8 Ways Narcissists Are Like Cult Leaders

by Kim Saeed
Many people whove gotten out of a relationship with a narcissist describe their experience as one of
having been brainwashed. When they recall how they acted in ways that were so unlike them, and
how they put up with things they never imagined they would endure, they look back on their past
experience with a sense of astonishment, disbelief, and shock, as well as more than a little
embarrassment and self-recrimination.
For this reason, survivors of such toxic relationships tend to keep their experiences to themselves,
fearing that if they shared what theyve undergone, other people would find them nave, gullible, and
foolish. After all, who in their right mind would stay wholeheartedly committed to someone who is
deceitful, unfaithful, abusive, controlling and manipulative?
But survivors of narcissistic abuse might gain a more helpful perspective on their regrettable past if they
consider what might seem surprising at first blush that narcissists employ on their partners many of
the very same techniques of mind control that cult leaders use in order to control and manipulate
their followers. And while the ideas of mind control and brainwashing have often been dismissed by the
psychological community, there appears now to be a growing awareness that the phenomenon of
psychological manipulation demands more serious investigation.1
But whether we speak of brainwashing and mind control, or merely of psychological manipulation,
theres no denying the fact that narcissistic individuals and cult leaders share a common repertoire of
underhanded psychological techniques that they use in order to win over and control their targets, all
while exploiting them in ways that ultimately do deep damage to their psyches. In this article, I present
eight ways in which narcissistic individuals operate like a stereotypical cult leader.
The Cult-ure of Narcissism
When considering the mechanisms of mind control, we shouldnt imagine that it is a matter of the victim
instantly losing all free will and suddenly becoming a mere puppet at the command of the narcissist or
cult leader. Rather, mind control is something that is gradually brought about in victims after they are
subjected - over time - to a set of manipulative psychological techniques that are designed to change
their behavior and alter their perception of the world around them.2 These techniques can be described
as (1) building rapport, (2) love bombing, (3) isolating the victim, (4) playing the parent, (5) deterring
independent thought, (6) sleep deprivation, (7) employing fear and intimidation, and finally (8) the game
of hurt and rescue. Lets briefly consider each of these manipulative techniques.
Recently, the American Psychological Association was called upon to form a task force to investigate the
purported phenomenon of mind control in destructive cults. (n.d.). Retrieved January 10, 2017, from
http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov02/cults.aspx. The phenomenon of psychological manipulation has been studied
by several prominent psychologists, including Robert Hare, George Simon, and the late Harriet Braiker
1

Braiker, Harriet B. (2004). Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation. ISBN 0-07-144672-

1 Building Rapport
In their efforts to recruit new members, cult leaders are eager to learn all they can about their targets so
that they can later use the information they acquire in order to control their victims; and in order to get
their targets to open up to them, they need to build rapport with them. They accomplish this by
presenting themselves are caring individuals that share the same interests and concerns as their targets.
They are skilled actors. They lean forward as they listen intently to their targets words and they study
their targets non-verbal behavior and try to mimic it in order to further create the impression of a
kindred soul and thereby gain the victims trust.
People who have gotten involved with a narcissist (or other low-empathy individual) invariably note how
that person seemed to show genuine concern for them in the initial stages of the relationship. Like the
cult leader, the narcissist is eager to learn all he can about his potential victim so that he can later
exploit whatever vulnerabilities he may uncover. This helps to explain why the narcissist appears so
sweet, considerate and caring early in the relationship. Its their way of building trust and getting their
targets to open up to them.
The narcissist likewise feigns shared interests, emotions, and experiences in order to create the illusion
of being a kindred soul or even the soul mate of their target. They try to mimic as best they can the
person they are grooming as their partner, and because narcissists fundamentally lack an inner-self,
they are good at mirroring their potential new supply. In these ways, they are thus able to begin
eliciting a strong sense of attachment from their victims.
2 Love Bombing
Love bombing is an attempt to gain influence over a person through lavish demonstrations of attention
and affection 3. It is a concentrated effort that involves the prolonged use of flattery, verbal seduction,
and affection, as well as lots of attention to a targets problems and struggles in life. Love bombing
holds out to its victim the promise of instant companionship and unconditional love. It is a deceptive
ploy that cult leaders employ all too well in their recruitment efforts. A member of a cult called
Buddhafield (which disbanded around 2006) well captured the experience in remarking, "Constantly,
your soul was being fed with love and inspiration and awe." 4
Love Bombing is likewise used by predatory narcissists in their intimate relationships, where it takes the
form of intense, unrelenting calls and text messages, flowers and other gifts, invitations to meet the
family, requests to move in together, and the inundation of their targets social media sites with cutesy,
flirty messages which will often begin within hours of the first meeting.
The general technique of love-bombing promotes the narcissists goals of control and exploitation by
effectively disabling the targets capacity for critical thought and encouraging their inclination toward
wishful thinking. The need for love is a deep-seated human desire and we go to great lengths to try and
satisfy it. So, when people find themselves being subjected to an overwhelming amount of love and
acceptance, they are reluctant to examine the reasons why, since they are subconsciously afraid of
3

Love bombing. (n.d.). Retrieved January 12, 2017, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing

Holy Hell Documentary. (n.d.). Retrieved January 18, 2017, from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5278464/

losing what theyve long been desperately looking for. Over time, and used in combination with other
techniques, love bombing results in the target abandoning their critical capacities altogether and
becoming blindly dependent upon their manipulator for their view of things.
3 Isolation
The technique of Isolation is employed by cult leaders to prevent their followers from having contact
with outsiders, including their family and friends. The tactics they use to isolate their targets are usually
presented in the guise of a concern to protect the group from harmful outside influences. In reality, the
technique is designed to ensure that their followers are exposed only to the cult leaders own perverse
propaganda without any critical scrutiny, and more generally to make their targets more dependent on
the cult leader by eliminating other sources of support and affection. In the Buddhafield, members
were instructed to detach from their families in order to bring them closer to the leader (who called
himself Michel) and the gifts of love and wisdom that he had to offer.
Similarly, narcissists try to isolate their partners in order to deprive them of social support, thereby
weakening their defenses and making them more dependent on the narcissist. Of course, this is not
how the narcissist will present the matter. Instead, the target will initially hear seemingly innocent
comments like these: I get lonely when youre not here, I wish you would spend more time with me,
I dont have a good feeling about that friend of yours, Your sister doesnt seem to like me. (Later,
when the narcissist feels more in control and starts to show his true colors, these comments
become: Your friends are bitches and whores, Youre a slut, just like your sister, Everyone knows
that you and your friends are trash, Are you having a lesbian relationship with that friend of yours?)
Eventually, under the pressure of the narcissists wheedling and abuse, the victim withdraws from his or
her family and circle of friends, leaving him or her wholly dependent on the narcissist for love, support,
and perspective.
4 - Playing the Parent
We all carry with us memories from childhood of feeling helpless and turning to our parents for comfort.
Involvement with a cult or a relationship with a narcissist can reduce us again to the level of a vulnerable
child, which is precisely what they want, since they can then step in as the parent figure that we
instinctively turn to in such a condition. And once theyve assumed that role in our lives, they can then
start to dominate us in the manner of an overbearing parent.
Many women whove had a Narcissistic partner report that their abuser dictated what they wore, who
they could be friends with (if anyone), gave them a curfew, insisted they wear little to no makeup,
sneered at them if they fixed their hair, and generally wanted them to appear unkempt. Female
narcissists may insist on a particular (unbecoming) hairstyle for their partner or make them feel theyre
clumsy and unrefined, pointing out things like how they use their silverware or carry themselves in
public.
These requests are sometimes conveyed in a civil, diplomatic way. Other times, the Narcissist rages and
shouts until their target acquiesces. Psychological studies have shown that such things as tone of voice,
mannerisms, and other non-verbal behaviors play an important role in communication. What typically
happens when someone talks to us as if they were our parent, in a fatherly or motherly tone of voice?
Chances are it will start to influence and shape our mindset, our feelings for the person speaking in this

way, and our emotions in general! Manipulators are aware of these things and adept in transporting
another adult back to a state of childhood with its associated emotions of wanting to please and feel
loved and be accepted.
In studying manipulators, Robert Cialdini found that they were doing subtle and barely noticeable things
to influence the emotions of their targets by, for instance, creating in them a sense of obligation,
fostering in them a fear of loss, and making them feel a sense of subservience. Most targets are
unaware that this is going on, and since this form of psychological manipulation generally works outside
of peoples normal consciousness it is often incredibly powerful.
David Christopher, an apostate from the Buddhafield cult, likened his programming within the group to
the typical programming that one experiences in childhood.
Your own family has a way of being, and you grow up in that programming, and theres a language that
you use, and a lot of times your parents have an idea of what you should be, and if you want to have an
independent thought that goes against that, you might be guilted or shamed because youre trying to go
against the grain, Christopher continued. That is a cult. What I often tell people is, I joined a cult to
escape a cult. The cult I left was my family. I left my not-so-good programming for a programming I
thought was better. And it was better, much higher. But then I had to leave that programming only to
find my own authenticity and my own voice, without anybody elses conditioning. For me, thats
empowerment. 5
5 - Opposition to Independent Thinking
Cult leaders frown upon members who show any inclinations towards autonomous thinking. The
thinking, so to say, has already been done for them by the cult leader; the appropriate response is
simply to submit. Any questioning of the leader is treated as a flaw of character and intellect that must
be corrected if the member is ever to attain the gifts that the leader has to offer.
Likewise, failure to see things the way the narcissist does is taken by them to be a challenge to their
sense of intellectual superiority. Anytime you voice concerns about their behaviors, you are viewed not
as a loving friend who has their best interests in mind, but instead as a troublesome whiner who needs
to be brought into line.
Narcissists dont care about the wants or needs of anyone but themselves, and in order to make you a
better tool to serve their needs they try to make you to believe that youre not intelligent enough to
make important decisions on your own. Anyone who questions or criticizes them is viewed as an
enemy who is wrongheaded and incapable of clear, logical thinking. Like cult leaders, they use
humiliation and guilt to instill self-doubt in their targets and thus weaken their capacity to think for
themselves. Typical remarks that the narcissist uses in this connection include: You are listening to the
voices again, You lie to yourself and believe your own lies, Remember what happened last time we
went with your idea?, or Its cute how you want to be as smart as me.

Standard, P. (2016, July 05). How to Escape From a Cult in the 21st Century. Retrieved January 22, 2017, from
https://psmag.com/how-to-escape-from-a-cult-in-the-21st-century-d3778a8f7b30#.p6wu0gejt

6 Sleep Deprivation
Getting regular, restful sleep helps you stay focused and in control of yourself. Your body uses sleep to
refresh areas of the brain that control mood and behavior, and to process the memories and knowledge
that you gathered throughout the day. When a person is deprived of wholesome rest and severe fatigue
sets in, their critical faculties are impaired and they become more susceptible to being controlled by
others. (In fact, under these conditions the brain enters into what is called the theta state that is
closely associated with hypnosis.)
Sleep deprivation is a popular technique used by shady cops to coerce false confessions. Its also a
common technique of mind control used by unscrupulous cult leaders. By depriving their followers of
healthy rest, the cult leader decreases their ability to concentrate and focus and impairs their ability to
process information and react to signals in the environment, all of which encourages disorientation and
a sense of vulnerability in the victims, leaving them more susceptible to the cult leaders controlling
influence.
Similarly, we see that narcissists often do things that serve to deprive their partners of healthy sleep,
such as starting arguments at a late hour. They frequently deploy this technique in situations where
their partner is already a little on edge, for instance, in the lead-up to a high-stakes meeting or exam, or
before an important speech or job interview. For this reason, in depriving their partners of sleep, the
narcissist not only leaves their partners in a less self-confident state, but also effectively sabotages their
projects. The result is that the victim is left feeling not only disoriented and vulnerable, but also
worthless, especially when the narcissist turns around and rubs the resulting failure in the face of the
victim.
7 Fear and Intimidation
Cult leaders are also experts in exploiting the basic human emotion of fear. They tend to surround
themselves with an aura of power and authority. Some will claim to have divine authority to dictate
virtually all aspects of the lives of their followers. Their attempt to secure the loyalty and obedience of
their followers is enhanced by not-so-subtle threats to their physical and spiritual well-being for any acts
of disobedience or nonconformity. For example, a former member of Buddhafield was told that he
would die within a year if he chose to leave to group.
Similarly, cult leaders will foster the more insidious fears associated with the feeling of guilt by putting
their followers down for any traits or behaviors that are associated with independence and selfconfidence. To this end, cult leaders will often insist upon having cleansing sessions where members
are required to confess their deepest and most intimate thoughts, since this allows the cult leader to
gain the information he needs to instill feelings of guilt and worthlessness. As a result, members lose
self-confidence and feel helpless, making obedience seem like a small price to pay for the salvation
that the leader has to offer.
In a similar fashion, former victims of narcissistic abuse often lament about how their narcissist took the
sensitive information gained from intimate conversations information about their deepest fears and
desires or about their feelings of worthlessness -- and used it against them, either by threatening to
humiliate their partners by exposing this information to others in a smear campaign, or simply by

making their victims feel guilty for having what are in fact common but often concealed human
sentiments.
8 - Fear-then-Relief, or Hurt and Rescue
This final tactic likewise preys on the emotion of fear. Here, the manipulator causes their target a great
deal of stress or anxiety and then steps in to relieve that stress, reinforcing the idea that he or she is the
victims one true savior. For instance, cult leaders us the fear of ostracization to keep group members in
check, rewarding them with acceptance in exchange for their compliance. The most common tactic
used by the Narcissist along these lines is the silent treatment, which evokes the targets fear of
abandonment, which the narcissist can then relieve with his return. The silent treatment is executed by
the Narcissist when his or her victim attempts to establish a boundary or shows displeasure at
something the Narcissist says or does, such as taking another lover, having a porn obsession, being
financially irresponsible, or being mean to children in the household.
Repeated cycles of fear and relief are emotionally exhausting. When the Narcissist returns after these
numerous episodes of the silent treatment, their victim is emotionally defenseless and more prone to
accepting the unacceptable to avoid having their fear of abandonment triggered yet again. It often
leads to the victim begging for the Narcissist to stay and offering apologies even when the victim has
done no wrong. (This fear-and-relief cycle, together with the phenomena of trauma-bonding and
biological addiction, explains why victims of emotional abuse experience cravings and obsessive
thoughts about reuniting with the narcissist once No Contact has been implemented.)
Emotional Manipulation is Abuse
The above discussion has merely scratched the surface of the techniques of emotional manipulation that
are used by both narcissists and cult leaders.
If you constantly wonder about whats going on in your relationship, obsess about what you could be
doing differently, feel like the problems with your partner fall solely on your shoulders, are constantly
fearful and anxious and feeling like less of a person than before you met your partner, then its highly
likely you have been the victim of emotional manipulation.
Narcissists know how to manipulate your vulnerabilities and undermine anything that will alter the
balance of power inside your relationship with them. Recovery from the psychological, emotional,
mental and spiritual abuse of a relationship with a narcissist is imperative for you to put yourself and
your life back together.
Leave and Deprogram What you can do
The longer a target suffers through narcissistic abuse, the more they are programmed through the
conditioning of insidious techniques of psychological manipulation. Once you finally leave the narcissist,
you will still feel chronically detached from yourself and your life for a time. You can even find yourself
missing your abuser, and feeling a lot of self-doubt because of that. But, in closing, I share seven ways
you can begin to deprogram yourself in order to regain self-trust and diminish self-doubt in the
aftermath of narcissistic abuse:

1. Get into a counseling or recovery program. Many communities offer free counseling in a group
setting and sometimes they even offer free one-to-one counseling for victims of domestic
abuse.
2. Tell yourself positive affirmations daily. Telling yourself what a smart, loving, beautiful, and
capable person that you are while looking in the mirror will eventually reprogram your thinking
and help you feel good about yourself again.
3. Read self-help books about abuse recovery and finding the courage to trust your own judgment.
4. Go with the flow of the healing process. Dont rush yourself or be hard on yourself when you
feel doubt creeping in.
5. Reevaluate your needs in a partner. Make a list of the absolute must-haves and no-ways and
dont settle for anything less. When considering a new potential partner, ask yourself if he/she
exhibits those traits.
6. Focus on listening to your inner voice and keep it positive. This is a great time to incorporate
positive affirmations into your daily routine.
7. Join the Essential No Contact Bootcamp. Dramatically increase your chances of maintaining No
Contact; have a better understanding of why you feel an unbearable urge to go back to a toxic
partner; connect with the real reasons why you break No Contact and then heal them for good.
Learning the warning signs of psychological manipulation inside relationships with narcissists is very
important. Knowledge is power, so empowering yourself to see the warning signs listed above can
encourage you to overcome your fear of falling victim again.
Copyright 2017 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach