In my last paper I wrote about the initiative vs. guilt stage.

During this stage I was

4-5 years old. This crisis was one of many bad memories I have from my childhood.

From writing the developmental theory paper I have learned why I am unwilling to

forgive. I have always been known for holding grudges against people. One of the

negative outcomes of this stage is ruthlessness. When I Googled ruthlessness the

following terms are; 1) unwilling to be kind or forgiving, and 2) feelings of extreme

heartlessness. Friends from my past would describe me as unwillingly to forgive. If I feel

I have been betrayed in anyway, chances are I will put an end to a friendship. Family on

the other hand, define me as cold hearted. It is hard for me to show any emotion or

affection. All these flaws I carry are negative outcomes of the initiative vs. guilt stage that

I experienced at age four. A second negative outcome of this stage is inhibition. Inhibition

means to be self-conscious, or have guilt of being on ones own. I mentioned in my

developmental theory paper that I am very indecisive. I will often look for some type of

approval before making a decision of my own.

Growing up was tough. I always envied the children who were dropped off and

picked up from school by their parents. Back to school nights were always attended by

my aunt, due to my grandparents language and unable to communicate in English. I had

always wished that my mom could be a part of my life, and for her to see what I was

learning at school.

My first event took place at my 8th grade graduation. My grandparents and aunt

were there to see me receive my Jr. High School diploma. Throughout the ceremony I

kept looking into the crowd of families, waiting for my mom to arrive. When the

ceremony was over, my family and I were walking out of the school and that was when I
saw my mom walking into the school. She was stumbling up the entrance with her eyes

half shut trying to apologize for being late. In that moment I knew she wasnt in her right

state of mind. For the first time, I expressed to my mother how I felt. Im not sure if it

was due to anger, humiliation, or those pre teen years. I pulled myself away from her and

said your embarrassing me, leave me alone! and walked away without looking back.

From this day forward I realized who the important people in my life were. Even though

my grandma was not my mother, I appreciated her and my aunt for always supporting me

and never leaving my side. According to Erikson, this is the industry vs. inferiority stage.

Overcoming this stage helped me go into high school with confidence and willing to put

myself out there because I knew no matter what I had my grandma and aunt to support

me through it all.

The next three events in my life took place during the intimacy vs. isolation stage.

The first event took place when I was 20 years old. I found out I was going to become a

mother. Of course it was not planned, but nonetheless I was ready for this journey. I had

always felt like something was missing from my life and I could not wait to have this

child, who would love me unconditionally and to be the mother I always wished I had

myself. I had no idea what I was about to face but all I knew was that I would do

anything for this child of mine. I believe that this baby was godsend from above to help

save my life. During this stage in my life I was in a dark place suffering from depression.

I was put on anti-depressants, I was assigned a psychiatrist to meet with me on a weekly

basis, and to top it off, I tried escaping reality by consuming alcohol and different types

of illegal drugs. If I hadnt become a mother at the time I did, I dont think I would be

alive today. The very second I found out I was pregnant, I came off my prescription pills
and I quit every drug cold turkey. Surprisingly, I realized I was happy and didnt need to

be on anything to get away from the real world because I was excited about having my

own child. Although, I didnt have a job at the time, I knew I had to do something with

my life in order to provide for this baby. I refused to be like my mother and I was not

going to let her down. I refused to put my own needs before the needs of my child. This

is when I decided to enroll at a community college full-time and major in Child

Development. My grandma was ashamed that I had become pregnant, and tried to hide it

from the rest of the family but she never turned her back on me. I was 6 months pregnant

when my grandpa finally found out. He caught me off guard walking by the restroom one

evening when I was getting ready to go out. I was wearing a tank top at the time and he

seen my belly. He was very upset and told me I was going to end up like my mother, and

he refused to raise this child because he was still trying to raise me. Needless to say, he

kicked me out of the house. Since he was the man of the house, my grandma had no say.

When my grandpa would go to bed at night my grandma would sneak me back into the

house, and reassure me that he just needed time to process the situation. After I gave birth

to my daughter in 2004, my grandma was my main supporter and partner who helped me

raise her. I was a single mother focusing on getting an education so my daughter and I

could have a wealthy life. I also wanted to prove to my grandpa that he was wrong. I was

nothing like my mother. This was the period in my life when I learned who my true

friends were. I learned who was valuable to me. I lost a lot of friendships during this

time, but none of that mattered to me. Without the help of my grandma, I would have

never finished school. She helped watch my daughter during her first three years of life. I
went to work in the morning and attended school at night. After a few years passed, is

when the next event happened.

I was 25 years old. I woke up in the morning to get ready for my morning class. It

was an ordinary day. My aunt was cooking breakfast at 8:00 am. My grandpa was sitting

at the dining room table drinking his coffee, and my grandma was sitting on the living

room couch. I walked into the living room to tell my grandma good morning, and she had

a funny look on her face. I asked if everything was ok, and she mentioned she did not feel

well. She stood up to walk outside, to catch some fresh air. As we walked, she suddenly

fell against a chair outside and her eyes began to roll back. I started to yell for my aunt,

who then came out running from inside the house. Together we laid her on the ground

and I started CPR, while my aunt called 911. My grandmas lips were purple and foam

was coming out of her mouth. I was so afraid of losing her that I did not hesitate to do

mouth to mouth resuscitation, even though I had been trained to never do so without a

protective barrier. I still could hear the snap of her ribs when I did the first cycle of chest

compressions. In that second I recalled back to my CPR training and remembered the

words the trainer said to the class, A broken rib is better than losing a life. As I was

counting my cycles I was praying to god that I could help my grandma make it through

this tragic event. When the ambulance arrived we sat back and watched them shock her

with an AED machine. She was then rushed to the hospital. I immediately got in my car

and went to the hospital. She was placed on life support. We spent the entire day at the

hospital and family members whom I have not seen in years started to show up one at a

time. I knew in that moment, this couldnt be good. Everyone was present, except my

uncle who was driving from Arizona. It was dark when he finally arrived at the hospital
and he along with my other aunts and uncles mutually agreed to take my grandma off life

support and leave it in Gods hands. The priest came into her room, where the family

gathered and prayed by my grandmothers side. After we prayed, we waited around for an

hour and they officially announced her death. This was the hardest thing I experienced in

my life. I didnt only lose my grandma, but the person who I considered my mother. I was

dealing with a loss. I was suffering from a broken heart, and was having a hard time

coping. I isolated myself, pushing family and friends away. I was in the middle of finals

week, and two weeks away from graduation. I could not pull myself together, I felt

myself slipping into a familiar dark hole. I did not want to go to school, and I did not

want to participate in graduation. Prior to this, I couldnt wait to graduate from college

because I knew how proud my grandma was that I was going to receive a degree I had

worked so hard for. None of that mattered anymore because she was gone. My aunt

pushed me through finals. She made me get out of bed every morning and encouraged me

to graduate. She made me realize that just because my grandma wouldnt be present at

the graduation didnt mean she wasnt watching me from up above. She reminded me that

she will always be with me in my heart and she knew my grandma would be proud that I

finished school. This brings me to my last event.

I graduated from Rio Hondo College in 2008, two weeks after my grandmas

death. It was the hardest accomplishment I succeeded in life. I received my Associates

Degree in Child Development along with my teachers permit. I am the first in my family

to attend college, and the first to receive a degree. I know my grandparents were afraid

that I would follow my moms foot steps and end up without anything going for myself,
but instead I did the exact opposite. I know I made my grandparents proud, most

importantly I made myself proud for my accomplishments.

This paper was about analyzing my life. To take the most impactful events of my

life and analyze them to help me learn why I am the person I have become today. Writing

the developmental theory paper was easy. This paper on the other hand was a challenge. I

shared events of my life I dont normally go into detail about. Writing this paper made me

emotional, and I had to take breaks between writing sessions to deal with my emotions. I

never told or showed my grandma how much I appreciated her. I never understood why

she was so strict, but looking back, I know she just wanted the best for me. Growing up I

gave my grandma a hard time because I felt she was holding me back from my social life.

I thought she was just paranoid seeing me go down the same road as her youngest

daughter, who was my mother. This is a guilt I carry within me. Writing this paper really

helped me express some painful memories that I hold and keep to myself. On the other

hand, my grandma really taught me how to love my own child. She taught me that

affection and attention are the two greatest gifts you can give to a child. I wouldnt have

been able to financially support my daughter without the help of my grandma. She gave

me the opportunity to save money for our future while she paid the bills for the house,

and put food on the table for us to eat every day, and because she allowed me to save my

children and I now live a wealthy lifestyle.