Professional Documents
Culture Documents
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Today, you could... download.
Spend the next 24 hours without talking about your problems and see if this approach makes a
difference.
slapped was deeply hurt by the others behaviour, but refused to protest or retaliate. Instead, he
remained silent and traced the following words in the sand: "Today, my friend slapped me in the face."
Walking on further, they came to an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been
slapped got stuck in the mire and would have drowned, had it not been for his friend who ran to save
him. Having recovered from the experience, the survivor carved the following words on a stone:
"Today, my friend saved my life."
His rescuer asked him, "When I slapped you, you wrote in the sand. Now that I have saved you from
drowning, you carve your message on a stone. Can you tell me why?" His friend replied, "When
someone hurts us, we should record it in sand so that it gets blown away easily and is soon forgotten.
When, on the other hand, someone does us a favour, we should record it in stone, so it will never be
erased either from its surface or from our memory."
How do you personally respond to such situations? Do you let go of the hurt and hold on to the
memories of the favours people have done you? Do you give equal weight to the injustices done to you,
along with the favours? Or do you, perhaps tend to do the reverse of what the friend in the story did. If
you do, perhaps, you could change this way of reacting both now and in the future, it's your choice.
Right now you could even let go of something you have been holding on to and replace it with a
memory of a past kindnesses.
There are many resources available today to help explore such problems and resolve them. Sometimes,
however, mere awareness of the past association is enough to start the healing process.
January 13: Could you be holding on to suffering simply because it is comfortably familiar?
This question may well anger and upset you. If you have endured great suffering in your life, it can
seem callous and insensitive if someone suggests that you might be deliberately clinging to memories
of difficult experiences. I perfectly understand this might prompt many of you to answer my question
with an honest and resounding "NO!"
But do take a few minutes to ask yourself the following questions:
What would you lose if you were to let go of your suffering?
What would you have to face up to, if you let go of your suffering?
A man opens his lunch box every day and exclaims, "Not peanut butter and jam sandwiches again! I
just hate them!"
At the end of a week of complaining, a colleague asks him, "Why don't you ask your wife to make you
different sandwiches next week"?
"Oh, I'm not married," the man replies, "I make my own sandwiches."
Now, this is obviously more of a joke than a story, but then so is complaining about the circumstances
in your life that you have created yourself. Yet most of the situations we find ourselves in are either of
our own creation or because we are not prepared to pay the price required to release ourselves from
them.
I am convinced, however, that we can learn from everything that happens to us, no matter how
catastrophic the event. It doesn't mean it has to be part of a larger plan, just that even the bad times can
teach us something.
Look out for some unusual lessons you can learn from your past bad times and from your experiences
today.
2. Successful relationships as well as unsuccessful ones leave a trail of clues. It's worth looking back at
them to get a complete picture.
3. The relation between cause and effect is not always a simple one. If an action is immediately
followed by a change in the given situation, there is a tendency to conclude that the action itself
brought about the change. That may not necessarily be the case.
This way all the worlds experts can be at your command to guide and advise you. You can also choose
to remember this is just a technique designed to bring out the best in you.
A man not famous for his intelligence is asked by a friend to help check his car indicators to see if they
are working. The friend says, "I'll turn on the indicators and you look at them and tell me if they are
working or not."
He gets into the car, switches on the indicators and his friend calls out, "They're working they're not
working ... they're working ... they're not working," as the lights flash on and off.
The truth underlying this old joke is this: The question, "Is this working?", is probably the most
powerful one you can ever ask yourself. It's a much better question than "Do others approve of this?" or
"Is this what I have been taught?"
February 2: If the same problem keeps turning up, it's probably about you.
Here are some examples:
If you keep feeling misunderstood, there's a good chance that you don't understand yourself or are not
good at communicating with others.
If other people keep irritating you, it's most likely that you are easily irritated and might consider
changing the situation by asking yourself why you react the way you do.
If you keep getting involved in unhealthy relationships, it probably means that you keep making poor
choices about the people you spend time with.
If you think this just applies to other people, youre fooling yourself. It may well apply to others, but it
certainly applies to you.
Your comfort zone: This is where we feel most secure. It's fine to spend time in this zone, the trouble is
that some people never step out of it!
Your stretch zone: Here we push ourselves to excel at what we do and explore beyond the known and
the familiar. This is where we learn and, therefore, grow as human beings.
Your panic zone: This is where we know we have overdone it. It's not a place to visit very often or a
place to linger too long in.
Now, what's interesting is the way these zones interact with each other.
If you stay in the comfort zone, the stretch zone shrinks and the panic zone expands.
If you regularly spend time in the stretch zone, the comfort zone expands and the panic zone shrinks.
If you regularly spend time in the panic zone, it tends to expand at the expense of the other two.
For example, if you want to enhance your fitness level, you might find that a short run is a stretch. As
time goes on, however, your body adapts to the exercise and running a short distance becomes a
comfortable activity for you. As a result, you need longer runs to stretch yourself.
If, like most people, you find public speaking a trial that plunges you straight into a state of panic, you
can devote yourself to gently stretching yourself in that area through preparation and practice, so that
you get accustomed to the idea and the activity. Once you do so, your panic will at least reduce.
So, right now, what can you commit yourself to do that will stretch you?
February 10: What would the child I once was think of the adult I have become?
Take some time right now to review the opinions you had of yourself when you were a child. Perhaps,
you wondered about what sort of adult you might grow up to be. Perhaps, you even debated about the
sort of a parent you might turn out to be.
How does the reality compare?
You may be pleasantly surprised at how far you have come.
On the other hand, you may realize there are still some changes you need to make.
February 11: Is this important or is it just urgent?
It's very easy to confuse what is important with what is urgent. As a result, we end up spending more of
our time dealing with things that are urgent and rarely get to attend to the things that are important.
Sometimes, those close to us, important people in our lives, suffer because we are so taken up with
"urgent" trivia.
An alternative question we could ask ourselves is the following: What would happen if I didnt do this
thing I regard as urgent and concentrated, instead, on something I consider important? Could I live with
the consequences?
Amazingly, some people keep a mental list of the times they were let down by their friends or partners.
It is a list of every slight they ever suffered. The same people have a talent for choosing items from
their list to toss into situations when the moment is ripe for creating the maximum amount of damage.
Of course, these are "other people" and you have never done anything like that.
But just in case you are tempted down this path, do remember that it's your choice. You either let go of
the past or the future.
The state of being "in love" can and usually does settle down over the years, but love itself, if nurtured,
need never die.
What can kill love is a diet of negativity, particularly, negative comments.
Communication either builds or destroys. The choice is yours.
Perhaps, today could be the time to give extra care and support for the love that is in your life?
February 15: How can you ruin a relationship and grow old quickly?
Try to go for three days without entertaining a negative thought for more than five seconds. If one
comes along, either let it go or replace it with something positive. If you fail to do so, the time starts
again and you keep going until you have completed your three days.
The worst that can happen is that you become more keenly aware of your thought processes.
And the best could be a permanent change in your focus.
This was the request a visitor made to her taxi driver when she was being driven around a historic
town. The driver took a route past various colleges, the church, skirted the playing fields and ended up
back at the railway station. The passenger argued over the fare, because she had not seen "The
University". She had wanted one building she could visit so that she could say she had been there.
Unfortunately for her, that's not what a university is.
The same is true of a relationship. A genuine relationship can't be confined to a single location, a
specific feeling or a particular event. It is based on all these things and more. Above all, a relationship
is an experience and your attempts to define or contain it will merely hinder all that you would have
gained from it, so undermining its value.
Ask yourself: "What preconceived notions about my relationship do I need to let go of in order to allow
it to flourish in the weeks ahead?"
A man goes to "George", the famous tailor, to have a suit made. After selecting the fabric and being
measured for the suit, he returns for the fitting. He puts the suit on and discovers that one sleeve is
shorter than the other. So, George suggests he shorten his arm by raising his shoulder. This will make
the sleeve fit better. The change of posture, however, turns up the collar. So, the tailor advises him to
tilt his head to one side. This creates a problem with the other shoulder. So, his body has to be adjusted
to compensate for it and this goes on. When the man finally leaves the shop wearing the suit, he is
stopped by a passer-by who says, "I know only George could have made a suit that would so perfectly
fit a cripple like you."
How much of your life do you live in a way that distorts your real identity in order to fit the image life
has made for you and which the rest of the world thinks fits you perfectly?
Write down the three biggest changes you want to bring about in your life and the action you can take
today to help you move in that direction.
February 25: You don't find the light by studying the dark.
Counselling and therapy have their uses and have been of great benefit to many. If trying to resolve a
certain problem on your own or with the help of friends isn't getting you the desired results, these are
options you might want to give serious thought to. However, the purpose of such work must be geared
to resolve your issues as quickly as possible.
You should examine your past only to the extent that it helps you to release its grip on your present.
Repeated analysis of the difficult times you have lived through runs the risk of becoming a selfdefeating exercise. If you are committed to improving your situation, your main focus should be on
how you want things to be rather than on how they were before.
February 26: Others may travel along the same path but you are unique.
Reassure yourself with the thought that whatever you are facing is no different from what many others
have faced before you. Most of them have survived the experience and even matured through it. Their
experience and the manner in which they have come through it can be uplifting and inspirational for
you.
The situation has its flip side, however. The triumphs of others can also become the stick we beat
ourselves with as we ask ourselves repeatedly: They managed to do it. Why can't I?
This is the moment for you to remind yourself of your uniqueness as an individual. Just as your own
fingerprints cannot match those of others, the problems faced by others while similar to your own, are
never identical. So, dont be harsh on yourself because of your inability to handle problems in quite the
same way as others have before you. Rather, allow the way in which they have dealt with their issues to
become an inspiration for you.
Be as kind to yourself as you would be with others. Always remember: They are not you, you are not
them.
February 27: It's not the size of problem that's important, but the state of the person dealing with
it.
I'm sure you will agree that it would be silly to try and run a marathon without being in peak condition,
insane to start conducting an orchestra without learning to read music and stupid to dive into the deep
end of a pool without learning to swim. Yet, we think nothing of trying to deal with major problems in
our lives when we are least fit to do so and are surprised when things don't work out.
Devote time to yourself and your needs, even if its for a short while, before you spend time on your
problems. The better you feel physically and emotionally, the more resources you will have when you
attend to your problems. As a result, they will seem less acute and the solutions you find for them will
be more creative.
Here are three pointers:
1. Get enough sleep. Almost everything seems worse than it actually is when you are tired.
2. Check you are in a positive frame of mind. How you approach a problem determines how difficult it
will be to solve.
3. Enlist the support of others. Few things need to be faced alone and most people love to be of help.
People are often reluctant to ask others for help and use phrases like "I don't want to take up their time"
or "They already have enough to do without having to do this for me as well" to justify their stand. Yet,
the same people, if asked to help someone else, will say, "I'm so glad they asked me to do this for
them" or "Pleased I could be of assistance."
Why not treat yourself with as much consideration as you would treat others?
Why not ask for help today?
If its not a leap year, you could even look at the item for the 29th February today.
If you could conjure up the image of anyoneliving or dead, real or fictionalto help you, who would
that person be and what kind of help would he or she offer?
Pay careful attention to the new insights the memory of that person brings you, acknowledge them as
your own and follow the direction in which they lead.
Why not ask for and accept help today?
Today, you could use your past mistakes for new learning and deeper understanding.
This won't make those mistakes disappear, but it could make them useful.
Today, you could ignore all outside distractions and move towards the important goals in your life.
You could always deal with the detail tomorrow.
Today, you could expect the best of yourself and end up exceeding your expectations.
At worst, you will have taken a significant step forward.
investments, unless you are prepared to take unacceptable risks. It's not about sport either, as in 'He
gave 200 per cent effort. But there is a way of getting a 200 per cent return:
By turning a negative into a positive.
Think about an unpleasant experience in your life. Instead of brooding about how it has hurt or
damaged you ask yourself the following question: What have I gained from this experience? It wont
make the experience any different from what it was when it happened, but it may help you have a more
balanced perspective on it.
Our hard times help us to mature. There may not be a purpose to our negative experiences, but we can
help ourselves to move on by gaining positive insights from difficult situations.
1. When you let love to enter one area of your life, it spreads to other areas.
2. Make one change for the better and other things start to change as well.
3. Giving appropriate gifts to others and to ourselves can change lives.
March 8: To have what you want, you need to know what it is.
This seems like a very obvious statement. So, here are a few questions that might help you to
understand whether it applies to you or not.
1. Are your goals stated in a positive way? For instance, "I want to stop feeling so despondent" isn't
specific enough. "I want to go to bed tonight feeling my day has been worthwhile" is a lot better.
2. Can what you want be measured? For example, "I want to earn a specific" sum is better than "I want
to have more money".
3. Have you established a time frame for achieving what you want? For instance, "Someday, I want to
write a book" is not as good as "I will complete the first chapter a month from now".
4. Is what you want within your area of control? For example, "I want my partner to be more loving
than they are" you can't control, "I will be more loving", you can.
The clearer you are about what it is the more likely you will be to get what you want.
March 10: When you die, your "to do" list won't be complete.
Life is a process of development rather than a string of events to be completed. However far you go,
however hard you work and however much you achieve, you will never be free of "things that need to
be done". To imagine that its possible is about as sensible as thinking there is one perfect meal and that
if you prepare it, you need never eat again.
So, accept the fact that your "in" basket will never be empty for long and don't put your life on hold
until everything gets done. Start to enjoying both the process and the current moment.
Ask yourself: What could I decide, right now, that would make my experience of today a better one?
You also live in a world of amazing opportunities. There are several billion people in this world. And
there are certainly a few hundred thousand who would benefit from being with you, as you would gain
from being with them. The same principle applies to jobs, manuscripts, designs and so on. Anything
that is liable to be rejected also has alternative sources of acceptance.
So, the one-word answer to rejection is: Next!
March 14: Changing the "future past"
Most people look back with regret at something they have done or failed to do. Its a natural, if
unproductive human trait, because it makes no difference to what happened or did not happen.
However, you can change what I call your "future past", because while you can't alter what happened a
year ago, in twelve months time, today will have receded a year into the past and you can certainly
change what you choose to do today.
So, here's a challenge: How do you propose to live today so that this time, next year, you will be able to
look back with pride and pleasure at the outcome?
March 21: What holds you back from doing what you want to do?
Before you do anything else, take a piece of paper and write down three things that you have wanted to
do or even wanted to stop doing, but have yet to see this process through to the end. They are likely to
be important things in your life, but they don't necessarily have to be.
Next, write down the main reasons why you have not made more progress on each item.
Look for patterns: What do each of these reasons for the lack of progress have in common?
Now, examine these reasons to decide what changes you need to bring about in your life.
Oh, and one more suggestion, start taking action to make your goal come closertoday.
pain, emotional or physical, lingers, it would be an unwise approach. But for those not directly affected
by the trauma or in cases where its devastating impact has lessened over time, it can help to bring peace
and understanding to a fractious and divided world.
You might want to spend some time thinking this one over. It challenges the conventional ways of
looking at the world to such an extent that it could take a while for its implications to be clearly and
fully grasped.
March 23: What happens to your negative thoughts when your house catches fire?
Indeed, what happens to any thoughts at all, positive or negative, to your headache, your fatigue, your
apprehensions about future events, when a catastrophe befalls you? When you are focused on saving
your life and that of your loved ones, along with your precious possessions, nothing else exists for you
at that moment, because you are forced by circumstances to live in the present, in the here and now.
In the present, past experiences and future concerns cease to be a part of your consciousness so
completely that they dont seem to exist at all.
So, if you want to put past and future issues aside, don't set fire to your house; just start living entirely
in the moment.
March 24: How to be a ballet dancer.
There are two ways to become a ballet dancer.
The first is to sign up for lessons, buy the appropriate gear, devote yourself to the requisite practice and
audition for jobs available in the field.
The second way is to decide that you are a ballet dancer, to tell yourself that this is who you are. Then
sign up for training sessions, buy the appropriate gear and so on.
Perhaps, the difference between the two ways doesn't even seem all that important to you. Spend today
the way you would if you were already the person you wanted to be. Assume that you have already
brought about the change you were hoping for in your life. And observe, when you go to bed, whether
this approach has made any difference to your life.
March 25: Who do you spend your time with?
Before you read any further, write down the names of three people outside your immediate family that
you regularly spend time with. Now, write down the names of three family members you feel or have
felt closest to. They could also be parents who are no longer alive. Now ask yourself this question:
Would I be happy to have the three people I love associate with the three people I regularly spend time
with?
If your answer is yes, take some time to rejoice in the friendships you forged in your life. If the answer
is no, ask yourself if you need to value your time and friendship more than you do.
Spend a few minutes right now writing down three situations or experiences or even the names of three
people that have contributed more than others to making you feel most alive, fulfilled and connected to
the world.
Now write down three situations, experiences or name three people that have been responsible for
creating feelings in you that are quite the reverse of those. Perhaps, they have made you feel ill at ease
or even made you feel alienated.
Spend a little time studying the two lists you have just made and ask yourself if your life is well
balanced and geared for your general well-being. Are you spending the overwhelming majority of your
time on things and people that make you feel connected and the minimum possible time in situations
that make you feel quite the opposite?
If not, mightnt some adjustment be called for to correct the balance?
March 30: A half-full glass or a half-empty one.
This very familiar metaphor is supposed to reveal whether people have a positive disposition or a
negative one. Its certainly a good starting point. Here are some points you might want to ponder over:
To some extent, how you see the glassand lifeinvolves a choice. If you focus on its positive
aspects, you will be able to enjoy them. If, on the other hand, you concentrate exclusively on the
negative elements that is what you will end up experiencing.
There is, of course, the very real danger of overly optimistic people failing to see the glass as anything
other than completely full. They remain oblivious to the negative possibilities in a situation. In such
cases, a reality check is essential and should include a willingness to acknowledge the negative aspects
in a given context. Suppose, for example, that you are in a relationship where you, the optimistic half of
the couple, are incapable of recognizing the negative elements in a situation. You may well leave your
partner with no option but to express or highlight only those elements to the exclusion of all else.
The question you should then ask yourself is this: In regarding the glass as half-full, am I deliberately
avoiding a reality that is unpleasant or unacceptable to me?
March 31: What do you really want?
You probably have many answers to this question. Perhaps, youre looking forward to a better
relationship, improved health, weight loss, more money, promotion at work or a more peaceful world.
Now, ask yourself what all this will give you when you achieve it. Somewhere in your answer will be
the phrase, "I will feel better because...," and it is likely to be followed by something event or change
that lies outside your immediate sphere of influence and control.
What you really want is to feel differently, that is, better than you are feeling at present, right? And in
all probability, you've attached a condition to the circumstances that you think is necessary for you to
have this feeling. Now, suppose you had control over how you feel. Then you could create the desired
feeling without relying on external circumstances over which you had no influence.
Now, ask yourself: Is it possible to feel the way I want to feel without achieving the targets I have
listed?
If you can give a positive answer to this question you may find your life easier and more fulfilling.
April 1: Today, you could...
Today is the day you could treat everyone you meet with warmth and kindness.
Then notice how these feelings often come back to you.
Today could be filled with the most amazing possibilities.
All you need to do is change your focus so that you are aware of them.
Today you could start living the life you have always dreamed of.
Remember, even the longest journey starts with the first step.
April 2: Do your beliefs support you?
If there was such a thing as truth we would all agree on it and since we don't all agree what is true for
you may not be true for others.
We need to treat such differences with respect but since you have chosen your beliefs you can ask if
they are supporting your progress through life, and if they are not, chose different ones.
Here are a couple of typical disempowering beliefs:Life's a pain and then you die.
Other people will let you down.
Here are a couple of better ones:Problems are a sign of life.
Most people are doing their best.
What beliefs do you want to adopt and live by today?
April 3: If you knew you were going to die today, what changes would you make in your life?
This is a very tough question and it would be unhealthy to spend too much time thinking about your
early death. But it is worth five minutes of your time, just to see what kind of thoughts it throws up.
1. Perhaps, you will look at some issues about relationships that you need to resolve.
2. Perhaps, you will have thoughts about taking time off for yourself.
3. Perhaps, you will consider dealing with something you have been putting off.
Whatever does come up, it's worth making a note of and considering what action you can take today.
It would be good to reflect on the progress you have made when you go, safely, to your bed tonight.
Often, people who have been rushed to hospital because of a medical emergency, come out days or
even weeks later, to discover that all the urgent things they needed to do have either already been done
by someone else, no longer need attention or have turned out to be not so very urgent after all. You
don't really need to wait for an emergency to bring about a similar situation in your own life.
It would be interesting today to take something thats been on your mind, decide just to let it be and
observe what happens.
April 7: The bank.
What would you do if an amount of 1,440 were deposited in your bank account every day on the
condition that you spent it all by the end of the day, failing which the balance would revert to zero? My
guess is that you would try and spend the money each day in a manner guaranteed to ensure that it
would be of maximum benefit to you on that particular day.
The sum involved may well be familiar, it's the number of minutes in each day and the truth is what
you fail to spend to your benefit day does not get carried forward. The balance is wiped clean. Each day
is a new account, you can't borrow, you can't save.
Make the most of today, it's the only time you're going to experience it.
April 8: Keeping a journal.
"If your life's worth living," said Anthony Robbins, "it's worth recording."
Maintaining a journal is much more than simply recording your life. I know of no better or more
important tool for becoming the person you want to be.
It's a place where you can record your best and deepest thoughts, jot down your aims in life, plot its
future course, hold yourself to the high standards you have set yourself and explore any past issues that
are currently affecting you.
A journal can help you to know yourself as you would an intimate friend. It can act as your adviser and
be a source of inspiration and guidance for you. By all means, write down the events and incidents that
make up your life, but the opportunities presented by a journal are far wider than that.
Perhaps, you could start a lifetime habit today by maintaining a journal?
April 9: Gossip.
"There's only one thing worse than being talked about, and that's not being talked about." Oscar
Wilde
That might be sound very witty, but I'm far from sure it's true, particularly, when I observe the harm
caused by malicious gossip. I don't mean the kind of talk targeting celebrities who often wash their
dirty linen in public and open their personal lives to scrutiny and comment, though I concede they have
feelings like everyone else.
Im referring to the kind of remarks made when so-called friends get together to talk about mutual
acquaintances behind their back. Im sure you must have noticed how often the information exchanged
during these sessions is negative and damaging.
Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:
How would this person feel if he or she were in the room with you?
How would you feel if similarly comments were being made about you?
Whats your responsibility, even if you are just listening to others?
April 10: You can't possess another person, but you can nurture a relationship.
If you see a beautiful flower in a garden and pluck it to take home with you, it may give you some
pleasure for a few days, but will eventually die. If you leave it in its own soil, water it and nurture it, it
will give you pleasure for many seasons.
Wanting security, particularly in a relationship, is a natural human instinct. But grasping at something
instead of nurturing it is a short-term strategy unlikely to yield long-lasting dividends.
April 13: What would you do, if no one knew who you were?
Imagine a situation in which you suddenly find yourself living in another country. Everyone speaks
your language, but no one knows your history. And while you were being transported to this new place,
you also lost, along with your luggage, all your former convictions and preferences. So, you are safe
and secure, but unknown.
What would you choose to do for a living?
What sort of people would you seek out as your friends?
What would you prefer to believe?
What would you do for fun and entertainment?
Now, check your answers to these questions and see whether they differ from the life you are actually
leading right now. Then ask yourself one last question: Do I need to start making changes in my life?
Mark was walking home from school, when he saw the boy ahead of him trip and drop a big pile of
books he was carrying. Mark knelt down and helped him pick up the scattered books. Since they were
going the same way, he helped carry part of the load. As they walked along together, Mark discovered
that the boy's name was Bill and that he loved video games, baseball and history. He came to know,
however, that Bill had a lot of trouble with other subjects and that he had just broken up with his
girlfriend. They continued to see each other around school and became good friends.
Six years later, after high-school graduation, when they were going to college in different towns, Bill
asked Mark, "Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things the day we first met? You see, I
had just cleaned out my locker, because I did not want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had saved
some sleeping pills from my mothers stock and was going to commit suicide. But after we spent some
time together, talking and laughing, I realized that if I had killed myself, I would have missed those
happy moments with you and so many others that might follow. When you helped me, you did not only
pick up my books. You saved my life."
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture, you could change a person's
life, for better or for worse.
April 15: Today, you could...
Today, you could try and respond with new energy and determination to the challenge of life.
You could keep pushing, until the door opens for you.
Today, you could be just one step away from a real breakthrough.
And the only way to find out if, indeed, you are, is to take that step.
Today, you could suspend your judgement of others and look at them with new eyes.
You might be pleasantly surprised at the discoveries you make or feel the need to protect yourself
more.
Here are some useful guidelines to help you ask for what you want so that your request is heeded:
Approach someone who you know can supply what you need; otherwise, there's little point in making
the request.
Be specific; make it clear what you want and when you want it.
Ensure that your request is expressed with courtesy. Dont demand, threaten or plead. Be prepared for
the eventuality of a refusal.
Sounds easy? Why not find out? Experiment by asking for something you want today.
April 19: If you wrote yourself a letter, would you be upset to receive it?
I guess this sounds like a silly question. If you already know what you wrote, why would reading it
upset you? But then, consider the following:
Have you ever brooded over something and ended up feeling upset as a result?
Have your thoughts ever lingered on a past slight and caused you to become tense and unhappy?
Have you ever recalled a bad time youve been through and experienced the pain all over again?
Remember: Your thoughts are not created by events. They arent created by other people either. They
are created by you alone. And they are the letters you write to yourself.
April 20: What did you enjoy as a child that you would enjoy doing now?
A simple question and worth a few minutes of your time today.
Just write down five things you enjoyed when you were young. It could be kicking leaves as you
strolled along a street, being read to or whatever is relevant for you. If you can't come up with five such
experiences, write down things you think you would have enjoyed had you been given the opportunity.
Now, next to each one of these items, write down a related experience you could enjoy here and now as
an adult. Then try out a few to see how they feel. Here are some examples:
Being read to: Listening to books on a cd or your MP3 player.
Kicking leaves: Kicking leaves, its still fun..
Being hugged: Hugging someone.
It's amazing how many fond childhood experiences are still available to us as adults.
1. I dont mean it's too late to introduce some childlike fun into your adult life. Indeed, the fact of
growing older seems to offer more opportunities for doing so.
2. I dont mean either that you cant take the initiative, perhaps, with the help of others, to deal with
and resolve some negative aspects of your past life.
3. And I dont mean that you can't acquire a more positive perspective on difficult memories.
What I do mean is that at some point in your life, you have to come to terms with your past, however
difficult it might have been, and that all the support and solace in the world won't change what
happened to you. It might well prepare and empower you to deal with the issues you find so difficult.
But the fact remains, that a time will come when you must decide to move forward instead of looking
back.
Therapy which does not focus on the objective of looking at the present and the future instead of
obsessing about the past is unlikely to offer a solution that will be both realistic and sustainable.
April 25: It's difficult to be yourself when you're trying to please others.
Almost everybody likes to be liked; it's a normal human instinct. It's also a mark of maturity to be able
to accept that people being so different from one another, not everyone is going to like you or approve
of what you say or do. The same word or deed may be appreciated by one person and criticized by
another. Pleasing everyone is just not a practical proposition.
The price you end up paying for your efforts to achieve the impossible is that you lose touch with who
you are by trying to be a different person to win the approval of each person you meet. It's just not
worth the effort.
Its far better to concentrate your energies on overcoming your eagerness to please. It's nice to be
pleasant. That's something you can control. But pleasing others is dependent on their reactions and
beyond your immediate sphere of influence. By trying to adapt yourself to how they react, you risk
ending up losing yourself.
The violinist, Itzhak Perlman, was stricken with polio as a child. He wears braces on both legs and
walks with the help of a pair of crutches. To watch him make his slow and painful way across the stage,
one step at a time, is not an experience one can easily forget. There is a certain majesty in his laborious
progress towards his chair. Then he sits down slowly, places his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps
of the braces on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Bending down, he
picks up the violin, positions it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.
By now, the audience is used to this ritual. For every performance of his, they sit quietly, while he
makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent as he undoes the clasps of the
braces on his legs. They wait patiently until he is ready to play. But on one occasion, something went
wrong. In the middle of the performance, one of the strings on his violin snapped. You could hear the
sound like a gunfire shot across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant.
People who were there that night thought to themselves: "We figured that he would have to put on the
clasps again, pick up the crutches, rise from his chair and limp his way off-stageto either find another
violin or else another string for this one."
But Perlman didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes, then signalled the conductor to begin
again. The orchestra began and the violinist played from where he had left off. And he played with the
kind of passion, power and purity they had never heard before. Of course, everyone knows that it is
impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that and so do you, but that night,
Perlman refused to acknowledge it. When the performance drew to a close, there was an awesome
silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered.
Perlman smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow and raised his bow, asking for silence. Then he said,
not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, almost reverential tone, "You know, sometimes, it is the artist's
task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."
Some stories need no further comment.
After all your planning and all your thinking, all your wishes and all your anxieties, you, like everyone
else in the world only have here and only have now in which you can take action.
This moment will not return, time doesn't care if you spend it well or badly, it just goes on passing.
That doesn't mean you should be in a rush, that's rarely an effective use of this limited resource.
What this question does is ask you to stop, reflect, decide and then move forward in a direction you can
own as yours and with a plan you have created.
April 28: The more you celebrate in life, the more there is in life to celebrate.
Celebration is a habit to be cultivated. Often, areas of our life that work well can pass unnoticed, while
the difficult issues tend to engage more of our attention. As a result, we risk losing our perspective on
life and lend our problems greater magnitude than they rightfully deserve.
So, write down today three reasons to give thanks, to celebrate. Add another one to your list tomorrow
and carry on in this manner until next week, so that a week from now, you will have ten such reasons
on your list. Keep the list with you and read it every day, adding to it as and when other such reasons
come to mind.
Next time you are passing through a difficult phase in your life, take a few minutes to read this list
before you look for solutions to any problems you might be facing. It won't change the nature of the
problem, but it will certainly put you in a better state to deal with it.
If you don't feel any difference even after a month of practice, meditation is probably not for you.
April 30: "Another King rose over Egypt who did not know Joseph"
I'm not normally one to quote religious texts, but this is the favourite quote of a dear friend and
intended as a warning against putting too much faith in an individual in a position of power or
influence.
I remembered it when we chose a school for our son, based on a charismatic speech by the head teacher
who laid out in detail the exciting plans he had in mindthen left at the end of the term.
In any decision involving others, be it in relation to a job, education, location and so on, it's worth
finding out whether our choice can stand on its own without the prop or influence of a particular person
who might currently be a determining factor in our calculations. It's worth asking yourself the
following question: "If they weren't there, would I be?"
It might not change you decision, but you would, at least, be making a better-informed one.
May 1: Today, you could...
Today, you could enjoy every step of the journey that is life.
Don't wait till you get to your destination to experience the pleasure.
Today, you could make a small adjustment in the direction you have chosen.
And this time next month, you will find that the difference between where you had expected to arrive
and where you have, in fact, arrived, will be significant.
Today, you could cherish your dreams.
However unrealistic they may seem now, they represent something important about you.
May 2: What if your feelings were just decisions you made?
Would you choose to have the feelings you are experiencing right now?
If not, how would they be different?
I'm not suggesting that all our feelings are completely within our control; that seems to me an
unrealistic position to take. But we can exercise our influence over most of our feelings to some degree.
So, if the discrepancy in your life between how you feel and how you want to feel is fairly wide, take a
risk. Start behaving as if you could just decide to feel differently about things.
It might not do away with the gap altogether, but it may well minimize it. For that alone, it is worth
making the effort.
May 3: Right now, there are people in this world who believe they would be happy if they had
what you have.
I've never taken much comfort from the there's-always-someone-worse-off-than-me approach to life. It
seems to suggest that the suffering of others should, somehow, make you feel better.
However, the idea that other people actually believe they would be happy if they had what you have,
might make you pause to consider how many of your concerns and worries arise from how you have
chosen to think about them.
You could spend today appreciating how lucky you are.
May 5: You can't save time; you can only spend itwisely or foolishly.
All you have at your disposal is the present. You have no choice at all as to whether you should spend it
or not. If you do not appreciate the moment before you, including this one, and fail to use it to your best
advantage, it will have spent itself and be gone, never to return. Where you do have a choice is in the
manner in which you decide to spend the present.
Time spent either brooding over the past or speculating about the future is definitely not an intelligent
use of the limited resource that is the present.
Of course, it makes sense to invest some time now in an activity that will yield benefits in the future.
This might include planning a holiday or learning a skill, among other things.
The trick is not to regard the anticipated benefit as just in the future, but to find ways of enjoying the
process here and now, today.
May 6: Who's in charge if you're not?
It's so easy to blame others, be they parents, partners, big business, unions or government. But the
result is that they are the ones in charge of your life.
However powerless you may feel at times, it is best to act as if you were in charge. By doing so, you
increase your chances of getting what you want.
May 7: What if you won first prize in a competition?
And were allowed to choose onebut only oneof the following:
1. To have a secure income, allowing you to live in comfort for life.
2. To have an extra seven years of additional healthy living.
3. To have invented something significant, but without any personal credit.
Which of the above would you choose and what does the choice say about you as an individual?
May 8: What do you fear most and how are you working to overcome it?
You've probably heard the expression, "You have nothing to fear but fear itself". Well, it certainly
contains elements of truth, though it rarely feels like it. What is important here is to recognize what you
fear and identify it by giving it a name.
So, right now, write down three of your greatest fears. When you've done that, you have already taken
the first and, possibly, the biggest step forward in trying to conquer your fear.
What we name and, thereby, give concrete shape to, we can deal with.
What remains formless and unarticulated grows to assume unmanageable proportions.
Next, against each of the fears you have listed, write down one actionnot necessarily a major one
that you can take in the next forty-eight hours to overcome it.
If you take this action and repeat the process over the next thirty days, you will notice that a month
from now, your fears are going to be significantly less.
Choice usually operates within a framework. For example, we have a choice of careers to pick from or
a choice of films to see.
True freedom involves stepping beyond all frameworks and creating a world entirely of our own
making.
It may still resemble the one we are already living in, but we can claim it as entirely our own.
Since the only thing you can hope to exercise control over is your own response to a situation (and
some of us have great difficulty even doing that), its worth testing this out for a day or two to see if it
makes a real difference.
May 22: The secret areas in your life you keep hidden from others.
The following is one of my favourite counselling questions and I invite you to ask it of yourself and
write down the answer: "What would someone have to know about me to understand me in a way most
people don't?"
We all want to be understood. At the same time, we want to avoid feeling vulnerable. There's a conflict
here. To be fully understood, we have to let our guard down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. If
you remain aloof and allow no one to get close to you, you are unlikely to be understood either.
So, first answer this question, then decide to what extent you are prepared to open yourself to those
close to you. You don't have to disclose all at once, but it would be useful for you to understand what
that "all" is, on your own terms, and make a start.
We live in a world where "experts" are easily available to offer advice on almost every conceivable
problem. Much of what they have to offer is positive and of some use. That doesnt necessarily mean it
will work for you.
You are unique. It means that while you can benefit from the views and insights of others, the final
decision about what works for you is yours. Don't give away your power to decide for yourself.
Here are some thoughts from other people on this issue:
"If someone throws you a ball, you don't have to catch it." Richard Carlson
"Vote with your feet; it's best to avoid people and situations you know drive you crazy." Stuart
Wilde
"If you want the world to be kinder, then be more kind." Dan Millman
May 26: You can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can stop it from building a
nest.
I have had counselling clients who would get annoyed with themselves when a negative or adversely
critical thought strayed into their mind. In fact, they sometimes became so angry about it, that they
would infuse enough energy into that particular thought to stay around for quite a while.
There are disciplines that can help control the thoughts that spring up in our minds. But it is usually
enough for us to restrict the space we give such thoughts in our daily lives.
We have a choice not to dwell on negative things.
If action is needed, we can act. Otherwise, we can fill our minds with what is positive and lifeenhancing.
Our imagination is a wonderful gift and with it we can summon anyone we want to help us. It takes a
little practice to get fluent at this, here is what to do:Sit quietly for a few minutes and then create a picture of yourself in a favourite location.
Imagine being joined by the person from whom you want help and advice.
Tell them, quietly in your mind, what your situation is and ask for their thoughts.
Then sit still until your imagination lets them speak and listen to what they have to say.
They can be real or fictional, experts or friends, family or famous.
It's OK to have fun with this.
On the other hand, a video is likely to give a more accurate impression of who we are, since it is a
recording that covers a certain period of time.
Why then do people so often hang on to the snapshot of the careless comment from others, the
unintended insult and the harsh word later taken back?
So throw these away along with the bad photos. If the words do not fit the usual attitude of the other
person then discard them, don't keep the worst, keep the best..
Express yourself today, verbally or non-verbally, to the best effect and do so in the best interests of
everyone concerned, particularly, yourself.
This also contains a message about how to handle stress. It recommends taking time off while you put
down the burdens you shoulder, so that you can gather the strength to pick them up and carry them
again without collapsing.
It's amazing what human beings can deal with when they have to. We often hear stories of others who
have handled their problems with courage and feel, "I doubt I could cope as well as they did." Your
ability to cope with stress, like your ability to hold a glass of water at arms length, is greatly increased,
if you take regular time out.
And as with the glass of water, it doesn't have to be for long.
Here are some examples:
A five-minute period of quiet contemplation can transform a morning or even the whole day.
Sitting in the car and leaving behind the day you have just spent can enhance the quality of your
evening.
A physical stretch lasting a few minutes can create a surge of positive energy.
A couple of minutes spent writing down a list of the things you should be grateful for could improve
your mood.
A short run can help you cope more effectively with a long day.
Holding on to negative feelings from the past implies that we have given away our power over our
mental well-being. Such feelings curb our freedom by allowing external forces to control us. I'm sure
there are good moral reasons to forgive our enemies, to let go of anger and hurt. Purely on the basis of
self-interest, however, of keeping control of our lives and enhancing our sense of freedom, it's an
affirmative, if difficult step to take.
What negativity can you let go of today to enhance your personal freedom?
June 20: Experience is not what happens to you.
It's how you react to it.
If it were not so, everyone would experience the same event in the same way. And were well aware
that does not happen.
So, do you have a choice in how you respond to events?
All I can say is your life will work better, if you act as though you do have a choice.
June 21: The miracle question.
If you were to wake up tomorrow morning and find that your relationship was exactly the way you
wanted it to be, what would be different?
What would you be feeling?
How would you act?
How would others react to you?
It's useful to know what is tied up in our problems and one way of finding out is to imagine our life
without them.
Sometimes, our problems constrain us from leading our lives freely. Often, however, they protect us
from going overboard and indulging in excesses.
See where the answer to the miracle question takes you today.
According to a familiar quote, "We don't see the world as it is; we see the world as we are."
What this experiment proves is the power of our self-image and the way we find evidence of how we
are being treated, even where none exists. It's a very good rule of thumb that when someone behaves
badly towards you, it's much more about them than it is about you. But if you're convinced people are
reacting badly to you because of some failing of yours, you will find the evidence to support your view,
even if it's not there.
June 23: Turning towards difficulty.
It's a very human trait to turn away from our problems, to avoid facing tricky situations. For some
people, confrontation is a real challenge; for others, trying not to regard everything in life as a
confrontation can be a problem.
What would your life be like, if you decided to face situations you found hard to deal with and even
welcomed them as a learning experience?
In the short term, your life might become more difficult. But in the long term, you could find your
resources enriched and strengthened and your sense of freedom greatly heightened.
During a television interview, the son of author Maya Angelou was asked, "What was it like growing
up in your mother's shadow?"
He replied, "That's funny. I always thought I was growing up in her light."
It's said the Chinese use the same symbol for "problem" as they do for "opportunity". And it's certainly
true that the context we create for the "facts" of our life largely dictates our experience.
Take one area of your life that you have difficulty with and ask yourself this: If I interpreted this in a
positive light, how would it change my daily experience?
Observe the kind of answers that come up for you and see if you think it's worth making the change.
June 26: You can have anything you want.
But not everything you want; there just isn't enough time. Your life involves choices.
Letting go of dreams can be painful, but sometimes, you have to do so to enable other dreams to thrive.
Since there is not enough time to do everything you desire in life, it is crucial for you to let go of the
trivial, so as to be able to concentrate on what has the potential to make a difference.
Today, there is no point in majoring in minor things.
June 27: If you face a problem in your relationship, it does not mean that your relationship is the
problem.
No one comes to a relationship without a history. While that history may not belong to the relationship,
it usually affects it.
When two histories meet each other head-on, the problems that arise can get complicated.
If you find yourself facing the same problem in a number of your relationships, you can be fairly
certain that the problem is you and not the relationship. So, work on yourself and leave the relationship
alone to sort itself out later.
Relationships can give us great joy and satisfaction, but they can't fulfill all our needs. Ultimately, the
responsibility for your happiness lies with you, not with your relationship.
A relationship also needs the stimulation of new experiences from outside sources to keep it alive. Or it
will atrophy and decay.
Today, you could recognize the truth about people without problems.
The truth is, they are dead, and if you had a choice, you wouldn't want to swap places with them.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this.
Today, you could choose to decide on the attitude you will adopt towards everything.
Stop allowing the world and other people to decide how you should live. You deserve better.
July 3: Just because someone asks you a question, doesnt mean you have to answer it.
I guess we all know that is true, but how often do we act as though we do?
Here are some other examples:
Just because someone asks you to do something doesnt mean you have to do it.
Just because someone asks you to contribute doesnt mean you have to.
Just because someone wants to borrow from you doesnt mean you have to lend.
Who will run your life todayyou or the rest of the world?
This is only true sometimes, because it's great to be able to offer others help. It makes us feel good
about ourselves when we have been supportive of those we love.
But it's a thin line between being supportive and undermining others, however well-intentioned our
efforts may be.
Today you could choose to be aware of this distinction.
July 8: Notice what works best for you and do more of it.
Take a few moments to review your relationship or your life and observe what works best for you. How
is what works any different from what does not?
Suppose nothing works? Try doing something different from the usual and notice if it improves matters
or makes them worse. If you notice an improvement, repeat it; if not, move onto something else.
In the early years, love can be a heady mixture of passion and desire. It's exciting, stimulating and for
some people, this can last for a lifetime.
For others such intensity can become too dominating. It's just as valid, particularly later in a
relationship, to make a decision to love someone as it is to be head over heels 'in love'.
Perhaps, today is the right day to reaffirm your decision to love someone.
July 12: You can't plough a field by turning it over in your mind.
Our internal world is important. How we observe and describe things creates our experience. Yet, if we
stop there, we stop too early. Action not only brings about change in the external world, it also initiates
change in our inner world.
If we love others, but refrain from telling them that we do, the process remains incomplete.
If we want to make a difference, but don't take action we sell ourselves short.
If we want to be fit, but refuse to exercise, we will be no nearer our goal.
What area of your life can you take action on today?
July 13: You can only say "yes" if you can also say "no"
It's a choice in the true sense of the term, only if you have the freedom to choose the alternative.
Just consider a situation where you have said yes, and ask yourself if you could have said no, not
hypothetically, but in practice.
If you could, indeed, have said no, you made a genuine choice. If not, you didn't.
had sat down with her, comforted her and told her he would help her find her parents and that the
feeling of sadness would pass. He said to her, "You know, in the end, everything passes. Nothing goes
on for ever."
Those words and the kindness with which they had been spoken had changed her life. They went on to
change the life of her granddaughter as well. That middle-aged man who had comforted the woman in
her childhood was the same one who felt he had not contributed in any way to the life of others.
You just never know the effect you have on others. So, live today as though it's an important date.
July 17: There are no justified resentments.
At the simplest level, resentment damages the person who harbours it more than the person towards
whom it is directed. Its obviously not a smart move to cling to it.
A Chinese proverb says:
"If you're going to pursue revenge, you'd better dig two graves."
Perhaps, for the sake of your own health, today would be a good time to let go of an old resentment.
July 18: Relationships are a mirror.
Relationships can reflect back to us aspects of ourselves we don't much care for and it seems easy to
blame our partner for how we end up feeling.
The image, however distorted, is still ours. You don't have to stay in a relationship that distorts who you
are, but it can be worth spending time checking that image to see how much of it is a true reflection of
yourself.
If being with someonea relative, friend or partneroften makes you feel bad about yourself and that
doesn't happen when you're with other people, you may want to ask yourself if this is a relationship you
should let go of.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather, the judgement that something else is more important
than fear." Ambrose Redmoon
July 22: What is the smallest step you can take now?
We all like to take big steps and move rapidly towards our goal, it's exhilerating and exciting.
Sometimes, however, the way you feel will not help you make any major progress. But that does not
mean you cannot move forward at all. Perhaps, the smallest task is all you can manage today, but it's
still worth carrying out. It could be any of the following:
1. A fifteen-minute walk or a good stretch to further a fitness goal.
2. Not buying something you can do without to achieve a financial goal.
3. An offer to help despite not feeling like it to further a relationship.
4. Leaving some food on your plate to help you move towards a weight goal.
A maximum score might not be available right now, but that doesn't mean improvement is not a
possibility today.
July 29: How does this person make me feel about myself?
Given that our relationships with others easily become complicated, as their history and emotions
collide and combine with ours, asking yourself this question can offer important insights into what is
going on.
As in all things, the head and the heart work best together. The answers you obtain may help them to do
that. Here are a few examples:
Someone you spend time with makes you laugh at his jokes. You enjoy his charisma and strength. Yet,
after he has left, you feel depleted, diminished, tired. Perhaps, you even have a headache.
These are important warning signs, and you may decide to withdraw from this relationship to preserve
your own energy.
Someone you spend time with is rather quiet, not the life and soul of the party. But after she leaves, you
feel rather content with life and find yourself smiling at something the two of you shared.
You might want to reach out and explore the possibilities of this relationship.
Someone you spend time with is sad and depressed and you end up feeling the same way. Watch out.
They may unconsciously be using your energy to boost theselves rather than engaging with you.
Someone you spend time with is sad and depressed and you end up feeling you have helped them.
This is a positive experience worth repeating. Chances are this person will end up feeling supported
and be prepared to change.
Here is another way of asking the same question: Which way is the energy flowing?
1. Resonance: Something that feels right, in accord with your feelings and values.
2. Elegance: A solution that appears to flow. No part of it feels forced.
3. Simplicity: A feeling that there isnt anything missing or unnecessary.
If a solution meets two or three of these criteria, it's almost certainly worth taking further.
If it meets none of them, you could spend today creating alternatives.
What struck me most was that nothing needed to be said by way of explanation.
August 6: Mid-life is not about what you do; it's about who you are.
And that's true of many other times in our lives.
We are human beings, not human "doings". Yet, so much of our energy goes into planning the future
and so little into enjoying the moment.
Today, you could make it different; live who you are, rather than what you do.
August 7: What is the biggest priority in your life? How are you living it?
It's interesting how often there is a difference between what we think we stand for and how we behave
in our everyday lives.
People often claim qualities such as honesty, loyalty and reliability as priorities in their lives then
choose to be oblivious to the fact that they don't demonstrate these qualities in everyday situations.
People often claim that their first priority is their partner, their children or their friends. Yet, if they
placed their lives under scrutiny, they would realize that the way they spent their time did not reflect
this.
Of course, this might not apply to you. But it's still worth spending a few minutes examining your
answers to the question.
August 8: The secret lives of others.
If we were aware of the secret lives of those we sometimes want to punish and knew about their
heartaches and troubles, we would certainly not wish to add to the burdens they are already carrying.
Live today with this in mind and see how you end up feeling when you go to bed tonight.
August 9: What is the purpose of my life? (1)
Here is a simple answer: The purpose of my life is to enjoy the experience of being alive.
Live this out today and then look at the item for tomorrow.
August 10: What is the purpose of my life? (2)
Write down your three best qualities; for example, intelligence, compassion and determination.
Write down your three best skills; for instance, organization, writing and typing.
Write down three ways you want the world to be; for example, loving, friendly and peaceful.
Now write the following: "The purpose of my life is to use my (three qualities) and my (three skills) to
help create a world which is (three ways)."
You may want to refine your purpose and add detail, but now you do have a starting point for what you
want your life to be about.
August 11: A simple religion.
The Dalai Lama once said, "My religion is simple; my religion is kindness."
Now, we each have to work out our own beliefs about life. But I think this is a great standard against
which to check both our convictions and our conduct.
The one person who always benefits when you practice "random acts of kindness" is yourself. That's
not why you practice them, but it is the outcome.
Check it out. Reach out to someone else today in a way that is unexpected. Then observe how you end
up feeling.
Today, you could complete something you have been putting off.
The energy spent in not doing it i probably more than it would take to complete the task.
Today, you could mark your minor successes.
See how they have built up and contributed to real changes in your life.
Today, you could write down one of your best qualities.
And see how you can use it in an interesting and varied way as your day progresses.
August 16: Having it all.
He had finally achieved all his goals.
It was not surprising, as he had devoted almost all his time to them.
He had the job and the income he wanted, the level of fitness he desired.
He had an apartment in the best part of town.
It had all been worthwhile, the personal sacrifices, the postponement of pleasure. At last, he could look
forward to enjoying life.
He was so busy looking forward, he did not see the truck that hit him from behind.
It's not forever. By all means, have plans and objectives, but enjoy the present moment. You may never
have another.
Here's a good relationship question: If I knew my partner or proposed partner was never going to
change, would I be happy to spend the rest of my life with him/ her?
If the honest answer, warts and all, is YES, go ahead and have fun.
If the answer is NO, you owe it to yourself to ask if this person is right for you.
So, those who appear to be dealing with life well, even if they aren't, need to know how to ask for help.
Otherwise, it wont occur to others to offer it.
If it applies to you, ask for what you need and make an effort to find out what others need as well.
Try telling a naked man who is standing in a strong wind at - 20 C that he creates his own experience.
He might not agree with you.
But you could tell yourself the same thing, when you get upset over something someone has said to
you, an anniversary your partner forgot, a promotion for which you were passed over, holiday plans
that went awry, a scratch on your car or a rainy day... The list is endless.
Today, you could take responsibility for what you create.
September 4: Change can either be an event or a process.
Sometimes, change occurs in an instant; a major event or a sudden occurrence. But often, the change
has been in progress for quite sometime without being noticed. It is the realization of the change that is
sudden.
More often, change is a process. We may not be aware of it except in retrospect. In the context of losing
weight, a pound a month is inconsequential. But over a year, it amounts to almost a stone.
So, look back a year or five and take stock. See what has changed and ask yourself if you like the
direction in which your life is going.
If not, it's time to make changes so that this time next year, it will all seem very different.
September 5: Do you always look as if you're coping, even when youre not?
What was your reaction when you read this question?
If you responded to it with a start of recognition, what comes next was written for you. If not, consider
if it might apply to someone you feel close to.
Here are some predictions:
You feel you always have to cope, either because of childhood experiences you endured or because of
current demands on you. Unlike other people, you don't have a choice.
Underlying your response is probably a fear that if you don't keep on coping, a part of your world will
collapse and things will go wrong and become chaotic.
But consider the following:
Just because you have to cope with everything most of the time, does not mean you have to cope with
everything all the time.
If you've always been someone who dealt with problems, that part of you will still be active even when
you take a short break.
Your taking some "time out" may allow others to become more capable and result in them feeling
better about themselves.
If the above made sense to you:
Tell those close to you that on certain occasions, at least, you're not waving, but drowning. Trust them
to take over for a while.
September 8: What was your life like when you were that age?
This is a question mostly for parents, but also for those who have any contact with children.
Bringing up children can be one of the most difficult and rewarding challenges in life. We make it that
much more difficult when we have expectations that don't match the reality of our children's lives.
Societies, peer pressure and consumerism all change so much and so quickly, that the lives of the next
generation are often very different from ours, both from the social and financial point of view.
What is much more likely to be shared with our offspring is the experience we ourselves went through
at the same age. That's when it's worth asking the question in the heading. If you are in doubt about the
answers and your parents are still alive, check with them. They will enjoy reminding you about the
problems they had understanding you.
When you find the tantrums of your five-year-old trying, ask how your parents felt when you were five.
When you are confused by your offsprings refusal to engage with you or share his or her experiences
at puberty, remind yourself of how unwilling you were to talk to your mum and dad when your own
body was changing.
When you feel ignored by your fifteen-year-old, it's worth reflecting on how you treated your parents
when you yourself were fifteen. How sensitive were you to their feelings?
The experience of being human does not seem to change that much over the generations.
After seven days, take some time to reflect on and review your list. Think about the difference you
have made to others and how it has left you feeling.
This is an exercise that's meant to be fun. If it feels like a burden, don't try it.
September 10: Can you be free if you are still trying to control other people?
Every attempt to control and change someone else involves surrendering a little of your own freedom.
Since, in practice, you have no control over the responses of others, by attempting to acquire it, you are
allowing your life to be controlled by them.
Of course, if you are involved in bringing up children, you will realize that this loss of freedom is
inevitable. It goes with the territory of being a parent. But it's interesting how we still give away our
power when we are in an adult-to-adult situation. For some reason, we believe that people should be
different from how they are and invest time and energy in vain, trying to bring about a change in them
that will make them acceptable to us.
Today, it would be a good idea to accept people as they are. If that doesn't benefit you, move on.
Life can be good, but it wont be perfect. If it were, we wouldnt grow. It's how you cope when things
go wrong that's the mark of your worth as a human being.
September 19: Does the longest journey start with the first step?
I'm not a fan of bumper-sticker philosophy. I don't take to easy solutions and I find it annoying when
problems are dismissed with a phrase like "The longest journey starts with the first step." What's even
more annoying with this one is that despite it being simplistic and failing to tell the full story, it's
accurate and even insightful, however you choose to look at it.
Whatever it is you want to achievefulfilment in a relationship, financial success or health targets
you won't get there until you start taking action.
Your first action might well involve planning and preparation, modifying your attitude and making a
decision, but until it's implemented in the outside world, it won't feel real.
Here's a challenge for today: Take any objective you have in mind and take the first step right now
towards its achievement.
You may undertake either a short journey or a long one, but it's unlikely to become easier if you delay
starting it.
September 20: Rome wasn't built in a day ... but parts of it were.
The first part of the sentence is an expression parents use when their children clamour for instant
gratification. Its supposed to hold the moral that if something is worth having, it takes time to achieve.
Some people interpret this to mean that all they have to do is wait. And so they do, wallowing in
inactivity and impatient for their goals to be realized without any contribution on their part.
Although "Rome wasn't built in a day", parts of it were. In other words, its best to look at the small
steps you can take towards your eventual goal. Many good things in life are the result of a number of
small deeds, carried out often on a daily basis.
An education cannot be acquired in a day, but new learning certainly can.
A weight-loss target is unlikely to be achieved in a day, but a daily weight reduction might be a feasible
objective.
Financial success is usually not achieved in a day, but you can open a savings account to start off with.
A damaged relationship cannot be mended in a day, but a significant start can be made in that direction.
This book wasnt written in a day, but this part of it certainly was!
What do you want to start building today?
September 21: There are worse things in life than having a relationship end.
Observing the incident from the kitchen window, his wife rushed out. "Are you all right?" she asked
anxiously. "What did he take?"
The man shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh it was just a battered old coin I stumbled across this
morning."
Sometimes, it pays to devise the best possible explanation for things over which we have no control.
Sometimes, it's good to stand firm and live with the disagreement.
Sometimes, it's fine to give way.
Sometimes, it's time to respect differences and move on to other areas.
that he is now in his early twenties, married and with a child. They are struggling to make ends meet,
but he knows better times are ahead and pulls again.
In his late twenties, he gets a promotion, but is not happy with his new job. So, another pull takes him
to the post of Manager. Its a fulfilling phase in his career and his financial situation is more stable.
The problems of two teenage children, their friends and their loud late-night music are a trial for him
and he looks forward to the day he and his wife can enjoy the peace of their home together. Another tug
on the rope and he finds himself struggling now to hold onto his job and looks forward to his
retirement. He pulls the rope again and finds he has retired but is now facing major heart surgery.
Anxious to find out what will happen next, he pulls the rope once more and finds himself in the dark
and surrounded by a wooden box.
Enjoy each stage of your life as it comes; it's over quickly enough.
October 3: Your life will end before the world stops being interesting.
You'd better face it: Whatever your interests, there are more opportunities available to you than you
will ever have time to explore. And, of course, the more interests you have, the worse it gets.
Take entertainment, as a small example: Every day, at least one book you will enjoy reading is
published, a CD you would enjoy listening to is released, a film or TV program you would love to see
is produced, a play that would interest you opens and a concert that you would be keen to attend is
staged.
Take travel: Assuming you don't work in the travel industry, if you add up all the places you want to go
to and the holidays you have at your disposal, you're just not going to be able to cram it all in.
And I haven't mentioned your career, relationships, sports, writing, learning and so on.
The message is about choice.
Today, you don't have time for the second-best, the second-rate.
You don't have enough time to enjoy all the first-rate pleasures at your disposal. So, never settle for
less.
Relationships with people who don't make you feel good after a few encounters; the situation is not
likely to change.
Relationships where, most of the time, you feel like the parent and the other person like your child; it's
not healthy for either of you.
Relationships where you feel you have to rescue the other person all the time; it doesnt breed respect
on either side.
Relationships with people who have fatal flaws they are not doing anything to rectify such as affairs,
drugs or alcohol. Fatal flaws are usually just thatfatal.
A father is talking to his daughter who is a bit upset because her desk is untidy. "What makes it
untidy?" he asks her.
"Well, if things kept on it are moved about," she replies.
"So, if I move this pen a bit, does that make it untidy?"
"Yes, it does," she answers, "the pen has to be right there, on that spot."
"Well, the problem," says her father, "is there are a lot of ways you can see your desk as untidy, but
only one way you can see it as tidy!"
Gregory Bateson
Too many rules can spoil your life and your relationships.
If you can have at your disposal a number of ways to enjoy success, you are far more likely to enjoy it
than if you confine yourself to one.
Don't make your life harder than it need be.
October 17: The lessons keep appearing until the learning takes place.
Take a few minutes to look back at your life and see if you can identify some of the patterns that occur
in the area of your relationships, career or health.
It's worth writing down a few sentences to capture elements that repeat themselves. Then ask yourself
the following questions:
If these situations were trying to teach me something, what would it be?
What would my future be like if I had learnt the lessons that are being offered?
If you don't come up with anything, move on. This may not be for you.
If you do see a lesson to be learnt, go back over some past events and think about how they might have
turned out differently if you had already absorbed what you need to know.
October 18: Cheating at drawing.
At school, he was not very good at drawing and had never had his work displayed in the classroom.
One day, having taken two sheets of paper instead of the usual single sheet by mistake, he completed a
drawing. He noticed an outline of the drawing on the second sheet. This gave him an idea and he took a
sheet of paper home and traced over a drawing he liked, so that an outline of it was left on the sheet
underneath. This he then took to school. During the lesson, he traced the outline with his pencil and
submitted the work as his own. After a couple of failed attempts, he had his work selected for display
on the classroom wall. And so it continued for a whole term.
But then he started to feel guilty and decided he would stop cheating. The following term, he drew a
picture without following a previously traced outline and found, to his surprise, that with all the
practice, his drawing skills had improved considerably. And after a few weeks he had a piece of work
selected for display.
David Gordon
Sometimes, you have to practice in an artificially created situation in order to learn how to deal with
something. "Fake it till you make it". Pretend anger in order to learn how to stop being angry.
Demonstrate feelings of love, even when you don't feel loving.
The skill will develop gradually and what you had to simulate in order to practice will become truly
your own.
What I do know is that my relationships work better when I assume this to be true. I am less likely to
get upset and more likely to meet the needs of the person or persons with whom I am interacting. As a
result, I end up having a better time with them.
Could this be true for you as well?
There is a theory that there are other civilizations out there that are far more advanced than ours. They
began tens of thousands of years before ours did and have, therefore, had more time to evolve. The
truth is, they started no more than fifteen minutes before and the reason they are so much more
advanced is because they never had to rush to appointments.
Woody Allen
I can remember being advised to take time to read carefully through exam question papers before
starting to write the answers. I recall how difficult I found this, because the urge to make "progress"
was so great. And yet, it is excellent advice in a world where we live as if fifteen minutes would make
all the difference.
So, why not take that time now to sit and think about the rest of your day and the difference it could
make if you decided not to rush?
Some things might not get done, but that's perfectly all right. The world and those close to you will
survive.
"You always seem so calm." (Like a duck; I'm paddling furiously below the surface of the water.)
"You don't contribute." (Actually, I do, but you just don't notice.)
Now, turn this around and list some assumptions you make about other people, particularly, those close
to you. Turn the assumptions into questions and check them out with the person involved:
"Do you always feel as calm as you seem on the outside?"
"Do you feel your contributions are acknowledged and appreciated?"
It's interesting how easy it is to feel misunderstood and how it's more difficult to accept that we might
be misunderstanding others.
They are rarely words of criticism, hardly ever words spoken in anger. They are the things we tend to
say in the heat of the moment. But for some reason that is common to so many people, particularly in
Western society, it's the expressions of love, the words of congratulations and support that we hold back
and, when it is too late, regret not voicing.
Today, you could change that.
November 7: When you disagree about the present, don't bring up the past.
This could be Rule No. 1 in the book of How to Have a Constructive Argument. It applies to
disagreements with your partner, spouse, friend, parent and child, among others.
We all know the phrase, "Forgive and forget". While there's a lot to be said for forgiveness, forgetting is
more problematic. So, you may not be able to forget past differences with others. But that does not
mean you should keep reminding yourself or them about those differences.
Not every argument can be resolved to the satisfaction of each of the individuals concerned, but
throwing up the bitter residue of past events merely reduces the likelihood of arriving at a solution.
Now, you don't have any control over how the other person involved in the argument behaves. You
could, however, control your own responses to the situation. You don't have to play the game of
dredging up the past if you don't want to.
You can see this as an irritatingly simplistic view of life. On the other hand, it can make a difference in
how you respond to the next person you interact with.
from where you are rather than from where they are and is willing and able to travel down the same
road with you.
Today, you can both be a friend and accept friendship.
This seems just a very silly story, until I remember all the times I have tidied up my desk rather than
face a difficult issue.
Some people spend money or have a drink to make themselves feel better.
Thats about as sensible as looking for your keys where the light is best rather than where you actually
dropped them.
November 22: What do you value most in life and in what ways are you betraying it?
This is not meant to be a "beat-yourself-up" type of question, but one that leads yougently, I hope
to a higher standard of values by which to operate.
How can you live today, keeping more in line with your values?
A woman goes to see the doctor, lifts up her right arm and says,
November 24: If you only had one hour to live and one call to make, who would you phone, what
would you say and why are you waiting?
None of us lives forever. Nor can we know when our time will come.
So, if there is something that needs to be said, particularly, if it is loving and supportive, say it. NOW!
The partner, parent, child, brother or sister, for whom you harbor loving feelings you havent expressed
in a while: Just tell them how you feel about them Why are you waiting?
So, choose a statement, perhaps, from the list below, and resolve to repeat it with feeling and,
preferably, out loud, twenty times a day in two sessions of ten times each. Give each repetition as much
emphasis as possible. Make yourself sound convincing. If it hasn't made a difference a month from
now, try something else. But you won't need to, because this will work.
I love and accept myself and this allows me to grow.
I have the right to feel the way I do, and I can choose to feel differently.
I have the qualities I need to deal with any problems I face.
The students come up with various answers which run along the following lines of you always have
more time than you think.
"The lesson," says the lecturer "is that it only works if you put the big rocks in first."
Its not for anyone else to tell you what your "big rocks" are or should be. You need to decide that. But
it is fair to ask if they get the priority they deserve.
Amazingly, the routine of life always seems to get done or of it doesn't it never really seems to matter
as much as we thought it would.
A week and, in some cases, a lifetime, can easily pass without time being given to things that are
important.
on to negative thoughts and feelings, you might transform your life and, perhaps, the life of someone
you love.
However, if you stop there, your journey is incomplete. The purpose of looking back is not to
understand, but to change, and this requires action in the here and now.
You may need the understanding to make the plan, but without taking action, it's like buying a train
ticket and staying on the platform.
What action do you need to take today?
December 6: How would you live, if you were going to live for a thousand years? What would you
do, if you were going to die tonight?
These are two very different perspectives on life. Both can be useful in creating the balance you might
need between the immediate and the long term.
Consider the following idea: Something which threatens your life is a problem; everything else is an
inconvenience.
December 7: The farmer and the horse.
A woman farmer owns a horse which is admired by all and sundry. One day, it escapes and her friends
express their regret over her loss. "Things happen," is her response to the situation, and within a few
days, the horse returns with a number of horses in tow. Her friends express their pleasure at this new
turn of events. "Things happen," says the farmer, and a few days later, her son breaks his leg trying to
tame one of the new horses. Again, her response to this mishap is, "Things happen." A few days after
that, when the recruiting army comes to the village, her son is spared enlistment because of his injury...
And so it goes on.
You may never know the true meaning of an event, favourable or unfavourable, until long after it has
taken place.
Looking back, I suspect some of your greatest problems have given you your best lessons and what you
initially thought was good news may have turned out to be a mixed blessing.
How many of your tasks in life would be completed more quickly and, perhaps, with less effort, if you
broached them in a positive frame of mind? However, this can take time to achieve and, sometimes,
you just have to plough ahead and get things done because of time constraints.
More often than you think, you can take the time to care for yourselves first, to spend more time in
planning a task so that youll need to spend less time on its execution.
December 12: What action can you take today that in six months time you will be pleased you
took?
It could be a decision you make and start acting on, a person you call, something you let go of or
someone you sever ties with.
It could be a book you order or a holiday you book.
It could be planning a theatre trip or a social event.
The important thing is to take the action now, even though the benefits may not be apparent for some
months.
Its great to live in the here and now, but its also true that some things demand long-term planning.
Getting the balance right is one of the most important skills in life.
A lady in her nineties was asked once, "Do you ever stop worrying about your children?"
She replied, "Well, I worried less about my son once I got him into an old peoples home."
Not everyone is a parent, but everyone has been a child. Most people will have parents who are still
alive. Whatever situation you are in, it's important to remember that parents never stop worrying about
their children, even if they tell you thats not the case. The bond is just too strong.
So, the message to parents is that these feelings are a part of life. Don't wait for them to go away.
The message for offspring, regardless of their age, is that parents are usually more concerned for them
than they let on.
Perhaps, you could reach out today to offer them some reassurance and express your gratitude for all
theyve been to you.
December 16: Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you.
Often, you can't control what happens to you, but you can exercise some influence over your reactions
to them.
It's not an easy area to operate in, where you need to react positively in a world that is often negative,
but it's a significant area of personal freedom.
A reliable guide is a situation where an old problem crops up in a new relationship or emerges in more
than one relationship at the same time. You can, in such cases, be reasonably sure that it's about you,
not other people.
The good news is that relationships can offer ample scope for healing, affording both partners the
opportunity to nurture each other and grow.
To bring this about, however, you can't blame your partner for anything that isnt working out. You
have to take direct responsibility for the problems in your life.
enjoyment of the experience that depends, to an extent, on the unpredictability of its outcome, on not
knowing in advance what happens next.
And yet, when it comes to life, some people go to great pains to avoid surprises and the uncertainty
they imply. This may mean that they don't have to deal with disappointment they hadnt anticipated, but
it also means that they miss out on unexpected delights.
Life is uncertain. Enjoy the fact that you can't read the future.
Life will always be too short, however long you live.
December 23: If there were nothing wrong in the world, there wouldn't be anything for you to do.
Problems are a sign of life. Your journey will always involve dealing with problems and, yes, death is
the only destination.
Don't waste your life dreaming of a time when all your problems will be behind you.
Take action on the ones you encounter, but also accept that this will only create space for more.
Work towards making your problems more manageable instead of trying to create a life without any.
Write down five happy experiences in your life (or five relatively happy ones for those of you who
don't yet view life in positive terms) and examine them to find out what, if anything, they have in
common.
For the future, you might consider trying to experience more of what shows up from this exercise.