Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.................................................................................................................. 3
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY.................................................................................................................... 4
Acknowledgements
This project arose from the commitment essential to completing the project. Lea
to social justice and to the human rights Hazelton completed the transcriptions
of women and children of four NSW with accuracy and offered sustained
domestic violence services: St George commitment to the project. The Port
Domestic Violence Counselling Service Stephens Family Support Service
(South Eastern Sydney Illawarra Area assisted with recruiting participants from
Health Service), Green Valley and Liverpool outside the metropolitan area, supported
Domestic Violence Service (Sydney South participants with transport and child care
West Health), the Benevolent Society’s and provided a safe and comfortable
Centre for Women’s Health and Staying venue for interviews.
Home, Leaving Violence (Eastern Sydney).
Throughout the ensuing process, they Jarrah Hoffmann-Ekstein, Policy Officer
provided expert advice on recruiting at the Benevolent Society provided
participants and ensuring that they could valuable input into the final report and
participate safely and feedback on the final the development of the ‘snapshot’ that
report and recommendations. Maria Hole, will ensure that the messages from the
Lisa Lawrence, Maria Kissouri and Zoe research are widely distributed. This
Sharman provided invaluable inspiration project also received funding from
and support. SESIAHS Women’s Health and Community
Partnerships through the Public Health
Initially unfunded, the project would not Outcomes Funding Agreement (PHOFA)
have proceeded beyond the original - National Women’s Health Program that
idea without the commitment and enabled the report to be published and
dedication of Lynda Andrews, a final distributed.
year social work honours student at the
University of Sydney. Lynda completed Most importantly, the women who
the majority of the interviews as part of participated in the research must be
her field placement and subsequently acknowledged for their generosity in taking
continued to work on the project as the time to share their experiences, in each
research officer. Few students would case motivated by the desire to help other
have been capable of undertaking women and children. Their courage and
interviews about such sensitive and often commitment to creating safer futures for
painful material. Lynda’s respectful and their children shine through their stories.
compassionate understanding, research Their testimony attests to the distance we
skills and professionalism were essential have still to travel to realise the full human
to collecting the data for this report. rights of women and children escaping
violence and abuse.
The St George Domestic Violence
Committee provided the funding to All responsibility for the contents of the
enable the interviews to be transcribed, report remains with the author and does
the analysis undertaken and the report not necessarily reflect the view of the
written. Their generosity and support was agencies which supported the research.
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Executive Summary
does not end with separation and in methodology is that the findings of a
fact it may escalate to lethal violence non-representative sample such as this
(Davies & Mouzos, 2007; Hardesty & cannot be generalised. However, they
Chung, 2006; Jaffe, Crooks, & Poisson, can complement the findings of larger,
2003). In addition, there may be an quantitative studies and together can
intensification of “non violent coercive assist in building our understanding of
tactics” (Frederick, 2008, p. 525), such as the success or otherwise of our policy
financial abuse and threats of subjecting responses to complex social issues, such
the partner to protracted litigation. as domestic violence within the context of
Children may be subjected to increased separation.
exposure to domestic violence after
separation, since this may be the only The women were aged between 24 and
context in which the violent partner has 54 and had 51 children aged from one
access to his victim (Hardesty & Chung, year through to young adults at the time
2006; Jaffe, et al., 2003). Hence it is of of the interviews. The women had been
crucial importance to the safety and well separated for periods ranging from six
being of women and children that the months to 8 years, with an average of
family law system identifies and responds 2.75 years. Five of the women came
appropriately to domestic violence. from culturally and linguistically diverse
backgrounds as did seven of their ex-
partners. Threats to abduct children were
The research and the a particular issue for women with partners
participants of CALD background.
In depth interviews were conducted This was a sample in which there had
with 22 women who were recruited been a high rate of legal intervention.
through flyers sent to domestic violence Eighteen of the women had had
services in economically diverse areas of Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders
Sydney and a regional area of NSW. The (ADVOs) against their ex-partners. In
research question guiding the research two cases the ex-partners had taken
was: How are current family law policies out counter ADVOs against the women.
and practices experienced by women Eight of the women’s ex partners had
who have been subjected to domestic been charged with criminal offences:
violence as they negotiate parenting three had been charged and convicted
arrangements? A sub question was: of assault against their partners; one had
Are women able to disclose domestic/ been convicted of stalking; three had
family violence and achieve parenting been charged with breaching ADVOs
arrangements that are safe for themselves and two were convicted of this; and
and their children? one had been charged with child sexual
assault although the case did not proceed
The women’s interviews were transcribed beyond committal.
in full and coded using the software
program N*Vivo. Categories and The women were at various stages of the
concepts were identified, compared and family law process. For example, nine
explored to identify key themes relevant of the women had interim orders and
to the research question. The strength of were awaiting final court hearings; seven
this methodology lies in the generation had final orders adjudicated in a court
of rich data that provides a detailed hearing of which three were involved in
picture of the experiences of women appeals; and four of the women were
as they attempt to navigate complex returning to the family law process to
service systems. It gives a voice to a attempt to renegotiate older consent
vulnerable group as they try to access orders that were no longer working for
the protections designed to protect them them and their children and were involved
from further harm. The limitation of this in mediation (FDR). Similarly, there were
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I described it once. We thought it the worst, worst thing you can hear.
was like living in a concentration
camp … so you wouldn’t have From the women’s descriptions of the
the bruises but it would be that abuse and violence that they and their
psychological stuff and the children children experienced, it was clear that
as well. this abuse was intertwined – children
were exposed to violence against their
Changeovers were a common site for mothers; mothers were exposed to
this post separation violence, continuing violence against their children; and
children’s exposure to domestic violence: many forms of abuse were directed
simultaneously to both women and
…I was severely assaulted, I was beaten children.
unconscious … part of it happened in
the flat while I was picking up the kids In the end, there was the incident where
and then it sort of moved outside … So he threw my son into the cupboard and
my younger [child] saw him beating me slammed the door on his head, and then
and he was in the stairwell and he kept he rammed me in the living room, had his
hiding his head and – and I was beaten arms folded and just rammed me…
so I fell to the ground. I don’t know 100%
if I passed out but I know I was blacking A complex and
out when I fell to the ground and he has
told his counsellor that I wouldn’t wake up uncoordinated system
– that he kept telling me ‘mummy wake
up’… [child was preschool aged]… So I’ve had a totally inconsistent
approach. And I mean, to me, all
In common with the large body of existing the different Court actions, all the
research, the study found that domestic different stuff that goes on, it’s all
violence and direct abuse of children connected and unfortunately it’s not
frequently co-occurred. Twenty one of seen as that.
the women reported that their ex-partner
had directly abused their child/ren and In order to try to protect themselves and
the children were frequently subjected their children, the women found that
to multiple, overlapping forms of abuse: that had to navigate a fragmented and
twelve women described emotional uncoordinated service system, marked
abuse of children; eight described by delays and barriers to accessing
physical abuse; six described sexual accurate information. They provided
abuse or inappropriate sexual behaviours; many examples of a lack of coordination
three described incidents of neglect; and between the state civil protection order
nine reported children being exposed to system and the Family Courts:
dangerous situations, such as drug use.
At one stage we had – I had a
[He] used to beat [child] with a Family Court order where his
strap, he’s hit her so hard he’d leave parents were the supervisors. The
welts, picked her up by the ear, by Family Court order said that they
the arm and smack her. It got to the were to come to collect the children
point where she was afraid of him and take them to point of contact.
… He’s picked [her] up by the arm, I had an AVO that said that he
hit her with a belt, took her breath couldn’t come to my house. The
way one day [sound of strangling thing with AVOs, they are lifted for
breath] screaming out to me ‘help Family Court orders. But when he
me help me’, I couldn’t do anything came to my house with his parents,
[crying], because she had a lock on and I rang the cops, the cops
her door too, I couldn’t get in. She’s wouldn’t charge him because the
in there calling out for me and that’s Family Court order didn’t say that
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he couldn’t come with his parents to And they keep saying “Well you’ve
collect the children. So even when just got to go through the Family
you have AVO and a Family Court Court and try and protect your
Order, I found that they just don’t children that way”.
work well together.
This shifting of responsibility for child
One woman found herself in a ‘catch 22’ protection to the Family Courts means
position in which it was impossible for her that child protection is no longer funded
to simultaneously meet the requirements by the state, but moves into the realm
of the Family Court and the state child of private law where the protection of
protection agency: children depended on the resources
– both financial and emotional – of the
With my [Family Court] breach, I women. It also shifts the focus from
didn’t send the children [on contact] child protection to a ‘parenting dispute’.
and there was a whole lot of stuff This was often a situation in which
going on and I didn’t send the kids women perceived themselves to be
and that was the recommendation disadvantaged by an imbalance in
from the Child Protection financial resources with which to continue
Agency [NGO], one that is fully to protect their children.
funded by DoCS. They made the
recommendation. DoCS supported
that recommendation. And Family
Common beliefs that
Court found that I was guilty without shaped responses to
reasonable excuse. I was being put mothers’ efforts to achieve
on a 2 year good behaviour bond
with $2,000 payment if I breached safety
– if I broke the bond. And I also
had to pay the father legal costs Layered over this systemic complexity
and I also have to pay him other was a range of beliefs about women,
costs as well … If I breach my good allegations of abuse and family law
behaviour bond, I risk going to jail. and about the appropriate form of post
DoCS have told me I risk going to separating parenting that appeared to
jail if something happens to the kids shape a lens through which women’s
[on contact] and I’ve put them in an concerns about safety were viewed. This
unsafe position. lens was applied, not solely in the family
law arena but also in the wider domestic
violence and child protection service
“Leave it to the Family
networks once the context of separation
Court”: Shifting responsibility and family law was identified.
for protecting women and
children The common beliefs that shaped this lens
were:
One of the systemic gaps that the women
encountered was the reluctance of the • that children need a relationship with
statutory child protection service to their fathers (even in a context of
become or remain involved when the abuse and violence)
context of parental separation became
• that women fabricate allegations of
known.
child abuse and domestic violence
And DoCS were actually asked to
• that mothers attempt to stop contact,
get involved in our case and I’ve
including by alienating children from
found since that basically pretty
fathers
much, once DoCS know it’s in the
Family Law Court, they back off … • that women should not raise
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In other cases the women thought that to be in the same room, directly
some professionals demonstrated naivety opposite the table with someone
in their responses to their ex partners, who, for the last 15 years has
given their level of documented violence. pushed me in a corner and that’s
basically – and I’ve got to try and
Well, he’d promised the Court voice what I want in that scenario
counsellor that he would do the where there is someone sitting
right thing [allowing the children directly – glaring at you directly over
to undergo intensive counselling this table and you’ve got to try and
for trauma prior to commencing voice what I want…
contact] and then he comes back
a few days later to sign those final Similar experiences and reactions were
documents and says “No, I’m not reported in women’s dealings with report
agreeing that”. Because when writers and in court hearings:
the Court counsellor said: “Oh he
promised me”. I laughed. I laughed I felt that disadvantage again
at the Court counsellor and said because you have to be there and
“Yes I’m sure he probably has”. he comes too, so you have to see
each other in the [court] waiting
Women also found that there was limited room. And that brings up a lot of
understanding of forms of abuse other tension and emotions and with that,
than physical violence: I sort of lose my focus. So when I
had to talk to her [report writer], I
Another thing that I think that is felt I had to make sure that I didn’t
that I remember the magistrate say too much or I didn’t – I was
saying, in the evidence that she afraid that [long pause] I was afraid
had, that she didn’t really see – I just didn’t feel safe. I basically
anything there that looked like didn’t feel safe enough to speak
violence. And I thought ‘oh’, freely about things that had been
because what she is looking for happening … This is the same as
is bruises and [perpetrator] does I felt whenever I had to go Court
things like – with [eldest son] he with my ex, period … It was just
would grab his legs and twist them the mere fact that he was there,
across his body – like – and he already walking towards the Court
could grab your arm really hard but wondering whether we would walk
not give you a bruise. So – and his into him or not, made it, for me,
main form of violence really was very stressful to start with. Now the
the psychological and emotional – Court case is stressful anyway. But I
that was big time. And that wasn’t think that also influenced very much
really recognised as violence. my focus and my being able to put
my foot down and say like ‘this is
Traumatic responses what I want and nothing more’ or ‘I
unrecognised can’t agree with that’, ‘I can agree
with that.’
A very strong theme in the women’s
accounts was the failure of the system Consequences in the lives
to take into account the extent to which
the traumatic impacts of the abuse of women and children
undermined their ability to participate
in the various processes, such as ‘It’s inevitable – fathers have
mediation: rights’: Women under pressure to
agree to unsafe arrangements
We had to go through 3 bouts of
mediation which was very, very hard
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13
Whatever the intentions of the law mean, this Court won’t know about
regarding addressing violence and the ongoing abuse and harassment
abuse, many of the women received the or things like that – they won’t have
strong message to the effect that contact a clue about those.
(eventually unsupervised), substantial
time with the other parent and in some Inadequate risk assessment
cases shared care, was an inevitable - failure to focus on the
outcome in the Family Courts, even were
there was violence towards women and safety of children
children. Fathers’ rights to a relationship
Linked to the lack of understanding
with their children were stressed by the
about the dynamics and effects
many professionals with whom they came
of violence and abuse and to the
into contact. As a consequence, in an
beliefs that undermined the mothers’
effort to avoid even worse outcomes, the
credibility, was a failure to assess
women reported experiencing pressure to
and manage the risk to children. This
consent to arrangements that they did not
was a particular issue that the women
consider the best option for ensuring the
identified in their dealings with contact
safety of themselves and their children.
services, even though the limited
This pressure came from their own legal
availability of such services means
representatives, those of their ex-partners
that they are being referred some of
and Independent Children’s Lawyers.
the most high risk cases by the Family
I have asked my original solicitor if Court.
we could have no contact or like
phone contact or minimal contact or Inadequate risk assessment
like contact where the kids have got – failure to focus on the safety
an extra person to supervise … And of women
my instant answer was “No”, the
father has rights to see his children. Poor understanding of the dynamics
I understand but where do the kid’s of domestic violence meant that often
rights come into this? women’s safety was not assessed nor
were safety plans developed.
(Woman who was assaulted while
holding an infant) The emotional toll on children
Silenced about violence and abuse The women had to live with the impacts
of the abusers’ behaviour on their
The women received strong messages children, both historically and from
from various sources that it was ongoing contact.
dangerous to allege violence and abuse
and they walked a tight rope in trying to And my children will come to me
protect their children without being seen “mummy I want to die” like the eight
as “unfriendly” parents or undermining year old even, and the thirteen year
the father-child relationship. As a old when younger used to say it.
consequence, they did not feel that they And that’s really hard to hear your
were able to put the full story of violence children say that.
and abuse before the court. This has
important effects on the quality of They also faced damaged relationships
the decision making of the courts, as with their children as a result of the
recognised by this woman: abuse. In addition to coping with the
children’s distress at spending time with
Probably half or even the majority of their fathers, they were the ones had to
things that have happened with us force their children to do this:
won’t get written down on paper. I
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14
3
See: More harm than good? The perils of raising allegations of violence and abuse.
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17
Recommendations
Recommendation 5: Community-
wide education
The lack of understanding of the
dynamics of domestic violence and
the common beliefs held about women
lying about abuse are not unique to
the services and professionals which
comprise the family law system. There
is an urgent need for investment in a
long-term, national education campaign
targeting professionals, schools,
workplaces and the general public.
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20
(Peatling, 2005b). In June 2005 at legislation found that only two of 100
the conference of the Lone Fathers cases matched the stereotype of the one-
Association – vocal supporters of shared sided, unreasonable, contact-thwarting
parenting and vocal in claiming that mother. The most commonly raised
women falsify allegations of violence – the contact concern was domestic violence
then Attorney said that claims of abuse (in 55 of 100 cases) and in the majority of
would have to be “independently verified” these cases the outcome was changed
and asserted that the new legislation orders that restricted the father’s contact.
would “contain a number of measures Rhoades’ (2002) research illustrates the
as to how to make sure enforcement ways in which child contact arrangements
can be more effective” when orders can enable abusive ex-partners to
have been “deliberately disobeyed.” continue perpetrate abuse and to
(Peatling, 2005b) The Chair of the 2003 exercise control through contravention
parliamentary inquiry, Kay Hull asserted litigation or the threat of it.
that the proposed legislative changes
heralded a “more balanced” approach to Nevertheless, the 2006 legislation
Family Law and that: “...children have a contained elements as foreshadowed by
right to be protected from untrue claims the then Attorney General, i.e. the “friendly
of abuse that affected who had custody parent” and costs provisions, plus a
of them as well as from abuse.”(Peatling, narrowing of the definition of “family
2005a) violence.” Family violence (the terminology
used rather than domestic violence) is
These political assertions reflect defined in the Family Law Act as:
widespread community beliefs about
allegations of violence and abuse which “…conduct, whether actual or
persist despite their lack of empirical threatened, by a person towards,
basis (Brown & Alexander, 2007). For or towards the property of, a
example, the recent national survey of member of the person’s family that
community attitudes to violence against causes that or any other member
women found that almost half (49 per of the person’s family reasonably
cent) of respondents believed that to fear for, or reasonably to be
‘women going through custody battles apprehensive about, his or her
often make up or exaggerate claims of personal wellbeing or safety.
domestic violence in order to improve
their case’; only 28 percent disagreed Note: A person reasonably fears
with this statement (Victorian Health for, or reasonably is apprehensive
Promotion Foundation, 2009, p. 41). They about, his or her personal wellbeing
also reflect the assertion by fathers’ rights or safety in particular circumstances
organisations that women deliberately if a reasonable person in those
thwart the maintenance of ongoing circumstances would fear for, or
relationships between fathers and be apprehensive about, his or
children. Again, this belief does not reflect her personal wellbeing or safety.”
the empirical evidence. For example, (Family Law Council, 2009, p. 24)
the initial 1996 legislative changes were Emphasis added.
followed by an increase in the numbers of
Given the research about the impacts of
contravention applications (alleging that
the first wave of legislative change for
contact orders have been breached) by
women dealing with domestic violence,
non-resident parents. Dewar and Parker’s
these trends in the 2006 legislation raised
(1999) review of 1998/99 applications
the question about whether the explicit
found that the majority were brought by
reference to protection of children from
non-resident fathers, and that the majority
exposure to domestic/family violence
were found to be without merit. Similarly,
and child abuse would enable women to
Rhoades’ (2002) study of enforcement
disclose violence and abuse and to make
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23
safe parenting arrangements for their violence will meet the diagnostic criteria
children in the aftermath of a relationship for posttraumatic stress disorder,
in which they were subjected to domestic Margolin and Vickerman (2007) argue
violence. that the chronic and repetitive nature
of this exposure beginning in early
Domestic violence, children and childhood is more accurately captured
family law within the notion of complex trauma
– “a relatively recent conceptualization
Over the past 20 years, a substantial of long-standing, repeating, traumatic
body of research has shown that events.” (Margolin & Vickerman, 2007,
exposure to domestic violence is p. 615)
associated with a range of emotional,
behavioural and developmental problems Van Horn and Groves (2006) propose
in children and young people (e.g. a developmental model of trauma in
Margolin, 2005; McFarlane, et al., 2003; which the traumatic event is recognised
Wolfe, et al., 2003). Further, a mega- as only the beginning of a chain of
analysis of many studies found that events that may reverberate across
exposure to domestic violence was the course of the child’s development
associated with similar levels of harm through childhood and adolescence:
to those experienced by children who
experience direct physical child abuse When one parent uses intimidation
(Sternberg, et al., 2006). and violence or the threat of
violence to exert control over the
In addition to the impacts of exposure to other, the family lives in a state
domestic violence, the co-existence of of trauma and turmoil. Children
domestic violence and direct child abuse are subject to repeated stress
brings increased risk that children will and ever-broadening networks of
experience the compounding effects of traumatic reminders. They may
both violence exposure and direct child live in constant fear and anxiety,
abuse. For example, a meta-analysis and their anxiety is heightened
by Edleson (1999) found that domestic whenever they are reminded of the
violence and direct child abuse co- violence they have witnessed. (Van
occurred in 30-60 per cent of cases. Horn & Groves, 2006, p. 53)
A study of children evaluated for child
sexual assault found that 58 per cent In many cases, separation does not
of intrafamilial sex offenders were also end the domestic violence and in fact it
physically abusing their female partners may escalate to lethal violence (Davies
and in 86% of homes with partner & Mouzos, 2007; Hardesty & Chung,
violence, the children were also physically 2006; Jaffe, et al., 2003). In addition,
assaulted (Kellogg & Menard, 2003). there may be an intensification of “non
violent coercive tactics” (Frederick,
While initial research focussed on 2008, p. 525), such as financial abuse
the concept of children ‘witnessing’ and threats of subjecting the partner
domestic violence, more recent research to protracted litigation. Children may
has identified the many complex ways be subjected to increased exposure
in which children and young people to domestic violence after separation,
may be exposed to harmful domestic since this may be the only context in
violence (Holden, 2003). Increasingly, which the violent partner has access
children’s exposure to domestic to his victim (Hardesty & Chung,
violence is being conceptualised within 2006; Jaffe, et al., 2003). Brown
a trauma framework. While a significant and Alexander (2007) argue that the
proportion of children and young people prevalence of child abuse and domestic
who have been exposed to domestic violence during and following parental
separation necessitates recognition of
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24
child abuse in this context as a new and The research also involved focus groups
severe form of child abuse. with domestic violence service providers
and legal practitioners. This will be
This brief discussion of the research reported separately and will assist in
on exposure of children and young further understanding of the of current
people to domestic violence in the operations of legislation and policy.
context of parental separation highlights
the importance of the ways in which Definitions
the family law system identifies and
responds to domestic violence in Definitions of domestic violence (also
deciding parenting arrangements. termed intimate partner violence)
Decisions can affect the safety of are contested. A key area of debate
women and children and the long-term is whether violence within intimate
development and well being of children. relationships should be conceptualized
as arising from conflict or as a pattern
This research of behaviours aimed at controlling the
other party (Bagshaw & Chung, 2000).
This research was a collaborative project The former does not see violence
between four women’s domestic violence as gendered, while the latter locates
services and the Chief Investigator. A domestic violence within a historical
reference group from domestic violence and social context of structured gender
services worked with the researcher to inequality and as a form of violence
plan and advertise the study to women against women.
and to ensure that the research attended
to the important issues of women’s and This research is located within the
children’s safety that are inherent in all body of feminist scholarship that
domestic violence research. It aimed to understands domestic violence as a form
explore women’s experiences of navigating of interpersonal abuse that is grounded
the family law system following their in gender inequality and is perpetrated
separation from a relationship in which they primarily by men against female intimate
had experienced domestic violence. partners. In this form of abuse, the
core dynamic is the imposition by the
A major evaluative study of the 2006 perpetrator of a regime of coercive
changes was undertaken by the control (Stark, 2007) through a complex
Australian Institute of Family Studies pattern of tactics including physical and
(Kaspiew, et al., 2009) and two other sexual violence, psychological, verbal and
inquiries into the management of cases financial abuse, social isolation, threats
involving family violence have recently use of children (Dutton & Goodman, 2005;
reported to government (Chisholm, Herman, 1992). This type of intimate
2009; Family Law Council, 2009). This partner violence is known as ‘coercive
research adds to the body of studies controlling violence’ in the Kelly and
giving insight into the effects of current Johnson (2008) typology. Importantly, in
legislation, policy and practice on a the context of family law as discussed
vulnerable group within the courts. It above, this form of violence does not
addresses a gap identified in a previous necessarily end with separation (Fleury,
study of allegations of violence and Sullivan, & Bybee, 2000; Humphreys &
child abuse in children’s proceedings Thiara, 2003; Kurz, 1996).
(Moloney, et al., 2007) in that it provides
rich, contextualised data that helps us Child abuse is defined as acts of
to understand the process of decision omission and commission that harm a
making around the difficult issue child and impede their development.
of disclosing violence in family law Although there is debate in the
processes. literature about whether exposure of
children to domestic violence is itself
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25
domestic violence services in very issue for women with partners of CALD
diverse socio-economic areas of background. No participants identified as
Sydney and to a family support service Indigenous Australians.
in a regional area of NSW. Additional
women were recruited through This was a sample in which there had
‘snowball’ sampling, i.e. where women been a high rate of legal intervention.
were invited to refer other women to the Eighteen of the women had taken out
study. Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders
(ADVOs) against their ex-partners. (In
The women participated under the some cases these had expired.) One
condition that their identities were not woman had had an interim ADVO but was
revealed, both for their safety and that refused an ADVO when the Magistrate
of their children, and because they hearing a charge against her ex-partner
were participating in the family law for breaching the interim ADVO dismissed
system. Each woman was allocated the charge because of inadequate police
an identifying number and this is used investigation. She was reluctant to go
in reporting the findings. In addition, through further court action after this
where there was a possibility that some experience. In two cases the ex-partners
details in the data might identify a child had taken out counter ADVOs against the
or family, every effort has been made to women. One woman had been arrested
avoid this possibility in the way in which following allegations by her ex-partner
the data is presented. In keeping with that she assaulted her child, but she was
transparency in reporting the results not charged by police. She experienced
of qualitative data, quotations from this as a part of the pattern of ongoing
the participants are usually attributed harassment through litigation alleging
to participants using the identifying contravention of parenting orders.
code name/number. However, not
all quotations used to demonstrate Eight of the women’s ex partners had
findings are identified where this might been charged with criminal offences:
enable participant identification through three had been charged and convicted
the combination of a number of pieces of assault against their partners; one had
of data. been convicted of stalking; three had
been charged with breaching ADVOs
The data from interviews with twenty and two were convicted of this; and
two women aged between 24 and 54 is one had been charged with child sexual
presented in this report. Data from two assault although the case did not proceed
women who referred themselves to the beyond committal.
study are not included, because one
women’s legal involvement was in an Stage of the Family Law process
overseas jurisdiction and the other did
not describe experiences of domestic The women were at various stages of the
violence, despite having problems in family law process. Nine of the women
dealing with the family law system. had interim orders and were awaiting
final court hearings. Seven had final
There were 51 children involved in the orders adjudicated in a court hearing; of
sample, aged from one year through to this group, one woman was appealing,
young adults at the time of the interviews. ex-partners were appealing in two other
The women had been separated for cases and another was threatening
periods ranging from six months to 8 further litigation. Another of the women
years, with an average of 2.75 years. wished to appeal but was afraid that this
Five of the women came from culturally would result in an even worse outcome
and linguistically diverse backgrounds as than the order for equal time. One woman
did seven of their ex-partners. Threats had consented to final orders for her
to abduct children were a particular child to live with her ex-partner before the
Page No way to live
27
and the assumptions about the nature of the bruises but it would be that
violence), and the ongoing contact with psychological stuff and the children
the women over children: as well. (Woman 15)
And he’ll still pull the strings as to When you have been told over and
what happens. And when they – over again that you’re not good,
when he walks into the Court house not a good mother, hopeless at
and “oh no, I want to change” – the what I’m doing, you know. I could
Court just jumps to his beck and call. do lots of things at work and have
Whereas if I say “I need something my own job at work, but as soon as
changed” or “I would like something you walked in the front door I was
this way”, it’s an impossibility. It can’t not good at the housework, not
be done … it’s the only way he still good as a mother I was not good at
has contact with me. The only way doing anything. Nothing was ever
he still pulls the strings with me. The good enough. So for me to leave a
only time [ex partner] ever sees me, relationship like. So yeah. So now
is in Court. The only time [ex partner] coming back to knowing all that,
ever has contact with me is when being a single mother with very high
he has to ring to speak to the kids. insecurities about myself- huge
(Woman 8) thing to get over. Huge! (Woman 3)
So we went over [to his house] once, The women reported that this form of
my daughter left her school tie there. abuse impacted on their health and self
Uh at his house so I called him and I confidence. Through ongoing contact
drove her over and parked a couple with ex-partners in family law processes
of houses down the street and got and parenting, the emotional abuse
her to go and get the tie. And he continued:
came out taking photos of me and
my car outside his house to prove to And it’s like Court’s not finished.
the court that I wasn’t scared of him. Until they’re [the children] adults,
I am scared of him, but I didn’t want even though the final hearing is
my kid - she needed her tie. finished and he’s at a contact
centre, because he keeps going
Proving that she was not in fear of him was back to Court and because he
clearly an advantage in undermining this harasses the eldest child … it’s like
woman’s application for a protection order. our emotional abuse goes on and
This scenario emphasises the impossible it feels like I’m still at Court, even
choices that often faced the women if they though we’re not at Court – does
were both to keep themselves safer and that make sense?
also meet the needs of their children.
… really the [physical] violence
Emotional abuse is the last thing with [ex-partner].
And in all honesty, that’s easier to
The women described the corrosive get over – I know that sounds like
effects of having lived with emotional backward but it is easier than this
abuse, effects that they struggled to sustained psychological warfare that
overcome once out of the relationship. goes on all of the time. And that’s
what it’s like – it’s a psychological
Because our life was like living in warfare constantly, constantly.
a concentration camp, that’s how (Woman 10)
I described it once. We thought it
was like living in a concentration The less tangible nature of this form of
camp … so you wouldn’t have abuse also posed problems for women in
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30
‘proving’ domestic violence in the family Some of this financial abuse was
law system: facilitated through ongoing litigation by
the ex-partner, in this case continuing
The problem is that it’s all after final orders:
psychological, emotional abuse and
how do you prove that? (Woman 12) So financially I find it very difficult
and it doesn’t help when he keeps
Yet the psychological and financial going back to Court. Because then
stuff he can get away with and that’s I’ve got to come up with an extra
hard to prove and that’s where people $75 and I’m lucky that I’ve got Legal
don’t listen to you. (Woman 2) Aid but you have to keep coming up
– and I’ve got to photocopy a lot of
Financial Abuse things…
Financial abuse is a common but poorly For some, there was a great sense of
documented from of domestic violence injustice as their ex-partner was able to
(Branigan, 2007). Some women described manipulate the system:
experiencing this type of abuse while in
the relationship. He is getting legal aid, we don’t
know how, but he is, and I think
Like I use to have to fight with him because he hasn’t put tax returns in
for $10. He took total control of for years and he’s been cheating on
everything, although he would say his tax income and he doesn’t have
like he never had money. But you to pay me child support … and then
can’t say you don’t have money he gets legal aid as well.
when you’re buying houses, you’ve
got [several very expensive cars] … It also made parenting difficult:
You know, I’d be fighting for money
for groceries and then I’d get to ‘Cause my kids like brand named
the stage where I’d say “You know food … I even tried putting it
what, you have to go and do the into the box but they can tell the
grocery shopping”. And then he’d difference. But my eight year old
say to me “Shut the fuck up”, “Like … a few months ago I took him to
what the fuck else are you going to the supermarket and I showed him
do all day”. It was just a very hard the no frills juice and the juice he
situation. I would ask for money for wanted to buy and there was $4.00
groceries and he would give me like difference. So, he said “well, can we
$30. I think well what am I going to have two?” and I said “no you can’t
buy with $30? (Mother 16) have two but we can save $4”. Then
we might be able to buy hot chips
Most, however, talked about financial when we go down the beach or
abuse that they were experiencing post- have an ice cream or something. In
separation. some ways it’s a good life lesson for
them. It helps them learn. So I try to
He’s not paying child support. He’s make it into a positive. But yeah 8
lying about his wages. He’s showing year olds are materialistic as hell.
himself as unemployed. You know,
this is a way of being used. That’s The escalation of financial abuse
how I feel. I feel like I’ve been post separation is consistent with the
abused, and now I’ve been abused literature that suggests that separation
by him. And it’s constant. It’s not is often associated with intensification
just physical violence, it’s abuse, of “nonviolent coercive tactics”, such as
you know. (Woman 18) financial and legal abuse (Frederick, 2008,
p. 525).
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31
orders and stalking. Despite the severity have heard it and [child] saw it at
of the violence, she had felt pressured least twice. He would make me lose
by her original solicitor into agreeing to my control in front of the children.
50:50 shared care because of fear of her So when the children went to the
ex-partner, together with the belief that court house, [child]’d say ‘yes I’ve
children need contact with their father. seen mummy hit daddy but I haven’t
seen daddy hit mummy’, but in the
… he threw a kettle at me and next sentence that came out of
scalded me and burnt me with my little [one’s] mouth was… that
second degree burns! There’s the ‘I used to hear mummy and daddy
ambulance report like I mentioned yelling all the time in the bedroom
before. I was intoxicated that night and it used to make me scared that
but, he stomped on my head with daddy was going to hurt mummy
his foot and perforated my ear so bad that we wouldn’t have a
drum, he put me in the shower and mummy.’… so yeah, domestic
turned it on hot, cold, hot, cold … violence turns you into a horrible
then he rang the ambulance, and person for survival. If I could throw
he used to ring people to say like ‘I something and lose my temper
will show people how stupid you are in front of my children to save my
’… After the kettle it became more mental capacity so I could be a
of a, ‘Oh my god this guys gonna’ better mother to them then that was
kill me.’ ‘Cause a slap in the head what I did.
or anything like that can be done
and it’s over, he used to be more It was through the advocacy and support
mentally abusive up until then and of a specialist domestic violence service
I think it even shocked him what that this woman had been referred to
damage he did. a solicitor who was willing to raise the
issues of violence and its effects on this
She also feared that her survival woman in the Family Courts. At the time
strategies such as using alcohol, together of interview, she was awaiting final orders.
with the effects on her mental health of
having lived with abuse and controlling
behaviours would disadvantage her in
Exposing children to
the family law system. She was very domestic violence
mindful of the ways in which the survival
techniques that she developed to cope The women gave many examples of
with living with violence and abuse had situations in which the children were
undermined her parenting capacity and exposed to domestic violence. For
affected the well being of the children: example:
It got to the point that my best … the only reason I got out of that
tactic, ‘cause he was trying to situation was that a neighbour
convince me that I was insane, so from behind rang my mum and
my best tactic was that, after three said “You’ve got to come and get
days yell, scream, go hysterical, [woman] out”… So she came round
cry. So in the end I realised that and got me and got the [preschool
if I lost the plot and acted like he age children]. To this day I don’t
wanted, the fight could be over in know how we’d have gotten out.
30 minutes. So I was trying to think Because he took my car keys, he
more and most ashamedly to me I threw my mobile phone at the
would do it in front of the children wall, ripped the other phone out.
‘cause I needed it to be over. And So she came, she got me, she got
the children would see. The children [the children]. Took me back to her
would never see him, but they must place. And because it wasn’t far, he
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33
came round. And was there bashing …there’s a lot of stuff that
on the door. “I’m going to fucking happened during the relationship.
kill you”. (Woman 7) There was one particular incident
where I called the police out when
This woman did not proceed with the the father had – was particularly
ADVO taken out by the police after this aggressive and had thrown me out
incident, because her partner promised of the house and locked himself in
to change but in the longer term this the house with my then 2 year old.
decision contributed to the problem of I called the police to get [child] out,
‘proving’ violence. not because of violence but to get
[child] out and the police came,
There were many examples in the and they got my [child] out but I
women’s accounts of violence didn’t have any money, I didn’t have
perpetrated in the context of any clothes and didn’t have any
changeovers. suitcase.
I was attacked at handover, and …I was severely assaulted, I was
the police had to be involved – I beaten unconscious … he got a
mean, they were involved a fair few bond for beating me unconscious.
times where his father ran off with And doing that in front of my kids
[child], refused to hand [child] over … And my younger [child] – part of
and attacked me in the car park… it happened in the flat while I was
(Woman 10) picking up the kids and then it sort
of moved outside. I had one child
It was during that time that he was
with me … and after the assault, he
on an interim AVO and to try to keep
went and locked himself in with my
things amicable but keep myself
other [child] which was again why
safe and the children I agreed to bail
I called the cops. So my younger
conditions which w[ere] a bit lesser
[child] saw him beating me and he
and then he breaches those while
was in the stairwell and he kept hiding
he actually had the children and we
his head and – and I was beaten
were doing drop offs and pickups in
so I fell to the ground. I don’t know
a public place, at a shopping centre
100% if I passed out but I know I
car park, he decided to – wanted
was blacking out when I fell to the
to abuse me after the last Court
ground and he has told his counsellor
agreeance and he agreed to the
that I wouldn’t wake up – that he
terms and then he wanted to go back
kept telling me ‘mummy wake up’…
on them and I walked away from him
[child was pre-school ages] … And
and he chased after me in the car and
even though he was convicted, the
opened the car door and wouldn’t
Family Court constantly refers to this
let me leave and was abusing me in
as “allegations of family violence”
the car, in front of the children and
and I don’t even understand that one.
everything – and I knew what I had to
[upset]
do. I had to go to the police station
and report it and he was charged and Shared parenting responsibility was
locked up overnight and charged with also a context in which children were
a breach… exposed to domestic violence. For
example:
For another woman, the pattern of
abuse involving the children that was And my son had a major accident …
evident before separation continued while he was at his father’s and …
after separation in the context of contact he had to go straight to the hospital.
changeovers: Now, my ex didn’t call me, my [other
child] called me and said he’d been
Page No way to live
34
taken to the hospital bleeding and to the kids “like I did a lot of bad
she was hysterical! Now, she got things to mum and I said a lot of bad
in trouble off her father for calling things to you kids. To you kids and
me. We’re shared custody, so if about your mother. But hey, nobody’s
that happens I have every right to perfect and I didn’t mean to do it
be there. I walked in and in front of but the fact that your mother broke
my child he said “go home I’ve got up our marriage” – he would try and
custody”. My child was covered in get the kids to come to me and say
blood, so I said no, I sat by his bed things like “Mum, dad still loves you
and did not look at his father, and and you should forgive him”.
that night I ended up in the police
station because my ex husband And especially because it’s mainly
shouldered me into the wall. There emotional abuse. It’s very hard to
was a problem where the medical find that out. And when they’re on
staff would usually talk to mothers. the phone with me and Dad is in the
I don’t know, it’s very one sided, I background, and they’re trying to talk
agree with my ex on that, he had to me but Dad is in the background
custody of my son so they should ‘hang up the phone, just tell her
have been going and talking to him you’re alright’, with a very angry
about it but they didn’t and I said tone of voice. That doesn’t make me
look I don’t know what happened he feel very comfortable because they
was in the custody of his father at instantly stop talking to me. I don’t
the time go speak to his father… All want to get them into more trouble.
I wanted to do was stay until I knew I know they feel bad about it at the
what was happening. So I stayed moment, that that happens. I find
until the specialist came down and that very stressful for them. [tearful]
said he could go home for the night I find it just emotionally quite heavy
but come back in the morning for on them, that they can’t talk to their
an operation to stitch him up… mum [while at father’s place].
several times he [ex] said “go away
we don’t need you” in front of the This is a little [child] that would come and
child and that was really sad ‘cause sit on top of me and give me hugs and
[child] was holding my hand even kisses and whatever but week-ends when
tighter when that was said. her father picks her up, won’t come near
me. Won’t even give me a kiss good-bye
As documented in the literature, the or anything because if she showed that to
parenting by abusive men involves a her father, then she loves me more than
range of behaviours that undermine the him and she knows that she can’t do that,
mother/child relationship, for example, so she never did.
denigrating the woman and encouraging
the child to disrespect her and her Direct abuse of children
authority (Bancroft & Silverman, 2002).
The women reported that the tactics The coexistence of direct abuse of
calculated to divide mothers and children children with domestic violence is well
were common after separation. For established in the literature (Edleson,
example: 1999; Kellogg & Menard, 2003).
Consistent with this, twenty one of the
My oldest one, where she sits and women reported that their ex-partner
says “I hate you”, like she’ll swear had directly abused their child/ren. Also
at me … I can understand why she consistent with the literature (Finkelhor,
did do it because … she was under Ormrod, & Turner, 2007), the children
the impression that my ex and I were were commonly subjected to multiple,
going to get back together. Because overlapping forms of abuse. Twelve
what my ex would do, he would say
Page No way to live
35
women described emotional abuse point. I’d stand there and go off my
of children; eight described physical nut … Before he actually left … I
abuse; six described sexual abuse or was the buffer between [ex partner]
inappropriate sexual behaviours; three and [son] …
described incidents of neglect; and
nine reported children being exposed to She fears that the assaults continue while
dangerous situations, such as drug use. he is in the care of this father:
Examples of reported physical abuse of
the children included: I’ve contacted DoCS and I’ve
advised them, on my behalf,
His favourite is [child 1]. And even what’s happened. The school have
[child 2] to this day says: “ I don’t contacted DoCS when they’ve
know why mum I go to the contact seen [son] come in with sore arms
centre, he only wants to see [child or like he walked into school like
1]”… he’s very abusive to [child 2] this – and they’ll say to him “Oh
– very abusive. He use to hit into what happened [son]?” – “Fell off
her – it took her a year, after being my bike”. And they go “You don’t
at mum’s, to feel safe enough. fall off your bike – in the entire time
Something came up on TV and she you’ve been at school you’ve never
said ‘you know mum, did you know had bike accidents.” He says “No,
he use to punch me in the chest I fell off my bike. I fell off my bike”.
and I couldn’t breathe’. And I didn’t And yet when they’ve actually got
– I didn’t know. [pause, upset] I a chance to have a look at him
didn’t know. – there’s been massive bruises and
then they contact me.
[He] used to beat her with a strap,
he’s hit her so hard he’d leave welts, Six children in three families had made
picked her up by the ear, by the arm clear disclosures of child sexual assault
and smack her. It got to the point by their fathers. All had been investigated
where she was afraid of him … He’s by the criminal justice system, but the
picked [her] up by the arm, hit her young ages of the children precluded
with a belt, took her breath way one full progress through that system. This
day [sound of strangling breath] is consistent with the well documented
screaming out to me ‘help me help difficulties of prosecuting cases of
me’, I couldn’t do anything [crying], child sexual assault against very young
because she had a lock on her door children (Fitzgerald, 2006). Nevertheless,
too, I couldn’t get in. She’s in there the Family Courts had in each case
calling out for me and that’s the ordered limited, supervised contact
worst, worst thing you can hear. only. In three other cases, the women
described behaviours involving intrusive
But when – with [son] with his or sexualised behaviour towards children
[medical condition] and everything and inappropriate exposure of young
else, if [son] was sick at the dinner children to R-rated movies.
table, [ex] would pick up the food
that [son] was eating and he’d Summary: Overlapping
force feed him, so he would be sick
again, and again and again. I’d try domestic violence and
and pick him up and take him out child abuse
of the room and try and get him to
the bathroom. Most times I did this, From the women’s descriptions of the
little [son] would be taken out of my abuse and violence that they and their
arms – thrown into his bedroom, children experienced, it was clear that
the door shut and [ex] would stand this abuse was intertwined – children
there and of course I’d argue the were exposed to violence against their
Page No way to live
36
mothers; mothers were exposed to In these examples there are two victims
violence against their children; and of violence who are abused in concert.
many forms of abuse were directed This presents a challenge to a legal
simultaneously to both women and system that assumes that the interests
children. The following examples illustrate of women and children in this context
how woman abuse and child abuse, can be disaggregated, by prioritising the
commonly co-occur: “best interests of the child” (Kaspiew,
2005). This is discussed further in the final
… the last time I got anywhere chapter.
near him, he laid me up in hospital
for 4 days and he did that with my
little one, who was 18 months at
the time, in my arms – and yet he’s
still got access to [child] … I was
standing in the front yard, holding
a baby that he didn’t want to have
a car seat in the car for. And I said
to him “No, you can’t take her. You
don’t have a car seat. You’re not
taking her. Not happening”. And I
ended up in hospital.
work well together. And they don’t with $2,000 payment if I breached
give the results that anyone thinks – if I broke the bond. And I also had
should happen. And I’ve called the to pay the father legal costs and I
cops to my house repeatedly when also have to pay him other costs
he’d turn up with his parents, and as well. And yet when he beat me
they’d warn him not to come again unconscious, he got $200 fine … If
because it was inappropriate and I breach my good behaviour bond,
he’d still come … I risk going to jail. DoCS have told
me I risk going to jail if something
My AVO states … he’s not allowed happens to the kids [on contact] and
to enter my premises, like where I I’ve put them in an unsafe position.
am. And he’s not allowed to enter
my parents’ property either. But The lack of coordination across legal
because the Court has given him systems enables the perpetrators of
the right or his nominee the right abuse to ‘play the system’ and in so
to drop the children off at my door. doing, put the safety of the victim and
I now have – that doesn’t stand children at further risk. For example:
because he’s allowed to be there …
[I said to the police] “The kids are One of the reasons he put on
in the house, why is he still there?” for revoking the AVO for a gun
“We can’t do a thing about it licence was that he required it for
because the Court have overridden his continuing employment. But
the AVO”. And I’m like ‘far out, like at the same time, he was putting
which way do you turn?” Honestly! applications in to the Family Court
… And I’ve been told by DoCS to using his pension concession card
take photographs. I’ve been told and saying he was unemployed.
by the Court if I take photographs,
they’re not – because they don’t Another issue relevant to co-ordination
know when the photographs have across the legal system relates to the time
been taken … And you sort of think limits for protection orders. Many women
alright, why can’t you guys put your who have been victims of domestic
heads together and go look there is violence will continue to have contact
something happening. I’m not there, with their ex-partners until their youngest
I can’t see it, I can’t tell you. children are 18 years of age, yet this is
not easily taken into account:
The woman below found herself in
a ‘catch 22’ position in which it was And I rang the Court House about
impossible for her to simultaneously meet renewing it [the expired AVO]
the requirements of the Family Court and and but they said ‘unless there’s
the state child protection agency: something recent in the last few
months’.
With my [Family Court] breach, I
didn’t send the children [on contact] ‘Waiting for something to happen’ in order
and there was a whole lot of stuff to initiate new action for legal protection
going on and I didn’t send the kids is not conducive to recovery from trauma
and that was the recommendation and building a new life.
from the Child Protection
Agency [NGO], one that is fully
funded by DoCS. They made the
recommendation. DoCS supported
that recommendation. And Family
Court found that I was guilty without
reasonable excuse. I was being put
on a 2 year good behaviour bond
Page No way to live
40
Layered over this systemic complexity the past decade have been framed within
and lack of coordination was a range of notions of the importance of children
beliefs about women, about allegations having an ongoing relationship with both
of abuse and family law and about the parents, it was notable that only the
appropriate form of post separating importance of fathering was stressed to
parenting that appeared to shape the the women by the various professionals
lens through which women’s efforts to that they encountered. In contrast,
protect themselves and their children were mothering, as a form of ‘women’s work’,
viewed. This lens was applied, not solely in was invisible and appeared to be taken-
the family law arena but also in the wider for-granted, its importance acknowledged
domestic violence and child protection only by some of the women themselves.
service networks once the context of
separation and family law was identified. The belief that children need a
The most common beliefs that women relationship with their father was
encountered in their contacts with the encountered by the women from a
many professionals they dealt with were: range of professionals, solicitors,
court appointed assessors, contact
• that children need a relationship services and mediators. The women
with their fathers (even in a context also perceived this to be a strongly held
of abuse and violence); attitude in the general community. For
example, Woman 10 had final orders
• that women fabricate allegations of that would mean shared time when her
child abuse and domestic violence; child turned 5. She believed that her
allegations of domestic violence had been
• that mothers attempt to stop disbelieved by the Family Court judge
contact, including by alienating and was afraid to appeal for fear of losing
children from fathers; care of her child to her ex-partner. She
was angry about the lack of community
• that women should not raise
understanding:
allegations of violence and abuse in
the family law system; I have got to allow him to attack me
whenever he likes. There’s nothing I can
• that shared care or at least some
do. Absolutely nothing. Nobody wants to
contact is inevitable, no matter what
get involved because it’s Family Law and
violence or abuse has occurred
it’s a man and his son. Nobody wants to
prior to separation and that this can
get involved.
be negotiated.
Woman 11, whose children had been
Invisible mothers and essential sexually abused on contact and who was
fathers being forced to relocate in order to ensure
supervised contact could occur, was
Although the changes to family law over told by a court appointed expert that the
Page No way to live
44
place the child’s well being first: A woman who felt that she had been
duped into marriage to facilitate her
The first visit, it was very emotional partner’s entry to Australia saw how
because [child] told me … that his being a father was the main issue
she felt sick in the stomach and focused on:
was crying and they’ve got an
outdoor children play area and How can the judge, who doesn’t
there’s a cubby house. She went know about the background of why
to sit in the cubby house, because this man came out and why he’s
she thought she was sick in the here and all of a sudden, because
stomach and the lady who was there’s an Australian born child,
doing the contact, went and got that he gets to see the child and
her. She didn’t feel that the woman basically his solicitor said it out
had a chat to her and say ‘how are loud – ‘that if this man doesn’t get
you’ and tried to work out what contact with his child then he will
was wrong with her. It was more suffer the consequences of being
like ‘come on, come on, your dad deported’. Because he said those
wants to see you’, which upset her words, the Judge said ‘oh poor
even more because she thought thing, the child needs to see the
she couldn’t have space to herself. father’ and so she gave the orders.
She didn’t put it in exactly those
words but that type of thing. Despite the common community belief
that women make up allegations of abuse
Another woman had experienced severe to stop contact between children and
abuse that had resulted in a permanent ex-partners (Flood, 2009), eight of the
physical disability. The children had women in this study were supportive of
also been subjected to physical and retaining the father-child relationship and
emotional abuse. She found the talked explicitly about the importance of
emphasis on the children spending maintaining this relationship. However,
time with their father rather than on the their beliefs about this were being tested
violence and child abuse difficult to by the reality of this experience for their
understand: children and in many cases they sought
to ensure that this contact was safe
From then, we ended up going out through supervision:
to the Family Law Courts in [city].
We’ve done a couple of mediation I want [child] to see his father,
sessions in those courts as well. don’t get me wrong – I want him
But every time we used to get into to know his father but he needs
the Court and they would start to supervised access.
say the father has rights … Yeah,
and I’m not meant to be scared No. I want contact. I’ve always
or worried or upset – it’s like “oh wanted [child] contact with [father].
no, its fine, they’re with their It’s just the way that he’s still being
father”… I understand but where there now [stalking and harassing
do the kid’s rights come into this? the mother] that it makes it a little
They’re scared, they don’t know harder for me to understand that he
him … And they’re saying to me could be a good father.
but he has to have time with the
children. And I’m saying “but he’s So I don’t want to take the kids
knocked me to the ground with a away from him either. He’s a good
baby in my arms – why does he dad when he’s not abusing me.
– and he’s been charged, he’s been
Woman 20 was finding it hard to reconcile
found guilty of assault – he’s been
her beliefs about the importance of
breaches of AVOs…”
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46
fathers with her ex-partner’s lack of upset and crying and saying “I don’t
involvement in caring for them prior want to see daddy, I don’t want to
to separation and the children’s clear see the lady that’s supervising”…
disclosures of sexual abuse. She sought
to protect them through making sure that Woman 7 believed in the children having
contact was supervised: contact with their father, but struggled
with the awareness of the harm this might
It’s hard because I believe, I’ve do to them, and with the ways in which
always believed in a father having promoting ongoing contact kept her
a role with children and always within her ex-partner’s control:
encouraged that and tried to push
that you know sort of encouraged … I do think it is important for kids
that but he never wanted that … to have the opportunity to know
I suppose the mother part of me, both parents and so I have always
you don’t want any men near your been that they need to have contact
children once they disclose those with him so that it’s not – they’re
sorts of things but then you also 15 and they resent me because I
want them to understand that stopped it – so I have thought of
they’ve got a daddy and mummy that it’s important. So that’s what
that love them very, very much so you really grapple with – is that they
- I’m not those one of those mums, I need to know him but what damage
don’t believe in children - you know is he doing in the interim? And so
a lot of couples can get caught up trying to make sure they’ve got the
in I suppose bagging their partners skills to work through that …That’s
out or saying negative things and I why there’s no light at the end of
don’t believe in that. Children are the tunnel because he’s always
innocent and they’re the innocent going to be there and giving his say
ones in these and you know I’m not because it’s important for him to
there to judge or anything, although have the ongoing relationship with
that’s been a very hard road but my these kids … And I think that they
role is to protect my children and still should have some contact but
that’s what I’ll do as best I can. My what I disagree with is that he gets
children didn’t really have a bond to use them as a tool and it’s just
with their father beforehand. He continuing on the control that he
was more floated around and they did, post the separation…
knew he was around the home or
he’d be around from time to time Another woman was influenced by her
but – because he never spent any understanding of the research about the
hands on time with my children importance of the father/son relationship
unless I really pushed and pushed but was finding that her son was less
and pushed. willing to spend time with his father as
he got older despite her encouragement.
However, the children’s reactions to the She had returned to a family relationship
contact were distressing: centre to try to mediate an arrangement in
a context in which her ex-partner wanted
The first visit … I had to leave more contact and her son wanted less.
them absolutely screaming and
banging on the doors and had to be I guess because research shows
locked and I had to go down and I that a father is important in the
could hear them screaming from a children’s lives and the father does
street level and things like that and the male thing and he’s growing up
carrying on … and the second visit and in terms of sexual identity as
I couldn’t get them out of the car well … I always like to encourage
physically… they were, you know, that relationship between my son
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47
and his father and that has always the next few days. Because he stepped
been something that I’ve wanted over that boundary. They don’t like him
to do even though our relationship touching them.” The children had an
wasn’t working – and so I’ve ADVO because of his physical abuse of
encouraged that relationship over them. However, the mother was unable
the years and for it to be positive to get any useful assistance in dealing
and encouraged him to be excited with the issue of how the ADVO might
to go to his dad’s this week-end, be enforced within the context of a
you can have so much fun blah, supervised contact visit:
blah, blah – I guess, a few years
ago, found out that I can’t do that [The contact service] said we
anymore because he’s a child who’s don’t really know how the AVO
growing up and making up his own applies in this situation because
mind about what his father’s like and it’s their father and they’re having
me saying things like ‘you’re going contact visit. So do you say its
to have so much fun this week-end’, harassment? And then another
it kind of doesn’t apply any more relative rang the police and said
because he doesn’t see it as having “Where do we stand with this?
so much fun with his father. There’s an AVO there and yet he’s
picking them up and kissing them
Despite describing very inappropriate and cuddling them and the eldest
care of the children while in their father’s child is saying ‘No’ and what can
care, Woman 12 was trying to balance her we do about it?” And the police
belief in the importance of contact with said “Oh well, we could give it a
the father with the possible harm it could go if you want to”. But he said “I
cause the children: don’t know how we’d go in the
Family Court”.
I think a father is very important to
them, and this father – you know, Another woman had experienced
it’s their father, they love him. So I ongoing harassment from her ex-partner
do think that it is important to have through repeated litigation, breaches
their father in their lives but I think of ADVOs and contacting the police
the less time they spend him, the to accuse her of harming the children.
better it will be for them. Despite being warned by police that
he would be charged if he continued
‘He just wants to see his contacting them with false allegations
children’ – a lens for excusing against the woman, and advice by a
child protection service to the local
men’s behaviour police station that this woman and
children were at high risk, a terrifying
The common belief that children need a
incident subsequently occurred at her
relationship with their father, no matter
ex-partner’s instigation, for which he
the abuse they have suffered or the
was not held accountable:
domestic violence witnessed, came into
play in women’s contact with a range … on that night, he sent the cops
of agencies where it appeared that this to my house and even though he’d
provided a lens through which the man’s been told that the kids weren’t
abusive or inappropriate behaviour was coming [to contact], he sent me
excused. emails … He told the cops he
didn’t know where the kids were
One woman described her child’s distress
or what had happened to them,
at the father’s touching during a contact
that maybe I’d killed them. So the
visit, despite the child’s protests: “And
police came to my house, just
she came home crying. It upset her for
before 11 o’clock at night. I woke
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48
to torches shining through the whatever. But that’s what they did.
house. The police were actually
outside the house and shining the Despite this history, her ex-partner’s
torches through from the garden breaches of the women’s ADVO by
into the front bedroom. And I went coming to the home were excused by the
to the door and just opened it. police:
I’d woken out of a dead sleep, I
hadn’t heard them and they were And it’s like he shouldn’t be there,
just screaming: “have you killed I’ve got an AVO … I’ve had other
the kids?’’ – and they insisted in cops say to me ‘look, he’s the
coming into the house and … they father, he wants to see them, it isn’t
went to the children’s bedrooms the right way to do it but he just
and shone the torch on each child wants to see his kids’.
until they woke. And they were
Woman 4 found that her attempts to
really obnoxious with me … I mean
set limits on partner’s turning up late
they just had the father’s story
for contact, which she experienced as
and that’s what they were running
ongoing controlling behaviour, were not
with … And even though this was
understood by solicitors on both sides:
the third time he’d sent the cops
to my house, they didn’t charge
Yeah, [since the final orders were
him. And at that time – there were
made] he’s stopped turning up
no consequences – and at that
when he’s meant to… and the two
point in time, he was under a good
days after we had the final orders
behaviour bond and he was under
he didn’t turn up on Saturday
an AVO. And I’ve been told on the
morning so we waited half an hour
second time that if he did it again,
... and then at 10:30 I started getting
that he’d be charged. They said
messages ‘where are you?’ when
they wouldn’t charge him because
I told the police ‘I’m leaving. When
he’d go to jail.
he comes tell him I was here’ and
then the next message is ‘why are
As long as the behaviour was framed as
you depriving your son of time with
concern for the children and a desire to
me, you’re using him’ but there’s
see them, the protections of the ADVO
no threat or anything like that, ‘Oh
were not enforced, and the harassment
I just want to spend time with my
continued. For the woman above, despite
son’ so the likes of his solicitor and
the ex partner’s record of using the police
my solicitor will say oh he’s just
to harass, and the existence of an ADVO,
concerned about his son but no he
the father’s concerns appeared to have
chose not to turn up, there was no
been prioritised:
emergency there was no accident
They [police] did say that he didn’t so don’t turn this around on me and
know where they were or why they when … I ended up taking him (son)
hadn’t come [to contact]. And I back which I won’t do again because
said pretty much like “that he had of what he said when I walked in he
been told”. And they said “Did you said “I still f’ing control you” and he
ring him” and I said “No, I emailed said “I will do this every week” and
him”. “You emailed him? Do you I said “well you can do this every
know if he got it?” I went “Yeah, he week but I will not bring him back
got it because he responded to it”. again if you’re not on time”.
But before they left, they actually
In some cases it was the belief of the
insisted that I ring the father from
women themselves that their ex-partners
my home and tell him that the kids
just wanted time with the children, which
were ok. Now I understand that sort
undermined their protective actions on
of breaches Charter of Rights or
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49
behalf of themselves and their children: any relationship whatsoever but I’m
trying to provide it in environment
And was there bashing on the where I can make sure my son is safe
door. “I’m going to fucking kill you”. and what he has been exposed to is
When the police came out then, and not detrimental to his long term health
‘cause what he yelling out when and development. And every step of
the police was there was ‘just let the way I was attacked for doing that,
me say good-bye to the kids. Let every single step of the way, I was
me inside to say good-bye to my accused of having an ulterior motive.
kids’. And the police said “Don’t I was accused of being a liar. I was
you do that. If he holds them, you accused of being bitter…
don’t have anything – he has the
right – I can’t take them off of him.” Woman 7 had withdrawn the ADVO
And so even though that night I still that was initiated by the police when
was silly enough to let him hold and called to the violent incident that ended
cuddle them and then he eventually the relationship, because of her ex
left. And then the police again said partner’s remorse. When the violence and
to me: “If he would have walked harassment continued after separation she
off with those kids, I couldn’t have contacted the police about obtaining an
done anything”. ADVO but was met with suspicion (despite
the record of the previous assault):
Women’s motives under
… when [police officer] asked
question about the kids I said “Oh, we don’t
In contrast to the emphasis on the have anything yet because we’re
importance of fathering – in the absence discussing through solicitors” and
of attention to the quality of this fathering they were like “Oh, did your solicitor
– the beliefs about mothers that the tell you to come down here?” And I
women encountered from professionals was like “No, I’ve just had someone
were predominantly negative. For push me over and abuse me. I’m
example the women commonly here because I’m concerned. And
encountered the belief that mothers he’s just driven off with my kids in
fabricate abuse both in the family law the car”… I think people think that
system and when they attempted to use you fabricate some of it to get your
other services to protect themselves and own way …
their children:
Another woman described the scepticism
The duty lawyer said that DoCS was she encountered from the police when
involved. The [Federal] Magistrate she contacted the police after an incident
flew off the handle and she said: “I where she felt threatened by her ex
have seen all this before where a partner, whom she knew had access to
mother feeds her story to DoCS, so guns:
of course they support her”.
I called the police and they said, they
Well the effect, the long term effect were no help, they just said: ‘I suppose
that it’s had on me is the fact that you’re doing this ‘cos he’s got custody
every step of the way where I have of the kid now.’ I said, ‘Thanks a lot. So
tried to defend my son, for reasons when he shoots me and kills me what
that I don’t want my son to go are you gonna’ do then?’ ‘Oh you’re
through this – I know what the cycle being dramatic now.’
of violence is and I know how it
Another woman was warned by her
works – I’m not an idiot. I’m trying
lawyer about the disbelief that can meet
to stop it. I’m not trying to prevent
allegations of child sexual abuse in the
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50
Family Court, especially given the young there are women out there that
ages of her children. This filtered the are like that – that manipulate the
information presented to the court: system to get what they want and
it’s not always righ…
The children have been appointed
an independent lawyer and they Woman 20 emphasised the fact that the
advised that the best thing to do focus should remain on the protection of
would be to let him have supervised children:
contact because there is a risk that
he can use that [allegations of child … and I’m told that 4% of women
sexual abuse] as a defence and try make false allegations and I
and turn that around on me what’s think: “well I fit into the 96%, why
been brought up with the children should I be judged or have to go
… so we’re trying to protect the through and tip toe … even despite
children and myself as best as I what we’ve been through, I do
suppose we can … You’ve got to be understand and appreciate that you
careful how you word things, you wouldn’t want someone accused of
know with the children so I wasn’t something they haven’t done either.
going to risk that so that was the But, you know, to me the system
only way I could protect my children hasn’t worked at all. You know, I
[through asking for supervised mean you’d want to be protecting
contact] in the Family Court, those children, even if there was
because of their ages and obviously a 2% risk of those children at risk,
him not admitting to anything, he something should be in place to
couldn’t have been charged in a protect those children … I’m told
criminal court setting. it’s mostly women that do the wrong
thing and accuse them and abuse
The belief that women misuse the system the system but surely all the others
existed not just among the professionals can’t be jeopardised and things
in the system, but also for some of the because of that. Because every step
women interviewed, despite their own of the way I heard “Oh well, there’s
experiences of being disbelieved: women out there” and now I say “I
don’t want to hear that. I’m not one
And I know that a lot of women of those women. These aren’t one
go in and say, I know it’s such a of those children”.
common thing for women to say
that I was domestically abused, it’s The ‘alienating’ accusation
sort of the same as the men saying
we’re prostitutes and alcoholics, I
about ‘emotional’ women
know that, and I hate the women The most direct expression of the view
that haven’t been abused that use that women deliberately undermine the
that, I think it’s disgusting and it’s relationship between fathers and children
made my life so hard, and I know occurred when women were accused
that there are people out there who of “alienating” children, despite the
do it. But I have evidence. discrediting of the concept of parental
alienation in the scientific literature (Meier,
… and I won’t say that all women
2009). For example, although one woman
are right. Some women are.
had evidence of violence against herself
The ones that are in the same
and her children, she was described
circumstances as what I am – that
as ‘alienating’ the children by both the
they’ve been pretty much been
Independent Children’s Lawyer and the
told we’re lying. That we’re lying,
contact service. Her ex-partner had been
manipulative bitches – pretty much
charged and found guilty of assaulting
the term I’m going to use. Because
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51
her and evidence of physical assault of it’s in the orders that he’s supposed
the children was sufficient to have them to tell me. And because I don’t have
granted a separate ADVO. anything to prove that he doesn’t live
– and I repeatedly get told that the
I was told by someone in the Courts don’t like resident mothers
police force that yes, he does have breaching the fathers because
Red Flags [high risk factors], like they don’t want to be blocking the
everywhere … and the children contact. I get told there will be no
need to be protected. But the funding from legal aid and that the
children’s lawyer didn’t think there Courts wouldn’t be favourable to me
were any really any Red Flags and raising breaches anyway.
that the children should spend
unsupervised time with him. I was She went on to point out the imbalance
suffering from parental alienation. between the emphasis on mothers
She relayed to my lawyer ‘this is stopping contact, with the lack of interest
a clear case of parental alienation in ensuring that fathers maintain contact:
from the mother’. She had police
reports, probably DoCS reports… In Australian law … I have to have
a positive attitude to contact. I
When supervised access was ordered, have to provide the children for
she found that efforts to raise the contact and I could be breached
children’s distress with the contact if I didn’t provide them. But there
service resulted in further accusations of is no requirement in Australian law
‘alienation’: and basically lets, most often no
consequence of not turning up.
And I rang them and said “This is It’s not an issue … And repeatedly
what’s happening with my children.” Magistrates have said that it’s more
I said “My son’s getting nightmares. my attitude to the father than the
He’s not sleeping. He wakes up in kids and Magistrates have said that
the middle of the night.” I said “the in the last 6 months.
acting out behaviour and the trauma
before and after contact visits is just The women’s ex-partners were also quick
shocking”. She said “Oh, that’s what to accuse the women of influencing the
you’re saying. That means nothing”. children against contact. For example:
She said “You’re just saying this
because you don’t want the children And yet, anything the children
to have contact with their father say against him he tells them:
aren’t you?” She said “That’s all this “that’s your mother talking your
is about. There’s nothing else to this mother’s poisoning your mind”… I
but the fact that you don’t want the talk to them about everything and
children to have contact with their he asks the little one saying “do
father”. And she’s speaking quite you want to stay with me or do
loudly. And I’m saying: “No, No that you want to go with your mum?”
isn’t it. I’m trying to tell you that the and he said the way that he said,
children are traumatised.” straight away he said “I want to go
with mummy. He doesn’t take that
Woman 5 felt powerless to ask the court as the child wanting to go with
to enforce the order that her ex-partner his mother he takes that as me
advise her of his address because it putting those words in his mouth
would be construed as an effort to stop … brainwashing him … Of course
contact: he wants to be with his mum he’s
eight years old, a little eight year
To me, it’s part of the power game old probably would. But no that’s
that I won’t know where he lives. Yet me brainwashing again.
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52
It was common for women to feel that Well [father] can basically turn
their concerns for the safety of their around and say, from what I’ve
children were dismissed as being the found out, he can say that I’ve put
result of bitterness toward their ex- the words in the children’s mouth,
partners: what things they’ve come out with
or I’ve put them up to it and things
Because as far as the Court is like that so, yeah I chose what
concerned, I’m the nagging, old the only thing I could do to make
ex-wife that doesn’t want to play the sure they’re protected. I mean, I
game. And it’s really sad. don’t mind whatever falls on my
shoulders, I’ve heard and other
Yeah they just don’t want to listen people have heard, what’s come
and they don’t want to take it on out of my children’s mouths, I’m not
board. They don’t try and listen worried about that. But I’m worried
to what you’re saying or the fears about obviously a situation where
involved or … the serious issues. I suppose you’re given best case
And I think they just kind of think scenario, middle range and worst
you’re the bitter wife or whatever case. And the worst case scenario
and trying to get maintenance which you know would probably
money out of the husband and all never happen but you’ve got to
that. They put me in that category. take it into account when you’ve
got children, every possibility is
I really don’t think that – well I think
that he could try and turn it around
it’s great how they don’t have to put
and accuse me of you know - and
you through mediation to start with
that’s a form of abuse, you know
but I think that people shouldn’t
what I mean? Putting things in
be classed as vindictive mothers,
their heads, and they could turn
which I feel everyone is. I feel like
around - he could possibly get
that everyone should be given a fair
custody, you know and that would
go and really look into the situation
be unsupervised of course, so I’m
because when you’re in that
doing absolutely everything to make
relationship, you don’t always go to
sure you know, they’re protected.
the police.
Another woman was prevented from
Trying to protect: The getting counselling for her children under
balancing act – be ‘friendly’, the threat of being seen as ‘alienating’:
not ‘alienating’ And as I said, I’m 2 1/2 years since
The women were acutely aware that they I left him down the track – nearly
had to temper their efforts to protect their 3 years actually. And I’ve still
children and to get assistance for their not really got any good intensive
exposure to trauma with considerations counselling for the children
that they may be perceived as motivated because I don’t feel I can … when
by the desire to undermine the father- he [ex partner] found out where we
child relationship. For example, one lived, the children were quite upset
woman had agreed to supervised contact and wouldn’t sleep. So I took them
in a situation where her children had out to the local domestic violence
made clear disclosures of sexual abuse, centre to speak to the workers
because she feared the children being there, which they’ve come to know.
put into the care of their father if she And my solicitor said to me “You
were perceived to be encouraging false want to back off from that or you’ll
reporting by the children: be in trouble for that now”. So
here I’ve got a child who’s been
so traumatised they’re thinking he
Page No way to live
53
The women were warned that asking You’ve got to try and keep the
for the protections they judged safest emotion out of it. And that’s not
for their children, could lead to worse an easy thing to do. You’ve got to
outcomes, for example: stick to the plain cold facts and the
plain cold facts sometimes are too
I had already made up my mind damn hard to spit out. And I don’t
that I didn’t want the sleepovers know how I would design a better
because I really didn’t think it was system but I know it has to change
safe for the children but [my lawyer] because it’s not an easy system to
convinced me that if I wouldn’t do deal with when you’ve got so much
it, the Judge would probably even else underlying yourself but you’re
now give me a slap on the wrist not allowed to show that. And
and give [ex] more than I would be when you do crack, when the Court
willing to give, so he really strongly awarded [ex partner] the extra night
recommended me to do this with [son], I cracked. One of the few
otherwise it would all blow up in my times I have actually lost it in the
face. So I did agree. I didn’t feel like Court room. I had to leave the Court
I had a choice. room. I was a blubbering mess. The
Court couldn’t understand why.
These expectations were perceived as
unbalanced and unfair. For example: … because I was very much
drilled by my solicitor ‘don’t you
I think there’s an expectation show negative emotion towards
on resident parents, which are [ex-partner], don’t say anything,
generally mothers – has a positive don’t do nothing, don’t retaliate,
obligation for contact. So I’m be nice to him and you’ve got to
supposed to be positive about the ensure your family are nice to him,
father’s contact so when my kids shake his hand, say hello to him
are being pissed off that he doesn’t and everything. Do not be angry
ring, how do I deal with that? towards him and you’ve got to tell
your family not to be angry towards
Woman 11 believed that the final orders
him no matter what he does’. So my
that required her to relocate so that
parents were under a lot of pressure
supervised contact could occur, were
and extreme amount of pressure
based on her being seen as trying to
– an abnormal amount pressure
“alienate” the children when she sought
– you can say to people “I’m going
sexual assault counselling for them and
to tell you, your daughter was raped
because she asked for no contact. Her
in front of our son and she’s got no
conclusion was that: “I’m made to be the
rights and she was battered and …
guilty party the whole time … my need
you’re just going to have to sit there
to protect the children is used against
and smile about it’. I mean that’s
me.” In this case her ex-partner had been
not normal. That is not an order to
assessed as an “unacceptable risk” to
stay calm. You’re asking someone
the children by the Family Court, based
to actually be inhuman. It’s my
on the evidence from the criminal case of
parents’ right to grieve for what has
child sexual assault.
happened to me.
1
See, for example: http://www.wsahs.nsw.gov.au/services/cedarcottage/documents/Cedar_Cottage.pdf
Page No way to live
54
And your solicitor tells you From many sources, the women reported
– because they know that I still that they received the strong message not
get upset, they say ‘try not to cry’, to raise allegations of abuse or violence in
‘try to be as calm’ because you the Family Courts. The women reported
don’t want to look like you’re trying managing a very delicate balancing act
to sway anyone or anything. I’m as they made choices about whether, and
thinking I’ve got to be like a robot. how much, to raise issues of violence
And it was very hard – it’s horrible. and abuse. They lived with the fear that
they could be punished by losing the
As discussed in chapter 2, the system care of their children if they were seen
that women were required to negotiate to be challenging the inevitability of an
was complex and poorly coordinated. ongoing relationship between ex-partners
Yet one woman reported that she was and children. For example, Woman 10
warned against too strenuous efforts to was warned against raising allegations
ensure that the system was protecting her of domestic violence by her doctor, legal
children: representatives and the Judge:
And then you get told “Don’t ring I was told by my doctor – don’t go
and chase things up even if things into that because if you mention
aren’t done right” because then that domestic violence in Court, you’re
will put people offside – I mean, I’m stuffed …I wasn’t allowed to [mention
just a mother trying to make sure the domestic violence in court]…One
everyone does their job to protect incident – and that was when he
my child without going overboard. attacked me in my home and that
But then I can’t foresee or make was only because it was 3 weeks
sure that’s done because then that before I went to Court. And I gave my
can be turned around on me in the evidence, he gave the exact opposite
Family Court apparently and I can – the Judge therefore said ‘well I’ve
be seen as too aggressive rather got no idea what’s happened …
than – and I’m thinking “Well what both of you should be ashamed of
mother would want to protect their your behaviour because it happened
children. Wouldn’t a mother do in front of the child and [woman] of
anything that they thought right or all the allegations that you’ve made
fit or legal to protect their children?” against [ex]” …because the Judge
You’re told that you’ll be seen as actually threatened to take [child] off
overly protective or ambitious or me and that I would have supervised
aggressive or that sort of thing and care if he saw me in Court again with
it can be used against his side. So such rubbish. Yeah. “You wouldn’t be
I suppose you constantly feel like a stupid enough again Ms [X] would you
round peg trying to be pushed in a because I would make it my something
square hole. to ensure that you had supervised care
with this child.”…The judge did not
The message from statutory child want to know. He was just absolutely
protection services that it was up to the very adamant that any discussions
women to protect their children, together about domestic violence other than
with the climate of scepticism that they that one occasion, which he still
encountered in the family law system, left managed to blame me on, were not to
them as very disempowered advocates be discussed and this isn’t what this
for the safety of their children. Court is for.
More harm than good? The Woman 13 had separated when her child
perils of raising allegations of who was now school aged was an infant
and had orders for fortnightly weekend
violence and abuse contact. She was being harassed at
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55
And there’s nothing I can do. Either Woman 19 received messages from a
go to Court and have the risk of range of people that made her reticent
losing my boy or just stick out and to name inappropriately sexualized
I’m in the wrong … As it goes to behaviour:
this Court case, I don’t know where
I stand. I don’t know what to do …even he was coming into my
next. Like I’m too scared to even go daughter’s bedroom of a night time.
back to Court. What’s to say that I found out later. But there were
the Courts won’t give half and half? things in his behaviour that I found
I don’t want that for [child]. quite inappropriate with the kids.
He would hold them down on top of
Woman 16 was struggling with how him and tickle them and – actually
much to disclose about her ex-partner’s it came up in Court that the mother
sexually inappropriate intrusive believed that there is – I think it’s
behaviours with their adolescent called sexualised behaviour. And
daughter: my solicitor at the time was saying
“Did you say that?” And I said
And it’s a very difficult situation “Well, no. I didn’t say that. But I did
because I have been told if I do go believe that his behaviour was very
there and talk about the [intrusive inappropriate around the children.”
behaviour] and the fact that he I looked at going into that in depth
comes into the bathroom and the in the Court documents but I got
fact that he puts on R rated movies some advice from some domestic
– I’ve spoken about that – but just violence people to be very careful
to mention something about him because of Gardiner’s parental
[intruding with eldest daughter]. If I alienation. So I probably didn’t go
come out and say something wrong, into that as in depth as – in a perfect
that it can slap me back because he world I would have liked to … A
could say ‘what are you insinuating’ couple of people said to me “No,
and then he’ll tell the kids that don’t go there because you could
mum’s saying that I’m trying to lose your children.”
sexually abuse you.
Woman 20 was aware of the dangers of
The women’s lawyers were obviously very disclosing too much about sexual abuse
influential in shaping their views about of the children and perhaps not being in
disclosing violence: a position to protect them if she was not
believed by the court:
I’d had really strong reservations
about him [solicitor]. He was saying … it’s very hard with it because
things like domestic violence you get to disclose some things
doesn’t count at all, that it has no but you’ve got to be guarded and
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56
The potency of the common beliefs about periods of perhaps 20 minutes in which to
women and allegations of abuse and observe father-child interaction:
violence in the context of family law was
enhanced by the lack of understanding Because they wanted to interview
displayed by many professionals about him [ex partner] and then I and then
the dynamics of domestic violence and they wanted to see us interact with
child abuse, of their interconnection and [son] and I just think that’s such a
of their effects on women and children. fake …like you’re in a room like this
and she’s [report writer] standing
there through a mirror with the
Domestic violence tactics windows watching how he’s [ex-
unrecognised partner] interacting with (son) so of
course he’s going to be on his best
The women were dismayed that many behaviour … Well if he can’t control
professionals that they encountered had himself while you’re watching you
very limited understanding of the tactics know that would be pretty crazy!
employed by their abusers and of the
abuser’s ability to manipulate and deceive Another woman was distressed that the
them. At its most extreme, such lack of assessor did not understand the way in
understanding put women and children’s which her child’s fear of his father might
safety at greater risk. For example, this be expressed:
woman had experienced stalking and
harassment for many years since her She [Family Report Writer] wanted
separation, yet: us all in the same room … And
when [son] saw his father, his face
When [perpetrator] moved in across fell, he walked up to his father
the road and I was broken into – and he’s gone: “I’m happy to see
when I went to the police station the you” because he knows he has
first time, I went into the room with to choose. If he was to ignore his
him [police officer] and he said to father, if he was to – and this is
me, just taking details – ‘oh he might what I tried to explain to the Family
just fancy you, that’s why he moved Report Writer and she said to
across the road, he might fancy you’ me: “You know in your heart that
– this is a young male policeman. that’s all wrong” and I’m thinking
“No I don’t”… And she couldn’t
The women also encountered the understand why [son] went to his
common belief that abusive men could father if he’s scared of his father.
be identified simply through observation, He goes to his father because he
despite the fact that “… most batterers knows if he doesn’t he’s going to get
perform well under observation.” (Bancroft flogged next time he goes around.
& Silverman, 2002, p. 198). Nevertheless, He knows the consequences for
it was common for assessors to use short ignoring him.
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59
Other women found that there was limited mediation which was very, very
understanding of forms of abuse other hard to be in the same room,
than physical violence: directly opposite the table with
someone who, for the last 15 years
Another thing that I think that is that has pushed me in a corner and
I remember the magistrate saying, in that’s basically – and I’ve got to
the evidence that she had, that she try and voice what I want in that
didn’t really see anything there that scenario where there is someone
looked like violence. And I thought sitting directly – glaring at you
‘oh’, because what she is looking directly over this table and you’ve
for is bruises and [perpetrator] does got to try and voice what I want…
things like – with [eldest son] he
would grab his legs and twist them But then I found at mediation
across his body – like – and he again, very disturbing – because
could grab your arm really hard but here I am, I’ve got a man who’s a
not give you a bruise. So – and his compulsive liar, that’s threatened
main form of violence really was the my life, that’s threatened to take
psychological and emotional – that my children away from me and I
was big time. And that wasn’t really have to come into this room being
recognised as violence. (Woman 15) like – I have to show him that what
he’s doing to me and what he’s
…well the law says that there’s an done to me, it’s not affecting me
exception for domestic violence but because I don’t want him to think
domestic violence is not understood that I’ve gone down … which is
by the Court and therefore – and if it is exactly what he would love to see,
understood in the Court, it’s only physical that way he can takeover and what
abuse. Emotional abuse is not taken that have you. And I have to put on a
seriously and therefore I’m not really front in front of him and then I have
hopeful for the future. I think that my to try and express myself to the
children will continue to be emotionally mediator that I am so upset that I
abused by the father. They might even be am so down, so depressed over
physically abused because there’s no-one this whole situation. Yet I have to
there to stop him from doing that. That’s put a smile on and show him that
my point. I think the abuse will go on he hasn’t gotten to me. I find that
and the Courts will allow that to happen very hard. I found it very hard that
because of their idealistic views and their we had to be in the same room …
lack of comprehension of what domestic It would have been better to have
violence is about and what abuse is about been in separate rooms.
and what the impact of abuse is on the
children. (Woman 12) Similar experiences and reactions were
reported in women’s dealings with report
Traumatic responses writers and in court hearings:
– I just didn’t feel safe. I basically and drawn out. My eyes are always
didn’t feel safe enough to speak bloodshot because I’ve been crying
freely about things that had been the night before. So I probably look
happening …This is the same as like everything he’s accusing me of
I felt whenever I had to go Court being. And I probably don’t look like
with my ex, period … It was just a very good parent because I can’t
the mere fact that he was there, hold it together when he’s in the
already walking towards the Court room.
wondering whether we would walk
into him or not, made it, for me, For woman 12, the combination of
very stressful to start with. Now the despair that the assessor was being
Court case is stressful anyway. But I manipulated by the abuser and the
think that also influenced very much impact of the trauma of abuse on her
my focus and my being able to put ability to express herself inhibited her
my foot down and say like ‘this ability to speak for what she wanted for
is what I want and nothing more’ the children:
or ‘I can’t agree with that’, I can
agree with that.’ So the first Court So she [report writer] was
case where we actually sat down negotiating suddenly for him [ex], for
and had to come to an agreement his part. And I felt she was unaware
and our solicitors were talking to about his – the fact that he was
each other, just hearing his voice manipulating her by using his sons
in the background made me feel … but I think it’s more the second
scared and insecure … if I would time that I felt that his charms had
have been able to focus myself, if I a big impact on her and so she
wouldn’t have been in that nervous came back with questions like ‘why
tension, feeling of fear that I would not this’ and ‘why not that’ and it
have been able to focus better and made me feel like I was the boogie
to come to an agreement which I man and I was a difficult person to
would feel more happy about, or deal with. I also felt that I could not
feel more solid about. express myself properly because I
didn’t feel that the situation was fully
But, they put you in the same floor safe because … I felt that she was
as the abuser! To wait for the court on his side and that sort of – that
case. Because you have to show made me lose my confidence in
respect to the other parent, which speaking openly to her. [long pause]
means that in the AVO court the It’s more than that. I just couldn’t
judge allowed me to look at him and speak – I just felt like it numbed me.
I didn’t have to look at my abuser. It’s like ‘oh my God’. I don’t think
But in the Family Court I have to I was able to speak freely about
show respect to the other parent how I felt about things. I wasn’t
because he’s the parent of my able to freely to say her ‘yeah, he
children so I’m going to have to look seems very charming but he’s had a
at him. I haven’t looked at him for problem’.
18 months, and I don’t know if I’m
just going to slip back into the old Another woman, however, was aware
me and just agree with everything that recognition of the ongoing impacts
he says for survival tactics because of trauma could work against her in being
it’s all too much. I don’t know what assessed as a good parent:
my reaction is going to be. I know
Sometimes it will work against you.
my physical reaction is that I shake.
So my psychiatrist… it may work
So I look like a drug addict. I vomit
against us. She’s (psychiatrist) had
all morning so I’m probably all pale
reports put forth from her before,
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62
anything about that. We don’t know if they documented that and they
anything about AVOs …” told me “Oh they can’t document
that”. And I just thought “Well, ok
Despite the Family Court’s recognition well if you can’t document it and the
of high risk to two young children with supervision stops, if he’s at risk of
final orders allowing the father only very self harming himself, he could harm
limited supervised contact with the my [child] as well.”[upset]
children due to a history of sexual abuse
and child abduction, another woman This woman was disappointed that there
found that the contact service did not was no detailed assessment of her ex-
recognise the risks posed to the children partner’s capacity to care for the children:
and allowed a number of unsafe practices
to occur: My ex used drugs and he drank a
lot and I found him mentally not
… at Christmas he bought some very stable. He’s been complaining
clothes and the Centre allowed him to me about, he wanted to commit
to take all [young child’s] clothes off suicide and things like that … I
except the underpants and shoes to just want him to be assessed as
put on clothes of his … if it was me, well – whether he was emotionally
I would have said ‘go into the toilet, ok and also capable to raise the
put this on and come back’…and children and in a competent way
I’m thinking “it’s too much invasive … And the point was, my solicitor
for these children’, what they’ve said ‘well you don’t have any
been through. And when he first evidence’… So there’s no evidence
started going to the Centre, the of his drug use, there’s no evidence
Centre allowed him to take [child] of his drinking … And all I wanted
to the toilet by himself, just the two to know for sure whether he was off
of them to go to the toilet … And the drugs and I wanted to have a
[another time] he bought himself peace of mind for myself, but also
a motorcycle and … he wanted to the security for the children’s safety
take the kids out to see his bike for the children – that he has some
and the Centre let him take them sort of assessment done in which it
out of the Centre and put them on has shown that he could handle the
the motorcycle and someone from children in a positive way … So my
the Centre took photos … And the concerns for the children have not
head of the Centre, said ‘well there been answered at all.
was no problem, someone was
with him’. But he’d sat them on the On the other hand, some women’s
bike and they were taking photos concerns for the safety of their children
and I said ‘but you don’t you realise resulted in their being labelled as
he’s already taken off with [them] “anxious”. Their anxiety, rather than
before?’ the risk posed by the perpetrator to
the children then became the focus of
Another woman recognized her ex- attention:
partner’s threat to commit suicide,
reported to her by a Contact Service And I just keep thinking ‘as long
worker, as a serious risk factor for their as he’s safe’, but the no food and
child, but no action was taken by the the unchanged nappy and the dirty
service: one as well but as long as he’s safe
but that’s the other thing that the
They also told me that my ex- family report said that I’m anxious
partner was also at risk of self about the situation but how can I be
harming himself, the Contact Centre anything else? ... So on Saturday or
said that. And then I asked them whenever he has him I’m a nervous
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67
wreck in the police station until I not think that the Court took the threats
see him because he’s threatened to and stalking into account at all since the
take him, he’s from [other country] final orders referred to neither these nor
so he’s threatened to take him to to the ADVO.
[country] and that I’ll never see
him again … but that’s another Even when the risk to women was
thing with the court that was very identified, proactive protective action was
lax ...”Oh well he doesn’t have a not necessarily initiated, in this case by
passport so it doesn’t matter” and the police:
I’m thinking I’m not talking about
getting him out of the country Constable [X] from [local] Police
legally … all these kids that you hear Station can’t get over how angry
about on the news how else do they and aggressive he [ex] is towards
get out? So until I see him I get you me. But they’re still letting him
know in the afternoon I think ‘oh go. And when I went and made a
he’s back again safe’… but I really statement today, I said to the police
feel that people just don’t get it ‘I’m scared for my safety’. I said
which is fair enough because if you ‘Even though I come to the police
haven’t been through it … I wouldn’t station [for contact change-overs], I
understand all this. It’s crazy!! still don’t feel safe … And even the
copper who’s charging him – the
Inadequate risk assessment sergeant, he goes ‘he’s losing it’…
‘ He’s just got so much rage in his
– failure to focus on the safety face and his voice when he sees
of women you two guys’ [woman and new
partner]. That should be enough for
As discussed in the first chapter, those coppers – shouldn’t it? He’s
changeovers were frequently a context in dangerous. And he’s such a big
which women continued to be subjected person too.
to violence and abuse from ex-partners.
The data identified a number of examples Woman 4 did not find that the protection
of failures to assess and manage the offered matched up to what she was
risk to women’s safety associated with led to expect when attending the Family
managing changeovers. For example, Court for family assessment:
although one woman’s ex-partner was
judged an “unacceptable risk” to his The letter got sent saying… if
children on the basis of evidence of there’s been issues with domestic
sexual abuse, he was allowed to have violence we’ll activate a safety plan
supervised contact with the children or something like that. So I did that
when the criminal case against him did and it was like the woman was really
not proceed. This outcome of the criminal ticked off that I had done it because
charges may reflect the well-recognised it meant that she had to then keep
difficulties of criminally prosecuting cases us in separate rooms and it was just
of child sexual assault (Fitzgerald, 2006) really horrible. Then she said ‘well
rather than the veracity of the children’s I think you should go in while he’s
allegations, which in this case were with [son]’, and it was like I had no
supported by forensic evidence. Although choice and it was just, it was just
this man had threatened the woman’s life horrible and (son) was so confused
and stalked her, resulting in the granting because I kept coming in and out
of an ADVO, the Family Court ordered her and in and out …
to relocate to facilitate contact, disrupting
the new life that she had established. Another woman found that the contact
She was also required to provide her ex- service did not understand the dynamics
partner with her contact details. She did of stalking and the risks it posed to her,
Page No way to live
68
2
‘Parental Alienation Syndrome’ (PAS) is a term coined by American Psychiatrist Richard Gardner. Based on no empirical evidence and
subsequently rejected in the scientific literature as “junk science”(Meier, 2009, p. 4), it proposed that vengeful mothers fabricated abuse
allegations and turned children against innocent fathers in custody matters. Initially referring to child sexual assault, it later became associated
Page No way to live
69
saying things to their father because dad’s gone. We don’t want him
I think they are scared of the back in the house.’ [Child] used to
repercussions. And because they’re hide under the dining room table
being forced to spend time with this with a sword and say ‘don’t let
man if they say anything against him dad come into the house. I’ll give
he can make their life hell. you my sword. You can get him.
Don’t let him near me again.’ And
They also faced damaged relationships then [tearful] there’s this constant
with their children as a result of the pressure that if you don’t allow the
abuse: children to see their father, that
you’re taking something away. You
My [teenage] daughter … took off on me, are – you’re taking away a violent,
living out on the streets, living with friends abusive, lying man who hasn’t
– she’s cut and razor bladed her arms, changed in years.
she’s ripped her arms apart, she blames
me for everything and I keep saying … my youngest, she doesn’t want
‘you’re right, it’s all my fault’. I mean, it is to go to him and so she cries, she
my fault for staying with him, for allowing screams, she ‘no, no, no’, she’s
everything to happen because she was grabbing onto my neck as he’s
the one that got hurt the most. grabbing and she’s kicking him
because she doesn’t want to go …
They also had to cope with the children’s And so I worry about the impact that
distress at spending time with their fathers, that’s having on them. And so it’s – I
and in particular with being the ones to find it’s very distressing some of the
have to force their children to do this: things they come home and say. “My
daddy said he’s going to run over
And just trying to get him [child] to
you” or “My daddy wants me to go
understand – he comments to me
to karate so I can bash you”. Like it’s
that before he has to go and that
very distressing.
when he comes home – the first
comment to me after ‘I hate you Another woman talked about her unease
because you forced me to go’… I at having to encourage the children to see
get the anger. I get the frustration. the father about whom they had alleged
I get the whole ‘why do I have to sexual abuse. Clearly, in another context,
go – I don’t want to go – I don’t like a mother would not be expected to force
going – I don’t want to be there’. And contact between children and a suspected
it’s all directed back at me which is sexual abuser:
basically making me have to take 10
steps back and go ‘it’s not his dad, … like I always tell my children it’s
it’s [son], he’s upset and he has to ok to have feelings – if you want to
have someone or something to fire be angry or happy or sad or any
at’. And I’m that firing line. of that, that’s ok. But when they
come up with these feelings: “I
They just were terrified of having don’t want to go”, “I don’t want to
to see their father …This morning see Daddy”, “I don’t love Daddy”,
[child] said, said ‘Tell [name] we “I don’t like Daddy” or “Daddy
don’t want to see dad, that’s hurts me”, “I’m scared of Daddy”.
because he has done really mean I still have to say “You have to go
things to me and my sister and and this is the situation”. And their
mum. I don’t like him and I don’t feelings are discounted so, in one
want to see him.’ [ crying] So, it’s way you’re supposed to go and
still the same … That really breaks teach them protective behaviours
my heart … from the time he left and in another, you know, it teaches
the house, it was – ‘we’re so glad them to ignore their feelings as well.
with all allegations of abuse and domestic violence. Despite its lack of scientific validity, it has been extremely influential in many professionals
developing a sceptical approach to allegations of abuse within the family law context and has discouraged investigation of allegations. For a full
discussion see Meier (2009).
Page No way to live
70
So it’s very hard. So you’re sort of have been around an issue with his
fighting contradictions along the way father. They’ve all happened around
I suppose at times. an issue with his father.
Helplessness at being able to assist their Often the times after changeovers of care
children was a common feeling: were particularly difficult:
My [8 year old] son rang me in tears Yeah that first night back. You
wanting to come home and I’m know, even the eight year old, he
saying: “I’m sorry I can’t come and calls me a slut a whore. And yeah,
pick you up I’ll be in breach of the I get hit.
orders if I come and pick you up” and
I didn’t want to start any of that. So I The kids are totally different when
said: “look if you really want to get out they get back to me. Like I said
of there you ring and you tell another before. My daughter threw the
adult, somebody that you know you TV at me because her father told
want to leave or whatever or you her that I have a boyfriend so she
make moves to leave the house didn’t speak to me for three days.
yourself.” So this time he did. It was
pouring with rain he had had a fight … he comes back I can’t even
with his father and his father had told describe he’s like a caged animal
him to get out so he packed his bags, when he comes back it takes me
his school bag and that sort of thing two days to bring him back to
and he met me down at the park. He normal so I really value those days
said “mummy I’ll wait for you down that I have off [work] … and we
the end of the road at the park to have a contact book and that’s
pick me up”. meant to be for [son] only and he
[ex] puts all these stupid messages
For others, helping the children to cope in there for me and so he’ll literally
with fathers who did not maintain contact hand me the contact book, I’ll grab
was stressful: [son] and he will look me right in
the eye and say “mummy” and hit
I mean, the kids find it really, really me and then look at him [ex] for
hard with the father because even approval. And I’ll say “no we don’t
though he has – weekly phone hit in our house” and hold his hand
contact – there’d be a number of down and say “don’t behave like
times where he’s gone months this” and he’s just, a completely
without ringing them. Even though different child when he comes
he has mid-term weekend contact. back, it’s horrible.
He’s only turned up once … And at
no point, on any of those times, did Children denied counselling
he give us advanced notice except
one occasion that he wasn’t going Despite the high levels of distress of
to come. So the kids get ready, the children described by the women,
they get packed and they get – they obtaining professional assistance for
don’t want to go, they do want to them was not possible in most cases.
go – and then that happens – and For some, this was a decision made by
my eldest son particularly just sees the Family Court as in a case where the
it because of dad doesn’t want Court suspended contact while criminal
to spend time with me. And so it matters concerning allegations of child
destroys his ego and self esteem sexual assault were proceeding. However,
… He’s also repeatedly pulled a the mother was ordered not to involve the
knife on himself and says he wants children in counselling over this period
to die. And most of those incidents of time in case the counselling “affected
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71
proceedings.” Yet good practice in child … one of the main things that I
sexual assault treatment links recovery to wanted to do was to try and get my
timely access to support and counselling kids into some sort of counselling
for children and non –offending parents because I can see that their self
(Lovett, 1995; Plummer & Eastin, 2007). esteem is getting to them and you
The court order prioritised the legal know the way they are abusing me
process – which was conducted over … so there is nowhere I have found,
several years – over the right of children nowhere. Most of these places like
to counselling to resolve the trauma [agency] and places like that they
arising from sexual assault by a trusted won’t see the kids until they are out
adult. of that traumatic situation so that
means until they are no longer in
Other women were advised by their contact with their father they won’t
lawyers that seeking counselling could touch - won’t even look at the kids.
jeopardize their legal position: And I think the kids need it now
they need to learn how to defend
Well they were querying that [son] themselves against this kind of
had [mental health condition] or he abuse … they will only clean up the
was so traumatised by the actions aftermath but while they are in this
of his father that he was coming up relationship with this abusive person
with [mental health]-type symptoms we don’t want to know ‘em.
and he was seeing a paediatrician
for that. And now the paediatrician In several other cases, the women’s ex-
feels that it’s more that – like he has partner would not agree to the children’s
a post traumatic stress disorder and having counselling as in the following
this has caused problems with his example where the mother had searched
speech, has caused problems with to find an agency willing to help:
his learning, it’s caused problems
with his behaviour – he has a lot of So and I thought ok, I’ve got to
acting out behaviour around contact do something about that because
visits. And sleeping – he’s had a he’s [child] finally disclosed why
lot of nightmares. So he feels it’s he doesn’t want to go, he’s
more to do with the fact that he has uncomfortable and he doesn’t like
a post traumatic stress disorder. it etc, etc. And so I rang up – well,
The paediatrician said he needs first of all I rang up counsellors to
counselling. So then you go to the see if I could get my son into some
solicitor and the solicitor said “oh, counselling to see – he wasn’t
it’s still a bit dangerous for you at telling me a lot of this emotion,
the moment”. so I wasn’t too sure if he was
making it up – like kids can make
Others encountered agency policies that up stories. Sometimes kids
precluded their children from receiving exaggerate things. So I thought
counselling: the best thing to do is to send
him to go and see someone
My son was seeing a counsellor and make sure that he’s been
at the local Area Health Service, safe and that he was OK …
except at the time we were in they wouldn’t want to take the
Family Court, she didn’t want to case … [finally] they said, ok
see us because they didn’t want to we are willing to take the case
be involved in Family Court matters but we need to get the father’s
… “We don’t want to be involved permission for counselling. And
in Family Court matters. We don’t that became a problem because
want to be subpoenaed. It is our when I had spoken to the father
policy.” about permission for my son to
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72
have counselling, he refused. And drive back with them in the school
that was the end of counselling. I holidays … when it was getting
couldn’t get counselling for him. close to school holidays and I knew
he was taking them [away], for that
Whatever the barrier to the children’s week before I’d be really praying
counselling, the result was that the hard that God would keep them
women were commonly left as the safe.
sole supporters of distressed children,
at the very time that the women were Others feared the impact of a poor role
often at their lowest ebb in dealing model on their children. For example:
with the complex systems and their
children’s distressed and difficult If the harassment keeps going, if the
behaviour: harassment keeps going – [child]
will be just like him – he’ll move
It’s up to the mothers and we’re away from his mum – he won’t want
the stressed ones we’re the ones nothing to do with me and then he’s
going through all this you know going to his father and drink, do
crap and we’re lucky if we can drugs, smoke – do what he wants.
get out of bed half the time. You And what can I do to stop him? I
know, let alone trying to stand up can’t do anything to stop him.
for our kids.
Because this has already been
The emotional toll on women going on for four years and I don’t
know how long this custody thing
As a result of their experiences in will take. It could another year and
attempting to achieve safety for other half year and in the meantime
themselves and their children, the women these kids are learning all these bad
felt that they were on a lonely, largely behaviours you know that it’s the
unsupported journey. They expressed worst role model out even though
feelings of helplessness, fear, injustice its their father, but then it’s even
and anger about their experiences of more so. They’re being pushed
negotiating the service system. Overriding onto this bad role model with no
all other emotional responses by the defence. So how are they gonna’
women was fear for the well being and come out any differently? So to me
safety of their children. Some of these the problem will get worse. Cause
fears related to risks of harm and neglect these children are will grow up with
while the children were in the care of their all these bad ideas and being and
fathers. they’re being forced to learn by
putting them in contact with their
My [toddler] child will be neglected. fathers. How are they going to know
During the night when he wakes any different?
up and he asks for his mother, well
the father doesn’t wake up at all Knowing their ex-partner’s capacity for
because he’ll be drunk. (Woman 18) violence filled some women with fear
about how the children would cope with
When I got the orders, I was still this on their own, without their protection.
terrified because I feared for the For example:
life of my children because he
drives recklessly … I thought that … overnight stays is a major
my children would probably end concern to me because, in my
up being seriously injured or killed experience with him when we lived
when they’re in the car with him together, the evenings and the
because his parents live at [rural mornings were usually very difficult
town] and so he would drive up and because he was very tense, very
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73
easily annoyed, irritated. He usually one day and be Karen Bell on telly
wanted to be left alone to watch TV and my children never come back
and couldn’t handle any noises or to me again. He lives [where it’s
somebody walking in front of the isolated] and eventually he’ll get
TV … So that was a very stressful unsupervised visits.
time for me, because I was trying
to make the children do what their For some of the women, there was a
Dad wanted without putting stress sense of guilt that they had escaped the
in it … [Those situations] could abuse and violence to which their children
easily still happen but I’m not there would continue to be subjected. Although
to protect them any more and that’s they had not, in fact, ‘left their children
my biggest fear. Those would also behind’, they were aware that the children
be the things I won’t hear from the were now alone in the face of their
children because I feel that they fathers’ behaviour. For example:
think they were the ones that were
at fault … My hope is that they are And now I’m away I’m free and I’m
all right but I don’t know. so scared for my children because I
don’t want them being hurt the way
… because you don’t know if I was you know, I don’t want ... I’m
they’re safe or what’s going on strong and I got through it but I just
at that house. And if you’ve seen hope my kids will get strong as well
– there was never any violence cause they will never get away from
to the girls but there was to me it (crying). Really, I mean … (crying).
and I know, as I’ve seen him snap,
and you go ‘what happens if that This led two women to contemplate
happens when the girls are there?’ returning to the abusive partners in order
If I was there to stop it – what to protect their children:
happens if I’m not there to stop it?
If he wins then I will go back to him
Several of the women feared lethal because I will not feel safe with my
violence towards their children: [child] being there.
Well I can’t see there being a future Because there’s been times when
because I’m scared [ex partner] is I’ve considered going back to him
going to do something [upset] – I do because it may be easier. Like even
I fear for the kids’ life if they go with now, I think in my head that it would
him – I’m scared that they’re not be easier but I won’t do it.
going to come back. Just because
Loss was another emotion expressed by
of his mental illness and no one will
the women, as expressed for example
listen. [crying]
by this woman who had moved from an
But I know at any time, my ex affluent suburb to a much less affluent area:
husband could go off the rails and
… But all the facilities that I had in
hit the roof. Now it only takes one
[previous location] like my personal
split second, whether it’s down the
doctor, our doctors , paediatricians
track or whenever, whether it’s at
all those sorts of things, community
a supervised visit which he would
groups, all those things I was in for
be mad to do, it does happen in
the kids, the kids group, that’s all
some cases. Something could
[gone]- So yeah, but moving from
happen. Now it’s too late when
[affluent suburb] to here, being a
something’s happened. And I said
single mother … and living in the
to that to DoCS a couple of times
[suburb] area … I didn’t want the
when I’ve had to speak to them. It
phobia of being a single mother in
is too late. I don’t want turn around
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74
it where the children were living. So between mum and dad, that’s
we were driving several hours for a between mum and dad. I’ve got
2 hour visit. my life. I’ve got a great life. Dad’s
got his life. He’s got a great life,
And another thing is now I don’t because he’s always saying he’s
have transport, I have to take two going out for dinners and stuff like
trains out there [to the contact that, which is all good. And you kids
service] and two back. That’s four have got a beautiful bright future.
just to see him, in one visit. And this And it’s all about you kids now. And
Saturday is track work and I just I keep installing that into the kids.
learnt that I’ve got to catch a bus to Mum and dad are grown up, we can
[suburb] – then from there I have to sort it out. Don’t get involved.
catch a train to Central and then a
train to [contact service suburb] and Despite their own emotional distress, the
not every train goes to there … And ongoing struggle to achieve safe parenting
that’s a lot of travel for 2 [young] arrangements, and the everyday stress
children. And especially when they of caring for children with very limited
know they’re going somewhere like resources, the women demonstrated an
the Centre. approach to mothering that seems best
described as “compensatory work”.
As discussed above, the barriers That is, they appeared to have to work
to accessing mental health care for extremely hard to make up the ground
children left the women alone to assist lost to a system that they had looked to
the children’s recovery from traumatic for help and protection but that they felt
exposure to violence and abuse and had let them and their children down.
with their ongoing relationships with their In the face of their struggles to achieve
fathers. Yet despite their involvement safe parenting arrangements and the
in multiple and exhausting court children’s distressed behaviour, the
proceedings and agency visits, they women showed determination to support
demonstrated determination to assist and assist the children to cope with the
their children through difficult times: trauma they had experienced and the
ongoing unsatisfactory relationships with
I’ll move heaven and earth to their fathers. For example, in the face of
protect my kids! the failure of the system to protect her
children from a situation in which they
But when it comes to my kids, nup.
were exposed to inappropriate sexual
You know I’d walk coals before
films and intrusive behaviours, one
anything happens to them.
woman instigated a form of “protective
behaviours” to try to make her children
Despite the widespread beliefs about
safe when in the care of their father:
women attempting to ‘alienate’ children
from fathers (discussed in Chapter 3),
I’m trying to teach the children that
many of the women were engaged in
when mum’s not around, always
efforts to assist the children to develop
go into the bathroom. Always have
a positive relationship with their fathers,
your underwear, singlet and pyjamas
which they saw as important to the
ready, your towel – never, ever let
children’s development and well being.
anybody come into the bathroom
For example:
when you’re in the shower because
I know my ex hangs out with people
I always say to my kids, even
that are pretty similar to him …
though I’m aware of what [father]’s
And I use to say to my kids, like “I
all about, I’ve always told the kids
don’t want anyone, whether it be
to love their dad and respect him,
my brother, your dad, his friends,
it doesn’t matter what happens
his cousins – I don’t want anybody
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77
coming into the bathroom and track than most of the other women,
always be dressed appropriately”. having been separated for many years
And when I find that my daughter and returning to mediation to negotiate
says to me that dad comes into the changed arrangements, talked of how she
bathroom – mind you there are 3 helped her child to cope emotionally:
bathrooms in the house – and when
she tells me that dad comes into the But I think in terms of my son’s
bathroom to go to the toilet, again I mental health or emotional health,
find that very disturbing. that he has been affected over the
period of time in a way, where I could
Some women described working very hard say I was affected, when I was living
to help their children regain composure in that situation with him. And what
after stressful contacts: I do and what I often suggest to
people who are in this position, is to
I take them out afterwards and they every time your child comes home,
go to a park. In summer they go to try and spend some time with them
a pool, and in winter they go to a and talk to them about how they feel
park. I let them run wild, you know, and about how they might feel with
like within reason. And they get it things, and affectively when they
all out of their system. Then we go are with their fathers. You let them
home. We always go somewhere know that they can talk about it …
and let them get it out of their system and just teaching them the tools to
because I see the eldest one – she survive really … So the best thing I
gets really upset and it takes her can do now is the knowledge that
sometimes a day or two to settle I do have is to talk to him, talk him
down. Sometimes even when they go through it and allow him to be able
home, they’re still unsettled and I’ve to express whatever he can at home,
got to deal with all that. when he comes home. And I think
that makes me feel good that I guess
Dealing with children on return from I’ve done my job as a parent and
ex partners’ care demanded extreme also in terms – we tend to feel guilty
patience and understanding on the part about ‘well wasn’t there more that I
of the women: could do to help him’. But allowing
myself, and forgiving myself well that
With [son], I’ll cop it for 4 days
I did everything I could. There wasn’t
where [son] is just absolutely
anything else that I could do.
unbearable. You can’t do a thing
with him. He’s literally like a caged Another woman drew on her own
cat – you’ve got to pull him off the experience of surviving emotional abuse
ceiling and try and calm him down to help her children cope with their father’s
constantly. “[Son]. Stop. Breath. erratic contact and emotional and verbal
Calm Down. Come down about 10 abuse:
levels mate. Talk to me. Don’t yell
at me. Don’t scream in my face”. I guess more so since I left because
You go give him a hug, his fists are even I wasn’t really aware of what
raised. If you go anywhere near him, was going on while we were together.
“Mate, I was just going to give you a I was just in a bad space and … but
hug. I’m not going to hurt you”. He I‘ve done a bit of counselling here
goes “I know you’re not going to hurt and reading and stuff and I can see
me mum, but” and there’s always a it all now. Now that I’m totally away
“but” and then he’ll run. And you sort from it. I just explain it to them at
of think “aarghh”. times and stuff … Because they’re
thinking why doesn’t he [father] want
One woman, who was further down the to hang out with me or do stuff with
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78
me? You know like if they’re trying to been able to think ahead about toilet
get his love all the time and he won’t training, and all that sort of thing – so
give it. That why I say: “that’s nothing it cuts down on – obviously when
to do with you that’s just the way he we’ve had the sexual part come out,
does things.” all the things that I can possibly do
to protect my children. So in one
She was working towards arrangements way, supervised contact has been
that would provide the children with as very hard on the children and myself
much security and good role models as and the family and then we see the
she could: aftermath of it – you know to do with
tantrums or upset or a couple of
So, what I’m proposing with him days or the week before or whatever,
having the children school holidays is not wanting to go … I might be seen
that my idea is that at least I can take as not a very good mother for doing
care of their education, their stability that but my children come first, and
I can find good role models in their that includes their emotional and
lives which I’m trying to do … But as mental state and if this is going to
long as I can control their schooling help them in that transition so be it.
and make sure they’re doing well at I’ve got to think of not just now and
school and that sort of thing it’s a here, but down the track with those
greater more important part of their children.
life. So no, it is a hard one because I
know that he [father] can affect their One case did not fit this pattern. A woman
self confidence and all that sort of who felt that her relationship with her
stuff I mean it took me a long time child had been totally undermined by
to get over the way he treated me her ex-partner, had agreed to the child
and until I knew what was going on residing with the father and to having no
but I suppose that at least I’ve been contact. Through relentless contravention
through it and I’m there for my kids litigation, her ex-partner had carried out
and I can explain things to them so his threat:
it’s sort of helping to back them up
and make them more resilient… He said to me when I left that he will
have [child] and he will put my life
Woman 20 felt that she was betraying through hell if I left him. And he’ll
her children through forcing them to have me in and out Court until he
have contact with their father after their got [child].
disclosures of sexual abuse. However she
described how she was trying to prepare Inadequate response in one
for a future where they might have to have
unsupervised contact, so had to balance
part of the system flows on to
the children’s distress in the immediate the Family Court…
term with their longer term protection:
The Family Courts rely on evidence
… because I’ve thought about later from interventions in other parts of the
on, if he happens to get supervised/ domestic violence and child protection
unsupervised or whatever, my systems. If the response of other
children will always probably have to agencies is inadequate, the flow-on
have a, you know, that contact with effects can impact on the decisions of
their father despite what I believe, the Family Courts as they do not receive
or whoever believes, that’s gone on accurate information. As previously
and I’ve got to think of my children’s discussed, one key example of this
best interest in the adjustment. So problem arises when other agencies,
if they have little increments and it’s particularly DoCS did not or were
supervised, and during that time I’ve unable to investigate allegations of child
Page No way to live
79
that I wasn’t in fear him and they [domestic violence child support]
asked me about this one specific exemption … Because they [Child
date where I let him in. I forgot Support Agency] don’t want to deal
the date. I mean, I remembered with him. But even though nobody
the date but they said “Was that takes any notice of it, I refuse to do
Wednesday or Thursday?” and I it because I still want it to be seen
said “Thursday” and she said “No, that he’s not – that he’s played such
it was Wednesday”… And then she games with child support and then
said to the judge “She doesn’t even he’s getting out of paying child
know what day it was” and then the support …
AVO wasn’t granted.
And when we were in a supervision
Even though the children in another case centre, he repeatedly didn’t show
had been subjected to extreme physical up … he’d only provided notice on
abuse, they were not protected through one occasion voluntarily … And
the AVO system: on third time he didn’t show up,
the Centre just simply couldn’t
The Magistrate wouldn’t allow get hold of him and even when I
children to be put on the AVO, in went a fortnight later for the next
Court … The police actually applied contact, they said that he’d never
for the children to be on my AVO returned any of their calls, any of
and the Magistrate took them back their messages and they said ‘oh
off. And the police even said to me: we hope he turns up this time’. So
“We’ll put the children on this AVO even though that broke their rules
but I can tell you now this Magistrate of the contact centre, not providing
will not allow them to be on there. notice, they wouldn’t do anything
He will take them back off”. about it. And he also broke other
rules at the centre as well and
Systemic issues such as these nothing happened, there were no
‘downstream’ compound the difficulty in consequences from that. And it
bringing evidence of domestic violence, didn’t make any difference when it
child abuse and exposure to domestic went to final orders. So, to me by
violence to the Family Court, beyond the constantly letting him get away with
difficulties arising from the often secret it, he just keeps going.
and hidden nature of violence in families.
The women also noted that the men
Perpetrators are not held who had abused the children were not
accountable expected to pay for arrangements put
in place to ensure that their contact with
A source of the women’s sense of children was safe.
injustice was their observation that their
ex-partners were rarely held accountable, Family Court has taken the attitude
either for their violence and abuse, or for that you should both share [costs]
accepting their responsibilities as parents. and I mean, we used a Contact
Despite the strong messages that they Centre and so we both have to
received about the importance of fathers pay the cost of contact. But the
to children, discussed in chapter 3, reason we use the Contact Centre
agencies often did not hold them to is because of domestic violence and
account, and little was expected of them. because it’s been deemed that we
This seemed to contrast with the scrutiny should do that for my safety and so
that the women experienced as mothers. that the kids aren’t exposed to more
violence.
… I’ve been repeatedly asked
quite strongly if I wanted to use the The women’s experience also
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81
highlighted the lack of knowledge by no parental role over them, and yet
many practitioners about the specialist she’s got them for this timeframe
therapeutic intervention that is required and there’s not a damn thing I can
to address the parenting of abusive men do about it.
that has resulted in harm to children.
Generic parenting courses, for example, Because of the ongoing financial abuse
are inappropriate with this client group experienced by many of the women,
(Scott & Crooks, 2004). Nor is anger this was an issue that women thought
management accepted as good practice demonstrated the failure of the system
in intervention with men who use violence to hold abusers accountable:
with their partners (Research and
Education Unit on Gendered Violence, I think the Child Support should
2003). For example, the Independent be taken seriously by the Family
Children’s Lawyer (ICL) in one matter was Court and maybe you can get
prepared to accept minimal evidence of like a certificate from the Child
effort to change: Support Agency, that your child
support is up to date. And that
And the children’s lawyer saying maybe you can’t bring Family Court
“Tell what me counselling courses action unless your child support is
you’ve done to make you a better up to date. And your tax records
parent?”… And he just “Oh yes, I’ve are current. Because he’s on a
just done some anger management provisional assessment and has
courses and I’ve done a parenting been - Child Support – in the first
course”. And she said “These have assessment period, he did a verbal
helped you to become a better income declaration of his income.
parent?” And he said “Yes, I know Not a tax return – but a verbal, over
I’ve done some terrible things to the phone income declaration …
my children but because I’ve done No other government department
these courses at Relationship would accept … a verbal income
Centres” and they’re only about 6 declaration. See me try and pull that
weeks long, after 30 years … on Centrelink!
you’re dealing with all this emotion The school also assisted another child with
going on with family who are very the transition to and from the father’s care:
angry and upset and all these
emotions that they’re going through … before he goes, he is in an
– and then having [counsellor] there absolute panic about going [to his
and knowing these sort of person father’s] – he’s now picked up from
is very good to help you go through school. His teacher will walk him to
Family Court, I think – I think having the gates and stand with him until
actually somebody to attend Family he’s picked up because he’s too
Court with you and even to a point petrified to stand there by himself
liaise between your family because and when he comes back to the
that is quite stressful I found. school on Monday morning, they’ve
allocated up until lunch that [son]
Although not a specialist domestic has free space. He can come and
violence service, some of the women had go from the classroom, he can go
received valued assistance from family and sit in the office – he’s become
support services: very close to the Vice Principal. He’ll
go up and sit in the Vice- Principal’s
Well I know Family Support have office with him and they’ll talk about
been fantastic. That counselling whatever…
service. They are the ones that
mostly at the frontline and in touch Some lawyers were also extremely helpful:
with all this so they – and things and
things like this should be taken into [Son] has been in and seen his
account when they’re making laws solicitor [ICL] once in [city]. He
and things and trying to make the came out very relieved after that. He
best possible system because they’re got to speak to her. He got to tell
frontline, they see it all the time. her a little bit about himself and that
sort of thing. He was quite good
Schools – principals, teachers and with that.
counsellors - were also a source of
support to both mothers and children in And yeah, from the first time I saw
many cases. For example: the barrister, he said the next two
visits, coming to Court, I won’t
… [father] at one stage, said to the charge you. You pay the first one,
school “I’m coming up and you that was arranged for me to pay.
won’t stop me” – there was a parent And then the next 2 visits, like
day on. And the school said “Look, coming to Court, I won’t charge
I’m sorry, but the Court Orders say you …[he said] “ However long it
you are not to have contact with takes, I’m behind you, in front of
the children unless it is supervised you – I will fight for you. It won’t be
and we are not able to arrange a charge” … He said “it’s not right
supervised contact and you’re not what he’s [perpetrator] doing”.
to come to the school”. And the
Principal spoke to the children and Well yeah what he did was he put
said: “How do you feel”? and they it through with a settlement offer
said “We don’t want him here. We because we owned a house and
don’t want to see him”. And even I owned half of it and he wanted
though they’re quite young and the me to accept a lesser settlement in
Principal said “The children don’t exchange for less access and they
want you here”. And I thought, oh said if I didn’t accept that he would
thank goodness someone listens to increase the time that he wanted
the children. with [child]. But luckily a child
solicitor had been allocated and
Page No way to live
84
she said “this is not on we’re not also the opportunity for my son to
trading money for time.” So they did also meet with a child psychologist
the parenting first and then they did and she spent, I think, a whole
the settlement so after the financial hour with him, finding out what
settlement … so it worked out quite his concerns were and things like
well that he tried to draw me into that. I thought that was really good,
this reduced settlement and they actually. And so she was able to
split up the property and access. bring that to the first mediation
session, the conclusion about
… Legal Aid don’t pay her enough. what had occurred there. And
I can tell you that much. She’ll my son was able to express that
be on the phone with me for two he loves his father, and enjoys
hours and not getting paid for it going to visitations, but there are
trying to settle me down, because certain things that happen that he
doesn’t like and he becomes afraid
sometimes I’ll be hysterical. Trying of. So one of the things was his
to get information out of me and father’s moods. His father’s mood
telling me that things are going to swings… And so having the child
be alright. psychologist express that in the
mediation session was really good
… she [lawyer] said to me that in 26 because, I guess, he had to listen
years of doing her job, she hasn’t that …
met anyone like my husband. And
she said she would feel immoral … the mediator gave us an
if she didn’t stick with me. She opportunity to each discuss our
thought – she wanted to stick it out points of view and when it was my
for me and the girls and … she’s turn to talk and I started talking
so kind, she even leaves me bags – he started talking on top of me,
of clothes for my girls. She’s a very trying to cut me down. And which
special person and I don’t think the good thing is the mediators are
– I’m very lucky that I met her. there and picked it up and actually
sort of stopped him and said ‘just
One woman had faced the dilemma of hold on a second, its [woman]’s
proceeding with a police application for turn to talk, you’ll have a turn to
an ADVO on behalf of her young children, respond to that’. I thought that was
but because of their ages she decided really good from the mediator’s part
to only go through the Family Court, to have sort of picked that up and
as she didn’t want her children harshly stopped it pretty quickly.
cross examined in the local court. The
court had ordered only limited supervised Suggestions for Change
contact until the children were 18:
The reader will be able to discern
So in the end, I’m so thankful that throughout this report from the women’s
the Family Court protected the descriptions of their experiences, much
[children]. of what they thought needed to change.
The following are direct suggestions
Woman 9 had a positive experience of
also made by the women about how the
mediation at a Family Relationships
system could better respond to women
Centre because of the focus on her
and children who have experienced
child’s perspective and the mediator
violence and abuse.
preventing bullying by her ex-partner:
being first, listening to their wishes, and Prioritise the safety and
recognizing their rights to participation
protection of children
and safety:
… children need to be protected
The focus should be on the children
and that’s the bottom line. They
and they shouldn’t just spout it
should be protected. It doesn’t
as some sort of rhetoric while the
matter whether a child is at 2%
focus is on the parents. The focus
risk or 100% risk, they need to
should be on the children.
be protected and it shouldn’t be
It’s just that they have a lesser voice on a scale of “Oh well, if they’ve
than us women. And us women got one solid [parent]” … if
find it really hard to have a voice there’s a risk there, it should be
sometimes when there’s DV – how counteracted with something, you
much more a child. know.
abusive to the wife, that doesn’t each other for that to work as well.
necessarily mean that he’s abusive
to the children, it was aimed at the I mean, it sounds good in theory,
wife and not the children. So there’s I guess, but the reality is that
leeway there apparently, which I find sometimes – especially in domestic
quite shocking because, I mean, if violence and how much quality
that’s the sort of role model, you can a perpetrator actually give to a
know – I can’t quite fathom how child?
that doesn’t enter into it with the
children, anyway. Training about domestic
violence for all involved
Remove the assumption of
shared parental responsibility This recommendation arose from the
women’s experiences with a range of
when there is child abuse and service providers who, as outlined in
domestic violence Chapter 4, who did not demonstrate
to the women understanding of the
I understand shared responsibility, dynamics and effects of domestic
understand that. But even that in violence.
itself, when you’re dealing with
domestic violence, it’s a power … I think the Judges themselves
thing. And the only way that he can actually need to be addressed in
have any control over my decisions some way. They need to go on
is basically obliterating my advice training courses about domestic
as a mother to make any decision violence – they need to understand
because that’s what’s happened. what it is, how it works, how to get
I physically don’t have the right to around the system – like, instead of
make any decisions about my son taking people at face value, their job
whatsoever as his mother. None. is to judge people and their job is to
Without his father’s consent i.e. his judge the evidence in front of them.
permission. And that’s basically
what it boils down to. I have to go … I feel that the Contact Centre
and beg and see him ‘can I do this, really don’t believe women. That’s
can I do that’. And that is the reality why I feel that they need domestic
of shared care with a domestic violence [training] so that they can
violence partner. have a bit of understanding about
how the cycle works.
… and shared parental
responsibility. So like actually having I think training, education of
to call them up and see, having to – education for people that work
discuss what specialist to go to or in Court so they are thoroughly
what school to go to or anything aware of the grooming skills of
like that. Even though you’re the perpetrators. But also the Judge, I
parent taking them to school every think. I’m thinking about what can
day and you’re the parent having be done for the lawyers …
a relationship with the school, the
other parent has a view on that. Better coordinated services
That’s just ridiculous cause that’s
gonna’ mean an argument every The women knew from experience, the
time. My ex is gonna’ say things lack of coordination across systems and
are black when they’re white just to recommended that this be addressed:
be annoying, so that’s not gonna’
work. You need to have open But the Family Court [and AVO
communication and a respect for court] ... they need to be more
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87
those different judges for those there to get them. Nobody told me.
different reasons, they all should be
in one place – all up there together, Better resourcing of the
listening to it to decide – not just system
one person and keep changing
all the time. Because that’s what The women suggested a number
happens – every time you go into of improvements that would require
Court, it’s a different Magistrate, it’s additional resources:
a different person – you’ve got to go
through the whole story again, they • More contact services that also
don’t get the whole story. offered safe handover services:
‘There just needs to be a centre
Provide more information where people can drop off their kids
and pick up their kids and feel safe.’
Several women suggested the court
make more information available • Better support at the Family Court,
about the processes involved. This is such as a safe room ( as in the local
particularly important when they are self- courts for ADVO applicants) and
represented: domestic violence support workers:
I’d like women to have some sort … and those little rooms ... like the
of education when they go to abusers like my ex comes up and
the Court about what the whole looks in the windows. And there’s
process is about and what sort of been times where we’ve crossed
documentation, or anything that paths and he’s gone to shoulder
could help them and how that charge me then seen (DV support
documentation could actually be worker) behind me. Little things
read by a Magistrate … that was like that, he’s got too close to me
a big thing for me – I had all that and its unnerving … I just think
documentation and it didn’t get like if we had a little room there
read and I didn’t know beforehand, where you and your solicitor can
even though I’d seen a lawyer and talk without someone looking in.
I’d been and seen a barrister, no- Also, I found really helpful in the
one had said to me that it’s got to AVO proceedings is people like (DV
be listed as an exhibit to be read by support worker) and something
the magistrate. So you need people should be put in the Family Courts
there to actually explain to women … like a support person.
about the whole process and what
they need and then to have people I mean I thought you’d be offered
in the Court there who are prepared counselling and services to help
to take notice of what those women support [at the Family Court]. I
bring with them. mean, there’s domestic violence
and there’s places out there but
Definitely information on the whole we’ve got to go to them and we’ve
Court process. Because even when still got to juggle children and
the Court orders were made, I all these things. There’s nothing
didn’t know I was supposed to be there in the Family Law System
there to pick them up. I just thought – I thought it’d be all online and
the Court’s over now, I’ve been in-line with the system to help the
to Court, I’ve represented myself situation.
and the children, that’s it. And the
Magistrate said the orders will be • A faster system.
ready on such and such a date but It looks like a factory to me where
I didn’t know I was supposed to be they’ve got to churn people out
Page No way to live
89
because – and when it’s the too someone who has been through
hard basket, they just adjourn for a such a violent relationship, when
couple of months down the track. you ask them a question, I can’t
They just “oh well, we can’t fix this always get up the guts to spit it
at the moment, come back in 2 out straight away. There has to
months” or whenever they can fit be some sort of leniency into how
you in. There seems to be a lot of and when you’re expected to say
putting off which prolongs people’s something. But if you burst into
agony that there’s not an answer. tears first, it’s not taken as a sign
That happens a lot. If I could change of weakness. It’s not taken as a
the system, where they can make sign of ‘oh she’s just being a pain
things streamlined and quicker in the bum’. And that’s the way it
because people don’t have the feels at the moment.
finances or the emotional capability
to hang in there. Legal aid could pay legal costs
up to so much on settlement or
• Better access to Legal Aid. something like that for women or
… the one thing about Legal Aid for men who have left everything
and more access and stuff like behind. It’s quite obvious I’ve got
that is while Legal Aid it’s sort of up and run. So for people who
available for all – the first one in the have got up and run maybe they
door gets the Legal Aid. And gets could help out a little and get their
to talk to Legal Aid and so, in my finances on track. ‘Cause your life
case, I’m thinking of and another isn’t going to be on track until your
girlfriend’s case, because she was finances are on track.
also assaulted – we weren’t the first
ones in the door. … women have to go back to
work when your child turns 6 or
• A specialist court for abuse. 7 now, depending on when you
I like the idea of the Magellan Court. started Centrelink … When you
I think that’s brilliant. There should go through domestic violence,
be a special court separate for this sometimes going back to work, if
situation. And specialised judges you’re lucky enough to live with a
and magistrates. mother or someone, sometimes
you’re going through so much
Take violence seriously and recognise mental torture that to try and be
and respond to its impacts in a job and be functioning – I
can work but to also I have to get
These suggestions pertain not just to the transport, fit in times with picking
family law system, but more broadly, to the children up, you’re juggling a
systems that could better support the lot. Sometimes you just need that
women building new lives after escaping extra time to get back on your
violence, given that they are often starting feet and then you can get into a
from scratch with precarious financial routine. I think the government’s
situations: not allowing people that when
you’ve got a 6 year old – like I think
But first of all, they (Family Law
it should be 8. At least 8 – I think it
system) have to acknowledge
should be 8 that they force this.
that it’s [DV] a reality, and it’s a
big reality in many people’s lives
and treated as such and, yes, a
screening process would be good.
the Family Courts (Brown, Frederico, are not safe for either their children or
Hewitt, & Sheehan, 1998; Moloney, et al., themselves.
2007). This research again emphasises
the inadequacy of the statutory child One problematic component of the
protection agency “leaving it to the coordinated response that emerged in
Family Court” to protect children, given this study concerned contact services.
the federal Courts’ inability to investigate When the Family Courts identified risks
allegations of child abuse and the time to women and children and attempted
that will have elapsed between the to address these through ordering
incidents leading to the allegations and supervised contact, the paucity of
any assessment of the family. accessible contact services and the
poor quality of vigilance reported by the
One serious consequence of shifting of women (while this may not be a feature
responsibility for child protection to the of all such services) highlight that this
Family Courts means that child protection field of work requires very highly skilled
is no longer funded by the state, but staff (Parker, Rogers, Collins, & Edleson,
moves into the realm of private law where 2008). This work requires understanding
the protection of children depends on about the dynamics and tactics of sexual
the resources (Family Law Council, 2002) offending, understanding of the dynamics
– both financial and emotional – of the of controlling violence and understanding
parent (in this study the mother) who has about the impacts of trauma. The lack
concerns about the safety of the child/ of ongoing case management of these
ren. In effect, this places the responsibility complex and high risk cases beyond their
for child protection onto the most contact with the Family Courts suggests
vulnerable and sadly, as has been seen in that the courts needs to be linked in
this report, the least credible participant more closely to both the child protection
in the process. system and the coordinated response to
domestic violence (Hardesty & Chung,
The findings of this study demonstrate 2006). Without links such as these, the
that the protection of women and children women in this study were left with the
post separation cannot be left solely sole option of returning to court if they
to what is most readily recognised as continued to hold fears for the safety of
the family law system – the two Family their children. However, the ability to take
Courts and Family Relationship Services. further protective action depended on
Problems “downstream” in the policing their financial resources or the availability
of domestic violence, in the accessibility of Legal Aid.
of protection orders through the civil law
system, or the failure of statutory child
protection to investigate allegations
A climate of disbelief
(either because of resource limitations As noted in the report, the difficulties
or the belief that these will be handled which the women encountered in
by the Family Courts) flow through to seeking to protect their children cannot
affect the quality of information that is be accounted for solely by the systemic
available to decision makers in the Family problems and gaps that have been
Courts for those cases that proceed identified. In attempting to bridge the
to adjudication. This is crucial as the gaps in the system and keep their
assessment of allegations of violence children safe, the women found that
must be grounded in the best information, their motives were under question
preferably from multiple sources (Altobelli, and they very commonly encountered
2009). For cases that are settled earlier assumptions that they were motivated
in the process, the lack of evidence of by bitterness towards ex-partners rather
violence flowing from systemic problems than by a desire to protect their children.
can result in women feeling pressured Beliefs such as these reflect broader
to “consent” to arrangements that
Page No way to live
93
Recommendations
Recommendation 2: Recommendation 4:
Legislative reform Improved responses from
The amendments recommended in state-level agencies
the Family Courts Violence Review by
Professor Richard Chisholm regarding State-level child protection agencies
the “friendly parent” provision, the should not defer investigations because
provision for the making of costs the Family Courts are or may be
orders where there are knowingly false involved in a case.
allegations, and the provision directing
Police must employ proactive policies
family advisers on what information to
of investigation, evidence-gathering and
provide, should be adopted.
ongoing protection of women and their
In addition, the Family Law Council’s children.
recommendation that the definition
State-level agencies, including child
of family violence in the legislation be
protection, police and health, should
amended to include a broader range of
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Recommendation 5:
Community-wide education
The lack of understanding of the
dynamics of domestic violence and
the common beliefs held about women
lying about abuse are not unique to
the services and professionals which
comprise the family law system. There
is an urgent need for investment in a
long-term, national education campaign
targeting professionals, schools,
workplaces and the general public.
Page No way to live
97
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