C hapter 3

You Are Not a Smaller,

Less-Hairy Man

M arriage counselors tend to treat husbands and wives as if

they want the same things and bring the same gifts to the
relationship. Instead of celebrating the differences between the
two genders and addressing them individually, in marriage
counseling theres often no difference between men and women.
Intimacy skills help you honor the unique gifts that you as
a woman bring to the world and to your marriage. Start by
focusing on your own pleasure at least three times every day.
Tap directly into your feminine gifts in this way and you will rock
your relationshipand the world.

I spent my young adult years postponing many of the small

things that I knew would make me happy. I was fortunate
enough to realize that I would never have the time unless I
made the time. And then the rest of my life began.
Dr. Chris Peterson, Author, Professor, and
Cofounder of Positive Psychology

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24 First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors

Your Birthright as a Woman

My whole life, I was taught that men and women are the same. Sure,
there are some obvious physical differences, but I believed those were
superficial. I pretended that biology didnt affect my mind and spirit.
I also denied that I had any special gifts as a womanas if the world
and I would be just fine without acknowledging those gifts.
To me, it was vital that men and women be the same, because I
thought that was how it had to be for us to have equal opportunity in
the world. I was also angry when anyone said I was different than a
man. How dare they!
Thats pretty embarrassing to think about, because I couldnt have
been more wrong. That sort of thinking seems so old-fashioned to me
now! Ive relegated it to the Gee, it seemed like a good idea at the time
column, along with preparing for a nuclear attack by hiding under a desk.
Fortunately, the idea that men and women are the same is not the
prevailing wisdom anymore. There are books on how to market to
women (because their buying habits are different from mens and they
do most of the spending), how women manage employees differently
than men, how having womens input affects investment portfolios
(better returns than portfolios with only mens input), and how female
brains are hardwired differently than male brains.
It turns out that sameness isnt important in the workplace anyway.
Women have demonstrated that were capable and professional, but we
bring different strengths and a different culture with us to work. Of
course we dowere not smaller, less-hairy men; were an entirely dif-
ferent gender. And admitting that doesnt mean we lose; my experience
has been just the opposite. Tuning in to and exercising my feminine
gifts has been exciting and gratifying and has provided a sense of ease
and relief that I was missing before I discovered the skills and applied
them in my relationship and at work.

The Gifts of the Feminine

Were all a unique mix of feminine and masculine characteristics to
varying degrees, of course. But there are some big advantages to being
a woman that have been downplayed over the past fifty years. Here are

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some things that I sort of knew but didnt fully understand or embrace
about my power as a woman:

1.Magnetism
We are the sexier sex, which means we get to enjoy the power of
feeling desired and pursued.

2. Emotional Brilliance
Were better at identifying and expressing our emotions, which is
vital for creating long-term commitment.

3.Receptivity
We deserve special treatment, and men like to give it to usif we
let them.

4.Pleasure
We have the only organ on the human body created expressly for
pleasure. Which tells me that female pleasure is pretty importantand
I dont mean just sexual pleasure, although thats important too.

5.Desire
Because men want us to be happy and our pleasure is very impor-
tant, our desires are a powerful force in the world and often serve as
the North Star by which a couple navigates.

The Power of a Womans Pleasure

Im always encouraging every woman to tend to her own pleasure,
which means focusing time and effort on activities (or non-activities, in
some cases) that make you feel good. Im not talking about things you
feel you should do, but things you are drawn to just for the fun of it. Only
you know what that means for you, so your self-care list will be unique.
I know that yoga is good for me. It helps with flexibility and strength,
and people who practice it have beautiful bodies. But I dont like doing
yoga. I find it tedious and boring, and no one keeps score, so wheres the
fun in that? I might decide to do yoga (rarely), but it wouldnt count as

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tending to my pleasure. Sure, doing it means caring for my body, but Im

not drawn to that activity the way a child is drawn to a swing or a ball.
This is the difference: Doing something pleasurable means it feels
good in the moment youre doing it, not afterward. Some activities
may be both. For me, volleyball on the beach is both super fun while
Im doing it and makes me feel healthy and strong after Ive stopped
sweating and breathing heavily. I happen to get health advantages from
that particular pleasure, but many things on my list have no such fringe
benefits and are only beneficial because they make me happy in the
moment. Talking to my sisters on the phone, for instance, or singing
in harmony, getting a facial, listening to my favorite radio show, lazing
on the couch and watching a movie, or having coffee with a girlfriend.
None of those things improve my aerobic capacity, help prevent diabe-
tes, reduce greenhouse emissions, or declutter my house. They simply
give me pleasure, which puts me in a good mood. Thats reason enough
for me to make sure that I spend time doing those thingsthree of
them, at leastevery day.
In my early days as a relationship coach, I used to say that an activity
counted as self-care as long as it made you feel good afterward, but Ive
changed my position on thatnow it has to feel good in the moment.
The reason for my reversal was my client Marni.
When I suggested to Marni that she make a list of things that bring
her pleasure and plan to do at least three a day, she agreed to try it. But
when I checked in with her the following week and asked her what she
had done for self-care that day, she said, I folded a basket of laundry,
which made me feel good because it was bugging me.
Theres no way folding laundry should qualify as self-care.
Yes, checking things off your to-do list makes you feel good and
accomplished, but lets face it: the laundry was going to get done eventu-
ally anyway. It was a stretch to say that it brought her pleasure or delight.
In reality, Marni didnt think it did either, but it was taking a lot
of focus for her to switch from always taking care of everyone else to
really focusing on her own pleasure. She felt she didnt really have the
time, given all her other responsibilities, to get out the art supplies and
paint, or have lunch with a girlfriend instead of at her desk. So when
I asked her about it, she punted and said she folded laundry. Nice try,
Marni. But no dice.

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Housework is not and never will be self-care. Not like singing and
dancing, or going to a party, or getting a massage, or sneaking off to
read, or having a piece of chocolate and coffeewhatever it is that gives
you that happy lift.

Self-Care Expands Your Time

After a few weeks, Marni was doing a lot better at finding time to do
pleasurable things, and a funny thing happened. She told me her time
had expanded.
What do you mean expanded? I asked her.
I mean that I have enough time to get everything done and enough
time for self-care too, she said, which seemed impossible to me before
when every second was taken up. The only explanation is that my time
has somehow expanded.
Marni isnt the only one who has had that experience. Many of my
clients report the same phenomena, and Ive noticed it myself too. It may
sound a little nutty, but isnt it true that when you start work relaxed and
happy, you get more done? Whereas when youre frazzled and stressed,
you get next to nothing done because youre so depleted already.
Have you ever had the experience of being so slammed that you feel
hopeless before you even start? Me too. But a fresh pedicure, or a quick
walk around the block, or even laughing at a cat video for a minute
can go a long way toward restoring my can-do point of view. When
my energy and attitude are positive, I get more done. Or, as Marni put
it, my time expands.
Therefore, to have more time, be able to do what you enjoy, and be
a responsible person who gets her work done, start by taking a bubble
bath. Unless you dont find that enjoyable, in which case you can go
mountain-biking, or gab with your mom on the phone, or knit a scarf.
Or do yoga if you like it. I understand some people do.

Plan Pleasure First

Does that seem impractical or unrealistic to you? Thats what I thought
too. Im actually a big fan of practical, and it turns out that pleasure

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planning is a very practical thing for a woman to do. The indispensable

first step to having a great relationship is to make yourself happy by
practicing self-care.
This may sound pretty obvious when I say it that way, but it wasnt
obvious to me when I was newly married to John. I thought it was his
job to make me happy. Dont ask me where I got that idea, but I was
convinced of it. So instead of thinking, Im not very happy, what should
I do about it? I thought, Im not happy and its because hes not mak-
ing me happy. I imagined that I would be happy if he would just do
what I wanted him toor if I had gotten married to somebody else.
It turns out my happiness doesnt depend on my husband, and I
wouldnt have been any happier with the next guy. Heres what Ive
learned: If I make myself happy, if Im smiling and relaxed and enjoy-
ing myself, John responds to me by looking for ways to make me even
happier.
I also see this with my clients every day. Marilyns experience is
one of the more entertaining examples. She began practicing the Six
Intimacy Skills, starting with self-care, in order to save her marriage.
Shortly thereafter, she received flowers at work from her husband, who
hadnt sent her flowers in years. They came with a card that said: wife
points bonus allocation.
He also sent her the following text:

Congratulations on your reward from your wife points bonus

scheme. Wed like to update you on why we feel you deserve this
reward:

Lovely wife-like behavior

No bipolar mood swings
Distinct lack of shoutyness
General kind, friendly attitude toward husband.

Well done once again and thank you for your dedication to the
loyalty scheme.

Marilyn emailed me a screenshot of the text and added: P.S.: You

saved my marriage. Thank you!

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Thats just one example of the many I hear from women who put
their own pleasure first. Its hard to argue with the results, and why
would you want to?
I practice self-care pretty religiously. Sometimes I disappear in the
afternoon for a catnap. Nobody looks for me Saturday morning because
everybody knows Ill be playing volleyball on the beach with a smear
of sand on my cheek and a gleam in my eye.
I put substantial time and energy into self-care, which used to
make me feel guilty and uncomfortable. I notice many of my clients
face the same challenge. One woman asked me to clarify whether
its still self-care if she dropped off a letter at the post office while
she was on her walk, even though it was the endorphins and the
change of scenery she was after. Another asked if playing games on
her phone still counts as self-care even though she only spent ten
minutes doing it.
Theres just one measure of whether youre getting enough self-care:
your state of mind. If youre grumpy, you havent had enough. If youre
feeling good, youre doing a great job. Only you know whats right for
you, but whenever youre finding fault with your husband, consider
checking to see if youve gotten some self-care in. Nothing is going to
look rightincluding your marriageuntil you do.
One more benefit to self-carein addition to giving you the reserves
you need to have a good relationship, signaling to your husband that
youre pleaseable, and spending more time doing things you loveis
that it teaches other people how to treat you. A woman who takes good
care of herself sends out a signal that she enjoys being treated well. Thats
bound to give you more self-confidence as people begin to see you as a
woman who is well taken care of.

Why We Man Up at Work

When I talk about feminine gifts, I want to be clear that Im not talking
about manipulation or taking advantage of anyone. Those are not quali-
ties that anyone wants in a partner. Im talking about simply relaxing
into your femininity so that you naturally receive the pleasant things
your man wants to give you.

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In our efforts to be successful at work, we sometimes forget what

its like to be feminine, because part of success at work involves show-
ing that you need no special treatment. At work, you want to show that
you can pull your own weight.
I think of this managerial aspect of myself as my masculine side,
and Im grateful to have it, because it serves me well in business. But
for a long time, I was so well-versed in and reliant on my masculine
side that it obscured my feminine gifts, which are very powerful too.
I found it difficult to switch out of that familiar work mode even
once I did know about the gifts of the feminine. But I couldnt get all
that I wanted in my relationship until I did, so I made a concerted effort.
Today Im more feminine both during and after work. In fact, all of the
Six Intimacy Skills have contributed to making me more effective and
successful professionally, as has the inner strength I get from having
a great marriage.
But my goals at work are very different from my goals in my mar-
riage. At work, I want to satisfy my clients, produce results, and improve
the bottom line. With my husband, I want to snuggle, laugh, and share
my hopes and dreams. I want his face to light up when I walk into the
room, and I want to feel desired. Those are completely different goals,
and they require a completely different skill-set to attain.
If youre in a job where youre mostly wearing a suit of armor for
forty hours a week and you find you have difficulty taking it off to
become your softer self when the workdays done, youre not alone.
Welcome to the modern womans challenge! But you dont have to be
stuck in that suit of armor. There are some practical ways to peel it off
and feel your own lightness and tenderness beneath.
Self-care is a great place to start. Right after work, consider a transi-
tion time that includes a few minutes of solitude, for instance. Maybe
you sit in the car for a while and write in your journal, read, or just
zone out and listen to the radio.
The point is to remind yourself of who you are and all that you want
and deserve in your relationship. Showing up as the Goddess of Fun and
Light that you are will also remind your husband how good it feels to
be the man who gets to desire, cherish, and adore the woman he loves.

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 C hapter 4

The More You

Know What You
Want, the Better

M arriage counseling typically focuses on the other person:

what hes not doing or what he does that you dont
like. It may include conversations focused on what he is
thinking or what he wants, instead of learning to look inward
for answers. This distracts you into fixating on what your
husband is doing rather than working to change the only
person you can: yourself.
Intimacy skills focus strictly on you. They empower you
to transform your relationship by focusing on what you want
and expressing it without complaining or blaming. Your desires
become a map for where the relationship is going. Once you know
what you want and are not afraid to say itwatch out! Feminine
desire is a powerful force in the world.

Its a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you

happy.
Lucille Ball, Actress, Comedian, and Film Studio Executive

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