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SEPTE MBER 18, 2015

Six Traits to Look for in aSpouse

Article by Ben Reaoch

Guest Contributor

My wife returned home from the salon and told me about the single lady who had cut her hair. This young
woman shared some of her frustrations with dating sites that are only about how people look. Swipe this way
if you think the person is cute; swipe the other way if you dont.

She lamented that once you connect with someone, they usually just want a short-term physical relationship
nothing long-term or committed.

I grieve for those who nd themselves grasping for relational intimacy through means like this. If youre
single and desiring to be married, you will nd that taking the Bible seriously will prove to be the best dating
guide in the long run, rather than the supercial criteria the world urges us to focus on.

In particular, Proverbs 31 offers some clarity about what trajectories of life to look for in a spouse. The
description here looks back across many faithful seasons in the life of a virtuous woman, but we can also

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think of many of these characteristics in terms of what a woman should be looking for in the life-direction of
a man.

1. Does this person follow through on his word?

Verse 11: The heart of her husband trusts in her. He is never worried about her faithfulness to him. He
never has to wonder if she is using their money in dishonest or foolish ways.

As you are getting to know someone who would be a potential spouse, consider if the person is honest and
trustworthy. Does he have a track record of following through on his word?

2. Does this person make you stronger?

Verse 12: She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. Verse 23: Her husband is known in the
gates when he sits among the elders of the land. It seems odd that right in the middle of this passage about
the woman who fears the Lord, theres a verse about the husband. But it makes a point about the womans
commitment to her husband. Her work at home and service to her husband benets his reputation and
success. He is a better man because he is married to her.

Look for a person to marry who is going to encourage you and work alongside you in a complementary
manner. A married couple should be stronger together than they would be apart.

3. Is this person hard-working?

Verses 1316:

She seeks wool and ax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings
her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her . . . maidens. She considers a
eld and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

Look for someone who is disciplined and diligent, who has goals and works toward them, who starts projects
and nishes them.

4. Is this person generous and hospitable?

Verse 20: She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

This woman looks to the needs of her family, but she also looks to other needs around her. She is generous
and hospitable and helpful.

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5. Is this person wise and eager to help others?

Verse 26: She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks for
ways to help others both in practical, tangible ways, and also in emotional and spiritual ways. She is a
sage, and others will seek out her wise counsel and benet from it.

You want to marry a person like that someone who is not consumed with his own selsh activities and
entertainments, but delights to help others and has the wisdom to be truly helpful.

6. Does this person truly trust Jesus?

She is not overcome by worry, because she is trusting in her Lord. Verse 25: She laughs at the time to
come. This woman fears God, and out of such healthy fear ows wisdom and kindness and hard work. The
virtuous, godly woman will trust in God and in his providential plans for her. Therefore, she wont be
consumed with fretting over the details of the future.

This question gets at the core characteristic to look for in a spouse: Does this person fear the Lord? Is this person
a believer? Dont compromise on this point. Dont become unequally yoked with someone who doesnt
share your most fundamental identity in life (2 Corinthians 6:14). Christ must be the foundation of the
relationship, with both of you looking to him, trusting in him, and laughing together at the days to come.

Dont Settle
Dream and pray and seek counsel about the characteristics you should be looking for in a potential spouse,
and then resolve not to settle for less. Dont let your dating search be driven by appearances. Like a gold
ring in a pigs snout is a beautiful woman without discretion (Proverbs 11:22).

The worlds way of dating is a path of folly and pain. Search for a person with biblical discretion, a
characteristic that is rare and rewarding. As you rest in Gods plan, in his timing, pray for a spouse who is
trustworthy, helpful, hard-working, compassionate, wise, and trusts Jesus.

And one more thing: Dont go at this alone. Dont presume that you, on your own, have a sufcient amount
of discernment to evaluate a potential spouse. If youre in a dating relationship, introduce this person to as
many friends of yours as possible, especially your church family. Ask for what they honestly think, and see
what yellow ags they raise. That is what humility looks like in a dating relationship inviting the counsel
of others and not believing the lie that you know better than everyone else.

Let the wisdom of Scripture guide your dating decisions, not superciality.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

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