Zoe Gilmartin

Mrs. Spanier
Engilish
per.4 I woke up to the sound of miss Vasiliev screaming, Alright ladies its time
to get up I dont care if youre tired! I groaned and tried desperately to fall back asleep,
my friends came over to my bed and jumping on me said, Tati its time to get up youre
going to get hit with the stick and put into the room! Im not feeling too well. Sure put
me into the room I wont have to do anything in there. I mumbled with a nervous but
sick voice. As I started to fall asleep, I heard giant angry footsteps coming up the
creaking stairs. I jumped out of the bed got my shoes on and spoke to myself, Thats
the fastest Ive ever gotten up! Its my birthday soon, Ill be turning 11, that will mean
Ive been living at this orphanage for 10 years and 8 months. Here, when you have a
birthday nothing happens, no one celebrates and you dont get Tula Gingerbread (its
my favorite dessert). Tula Gingerbread originates from a place called Tula. Its not close
to anything really, except for Moscow but thats 120 miles away from Tula. I've gotten
used to this harsh environment but always hoping to get adopted. Not many girls have
gotten adopted, actually for all the years Ive been here only eigtht girls have gotten
adopted. About each year we get we get at least one new young lady, or baby girl. This
is an all girls orphanage.
Tati what in the world are you doing right now? Miss Vasiliev said with a low
scolding voice that will scare the bright day out of anyone!
I answered, u.mmm...mm.. Im just going to clean the bathroom, miss.
Alright thats what I thought.
I have this necklace from my parents its beautiful. I don't remember when I got it
of course but they gave me a note and I keep it in a small fragile box where I know it will

be safe. The necklace is a blood red egg, very glossy and very glittery. The red egg
resembles easter in the Russian tradition. Ive always wonderedbeen wondering about
my parents and what happened to them. My necklace is a locket and has a picture of
my mother and father. From what Ive seen, my parents seemed like lovely people and
very friendly, it's almost like they have a warm welcoming smile that will please anyone.
Come down and eat, and once finished get ready for bed. We are going to have
a long day tomorrow.
Aas we all come down the stairs hungry as can be, miss Vasiliev comes up to me
and asks to meet her in her office. At this moment I'm scared when you get called into
her office it could mean one of two things, either you're in big trouble or there is very
good news.
Tatiana I got a call today and a family wants to come in and adopt you. Mmiss
vasiliev said with a calm quiet voice.
Oh my, oh my, this is very exciting when will I be picked, up, where am I moving
to? I said breathlessly fastly mumbling my words.
Well it will take about 3-5 days to get the papers signed and depending on
where you are moving to you might need to get a passport.
Oh, ok. Wwell, better late than never. Ii said with a little laugh.
Three days have passed and Im still in the process of getting my passport, all of
the adoption papers have been singed. Im moving to America and thats going to be
very interesting.
I'm twelve now, it's been a year living in Aamerica it's hard. I still don't have
friends and im being bullied for my accent and the way I pronounce Eenglish words.

I've told my friend Jjasmine about my necklace she says that she is very fascinated and
wants to help me find out who my parents really are.
Hey tati, there is this website I found called know your family tree.
we can use that to find my parents, well find out who they are?. I said with a
curious voice.
Yes just type in your information about all you know about your parents even just
their names will do.
Ook, let's start this tomorrow in the library. ill see you at school, bye. another
day of being bullied except today this reall y nice boy stood up for me and told the mean girls
too back off and stop hurting my feelings. Tatiana right?, Ii'm Jjoel, don't worry about them
they're just jealous. You are very pretty and have a nice unique voice.
Oh... haha. Tthank you, that was very nice of you to stand up for me.
For sure, no problem.
me and jasmine spent four days straight going to the library after school just to find out
my parents background. Joel started to help me and jasmine. I was finding more friends and
getting close to them. I found out that my parents were both drafted in the war happening in
america and he was fighting for our country and my mom was a nurse in the army to help
wounded soldiers. They both died from a bomb attack and were first reported as a missing in
action situation. My aunt that helped raise me before I was out into the orphanage is still alive
and liveds in Rrussia. I got a hold of her and i'm moving back with her. It's been a week since I
found my aunts number and i'm getting ready to pack and leave later today.
I will miss you so so much. Uhhhhhhh tati dont leave me! said jasmine with a loud cry.
Oh Jasmine I will miss you too dont worry I will keep in touch with you. Joel it was nice getting
to know you. I finally got the life I had been hoping for, my close friends got adopted by my aunt
and we are a nice happy family now.

Rubric rating submitted on: 11/21/2016, 8:58:59 AM by alyssaball@solvangstudents.org

10

IDEAS AND
EVIDENCE
Your score: 8

The introduction
establishes a
strong narrative
context: it clearly
establishes an
engaging problem,
situation, and
setting.Characters
are compelling,
with fully
developed traits
and motivations.
The narrative
provides helpful
background to
explain
events.Descriptive
details, realistic
dialogue, and
reflection bring the
narrative to life for
the reader.

The introduction
establishes some
context but could
do more to
engage the reader
with the problem,
situation, or
setting. Most
characters are
compelling, but
one or two could
be more fully
developed. Helpful
background is
needed to explain
one or two events.
Descriptive details
and dialogue
generally create a
strong mental
picture for the
reader.

The introduction
establishes a
weak context; it
only hints at a
situation, problem
or setting. Many
characters are in
need of more
development.
More helpful
background is
needed
throughout the
narrative. A few
descriptive details
create lively
scenes, but most
details are
ordinary; dialogue
is lacking.

The introduction
does not establish
a narrative context
for the reader.
Characters are
undeveloped; they
have no clear
descriptions or
motivations.
Necessary
background is
missing.Details
and dialogue are
unrelated or
missing.

ORGANIZATION
Your score: 8

Each of the plot

stages (exposition,
rising action,
climax, falling
action, and
resolution) is fully
developed. The
organization is
effective; ideas
are arranged
logically. The pace
is effective.
Transitions
successfully
connect ideas and
show the
sequence of
events.

Most of the plot

stages (exposition,
rising action,
climax, falling
action, and
resolution) are
developed, but
one or two could
be improved. The
organization of
ideas generally is
logical; the
sequence of
events is
confusing in a few
places. At times,
the pace is too
slow or too fast. A
few more
transitions are
needed to clarify
the sequence of

Several of the plot

stages (exposition,
rising action,
climax, falling
action, and
resolution) are
weak. The
organization of
ideas often
doesn’t
follow a pattern,
and the sequence
of events is
confusing in
several places.
The pace overall
is either too slow
or too fast. More
transitions are
needed
throughout to
clarify the

The plot does not

have clear stages
of exposition,
rising action,
climax, falling
action, or
resolution. The
narrative is not
organized;
information and
details are
presented
randomly. The
pace is ineffective
throughout.
Transitions are not
used, making the
narrative difficult
to understand.

events.

sequence of
events.

LANGUAGE
Your score: 8

One point of view

is used creatively
and consistently
throughout the
narrative. Sensory
language,
imagery, and
figurative
language are used
creatively to
describe people,
places, and events
in vivid ways.
Sentence
beginnings,
lengths, and
structures vary
and have a
rhythmic flow.
Spelling,
capitalization, and
punctuation are
correct. Grammar
and usage are
correct.

The narrative point

of view shifts in
one or two places.
More sensory
language,
imagery, or
figurative
language are
needed to
describe some
people, places,
and events.
Sentence
beginnings,
lengths, and
structures vary
somewhat.
Several spelling,
capitalization, and
punctuation
mistakes occur.
Some grammatical
and usage errors
are repeated in
the narrative.

The narrative point

of view shifts in
many places. The
narrative lacks
sensory language,
figurative
language, and
imagery in many
key parts.
Sentence
structures barely
vary, and some
fragments or runon sentences are
present. Spelling,
capitalization, and
punctuation are
often incorrect but
do not interfere
with reading the
narrative.
Grammar and
usage are
incorrect in many
places.

The narrative
lacks a consistent
point of view.
Sensory language,
figurative
language, and
imagery are not
used. Repetitive
sentence
structure,
fragments, and
run-on sentences
make the writing
hard to follow.
Spelling,
capitalization, and
punctuation are
incorrect
throughout. Many
grammatical and
usage errors
change the
meaning of the
writer’s
ideas.

FORMAT
Your score: 6

Text is size 12
font. Title is no
bigger than size
14. Font style is
either Cambria,
Arial, or Times
New Roman. The
line spacing is
double with no
extra spaces
between
paragraphs. There
is a heading in the
right-hand corner
including
student&teacher's
name, the subject
and period, and
the date of

Text is size 12
font. Title is no
bigger than size
14. Font style is
either Cambria,
Arial, or Times
New Roman. The
line spacing is not
double or has
extra spaces
between
paragraphs. There
is a heading in the
right-hand corner
including most of
the following
components:
student's name,
teacher's name,

Text is size 12
font. Title is bigger
than size 14. Font
style is not either
Cambria, Arial, or
Times New
Roman. The line
spacing is not
double and has
extra spaces
between
paragraphs. There
is a heading in the
right-hand corner
missing some of
the following
components:
student's name,
teacher's name,

Text is size is not

12 font. Title is
bigger than size
14. Font style is
not either
Cambria, Arial, or
Times New
Roman. The line
spacing is not
double and has
extra spaces
between
paragraphs. There
is no heading in
the right-hand
corner or heading
is mossing most of
the following
components:

submission. Essay
is no less than 2
pages and no
more than 3.

the subject and

period, and the
date of
submission. Essay
is either less than
2 pages or more
than 3.

the subject and

period, and the
date of
submission. Essay
is either less than
2 pages or more
than 3.

student's name,
teacher's name,
the subject and
period, and the
date of
submission. Essay
lenghth is
insufficient.

Comments:
You had a very strong beginning to your story. There were a few parts that you quickly went
over that could have used more development. There were also many capitalization errors. Take
your time when proofreading.