Addie Jensen

COMM 2110
Relational Change Project
Date: April 21, 2017

This paper outlines my personal change project. My goal was to

improve my listening skills with my sister so I could have a better
relationship with her. I applied several strategies from the text that
included: being aware that I am a critical and task-oriented listener,
being a self-absorbed listener (conversational narcissist), conveying a
better meta-message, social decentering, and separating facts from
inference. During this project I have become more aware of how my
communication habits, especially listening, affect my relationships with
those around me. Working on my listening skills has helped me
improve my relationship with my sister. I have improved but there are
still things I can work on. One goal I have for the future is to be an on-
task listener meaning I will make a conscious effort to focus on the
message being delivered to me.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

When I have conversations with my sister I look for things to argue

with my sister about. This type of communication is not making us
closer it is pulling us apart. We are very different and have completely
different views on a lot of things in life but this should not keep us from
being friends. In most of my conversations with my sister I find myself
criticizing her and thinking of a way to respond rather than just
listening. In these situations I am not actively listening to my sisters
statement or even letting her finish her thoughts before I respond.

Here are two examples:

When my sister and I were both in High School we both played

sports and needed the car we shared to go different places at
the same time. One night I wanted to take the car to go hang
out with some of my friends and my sister wanted the car to go
to a party. We got in an argument about who should take the car.
When my sister talked I would always interrupt her and never let
her finish her thoughts. I pointed out how much more important
my plans were and I criticized her friends that she was going to
hang out with. In the end our parents had to step in and take
control of the situation. Neither one of us ended up going
anywhere that night because we couldnt act like responsible
 adults and find a solution to our disagreement. We were so mad
at each other we didnt talk to each other for two days.

Another example of this pattern of destructive communication

happened over Christmas in 2015. My sister had just gotten
back from her mission in Australia and was having a hard time
readjusting to normal life. She had been following a strict set of
rules for eighteen months and wanted to still follow the strict
regiment she had on the mission. She was very critical of how
my family and I acted because we didnt follow the mission
rules. I had a really hard time with her because I just wanted my
sister that left on the mission back not the one that returned
with all her rules. On Christmas Eve my sister and I usually stay
up late and wait for Santa to come and talk about all the good
Christmases we have had. So when Natali said she was going to
bed at 10:30 (one of her mission rules) I was really upset. I told
her she was being selfish and that she needed to forget about
her mission because she was home now. She was really hurt by
this and tried to tell me her mission was a part of her now. Of
course I didnt listen to her or consider how she was feeling. I
just continued to point out all of the rude things she had done
since she had been home. Because I couldnt she her point of
view or put myself in her shoes we had an uncomfortable
Christmas because we were mad at each other the rest of the
break.

In both of these situations I forgot how important listening was to help

solving arguments. I had a negative outcome in my first situation
because I couldnt see outside of myself (narcissist) and listen to my
sister. In the second situation I couldnt social decenter and empathize
with my sister to see where she was coming from. I could see and hear
what I saw as problematic. In both of these situations my relationship
with my sister deteriorated when better listening skills could have
helped me understand Natali.

Strategies

When I chose to change this communication habit, I planned to apply

the following strategies into my conversations with my sister. I hoped
with these five strategies I could remember the importance of good
listening skills. I wanted to experience conversations with my sister
that didnt end up in arguments.

The first strategy I felt I needed was to realize what kind of listener I
am so I could be aware of some of my habits that I could alter to better
communicate with Natali. I am a Critical and Task-oriented listener. This
means I listen for errors, inconsistencies, prefer brief messages, and
am focused on accomplishing something (Beebe, 2008, pg. 125).
Knowing this helped me know I needed to not listen while looking for
error and also try not to push the conversation to go faster than my
sister is comfortable with.

Second I want to focus on not being a conversational narcissist (Beebe,

2008, pg. 127). I tend to focus on my own thoughts, ideas, and
experiences when I am talking to my sister. So my goal is to be aware
of how much of the conversation is about me. If I see the conversation
headed in a self-absorbed direction I will shift the attention back to my
sister (Beebe, 2008, pg. 130).
I find myself looking away from my sister when I disagree with her. So
for my third strategy I focused on conveying a better meta-message
(the message about the message) (Beebe, 2008, pg. 132). I will work
on keeping eye contact with my sister and having body language that
says I am engaged in the conversation. I will work on holding eye
contact with her even when I disagree with something she says.

Because Natali and I have different values and beliefs I have a hard
time empathizing with her. For my fourth strategy I decided to work on
social decentering. I will do this by considering what I know about her
and how she reacts, thinking about how I would react, and considering
how most people would react (Beebe, 2008, pg. 136).

For my final strategy I decided to remember to separate facts from

inference (Beebe, 2008,pg. 140-141). My sister tends to make
inferences making them seem like hard facts. If I am aware of this I can
be more sensitive to the differences between facts and fiction and
make a conscious effort not to fight over the fiction.

Constraints

I ran into a couple of constraints as I attempted to change this

communication behavior. A lot of the time when I hang out with my
sister I am with my friends or family. This didnt always give me a good
environment to work on my strategies because I wasnt able to just
focus on my sister. I had to readjust sometimes to factor in those I was
with. Sometimes it was difficult to stay focused because most of my
family shares the same views I do and I found myself ganging up on
my sister with them rather then trying to listen to her and find a way to
have a good conversation with Natali. I found the first few times I had a
really hard time implementing my strategies with my family around but
I grew to be better as time went on.
Human nature was definitely my biggest constraint. Even though I
knew what I wanted to work on before every meeting with my sister I
still found myself falling back into my bad habits. I fell into the excuse
that it is normal for sisters to fight and that it is just a part of life. I had
to fight against some of my natural instincts when it came to working
on this communication skill. I had to control my emotions when my
sister made rude comments to try and get a reaction out of me. I had
to fight against my human nature.

Implementation

When I first started to attempt this communication change I went into

conversations with a goal (strategy) in my head and didnt really do
much else to prepare. This was very ineffective in the first week. For
example:

I had lunch with my sister the first weekend I started to apply my

strategies and went into the lunch with the goal of working on
conveying a better meta-message. This strategy was in the back of my
head but like I said I didnt really do anything to help me prepare to
convey a better meta-message. The beginning of the lunch was fine as
Natali and I caught up with each others lives. Later on Natali made a
comment that I HATED and just like all of the other times I have
conversations with her I diverted my eyes and stiffened up. This had a
huge impact on the rest of our lunch. She could tell I was mad and I
couldnt continue listening to her because I was angry. When I got back
into my car I realized the goal I had for the day was anything but
accomplished.

After this lunch I decided to do a little more preparation before trying

to implement my goal with my sister. I started writing down in my
journal what I was going to work on that week and started practicing
on my roommates to help get me ready for my sister. This worked A
LOT better. For example:

On a Saturday in the beginning of April I had a little dinner party at my

house with some of my friends and my sister. My goal for the week was
being aware of my critical and task-orientated listening (Beebe, 2008,
pg. 125). During dinner my sister was telling a story. She was going
into really deep detail. I started to open my mouth to help the story
move along faster but I stopped myself and let my sister tell the story
her way. To me it took forever but because I was aware of what kind of
a listener I am I was able to let my sister enjoy telling her story and not
interrupt her and cause problems. Being aware of what kind of a
listener helped me avoid a fight with Natali.

Another example of using a strategy successfully happened on a

Tuesday in March:

My sister texted me on this particular day and asked me if I would

participate in a survey she was doing for a school project. She told me
up front that she would be asking me about my political beliefs. I had a
hard time deciding on whether or not I would participate in the survey.
Natali and I do not share the same political beliefs and I felt that if I
participated in the interview I would be risking putting our relationship
in a bad place. I had to use some social decentering (Beebe, 2008, pg.
136) in this situation. I knew that if I didnt participate my sister would
be really upset with me but I also knew it would be bad for our
personal relationship if I participated. I thought about what my sister
would do and how I would want someone to handle to situation if I
were in my sisters shoes. I came to the conclusion that I should not
participate but that I should find someone to replace me so my sister
could still get an interview in. I talked to my roommate and she agreed
to take the survey for my sister. I told Natali that I couldnt participate
in her project because I cared about our personal relationship too
much. I let her know my roommate was going to replace me. Natali
was very grateful that I found a replacement and touched that I cared
enough to turn her down. I thought this was a very successful use of
social decentering. It helped my sister and I gain more respect for each
other and each others beliefs.
As I continued to implement my strategies I had my ups and downs. I
became really successful in some areas while other areas still need
practice. I found that practicing these strategies on my roommates
helped me improve my relationships with them as well.

Results

As I implemented the strategies outlined above I saw many

improvements in my listening skills. I was able to make strides toward
reaching my goal of listening and absorbing my sisters thoughts,
rather than listening to respond. Two of my strategies I found I was
really able to improve on were social decentering and conveying a
better meta-message. Being able to do these two things while
conversing with my sister mad a huge difference. I found that if I
maintained better body language (eye contact etc.) I was able to get
over some of the hurtful things Natali said to me and not let it effect
our conversations. Social decentering played a major part in my
improved conversations with Natali. This strategy helped me stop and
evaluate before I responded. I was forced to consider my sisters
feelings and how she would want someone to respond. I practiced this
on my roommates and found it really helped improve my relationships
with them as well. Going through this process helped me see how
valuable my listening skills are in my conversations with others. I cant
say I have 100 percent reached my goal. There are still some bad
habits that need more work but I can say I took a step in the right
direction. My relationship with my sister is better than it has been in
years and I know that has a lot to do with understanding how I
communicate and how I listen.

Recommendations

I still have work to do to reach my goal fully. I plan to continue

implementing these five strategies. Im going to really focus on not
being a conversational narcissist and separating facts from inference. I
struggled with these two the most over the course of the project. I
know if I can break my bad habits in these two areas I will be able to
have a great relationship with my sister and be a better
conversationalist in general.

One additional strategy I plan to work on is being an on-task listener.

This means I will be making a conscious effort to give my full attention
to the people I talk to (Beebe, 2008, pg. 131). I find myself drifting
away in my mind too often when I am having conversations with those
around me. I know that if I can really focus and be an on-task listener it
will help me master my other two strategies. With the implementation
of this new strategy and continuing with my other strategies I will be
able to 100 percent accomplish my goal and change my unwanted
habits.

Works Cited

Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2014). Interpersonal Communication:

Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson Education / Allyn & Bacon.