Inspiration and words of wisdom for the whiners among

us
1. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

WORDS OF WISDOM

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead, do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow, do not walk beside me either, just leave me the hell
alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning

to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities

without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

Who gossips to you will gossip of you.

When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative
one.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people are crazy. Check 3 friends, if

they are OK, you're it.

Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
11. We waste time, so you don't have to.
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
13. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
14. Succeed in spite of management.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A prayer for the stressed.....

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of
those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be
connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40%

on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays and help me to remember.....

When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to
piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my
middle finger and tell them to bite me.

=======
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Fun Witty Insults

1.

Don't get lost in thought; you'll be a total stranger there.

2.

You're good looking in a way, away off.

3.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

4.

When you were born something terrible happened, you lived.

5.

You look like a professional blind date.

6.

Don't you ever get tired of having you around?

7.

I don't know what makes you tick, but I hope it's a time bomb.
8.

Someday you'll find yourself, and will you be disappointed.

9.
 I know you have to be somebody, but why do you have to be you?
10.

If you said what you thought, you'd be speechless.

11.

You think you're a wit, and you're probably half right.

12.

Why don't you go blow your brains out, you've got nothing to lose.
13.

I like you, I have no taste, but I like you.

14.

I'd like to say I'm glad you’re here; I'd like to say it.
15.

If there's ever a price on your head, take it.

16.

You were born at home, but when your mother saw you she went to the hospital.
17.

Someday you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.

18.

If you stop telling lies about me, I'll stop telling the truth about you.
19.

I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company.

20.

I'm not going to get into a battle of wits with you; I never attack anyone who's unarmed.
21.

Is your family happy, or do you go home at night?

22.

You're someone who would make a perfect stranger.

23.

Let's go some place were we can each be alone.

24.

My I have the pleasure of you absence?

25.

You have an open mind, and a mouth to match.

26.

Next time you give your clothes away, stay in them.

27.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go.
 28.

I like you better the more I see you less.

29.

You're something that someone would only meet in a nightmare.

30.

I wish your parents had never met.

31.

The sooner I never see you again, the better it'll be for both of us when we meet.
32.

You have such a big mouth; you could eat a banana sideways.
33.

There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don't want two of you
around.
34.

Was the ground cold when you crawled out this morning?
35.

Why don't you freeze your teeth and give your tongue a sleigh ride.
36.

You've got a great personality, but not for a human being.

37.

I enjoy talking to you, my mind needs a rest.

38.

If you ever need a friend, you'll have to get a dog.

39.

You're outspoken, but not by anyone I know.

40.

There's enough people in this world who hate you, without you working so hard to get another
one.
41.

Thank you; we're all challenged by your unique point of view.

42.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
43.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

44.

I will always cherish the initial misconception I had about you.

45.

How about never? Is never good for you?

 46.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

47.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
48.

I don't know what makes you so screwed up, but whatever it is, it works.
49.

You do serve at least one useful purpose in life, as a horrible example.

50.

You've got more talent in your little finger than you have in your big finger.
51.

I'm busy now; can I ignore you some other time?

52.

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?
53.

Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?

54.

It's too bad stupidity isn't painful.

55.

Don't say things like that; it just makes you sound stupid. In fact, don't talk at all. It just makes
you sound stupid.
56.

Thinking isn't your strong point, is it?

57.

I would probably find you more interesting had I studied psychology.

58.

You're not being sensitive, I really don't like you.

59.

You’re good, being gone.

60.

If I've said anything to offend you, I mean it.

61.

I would love to insult you, but you wouldn't understand.

62.

Is there no beginning to your good taste?

63.

One good thing about you, you’re easy to ignore.

64.
 Why do you get up in the morning?
65.

You're a person of rare intelligence; it's rare when you show any.
66.

Hey, I’m sorry, I’m not being rude; it’s just that you don’t matter.
67.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
68.

I wish we were better strangers.

69.

Why do you have to be that way, you seemed normal until I got to know you?
70.

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
71.

You are no longer beneath my contempt.

72.

Are you a moron, or are you possessed by a retarded ghost?

73.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good
either.
74.

So tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

75.

I notice that you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your conversation.
76.

Don't try so hard, I couldn't like you any less.

77.

You’re having delusions of competence.