Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Atty. Abe: [To his Wife] I come home when I want to, I will go anywhere I like and
when I come home, I want my meals ready! Is that understood?
Maldita: Okay, that is not a problem to me. But I want to have sex at 7 p.m.
everyday, whether you are here or not!
EXTENSIVE TESTS
Maldita consulted a sex therapist regarding her problem.
Maldita: Doctor, paano ko malalaman na sex maniac ako kasi lagi akung binibiro na
ganyan daw ako ng mga kaibigan ko?
Doctor: Marami tayung gagawin na tests iha. Pero bago ang lahat, please bitiwan
mo munba ang itlog ko!
PARKER PEN
Abe: (To the salesgirl) Miss pabili nga Parker pen.
Saleslady: Sorry po sir, wala po kaming tindang ballpen dito.
Abe: My God! Anung klaseng Penshoppe ito na walang tindang ballpen!
KALOKOHAN!
Doctor: Bago ka pumunta dito, may nauna ka na bang pinagkunsultahan tungkol sa
sakit mo?
Abe: Sa albularyo po.
Doctor: Anung KALOKOHAN ang pinayo sa iyo?
Abe:Pupunta raw ako sa iyo dok!
HUBBYS PICTURE
Atty. Abe saw his picture being placed by his wife in her bag when going to work.
Atty. Abe: Love, lagi kung nakikita na dinadala mo ang picture ko sa bag mo kapag
pumapasuk ka sa trabaho mo? Bakit?
Jenny: Pag may problema ako, kahit gaano kabigat, mawawala kapag nakikita ko
ang picture mo.
Atty. Abe: Sabi ko na nga ba na talagang mahal na mahal mo ako eh.
Jenny: Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo, tapus sinasabi ko na sa sarili ko na WALA
NANG PROBLEMA NA MAS MAHIGIT PA RITOBABAERO, SUGAROL AT LASENGGERO
at kaya ko nang gawin lahat ng mabibigat na trabaho sa office!
MOTION TO RESET
Atty. Abe has just finished a Motion to Reset his case for tomorrow because of an
urgent family matter to attend to.
Atty. Abe: (to his Visayan Secretary) Ipadala mo nga itong Motion to Reset kay Atty.
Larry para hindi na pupunta sa kaso namin bukas sa RTC Baguio.
Maldita: Sir, ITITIlegram ko ba o IKIKI-ble ko, sir?
Atty. Abe: i-FUCKS mo na lang!
EGG
Atty. Richard was at the the Womens Section of SM Baguio to buy a BRA as a
surprise gift to his girlfriend Maldita.
Salesgirl: Sir, ano ho ang hinahanap nyo?
Atty. Richard: Bra sana para gf ko.
IMPOSIBLE!
Isang araw, napansin ni John na sobrang problemado ang kanyang kaibigan na si
Abe.
John: Mukhang may malalim ata tayung problema pare ah?
Abe: Oo nga pare.
John: Ano yun?
Abe: Pare, nabuntis ko yung sekretarya ko!
John: Di ba sinabi ko nun na hwag kalimutang gagamit ng contraceptives?
Abe: Pare, gumagamit naman ako ng condom lagi!
John: Makinig ka pare at ipapaliwanag ko!
Abe: Sige nga pare at takut akung malaman ito ng kumare mo.
John: May isang lalake na umakyat ng gubat na may dala-dalang payong. Biglang
may sumalubong sa kanya na malaking tigre na akmang papatay sa kanya.
Kinalabit niya ang pindutan ng payung niya at may narinig siyang malakas na tunog
ng baril. Patay ang malaking tigre!
Abe: Hahahaha..Imposible naman yun pare! BAKA MAY IBANG TUMIRA SA TIGRE
PARE!
John: EXACTLY!
NAPANSIN NI MISIS
Misis: Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni Sir mo nung nilabhan mo na may
lipstick eh hindi naman ako naglilipstick ng ganitong kulay?
Inday: Opo maam kaya galit na galit nga po ako. Mukhang niloloko na tayo ni sir
ah?
NAAAWA SA ASAWA
KALANDIAN
In Abes Math Class
Teacher: Abe, kung may 5 akung anak sa una kung boyfriend, 7 anak sa ikalawa
kung boyfriend at 4 na anak sa ikatlo kung boyfriend, meron akung
Abe: KALANDIAN po. Isa kang karengkeng, malandi, haliparot, pokpok, imoral
maam!
Teacher: Get out. Bagsak ka na sa subject ko! hehehe
A DENTISTS ADVICE
Please treat your boyfriend or girlfriend like your toothbrush
Do not let anybody use it while you are still using it.and
CHANGE IT EVERY MONTH! hehehe
Abe: I had sex with your sister Alma. Also with your best friend Mae and her best
friend Joy. Lastly, I had also sex with your widowed mother, Genevieve.
Marie: I know. Please just rest and let the poison work!
HOLIDAY SEASONS
Teacher: Ano ang holiday para sa mga magkakasintahan?
Abe: Valentines Day Maam!
Teacher: Ano naman ang holiday para sa ating mga nanay?
Abe: Mothers Day, Maam.
Teacher: Ano naman ang holiday para sa mga tatay?
Abe: Fathers Day, maam!
Teacher: Ano naman ang holiday ng mga buntis?
Abe: Labor Day po Maam!
Teacher: Ano naman ang tawag sa holiday ng mga binata na walang girlfriend?
Abe: Palm Sunday Maam!
MAGASTOS
Marie: Tama na yang beer na yan. Inum ka ng inom, magastos!
Elmer: Ikaw, make-up ka ng make-up, maastos!
Marie: Alam mo, kaya ako nagmamake-up para laging maganda ako sa iyo!
Elmer: Alam mo ba na kaya lagi akung inom ng inom ng beer para gumanda ka
naman sa paningin ko!
TANING NG BUHAY
Pagkatapus ng kanyang executive check-up, kinausap ng Doctor si Abe:
Doctor: Atty. Abe, I am sorry to tell you that you have brain cancer. May taning na
ang buhay mo at ang pinakamatagal ay anim na buwan.
Abe: Wala na bang pag-asa Doctor?Ano po ang maganda kung gagawin?
Doctor: Mag-asawa ka ng pangit at bungangera.
Abe: Bakit Doctor, gagaling ba ako pag pangit at bungangera ang mapapangasawa
ko?
Doctor: Hindi. Pero pag ganun ang mapapangasawa mo, hindi na masakit ang
mamatay kasi mas mabuti pa ang mamatay kaysa mabuhay!hehehe
Auggie: My son is the top cardiologist at St. Lukes. His patients include the top
CEOs of the biggest corporations in the country. His income is over P5M per month.
He gifted his girlfriend a vacation house in Baguio City worth P20M! He gives his gf
P100,000 monthly allowance.
Larry, one of their closest classmates 20 years ago was very sad and was not
talking. They asked him about his only son.
Larry. I am very sad to tell you that my only son did not finished college. He is gay
but appears to be a perfectly-beautiful woman though he has not undergone sex
change. He has no work but gives me P50,000.00 per month as my allowance. One
of his bfs gifted him a 2013 Red Porsche Carrera which he drives around the city
plus monthly allowance. He lives at the most expensive penthouse at The Bellagio
in Global City which was a gift from another boyfriend who also gives him P100,000
monthly allowance and if he is tired of the heat and pollution in Metro Manila, he
goes to his P20M mansion in Baguio City which was a gift from another bf who like
the other two (2), does not know that he is a man!
SEXUAL HARASSMENT?
Yesterday, Ms. Maldita, the very beautiful and sexy secretary of a middle-aged
lawyer in Baguio came to my office to engage my legal services in filing a criminal
case against her boss.
Maldita: Attorney, I want to engage yourlegal services. I want to file a criminal case
against my boss, Atty. Jack Ibagbaga.
Atty. Larry: Anung kaso Miss?
Maldita: Sexual harassment, Attorney!
Atty. Larry: Bakit sexual harassment?
Maldita: Sinabihan nya ba naman akung ang bango ng buhok mo!
Atty. Larry: Eh anung masama nyan? In fact, he was praising you.
Maldita: Attorney, unano ang boss ko! Unano!hehehehe
SAYINGS TO LIVE BY
1. Birds of the same feather are definitely the same birds;
2. Do not do unto others what you cant do;
3. An apple a day is not an apple at night;
4. When the cat is away, the mouse is alone;
5. If others can do it, dont help;
5. Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you mine;
6. Early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon!
FOOLING AROUND
Abe and his wife, even though he is not that handsome, are blessed with two (2)
stunningly beautiful daughters. But he is dying to have a son.
After 10 years of waiting, a boy was born but Abe was horrified to see a very ugly
child.
He went to the hospital bed of his wife and confronted her:
Abe: Look at the two very beautiful daughters that I fathered. This newly-born baby
could not have been my son. Have you been fooling around on me?
Susan: Promise dear, not this time!
Abe: Sa akin yung kotse nating BMW 2013 model at sa iyo na yung palyadung
Mitsubishi Lancer 2000 Model na kotse natin kasi ako rin lang naman ang
nagtatrabaho!
Jenny: Ok lang basta sa akin si Bomber, ang machung driver natin!
Abe: Magpatayan na lang tayo! Over my dead body!.hehehe
With whom?
How?
What for?
Why you?
What should I do when you are gone?
Can I come along?
When will you be back?
Where will you stay?
Will you be missing me?
And his answer will be:
Columbus: Ok fine I wont go! Happy???.hehehe
SAFE DRIVING
Abe: (Nagmamaneho) Baby, pa-kiss naman oh.
Maldita: Ano ka ba baby? Nag-da-drive ka! Gusto mo bang mabangga tayo? Ako na
lang ang ki-kiss sa iyo.
Abe: Sige, babythanks
Maldita: Okey. Pikit ka muna baby kiss na kita!hehehe
**BADING
Bakit kung pogi ang bading, the girls say SAYANG
PERO
Kapag pangit ang bading, they say SALOT!
Please explain
PILOSOPO KA AH?
Mcdo Crew: (To Abe who is falling in line to the Cashier) Good morning sir. Ano po
ang order nyo?
Abe: Isang large burger at large Coke.
Mcdo Crew: Dito po nyo ba kakainin?
Abe: Uhhhmmm, pwedeng sa table na lang? Nakakahiya kasi kung dito may
nakapila pa sa likuran?
Mcdo Crew: Sir, Sa table ho? Ayaw nyo po bang sa plato kakainin para di baboy
tingnan? hehehe
THEORY
THEORY OF EVOLUTION: .1/2 unggoy
Jaime Zobel de Ayala: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish
Henry Sy: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese
Lito Atienza: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo
Mike Arroyo: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pork
John Osmena: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay
Prospero Pichay: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 Gulay
Gloria Macapagal Arroyo: 1/2.only
NAGMANA
Abe: Dad, pinagalitan ako ng teacher ko.
Dad: Bakit?
Abe: Hinalikan ko kasi seatmate ko eh.
Dad: Itong binatilyo ko talaga, nagmana sa akin. Masarap ba?
Abe: Opo Dad, pogi po eh!
WEAKNESS
(Sa Loob ng SM City Baguio)
Abe: (to his new GF) Baby, yung naka red shirt near the BDO ATM machine ang
sinasabi kung ex-girlfriend ko.
Marie: Yaaaks! Ang pangit-pangit naman!
Abe: Wala akung magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since
Prof. Larry: Confucious answered that centuries ago, my dear. Its very simple.
When one lock could be opened by three (3) different keys, it is definitely a bad
lock. But when one (1) key can open ten (10) different locks, its a Master Key!!!