a were-wolf tried to kiss me...I punched him in the face.

Little red riding hood is just the big bad wolf in desguise

The other little girls wanted to be ballerinas...I wanted to be a vampire.

and so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

to hate is easy...to love takes time

adrenaline+ danger + stupidity = hallucinasions

you're just jeasous because I can act retded in public and people STILL love me.

be right back...I'm going to go find myself, if I leave before I get back, be sure to tell me.

never hit a man with glasses, hit him with a baseball bat

shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip.

proud rider of the short bus

hahaahahahhahahahahahahaha...NO!

I have super powers...really! I just don't wanna show you!

"santa clause suspended for 'ho' comments!"

you suck...I rock...end of story

go buck a fuffalo
you're gaytarded

If you mated a bull-dog and a shitzu, would it be called a bullshit?

My foot in ur ass, by dr. suess ((the foot book.))

look me! No hands, *hides hands in sleeves*

guys are like buses...another one will be along in 5 minutes

friends are like wedgies...you should always pick a good one

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it.

don't say stupendous...it sounds too much like stupidness

I don't need a life...I'm a gamer...I've got tons of lives

lord of the rings...aka...3 long movies about men fighting over a piece of jewelery

I shall stare at you!

you cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff...I laugh even harder

silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.

my friends are the kind of people that spend hours trying to drown a fish.

Perfect is not natural.

Holaback girl! (n) i really don't know what it means, but apparently gwen stafani aint
one, and it somehow involves bananas.

go stick that in ur juice box and suck it!

I really thought I hit rock ottom, but todat it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of
crap...then me.

I'm so happy I could pee.

I love u more than cheese...that's gotta say something.

Hey, look! It's gagsta bitch barbie!

no guys...porno does NOT equal love!

Please god! If you can't make me thin...make all my friends fat!

If you see my booger, I swear, it's just dropping by to say hi!

Don't you wish ur girlfriend was hot. like. BEA!

They say talk is cheap...so I bought every word you said.

life is like a rose..in the winter only the strong survive

Happy hump day!

This property is gaurded by a pit-boll with a.i.d.s.

I love my computer because my friends live in it.

I hate bees okay! They're like flying death minkeys.

Your face makes me want to jump off a cliff and die.

ritardando = hold me retard

not as bad, but bad enough

Shut it, guys, its not that funny! Inuyasha snapped, crossing his arms. He paused for a
moment, a look of realization crossing his face. Actually...its not fucking funny at all!
Not one bit, you hear me? In fact, I dont even know what youre laughing about still, but
I assure you, its not funny!
Ah, this is a joyous day indeed! Miroku sighed, wiping imaginary tears away from his
eyes. To have our dear friend Inuyasha returned to us...Sango, we should celebrate this
occasion together with a loving embrace!
Touch me and Ill rip off your hand, pour honey into your eyes, and stuff large
unsanitary objects up your ass. Sango replied without missing a beat, causing Miroku to
cringe while retracting his hands slowly back to his side
---------------------------------
A girl, perhaps?
Ive had more girlfriends than the number of sticks stuffed up your ass! Why the hell
would I get all gushy over some stupid girl?
---------------------------------
Menomaru glanced around him, making sure nobody was in the premises before turning
to the wall.
The wall was sometimes very nice to talk to.
-------------------------------
Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is
too stubborn to ask for directions.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal,
where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote
because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right!
What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell
would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are
they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to
come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya
sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never
been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something
before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing
anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus
came, would I be standing here???

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open
it and remove all doubt.
- Rami Belson
-
Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator:

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if
you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of
THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks
on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers:
"This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then
pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the
doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's
mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with
the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
-
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely
made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently
on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she
opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my
new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real
passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his
motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that
we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's
now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I
know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get
to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center
drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
-
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering
mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and
the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when
it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however,
wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know
the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then
the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year,

"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the
fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

-
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have
them.

- Lou Holtz
-
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in
the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

-
In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are
some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"

(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

-
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it
hit me.
-
There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who
watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

- Mary Kay Ash

-
A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old
problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge
will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that
will put you over the top.
-
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives
questioned
-
Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.
-
It's the times we're so crazy,
that people think we're high.
It's the times we laugh so hard,
we can't help but cry.
It's all the inside jokes
and "remember whens".
those are all the reasons
that we're best friends!
-
15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!
1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good
morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "Im a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.

- KaTiE DuDa 'Class 05'

-
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

-
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
-
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not
screaming like all the passengers in her car.
-
Too often, we loose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys
you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and
b****-slap the mother-f***er upside the head.
-
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she
would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He
tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-
pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
-
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

-
Never be afraid to try, remember...
Amateurs built the ark
Professionals built the Titanic

-
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

- Roxy Quiksilver
-
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are
all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of

it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say

during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act

like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an

answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

- unknown
-
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
-
East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the Bi*** that touches my Man.

- Unknown
-
Actual Answering Machine Messages.
*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and
number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the

tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think
about returning your call.

*Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

*Hi. Now YOU say something.

*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I
don't call back, its you.

*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call
sooner.

- oneluckystar
-
"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but
there's no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around
Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors,
why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper
constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why,
because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I
play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have
beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist
and say "oh s**t I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole."
-
How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in
the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

-
Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over.

- rachel
-
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
-
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

- W. C. Fields
-
Forgive your enemies, but never, never forget their names.

- John F. Kennedy
-
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me,
and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much
indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called
and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and
get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was
standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
-
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
For the losers who didnt get it..... ur dumb

- bulliten
-
Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the hell's my ceiling!

-
ur soooo not cool enough for this loser!