You are looking too fine. Jesus. How long its
been.

Inez Nevah mind all that.

Norca Say, hows Walter doing?

Inez Walter and I have been divorced for 5 years now baby.
I hope the bastards got leukaemia.

Norca .Dag Inez, you funny.

Inez How you mean?

Norca I mean you funny like how you make your face look
when you say shit, like when you said suspect.

Inez My face is my face.

Norca See, you doin it right now!

Inez Im not doin nuthin.

Norca Yes you are, and its funny. Dass all. Its a compliment,
OK? Cuz sometimes I think about funny things you
usta say that was funny, or how your face looked like
when you was reactin ta something like in school
or when we had them sleepovers at your aunts house
or, like, ya know, all the times we was together
and , I think to myself, damn, that bitch was funny,
and I wanna juss laugh, and I do laugh, and its helpful
to laugh sometimes and dass cuz of you, so dass
all.

Inez Yeah, OK.


Norca I aint tryin ta say nuthin.

Inez OK, then.

Norca What?...You aint got no compliment for me?

Inez Well, Norca, other than, Gee, girl, your0 fat ass
bounced off my kitchen table real nice when you was
servin up your stank pussy to my husband other
than that, I admit Im drawing a complete blank.

Norca Whatever

Inez That all you got to say?

Norca Im juss tryin ta have a nice conversation.

Inez You fucked my husband!

Norca I dont know what you talkin bout!

Inez Youre lyin.

Norca No I aint!

Inez You fucked my husband!

Norca You aint missed me after all these years?

Inez You fucked my husband!

Norca I mean, besides that.

Inez You fucked my husband!

Norca Dont be breathin up on me! You want me to bust you


in your mothafuckin face?!

Inez Yes. I would like very much for you to bust me in my


mothafuckin face, Mammal Girl. Please hit me.
Please.

Norca Ill do it, ya drunk-ass bitch!


Inez Please.

Norca I will!

Inez Hit me. Right now, Norca. Hit me now!

Inez Norca you fucked my husband!

Norca How many times I gotta apologise for that?!

Inez How about once!?

Norca Awright, shit. I apologise, OK?

Inez OK.

Norca OK, then.

Inez OK.

Norca Im juss tryin ta have a nice conversation.


Phoenician Women
Euripides

Eteocles The time for talking has passed. There is now way
that we shall be reconciled except on the terms I have
stated: that I retain the throne and rule this land of
Thebes. Leave me be, Polynices. You had better
take yourself outside the city walls, on pain of death.

Polynices And who will kill me? Who is so immune to wounds


that he might stab me with his sword without earning
himself the same fate?

Eteocles She is close by, not far away. Do you see these
hands of mine?

Polynices Yes, I can see them, but wealth breeds cowardice and
an abject fondness for life.

Eteocles So you brought all these troops to engage a non-


entity in battle?

Polynices Yes, for a cautious commander is better than one who


takes risks.

Eteocles This boasting of yours is born from your confidence in


the truce, which is the only thing stopping you from
dying.

Polynices The same goes for you. But I repeat my demand for
rulership and a portion of the land.

Eteocles I refuse to accept your demand. The royal house is


mine and I shall live there.

Polynices With more than your fair share.

Eteocles Yes. Now leave this land!

Polynices O altars of my ancestral gods, hear me, I pray


Eteocles What sort of hearing do you expect to get as an
invader of your own country? Go and call on the
gods in Mycenae, not here!

Polynices You act with impiety

Eteocles But at least Im no enemy of my country, as you are.

Polynices Banishing me and refusing me my fair share.

Eteocles Yes and I shall kill you too.

Polynices Father, can you hear what I have to put up with?

Eteocles Yes, because he can also hear what youve been up


to.

Polynices Mother can you hear him too?

Eteocles How dare you mention our mother!

Polynices Mother, I only hope you may be happy. You are


losing your son.

Eteocles The whole house can go to hell!


Pirates of the Caribbean
Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio

Will You're the one they're hunting. The pirate.

Jack You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you


before?

Will I make a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates.

Jack Ah, well, then it would be a shame to put a black


mark on your record. So, if you'll excuse me Do
you think this wise, boy crossing blades with a
pirate?

Will You threatened Miss Swann .

Jack Only a little. You know what youre doing. Ill give you
that. Excellent form. But hows your footwork? If I
step here; very good. Now I step again. Ta. That is a
wonderful trick except, once again you are
between me and my way out. And now you have no
weapon. Who makes all these?

Will I do! And I practice with them three hours a day!

Jack You need to find yourself a girl, mate! Or perhaps the


reason you practice three hours a day is that you
already found one and are otherwise incapable of
wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch, are you?

Will I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a


pirate, I can kill it! You cheated!

Jack Pirate! Move away.

Will No.

Jack Please move.

Will No! I cannot just step aside and let you escape.

Jack This shot is not meant for you.


Playhouse Creatures
April De Angelis

Nell The clock has struck four. Ill show that Mrs. Marshall
who is the better actress! Disguised as a gentleman,
what better way to impress her husband the director?

Mrs Marshall So he thinks Im too old to play the shepherdess.


I know his game Ive seen him sniffing round that
Nell. Well, well seeno soul would dare bar the way
of a Gentleman entering the inn.

Nell How now Sir youre in my path!

Mrs M Nay Sir, you are in mine!

Nell I take exception to that!

Mrs M And I too! Will you not step from my course?

Nell Im buggered if I will!

Mrs M Then I take you for an intolerable plaguey rogue!

Nell And I take you for a pox-ridden poltroon!

Mrs M Will you draw Sir?

Nell Certainly prepare to gasp your last!

Mrs M Say farewell to the sun. (Mind, he has a fine pair of


legs for one so foul-lipped.)

Nell (I swear the oaf has a mouth the colour of cherries.)


Do you concede Sir? Are you willing to submit to a
superior striker Sirrah?

Mrs M Sure it is you that must crumble I can defeat a


hundred like you.

Nell Ill skewer you! (Odd! I could swear that there is


something almost feminine in the deft way in which
he wields his weapon.)
Mrs M Come on, I will not suffer defeat!

Nell What was that about defeat? Agree the more


skilful swordsman won.

Mrs M You were saying?

Nell I think I have proved my point.

Mrs M Hardly, foolish fellow.

Nell Who is the fool now?

Mrs M Methinks it is you! The path, I own it, is now mine!

Mr Marshall I think youll find it is mineSirs! You are both bereft


of luck I have me here a new, younger leading lady.
Farewell!
Posh
Laura Wade

Chris What the hell do you think youre playing at? What the
hell have you done to my pub?

Alistair We said before wed pay our way. You wont be out of
pocket.

Chris Who the hell do you think you are? I dont want your
money.

Alistair We made a deal.

Chris I didnt make any deal.

Alistair Five hundred pounds? Earlier? Dyou remember?

Chris That wasnt a deal.

Alistair For fucks sake.

Chris Dont start with me, my friend. What the hell dyou think
gives you the right -

Alistair Get away from me or Ill -

Chris Look, you -

Alistair You want to persist in being stupid? Sit down.

Chris I won't sit -

Alistair Sit. Down. This is what happens. You go back out there
quietly and we do this and we pay you. We pay you a
large amount of money - in cash - we pay you and we
go away and everyones happy. Alright?

Chris Everyones happy? What youve done to my pub -

Alistair Fucks sake.

Chris I dont want your money.


Alistair Yes you do. Yes you fucking do. Its the only reason
were still here, cause you know theres a fistful of
notes coming at the end of the night.

Chris Something happened to my daughter in here.

Alistair Youre daughter? What?

Chris Im saying maybe you assaulted my daughter.

Alistair Assaulted her?

Chris Ten of you in one room, innocent young girl? I heard


you muttering obscenities earlier. Something about
pussy. If any of you so much as -

Alistair Mate, I wouldnt fuck her with a bargepole. Your


daughters a fucking slapper, total prick tease. You
dont wear a black bra under a white shirt without
meaning something.

Chris You want a sexual assault conviction? Cause thats


not something you can pay your way out of.

Alistair The fuck are you saying?

Chris Think you can buy your way out of everything, dont
you? People like you think the world -

Alistair Oh I know youre torn up inside cause you think you


dont like me. News for you guv - you fucking love me,
youd like to be me. But you cant quite admit it, can
you?
The Prince and The Soldier

Prince Alharam So, it has come to this, the disreputable house of


my rivals have now truly shown their contempt by
sending you, a mere woman, to carry out their
dubious sentence. My family will never be
vanquished. I come from a long line of rulers.

Soldier And I Sir, come from a long line of fighters.

Prince Lady, you are no fighter.

Soldier You cannot provoke me sir, truth is truth, right is right,


well win the revolution, say what you like.

Prince You will fail, what kind of army are you, half of you
are wet liberals, the other half women, and everyone
knows all women are shall we say, very highly strung,
not practical or in the least bit pragmatic.

Soldier: You should bear in mind sir that in my family there is


no distinction between male and female. There are
only soldiers

Prince Ah, rubbish! Anyone standing there holding a sword


can make a claim to being a soldier.

Soldier That is true sir, are you presenting a challenge?

Prince Absolutely, if Allah had wanted to create female


soldiers he would have made them with balls.

Soldier Thats very funny sir, are you trying to tell me you
have some?

Prince Insolent bitch! I am going to teach you a lesson you


will never, ever forget.

Soldier It is you sir who is going to learn a thing or two about


life and the gender politics you and your cronies have
been practising all this time.
Prince Hah, apologise now while you still can; better still
surrender.

Soldier Never!

Prince I think that I will kill you with my hands in the name of
Allah and all my glorious Ancestors before me.

Soldier You sir, will die in Allahs name I, on the other hand
will live to fight another day like the true solider that
I am.

Prince Your speech does not surprise me, are not most
women prone to fantasy?

Soldier Fantasy sir, I would have thought is more the


province of the more emasculated male such as
yourself.

Prince Bitch say goodbye to life.

Soldier Hah! Say hello to your fellow tyrants in hell!


The Princess Bride (1)

Humperdinck To the death!

Westley No! To the pain.

Humperdinck I dont think Im quite familiar with that phrase.

Westley Then Ill explain. And Ill use very small words so that
youll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.

Humperdinck That may be the first time in my live that a man


has dared to insult me.

Westley It wont be the last. To the pain means the first thing
you lose will be the feet, below the ankles. Then your
hands, at the wrist. Next, your nose...

Humperdinck Then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too


quickly last time, a mistake I dont mean to duplicate
tonight.

Westley I hadnt finished. The next you lose will be the left eye,
then the right.

Humperdinck And then my ears. I understand. Lets get on with


it.

Westley Wrong! Your ears you keep and Ill tell you why: so that
every shriek of every child whos seen your hideousness
will be yours to cherish; every babe that weeps at your
approach; every woman who cries out, Dear God! What is
that thing? will echo in your perfect ears. Thats what To
the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish,
wallowing in freakish misery for ever.

Humperdinck I think youre bluffing.

Westley Its possible, pig. Its conceivable, you miserable,


vomitous mass, Im only lying here because I lack the
strength to stand. Then again perhaps I have the strength
after all... Drop your sword.
The Princess Bride (3)

Inigo Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.


Prepare to die.

Fight

Inigo Sorry father. I tried. I tried....

Rugen You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to


all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been
tracing me your whole life only to fail now? I think thats
the worst thing Ive ever heard. How marvellous.

Inigo Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.


Prepare to die.

Rugen Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? Youve got
an over-developed sense of vengeance. Its going to
get you into trouble someday.

Inigo Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.


Prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You
killed my father. Prepare to die.

Rugen Stop saying that!

Inigo Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.


Prepare to die! Offer me money.

Rugen Yes.

Inigo Power too. Promise me that.

Rugen All that I have and more. Please.

Inigo Offer me anything I ask for.

Rugen Anything you want.

Inigo I want my father back you son of a bitch!

Kill
Private Lives
Noel Coward

Elyot Youd better turn that off, I think.

Amanda (coldly) Why?

Elyot Its very late and it will annoy the people upstairs.

Amanda There arent any people upstairs. Its a


photographers studio.

Elyot There are people downstairs, I suppose?

Amanda Theyre away in Tunis.

Elyot This is no time of the year for Tunis. (He turns the
gramophone off)

Amanda (icily) Turn it on again, please.

Elyot Ill do no such thing.

Amanda Very well, if you insist on being boorish and idiotic.


(She gets up and turns it on again)

Elyot Turn it off. Its driving me mad.

Amanda Youre far too temperamental. Try to control yourself.

Elyot Turn it off.

Amanda I wont. (Elyot rushes at the gramophone, Amanda


tries to ward him off. They struggle silently for a
moment then the needle screeches across the
record) There now, youve ruined the record. (She
takes it off and scrutinizes it)

Elyot Good job, too.

Amanda Disagreeable pig.


Elyot (suddenly stricken with remorse) Amanda, darling -
Sollocks.

Amanda (furiously) Sollocks yourself. (She breaks the record


over his head)

Elyot (staggering) You spiteful little beast. (He slaps her


face. She screams loudly and hurls herself sobbing
with rage on to the sofa, with her face buried in the
cushions)

Amanda (wailing) Oh, oh, oh -

Elyot Im sorry, I didnt mean it - Im sorry, darling, I swear I


didnt mean it.

Amanda Go away, go away, I hate you. (Elyot kneels on the


sofa and tries to pull her round to look at him)

Elyot Amanda - listen - listen -

Amanda (turning suddenly, and fetching him a welt across the


face) Listen indeed, Im sick and tired of listening to
you, you damned sadistic bully.

Elyot (with great grandeur) Thank you. (he stalks towards


the door, in stately silence. Amanda throws a
cushion at him, which misses him and knocks down
a lamp and a vase on the side table) (Elyot laughs
falsely) A pretty display I must say.

Amanda (wildly) Stop laughing like that.

Elyot (continuing) Very amusing indeed.

Amanda (losing control) Stop - stop - stop - (She rushes at


him, he grabs her hands and they sway about the
room, until he manages to twist her round by the
arms so that she faces him, closely, quivering with
fury) - I hate you - do you hear? Youre conceited,
and overbearing, and utterly impossible!
Elyot (shouting her down) Youre a vile tempered loose-
living wicked little beast, and I never want to see you
again so long as I live.

He flings her away from him, she staggers, and falls against a
chair. They stand gasping at one another in silence for a moment.

Amanda (very quietly) This is the end, do you understand?


The end, finally and forever.

She goes to the door, which opens on to the landing, and


wrenches it open. He rushes after her and clutches her wrist.

Elyot Youre not going like this.

Amanda Oh yes I am.

Elyot Youre not.

Amanda I am; let go of me - (He pulls her away from the door,
and once more they struggle. This time a standard
lamp crashes to the ground) Youre a cruel fiend, and
I hate and loath you; thank God Ive realised in time
what youre really like; marry you again, never, never,
never .... Id rather die in torment -

Elyot (at the same time) Shut up; shut up. I wouldnt marry
you again if you came crawling to me on your bended
knees, youre a mean, evil minded, little vampire - I
hope to God I never set eyes on you again as long as
I live -

At this point in the proceedings they trip over a piece of carpet,


and fall to the floor, rolling over and over in paroxysms of rage.
Victor and Sibyl enter quietly, through the open door, and stand
staring at them in horror. Finally Amanda breaks free and half
gets up. Elyot grabs her leg, and she falls against a table,
knocking it completely over.

Amanda (screaming) Beast; brute; swine; cad; beast; beast;


brute; devil
She rushes back at Elyot who is just rising to his feet, and gives
him a stinging blow, which knocks him over again. She rushes
blindly off Left, and slams the door, at the same moment that he
jumps up and rushes off Right, also slamming the door. Victor
and Sibyl advance apprehensively into the room, and sink on to
the sofa.
Red
John Logan

ROTHKO American painter, 50s or older

KEN his new assistant, 20s

ROTHKOs studio, 222 Bowery, New York City. Circa 1958-1959

KEN is alone. Then the sound of a slamming door from outside


surprises him. ROTHKO rages in, flinging off his overcoat and hat.

Rothko THEYRE TRYING TO KILL ME! I swear to God theyre


trying to kill me! Those prosaic insects! Those
presumptuous, counter-jumping, arriviste SONS-OF-
BITCHES!

He stops.

What is this music?

Ken Chet Baker. Its jazz.

Rothko Like I care. When you pay the rent, you can pick the
records.

KEN takes the record off. ROTHKO fumes.

(seriously) These young artists are out to murder me.

Ken Thats kind of extreme. You sound like an old man.

Rothko My point is... People like me... My contemporaries, my


colleagues...Those painters who came up with me. We
all had one thing in common... We understood the
importance of seriousness.

Beat.

Ken Youre too much.

Rothko What?
Ken You heard me.

Rothko What did you say to me?

Ken Who are you to assume theyre not serious?

Rothko Look at their work. Not like you usually look at things, like
an overeager undergraduate

Ken I have.

Rothko You know the problem with those painters? They are
painting for this moment, right now. And thats all.
Because those goddamn galleries will do anything for
money. Thats business young man, not art!

KEN approaches. Not backing down.

Ken You ever get tired of telling people what art is?

Rothko No, not ever. Until they listen. Better you should tell me?
Fuck off.

Ken Youre just mad because the Barbarians are at the gate.
And whattaya know, people seem to like the Barbarians.

Rothko Of course they like them. Thats the goddamn point! You
know what people like? Pretty. Beautiful. Nice. Fine.
Thats our life now! Well let me tell you, everything is not
fine!

Ken Whats wrong with

Rothko I AM HERE TO STOP YOUR HEART, YOU


UNDERSTAND THAT?... I AM HERE TO MAKE YOU
THINK!... I AM NOT HERE TO MAKE PRETTY
PICTURES!

Ken So said the Cubist, the second before you stomped him
to death. You guys went after the Cubists and Surrealists
and, boy, did you love it. And now your time has come
and you dont want to go. Well, exit stage left, Rothko.
Because Pop Art has banished Abstract Expressionism. I
only pray to God they have more generosity of spirit than
you do, and allow you some dignity as you go.

Dont worry; you can always sign menus for money.

Rothko How dare you?

Ken Do you know where I live?

Rothko (confused) What?

Ken You know if Im married?

Rothko What?

Ken You know if Im married? Dating? Queer? Anything?

Rothko No, why should

Ken Two years Ive been working here. Eight hours a day, five
days a week and you know nothing about me.

Rothko What is - ?

Ken You know Im a painter, dont you?

Rothko I suppose.

Ken No, answer me. You know Im a painter?

Rothko Yes.

Ken Have you ever once asked to look at my work?

Rothko Why should I? Youre an employee. This is about me.


Everything here is about me. You dont like that; leave. Is
that what this is all about? Baby feels wounded Daddy
didnt pat him on the head? Mommy didnt hug you
today?

Ken Stop it

Rothko Dont blame me, I didnt kill them.


Ken Stop it - !

Rothko Go find a psychiatrist and quit whining to me about it,


your neediness bores me

Ken (explodes) Bores you? Bores you?! Christ almighty try


working for you for a living! The talking-talking-talking-
jesus-christ-wont-he-ever-shut-up titanic self-absorption
of the man! You stand there trying to look so deep when
youre nothing but a solipsistic bully with your grandiose
self-importance and lectures and arias and lets-look-at-
the-fucking-canvas-for-another-few-weeks-lets-not-
fucking-paint-lets-just-look. And the pretension! Jesus
Christ, the pretension! I cant imagine any other painter
ever tried so hard to be SIGNIFICANT.

You know, not everything has to be so IMPORTANT all


the time. Not everyone wants art that actually HURTS.
Which you might learn if you ever actually left your
goddamn hermetically sealed submarine here with all the
windows closed and no natural light BECAUSE EVEN
NATURAL LIGHT ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

But then, nothing is ever good enough for you! Not even
the people who buy your pictures. So who is good
enough to own your art?! Anyone? You say you spend
your life in search of real human beings. But in your
heart you no longer believe those people exist. My
friend, I dont think youd recognise a real human being if
he were standing right in front of you.

Never mind.

Rothko Dont give up so easy.

You do make one salient point, though not the one you
think. I do get depressed when I think how people are
going to see my pictures. If theyre going to be unkind.
Selling a picture is like sending a blind child into a room
full of razor blades. Its going to get hurt and its never
been hurt before, it doesnt know what hurt is. Thats why
these are different. You dont understand my intention.
Ken Your intention is immaterial. The art has to speak for
itself. Just admit your hypocrisy. Sure you can kid
yourself youre making a holy place of contemplative
awe, but in reality youre just decorating another dining
room for the super-rich.

Rothko You think Im kidding myself. You think its all an act of
monumental self-delusion... Answer me.

Ken Yes.

Beat.

Im fired, arent I?

Rothko Fired? This is the first time youve existed.


Reasons To Be Pretty
Neil LaBute

Greg So what'd she say? I mean, that I said?

Steph Oh, so now you want me to say it?

Greg If you need to so bad...

Steph I though you didn't want me to, thought you said it was
stupid.

Greg That was before...

Steph 'Before' what?

Greg Before... you pissed me off.

Steph Oh. Oh I see... Before I pissed you off? You're pissed


off now, Fucker?! / God, you are such a prick, Greg.

Greg And again with the mouth. / Stop!! My God, you're like
a Chris Rock concert or something... with all the...

Steph Fuck you, asswipe! AHHHH!!

Greg Can we not make the entire building aware of your


psychotic break with reality?

Steph Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU! FUCK
YOU!!

Greg OK, you know what? I don't have to stand here and
take this... I don't. You've got a real issue with your
temper there, Steph...

Steph No, don't you... / Don't yop even...

Greg I'm sorry but it's true - you're acting crazy now! Like a
fucking nutcase!

Steph Shut up, fuckhead. / You fucker...


Greg I mean it. / You're crazy - a goddamn loon!

Steph Tell me what you said. TELL ME, I just want you to say
it and then I'll stop!

Greg No... / No, you're... What is up with you?!

Steph Say it! / SAY IT!!

Greg It's not... / I didn't say... How did this happen, why are
you such a freak? I mean, this is like a serious
personality glitch you've got there...

Steph SAY IT TO ME, SAY IT! / SAY IT NOW!!

Greg Stephanie, stop it or I'll call the cops myself, I will. /


STOP! It'll be me this time, OK, not the neighbours! I'm
not kidding around here!! Seriously...

Steph THEN SAY IT! SAY IT. Just do it and I will quit.

Greg Fine. /

Steph Fine. / Prick... do it. GO!

Greg ...Stop. OK? Just stop. (Beat) Kent said something


about a new girl at work, some younger gal who just
got hired - she's not in our division but over in the
shipping office, works swing shift - and he thought she
was hot. Said she was pretty and I agreed and that
was all. Really. / Yeah.

Steph That's it. / Huh.

Greg No big deal.

Steph I see. (Beat) And nothing about me?

Greg I'm... / I don't think I said any-

Steph You didn't say anything about me compared to her?


Nothing? / No?
Greg ...No. No, not in comparison or... / Nope.

Steph Or anything like that? At all? / You got this far, don't
fuck it up now...

Greg I said... no, what I said was, I know what I said now... It
was, like, umm, 'Yeah, well, maybe Steph hasn't got a
face like that girl's - maybe her face is just regular - but
I wouldn't trade her for a million bucks.' Something like
that.

Steph Oh. / Ahhhh. / 'Regular.'

Greg Yeah. That was all... I'm... yes. Regular.

Steph OK.

Greg See? I never said 'ugly.' / I just...

Steph Uh-huh. / Yep. That's what Carly said to me you said.


Those exact words.

Greg Alright then. Which was not meant as any sort of


comparison. / It wasn't.

Steph No? / Really?

Greg At all! It was more of, like, a point of contrast - with


you as the good thing.

Steph Huh. (Beat) Even though she's beautiful?

Greg 'Pretty.' Yeah, Steph, it was meant as a compliment. It


was. / Honestly.

Steph I see... / A 'compliment.' Well, guess what? It's fucking


not!
Red Peppers
Nol Coward

George Now then.

Lily Now then what?

George Now then what!

Lily I dont know what youre talking about.

George Oh, you dont, dont you?

Lily No, I dont, so shut up.

George I suppose you dont know you mucked up the whole


exit!

Lily It wasnt my fault.

George Whose fault was it then Mussolinis?

Lily I see. Funny, hey?

George I suppose you didnt drop your prop, did you?

Lily Never mind about that the exit was too quick.

George It was the same as its always been.

Lily It was too quick, I tell you, its been too quick the
whole week; the whole numbers too quick

George Bert Bentley takes that number at the same tempo as


hes always done.

Lily You and your Bert Bentley.

George Bert Bentleys the best conductor in the North of


England and dont you make any mistake about it.
Lily Best conductor my foot! I suppose he thinks its
funny to see us leaping up and down the stage like a
couple of greyhounds.

George If youre a greyhound, Im Fred Astaire.

Lily Oh, youre Fred Astaire all right, with a bit of Pavlova
thrown in theres nothing you cant do, except
behave like a gentleman.

George Oh, so you expect me to behave like a gentleman, do


you? Thats a good one, coming from you.

Lily Oh, shut up, you make me tired.

George I make you tired! I suppose it was me that mucked


up that exit I suppose it was me that dropped me
bloody telescope!

Lily Now look here, George Pepper

George Stop George Peppering me why cant you admit it


when youre in the wrong? You mucked up the exit
nobody else did you did!

Lily Well, what if I did? It was an accident, wasnt it? I


didnt do it on purpose.

George It doesnt matter how you did it or why you did it


you did it.

Lily All right, I did it!

George Well, dont do it again.


La Reine Margot
Alexandre Dumas. Screenplay by Daniele Thompson & Patrice Chereau

Navarre Theyre ringing bells? Theres no-one left to kill!

Anjou Wrong! Your friend Conde got away.

Navarre One more Protestant, one less. Who cares! You can
be proud. Proud to rule over a country full of dead
bodies. Paris is a cemetery. Your subjects are either
dead or covered in shame! They were my wedding
guests and you used me as bait for the massacre.

Anjou Our family doesnt need bait to start a massacre.

Navarre How many killers did you take along?

Anjou I only finished, with pleasure, what the king started.

Navarre How many men did it take to kill Coligny?

Anjou You are no longer to leave the Louvre. That way


youll be with your Protestant friends.

Navarre Every night I see my people being slaughtered, I hear


screams, people yelling murder, Death to the
Huguenot

Anjou We killed six thousand of you, but youre still alive.

Navarre You want us all dead. God will punish you! Our
brethren will come from all over to avenge us.

Anjou Nobody cares about the massacre except you .

Navarre What did you say?

Navarre Do what you like with me. Its too late, youre all
damned. God will punish you for this.

Anjou You Protestants always mention God!

Navarre Now God help me!


Anjou Peasant!

Navarre Now I know what hate is!


Revolutionary Road
Screenplay by Justin Haythe from the novel by Richard Yates

Frank Okay, okay, don't tell me. Don't tell me; let me guess. I
made a disgusting spectacle of myself.

April Right.

Frank And everything that man said is true. Right? Isn't that
what you're going to say?

April Apparently I don't have to. You're saying it for me.

Frank But you're wrong.

April Why am I wrong?

Frank Because the man is insane. He's fucking insane! Do


you know what the definition of insanity is?

April What is it, Frank?

Frank The inability to relate to another human being. It's the


inability to love.

April The in-- the in-- the inabil-- the inability to - Oh. Oh,
Frank, you really are a wonderful talker! If black could
be made into white by talking, you'd be the man for the
job. So now I'm crazy because I don't love you - right?
Is that the point?

Frank No. Wrong. You're not crazy and you do love me; that's
the point.

April But I don't. In fact I loathe the sight of you. You're just
someone who made me laugh at a party once.

Frank Well, what the hell are you living in my house for if you
hate me so much, huh? Will you answer me that? Why
the hell do you fuck me?

April Frank, if you come any closer, if you touch me or


anything I'll scream.
Frank Fuck you, April.

You know what you are when you're like this? You're
sick. I really mean that. You're sick!

April And you know what you are? You're disgusting.

Frank Oh yeah?

April Just because you've got me safely in this little trap, you
think you can bully me into feeling whatever you want!

Frank You in a trap! You in a trap! Jesus, don't make me


laugh!

April Yes, me. Me! Me! Me!

What're you going to do now? Are you going to hit me


again? To show how much you love me?

Frank You're not worth the powder it'd take to blow you up.
You're an empty, hollow fucking shell of a woman. It's
not my fault you didn't turn out to be an actress, and
the sooner you get over that little piece of soap opera,
the better off we'll both be.
Richard III
William Shakespeare (Boldly Adapted)

Anne Foul devil, for Gods sake hence, and trouble us not,
For thou has made the happy earth thy hell.

Richard Fairer that tongue can name thee, let me have


Some patient leisure to excuse myself.

Anne Fouler than heart can think thee, thou canst make
No excuse current but to hang thyself.

Richard I did not kill your husband.

Anne Why, then he is alive.

Richard Nay, he is dead, and slain by Edwards hand.

Anne In thy foul throat thou liest! Queen Margaret saw


Thy murderous falchion smoking in his blood;
The which thou once did bend against her breast
But that my brothers beat aside the point.

Richard I was prvokd by her slandrous tongue,


That laid their guilt upon my guiltless shoulders.

Anne Thou was provked by thy bloody mind,


That never dreamst on aught but butcheries.
Didst thou not kill this King?

Richard I grant ye, yea.

Anne Dost grant me hedgehog? The God grant me too


Thou mayst be damned for that wicked deed!
He is in heaven, where thou shall never come.

Richard Then let him thank me that holp to send him thither.
For he was fitter for that place than earth.

Anne And thou unfit for anyplace but hell!!

Richard Yes, one place else; if you will hear me name it.
Anne Some dungeon.

Richard Your bedchamber.


Anne Ill rest betide the chamber where thou liest!!

Richard So will it madam, till I lie with you!!


He lives that loves the better than he could.

Anne Where is he?

Richard Here. Why dost thou spit at me?

Anne Would it were mortal poison for thy sake!

Richard Never cam poison from so sweet a place.


Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made
for kissing, lady, not for such contempt.
If they revengeful heart cannot forgive,
Lo, here I lend you this sharp-pointed sword,
And humbly beg the death upon me knee
Nay, do not pause, for I did kill King Henry.
But twas thy beauty that provoked me.
Nay, now dispatch, twas I that stabbed young Edward,
But twas thy heavenly face that set me on.

Anne Arise, dissembler, though I wish thy death,


I will not be they executioner.

Richard Then bid me kill myself, and I will do it.

Anne I have already.

Richard Take up the sword again, or take up me.


Ring Round The Moon
Jean Anouilh

Diana Youve managed quite well, but if one hasnt a maid


who understands these things its almost fatal; with
the best will in the world one neglects oneself. No
woman can tend to herself and altogether survive.
Do you get up early in the morning?

Isabelle Yes

Diana Yes, one can see.

Isabelle Do you go late to bed?

Diana Yes.

Isabelle Yes, one can see.


Is it so pleasant to be unpleasant?

Diana No. But one cant always be pleased.

Isabelle Can you be unhappy as well? Thats very strange.


Why?

Diana I have too much money.

Isabelle Become poor then.

Diana Do you think its so easy?

Isabelle I make no effort.

Diana You dont know how lucky you are. I tell you money
is only worth something to the poor.

Isabelle Which proves there is something the matter with the


world. I have been humiliated and hurt this evening,
because Im one of the poor ones. Im going to do
what the poor ones always do. Im leaving words for
deeds, and asking you to go away.
Diana Go away? Do you think youre in your own home,
you little adventuress?

Isabelle Go and cry over your millions somewhere a long way


off. If you dont go I shall throw you out.

Diana Throw me out? I should like to see you try.

Isabelle Youre going to see me try. And as you wouldnt care


if I tore your dress, I shall smash your face instead.
God has been unusually impartial, giving us one face
each.

Diana Youre a common little slut. Do you think Im afraid?

Isabelle Not yet. But I think you may be.

Diana Ive got claws as well as you.

Isabelle Then use them.

Diana I was poor once myself.


When I was ten I fought all the little toughs on the
docks at Istanbul

Isabelle Well, are you satisfied now?


Road
Jim Cartwright

Enter Marion and Brian, pissed. Brian tries it on.

Marion (pushing him away) No I want a butty first.

Brian (indicating his trousers) Well there's some bloody


luncheon meat in there. Get one.

Marion Bloody hell. Bloody hell eh, can't even get us summat
to eat now.

Brian takes a drink.

Marion Give us a swig. (she takes the bottle and drinks. Brian
tries to grab it back) Eh, eh, I've not finished yet.

Brian You don't think you're having all me drink and not
giving us a shag do you?

Marion I don't tease a man, me. No way. I wouldn't give you a


jack on and then leave you. Come on Brian you know
me better than that. Get us a glass anyroad. Where's
your manners?

Brian Where's your daughter? (he spots a photograph) Is this


her? Well she's bloody gorgeous. Bloody gorgeous
her!

Marion Ey what's the fucking big idea?

Brian Aw, fuck off woman!

Marion I'll fuck off nowhere. Oh you nasty-minded bugger!

Brian Aw fuck off then. I'm going.

Marion Oh, that's that then is it? You're a selfish bastard you,
Brian. You know what your pissing problem is don't you
eh?

Brian What?
Marion You don't know how to treat a woman.

Brian You know what your pissing problem is don't you?

Marion What?

Brian You're not a woman, you're a tart.

Brian Are you fucking mental altogether?

Marion I will be if I have to fucking clout yer again!

Marion Eh come back you! I've not finished wi' you!

Brian Piss off out of it!

Marion No way! No way! You lousy dick! Stop still! STOP


STILL! STOP!

Brian You slag! You bloody fat slag!

Marion What was that? What was fucking that! HOLD STILL
YOU, YOU BASTARD!

Marion I'll kill you, Brian. I'll kill! I'm not joking.

Brian What a state to be in. The whole fucking road's out to


see the show.

Marion You what? This is your cunting fault all this! Get here
now!

Brian You've shown me up tonight 'a'nt you eh? You fat arsed
twat. Get home now!

Marion Brian! Brian! The bastard bleeding fuck!


The Roaring Girl
Thomas Middleton & Thomas Dekker

Enter Laxton in Grays Inn Fields with the Coachman.

Laxton Coachman.

Coachman Here, sir.

Laxton Prithee drive thy coach to Marybone Park, a fit place


for Moll to get in.

Coachman It shall be done sir.

Exit Coachman.

Laxton So,tis now about the hour of her appointment, but


yet I see her not. Hark whats this? One, two, three,
three by the clock at Savoy: this is the hour, and the
place. She swore shed meet me. I see none yet
dressed like her: I must look for a shag ruff, a short
sword, and safeguard, or I get none. Why, Moll,
prithee make haste, or the coachman will curse us
anon.

Enter Moll like a man

Moll Oh, heres my gentleman: How his eye hawks for


venery! - Come, are you ready, sir?

Laxton Ready? For what, sir?

Moll Do you ask that now, sir? Why was this meeting
pointed?

Laxton Whos this? Moll? honest Moll? Ill swear I know thee
not.

Moll Ill swear you did not: but you shall know me now.

Laxton No, not here, we shall be spied ifaith; the coach is


better, come.
Moll Stay.

Laxton What, wilt thou untruss a point, Moll?

She puts off her cloak and draws

Moll Yes, heres the point that I untruss: t has but one tag;
twill serve tho to tie up a rogues tongue.

Laxton How?

Moll Theres the gold with which you hired your hackney.
(Attacking him) Heres her pace. She racks hard, and
perhaps your bones will feel it!

Laxton Hold Moll, Mistress Mary.

Moll Draw, or Ill serve an execution on thee


Shall lay thee up till doomsday.

Laxton Draw upon a woman? why, what dost mean, Moll?

Moll To teach thy base thoughts manners: thart one of


those
That thinks each woman thy fond flexible whore
If she but cast a liberal eye upon thee.
How many of our sex by such as thou
Have their good thoughts paid with a blasted name
That never deserved loosely?
In thee I defy all men, their worst hates
And their best flatteries,
With which they entangle the poor spirits of fools.
I scorn to prostitute myself to a man,
I that can prostitute a man to me,
and so I greet thee.

Laxton Hear me.

Moll Would the spirits


Of all my slanderers were claspd in thine
That I might vex an army at one time.

They fight.
Laxton I do repent me! Hold!

Moll Youll die the better Christian then.

Laxton I do confess I have wrongd thee, Moll.

Moll Confession is but poor amends for wrong,


Unless a rope would follow.

Laxton I ask thee pardon.

Moll Im your hird whore, sir.

Laxton I yield both purse and body.

Moll Both are mine,


And now at my disposing.

Laxton Spare my life!

Moll I scorn to strike thee basely.

Laxton Spoke like a noble girl, ifaith!


Heres blood would have servd me this seven year in
broken heads and cut fingers, and now it runs out all
together. Pox a the Three Pigeons! I would the coach
were here now to carry me to the chirurgeons.

Moll If I could meet my enemies one by one thus,


I might make pretty shift with em in time
And make em know that she has wit and spirit.
My spirit shall be mistress of this house
As long as I have time int.
Robin Hood
Screenplay by Norman Reilly Raine & Seton I Miller

Guy of Gisbourne Why am I always surrounded by incompetent


fools!

Robin Hood You do look sour, Gisbourne. Whats the matter? Run
out of hangings?

Guy I know a ripe subject for one.

Robin: What, Sir Guy, no hearty greeting from you? Why,


thats curious. Ive often heard it said that you would
give me a warm welcome if ever we met again.

Guy Youre a very rash young man. This time I will not
waste Norman steel on you.

Guy Youre a surly Saxon noble, a notorious troublemaker,


an impudent and reckless rogue who goes about the
Shire stirring up the Saxons against authority.

Robin Oh, please, its Prince Johns inability to distinguish


between fair taxation and starvation that stirs the
people.

Guy Why, you speak treason man.

Robin Fluently.

Guy I advise you to curb that wagging tongue of yours or


Ill ram your words back down your throat.

Robin Id like to see you try.

Guy Say your prayers.

Robin Ill say one for you.

Guy Youve come to Nottingham Castle once too often.

Robin When this is over, my friend, therell be no need to


come again.
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves
Screenplay by Pen Densham & John Watson

Robin Will! I thought you were taken!

Will I was.

Robin How did you get away? Wait - nobody escapes the
sheriff unless hes lining his pockets.

Will I bring a message from Nottingham. Our men are to be


hung in the square at high noon tomorrow. The boy
too. Ten men in all. The hangings are to be part of the
celebrations for the sheriffs marriage.

Robin Marriage? To whom?

Will Lady Marian.

Robin You were to use these news to get close to me then kill
me, right Will? -- What are your intentions?

Will It depends on you, Locksley. Ive never trusted you,


thats no secret. What I want to know is, are you going
to finish what you started? Or are you going to turn and
run like the spoilt little rich boy I always took you for.

Robin Did I wrong you in another life, Will Scarlet? Where


does this untireable hatred for me come from?

Will From knowing from knowing that our father loved you
more than me!

Robin Our father?

Will Were brothers, Robin of Locksley! I am the son of the


woman who replaced your dead mother for a time!

Robin No!

Will It was your anger that drove them apart!

Robin Its a lie!


Will Its not a lie!

Will You ruined my life!!


Do you know what its like to watch the castle, thinking,
this should be my home? And then return to your
stinking peasants hut?! No, of course you dont!

Will So this is your nobility? This what your Holy Quest


taught you?!

Robin Maybe its not very noble but its the only way to
answer to a liar.

Will takes sword

Will Recognize this? It belonged to our father.

Robin I shall never fear my fathers sword.

Will Really?

Will Go on, Locksley, go on!

Robin Ive seen enough blood spilt to last two lifetimes.

Will I have more reason to hate you than anyone! But I


found myself daring to believe in you!

I want to know, brother, whether youll stay with us and


finish what youve started!

Robin I have a brother? I have a brother.


I will make my stand with you. Side by side. To the end.

Will To the end!


Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead
Tom Stoppard

Guildenstern What a fine persecution, to be kept intrigued


without ever being quite enlightened... weve had
no practice.

Rosencrantz We could play at questions.

Guildenstern What good would that do?

Rosencrantz Practice.

Guildenstern Statement. One - love.

Rosencrantz Cheating.

Guildenstern How?

Rosencrantz I hadnt started yet.

Guildenstern Statement. Two - love.

Rosencrantz Are you counting that?

Guildenstern What?

Rosencrantz Are you counting that?

Guildenstern Foul. No repetitions. Three - love. First game


to....

Rosencrantz Im not going to play if youre going to be like


that.

Guildenstern Whose serve?

Rosencrantz Hah!

Guildenstern Foul. No grunts. Love - one.

Rosencrantz Whose go?

Guildenstern Why?
Rosencrantz Why not?

Guildenstern What for?

Rosencrantz Foul. No synonyms. One - all.

Guildenstern What in Gods name is going on?

Rosencrantz Foul. No rhetoric. Two - one.

Guildenstern What does it all add up to?

Rosencrantz Cant you guess?

Guildenstern Were you addressing me?

Rosencrantz Is there anyone else?

Guildenstern Who?

Rosencrantz How would I know?

Guildenstern Why do you ask?

Rosencrantz Are you serious?

Guildenstern Was that rhetoric?

Rosencrantz No.

Guildenstern Statement. Two - all. Game point.

Rosencrantz Whats the matter with you today?

Guildenstern When?

Rosencrantz What?

Guildenstern Are you deaf?

Rosencrantz Am I dead?

Guildenstern Yes or no?

Rosencrantz Is there a choice?


Guildenstern Is there a god?

Rosencrantz Foul. No non-sequiturs, three - two, one game


all.

Guildenstern (serious) Whats your name?

Rosencrantz Whats yours?

Guildenstern I asked first.

Rosencrantz Statement. One - love.

Guildenstern Whats your name when youre at home?

Rosencrantz Whats yours?

Guildenstern When Im at home?

Rosencrantz Is it different at home?

Guildenstern What home?

Rosencrantz Havent you got one?

Guildenstern Why do you ask?

Rosencrantz What are you driving at?

Guildenstern Whats your name?!

Rosencrantz Repetition. Two - love. Match point to me.

Guildenstern WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Rosencrantz Rhetoric. Game and match. Wheres it going to


end?

Guildenstern Thats the question.

Rosencrantz Its all questions.

Guildenstern Do you think it matters?

Rosencrantz Doesnt it matter to you?


Guildenstern Why should it matter?

Rosencrantz What does it matter why?

Guildenstern Doesnt it matter why it matters?

Rosencrantz Whats the matter with you?

Guildenstern It doesnt matter.

Rosencrantz Whats the game.......


The Rover (short cut)
Aphra Behn

Willmore This can be none but my pretty gipsy. Oh, I see you
can follow as well as fly. Come, confess thyself the
most malicious devil in nature; you think you have
done my business with Angellica -

Angellica Stand off, base villain!

Willmore Ha, tis not she! Who art thou, and whats thy
business?

Angellica One thou hast injured, and who comes to kill thee
fort.

Willmore What the devil canst thou mean?

Angellica By all my hopes to kill thee

Willmore Prithee, on what acquaintance? For I know thee not.

Angellica Behold this face so lost to they remembrance,


And then call all thy sins about thy soul,
And let em die with thee.

Willmore Angellica!

Angellica Yes, traitor! Does not they guilty blood run shivering
through thy veins? Hast thou no horror at this sight,
that tells thee thou hast not long to boast thy
shameful conquest?

Willmore Faith, no child. My blood keeps it s old ebbs and


flows still, and that usual heat too, that could oblige
thee with a kindness, had I but opportunity.

Angellica Devil! Dost wanton with my pain? Have at thy heart!

Willmore Hold, dear virago! Hold thy hand a little; I am not


now at leisure to be illed. Hold and hear me.
Death, I thinks shes in earnest.
Angellica Oh, if I take not heed, my coward heart will leave me
to his mercy. What have you, sir, to say? But
should I hear thee, thoudst talk away all that is brave
about me, and I have vowed thy death by all thats
sacred.

Willmore Why then, theres an end of a proper handsome


fellow, that might a lived to have done good service
yet. Thats all I can say tot.

Angellica Yet I would give thee time for penitence.


The Rover (Long cut)
Aphra Behn

Willmore (aside) This can be none but my pretty gipsy. - Oh, I


see you can follow as well as fly. Come, confess
thyself the most malicious devil in nature; you think
you have done my business with Angelica-

Angellica Stand off, base villain!

Willmore Ha, tis not she! Who art thou, and whats thy
business?

Angellica One thou hast injured, and who comes to kill thee
fort.

Willmore What the devil canst thou mean?

Angellica By all my hopes to kill thee-

Holds still the pistol to his breast; he going back, she


follows still.

Willmore Prithee, on what acquaintance? For I know thee not.

Angellica Behold this face so lost to thy remembrance,


Pulls off her vizard.
And then call all thy sins about thy soul,
And let em die with thee.

Willmore Angelica!

Angellica Yes, traitor! Does not thy guilty blood run shivering
through
thy veins? Hast thou no horror at this sight, that tells
thee
thou hast not long to boast thy shameful conquest?

Willmore Faith, no, child. My blood keeps its old ebbs and
flows still,
and that usual heat too, that could oblige thee with a
kindness, had I but opportunity.
Angellica Devil! Dost wanton with my pain? Have at thy heart!

Willmore Hold, dear virago! Hold thy hand a little; I am not


now at
leisure to be killed. Hold and hear me. - (aside)
Death, I
think shes in earnest.

Angellica (aside, turning from him)


Oh, if I take not heed, my coward heart will lead me
to his
mercy. -What have you, sir, to say? - But should I
hear
thee, thoudst talk away all that is brave about me,
and I
have vowed thy death by all thats sacred.

Willmore Why then, theres an end of a proper handsome


fellow, that
might a lived to have done good service yet. Thats
all I
can say tot.

Angellica (pausingly) Yet - I would give thee time for -


penitence.

Willmore Faith, child, I thank God I have ever took care to lead
a
good, sober, hopeful life, and am of a religion that
teaches
me to believe I shall depart in peace.

Angellica So will the devil! Tell me,


How many poor believing fools thou hast undone?
How many hearts thou hast betrayed to ruin?
Yet these are little mischiefs to the ills
Thoust taught mine to commit: thoust taught it love.

Willmore Egad, twas shrewdly hurt the while.

Angellica Love, that has robbed it of its unconcern,


Of all that pride that taught me how to value it.
And in its room
A mean submissive passion was conveyed,
That made me humbly bow, which I neer did
To anything but heaven.
Thou, perjured man, didst this; and with thy oaths,
Which on thy knees thou didst devoutly make,
Softened my yielding heart, and then I was a slave.
Yet still had been content tove worn my chains,
Worn em with vanity and joy forever,
Hadst thou not broke those vows that put them on.
Twas then I was undone.
All this while follows him with the pistol to his breast.

Willmore Broke my vows? Why, where hast thou lived?


Amongst the gods? For I never heard of mortal man
that has not broke a thousand vows.

Angellica Oh, impudence!

Willmore Angellica, that beauty has been too long tempting,


not to
have made a thousand lovers languish; who, in the
amorous fevor, no doubt have sworn like me.
Did they all die in that faith, still adoring?
I do not think they did.

Angellica No, faithless man; had I repaid their vows, as I did


thine, I
would have killed the ingrateful that had abandoned
me.

Willmore This old general has quite spoiled thee: nothing


makes a
woman so vain as being flattered. Your old lover
ever sup-
plies the defects of age with intolerable dotage, vast
charge,
and that which you call constancy; and attributing all
this to
your own merits, you domineer, and throw your
favors ins
teeth, upbraiding him still with the defects of age, and
cuckold
him as often as he deceives your expectations. But
the gay,
Young, brisk lover, that brings his equal fires, and can
give
you dart for dart, youll find will be as nice as you
sometimes.

Angellica All this thoust made me know, for which I hate thee.
Had I remained in innocent security,
I should have thought all men were born my slaves,
And worn my power like lightening in my eyes,
To have destroyed at pleasure when offended.
But when love held the mirror, the undeceiving glass
Reflected all the weakness of my soul, and made me
know
My richest treasure being lost, my honour,
All the remaining spoil could not be worth
The conquerors care or value.
Oh, how I fell, like a long- worshiped idol
Discovering all the cheat.
Would not the incense and rich sacrifice
Which blind devotion offered at my altars
Have fallen to thee?
Why wouldst thou then destroy my fancied power?

Willmore By heaven, thourt brave, and I admire thee strangely.


I wish I were that dull, that constant thing
Which thou wouldst have, and nature never meant
me.
I must, like cheerful birds, sing in all groves,
And perch on every bough,
Billing the next kind she that flies to meet me;
Yet, after all, could build my nest with thee,
Thither repairing when Id loved my round,
And still reserve a tributary flame.
To gain your credit, Ill pay you back your charity,
And be obliged for nothing but for love.

Offers her a purse of gold.

Angellica Oh, that thou wert in earnest!


So mean a thought of me
Would turn my rage to scorn, and I should pity thee,
And give thee leave to live;
Which for the public safety of our sex,
And my own private injuries, I dare not do.
Prepare.
(Follows still, as before.)
I will no more be tempted with replies.

Willmore Sure..

Angellica Another word will damn thee! Ive heard thee talk too
long.
The Secret of the Unicorn
Herg

Enter Sir Francis Haddock with a powder keg

Sir Francis Haddock I don't feel that the party would be


complete without some fireworks. There. Just
enough time to absent myself before the whole
ship goes up.

enter Red Rackham

Red Rackham So, I've caught you, you miserable cur. You'd
blow us sky high, would you?

Haddock Certainly, given the opportunity. But I don't


believe I've had the pleasure of making your
acquaintance.

Red Rackham Regard me well, dog. I am Red Rackham.

Haddock And I am Sir Francis Haddock. Your servant, sir.

Red Rackham You are no servant of mine, you scoffing


braggart. You spy for that English harlot,
Elizabeth.

Haddock On your guard, Red Rackham. Ration my rum if I


don't give you something to remember me by.

Red Rackham You won't have the pleasure. I'll skin you alive
before I even douse that fuse. Retreat as you
may, you will not escape me.

Haddock (officially) I'll run you through, you prattling


porpoise. Now, Red Rackham, my temper's
rising.

Red Rackham I'll shave your beard, porcupine.

Haddock And I'll ruffle your feathers, squawking popinjay


Fancy-dress Freebooter. Fresh Water Pirate.
Red Rackham Those who annoy me pay dearly for their folly.

Haddock (kills RR) There. May Heaven rest your wicked


soul. Enough delay.
The Servant of Two Masters (Female Version)
Carlo Goldoni

Characters
Signora Pantalone Wife of a rich nobleman of Venice, mother of Clarice
Signora Lombardi Father of Silvio

Characters mentioned and background for the scene


Florindo Rasponi nobleman was first betrothed to Clarice but was
rumoured to have died in a dispute in Turin
Silvio Lombardi son of Lombardi is set to marry Clarice whom he loves
Clarice Daughter of Pantalone, in love with Silvio

Lombardi Signora Pantalone

Pantalone Signora Lombardi

Lombardi I have just been informed of your decision.

Pantalone Mine, yes, but my daughter Clarice concurs.

Lombardi You are legally bound to Silvio and I.

Pantalone The whole situation is most regrettable but what can I


tell you?

Lombardi You can tell me shes keeping her prior promise. You
can tell me shes marrying my son.

Pantalone Do you think if I could change her tiny mind I would


not do my utmost? It is the daughter who tries the
mothers soul. I have used every ruse, assayed every
strategy, cajoled, whined, intimidated, all to no avail.
If you had a daughter Dr you would understand and
not threaten me with legalistic maxims and vengeful
retaliations.

Lombardi A contract is a contract.


My son and your daughter promised union until death!
You expect us to roll over and play dead when you
announce you have another contract with this
resurrected Signor Rasponi! You are no woman of
honour!
Pantalone Watch yourself now, Lombardi.

Lombardi Your word is not your bond, Signora. Your reputation


isnt worth a spoiled fig and you left your integrity long
ago when you lost your youth and beauty.

Pantalone Just a minute! I have not lost my beauty!

Lombardi Then you are perhaps in a mood to accept a ladys


challenge? I have a mind to run you through right
here!

Pantalone Hah! Im no suckling pig to be spitted for your


pleasure.

Lombardi I swear to heaven, I will defend my honour.

Pantalone And I mine.

Lombardi You know not with whom you trifle Signora Pantalone.
My family has a good name and influence throughout
the whole republic of Venice.

Pantalone Why the Rasponis outshine the Lombardis as the sun


the moon. The House of Lombardi! Hah! More like a
hut!

Lombardi You could have asked for a death certificate to verify


to Federigo Rasponis death or sworn statements
from the funeral director before you promised your
daughter to my son.
Stupid, negligent, careless, foolish hag!

Pantalone Yes, yes and so on. Spitting child!


You know where you can put all that hot air! I dont
give a fleas eyelash for your flim flam

Lombardi Mark my word, Signora, Mark my word!


The day will come when the powers above and the
republic will require compensation for this affront
foisted upon the house of Lombardi.
Pantalone Should I be trembling in my slippers?

Lombardi All will witness your cowardly and lingering death!

Pantalone Ill slice off your head and parade it around the
Piazza.

P or L Youve met your match Signora

P or L Quite, yes.
The Servant of Two Masters (Male Version)
Carlo Goldoni

Characters
Signor Pantalone A rich nobleman of Venice, mother of Clarice
Dr Lombardi Father of Silvio

Characters mentioned and background for the scene


Florindo Rasponi nobleman was first betrothed to Clarice but was
rumoured to have died in a dispute in Turin
Silvio Lombardi son of Lombardi is set to marry Clarice whom he loves
Clarice Daughter of Pantalone, in love with Silvio

Lombardi Signor Pantalone

Pantalone Dr Lombardi

Lombardi I have just been informed of your decision.

Pantalone Mine, yes, but my daughter Clarice concurs.

Lombardi You are legally bound to Silvio and I.

Pantalone The whole situation is most regrettable but what can I


tell you?

Lombardi You can tell me shes keeping her prior promise. You
can tell me shes marrying my son.

Pantalone Do you think if I could change her tiny mind I would


not do my utmost? It is the daughter who tries the
fathers soul. I have used every ruse, assayed every
strategy, cajoled, whined, intimidated, all to no avail.
If you had a daughter Dr you would understand and
not threaten me with legalistic maxims and vengeful
retaliations.

Lombardi A contract is a contract.


My son and your daughter promised union until death!
You expect us to roll over and play dead when you
announce you have another contract with this
resurrected Signor Rasponi! You are no man of
honour!
Pantalone Watch yourself now, Lombardi.

Lombardi Your word is not your bond, Sir. Your reputation isnt
worth a spoiled fig and you left your integrity long ago
when you lost your youth and virility.

Pantalone Just a minute! I have not lost my vigour!

Lombardi Then you are perhaps in a mood to accept a mans


challenge? I have a mind to run you through right
here!

Pantalone Hah! Im no suckling pig to be spitted for your


pleasure.

Lombardi I swear to heaven, I will defend my honour.

Pantalone And I mine.

Lombardi You know not with whom you trifle Signor Pantalone.
My family has a good name and influence throughout
the whole republic of Venice.

Pantalone Why the Rasponis outshine the Lombardis as the sun


the moon. The House of Lombardi! Hah! More like a
hut!

Lombardi You could have asked for a death certificate to verify


to Federigo Rasponis death or sworn statements
from the funeral director before you promised your
daughter to my son.
Stupid, negligent, careless, foolish fellow!

Pantalone Yes, yes and so on. Windbag!


You know where you can put all that hot air! I dont
give a fleas eyelash for your flim flam

Lombardi Mark my word, Sir, Mark my word!


The day will come when the powers above and the
republic will require compensation for this affront
foisted upon the house of Lombardi.
Pantalone Should I be trembling in my slippers?

Lombardi All will witness your cowardly and lingering death!

Pantalone Ill slice off your head and parade it around the
Piazza.

P or L Youve met your match Signor

P or L Quite, yes.
Serving It Up
David Eldridge

Nick I got it, Sonny. I fucking got it, didn't I?

Sonny When do you start?

Nick Monday. Got to be at the depot by six o'clock. Jesus,


last time I was up that early I was tripping my tits off.

Sonny Won't be doing that any more, now you're working.

Nick I might not be out as much but I'm still going to trip out.
You watch, we'll be doing lines through fifty quid notes.

Sonny Off bin-money?

Nick It's a start, Sonny.

Sonny Yeah great.

Nick Do what?

Sonny I said great.

Nick You sound fucked off. What's up?

Sonny Nothing.

Nick No, come on, we're mates.

Sonny Are we?

Nick What's that supposed to mean? For fuck's sake,


Sonny, tell me what's wrong? Don't fuck about with me,
what is this moody bollocks?

Sonny Nothing.

Nick You ain't fucking jealous, are you?

Sonny Piss off, Nick.

Nick What is it then?

Sonny I know you've been seeing her.


Nick What...

Sonny Tell me the truth.

Nick I don't...

Sonny I'll kill you.

Nick Sonny...

Sonny She reckons you haven't, but I know you've been


fucking her.

Nick I couldn't help it.

Sonny Oh yeah...

Nick Val's always so nice...

Sonny What..?

Nick Val...

Sonny Val?

Nick I...

Sonny My mum? Wendy told me...

Nick But I thought - Val...

Sonny No. No. I thought the jumper and the card from you
was strange.

Nick I'm sorry...

Sonny You left the price tag on. Nine fucking ninety-nine - is
that what she's worth?

Nick I didn't mean it.

Sonny You've been fucking my mum, you cunt! Aaaarrgh - I


could fucking kill you now! You bastard!

Nick Sonny -

Sonny Don't fucking speak to me. I trusted you. I would die for
you, you cunt!
Nick It's only happened twice.

Sonny Only? What's the matter? Sack of shit, was she?

Nick No.

Sonny Aaah, you cunt! Don't you fucking cry. Get up. Get out.
Go on, fuck off!
Sharpes Challenge
Bernard Cornwell

General William Dodd, commander in chief of the armies of Raja Kanday Row, an
Indian prince rebelling against the British.

Sergeant Sharpe, a British spy posing as a deserter who has recently joined the
Raja's army to discover their plans.

General Dodd What the hell is an English soldier doing on my


parade ground? A spy? A deserter?
Sharpe Oh aye? Lieutenant Sharpe, and I'm a volunteer. And
who might you be?
Dodd So, you enlisted in the Raja's army? Tell me, why
should I believe you? I'm never sure deserters are to
be trusted.
Sharpe I were to be flogged Sir, and lose us rank and all.
Accused of thieving Sir. I didn't do it, but it were my
word against an officer. I had nowhere else to run Sir, it
was either offer my services here, or take my chances
in the wild.
Dodd And why does the Raja's army need a deserter?
Sharpe Give me a rifle at my shoulder and I'll show you why.
This Raja's no more your king than he is mine, but I'll
kill for him, same as anyone else. But I'll be damned if
I'll beg for the privilege.
Dodd (Smiling) My name is Dodd. General William Dodd.
Formally of the honourable... hah... honourable East
India Company now happily commander in chief to his
Highness Kanday Row.
Sharpe You joke with me sir?
Dodd Joke sir? Why sir, no sir. Why do you ask?
Sharpe It's nowt.

General Can you use a sword?

Sharpe Aye sir, sometimes sir, when I need to.


Dodd Good, then oblige me, it's been a while since I
matched steel with an Englishman.
Sharpe Begging your pardon sir, but uh, I'm drilled as a
rifleman, and uh, no match for your Generalship...
General I'll be the judge of that. Choose your blade.
Sharpe I'd sooner not sir, if it's alright with you.
Dodd Choose your blade.
Sharpe reluctantly begins to inspect the blades
Dodd So what brings you to the Raja's service?
Sharpe As we told Colonel Gadan sir
DODD attacks, surprising SHARPE. SHARPE fends him off, but
the GENERAL ends with his sword on SHARPE's neck.
DoddYou weren't ready for me.
Sharpe No sir.
DoddThe enemy won't announce his intentions and neither will I.
SHARPE attacks aggressively
Dodd That's better Sharpe, much better.

Sharpe I learn fast sir.


DoddSo it seems.
The General attacks more aggressively, besting SHARPE
Sharpe What about you sir, if I might ask, what brings you into
The Raja's service?
Dodd I was a lieutenant in the East India Company for six
years. Six bloody years! In the Company, it doesn't
matter how good a soldier a man might be, if he hasn't
got the money, he's got to wait his turn.
The GENERAL wounds SHARPE
Sharpe I thought this were just practicing.
Dodd You're holding back. Is that how you'll fight the
redcoats when it comes to close quarters? Test me
man! Kill me, if you can!
Sharpe Are you sure? It'll hurt.
SHARPE overwhelms DODD, ending in face off
Sharpe Appen you should've joined the Kings army sir.
SHARPE wounds DODD. The GENERAL is impressed.
Dodd I see a redcoat, all I want to do is start killing.
Sharpe Is that what happened in Chasalgoan?
Dodd (darkly) why the hell do you ask that? I made a
reputation, that's what happened! I put Chasel Gawan
to the sword. The English company, every man woman
and child.
Sharpe Oh, I know all about Chasalgoan, Lieutenant Dodd, for
I were there.
Dodd (shocked) I left not a man alive.
Sharpe You left one. A redcoat lieutenant.
Dodd Well, I shan't make that mistake again.
They fight.
Dodd You have courage, ability. But you were born to live
poor and die in the ranks, another name on a butcher's
bill
SHARPE kills DODD
Sharpe Told you it'd hurt.
The Sisterhood
Moliere

Trissotin Your stuffs superb so taut, so disciplined!

Vadius I still think yours is somehow morerefined.

Trissotin Your images so accurate! Sotrue!

Vadius Ah, but for pathos theres not touching you.

Trissotin If genius was acknowledged, youd have got


The Legion dhonneur years ago.

Vadius Then what


Would you have got? Theyd have to name some
streets
Or a metro station after you, at least.

Trissotin You know a poem called To a Princess


Suffering from a Viral Inf-

Vadius Why, yes


Somebody read it to me yesterday
I havent met the author, but Ill say
This much about him, flattery apart
His work contains more idiocy than art.

Trissotin It has been much admired incertain quarters.

Vadius The things he does to words! Lambs to the


slaughter !

Trissotin Im very sorry, but I cant agree.

Vadius They wont get tripe like that from you and me.

Trissotin In my opinion, though, for what its worth,


There arent too many poets on this earth
Who can write verse like that.

Vadius Im very glad


To hear it if I wrote a piece that bad
Id shoot myself !

Trissotin You might just like to know


The perpetrator of this piece youre so
Dismissive of: it was me.

Vadius Come again?

Trissotin I was the one who wrote that sonnet!

Vadius When?
If its a piece of juvenilia

Trissotin No
I finished it about a month ago.

Vadius Icant have listened carefully enough.


But take a look at mine its punchy stuff
Surrealist in flavour, I should say.

Trissotin I fear Surrealisms had its day.

Vadius Its hardly new its got a following, though.

Trissotin I think it stinks, if you really want to know.

Vadius Thats reassuring, coming from a hack.

Trissotin Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Vadius Poets like you deserve a prison cell.

Trissotin They could read your verse to punish souls in hell.

Vadius Your last book was demolished on TV.

Trissotin At least they bother to demolish me.

Vadius Youre like a braggart in a Roman farce.

Trissotin You can stuff your wretched Classics up your arse!

Vadius It wont take long to sort you out


Ill parody your piffle to perfection!

Trissotin Just wait till I review your next collection!


I lost my temper. I hope you werent offended

Vadius I feel my judgement had to be defended.


Sleuth
Anthony Shaffer

Andrew Did you ever know Charlie Begby?

Milo I dont think so.

Andrew Terribly funny fellow. I once saw him bag three brace
of duck with one shot.

Milo No!

Andrew Yes. Three brace with one shot! The only trouble
was, they were the china ducks on the auntys
drawing room wall. I said Oh Charlie, you cant do
that, its the close season. Its not really all that
funny. Theres an open season on some creatures
all the year round, Seducers and wife stealers for
example.

Milo Whats brought all this on? What are you doing with
that sword?

Andrew Pretty obviously pointing it at you.

Milo For Gods sake why?

Andrew (Italian accent) Because Im going to kill you.

Milo Oh Jesus! I suppose this is some sort of game.

Andrew Yes. Weve been playing it all evening. Its called


Youre going to die and no one will suspect murder.

Milo You mean all this steal my wifes jewels stuff was just
a...

Andrew Of course. I invited you here to set up the


circumstances of your own death. The break in, the
disguise, the jewels in your pocket. I might even get
a commendation from the police, for having a go.

Milo For Gods sake Andrew, knock it off.


Andrew I am quite entitled to tackle a man wearing a mask
plundering my house in the middle of the night. You
really are a dead duck arent you? Not a moral or
romantic attitude left.

Milo I believe you are serious.

Andrew Im not afraid of killing you, if thats what you mean.

Milo But why Andrew, why?

Andrew Its perfectly simple. I hate you. I hate your smarmy,


good-looking face and your easy manner. I hate you
because you are a culling spick. Come little man, did
you really believe I would give up my wife and jewels
to you.

Milo Why not? Youre not in love with her.

Andrew Shes mine whether I love her or not.

Milo And now shes in love with me, and the dog in the
manger wont let go. The mad dog in the manger
who should be put down for everyones sake.

Andrew You shit!

Milo Thanks.

Andrew You died-in-the-wool bastard Milo!

Milo Obliged.

Andrew You mendacious bollock of Satan, Milo. You triple-


dealing turd!

Milo Thank you.


The Social Network
Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin

Interior MARK's office. MARK sitting at laptop.

Eduardo Mark? Mark!

Mark I'm wired in.

Eduardo I'm sorry?

Mark I'm wired in.

Eduardo Are you?

EDUARDO picks up MARK's laptop over his head and smashes it


down on the desk.

Eduardo How 'bout now? Are you still wired in? You issued over
twenty-four million shares of stock.

Mark You were told that if new investors came along -

Eduardo How much were your shares diluted? How much were
Sean's?

Mark You signed the papers.

Eduardo You set me up.

Mark You're gonna blame me because you were the


business head of the company and you made a bad
business deal with your own company?

Eduardo It's gonna be like I'm not part of Facebook.

Mark It won't be like you're not part of Facebook. You're not


part of Facebook.

Eduardo My name's on the masthead.

Mark You might wanna check again.


Eduardo This is because I froze the account?

Mark You think we were gonna let you parade around in your
ridiculous suits pretending you were running this
company?

Eduardo Sorry, my Prada's at the cleaners. Along with my


hoodie and my Fuck-you Flip-flops, you pretentious
douchebag.

Tell me this isn't about me getting into the Phoenix? I'll


bet what you hated most is that they identified me as
the co-founder of Facebook - which I am!

Mark You'll be leaving now.

Eduardo I'm not signing those papers.

Mark We'll get the signature.

Eduardo You'd better lawyer-up, asshole, cos I'm not coming


back for my thirty percent, I'm coming back for
everything!

Mark Get outta here.

Eduardo I'm going.

Mark Hang on. I almost forgot - there's your $19,000. I


wouldn't cash it, though. I drew it on the account you
froze.

Eduardo I like standing next to you, Mark. It makes me look so


tough.
Some Voices
Joe Penhall

Dave Where is it? I'm only going to ask you this once, Laura.
Once. And then I swear I'm going to get angry.

Laura Then you're going to get angry?

Dave They know I took it, Laura. Five stone sapphire. In a


cluster. Not half a loop, a cluster. They know I've been
taking stuff to give to you.

Laura Who?

Dave The boys, Laura.

Laura What 'boys'? You live in a world of your own, you do.

Dave Every job I've done, I took stuff to give to you.

Laura I don't want it.

Dave I'm trying to make you happy.

Laura By giving me a thick ear, I suppose?

Dave I love you, you stupid ugly cow.

Laura That's why you put my head through a third floor


window last week?

Dave They're coming after me. I'm desperate.

Laura That explains it then. Next time you stick my head


through a window and leave me to bleed to death I'll
understand.

Dave Where is it? I'm going to count to three, Laura.

Laura I don't know where it is!

Dave One.

Laura What're you going to do?

Dave Two.
Laura Let go of me.

Dave I'm warning you.

Laura I swear, Dave, I haven't even seen it.

Dave Three.

Now I'm losing my temper.

Laura I lost it.

Dave Don't lie to me, tell me.

Laura I don't fuckin' know where it is.

Dave You got a mouth like a fuckin' sewer, you have.

Laura Leave me alone.

Dave You're a dirty slut. I don't need to waste my time with


dirty sluts.

Laura Then leave me alone.

Dave I'll leave alright. Just as soon as you tell me what you
did with it. You probably sold it. Sold it to pay for a
holiday with your fuckin' fancy man. Is that what you
did?

Laura What fancy man? I don't have a fancy man.

Dave Just tell me who it is. Come on, I can take it. Tell me
who you've been getting friendly with.

Laura I haven't been getting friendly with anybody. I don't


have any friends to be friendly with.

Laura I haven't been outside the stinking flat in three months.


Not even to sign on.

Dave I don't ask you to sign on still. I look after you.

Laura I don't want you looking after me.

Dave Give me the ring and we'll call it quits.

Laura Are you deaf?


Dave That's all I want. That or your guts!

Laura I told you I lost it!

Dave Where did you lose it?

Laura I don't know. If I knew that it wouldn't be lost! Down the


sinkhole probably.

Dave Well, probably I'll just smash your brains out shall I?
Eh? Maybe I'll finish it right here. How would you like
that.

Laura Christ, help me somebody please!

Dave Oh 'please please!' D'you think they care? Do you think


anyone really cares about you, Laura? Eh?

Laura I'll tell you something. I cared about you. You don't care
about me so do you know what suddenly - I don't care
about you.

Dave One word of advice. Don't ever, never fuck with me.
And if I ever catch you with another man I will kill you.
Stoning Mary
Debbie Tucker-Green

M ...To smell. Have his smell. Smell his smell, smell his smell
on him smell his smell on me. The never-get-used-to-that,
the never-get-enough-of-that. Me doin that. Waitin for that.
That smell. That. His. Him. Doin that. Me. Miss it. To
Smell

D He smelt of you.

M He smelt of him.

D He smelt of you.

M He smelt like

D He di he smelt of you there was no smell of him left.


Whatever you drowned yourself in he was drowning right
there in the disgustingness of it with yer.

M You wouldnt know.

D The smell of the two-for-one.

M When youre around everything gets obliterated by your


spray-it-as-you-see-it-full-on-artificial stink.

D You wouldnt know, cos he never letchu get close enough.

M Always something not right looking about yer.

D Something of the slag about yer, of the slut.

M Pitiful and pathetic.

D Something of the used about yer.

M I dont think so and I dont wantcha near.

D Catch the natural smell of you, drop down dead a shock.

M Dontcha come nearerstay there!


D Genetically modified motherfucker youre like that you are.
Contaminate. Contamination. Contaminate everything you
come into contact with, with your stink.

M I wear it cos he bought it.

D He bought it for a joke.

M I wear it cost he liked it.

D He liked it for a joke.

M It reminds me of him.

D You are a joke.

M If you were gone

D Im not the one whos gone tho.

M If you were gone, thered be nothing to remind me of you.

D I wouldnt want you to remember me.

M Theres nothing good to remember.

D I wouldnt want to be remembered.

M Good

D Not by you.
Swetnam the Woman Hater Arraigned by Women
Anonymous

Misogynos Welcome Sweetheart

Atlanta Are you in private Sir?

Misogynos Theres not an eye under the Horizon


That can behold us; If Suspicion tell
Ill beat her blind as ever Fencer was.

Atlanta Sir, now you talk of Fencing, I heare you


Professe that noble Science.

Misogynos Tis most true.

Atlanta I love you, Sir, the better; tis a thing


I honour with my heart. If any one
Should scandalize or twit me with your love
You can defend my name, and make such men

Misogynos Creep on their knees, ask thee forgiveness,


Or any other base submission.

Atlanta Oh what a happiness shall I enjoy?


But can you doe this of occasion serve?

Misogynos Would some were here to make experience


That thou might see my skill.

Atlanta Sir, that will I (strikes him)

Misogynos Hows this?

Atlanta Impudent slave,


How darst thou looke a woman in the face
Or commence love to any; Specially to me?
Thou knowst Ime vowd thy publique enemie
Which this, and this, and this shall testifie.

Misogynos Oh that I had a weapon, thou shouldst know


A thousand women could not stand one blow,
From my unconquered arm.

Atlanta That shall be tride.


Ile fit you, Sir in your own element.
I thinke thou darest not looke upon a sword.
See, theres a foyle: I will but thumpe you Sir.
Thy lifes reserved unto a worse revenge.

Misogynos Oh some devils entered in this Idol fury


To make me misbelieve. Oh

Atlanta Cowardly Slave. A Fencer? You a Fidler.


He cannot hold his weapon,
Gard his brest; no, nor defend a thrust. Art not
ashamed
Thus to disgrace that noble exercise?

Misogynos Oh; Hold, Hold: I yeeld, I yeeld.

Atlanta Has our Countrie meats fed you so high,


You needs must have a stale for your base lust?
Ile satiate your sences ere I have done.
Tamburlaine the Great
(Part 1 Act III, sc.3)

Zabina Such good success happen to bajazeth!

Zenocrate And may my love, the king of Persia,


Return with victory and free from wound!

Zabina Base concubine, must thou be placed by me


That am the empress of the mighty Turk?

Zenocrate Distainful Turkess and unreverend boss,


Callst thou me concubine, that am betrothed
Unto the great and mighty Tamburlaine?

Zabina To Tamburlaine, the great Tartarian thief!

Zenocrate Thou wilt repent these lavish words of thine


When thy great basso-master and thyself
Must plead for mercy at his kingly feet
And sue to me to be your advocates.

Zabina And sue to thee? I tell thee shameless girl,


Thou shalt be laundress to my waiting-maid.

Zenocrate Ye gods and powers that govern Persia


And made my lordly love her worthy king,
Now strengthen him against the Turkish Bajazeth,
And let his foes, like flocks of fearful roes
Pursued by hunters, fly his angry looks,
That I may see him issue conqueror.

Zabina Now Mahomet, solicit God himself,


And make him rain down murdering shot from heaven
To dash the Scythians brains, and strike them dead
That dare to manage arms with him
That offered jewels to thy sacred shrine
When first he warred against the Christians.

Zenocrate By this the Turks lie weltring in their blood,


And Tamburlaine is lord of Africa.

Zabina Thou art deceived. I heard the trumpets sound


As when my emperor overthrew the Greeks
And led them captive into Africa.
Straight will I use thee as thy pride deserves;
Prepare thyself to live and die my slave.

Zenocrate If Mahomet should come from heaven and swear


My royal lord is slain or conquered,
Yet should he not persuade me otherwise
But that he lives and will be conquerer.
Tamburlaine Must Die
Louise Welsh

Marlowe Keep away from him, unless you want to feel the
sharp end of my sword. My quarrel is with Judas
here, but come forward if you want some of this.
Theres enough for him and extra for you if you want
it.

Blaize What fury is this? Have you lost hold of your senses?

Marlowe No doubt you meant me to take the blame for the old
mans death too?

Blaize I love you.

Marlowe Like the Devil loves Holy Water.

Blaize No, like a brother.

Marlowe Then let us decide now who is Cain and who Abel.
Well rewrite history and the ablest of us will live.

Blaize You have crippled me.

Marlowe And you have killed me. Youre talking to a dead


man.

Why?

Blaize I never meant it to end this way.

Marlowe You owe me names. You havent the guile to achieve


all this on your own. Tell me who stands behind you
and Ill grant you a few more last breaths.

Blaize We were the best of friends.

Marlowe Now talk.

Blaize Months ago, when the theatres first closed, I found


myself in difficulties. Some men came to my
assistance.
Marlowe They leant you money? For love?

Blaize The days when my love could bring an income are


long past. No, I was to make their investment grow,
though I needed it to live. When the time came to
repay, I found myself without even the principle.

Marlowe And no plan?

Blaize I thought perhaps the old man I thought perhaps


he would help. The sum he advanced was too small.

Marlowe So you killed him.

Blaize No. Yes. Not straight away. This all happened months
ago.

Marlowe So even then there were plots against me?

Blaize I met them to ask for time. I knew that as soon as the
plague lifted I would have a means to make money.
But they gave me a beating, threatened my life, then
offered me a way out.

Marlowe Your life for mine.

Blaize It wasnt so simple. Youd abandoned me to the


Plague and the City. I did as they asked to save my
skin, trusting you to shake yourself free. You have
before.

Marlowe I would have given you money.

Blaize Money and contempt. You took my love and warped


it. Laughed at my literary works. Played tricks on me.
You cast me in the role of murderer and so I became
one.

Marlowe I knew you jealous but I never guessed the depths of


your envy. You hate me.

Blaize But hate has fled now that we are equals.


Marlowe Some Faustian King youd make. Youre a half-rate
actor and a no-rate poet. A scurvy cove who kills old
men for effect. You needed me to find you. To be your
audience, admire you in the role of killer when all the
time youre just the hired helper of a hired hand. Id
kill you with as much regret as Id kill an insect.
Youve never been my equal, never will be.

Blaize The dead are equal.

Marlowe The dead are dead.

Blaize So you mean to kill me? You and I have reached our
final act.

Marlowe Do you doubt it?

Blaize No.

Marlowe My final act will be to kill you.

Blaize We travelled far together. Will you hold my hand at


the start of this journey?

Marlowe Even if we meet in hell Ill damn you. You were never
Tamburlaine. Just a half-rate actor. No match for fear
or fatal steel.
The Taming of the Shrew
William Shakespeare
Petruchio Good Morrow, Kate, for thats your name I hear.

Katherine Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing;


They call me Katherine that do talk of me.

Petruchio You lie, in faith, for you are calld plain Kate
And Bonny Kate, and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation,
Hearing thy mildness praisd in every town,
Thy virtues spoke of, and they beauty sounded,
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs
Myself am movd to woo thee for my wife.

Katherine Movd in good time! Let him movd you hither


Remove you hence. I knew you at the first
You were a movable.

Petruchio Why, whats a movable?

Katherine A joint-stool

Petruchio Thou hast hit it. Come sit on me.

Katherine Asses are made to bear, and so are you.

Petruchio Women are made to bear, and so are you.

Katherine No such jade as you, if me you mean.

Petruchio Alas, good Kate, I will not burden thee!


For, knowing thee to be but young and light

Katherine Too light for such a swain as you to catch.


And yet as heavy as my weight should be.

Petruchio Should be? Should-buzz!


Katherine Well taen, and like a buzzard.

Petruchio O slow-wingd turtle, shall a buzzard take thee?

Katherine Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard.

Petruchio Come, come you wasp; ifaith, you are too angry.

Katherine If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

Petruchio My remedy is then, to pluck it out.

Katherine Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies,

Petruchio Who knows not where a wasp does wear


his sting? In his tail.

Katherine In his tongue.

Petruchio Whose tongue?

Katherine Yours, if you talk of tails; and so farewell.

Petruchio What, with my tongue in your tail?

Petruchio Nay, come again,


Good Kate; I am a gentleman.

Katherine That Ill try.

Petruchio Nay, come, Kate, come; you must not look sour.

Katherine It is my fashion, when I see a crab.

Petruchio Why, heres no crab; and therefore look not sour.

Katherine There is, there is.

Petruchio Then show it me.

Katherine Had I glass, I would.

Petruchio What, you mean my face?


Katherine Well aimd of such a young one.

Petruchio Now, by Saint George, I am too young for you.

Katherine Yet you are witherd

Petruchio Tis with cares.

Katherine I care not.

Petruchio Nay, hear you, Kate: in sooth you scape not so.

Katherine I chafe you, if I tarry: let me go.

Petruchio No not a whit: I find you passing gentle.


Twas told me you were rough and coy and sullen,
And now I find report a very liar;
For thou are pleasant, gamesome, passing
courteous,
but slow in speech, yet sweet as spring-time flowers.

Katherine Go, fool and who thou keepst command.

Petruchio Did ever Dian so become a grove


As Kate this chamber with her princely gait?
O, be thou Dian, and let her be Kate;
And then let Kate be chaste and Dian sportful!

Katherine Where did you study all this goodly speech?

Petruchio It is extempore, from my mother-wit.

Katherine A witty mother! Witless else her son.

Petruchio Am I not wise?

Katherine Yes; keep you warm.

Petruchio Marry, so I mean, sweet Katharina, in they bed:


And therefore, setting all this chat aside,
Thus in plain terms: your father hath consented
That you shall be my wife; your dowry greed on;
And, Will you, nill you, I will marry you.

Katherine Ill see the hangd on Sunday first. Father..


Tape
Steven Belber

Vince Look, John, only you two know what happened, so


only you two can interpret youre actions, so why dont
you just tell the facts and interpret them later.

John Fuck off, Vince.

Vince Fuck off? Ill call her.

John No dont do that.

Vince Why not?

John Because Id like you not you.

Vince Admit it.

John Admit what?

Vince What you did to Amy.

John what makes you think I did anything, eh?

Vince Because I know.

John How?

Vince Because she told me.

John Told you what?

Vince What you did.

John What did she say?

Vince What?

John What did she say?!

Vince Nothing.
John Get our of my face, Vince.

Vince It was obvious. Tell me what you did and Ill let you out.

John Suck my fucking dick, Vince!

Vince Tell mw what you fucking did!!

John Why do you care?

Vince I wanna hear it.

John What would that change?

Vince I dunno.

John What does it matter?

Vince Dont know.

John Why do you think I did something wrong?

Vince Tell me!!

John I pinned her arms back and I shoved my dick in her for
christs fucking sake!! Are you happy? Shit happens. I
already told you Im sorry.

Vince Fuck you! (goes and gets the tape recorder). Ive got it
on fucking tape. Thanks, mate.
That Face
Polly Stenham

Alice drugged, bound and hooded on the floor, Izzy and Mia stand
over her.

Izzy Hold her up.

Mia Im trying.

Izzy Alice? Stop pretending. Youre making this tricky. And you
wouldnt want to make this tricky now, would you? Would
she, Mia? Would she be so silly as to pretend to be asleep?
Silly things happen to silly girls now, Alice. Silly things...
Alice?

No response. Izzy shoves her. Still no response.

Jesus, Mia. Whats wrong with her? Shes out cold.

Mia I gave her some valium.

Izzy You what?

Mia I. Gave. Her. Some. Valium.

Izzy You gave her a fucking tranquiliser... you...you...druggie.


How did you give it to her? Pop it in her tea? Slip it up her
bottom while she was absorbed in Neighbours. Tell her it
was a vitamin? A Smartie? An Ecstasy pill? How did you give
it to her, Mia?

Mia Well, I

Izzy She had better be alright. If shes not we correction, you


are in big trouble. Actually, correction, I am in big trouble,
because I am head of dorm and you slipped our little house
sister prescription drugs. She is basically my responsibility.
Shit. Shit. Shit.

Mia Dont Shit, shit, shit me. Your responsibility is tied to a chair
looking like a torture victim. Id be more worried about that if I
were you.
Izzy You know full well that that is different. This initiation. Its
tradition. The teachers dont care. The sixth form dont care.
Its practically goddamn allowed. Besides. Its meant to be
fun.

Mia Calm down.

Izzy Dont you dare tell me to calm down. Look at her. How
many?

Mia What?

Izzy Pills? How many pills?

Mia In milligrams, I guess forty. Maybe fifty. It was five tablets at


ten each, so

Izzy You are taking the piss. Tell me youre taking the piss. Even I
know thats tons.

Mia Well, shes a big girl.

Izzy I hate you. I absolutely hate you. Look at her. Shes un-
fucking-conscious. Were screwed.

Mia giggles

Are you laughing at me?

Mia No.

Izzy Youre laughing at me, arent you? You fucking dare...

Mia Calm down. Shell be fine. I just, well... I thought it would


help.

Izzy How, Mia, how did you think poisoning a thirteen-year-old girl
would help? How? Im dying to know.

Mia Its not poison. Its a mild tranquiliser... stops panic. Takes
the edge off things. You can be nasty when you get... you
know, excited, and I wanted the initiation thing to go
smoothly. I thought youd like that. You could do more to her.

Izzy Shes un-fucking conscious!

Mia Shes not unconscious, just super-relaxed.

Izzy This is it. Were screwed. I wont be a prefect, which will fuck
up my UCAS... Oh god...

Mia snorts with laughter

Mia Sorry. Its just...the prefect thing.

Izzy Watch it.

Mia Youre scared, arent you?

Izzy No, Im not. Im realistic.

Mia God for the night, trembling in her pyjamas.

Izzy I am not scared.

Mia Youre shaking. Its too much, isnt it? You only like a good
clean torture.

Izzy Fuck you.

Mia In your big wet dreams, scaredy-cat.

Izzy You little

Mia What, little what?

Izzy Shit.

Mia Ooo... terrifying.

Izzy Shut up.

Mia I might collapse in fear. Youre soft as a kitten, really. Arent


you?
Izzy Fuck you.

Mia Soft as a babys bottom. You just pretend

Izzy SHUT UP.

Mia You just pretend. Really you have a heart of marshmallow.


All gooey and sweet

Izzy Cocky little

Mia What? Cocky little what?

Izzy (snarls) Shit. This isnt over yet.


That Scoundrel Scapin
Moliere

Leander Fancy giving me away like that. A rascal who, for a


score of reasons ought to be the last to reveal what I
have confided in him. Yet he is the first to give me
away to my father. Heavens my witness, he shall pay
for this So, there you are. Im delighted to see you
Master Twister!

Scapin At your service, Sir. You are too kind.

Leander You think youll make a joke of it, do you. Ill teach you!

Scapin But master, what have I done to you?

Leander What have you done? You scoundrel, I know what


tricks youve been up to. I expect you thought I
wouldnt find out. But Ill have the confession from
your own lips, or Ill run my sword through your guts.

Scapin Oh, master, you wouldnt have the heart to do that?

Leander Out with it, then.

Scapin Something Ive done, Master?

Leander Yes, you villain, and your conscience should tell you
only to well what it is.

Scapin I can assure you I cant think of anything.

Leander You cant think of anything?

Scapin Well then, master, since you will have it, I confess that I
and a few of my friends drank that small quarter cask
of Spanish wine someone gave you a few days ago. It
was I who made hole in the cask and poured water on
the floor to make you think the wine had run out.

Leander So that was you, you dog. You drank my Spanish


wine?
Scapin Yes, master I ask your forgiveness.

Leander Im glad to know about that, but its not what Im after.

Scapin Is that it, master?

Leander No. Its something much more serious than that, and
Im to have it out of you.

Scapin I cant think of anything else, master.

Leander So, you wont admit it?

Scapin Yes, Master, I confess that one evening about three


weeks ago you sent me with a watch to the young
gipsy girl you are in love with and I came home with
my clothes torn and my face covered with blood and I
told you Id been beaten and robbed. It was me,
master Id kept the watch for myself.

Leander You kept the watch for yourself.

Scapin Thats it, master to tell the time by!!

Leander We are finding things out. A fine faithful servant I have,


I must say. But that still isnt what I want.

Scapin That isnt it?

Leander No, you scoundrel theres something else yet you have
to own up to.

Scapin The devil there is.

Leander Quickly! Im in a hurry.

Scapin Master. Thats absolutely everything.

Leander Absolutely everything is it?

Scapin Alright then, master. You remember that apparition


you met one night, about six months ago, that beat you
up and nearly made you break your neck running away
and falling into a cellar

Leander Well---

Scapin That was me, Master. I was the apparition.

Leander You were the apparition, were you, you scoundrel?

Enter Carlo

Carlo Bad news for you, master

Leander What is it?

Carlo The gipsies are on the point of carrying off your


Zerbinetta. She implored me to tell you that unless
you bring the within two hours, you will lose her
forever.

Leander Two hours.

Carlo Two hours. (Exit)

Leander Ah, My dear Scapin, help me, I beg you.

Scapin My dear Scapin! So Im your dear Scapin now that you


need me.

Leander Come on. I forgive all that youve done ay, and
worse things if youve done them.

Scapin No, No. Dont forgive me anything. Run your sword


through my guts. I should be very glad if you would kill
me.

Leander No, I implore you, save my life instead, by helping me.

Scapin No, no, no! Youd do much better to kill me.

Leander No. Im much to fond of you. Do please use your


wonderful abilities and find a way out of my difficulties.
Scapin No. Kill me off, please.

Leander Oh for goodness sake, think no more of that and give


your mind to helping me.

Scapin How can I after the way youve insulted me?

Leander I implore you to overlook my hasty temper and give me


your assistance.

Scapin The insult still rankles.

Leander Surely you wouldnt leave me, Scapin, in this cruel


extremity?

Scapin How much?

Leander What?

Scapin How much?

Leander Two hundred.

Scapin Three

Leander What.

Scapin Two fifty

Leander Done.
Theatre of Blood
Screenplay by Anthony Greville-Bell & Stanley Mann

Edward Lionheart (a Shakespeare actor)


Peregine Devlin (a theatre critic)
A fencing salle

Devlin Hello there. Where is everybody?

Lionheart (with a German accent) De Toqueville had a death in


the family.

Devlin Oh.

Lionheart Well, since you have no worthy opponent, perhaps


you would be good enough to have a bout or two with
me, huh?

Devlin I'd be delighted. I fence here twice a week but I've


never seen you here before.

Lionheart No, this is my first visit. I'm afraid I'm not very good.
No, I have been very ill. I had a serious accident. I
broke a few limbs.

Devlin I'm sorry to hear that.

Lionheart No, everything is all right now, hehe (chuckles), ja,


I'm splendid. - En garde!

Devlin Just a minute. Your sabre. Theres no button.

Lionheart Oh, so you noticed that, eh? Well then. There. Now
you dont have one either. You see!

Devlin Lionheart!

Lionheart Alive in triumph. And you thought me slain. (they


fight)

Lionheart Lionheart is immortal. He can never be destroyed.


Never! Never!
Devlin I've nothing against you, Lionheart, I never had. Why
dont you get away while you still have a chance?

Devlin You did kill Larding and the others, didnt you?

Lionheart How many actors have you destroyed, as you


destroyed me? How many talented lives have you cut
down with your glib attacks? What do you know of
the blood, sweat and toil of a theatrical production?
Of the dedication of the men and women in the
noblest profession of all? How could you know, you
talentless fools, who spew vitriol on the creative
efforts of others because you lack the ability to create
yourselves? No, Devlin, no! I did not kill Larding and
the others. Punished them, my dear boy, punished
them. Just as you shall have to be punished.

Devlin Well, get it over with, then. So long as you dont


make me have to listen to that demented rubbish of
yours.
Timon of Athens Act IV. Sc.3
William Shakespeare

Apemantus If thou couldst please me with speaking to me, thou


mightst have hit upon it here. The commonwealth of
Athens is become a forest of beasts.

Timon How has the ass broke the wall, that thou art out of
the city?

Apemantus Yonder comes a poet and a painter. The plague of


company light upon thee! I will fear to catch it, and
give way. When I know not what else to do, Ill see
thee again.

Timon When there is nothing living but thee, thou shalt be


welcome. I had rather be a beggars dog than
Apemantus.

Apemantus Thou art the cap of all the fools alive.

Timon Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!

Apemantus A plague on thee! Thou art too bad to curse.

Timon All villains that do stand by thee are pure.

Apemantus There is no leprosy but what thou speakest.

Timon If I name thee.


Ill beat thee but I should infect my hands.

Apemantus I would my tongue could rot them off.

Timon Away, thou issue of a mangy dog!


Choler does kill me that thou art alive.
I swoon to see thee.

Apemantus Would thou wouldst burst!

Timon Away, thou tedious rogue!


I am sorry I shall lose a stone by thee.
Apemantus Beast!

Timon Slave!

Apemantus Toad!

Timon Rogue, rogue, rogue!


Tis Pity She's A Whore (Act II, sc. 1)
John Ford

Vasques Come sir, stand to your tackling; if you prove craven,


Ill make you run quickly.

Grimaldi Thou art no equal match for me.

Vasques Indeed I never went to the wars to bring home news,


nor cannot play the mountebank for a meals meat,
and swear I got my wounds in the field. See you
these grey hairs? Theyll not flinch for a bloody nose.
Wilt thou to this gear?

Grimaldi Why, slave, thinkst thou Ill balance my reputation


with a cast-suit? Call thy master, he shall know that I
dare...

Vasques Scold like a cot-quean, thats your profession. Thou


poor shadow of a soldier, I will make thee know my
master keeps servants thy betters in quality and
performance. Comst thou to fight or prate?

Grimaldi Neither with thee. I am a Roman gentleman; one


that have got mine honour with expense of blood.

Vasques You are a lying coward and a fool. Fight, or by these


hilts Ill kill thee, brave my lord! Youll fight?

Grimaldi Provoke me not, for if thou dost...

Vasques Have at you!

Vasques I should have wormed you sir, for running mad.

Grimaldi Ill be revenged.

Vasques On a dish of warm broth to stay your stomach, do,


honest innocence, do; spoon-meat is a wholesomer
diet than a Spanish blade.

Grimaldi Remember this.


Vasques I fear thee not, Grimaldi.

Florio Vasques, put up, lets end this fray in wine.


Tis Pity Shes A Whore (Act IV, Sc. 3)
John Ford

Enter Soranzo, and Annabella, dragged in

Soranzo Come, strumpet, famous whore; were every drop


Of blood that runs in thy adulterous veins
A life, this sword - dost - seet? - should in one
blow
Confound them all. Must I be the Dad
To all that gallimaufrey thats stuffd
In thy corrupted, bastard-bearing womb?

Annabella Beastly man! Why, 'tis thy fate.

Soranzo Whore of whores! Art thou not with child?

Annabella I confess I am.

Soranzo Tell me by whom.

Annabella Sir, to stay your longing stomach,


Im content tacquaint you with: the man,
The more than man that got this sprightly boy
- For tis a boy: therefore glory that, sir,
Your heir shall be a son -

Soranzo Damnable monster!

Annabella Nay, and you will not hear, Ill speak no more.

Soranzo Yes, speak and speak thy last.

Annabella Let it suffice that you shall have the glory


To father what so brave a father got.

Soranzo Tell me his name.

Annabella Alas, alas, theres all!


Will you believe?

Soranzo What?
Annabella You shall never know.

Soranzo How?

Annabella Never; if you do, let me be cursd.

Soranzo Not know it, strumpet? Ill rip up thy heart


And find it there.

Annabella Do, do.

Soranzo And with my teeth,


Tear the prodigious lecher joint by joint.

Annabella Ha, ha, ha! The mans merry!

Soranzo Dost thou laugh?


Come, whore, tell me your lover, or by truth,
Ill hew thy flesh to shreds! Who ist?

Annabella (sings) Che morte piu dolce che morire per


amore.

Soranzo Thus will I pull thy hair, and thus Ill drag
Thy lust-be-leperd body through the dust.
Yet tell his name.

Annabella (sings) Morendo in gratia Dei, morirei senza


dolore.

Soranzo Dost thou triumph? The treasure of the earth


Shall not redeem thee; were there kneeling kings
Did beg thy life, or angels did come down
To plead in tears, yet should not all prevail
Against my rage! Dost thou not tremble yet?

Annabella At what? To die? No, be a gallant


hangman;
I dare thee to the worst; strike, and strike home;
I leave revenge behind and thou shalt feelt.

Soranzo Wilt thou confess, and I will spare thy life?


Annabella My life? I will not buy my life so dear.
Top Girls (1)
Caryl Churchill

Kit My mother says theres something wrong with you


playing with someone my age. She says why havent
you got any friends your own age. People your own
age know theres something funny about you. She
says youre a bad influence. She says shes going to
speak to your mother.

Angie Say youre a liar.

Kit She said it not me.

Angie Say you eat shit.

Kit You cant make me.

Angie Mind my hair you silly cunt.

Kit Stupid fucking cow I hate you.

Angie I dont care if you do.

Kit Youre horrible.

Angie Scaredy cat! Scaredy cat! Got you!

Kit My mum dont like you anyway.

Angie I dont want her to like me. Shes a slag.

Kit She is not.

Angie She does it with everyone.

Kit She does not.

Angie You dont even know what it is.

Kit Yes I do.


Angie Tell me then. Go on. Tell me. Im going to kill my
mother and youre going to watch.

Kit Im not playing.

Angie Youre scared of blood. Youre scared, thats all.

Kit Im not scared of anything.

Angie Youre scared of blood.

Kit You dont know nothing because youre a baby.

Angie I dont care anyway. Im leaving.

Kit Go on then.

Angie Youll wake up one morning and find Ive gone.

Kit Good.

Angie Im not telling you when.

Kit Go on then.

Angie Im sorry I hurt you.

Kit Im tired.

Angie Do you still like me?

Kit I dont know.

Angie You do like me.

Kit Im going home.


Top Girls (2)
Caryl Churchill
Marlene I went to see mother. Fucking awful life shes had.

Joyce Dont tell me.

Marlene Fucking waste.

Joyce Dont talk to me.

Marlene Why shouldnt I talk? Why shouldnt I talk to you?


Isnt she my mother too?

Joyce Look, youve left, youve gone away, we can do


without you.

Marlene I left home, so what, I left home. People do leave


home it is
normal.

Joyce We understand that, we can do without you.

Marlene We werent happy. Were you happy?

Joyce You couldnt get out of here fast enough.

Marlene Of course I couldnt get out of here fast enough.


What was I going to do? Marry a dairyman whod
come home pissed? Dont you fucking this fucking
that fucking bitch.

Joyce Christ.

Marlene Fucking tell me what to fucking do fucking.

Joyce I dont know how you could leave your own child.

Marlene You were quick enough to take her.

Joyce What does that mean?

Marlene You were quick enough to take her. You couldnt


have one so you took mine.
Joyce Turned out all right for you by the look of you. Youd
be getting a few less thousand a year. Youd be
stuck here like you said.

Marlene I could have taken her with me.


The Tragical History of King Richard III
Colly Cibber

Richard A Horse! A Horse! My Kingdom for a Horse!


Slave, I have set my Life upon a Cast,
And I will stand the hazard of the Dye.
I think there be six Richmonds in the Field;
Five I have slain to day, instead of him.
A Horse! A Horse! My Kingdom for a Horse.

Enter Richmond

Of one, or both of us the time is come.

Richmond Kind heaven I thank thee, for my cause is thine;


If Richards fit to live let Richmond fall.

Richard Thy Gallant bearing, Harry, I coud plaud,


But that the spotted Rebel stains the Soldier.

Richmond Nor shoud thy Prowess, Richard, want my praise,


But that thy cruel deeds have stampt thee Tyrant.
So thrive my Sword as Heavens high Vengeance
draws it.

Richard My Soul and Body on the Action both.

Richmond A dreadful lay: Heres to decide it.

Alarm, fight.

Richard Perdition catch thy Arm. The chance is thine:

Richard is wounded

But oh! The vast Renown thou hast acquired


In Conquering Richard, does afflict him more
Than even his Bodies parting with its Soul:
Now let the World no longer be a Stage
To feed contention in a lingring Act:
But let one spirit of the First-born Cain
Reign in all bosoms, that each heart being set
On bloody Actions, the rude Scene may end,
And darkness be the Burier of the Dead.
Dies

Richmond Farewell, Richard, and from thy dreadful end


May future Kings from Tyranny be warnd;
Had thy aspiring Soul but stird in Vertue
With half the Spirit it has dard in Evil,
How might thy Fame have gracd our English Annals:
But as thou art, how fair a Page thoust blotted.
Hark! The glad Trumpets speak the Field our own.
Troilus and Cressida (1)
William Shakespeare

Enter Achilles, raging

Achilles Where is this Hector? Come, come thou brave


boy-queller, show thy face. Know what it is to
meet Achilles angry. Hector! Hector! Wheres
Hector? I will none but Hector!

Enter Hector

Hector The dragon way of night oer spreads the earth


and stickler-like the armies separates. Stand fair, I
pray thee, let me look on thee.

Achilles Behold thy fill.

Hector Nay, I have done already

Achilles Tell me, you heavens in which part of his body


shall I destroy him? Whether there or there or
there that I may give the local wound a name and
make distinct the very break where out Hectors
spirit flew. Answer me heavens.

Hector Thinks thou to catch my life so pleasantly as to


provide in nice conjecture where thou will hit me
dead.

Achilles I tell thee, yea.

Hector Wert thou oracle to tell me so, Id not believe thee.


Henceforth guard thee well. For Ill not kill thee
there, nor there, nor there, but, by the forge that
stithied Mars his helm, Ill kill thee everywhere,
yea, oer and oer. You wisest Grecians pardon
me this brag: his insolence draws folly from my
lips. But Ill endeavour deeds to match these
words.

Achilles Now I do see thee. Ha. Have at thee Hector.


Hector Pause, if thou wilt.

Achilles I do disdain they courtesy proud Trojan. Thou arm


shall have of me again.

Hector I would have been a much fresher man had I


expected thee.

Achilles Fie, savage, fie.

Hector Stand! Stand thou greek. Thou art a goodly mark.


I like thy armour well. Ill frush it and unlock the
rivets all, but Ill be master of it.

Hector What art thou greek? Art thou for Hectors match?
Art though blood and honour?

Achilles Know thy not Achilles?

Achilles Look Hector, how the sun begins to set, how ugly
night comes breathing at his heels. Even with the
veil and darkning of the sun to close the day up.
Hectors life is done.

Hector I am unarmed. Forgo this vantage great.

Achilles So, Ilium, fall thou. Now, Troy, sink down. Here
lies thy heart, they sinews, and thy bone.
Oh Myrmidons, and cry you all amain. Achilles
hath the mighty Hector slain.
Troilus & Cressida (2)
William Shakespeare

Ajax Thersites...

Thersites Agamemnon - how if he had boils, full, all over,


generally?

Ajax Thersites...

Thersites And those boils did run, say so, did not the general
run then? Were not that a botchy core?

Ajax Dog!

Thersites Then would come some matter from him: I see none
now.

Ajax Thou bitch-wolfs son, canst thou not hear? Feel


then.

strikes him

Thersites The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-


witted lord!

Ajax Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak! I will


beat thee into handsomeness!

Thersites I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness, but I
think thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou
learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst
thou? A red murrain o thy jades tricks.

Ajax Toadstool! Learn me the proclamation.

Thersites Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me


thus?

Ajax The proclamation.

Thersites Thou art proclaimed fool, I think.


Ajax Do not, porpentine, do not, my fingers itch......

Thersites I would thou didst itch from head to foot: and I had
the scratching of thee, I would make thee the
loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in
the incursion thou strikest as slow as another.

Ajax I say the proclamation.

Thersites Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,


and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as
Cerberus is at Proserpinas beauty, ay, that thou
barkst at him.

Ajax Mistress Thersites!

Thersites Thou shouldst strike him.

Ajax Cobloaf!

Thersites He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a


sailor breaks a biscuit.

Ajax You whoreson cur!

beats him

Thersites Do! Do!

Ajax Thou stool for a witch.

Thersites Ay, do! Do! Thou sodden-witted lord, thou hast no


more brain than I have in mine elbows: an asinico
may tutor thee, Thou scurvy-valiant ass, thou art here
but to thrash Trojans, and thou art bought and sold
among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If
thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell
what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels thou!

Ajax You dog!

Thersites You scurvy lord!


Ajax You cur!

beats him

Thersites Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness: do, camel: do, do!
The Trojan Women (1)
Euripides

Helen Blame this woman!


This woman started it all!
She gave birth to Paris,
The man who stole me from you.
Before the birth, Hecuba dreamed
She had a firebrand in her womb.
She knew she was the mother of destruction.

Hecuba My son was beautiful.


Paris was a handsome prince of a man.
You didn't have to look at him twice,
Helen, to know that.
Your beauty hides the mind
Of a manipulating bitch, the kind of bitch
Men trample on each other to get near,
The kind of low bitch
Who must always be at the top.

Helen Blame! Hecuba blames me


For the evil she launched on the world,
She blames me for her misery.

Hecuba You were growing listless, Helen, bored and listless


Because you'd got your way with Menelaus.
A bored, beautiful woman is a monster.
You are the most beautiful monster
The world has known.

Helen Why did I forget


My love, my land, my family and friends
To sail the sea with a strange man?
Surely it was not I,
But the goddess standing at Paris's side
That prompted me to go!
I am not to blame.

Helen Helen is a liar! She lives to lie!


Lies spring more quickly from her lips
Than evil glances from a demon's eye.
Helen When Paris at last was dead and buried,
Why did I still stay in his house?
I tried, I tried,
So many times I tried, but all in vain!
I was stolen from you. I did not leave you.
Menelaus, reasonable man, lover of justice,
Patient listener to a pleading voice.

Hecuba Helen has lied her way through life


And cannot cease to lie until she dies.
Outrageous, smiling, lying bitch!
Getting your way through lies!

Helen Look into my eyes, listen to my voice


This is my skin, my flesh, my face, my hair.
These are my hands, reaching out to you forever.

Hecuba Kill her! Now!


Kill her! Then make a law for women everywhere:
Whatever woman betrays her husband, dies!

Helen Look at her now!


Shall we call her a woman?
Or a tyrant judge, rigid with accusation,
Lusting for my blood?
Who is this woman
Who cannot wait to scream for my death?

Hecuba You dare to stand there


In my presence, before my eyes
And spin your lies to get your way.
You should have crawled out here
Like the beast you are
Dressed in the stinking rags and tatters
That show your heart.
Helen, you are whatever
Turns a man into a murderer,
You created the thought of rape,
You are the cause of all our torture
And you will not escape!
Helen You look at me as if you'd never seen a woman in your
life.

Hecuba Yes. A woman. But what do I see in you?

Helen What do you see in me?

Hecuba I see a cunt. I see an evil cunt.


It's all you are.

Helen I see a twisted bitter jealous thing


Poisoned by memory.

Hecuba I see a greedy, scheming bitch


Who wants to take, take, take.

Helen I see a bad lump of envy


Raging for lost beauty.

Hecuba I see a traitor, not only of men


But of women.
Treachery is written on your skin.
The Trojan Women (2)
Euripides

Hecuba Was it only yesterday you were still my subject? Only


yesterday when you still had to watch me from your
place at the long table and wait until I raised my glass
before you could begin to drink? How long ago it
seems. And how like you, coward that you are, to wait
until we are reduced to chattel, slaves at auction,
before you dare to walk among us.

Helen Slavery is new to you. No wonder you chafe at it.


When you've endured it as long as I have, years and
years, you'll learn to stand up to it without so much
self-pity. And then you'll know what I have had to bear.

Hecuba What have you ever borne besides a lover's weight?

Helen The contempt of the world.


You'll know soon enough. When you rise from your
raping beds, wiping your eyes and smoothing your
skirts down over your thighs now purple with your new
master's handprints. When you run from your
conquerors and find no mercy anywhere; when
servants, children and strangers on the street spit at
you and call you a whore, then, oh, I hope you think of
me.

Hecuba You actually expect sympathy from us? You who never
drew a breath that didn't cause an innocent person
pain?

Helen I gave up on sympathy long ago. Always I've been


watched and judged. Run through by the gazes of
gods and men. I've never known the cool shadow of
privacy, never known anything like ordinary kindness.

Hecuba And you accuse me of self-pity?


What can your petty vanities mean here? Look at the
cost of your little drama and weigh your words. We
may be slaves, but we still have the freedom to take
our justice as we find it. What can keep us from having
our revenge now that you are helpless against our
hatred?

Helen When have I ever had protection?


This is so familiar.
And hatred?
It's all I've ever known.
Bought and bundled one bedroom to the next to writhe
beneath many conquerors.

Hecuba You had your choices.

Helen And you think I would choose this? To be loathed by


the entire world? To be the source of so much misery?
I never had a choice. I was the bride of force. Behind
every man who took me stood a goddess who steadied
his hips and whispered in his ear.

Hecuba The shame of your actions can't be blamed on a god.


You saw your chances, you sniffed the air and you
went where the pillows were softest.

Helen I've lost everything.

Hecuba What have you lost? What have you ever valued
beyond your own comfort? Your country? You
abandoned them to wretched turmoil only to drag them
behind you in your wake to us. Troy? Fools that we
were, we opened our shining gates to you only to let
you seed your infection of woe in our perfect city.

Helen I went where I was taken.

Hecuba If this is the price of beauty, let beauty perish with


everything else.

Helen What I have was given to me by the gods. It isn't yours


to take from me. There is no woman here to hate. Only
power. And that you cannot skin off me.
Truth and Reconcilliation
Debbie Tucker Green

Woman A If you have something to say, just say it.

Woman I need no-one's permission to say anything - I don't


need your permission to say anything - not waiting for
your say-so to say something - from the woman who
wouldn't know what truth was if it came and slapped
you round that loose mouth of yours.

Woman A You make me feel ill.

Woman You couldn't make me feel anything.

Woman A I haven't done anything.

Woman You think? Standing there presuming what about me? I


haven't done anything. I haven't done anything wrong.
All you had to do was -

Woman A Don't.

Woman Or what? Don't what? A Threat? From you? Fuckin...


laughable.

Woman A You said nothing. You said nothing.

Woman You know nothing about my nothings.

Woman A You're choosing to say nothing.

Woman You know nothing about my - my - my -and 'choosing'?


'Choices'? Your definitions are for you - I had no
choice.

Woman A He was my son.

Woman What about my son?

Woman A Fuck your son.

Woman Fuck you -

Woman A says the woman who bred the fucking beast.

Woman Fucking 'beast'?


Woman A Your son was the fucking problem.

Woman Fucking 'beast'? Bold now aren'tcha?

Woman A Down to a level of language that you'll understand.

Woman Who you been taking tips from? Who gave you the
bollocks to talk to me like that? Who the fuck d'you
think you're talking to?

Woman A Who the fuck do you think you are?

Woman You can cut me down for what I do say but you can't
stand there and criticise me for what I didn't.

Woman A What you didn't say loses lives. You knew what your
boy was going to do.

Woman Did I?

Woman A And what he did was unforgiveable and you're


unforgiveable for not saying something sooner that
could have stopped it.

Woman Your boy had a mind of his own -

Woman A Not after your fucker whispered in it.

Woman Or was his mind as weak as his mother's?

Woman A I raised my son not to lose him to yours's fuckin cause.


You knew what your boy was going to do. What you
don't say loses lives - toldju.

Woman I came here - on my own - that's what kind of woman I


am.

Woman A You could have stopped it.

Woman That I came here at all - is what kind of woman I am.

Woman A You could have stopped him and saved a lot of


mourning mothers in the meantime.

Woman I'm a mother in mourning.

Woman A Your own fault.


Woman I've been mannersable and polite and put up with all
your bollocks trying to batter me - but that's the kind of
woman I am. You turn up with your bullshit, think you're
something that you're not and say nothing. What kind
of woman are you? What kind of mother were you?

Woman A What kind of mother were you?

Woman I stand up and say something back then - then what?


What? Don't - don't tell me about choice - don't stand
there and say to me about - I won't fuckin - Don't.
Tusk, Tusk
Polly Stenham

Maggie Did you find out anything?

Eliot Did she call?

Maggie Where do you think she is?

Eliot Dunno.

Maggie Do you think shes coming back? Silence Shes our


mum for Christs sake.

Eliot (to Finn offstage) Eat up.


These crisps are a treat. When have you ever had
crisps for breakfast before?

Maggie Yesterday, and the day before that and the day

Eliot She woofs, she woofs and she howls.

Maggie Its time.

Maggie goes to open the door.

Eliot Dont. Im warning you. Dont open it. Mum said not to
go outside.

He yanks her away from the door.

Are you mad? Someone will see inside, someone will


Maggie SOMEONES GOT TO SEE, CAUSE YOU WONT.

Eliot Shut up.

Maggie Youre more like her than I ever thought. You both
cant see the shit from the stars.

Eliot Take that back.


Maggie Like mother, like son. You both only really care about
getting laid.

Eliot Bitch.

Maggie Me or her? Because I bet if you blur your eyes you


cant tell the difference . . .

Eliot Im warning you.

Maggie Cause youre such a big man now. Arent you?

She circles him.

Look at him, all tall and proud. He hunts and gathers.


He protects

Eliot Shut your

Maggie Shimmying through the urban jungle to make a kill. He


hunts. He gathers. The man. And he brings back . . .
He brings back . . . (She starts snorting with laughter)
Crisps . . .

On this last word Eliot gives in, angry. He pounces on his sister,
pushing her back onto the sofa etc.

Eliot Well, youre fucking eating them, arent you? Arent


you? ARENT YOU?

Struggle

Maggie STOP IT! Youre not listening to me.

Eliot What are you saying we do? Well get farmed off to
some teenage care home and they will put Finn in
separate foster care before his feet touch the linoleum.
She had one last chance

Maggie And she ruined it, Eliot. Its time to wake up.

Eliot NO. We will wait here. Until we are starving. Until we


cant handle a moment more of it.
Maggie Jesus Christ. Do you not get it? Im not doing this any
more, Eliot. You cant stop me.

Beat.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Eliot Im sorry.

Maggie Why why, Eliot?

Eliot Just know Im sorry.


Two Noble Kinsmen
William Shakespeare

Palamon O good-morrow.

Arcite Good-morrow, noble kinsman.

Palamon I have put you to too much pains, sir.

Arcite That too much, fair cousin, is but a debt of honour,


and my duty.

Palamon Would you were so in all, sir. I could wish ye as kind


a kinsman as you force me find a beneficial foe, that
my embraces might thank ye, not my blows.

Arcite I shall think either, well done, a noble recompense.

Palamon Then I shall quit you. I am well and lusty. Choose


your arms.

Arcite Choose you, sir.

Palamon Wilt thou exceed in all, or dost thou do it to make me


spare thee?

Arcite If you think so, cousin, you are deceived, for as I am


a soldier I will not spare you.

Palamon Thats well said.

Arcite Youll find it.

Palamon Then as I am an honest man and love, with all the


justice of affection Ill pay thee soundly. This Ill take.

Arcite Thats mine, then. Will you fight bare-armed?

Palamon We shall be the nimbler.

Arcite But use your gauntlets, though. Those are of the


least. Prithee take mine, good cousin.
Palamon Thank you, Arcite. I warrant thee Ill strike home.

Arcite Do, and spare not. Ill give you cause, sweet cousin.

Palamon Now to you, sir. I would have nothing hurt thee but
my sword, a bruise would be dishonour.

Arcite If I fall, curse me and say I was a coward. Farewell,


my cousin.

Palamon Farewell Arcite.

either:

Arcite Lo, cousin, lo, our folly has undone us.

or:

Palamon O know your cunning and I know your cause. He


that faints now, shame take him: put thyself upon thy
present guard.

Arcite Have at thy life.


War Next Door (The)
Tamsin Oglesby

Max Im telling you - / Im asking you no, listen Ali, you cannot

Ali You know what, Max. I like you and that,


but what I do in my own house is none of your fucking
business, mate.

Max It is exactly my business.


Im your neighbour unfortunately Ive actually seen you at it

Ali Yeah? Well whatever you saw, you think you saw, its got
fuck all to do with you.

Max It has everything to do with me. I am your neighbour. / I saw


you. Standing on the doorstep in front of the whole

Ali Its none of your fuck off. I int never done nothing on my
doorstep. Why would I do it on my doorstep?

Max well I dont know but I saw you on the doorstep - / how

Ali Bollocks.

Max else would I how else would I know?

Ali You cant of

Max you denying it?

Ali I int never done nothing on no doorstep.

Max Youre a lying git.


I bloody saw you.

Ali Who told you?

Max Right so you admit it.

Ali Who told you this?


Max No-one told me, alright?
I saw you with my own eyes in broad bloody daylight.

Ali Someone told you.

Max No-one told me.

Ali Someone mustve said something.

Max Im telling you, Ali are you listening? No-one fucking told
me. I saw

Ali It was her want it? She told you. She fucking told you.

Max Look. Listen. Its got nothing to do with Hana, alright.

Ali So why bring her into it?

Max I didnt. You did.

Ali What did she say, then? What did she say?

Max NOTHING. At all.

Ali Fucking whats your problem, man?


Its my business what I do on my own fucking patch.

Max Try saying that to the law


They might just think youre taking the piss.

Ali You gonna squeal?

Max It is illegal.

Ali Go on then. Call the fucking fuzz.


You think you got evidence

Max Look this isnt about the fucking police alright? Thats not
what this is about. Im interested in stopping you before they
find out.

Ali Im careful.
Max No. Careful isnt good enough.

Ali But its not like a frigging drugs ring.


Its not my total income, is it?

Max It is illegal to sell drugs. Full stop.

Ali Piss in the ocean mate.

Max How much?

Ali What?

Max How much are you making? From my weed. How much?

Ali You want a cut?

Max No I do not want a cut. I wouldnt touch it with a barge pole. I


want to know how much you make and who they are the
people who buy it.

Ali You want their names?

Max No I dont want their names you stupid sod. I want to know
where do they come from? How do you know them? How do
you know theyre not part of some drug squad?

Ali Dont worry about it man.


Give yourself a heart attack.

Max I am fucking worried about it.


Look, okay, listen, as a member of the legal profession I
have to be above reproof. I cant be mixed up with this kind
of trade.

Ali Youre the supplier, innit?

Max And if they ever found out which they will do because the
way you carry on its only a matter of time it would be the
complete and total fucking end of my whole entire career.

Ali Well thats alright then innit, coz Im not telling them.
Max If you wave it about on the fucking doorstep they dont need
telling do they? They just need eyes.

Ali I dont do it on the doorstep. I said. They come round the


back.

Max Look you stupid backward fucking third world cunt.


This is England. There are laws.
Christ I should have never let you in.
I dont give my weed to everyone you know,
I trusted you and what happens?
Youve no respect for me or anybody elses way of life
- well, if thats the way you want to play it, fine.
Weve always had our doubts about you but I gave you the
benefit.
Well fuck you. I dont hit my wife.
Youre the loser. Youre the coward.
I should have said it years ago. Fuck you.

Ali You call the cops on me Ill call the cops on you.

Max Dont be ridiculous. I dont hit my wife.

Ali You grow Marijuana.

Max I dont hit my wife.

Ali Fuck you.

Max Fuck you.

Ali Fuck you.

Max Fuck YOU.

Ali FUCK YOU.

Max Fine. But remember. She didnt tell me anything, alright. I


saw you myself. So dont go making up lies.

Ali Fuck you.


War of the Roses
Screenplay by Michael Leeson

Oliver Well, I think everybody had a great time, dont you?

Bar To cut a long story short, no.

Oliver Sorry.you were just rambling on.

Bar And that phoney laugh - huuh, huuh

Oliver That was a genuine laugh.

Bar Look how crazy you are about yourself.

Oliver Im sorry.

Bar Dont apologise.

Oliver I kind of live with the assumption that all guys owe an
apology to the woman they live with.

Bar Youre so full of shit.

Oliver Now Ive got you and Im not going to let you get
away. What the hell is wrong with you?

Bar I want a divorce.

Oliver Why!

Bar Because when I watch you eat, when I see you


sleep, when I look at you lately, I just want to smash
your face in.

Oliver Come on, smash my face, come on, you want to


smash my fa
the next time I hit back and you better get yourself a
damn good lawyer.

Bar Youre making me nuts, Oliver. Would you please,


Im asking you to leave.

Oliver No. Its my home and Im going to stay.


Bar I found this house. This is my house.

Oliver You will never get this house, do you understand?

Bar Well see.

Oliver Yeah, well see.

Bar This is the stupidest thing youve ever done.

Oliver Second stupidest.

Bar You cant stay here.

Oliver The law says I can, tootsie-pie.

Bar I expected a little more imagination from you, Ollie.

Oliver Not the Staffordshires! You love them as much as I


do.

Bar More!

Oliver Dont you touch that! Give it to me.

Bar Let go!

Oliver Give it to me. Goodnight.

Bar Weve made a mess of things, Oliver.

Oliver Yes, we sure have.

Bar I want to start living a normal life again.

Oliver I do too, Barbara. Its hard to believe we cant be


happy.

Bar We can be happy.just not together.

Oliver I guess you dont want to talk about it?

Bar Oliver, if you dont get out of here now you have no
idea how far I will go.

Oliver How far? We havent passed any point of no return.


Bar I have.

Oliver Nobody who makes pate like you can be all bad.

Bar That depends on what the pate is made of.woof!

Oliver Fido?

Bar A good dog to the last bite.

Oliver Goddam you! Jesus Christ! Barbara, you cant get


out. Im going to find you sweetnessI guess Im on
top now, huh? And youre helpless. I can do
anything I want.

Bar Stop it. I mean it. I would never humiliate you like
this.

Oliver Youre not equipped to, honey.

Bar Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Oliver Leaving so soon, baby doll? What are you doing?

Bar Get out.

Oliver Youre going to have to kill me.

Bar I mean it, Oliver. I need this to end. It has to end.

Oliver Stinking bitch!

Bar Youre a bastard!

Oliver Slut!

Bar Scum!

Oliver Filth!

Bar Faggot!

Oliver So what do you want to do? You want to take a


swing at me?
Would that make you feel better? You dont have the
guts. Come on, come on. OK, OK the gloves are off,
the gloves are off, chicken-shit. Only you can
make

Bar What fresh hells this?

Oliver the world seem right..

Bar You are a jerk!


Welcome to the Jungle
Screenplay by R J Stewart & James Vanderbilt

Bek A couple of months ago you made some wagers with an


associate of mine

Travis Bets? You come and embarrass me in front of my friends


about some bets?

Bek I dont mean to embarrass you, this is embarrassing for


me, Im a big fan, but $50,000..

Travis Heres $1000. Ill see your man on Monday

Bek Sorry, Im going to need some collateral

Travis What? No way!!

Bek Listen, I dont want any trouble.

Travis Then leave now and dont come back

Bek Sorry, I cant so that.

Travis So you do want trouble.

Bek Look, you got two choices; A or B

Travis Whats Option A?

Bek You and I walk outta here nice and easy, no blood or
broken bones.

Travis Whats option B?

Bek Pretty much the opposite of option A.

Travis Yeah, well, I choose option C

Bek Ill give you one more chance to reconsider it

Travis Ill give you one more chance to shut your mouth!!
Travis Youre getting nothing out of me

Bek Im taking it right now!!

Travis There isnt enough aspirin for a headache like you

Bek Well, there probably is, but I know what you mean

Travis You got the moves, Ill give you that, but you reached into
the wrong refrigerator.

Bek Option A is still on the table, just give me what I want

Travis Option A doesnt really work for me.

Bek Good!

Travis Im beginning to think youre enjoying this

Bek Im beginning to think youre right

Travis Look, Ill give you what you want next week.

Bek No

Travis Youre being unreasonable

Bek Now youre getting the picture.

Travis Just leave me alone

Bek Nah, like you said Im beginning to enjoy this.

Travis Yeh, well enjoy this!!

Bek Give me the ring and Ill wait.

Travis NO!!

Bek You can take it off or I willat the knuckle. Now, have
what you owe by next week or I might have to enjoy
myself again.
Whistle in the Dark
Tom Murphy

Harry Youre gonna throw me out?

Michael Ive had enough. Pig. Youre a pig!! An animal, thats what
you are. Listen, if you are not gone in the morning.

Harry Yes, yes?

Michael You and youre big, stupid, ignorant mouth.

Harry What? You didnt get so far with your clever ways. All
your big talk and youre not even a bank manager.

Michael If

Harry What a mighty word, if, if, if. If youd got the chance, is it?
If youre head wasnt so big, is it? If you werent so
handsome, what hey? Huh?

Michael No...

Harry All the other bank managers got the breaks, except for
you.

Michael If I had got away from things like you!!

Harry Ohh, you feel intelligent and Im not, huh? And youre
always right, right?

Michael Anything else? Anything else?

Harry Whose *** it? Isnt that it, isnt that it, heh?

Michael God, you are so, so thick!!

Harry Yeh, yeh, Im thick, Im stupid, yeh? Im a thick feller and


you are such a clever boy. Still the clever one, but Im
thick. Thick lads cant feel, they cant be offended..

Michael Anything else? Oh, how tough you are. Are you happy
now. Said enough?
Harry No, but youre frightened now Michael. Im drunk, thats
funny, but you, youre frightened Michael. You worry
about me dontcha? You worry about me and you
apologise for me to them with their lovely white collars
and to them with their lovely white collars you say Yes,
sir and Right away, sir and they smile at cha, and a pat
on the head for you, and that makes you better than me,
huh? Does it?

Michael Yes!!

Harry If I say a thing, Ill mean it, Ill fight for it, no old crap talk,
not not knowing where I stand.

Michael ANYTHING ELSE?

Harry No. You happy now?


Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?
Edward Albee

Martha Get me a drink. George makes everybody sick


When our son was just a little boy, he used to -

George Dont Martha

Martha he used to throw up all the time because of George -

George I said dont!

Martha It got so bad that whenever George came into the


room hed start right in retching, and

George I would have been perfectly happy not to discuss the


whole subject I never want to talk about it.

Martha Yes you do.

George When were alone, maybe.

Martha Were alone!

George Uh no, love weve got guests.

Martha We sure have.

George Well! Thats one game. What shall we do now, hunh?


Weve played Humiliate the Host Lets see now what
else can we do? There are other games. How about
how about Hump the Hostess? HUNH? How about
that? You wanna play Hump the Hostess? HUNH?
HUNH?

Martha You make me sick.

George Its perfectly all right for you I mean you can make
your own rules you can go around like a hopped-up
Arab, slashing away at everything in sight, scarring up
half the world if you want to.

Martha You miserable


Martha Youve really screwed up, George.

George Oh, for Gods sake, Martha!

Martha I mean it you really have.

George You can stand there with gin running out of your
mouth, and you can humiliate me, you can tear me
apart ALL NIGHT and thats perfectly all right thats
OK

Martha YOU CAN STAND IT!

George I CANNOT STAND IT!

Martha YOU CAN STAND IT! YOU MARRIED ME FOR IT!

George That is a desperately sick lie.

Martha DONT YOU KNOW IT, EVEN YET?

George Oh Martha.

Martha My arm has gotten tired whipping you.

George Youre mad. Youre deluded Martha, youre deluded.

Martha ITS NOT WHAT IVE WANTED!

George I thought at least you were on to yourself. I didnt


know. I didnt know.

Martha Im on to myself.

George No no youre sick.

Martha ILL SHOW YOU WHOS SICK, ILL SHOW YOU.

George Stop it! Now, stop it!

Martha Ill show you whos sick. Boy, youre really having a
field day, hunh? Well, Im going to finish you before
Im through with you

George you and the quarterback you both gonna finish


me?

Martha before Im through with you youll wish youd died in


that automobile, you bastard.

George And you wish you never mentioned our son!

George I warned you not to go too far.

Martha Im just beginning.


The Witch
Thomas Middleton

Fransisca What blade have you got there, Sir?

Antonio Nay I know that not. I am not acquainted greatly with


the blade; I am sure 'tis a good scabbard and that
satisfies me.

Fransisca 'Tis long enough indeed, if that be good.

Antonio I love to wear a long weapon; 'tis a thing


commendable.

Fransisca Will you draw it, Sir?

Antonio It is not to be drawn.

Fransisca Not to be drawn?

Antonio I do not care to see it. To tell you troth sir, 'tis only a
holiday thing, to wear at a man's side.

Fransisca What base cowardice is this? Draw it! Or I'll rip thee
from neck to navel, though there's small glory in it.

Antonio Are you in earnest?

Fransisca I'll tell thee that anon. This slave had so much daring
courage in him to act a sin would shame whole
generations, but hath not so much strength about him
to draw a sword in way of satisfaction.

Antonio Why what's the matter?

Fransisca I fight in honest cause, sir. Thou madest my sister a


whore.

Antonio Come, prove that an honest cause and I'll be hanged.


Fransisca Why, come then slave! I will make base lust a terrible
villany. Pray, what death is't you desire? A subtle? Or a
sudden?

Antonio Here is a gift both subtle and sudden.

This cause is lost!

Fransisca Come back quickly, for I must kill thee. Stay not long if
thou desirest a death with little pain.

Antonio If I be forced to come, I shall be cruel above a man to


thee.

Fransisca See they weapon and weep before thy death. See this
- thy unworthy and unequal piece. Thou wert not good
enough to use it.

Antonio I may not be good but I am quick.


The Women Pirates
Steve Gooch

Ann Whered you learn to fight?

Mary In the army.

Ann I like you.

Mary I dont need trouble.

Ann We got the deck to ourselves.

Mary Dont touch me.

Ann What you scared of?

Mary Nothing.

Ann Its easy.

Mary Are you mad?

Ann Whats the matter? I got the looks. Im clean.

Mary Im not interested.

Ann Why not?

Mary You dont excite me.

Ann I havent tried yet.

Mary No-one touches me.

Ann Whats so different about you? Ill say youre bent,


then theyll be after you.

Mary No.

Ann Oh yes.

Mary Im a woman.
Ann Thats not funny.

Mary Catch me saying it is.

Ann I dont believe it.

Mary Suit yourself.

Ann I felt something.

Mary Me.

Ann I believe you.

Mary Big of you.

Ann You might have said earlier.

Mary I didnt ask you to find out.

Ann You didnt stop me either.

Mary What difference would it make? You kept on.

Ann How was I to know?

Mary Too bloody eager, thats your trouble.

Ann The only bloke on the ship I fancied!

Mary A minute ago I was just one of the crew. I had a


place, now because of you, Ive lost it. Hell string me
up.

Ann Never.

Mary Or put me off. One womans bad enough.

Ann He doesnt know yet.

Mary Youll tell him.


Ann I wont.

Mary Breathe a word of this, Ill cut your ears off.

Ann You and whose army?

Mary I can do it. You know that.

Ann Like to see you try.

Mary It was a joke, I didnt mean it.

Ann We dont have to fight. Look, whats your name?

Mary Mary.

Ann Shake, Mary.


The Woman Who Cooked Her Husband (1)
Debbie Isitt

Hilary Not good enough for him? Not hot enough for him?
Not young enough for him? How dare he think he can
dump me?

KENNETH enters

Ill split his head open Ill crack and rip and tear
and split Ill crunch him and chop him slice him
nice and thin bastard, Bastard, BASTARD!

Kenneth Ive just come for the rest of my things, but if your
busy Ill...

Hilary Well, youd better come in.

Kenneth Thanks it wont take a minute.

Hilary Whats it like her place?

Kenneth Im staying with friends.

Hilary LIAR! What is it she does for you? She must have
something, my God to throw this all away.

Kenneth She makes me feel alive.

Hilary What do you mean, alive?

Kenneth Virile excited alive.

Hilary She makes your cock feel alive you mean!

Kenneth Hilary, please dont be coarse it doesnt suit you.

Hilary What does suit me, this fucking apron.

Kenneth Oh God.

Hilary This it, hypocrite turn to religion when youre in a bit


of trouble.
Kenneth Would you rather I didnt say anything lied to you
about her?

Hilary Yes, dammit! Lie! It wouldnt kill you tell me shes


nothing tell me Im imagining things. Tell me its me
you love and no one else. Lie! Lie! LIE!

Kenneth I cant.

Hilary You lied to me at the altar piece of piss you said


youd love me forever forsaking all others.

Kenneth That was different.

Hilary Youre a born liar, Kenneth, but I meant it when I said


til death do us part.

Kenneth Hilary, put it away youre upset, you dont know


what youre doing.

Hilary I do know Im going to kill you.

Kenneth Its just so unlike you youre strong and together.

Hilary We were together, you and me.

Kenneth We still can be Ill stop seeing her.

Hilary See how the lies come pouring out now! Our whole
lifes been a lie!

Kenneth I would have told you I meant to I didnt want to


hurt you.

Hilary Hurt me is that what you think?

Kenneth Well, obviously youre upset I didnt want this.

Hilary I bet you didnt! You wanted the best of both worlds! I
know about men like you I just didnt know you
were one of them.
Kenneth Cant we just talk?

Hilary About what?

Kenneth Anything Anything you want tell me what to do.

Hilary Why should I get you out of the little mess youre in?

Kenneth Ill do anything you say.

Hilary Because youre scared?

Kenneth Because I love you.

Hilary Love me? Apparently I killed you I must have done


if she makes you feel so alive, and if youre dead
already it wont hurt when I kill you again, will it?

Kenneth For Gods sake, Hilary!

Hilary Blasphemy! Adultery! Youre the scum of the earth.

Kenneth Im sorry Im sorry I think I should go.

Hilary Go to hell theyre all waiting for you.

Kenneth Please Hilary youre over-reacting again.

Hilary And what if Id done it eh - whod be overreacting if


Id got myself a toy-boy?

Kenneth You couldnt attract anyone now youve lost all your
looks my lifes not over yet Im sorry, but you
might as well know now youve become a fat, old,
boring housewife and I dont want you anymore.

Hilary All those lies and finally the truth.


The Woman Who Cooked Her Husband (2)
Debbie Issit

Laura I've come for a chat. I don't really know how to tell you
- you're going to kill me - I don't blame you. He won't
tell you - I've begged him...

Hilary Tell me what - who?

Laura I've come to explain.

Hilary Explain what?

Laura Why your husband's been so distant... where he's


been, what he's been up to.

Hilary You what?

Laura He's been with me. Kenneth and I are lovers; we have
been for a long time.

Hilary You come to my house, tell me my marriage is over -


who the hell do you think you are? You don't know my
marriage, you haven't got a clue. People like you want
locking up!

Laura It just happened. There must have been something


lacking.

Hilary Is that right? Even if my husband knew who you were,


he'd tell me how much he loved me - and you to get
lost - all he needs, he gets at home, don't worry about
that!

Laura He just doesn't fancy you any more!

Hilary I've just about had enough of this.

Laura I thought you knew... I mean, you must have known


something.
Hilary Just because you haven't got a boyfriend you can't go
round making up stories, fantasizing about other
women's husbands.

Laura I suppose you just don't want to admit it.

Hilary Are you thinking of offering him a bit on the side?


Flattering his ego? It doesn't make you special.

Laura I'm special enough that he wants to leave you for me.

Hilary Leave me? You must be joking - Kenneth wouldn't go


with you if you were the last woman alive.

Laura It's over. Your marriage. Kenneth has been planning to


leave you for months.

Hilary I'm going to kill you.

Laura I'm not frightened of you.

Hilary You're the scum of the earth.

Laura And what are you going to do about it?

Hilary Home-wrecker! Marriage-breaker!

Laura You'll get over it.

Hilary Go to hell - they're all waiting for you.

Laura Frigid old bag!

Hilary Get out!


Zastrozzi: The Master Of Discipline (1)
George F Walker

Zastrozzi Are you ready Matilda?

Matilda First I want to make one thing clear. I do not suffer


from rapier envy. I just like to fight. Ive been
thinking - I dont want to do this anymore. Lets make
love.

Zastrozzi Im preoccupied...

Matilda You were preoccupied the last time I came to you.


And the time before that as well. We havent made
love in over a year.

Zastrozzi Then go somewhere else. Making love is not an


accurate description of what we do anyway.

Matilda I realize that. I know what we do. We ravage each


other. Nevertheless I miss it. Dont you?

Zastrozzi No.

Matilda Dont you get physically aroused anymore?

Zastrozzi No. All sexual desire left me the moment I realized I


had a purpose in life.

Matilda I dont understand.

Zastrozzi I dont need your understanding.

Matilda Yes. I Know that. I havent been coming to you all


these years because I think you need anything from
me. Its that I need something from you.

Zastrozzi Really. What?

Matilda The whore sleeps with the devil so she can feel like a
virgin?
Zastrozzi Something like that. Yes. What a comfortable little
solution to guilt. Except that your devil is
unpredictable. Get out.

Matilda Let me stay.

Zastrozzi Get out. Or your devil might slit your throat just to
show you the flaw in your argument.

Matilda If I crawl across to you and beg will you let me stay?

Zastrozzi First, lets see you crawl. Make love to me.

Matilda First, lets see how you crawl.


Zastrozzi: The Master Of Discipline (2)
George F Walker

Julia What is happening to me? I go for a series of walks


in the street. Smile at two young men. One of them
tells me he is a visionary. The other abducts me and
tell me he is going to rape and murder me, not
necessarily in that order. Then he hits me like he
would a man and knocks me unconscious. I wake up
and find the young man who thinks he is a visionary
lying on the ground bleeding to death from a head
would. Whats happening to me?

MATILDA enters.

Matilda You must be the virgin. The one with the marvellous
gentle sensuality.

Julia Who are you?

Matilda My name is Matilda. I am your competition. I have a


sensuality which is not the least bit gentle.

Julia Really? What do you want?

Matilda I want to kill all the virgins in the world.

Julia Oh no. Whats happening to me?

Matilda Unfortunately for you, we are both in love with the


same man.

Julia (pointing to VEREZZI.) Him? I dont love him. I dont


even like him.

Matilda Not him. Zastrozzi.

Julia Ive heard of him. Hes the one who is whispered


about in polite society.

Matilda He is the evil genius of all Europe. A criminal. And I


am a criminal too. We belong together. So we must
fight and I must kill you.
Julia Why cant I just leave?

Matilda That wont do. Besides, I will enjoy killing you. It is


women like you who make me look like a tart.

Julia Nonsense. Its the way you dress.

Matilda Stand up, you mindless virgin.

Julia (Standing) Madame, Im neither mindless nor a


virgin. I am merely a victim of bizarre circumstances.
A product of healthy civilization thrown into a jungle
of the deranged.

Matilda Yes, get angry. You are better when you are angry. If I
were a man I could seduce you on the spot.

Julia Thats perverse!

Matilda (Taking a knife from under her skirts) Yes, get


indignant. You are quite provocative when you are
upset. Take off your clothes.

Julia Why?

Matilda We are going to make love.

Julia Oh no, we are not.

Matilda Yes, get confused. You are quite ridiculous when you
are confused. And it is exactly the way someone like
you should die. (She advances)

Julia What are you doing?

Matilda We are going to fight. And we are going to stop


fighting when one of us is dead.

Julia I would rather not. I would rather discuss some other


possibility. Im only seventeen years old. People tell
me I have so much to live for.
Matilda Oh? Name something worth living for and I might
spare your life.

Julia But how could I? A woman like you could never


appreciate what I think is worth living for. No offense.
But take your dress for example. I would live to dress
much better than that.

Matilda You mindless, coy, disgusting virgin!

MATILDA attacks and they struggle. The knife falls and JULIA
scrambles after it. MATILDA leaps on her and somehow MATILDA
is stabbed. She falls over dead. JULIA feels her pulse)

Julia Dead. Oh my God. (She stands) What is happening


to me? First a victim. Now a murderer! And I didnt
even know her. This is grossly unfair. Im young. Ive
had the proper education. My future was a pleasant
rosy colour. I could see it in my head. It was a rosy
colour. Very pretty. This is truly grossly unfair.
Zastrozzi: The Master Of Discipline (3)
George F Walker

Zastrozzi What do you want?

Victor Sir. Tell me - What is this about? All this death?

Zastrozzi It is a continuing process of simplification. I am


simplifying my life. These people came here to be
judged.

Victor By you?

Zastrozzi Is there anyone better at it?

Victor Apparently not. Well then I too want to be judged by


Zastrozzi, who judges for a profession.

Zastrozzi Then step closer.

Victor Is there a fee?

Zastrozzi Yes. But I take it from you quickly. Youll never even
know its gone.

Victor I have another idea. I think a man who enjoys his


profession as much as you should be the one to pay
the fee.

Zastrozzi Perhaps. But I have never met anyone who would


collect from me.

Victor You have now, sir.

Zastrozzi I doubt it very much. You dont even hold your


weapon properly.

Victor I have an unorthodox style. But it serves.

Zastrozzi Lets see. Did you not know that I could see into your
heart?

Victor Yes. But I can see into your heart as well.


Zastrozzi Then it will be an interesting battle.

Victor So.

Zastrozzi So.

fight

Zastrozzi What are all these strange things you are doing
designed for?

Victor To keep me alive.

Zastrozzi Eventually I will find a way to penetrate your


unorthodox style.

Victor That might be difficult, since I am making it up as I go


along.

Zastrozzi You look silly.

Victor But I am alive.

Zastrozzi Perhaps more alive than you have ever been. That is
sometimes the way a person faces death.

Victor I intend to live.

Zastrozzi Then you should take my advice and become an


ordinary man.

Victor Sir. The point is that I am an ordinary man.

Zastrozzi An ordinary man does not challenge Zastrozzi.

Victor I am still alive. I am still waiting to be judged.

Zastrozzi But you are totally on the defensive.

Victor I dont have to kill you; I only have to survive. By


merely surviving I neutralize you.
Zastrozzi You cannot neutralize something you do not
understand.

Victor I am alive! Everything I said was true. You are


neutralized. I am the emissary of goodness in the
battle between good and evil. I am alive.

Zastrozzi Ah, Victor, you understood what was in your heart but
you did not know your limitations.
The Zoo Story
Edward Albee

Jerry Tell me, Peter, is this bench, this iron and this wood,
is this your honour? Is this the thing in the world
youd fight for? Can you think of anything more
absurd?

Peter Absurd? Look, Im not going to talk to you about


honour, or even try to explain it to you. Besides, it
isnt a question of honour; but even if it were, you
wouldnt understand.

Jerry You dont even know what youre saying, do you.


This is probably the first time in your life youve had
anything more trying to face than changing your cats
toilet box. Stupid. Dont you have any idea, not even
the slightest, what other people need?

Peter Oh, boy, listen to you; well, you dont need this
bench. Thats for sure.

Jerry Yes; yes I do.

Peter Ive come here for years; I have hours of great


pleasure, great satisfaction, right here. And thats
important to a man. Im a responsible person, and
Im a grown-up. This is my bench, and you have no
right to take it away from me.

Jerry Fight for it then. Defend yourself; defend your bench.

Peter Youve pushed me to it. Get up and fight.

Jerry Like a man?

Peter Yes, like a man, if you insist on mocking me even


further.

Jerry Ill have to give you credit for one thing; you are a
vegetable, and a slightly near-sighted one, I think.....

Peter Thats enough!


Jerry ......but you know, as they say on TV all the time, you
know, and I mean this, Peter, you have a certain
dignity; it surprises me.....

Peter Stop!

Jerry Very well, Peter, well battle for the bench, but were
not evenly matched.

Peter You are mad! Youre stark raving mad! Youre going
to kill me.

Jerry There you go. Pick it up. You have the knife and
well be more evenly matched.

Peter Ill give you one last chance; get out of here and
leave me alone!

Jerry So be it!