Srirang Subramanian

GE 361
Thursday October 6, 2016
Empathic Listening Assignment
Communication is one of the most important skills in life. In the workforce, it allows you
to connect your thoughts to your coworkers in regards to a certain issue or input needed in a
project. It is a skill, when used properly, that allows you to maintain positive rapport and
standing with potential and current clients, and can establish a position of trust with superiors.
However, it is not only limited to the workforce. In social interactions, communication is a good
way, if not the best way, to network and develop new relations with people from all walks of life.
However, communication itself is an umbrella term. There exists good communication and bad
communication. To achieve good communication and further develop interpersonal skills,
empathic listening, or listening to understand both content and emotion of another person, is a
crucial skill to develop. From empathic listening, interpersonal skills such as influence,
leadership, and management, to list a few, can be developed. Recently, I had the chance to sit
with a friend (Aditya Chakrabarti) and practice empathic listening. Upon analysis of the
conversation, I learned a lot about the ways I exhibited empathic listening, and where I lacked.
Empathic listening at first glance seems similar to active listening. However, empathic
listening transcends all other form of listening, in that, as according to Covey, [you] are seeking
first to understand. (252). You truly empathize with the person, again, as Covey puts it, get
inside their frame of reference, see the world the way they see the world.
During my conversation with my friend Aditya, when we first talked about a
premeditated topic, (social life on campus), I felt I was practicing pretending listening. From

timestamp :30-1:15, I was using words of acknowledgment such as right, ok, and I see.
Obviously, there were factors that played into this that were somewhat outliers to the empathic
listening, such as apparent awkwardness between us two over the recorded nature of the
conversation. However, it was precisely the recording that led me to practice a combination of
pretending and selective listening. At that point, I distinctly remember me checking the timer on
my phone to see how much time had passed, noticing how cold it was (we were sitting outside at
night), and how to keep the conversation rolling.
Around the two-and-a-half-minute mark (2:32), after Aditya (my friend), talked about his
success in changing his lifestyle and meeting more people, I chimed in with a similar experience
regarding my personal struggle with opening up to others in a foreign environment far away
from home. However, there was still a lack of connectedness in our conversation. Our
experiences still were vastly different. While my earliest experiences in college was being a
recluse, he had made a solid group of friends that he hung out with regularly. I was not invested,
and rather trying to put myself in his shoes, I was taking parts of his experience and trying to
compare it to examples of my own. I found myself looking away from him, trying to process my
own thoughts then read his or naturally indicate with my body language that I was receptive to
his thoughts and words. There was still a level of awkwardness in the air, one that usually doesnt
hang when we talk casually.
But as the conversation transitioned into topics we were both comfortable with, it became
easier to listen and respond to. Around the 12:35 mark, the topic shifted to the Indian community
and the emphasis of majors. This was a topic I felt I could contribute to, and so naturally became
interested. I remember from this point onwards, I found myself able to express positive body
language more, in that I was able to meet with his eyes, I was nodding and responded actively

more. Here, I found myself able to connect more, and thinking active thoughts was lessened, so
to speak. No longer were there thoughts such as Oh, what should I talk about now. This had
transitioned into thoughts like Oh man, I see where he is coming from with this. Conversation
was easier to partake in now. About the 15:00 minute mark, I was agreeing with my own words,
and after affirming with what he said, I was able to chime in with my own thoughts regarding the
stress of attending college, and seeing how people burn out from trying to achieve a lofty goal
without considering the alternative consequences of that goal.
I noticed a change in tone of voice as well. Our language slowly went from being more
formal to casual talk. We were able to express our thoughts more freely to each other, and
emulated responsiveness to each other. During a personal connection I made at around minute
19, I remember that we had full eye contact with each other, and his body language suggested
alertness and receptiveness as compared to before. He waited for me to finish my thought before
chiming in with an anecdote of his own. Looking back on it, we were essentially mimicking each
others body language and posture. Not identically, but there were many similarities.
Conversation was warmer, more benign. We cracked jokes about friends and made good-natured
ribs about weight (18:00). Our inner thoughts were able to flow in a way that it hadnt before, to
summarize it in a nutshell, and laughter was genuine, rather then before, where it was polite. (See
19:10).
When the topic switched to talking about a passion of a subject, English (20:49), it was a
moment of genuine surprise when I reacted to his admittance about writing books. I myself enjoy
reading and occasionally writing snippets or prompt inspired stories, so it was a moment of
genuine surprise and understanding, as I could relate to what he had to say. Additionally, it was a
topic that, from our previous interactions, I would never have guessed that he enjoyed such a

topic. For me, it was quite surprising how empathic conversation allowed a sense of freedom, to
share information you would never have been able to guess beforehand. I realize now that this
was actively acknowledging his feelings, and sharing my own (mostly) unadulterated thoughts as
well. In fact, it got to the point at the end of the conversation (31:11) where I had to actively
admonish him for using curse words and making, well, colorful statements not appropriate for an
assignment.
Overall, I feel while I did well, I still have much to work on when listening empathically.
I did employ many tactics throughout the conversation, such as mimic his statements, ask open
ended questions (Ex. 11:41), and reflect and respond to the content at hand (2:51). In the
beginning, I was mostly sympathizing with him, and only until we reached the 13-minute mark
and started talking about an issue we both cared about that I felt I was able to devote a hundred
percent. Using Executive EQs formula for authentic presence, I felt I was low on the
attentiveness variable and concern variable, while my ulterior motive was high (to complete this
assignment). My score most likely for this initial part was probably a -25, with -100 being the
lowest for authentic presence, and 100 being the highest. However, when I finally shifted into
empathic listening, I felt this number may have shifted dramatically, to maybe about a 50. The
variables mentioned before almost completely reversed. I learned my body posture overall
became more focused and I could concentrate more on what he had to say. I feel, while my
sentence delivery is still very atrocious with multiple sentence fillers, my thoughts became more
coherent and related to the discussed topic better. As my interest and ability to put myself in his
shoes increased, so too did my anecdotes, and my partners responsiveness to my thoughts.
Conversation became more fluid and open, as opposed to stunted and closed off. My polite
rights became actual rights!

I definitely could have improved though in listening more. I did find myself slipping in
terms of concentration, especially around the first 10 minutes, from 2:00-10:00. I feel, to avoid
this, I should steer the conversation into a topic both parties have some familiarity with, and then
connect it back to the previously discussed topic, if it is imperative to talk about. It was very
weird, because techniques I thought were good examples of empathic listening (use of many
agreeing statements such as right) in hindsight were insincere and can be an indicator of close
to, but not quite, hundred percent focus. Of course, I definitely need to receive more practice in
actively trying to listen to someone with my hundred percent focus, as in the workforce and in
other settings, there may not be a closeness like there is between friends. The amounts of topics
you can shift too essentially decreases. Plus, it may come off as very unprofessional if you look
at a superior and acknowledge only half of the things he may be saying, or not making consistent
eye contact for the duration of the conversation. To prepare for this, I should practice more, and
reflect on conversations, be it crucial or not. Rereading Covey and Executive EQ, among other
books, would help immensely as well. Ultimately, this assignment revealed a lot as to how I
listen to a person, and how by trying to evolve my listening skills to reflect empathic listening as
the default, I can build upon other skills such as leadership and teamwork that can help me in the
workforce and beyond.