Paper3 (5).

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by Tucker Rozell

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PAPER3__5_.DOCX (8.82K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

27-NOV-2016 10:35PM

WORD COUNT

1777

SUBMISSION ID

743299536

CHARACT ER COUNT

8170

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At t ribut ion

At t ribut ion

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Indent

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Frag.

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Cit e Paraphrase

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Repet it ive

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Where is the MacVean source?

Paper3 (5).docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

16

SIMILARIT Y INDEX

14%

5%

11%

INT ERNET SOURCES

PUBLICAT IONS

ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
2
3
4
5
6

6%

lhuwenkai.com
Int ernet Source

5%

www.science.gov
Int ernet Source

2%

Submitted to Century High School

St udent Paper

2%

www.realsimple.com
Int ernet Source

Submitted to Santa Fe Community College

St udent Paper

Submitted to Alfred State College - SUNY

St udent Paper

EXCLUDE QUOT ES

OFF

EXCLUDE
BIBLIOGRAPHY

ON

EXCLUDE MAT CHES

OFF

1%
1%

Paper3 (5).docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor
T ucker,
Here's the thing about your paper: you have all the
inf ormation and I'd even say that you know what
three ideas you need to prove your argument. So
it's all there, but the organization and clarity and
f ocus of the ideas need some work! So does
citation! Let me explain more.

First, your thesis needs to include the idea that

people don't know these supermarket tactics. Make
that more clearly a part of your thesis. T he idea is
currently there, but it just isn't super clear at this
point. I'd suggest switching the order of ideas. Put
your f inal sentence earlier and end on this idea the
"most people are not aware. of ..."

T hen, once you do this, you can switch the order of

your ideas in the paper. It makes a little more sense
to show exactly what supermarkets do bef ore you
prove that people aren't aware of these tactics. I've
made some suggestions in the paper f or moving
ideas around, but basically, I would suggest this
order

Intro
Review of Opinions
Paragraphs on what the supermarkets do
Paragraphs on why people don't recognize these
tricks
Paragraph(s) on what we should do to save
ourselves f rom these tricks
Conclusion

Once you've made these changes, you'll want to

make sure paragraphs f low into one another. Just
revising the order might ruin the transitions and topic
sentences.

Finally, look out f or comments that ask you to

develop a point, choose a stronger quote, work on
attribution, and get rid of repetitive statements. In
general, just use the comments in the paper to help
you brush up on the smaller details.

In particular, the citation needs some work. Get rid

of sources you didn't use. Include more specif ic
ref erences and citation f rom Nestle's essay in
paragraphs that paraphrase ideas f rom her. Really
work on attribution! Remember that the in-text
citation should lead a reader directly to the first word
of the correct entry on the Works Cited page.

If you can work on all of these, you'll have a much

stronger paper. I can imagine that if everything f alls
into place, you'd be looking at a high B paper. (No
promises, but I imagine it's possible).

PAGE 1

QM

Cap. Error
Capitalization

Comment 1
But you are sure now that you've done this research! T his sentence contradicts the next one.

Strikethrough.
Text Comment.
QM

C/S

Other

Comma splice:
A sentence must have both a subject and a main verb in order to be complete, but it cannot
have more than one subject or main verb. A comma splice is a variety of run-on sentence that
occurs when two complete sentences, each with its own subject and verb, are joined mistakenly
by a comma. T here are generally three methods of correcting this problem: 1) Replace the
comma with a stronger mark of punctuation such as a period or semicolon, 2) use a
coordinating conjunction ("and," "but," "or," "nor") to join the two constructions, or 3) make one
of the two sentences a dependent construction by linking it to the other with a subordinating
conjunction ("if ," "when," "so that," "although," "because") or relative pronoun ("that," "which,"
"who," "whom," "whose").

Comment 3
In general, your intro is solid (and will be stronger with some small changes to the thesis), but it
could be smoother and more organized. If you revise, try to work on the links between
sentences and the clarity of your last f ew statements.

Comment 4
I'd argue that this really isn't your whole thesis. You want to share this inf ormation with others,
so part of your thesis should be about making others aware of the problem. T hat's also the
"dif f erence" between your argument and the research you've f ound.

Comment 5
Since this is your review of opinions paragraph, use a topic sentences that suggests you're
going to synthesize the views on this issue. Replace these topic sentences. T ry something like
this: "Many writers have noted that supermarkets..."
QM

Attribution
Work on attribution.
Additional Comment
Is the source listed under Real Simple on the Works Cited page?

Comment 6
Paraphrase more inf ormation f rom this source. What is the "bull's eye," f or example?
QM

Attribution
Work on attribution.
Additional Comment
What's the f irst word of the entry on the Works Cited page?

Comment 7

You don't need quotation marks f or block quotes. See the f if th citation video.
PAGE 2

Comment 8
Your review of opinions paragraph needs some work. Right now, you don't seem to be
reviewing the research that says that supermarkets use these tactics. Aside f rom choosing a
stronger topic sentence, choose stronger inf ormation/quotes, too. Look f or ones that clarif y
that, yes, supermarkets use these tricks.

Save the quotes that show people don't really realize this problem f or when you support your
argument.

Comment 9
More what?

Text Comment.

Indent

Comment 10
Again, the quote doesn't show what you say it does. T he introduction sentence suggests the
quote will explain this simple way to avoid the tricks. T he quote says we waste f ood.
QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Comment 11
I'd suggest moving these last two paragraphs to later in the paper. You can f irst illustrate that,
yes, supermarkets use these tricks. T hen, you can show that people don't know the tricks by
using the quotes you do in this paragraph. T his organization seems to make more sense.

You also might need to revise the topic sentences of these paragraphs af ter you move them.

Comment 12
Does this inf ormation come f rom Nestle? Did you know it bef ore you read her essay? If not,
cite that source.

Comment 13
Getting rid of the word "studies" here doesn't solve the problem of no citation or specif ic
source. Who showed this? Again, it invites a reader to be skeptical of whether you're citing
your source or not. I'd say that you should use more specif ics f rom Nestle in this paragraph.
You may not need to quote, but paraphrase or summarize and def initely ref er to Nestle and her
essay.

Comment 14
Such as? Give specif ics.
QM

Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!
Additional Comment
Again, this comes f rom Nestle, so add attribution ("because, like Marion Nestle pointed out...")
and cite!

PAGE 3

QM

Cap. Error
Capitalization

Comment 15
What?

Strikethrough.
Comment 17
Do not agree with them or do not agree that these strategies are intentional? T here is a
dif f erence, and I think you mean the last one, so rephrase.
PAGE 4

Strikethrough.
Comment 19
Hmmm, OK, I think I can f ollow your point here, but it could be clearer. I don't think I could repeat
the logic of your argument back to you.

Comment 20

Somewhere around this paragraph is where you could move all the paragraphs of support that
people do not know about these tactics!

Comment 21
Look through this paragraph. Notice how many of the sentence assert that people are not
aware of these issues. T hen notice how many sentences suggest we need to be aware. T he
paragraph really has two points in it. I'd suggest dividing them up into two paragraphs.
QM

Repetitive
Unnecessary repetition:
Avoid redundant use of words or phrases. Be aware of what is inherent to the words you
choose to use, e.g. you would not write "the resulting ef f ects" as "ef f ects" are results and thus
are always resulting f rom something. Also be aware of what the acronyms and abbreviations
you use stand f or, e.g. when using the acronym "AT M" you should not write "AT M machine" as
"machine" is already in the acronym.

Strikethrough.
PAGE 5

QM

C/S
Comma splice:
A sentence must have both a subject and a main verb in order to be complete, but it cannot
have more than one subject or main verb. A comma splice is a variety of run-on sentence that
occurs when two complete sentences, each with its own subject and verb, are joined mistakenly
by a comma. T here are generally three methods of correcting this problem: 1) Replace the
comma with a stronger mark of punctuation such as a period or semicolon, 2) use a
coordinating conjunction ("and," "but," "or," "nor") to join the two constructions, or 3) make one
of the two sentences a dependent construction by linking it to the other with a subordinating
conjunction ("if ," "when," "so that," "although," "because") or relative pronoun ("that," "which,"
"who," "whom," "whose").

Strikethrough.
Comment 24
strict?

Comment 25
Notice how choppy this conclusion is. T hat's probably because you're summarizing your points
f rom the paper. Instead, try f or a conclusion that points toward the f uture even more than the
previous paragraph. Maybe you could take the point that we just need to do these things and
make that into your conclusion?
PAGE 6

Comment 26
Did you use this source in the paper?

Comment 27
What is the title of the article?

Comment 28
When you got rid of the quote f rom this source, you should have gotten rid of this on the
World Cited page. Unless you still use inf o f rom it--if so, you need to have in-text citation.

Comment 29
Make sure the attribution in the paper matches up with the f irst word of the entry on the Works
Cited page.

Text Comment.

Where is the MacVean source?