(SELF)COMPASSION. Empathy as a step towards compassion.

Leijssen Mia (Manuscript MOOC)

Empathy 1 is a crucial social skill and one of the natural abilities people are born with.
It is a necessary condition in all social coexistence. Animals that live in communities also show signs
of empathy as social connecting agent.
The most simple definition of empathy comes down to being able to feel what somebody else feels
and to respond from that feeling.
Empathy contains the Greek root "pathos" (feeling) and the prefix "em" (in)
Due to the mirror-function of our brains, we can physically experience what somebody else
experiences. 2 For instance, toddlers will easily pick up the mood of their environment and will
mirror it, for instance with a happy smile or a sudden crying fit. This unconscious ability also means
that animals such as apes, elephants and dolphins, prefer to behave socially and will organize
themselves according to their collective needs.
Humans we won't talk about animals any further can make a choice for themselves to develop
their natural talents. When you cultivate empathy as a social skill you have the ability to go further
than a superficial and sentimental interpretation of a spontaneously expressed 'feeling' and, after
your first natural reaction, a series of purposeful reflections will follow. 3
From the current scientific research empathy can be described as consisting of three main distinct
concepts.
1. Knowing what someone feels
2. Feeling the way the other person feels
3. To feel for that person
It has been proven that with these three concepts there are also three different brain circuits
involved:
1. Knowing what someone feels: belongs to what nowadays is called 'Theory of Mind'. Simon
Baron-Cohen describes Theory of Mind as "...being able to infer the full range of mental
states (beliefs, desires, intentions, imagination, emotions, etc.) that cause action. In brief,
having a theory of mind is to be able to reflect on the contents of one's own and other's
minds." 4

Decety, J. & W. Ickes (2009), (Eds.), The social neuroscience of empathy. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
B. Chakrabarti, E. Bullmore and S. Baron-Cohen (2006). Empathizing with basic emotions: Common and
discrete neural substrates. Social Neuroscience 1:364-384
3
Zaki, J. (2014). Empathy: a motivated account. Psychological Bulletin, 140: 1608- 1647.
Batson, C.D., Ahmad, N., Lishner, D.A., & Tsang, J. (2002). Empathy and altruism. In Snyder, C.R. & Lopez, S.J.
(Eds.). Handbook of positive psychology (p.485-498). New York: Oxford University Press.
4
S. Baron-Cohen (2001). Theory of mind in normal development and autism. Prisme 34:174-183
2

It is the ability to see the point of view of someone else and to realize that the other person
has different feelings, thoughts and needs than yourself. Some people with autism will score
very low for this. Psychopaths on the other hand will often excel at this. Many
communications become derailed because of non-recognition of being different from the
other.
2. Feeling the way the other person feels: When participants in an experiment see a video of a
hand being pricked by a needle, they will feel that prick in their own hand. It is literally
feeling like the other person, sym-pathy.
Sym-pathy can be cumbersome, especially if we don't know how to cope with pain or do
not know how to deal with painful feelings. Terrible images of war, violence or refugees
don't leave us unaffected. We do sympathize. Many people will feel very concerned and
overwhelmed.
Empathic fear is a negative state of mind in which a person will react in a stressed way and
spread a contagious atmosphere of anxiety and turmoil because of their inability to alleviate
the suffering of the other.
Another problematic aspect of feeling like the other person is that this kind of feeling is
particularly selective. When a person sees a video of a hand being pricked by a needle, that
person will share the feeling of being pricked. The person will not share the feeling as much
if the hand on the video is black but his/her own is white, or vice versa.
Other research revealed that football fans would sympathize with fans of their own club, but
less so with fans of their opponents. It is natural for people to interact very differently with
members of their own group compared to people from outside the group.
Sympathy: "feeling along with". Affectively being drawn to somebody else happens
spontaneously.
Sympathy-feeling is an emotion that is easily subject to manipulation.
The emotional value of a dead child being washed ashore is gigantic. All the other children,
on the other hand, seem to be of no value. Fundraising organizations know how to play on
the sympathies of their public. We are also manipulated when it comes to politics. In many
cases we are not aware of the selectiveness of the information that is presented to us and
what has been omitted. In this way we are unknowingly manipulated to feel for one group
of people and not even see the other side as human.
Pity: We find someone pitiful and feel ourselves superior. This is condescension: we consider
ourselves more worthy than the paupers. Superiority is often an expression of fear.

3. To feel for that person: Compassion (Dutch: Mededogen)

The Dutch word 'mededogen' consists of 'dogen' which is Old-Dutch for endurance. And mededogen also implies caring for the other. The English 'compassion' exists likewise in Dutch as
'compassie'.

Compassion is the response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help.
Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help physical, spiritual, or emotional
hurts or pains of another 5.
People depend on compassion. Social animals, depending on each other by laws of nature,
would not be able to survive without the compassion of others. By nature we are dependent on
the help of others. Other people are also the main source of all our experiences, good as well as
bad. So many things depend on interaction and cooperation with other people. This is especially
notable when things go wrong. Everything that happens in life is closely intertwined with the
fate of others. As science only recently discovered, this also happens on the more subtle level of
energy patterns (growth of plants, movements in the water, etc.).
Compassion is part of the basic needs of humans and the key to our wellbeing. Compassion is
the foundation to success in life itself.
Compassion comes with an awareness of vulnerability that is peculiar to human kind. Therefore
you will ask yourself how you would like to be treated in a specific situation. And then you act
accordingly.
Compassion is not a sentimental feeling. It is an actual undertaking to improve or repair a
situation. That way you don't just quieten suffering, but recognize it and react in a way that is
attuned to the needs of the other.
Also in the Dutch 'mede-dogen' there is the part of 'sympathy-feeling', but the focus is more on
feeling sympathy for the others where you also remain focused on the well-being of the others.
In the case of empathic concern you stay focused on the well-being of the person in need. Then
you will be able to recognize and focus on their fear, pain and stress in a way that is comforting
and healing for the other person.
Compassion is a complex concept between empathy and altruism. It is an attitude that
originates in being able to really feel the situation of the other, but with the motivation to
advance the well-being of the other.
Compassion is always binding. It works as a call to be present and really act. Different from the
more passive way of just feeling sympathy, compassion is a truly active encounter.
A study 6 reveals that "friendliness" is perceived by participants as the most important element
of compassion. Compassion is also seen as an "active process" that evolves from the friendly
attitude being deployed towards others.
Compassion is the great virtue of the Buddhist East / Charity of the Christian West.
5

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion
Pauley, G. & McPherson, S. (2009). The experience and meaning of compassion and self-compassion for
individuals with depression or anxiety. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice. doi:
10.1348/147608309X471000.

Buddhism: has contributed a lot on how to develop compassion, by explaining many shades of
this virtue. 7
Maitri is an aspect which has friendliness and affection at its core.
Metta is wishing someone all the best. The desire for things to go well, for someone to be
happy.
Karuna is concerned with suffering. It's the desire that suffering will end. It refers to
compassion. Being really concerned for the suffering of someone else. Different from the
passive feeling of sympathy, metta and karuna involve a clear intention.
Compassion is more than just a friendly attitude: you are really concerned for the wellbeing of
others, sensitive to someone's suffering and you really want to do something to actually improve
the situation.
Compassion involves a sincere engagement to help others through difficult situations and to do
good.
This is not always about 'big actions'. Sometimes it requires a lot of courage just to be really
present in situations of suffering when there is no solution available. Just being there, at the side
of the person suffering, can sometimes be the only source of light in a world of darkness.
Practicing compassion can also be done by sending energy, sending good thoughts, prayer,
meditation, etc.
It is also very important that, although you may hope to transform the suffering, you should not
remain affected by the final outcome.
Obstacles to compassion are moral indignation and fear, but also a focus on performance and
competition. We often don't realize how much our behavior is influenced by these things.
In an experiment student-priests were given an assignment to tell the "Parable of the Good
Samaritan" to a class. Before entering the classroom they had to cross a courtyard where an
apparently wounded person had been lain down by the researchers. Strangely enough, the
student-priests were so focused on their task that they totally ignored the wounded person in
need, hurrying on to tell the parable to their audience.
To recognize one's own needs and pay attention to them.
Testimony of a medical doctor: Care is not the same as cure. Care is being present in a
nourishing and helping way; it is a mutual process. As a doctor you will feel happy if you
notice that you really mean something to your patients. You have to be strong not to
lose yourself in all that you are giving. You will also exhaust yourself if you don't take the
time to relax or pay attention to your own needs (self-care). I became more and more
cautious about just totally giving myself after I began to lose energy and ended in a real
burnout. I have had to learn to watch my boundaries more carefully. The more I paid

Davidson, Richard J.; Harrington, Anne, eds. (December 6, 2001). Visions of Compassion: Western Scientists
and Tibetan Buddhists Examine Human Nature. New York: Oxford University Press. p. 288. ISBN 978-0-19513043-0.

attention to myself, my giving became more authentic, maybe less abundant or

generous, but wiser and more accomplished.
Awareness of different possibilities
To recognize what weakens us and what makes us stronger. Awareness will also broaden our
possibilities for choice. It enables choosing for human dignity.
Effects of development of compassion (Scientific Research 8):
Reinforces the immune system, more antiviral cells.
Increases resilience.
Increases self-awareness.
Improves your mood.
Leads to more happiness and satisfaction.
Reduces fear and depression.
Creates a sense of deep joy more enduring than any hedonistic pleasure.
Generates meaningfulness.
This is also the placebo effect that good doctors will experience when their interaction with their
patients is really sincere.
During the treatment of children with cancer it became clear that compassion really reduced the pain
and stress of the children. It also has been proven that the healing of physical wounds is directly
related to the level of compassionate interaction within the environment. In situations of conflict
slower healing of any wounds has been clearly observed.

In spiritual traditions compassion or charity diminish in authenticity when the engagement is no

longer freely chosen, but has become more of an imposed aspiration , or has been set as a norm to
prove yourself as a "good human being"
Passion is a necessity for compassion. You need to have the drive to contribute in a positive way to
the well-being of others.
The bigger the problems, the more passion will be necessary to convert compassion into real action.
You need to be connected to your sources, your value system, the passion that helps you to be a
powerful and positive human presence.
The drive needs to come from a deep source of experience, not vague but solid.
You need inspiration to act in an authentic way.
You need to have the ability to see events from a broad perspective and not be overwhelmed by
negative emotions.
You need to think less in terms of 'me' and be less self-serving.
8

Gilbert, P. (2005). Compassion. Conceptualizations, Research and Use in Psychotherapy. Routledge. London
and New York.
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Londen: Constable & Robinson.
Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology,
53: 6-41.
Gilbert, P., & Choden. (2013). Mindful compassion. London, UK: Constable: Robinson.

You commit yourself to that which is good for somebody and for the bigger picture. You have a
positive intention and you take responsibility for the well-being of yourself and others.
But how do we do that - stand in the middle of the world with our goodwill and compassion, without
losing awareness of all the good things, without isolating ourselves or perishing? How do we develop
a good heart? Mercifulness.
Mudita means that we remain able to see all the good in the world and appreciate it. It preserves us
from growing sour or bitter when confronted with all that suffering.
Upekkha is the ability to remain present without looking away, without losing ourselves in the
suffering. It is the balance between ignorance and being overwhelmed. It is what we practice when
meditating: becoming silent, opening our heart and mind and remaining present.
Discipline, self-knowledge, cultivation of virtues for a good life, self-compassion.
Self- compassion. A step towards compassion 9
The Dalai Lama was very surprised to hear, after a moment of complete confusion of tongues, that
the English word compassion only refers to others and not to one's self.
Self-compassion or self-love precedes compassion. Self-love delivers the fuel for an authentic love
towards others. "Love your neighbor as yourself" points where to begin. To bond yourself in love is
the first step towards compassion.
You can only take care of the other when you are able to love yourself. You should always start with
loving yourself. 10 Only then can you expand that love to other living beings.
Self-love involves treasuring positive feelings and ideas about yourself, nurturing an awareness that
life is good as it is, being content with what has happened in your life.
Not dwelling on what could have been different, not mulling over what is unchangeable, not
remaining the prisoner of all your vices and shortcomings.
Try to start the day with a "good heart", a warm feeling inside, to open up the inner doorways, to
conjure a friendly and positive vibe. That inner demeanor makes a world of difference to all your
daily experiences. 11
Effects of Self-compassion. Coincides with 'to flourish' 12

Neff, K.D. & Germer, C.K. (2012). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion
program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, DOI: 10.1002/jclp.21923.
10
Figley, C.R. (2002). Compassion Fatigue: psychotherapists chronic lack of self-care. Psychotherapy in
practice, 58(11), 1433-1441.
11
Ferguson, L.J. Kowalski, K.C., Mack, D.E., & Sabiston, C.M. (2014). Exploring self-compassion and eudaimonic
wellbeing in young women athletes. Journal of sport & exercise psychology, 36: 203-216.
Fredrickson, B.L., Cohn, M.A., Coffey, K.A., Pek, J. & Finkel, S. (2008). Open hearts build lives: Positive emotions,
induced through loving-kindness meditation, build consequential personal resources. Journal of Personality and
Social Psychology, 95: 1045-1062.
12
Ernst Bohlmeijer, 2015: Compassie als motor van geluk / Compassion as the engine of happiness.
Lutz, A.; Brefczynski-Lewis, J.; Johnstone, T.; Davidson, R. J. (2008). Baune, Bernhard, ed. "Regulation of the
Neural Circuitry of Emotion by Compassion Meditation: Effects of Meditative Expertise". PLoS ONE. 3 (3):
e1897.

1. Renders us psychologically more flexible: because negative thoughts and emotions will be broken
through.
2. Enhances our intrinsic motivation: as fear of rejection and of making mistakes will be reduced.
3. Leads towards more positive feelings. In the short term creativity will increase
and in the long term social and emotional resources will grow.
4. 'Qualities of the heart' such as courage, forgiveness (to free yourself from carrying the weight of
negativity) are encouraged.
5. Increase of love, commitment, positive relations. It is a natural 'cosmetic that will make your
face radiant and will ensure a relaxed and cheerful physical expression. It is a joyful feeling,
gratitude for what is, peace of mind, because you are coming to terms with yourself, because
you have done what should have been done.
To love yourself is one of the primary conditions for all healing processes.

Exercise: "Compassion meditation."

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Meditation literally means "to travel towards your center". Be with yourself as close as possible.
Begin within your body, your inner living space, your center of being.
This exercise goes as follows:
-

You close your eyes, you sit down mindfully on a chair and take your time to experience your
own body, your feet, your legs you feel the contact between your body and the chair You
are aware of your breathing and try to calm it down a little.

Then you ask yourself: What do I need now? What would I really like?

Next you wish for yourself that what you would really like.

As a final assignment you think about somebody from your close environment who you know
is going through a rough time. And you wish for something good to happen to that person.

You open your eyes.

It's a short exercise and very effective in its simplicity.

One of our students reported: I've experienced that wishing yourself something good has a very
nice effect, it reinforces you. To then subsequently think about someone who is having a bad time
and also wish them something good, broadens your view and you make a connection.

Bibcode:2008PLoSO...3.1897L. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0001897. PMC 2267490free to read. PMID 18365029.

Hulsbergen, M.L., & Bohlmeijer, E.T. (2015).Compassie als sleutel voor geluk, voor zelfkritiek en stress.
Amsterdam: Uitgeverij Boom.
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Salzberg, S. (1995). Loving-kindness: the revolutionary art of happiness. Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications.