1

A Secret That Can Transform Your Marriage

Chapter 1
Exploring Human Differences
" A secret that can transform your marriage? You've got to be kidding," we can hear you say, and we can
understand your skepticism. But there really is a secret and it does work. Let us tell you how we stumbled
on to it.
Jim: Not long before I began to go out with Tyra, I had come across C.G. Jung's book Psychological
Types, and then some of his other writings. It wasn't as if I could really understand everything he was
saying. Far from it. But every once in a while I would get a flash of insight that illuminated my own
experience, and I began to understand why some of my past relationships had not worked out as I had
hoped. That kept me going. One day the admittedly strange thought came to me, "What would happen,
instead of going on a normal date with Tyra, we would go for a walk and I would try to explain to her
some of the things that I was picking up from reading Jung?"
Tyra: On our first date, instead of going to the movies, Jim invited me to go for a walk in the nearby bird
sanctuary. Before I knew it, he was telling me about what Jung called the anima and the animus, and the
roles they play in people falling in love. What a date! Well, I thought Jim was nice, but I had never heard
these things before, and didn't know what to make of them.
Jim: This went on for a little while. I enjoyed telling Tyra the things I had been learning, and she was a
little puzzled, but a good listener, nonetheless. But while the insights were genuine, they were rather
theoretical and intellectual, and would probably have not done us a great deal of good. Then one night
Tyra had a dream.
Tyra: I dreamed I was on the second floor of a two-story house. I was looking out of a window into a
room on the first floor of the building next door. Inside that room was a girl I had known from college.
She was standing in front of an easel painting a picture. Then I zoomed into the picture and paid close
attention to all the details. She had painted the top half of a circle, and inside that semi-circle were six
men dressed in medieval clothes with large frilly collars. As I looked closer, I noticed that I could see only
one side of each man's face, each man had blue eyes, and all of them were looking at the section of the arc
closest to them. And then a strange thing happened. As I continued looking at the men, it was as if they
became alive, and I was startled by the intensity of those blue eyes!
Jim: I sat listening to Tyra's dream with the attitude we usually have when someone tells us a dream. It
might be interesting, or bizarre, but certainly not relevant to daily life. But when she reached the part
about the six men standing in a semi-circle I had an insight which was going to change our lives. I had
read some seemingly obscure footnotes in Jung that referred to groups of male figures that appear in
women's dreams, and represented what he called their animus, or undeveloped masculine side. I hadn't
paid much attention. It had seemed much too esoteric, but in that instant I realized that Jung had not been
talking about some theory, but a living reality.
Tyra: Jim was politely listening to my dream, and all of a sudden he sat bolt upright, and with excitement
in his voice said, "Tell me the dream again!" And so I did, and as I told him, he began to relate my dream
to the animus he had been telling me about. But this time it was real! It wasn't a theory, it was my animus

2
- those men with the brilliant blue eyes - and with that dream we both became caught up in a brand new
adventure of exploring J ung's psychology and what it meant for us personally.
This adventure has gone on ever since, and what we learned allowed us to get married and stay happily
married for the last 25 years. What Jung has to say can transform your marriage, as well.
Who was C.G. Jung?
C.G. Jung (1875-1961) was one of the pioneers, together with Freud and Adler, of the psychoanalytic
movement that revolutionized psychology at the beginning of this century. Jung was trained as a
psychiatrist, and then became one of Freud's leading disciples. Later he broke with Freud because he
thought Freud's theories were too narrow, and underwent a voyage deep into his unconscious which set
the foundations for his own psychology. The first major work he wrote when he emerged from this inner
transformation was his book on psychological types. Starting with Jung's efforts, the words introversion
and extraversion have entered into common usage, and literally millions of people in the United States
and around the world have become introduced to his typology through psychological type tests, but often
the deeper meaning of Jung's typology remains hidden. For Jung his typology was a way of approaching
his whole psychology, and what he called the process of individuation by which we strive for
psychological wholeness. We are going to explore his psychological types as a gateway to his psychology
as a whole because it can be a powerful tool in transforming our marriages.
Human differences.
Jim: Tyra has blue eyes. If one morning I woke up and began to berate her for having blue eyes instead of
brown eyes, and proclaimed how disappointed I was because I had always wanted to marry someone with
brown eyes, she would be dumbfounded, and the rest of the world along with her. I would be urged to
consult an optometrist, or better, a psychiatrist, but it is amazing how easy it is for us to act in a similar
way when it comes to psychological traits, especially in someone we love.
We are used to physical differences like eye, skin or hair color, or height and facial features, and even
blood types. But we don't usually extend this awareness to psychological features. This is what Jung
began to do when he discovered introversion and extraversion. He had been having his own problems
with Freud, and it occurred to him that part of their difficulties might lie in their different personalities,
and so he wrote an essay describing introversion and extraversion.
Introversion and Extraversion
Each of us has a certain amount of psychological energy, but we use it in different ways. Some people
spend it on the people and things around them. Their energy naturally flows out to these people and
things. They are what Jung calls extraverts. But there is another whole group of people whose energy
naturally flows inwardly. They are the introverts. Jung saw that both these attitudes were entirely normal.
In fact, he suspected that we were born either introverted or extraverted, just like we are born with blue
eyes or brown eyes. It wasn't as if he imagined that someone would be completely extraverted, or
completely introverted. Rather, he felt that although each of us had both these attitudes, one of them
usually predominated.
Tyra: On television you see a lot of extraverted people because they have an easy time of being in front
of the camera, projecting their feelings out and talking to people. For the past several years I have been
filming people for the videos we create, and it is a great pleasure to capture them, and later, in the privacy

3
of my little video room, edit the footage down. But to be in front of the camera makes me freeze because
I'm an introvert.
My mother was an extravert who loved to be in groups of people. She belonged to the local bridge club,
and one day when I was coming home from school my heart sank when I saw lots of cars parked in front
of our house. Today was my mother's day for entertaining the club at our house. I stopped on the hill, and
tried to figure out the best way to escape to my room without being noticed. I felt going in the back door
was too risky. There would undoubtedly be someone there. If I went in the front door I could immediately
rush up the stairs. So that's what I did, but unfortunately my mother spied me in mid-dash and called me
back downstairs. "Say 'hello' to everyone, dear." My worst nightmare. I came back downstairs, said,
"Hello," and then dashed back upstairs, my heart pounding.
As you mull over your own degree of introversion or extraversion, one test is to consider your comfort
level when you meet strangers. As a rule of thumb, extraverts have less trouble going over to a stranger
and introducing themselves, and striking up a conversation. For introverts this is much harder, and usually
leaves them feeling worn out from the effort. They can do it, but the price is higher.
The following stories come from people who have attended our workshops or friends. We include them to
try to give you a better picture of what it feels like to be an introvert or an extravert.
Man: I am an introvert and I have been an insurance salesman for quite a few years. Can you imagine
what that is like? Most of the time I dealt with existing customers, so it was pretty easy. But once in a
while things got tight, very dry, no sales, so my manager would say, "O.K., go out knocking on doors."
And I can remember knocking on a door and really praying that nobody would be home.
Man: I am an extravert. Imagine a university campus, 2,000 acres on the coast in California, trees all
around, the beach not too far away, and evening after evening, especially in the winter when it was kind
of rainy, I would get so bored studying by myself that I would literally walk the entire campus trying to
find some little knot of people to do something with. The stillness, the beautiful oak trees, were lost on me
because I just had to have a crowd around me.
Woman: I am an Introvert. I am an elementary teacher and I am on stage for seven and a half hours a day.
It is total performance. Now that I understand the difference between introversion and extraversion, it
makes sense to me why I go home totally exhausted every single day. I can do the extraverted stuff, but it
takes a lot out of me.
Man: I am very definitely much more introverted than extraverted. I can remember going through some
old pictures where I appeared as a young person in the group. There is something very interesting in these
pictures. I am always on the end, always on the periphery of the group. I never gravitate to the center.
You begin to get the. picture. Most of us have little difficulty deciding whether the people closest to us are
more introverted or extraverted, but sometimes we have trouble deciding about ourselves. Why is that
since we know ourselves better than anyone else? The answer is not hard to come by if we remember that
we have both introversion and extraversion, and depending on what aspect of ourselves we look at, we
can appear either introverted or extraverted. What we are after here is which attitude predominates. If you
are having trouble deciding, think of yourself in your late teens or early twenties. What attitude
predominated then? As we grow older we tend to become more balanced, and so it is sometimes more
difficult to decide.

4
One other point. Even though the words introversion and extraversion became popularized through Jung's
work, these terms are often used today in a different way. Extraverts are looked at as the normal,
outgoing, and sociable people in our society, while introverts are shy, fearful, even morbidly inwardlooking, and as undeveloped extraverts who need to learn how to become more outgoing. This is not what
Jung meant. We repeat, not. Both attitudes are normal, and indeed, each of us needs both of these attitudes
if we are to reach our own full development.
Let's look at some more stories in order to sharpen our focus about introversion and extraversion.
Man: My interest is me rather than externals. What is going on in here is what is important to me. I'm me.
There is only one of me. It's also a matter of intensity of focus - focusing in depth inward - the whole
world in my backyard rather than spreading myself thin. It's also a question of how much data I can
process, too. I find there is just so much going on out there that I quickly get overwhelmed and have to
come in and think about things. I need my quiet. I need my privacy. I need my time. A new situation I find
threatening: interviews, shopping, it goes on and on. I hate to ask people for favors. The merchandise isn't
quite right and you have to return it, or you've lost your way. Well, I really hate to ask for directions. I
would rather just keep driving. I feel comfortable when I know the people from before, and will talk to
just a few.
Woman: At work I am the one who usually takes the initiative in a conversation because I don't feel selfconscious because all that can happen is I will do it wrong and I'll just learn. It's not a big deal. If I make a
fool out of myself, that's OK. It's just for a moment. I don't have problems making friends. It's very easy
to meet people. I'm not shy.
Woman: I'm more introverted because I am like a cat. I like to curl up in a corner and read a book. I can
visit with people only for a while, and then I have to go away. I like being alone. When I meet new people
I tend to be shy for a day or so until I get to know them and see if I like them and they like me. When I
am in crowds I just keep to myself, and if there are a few people I know, then I'll talk to them, but other
than
that,
I
won't
go
up
to
people
and
say
"Hi."
Man: I think that I can take things in better than I can let things out because I don't feel that I am as
outgoing as the other people around me. I don't need people around me as much as most people do, and I
can sit and read for days, and I guess I value my own opinion more than somebody else's.
Woman: I like to do things around other people. I like to teach other people how to do things; I like to
involve other people in my life, and I like to be out there in the front. I like to be the center of attention. I
am a performer, and I like to be watched. I like to be looked at rather than have me took at other people.
Are you Introverted or Extraverted?
Now it is your turn. Which predominates in you, introversion or extraversion? Try the following quiz. It
contains no hidden or trick questions, but is simply an aid to help you decide.

5
Introversion - Extraversion Quiz

When speaking to strangers I

Introversion
___sometimes
hesitate

When I am in a new group I tend

more to
___listen
People
would
call
me ___quiet
and
..
reserved
When learning about a new subject I
like to
___read about it
When it comes to money I am
inclined to
___save
When planning a dinner I prefer
having
___four people

Extraversion
.
___find it quite easy
.

.
___talk
___open
and
talk to

easy

to

.
___hear about it

.
___spend

.
___twelve people

Exercises.
If possible do these exercises with your spouse.
1. Decide whether you are more introverted or extraverted.
2. Come up with at least one story that illustrates your decision.
3. Decide whether your spouse is more introverted or extraverted. Come up with a story that illustrates
that decision.
4. Do you agree with each other? If not, you have discovered an important point to discuss.
5. Typological knowledge Is not a theory, but a way of seeing. You will only learn how to see if you
practice. Try to decide whether the people around you are more introverted or extraverted. What about
your children, or parents, or coworkers?
Now it is your turn to contribute to this discussion. Send us your questions and comments:
arraj@innerexplorations.com
A Secret That Can Transform
Your Marriage:
Chapter 2
THE FOUR FUNCTIONS
We are sure you did rather well in making the notions of introversion and extraversion your own. They
are so fundamental and express themselves in so many ways that usually when someone calls our
attention to them we say, "Yes, we understand them and see them in ourselves and in the people around
us."

6
No doubt, Jung was rather pleased with his initial work on introversion and extraversion, but as the years
went by and his experience grew, he realized that these basic attitudes couldn't account for everything he
was seeing. He eventually discovered that there were actually four kinds of introversion and four kinds of
extraversion, and this is what he means by the four functions of thinking and feeling, sensation and
intuition. Each one of these functions can be either introverted or extraverted. They are the colors, if you
will, in which both introversion and extraversion can come in.
Let's look at the functions of thinking and feeling that Jung linked together as two ways of coming to a
judgment. Thinking is easy for us to grasp. It is what we mean by logical, discursive, analytical thought. A
leads to B, which in turn leads to C. We marshal our reasons and come to a decision. Thinking is the way
we decide whether something is true or false.
Feeling, the way Jung understood it, is a bit more difficult to grasp. It doesn't mean emotion, but rather a
way of making a judgment that is just as valid a way as thinking is. But if thinking proceeds by way of the
head, feeling uses the heart. If thinking breaks things down into their components and then reassembles
them, feeling is more holistic. If thinking prides itself on its objectivity, feeling needs a sense of rapport.
And finally, if thinking leads to truth and falsity, feeling allows us to judge whether something is good or
bad for us. Jung insists that both thinking and feeling are equally valid ways of making judgments, and
each of us possesses both of these functions, but one is usually stronger than the other.
Tyra: My feeling function is stronger than my thinking function. There is a kind of "interior scale" inside
me which I use to determine whether I like something or I don't. I take a person or a situation inside, and
weigh it on that scale, and that scale consists of many past experiences which I somehow compare with
the present one. But it is all a very holistic thing and it is the personal in a situation that attracts me.
Jim usually spends his mornings studying and writing his latest book, and often at lunch he tells me one
of his latest theories. But if it remains pure theory I have a hard time grasping it. What I want is a concrete
example or story, something that will make it personal to me and will engage my feelings so that through
my feelings I can gain a better understanding of what he is saying.
Let's look at some more examples. You will notice in these examples that women use feeling more than
thinking, and men use thinking more than feeling. This seems to be a general rule, though each of us has
both functions and what function we use most has nothing to do with the question of intelligence.
Woman: Once I was offered two jobs at the same time. It was an enviable thing. It came to a reasoned
decision based on salary, benefits, and so forth to take a certain job even though my gut level told me I
wanted to take the other job, and it was not the right decision. There have been other times in my life
when I have ignored my gut level and gone with the reasoning, and it is almost always the wrong
decision, so I am learning to respect that gut level feeling more.
Man: Whenever I return from a trip the first thing I do when I get back is get the mail, and before I can
go to bed I will systematically go through all my mail and messages, I will line them all up and prioritize
what has to be dealt with for reentry. I do the same thing with the community. There are seven of us. I
believe in a lot of long-range planning for the year, and most of the people in the community are people
who, from my prejudiced point of view, have no concept of order.
Tyra: I had created a rough draft of a video some people wanted me to do for them, and Jim and I were
reviewing it with them to decide which shots should stay, where improvements could be made, etc.
Viewing it with us were two men and a woman. I took down notes on what they said, but afterwards the
woman came up to me privately and complained that whenever the men made a suggestion, there was no

7
comment, but when she made a suggestion the two men would turn to her and try to talk her out of it, as
though her opinion wasn't as worthwhile as theirs, and her feelings were hurt.
Suppose a couple wants to buy a house. The husband may think of the house in terms of its price,
closeness to work, maintenance and so forth, while his wife might consider the purchase in terms of how
she might feel when friends and relatives come over and how the house will look during next year's
Thanksgiving dinner. Or let's imagine a husband comes home from work and his wife, who has a well
developed feeling function, wants him to sit down and share what he has been doing, and give her a
chance to do the same. Often her feelings are hurt because he says, "Hi, honey," and then continues on to
his den or TV or newspaper, removing himself from the scene in terms of his feeling function. For his
part, he might have used up all his feeling energy on the job relating to people, and is in no mood to
immediately begin relating to his wife. Or he might, in fact, be baffled by the kind of intimacy she seems
to be demanding. He knows how to do things and discuss things, but when she wants him just to be with
her, he can't comprehend what she means.
Now it is your turn. What predominates in you, thinking or feeling? Try the following quiz.

Thinking - Feeling Quiz

People
.

would

consider

me

When people argue I tell them to

Thinking
____Reasonable
.

Feeling
____Warm and sympathetic

____Come up with a solution

When someone has a problem my first

____Help them work it out
reaction is to
When it comes to making a decision I favor

____My
.

____Stop
.
____sympathize
.

head ____My
.

heart

Exercises
1. Decide whether you use your thinking or your feeling more.
2. Come up with at least one story that illustrates your decision.
3. Decide whether your spouse is stronger in thinking or feeling. Come up with a story that illustrates that
decision.
4. Do you agree with each other? If not, you have discovered an important point to discuss.
5. Try to decide whether the people around you are stronger in their thinking or their feeling function.
What about your children, or parents, or coworkers?
Sensation and Intuition

8
Just as there are two equally valid ways to arrive at a judgment, Jung saw that there were two ways of
perception: sensation and intuition. Sensation is easy to grasp. It means perception by means of our
various senses. It means contact with people and things by way of sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell.
Sensation is in touch with the here and now in all its rich detail.
In contrast, intuition means the perception of possibilities. If sensation is oriented to the present, intuition
revels in the future. When sensation is in a room, it glories in all the shades of color, and the styles of
decoration it finds there, while intuition immediately looks for the nearest window in order to float out of
it and search out hidden possibilities in the future. If someone with a strong function of sensation sees a
bowl of oranges, he or she notices the number of oranges and their precise shade of color, and might
handle them and smell them, and even perceive what kind of bowl they are in. When intuition
predominates, however, the sight of the oranges triggers off a whole chain of associations. Wouldn't it be
nice to live in Florida where I could have orange trees in my backyard, or couldn't I start an orange juice
business and then branch out to serving out other tropical fruits and then have to travel the world in search
of these exotic fruits, etc., etc.?
Tyra: A friend of mine has a very strong sensation function. For her Christmas tree she had carefully
collected special ornaments, a few each year, and when she put them on her tree she would reminisce
because each ornament reminded her of a whole part of her life. She had picked them out because of their
originality, and when Christmas was over she would carefully wrap each one in tissue paper until the next
year. For myself, if I put a couple of strings of lights on the tree, and a few ordinary ornaments, that is
enough for me and I don't give it any more thought. But that is because intuition is my stronger function
and the object itself doesn't have an intrinsic attraction for me.
Jim: My aunt used to be the head nurse of the emergency room at a big hospital. One Saturday night she
let us watch her work. A young man was brought in unconscious, accompanied by a terrified friend. It
looked like drug overdose, but the young man's companion refused to tell her what he had taken. She
looked him straight in the eye and said," Look! If you don't tell me right now what he was taking, he is
going to die." So he told her, and she immediately went into action. She had complete control over the
sensating details, and she knew exactly what to do about the situation.
Tyra: Jim's intuitive function is very strong, and when he picks up a book and starts studying, he has left
us all behind and is busy exploring the solar system, intricate philosophical discussions, or is travelling in
exotic places. When I want his attention I have learned to say, "Jim..." and then wait 10 seconds, 20
seconds, until finally he realizes that he has been called, and he says, "What, dear?" This saves me from
having to repeat myself three or four times. It is only after he has emerged from whatever world he is
inhabiting that I can communicate with him.
My son also has this problem. He has a strong intuitive function and usually has 17 plans a day. When I
used to tell him to get three things for me from our root cellar a few hundred yards down the hill, he
would come back with only one or two of them. Why? Because while he was down there he saw
something and started to play with it, or he was dreaming and picturing himself on a dangerous trek, etc-,
etc., and the three things got lost in the excitement of his imagination.
Man: My boss is much more intuitive than I am. I am more sensation oriented. I am kind of "let's sell the
products we have now, that we can deliver now, that we can get the highest profit margins on now and
make the most money for us now." He says, "No, I think you should spend some of your efforts on these
other products that we have that are more in the future, something we may want to be doing several years
from now, that may not have the profit levels now but will be well worth doing later." That's the kind of
conflict we have, and maybe that's why he owns the company!

9
Jim: That's an excellent example because you don't want an intuitive type in day-to-day management
because he or she gets tired of details. You need someone who loves details, someone who will keep up
the routines and for whom details are new to them each day. For the intuitive type details are old five
minutes after they first see them. And that can be a disaster.
Woman: I think I am an intuitive type, but by vocation I am a stay-at-home mom, and I have to perceive
by sensation because the kids are constantly pulling me into the present. One of the frustrating things for
me is that at the end of the day I have nothing to show for my day because I have been tuning in to
everything they say. I would like to dream and plan and read, and look at the bigger picture, and the
reality of it is that I am forced to be perceiving by sensation and focusing on whatever the kids bring to
me for the moment.
Jim: I have met women who seemed to me to be very intuitive women, but when they dealt with their
kids they felt they had to adopt a model of child rearing that was more sensating. But there are other ways
to be present to your kids than in a sensating way. You can, for example, say to them that you know of
some exciting things to do - things both of you would enjoy and bring them along with you.
Man: I took a trip several years ago with two of my classmates, one of whom is very much like myself,
and another is very, very different. We were going to go for ten days and take a 1,000 mile ride. We had
projected where we would go, the amount of mileage each day, and where we would stay. Everything was
going very nicely for the first day until we came to a lake. We had to be at our destination by such-andsuch a time in order to have dinner, etc., etc., and our other classmate suddenly said, "The water looks
great. Let's go take a canoe trip." Well, we were in the middle of nowhere, there were no canoes around,
but that didn't phase him because he remembered we had passed a town about a half hour back and he
was sure we would find a canoe there. This is the kind of dialogue we got into. You may imagine that
after ten days we have never gone out on a trip together again.
Man: When my wife and I went on our honeymoon I was supposed to make all the arrangements for it.
However, all I knew was where we were going, and I took care of no details whatsoever. Needless to say,
the tension in our marriage started very, very early.
Now it is your turn again. Which is stronger in you, intuition or sensation? Perhaps this quiz will help you
decide.

Intuition - Sensation Quiz

Intuition
I

Sensation
___Savor
the future
.

tend
to
the
present
___Get excited about
.
When
I
have
set
plans
___I feel somewhat
tied down ___I am comfortable
with them
.
If I were to work for a ___Research and
design ___Production and distribution
manufacturer I would prefer
.
.
I
am
inclined
to ___Get involved with many
___Do one thing at a time
.
projects at once
If people were to complain about ___I have my head in the clouds ___I
am
in
a
rut
me they would say
.
.

10

People would call me

When I find myself in a new
situation I am more interested in

___Imaginative
___What
could
.

.
___Realistic
happen ___What
.
.

is

happening
.

Now it is your turn to contribute to this discussion. Send us your

questions and comments: arraj@innerexplorations.com
A Secret that can Transform
Your Marriage:
Chapter 3
YOUR COMPLETE TYPE
Jung summed up the four functions like this: "Sensation (i.e., sense perception) tells you that something
exists; thinking tells you what it is; feeling tells you whether it is agreeable or not; and intuition tells you
whence it comes and where it is going," and we have no doubt that if you and your spouse have talked
about the various elements that make up Jung's typology and have done the exercises, you have probably
made some good progress in discovering which elements predominate in you, and which in your spouse.
Up until now we have been presenting Jung's typology understood interpersonally. As such, it is a
valuable tool to help us understand ourselves and others. If I, for example, have a strong thinking
function, and you have a strong feeling function, and we can see how these normal and natural human
differences are influencing our relationship, life could be a lot easier. What could be simpler than that?
During one retreat we were giving for married couples, everything had gone well up until this point. The
couples had broken down into small groups and discussed introversion and extraversion, then thinking
and feeling, and finally sensation and intuition, and each time they had come back to the whole group
with good stories to illustrate each of these aspects of Jung's typology. You have read similar stories in the
past two chapters. They were excited and eager to see what came next. But then we tried to explain Jung's
typology, not taken interpersonally, but intrapersonally, and the room became very quiet. Suddenly it was
as if we had taken the clear notions they were developing and scrambled them up, but it is types taken
inside ourselves that is the road that leads us to the secret that can transform our marriages.
We have insisted, as Jung did, that each of us has both introversion and extraversion, thinking and feeling,
sensation and intuition, but it is just that these elements are arranged in us in different ways, and these
differences give rise to the different types.
Let's make a diagram of types taken interpersonally.

11

In Figure 1 let's imagine that the first half-circle with the T in it represents a man with a well-developed
thinking function, while the second half-circle with an F in it represents his wife who has a welldeveloped feeling function. There are lots of other ways in which we could draw this diagram. For
example, in the first half-circle we could put E to represent extraversion, and in the second, I to represent
introversion. Or we could put S in one half-circle to represent sensation, and U in the other half-circle to
represent intuition. In any of these cases all we are trying to illustrate is that our spouse can have a
different type than our own, and the recognition of these type differences can have a beneficial effect on
our marriage. Then we understand that it is all right for our spouse to be the way he or she is, and for us to
be like we are, and if this was what types was about, it would be a very valuable tool and a quite straightforward one.

But ask yourself where the other half of each of those half-circles is. Or, if Jung says that each of us
possesses all the elements of typology, just where are they? Jung's answer is quite clear. He claims that
there is another whole part of our personality that we are not really in touch with.So let's draw another
diagram. In Figure 2, the dotted half-circle represents what Jung calls the unconscious. If we have certain
typological elements that are well-developed parts of our everyday conscious personalities, or the top half
of the circles, we also have less developed typological elements that reside in the unconscious. For
example, if I am strong in thinking, I will have feeling, as well, but it will be less developed and less
conscious. Or, if in my conscious personality I am more extraverted, my unconscious will tend to be more
introverted. In this fashion we can begin to develop a typological map of ourselves and plot on that map
which part of us is extraverted and introverted and where the four functions go.
Let's look at another diagram.

12

Figure 3 represents a man who is extraverted with a well-developed function of thinking. Thinking is his
most developed function, but let's suppose that he also has a fairly well-developed function of sensation.
If he is consciously extraverted he will be unconsciously introverted. If his most developed function is
thinking, his least developed function will be feeling, and if his second most developed function is
sensation, his function of intuition will also be somewhat developed, but less than his function of
sensation.
You can begin to see why our retreat group fell silent. This looks much more complicated than naming
our most developed function and that of our partner and letting it go at that. But this is the deeper
meaning of Jung's typology. In fact all of Jung's psychology can be summed up in his typology if we look
at it this way. Then what Jung called individuation, or wholeness, from a typological point of view
becomes developing those aspects of our type found in the unconscious. But what, we can hear you
asking, has all this to do with transforming my own marriage? That's a good question, and we will soon
find out in the next chapter, but for the moment we would like you and your spouse each to try to create
your own typological maps. This is not easy. Don't expect to immediately fill in all the elements. Just do
the best you can, and consider that you may have to revise this map many times in the future as your
typological insight grows through experience. Help each other fill in the different elements. Here is a rule
that Jung derived from his experience that might make the job easier. We saw that thinking and feeling
were two contrasting ways of arriving at a judgment, and that sensation and intuition were two contrasting
ways at arriving at a perception. Jung felt that the two functions in each pair were connected in an
important way in the psyche. Thus, if your most developed function is thinking, your least developed
function would be feeling, and vice versa. And if your most developed function is sensation, then your
least developed function would be intuition. Sometimes we know our most developed function, or we
know our weakest function, and that will tell us where the other one of the pair goes.
Try to fill in these typological maps.

Now it is your turn to contribute to this discussion. Send us your questions and comments:
arraj@innerexplorations.com

A Secret That Can Transform

Your Marriage:

13
Chapter 4

Falling In Love
It is time to make good on our promise that this deeper view of typology taken intrapersonally vitally
effects our marriages. Meet an imaginary couple, Mark and Linda. They are a composite of many married
couples. In this case we will say that Mark is an introverted thinking type and Linda is a extraverted
feeling type. When we first see them they are in their early twenties and are deeply in love. They have
discovered that magic that comes with falling in love. They are immersed in each other, and when they
are not together they are thinking of each other. They have never met anyone before like each other. In
each other's presence they feel marvelously whole and complete, and they have decided to marry so that
they can permanently live in this state of bliss.
This is how falling in love looks to them:

It is as if they have been searching their whole lives for that special other person who completes them.
Sometimes it seemed like they would never find that person, that they would go through life unfulfilled,
and now by some happy chance they have had the great good fortune to find each other.
But if Jung were to look at them with his keen psychological sight, what would he see? What would he
ask them? The f irst thing he would say is, "Where are the other halves of those half circles?"
And they would reply, "What are you talking about? It is true that we were incomplete before, and we
knew something was missing, but now that we have found each other we are whole. The other half of the
circle is the other person."
Mark and Linda's viewpoint is one that our society as a whole shares. The key to our personal happiness,
we imagine, is finding that person with whom we can form a perfect unity. It is hard to imagine even Jung
being able to convince Mark and Linda that there is something vital they are overlooking. They feel they
know and experience the wholeness they have been searching for, and so whatever he has to say does not
apply to them.
Next we meet Mark and Linda three years later. The very things that attracted them to each other have
become sources of contention. Mark had been initially drawn to Linda because of her great warmth which
she would focus on anyone she was dealing with, but especially on him. Linda, for her part, had been
drawn to Mark because of his air of self-sufficiency and his clear analytical thinking that seemed to cut to

14
the heart of any problem. But now Mark is actually annoyed by his wife's outgoing and feeling nature. He
feels that it is simply too shallow and that she conducts an opinion poll among her friends in order to
come to any decision instead of using her own mind. She continually wants to go out, but to activities that
are all glitter and flutter and no substance. Linda, in her turn, sees that Mark's clear analytical mind has a
dark side that expresses itself in cutting remarks which have the effect of keeping people at arm's length.
His self-sufficiency has been transformed into an anti-social attitude that wants to chain her to the house
and his interminable quiet evenings. Both of them are deeply disappointed because the wholeness they
experienced seems to have evaporated. They love each other, but that love for some unknown reason is
being strangled, and they don't know how much more of this incessant bickering and fighting they can
take. Is this relationship destined to founder on these temperamental differences? Was that glorious sense
of wholeness just a mirage, and so at best they will have to put away their early dreams and simply endure
real life? Or will they end up in a divorce that will be devastating to both of them?
Now Jung appears on the scene again, but this time they really want to hear what he has to say. He takes
their initial picture of failing in love and he replaces it with a more complex one that looks like this:

And they listen attentively while he explains what it means. "Each person," he tells them, "has an
undeveloped other side. Mark, since consciously you are introverted with a developed function of
thinking, then your other side is more extraverted in a feeling way. Linda, you are just the opposite. You
were both searching for that something that would complete you, and that is the reason why you were
attracted to each other. As they say, opposites attract, and this is often literally true in marriage where we
see many marriages of opposites like your own. Even in marriages where these typological differences are
not as extreme, there are still enough contrasts to make life interesting. I can understand why when you
got together you felt you had reached the goal that you had been searching for. But in actual fact, what
you were experiencing was a taste, or a promise, of what it means to be whole. Mark thought it was
enough to find you. He didn't realize that in a very real way we can say that he had hidden in himself a
woman he needed to relate to. Clearly I don't mean a real flesh and blood woman like you are, Linda, but
I mean a feminine dimension in his psyche connected with his feeling function that had remained
undeveloped and unconscious. I have called this woman the anima, but you can call it anything you want
as long as you come to understand that it, is a very real factor in the psyche that vitally effects your
conduct.
"Linda, it is much the same story with you. Your other side is introverted with the function of thinking,
and it, too, acts like a hidden and powerful force whose energy radiates out of the unconscious and effects

15
your daily behavior. You, too, have another person, as it were, living inside you, but this dimension is like
a man which I call the animus.
"Now let's look at my diagram. Naturally enough, Mark never thought about relating to the woman
within. He didn't even know she existed, and if I had told him about her earlier, he would have thought I
was completely crazy. But if this feminine dimension actually exists as part of Mark's larger personality,
we cannot expect that it will lie there inertly. No. It is a living reality, and it calls out to him, as it were,
for attention and affection, and chances to grow. But he is deaf to her, and yet it is from her that that
tremendous longing to be whole comes from. So when he meets you, Linda, he recognizes, whether
consciously or unconsciously, that you somehow possess what he. is missing. But what he doesn't realize
is that when he looks at you he is not seeing you in a purely objective fashion, but it is as if the woman
within has come out and become the colored glasses through which he views you. You did much the same
thing in relationship to him when you fell in love. Did you ever think of why we say falling in love? It is
because it is something that happens to us, like fate or destiny, something beyond our control. I would say
it is the activation of this unconscious dimension in each of us which comes out and vitally influences
how we see that other person. Then we see them as the perfect completion, the missing half, that we have
been searching for, and we treat them with an appropriate awe, reverence and sense of wonder. It is as if
bathed in the light of the anima or the animus they have become magical, almost divine-like beings.
"But this is only the positive side of things. If there is falling in love, there is also falling out of love. This
is when the rose-tinted glasses are taken away, or we could say that the light coming from the
unconscious is withdrawn. Then we see the other person as an actual flesh and blood human being. We
see that that person is not our miraculous completion, but in fact, our spouse who has a very different kind
of personality than our own. This can come as a terrible shock. It is almost as if we woke up one morning
to find a stranger in bed with us. But it is even worse than that. This is the person on whom we pinned our
hopes, and now it looks as if our hopes are not going to be fulfilled. We are disappointed, and we look
around for someone to blame. And the person we pick is our partner. We have moved from the positive
projection of falling into a negative projection.
"Mark, why are you so irritated with Linda who, in fact, is just being herself? It is because she has
disappointed you. She is not the magical answer to your own wholeness that you thought she would be,
and this feeling of disappointment and the anger that comes with it is what drives you to see her in a
negative way. It is your own inner woman, your own feelings, which you have neglected, that have the
very qualities you are attributing to Linda. They are disorderly and scattered. They run all over the place
and you can't control them. Linda, you are doing the same thing. Because you have neglected your
animus, it has become cranky, irritable, and isolated, all qualities you now find in your husband. What
both of you must do if you truly want to save your marriage is to learn about inner marriage."
Exercise
With the help of your spouse if possible, reflect on your own experience of falling in love and married
life, and fill in Jung's diagram:

16

Now it is your turn to contribute to this discussion. Send us your questions and comments:
arraj@innerexplorations.com
A Secret That Can Transform
Your Marriage:
Chapter 5
INNER MARRIAGE
Just what is inner marriage? It is no different than what Jung calls wholeness, or the process of
individuation. Inner development and wholeness, then, becomes the very way in which we can nourish
our outer marriages.
But how can we go about living out this call to inner marriage and relating to this hidden other side of us?
We can only provide a brief summary here, but luckily there is an enormous literature that has grown up
around Jung's work and is readily available. We have also created books, videos and audiotapes which
look at the question of this inner marriage from the point of view of typology.
But before we summarize some of the basic principles that govern this inner work, a caution is in order.
We are talking about normal psychological development, and not the kind of psychotherapy necessary if
we are suffering from some deep psychological trauma. In those cases it is best to look for professional
help, but in this more general field of psychological growth there is much we can do to took after our
psychological health, just as we have to care for our physical health by good nutrition and exercise.
Psychological work can be compared to learning how to drive a car. It would be foolish for us to imagine
that we could simply jump into a car with no previous experience, no lessons, and no experienced driver
at our side, and simply take off and make our way through the rush hour traffic. It is equally foolish to
think that we could open the door that leads to the unconscious and plunge in with abandon. Yet, taking
our time and with the help of our spouse, we can learn how to do our inner psychological work.
The first challenge we face in this kind of work is the difficulty we have in believing that this other side
actually exists. Even if we believe it theoretically exists, it is still difficult to admit that it is a powerful
influence on our day to day behavior. This reluctance is rooted in the fact that the unconscious, as its very
name indicates, is unknown to us. We can't directly perceive it, so our first task is to find ways in which to
get a glimpse of it. This is why Jung was so fond of dreams and fantasies because they gave him a picture
of what the unconscious is like. Sometimes we remember a powerful and vivid dream, and with it comes
a certain kind of strange feeling. It is as if for a moment, before we turn away, we have gotten a glimpse
of that other world. So dreams are one way to do inner work, but usually we need someone who has some
experience working with them before they begin to yield their meaning to us.

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A simpler way to begin is by way of our own type. By now you probably have some idea of what the type
is of your conscious and more developed side. From that knowledge you can deduce the type of your
hidden unconscious side. In the case of Mark, in the last chapter, it would be rather easy for him to come
to the realization that he is an introverted thinking type, and so he could deduce that his other side was
extraverted feeling. But this knowledge, as true as it is, is going to do him very little good unless he can
somehow make living contact with that other side. It is not enough for him to know that there is this
hidden feminine dimension, or anima, in his unconscious, but he has to enter day by day into a living
inner marriage with her.
Marriage has provided Mark with a striking way to see what is in his unconscious and begin to make
contact with it. We have already seen how his relationship with Linda is filled with images and feelings
that originate deep within him. It has become a screen, as it were, upon which is projected what his own
unconscious is like. Up until now he has failed to see that, and has either elevated Linda to a superhuman
level as some kind of angelic being, or damned her to hell as a devil. But the angels and devils really live
inside himself, and it is his relationship to Linda that has made them visible. They are both faced with a
wonderful opportunity. They don't have to laboriously try to discover what exists in their unconsciouses.
It is staring them right in the face if they could only recognize it. Their very relationship which is
beginning to tear them apart and could destroy them could also, if they could see it with new eyes, save
them.
How could this work out in practice? Mark, for example, is annoyed when he comes home and finds
Linda on the phone, and it takes her another ten minutes, at least, to hang up and greet him. Then no
sooner had they sat down to dinner than someone else calls. Naturally it is for Linda, and so that disrupts
dinner time. Mark would really like to say, "No phone calls during dinner." But he doesn't know how to
do that without sounding like some kind of tyrant. Already he is catching himself making biting
comments when Linda says something off the top of her head without really thinking about what she is
saying.
Linda, for her part, feels like she is slowly being checked from every direction. It is as if Mark is building
a prison around her to cut her off from the easy social contact that is her very life-blood. He seems to
resist more and more whenever she wants to arrange some kind of social event for them, and he seems to
resent it when she goes off by herself. It is as if nothing she can say or do can really satisfy him.
This kind of situation, which could spiral out of control and end in disaster, can also be turned around.
What is Mark really doing? He is treating his wife as if she is somehow out of control and can't be trusted
to say the appropriate thing or decide what she wants to do. Yet, ironically, it was Linda's outgoing and
spontaneous nature that first drew him to her. Why does Mark feel that Linda is somehow out of control?
The answer lies in his own undeveloped side. It is his own feelings that cannot really be trusted to say or
do the appropriate thing. They are, in fact, too cut off from him and live a life that is out of his conscious
control. But he can't see this, buried as they are deep in his unconscious. But what he does see is Linda
who embodies in a very real way his extraverted feeling side. As long as he doesn't make contact with his
own feelings, he will project them on her, and begin to make her life miserable, and his own, as well.
Here we have reached the critical point. Mark has to somehow come to the realization that his own
feelings are driving the outer situation. This is very difficult to do. It is almost like a supreme act of
humility. It is an admission that there is more to him than his well-developed thinking function. Deep
inside him there is this woman whom he has neglected, and who really doesn't know how to act
appropriately. She is the one who makes dumb remarks without thinking, or goes on and on without
reflecting. She is the one he is trying to keep at bay and under control, and almost legislate her out of

18
existence. He would like to be pure thinking and not have to deal with what appears to him to be the very
messy reality of feeling. And he takes it all out on Linda.
Linda has to deal with her own inner marriage, as well. She is disorganized and unreflective, and she can't
seem to break away from her friends, even when she should be paying attention to Mark. But at a deeper
level she doesn't take time to pay attention to that introverted thinking man who lives deep inside of
herself. She would really like to take some time for herself and to study and meditate, but somehow it
never happens. The time she wants to set aside all gets swallowed up in errands, phone calls and visits.
Every time she is about to have five minutes for herself, someone seems to call or come over and need her
sympathy. But why is this happening? It is because the animus deep inside her is neglected and
undeveloped. In a very real way she doesn't want to get to know him. She fears he might be cruel or
tyrannical and cut her off from the warm flow of feelings that has always nourished her. These fears, of
course, are the very way that she is beginning to see Mark. who, first embodied that strong, sure
introversion and thinking that she was lacking, and now is being transmuted into a monster. She, too, has
reached that critical moment where she needs an insight into what is really going on.
How can the critical insight arrive for both of them? Perhaps it can be born out of the love they have for
each other. Perhaps one day they sit down and really look at each other and see the person they care so
much about, and they sense that powerful forces beyond their conscious awareness and control have been
weakening their relationship and threatening to end it altogether.
If they come to that realization, they have understood in a very real and practical way that the
unconscious actually exists, and profoundly effects our daily behavior. What can they do about it? They
need to deal with these powerful unconscious forces, carefully, prudently, and most of all, together. It is as
if they are standing on a tiny little island of sand and big waves are rolling in at them, threatening to
sweep them away. The unconscious is nothing to be underestimated, but at least the unconscious is now
becoming indirectly visible through the history of their own relationship.
This is the time to put away the resentment that has been growing in them about each other. They should
write it off to forces beyond their control and make a new beginning. Mark has to make a firm resolution
to try to get in touch with his extraverted feeling side, and Linda has to do the same in regard to her
introverted thinking side. These tasks would be very difficult to accomplish if they had to tackle them
entirely alone. But they have each other. They have actual living models of what their undeveloped sides
could become, at least in some small measure.
What can Mark do after his fundamental admission that he needs to work on his extraverted feeling side?
He can't and shouldn't imagine that he can somehow give up his introverted thinking nature and become
at extraverted feeling type like Linda. It wouldn't even be wise to give himself over to her kind of social
schedule. His attempts have to be much more modest and more in line with his own nature. Mark does
have friends, for example, and he does like to spend some time with them, and he realizes that he doesn't
spend as much time as he should. Here he can make a conscious effort to call one of them up and arrange
to go see them even though it disrupts his tight and orderly schedule. Another example. Mark by nature is
not a party person, but if he is honest with himself, there is some part of him that would like to experience
some of that reality. He can try to take a more active part in some of the things that Linda likes to do, and
he also can create his own parties which would probably tend to be smaller, more intimate affairs than
anything his wife would plan. What is crucial in all this is that Mark carry out these activities with the
conscious intention of trying to build a bridge to that extraverted feeling side of his own personality. They
become ways he enters into dialogue with that woman within, and tries to please her.

19
What should Linda's attitude be to his attempts? First and foremost, she has to realize how difficult for
Mark these activities are, and not be critical of how modest they appear on the outside. If he wants to
invite four people over for dinner, she has to restrain herself from inviting four more. If he wants to go
with her to a party, she has to be ready to meet him halfway and come home a bit earlier than she would
like.
Linda has to make her own attempts to make contact with that introverted thinking side within her. She
may, for example, first become aware of how her own introverted needs are continually being
subordinated to her extraverted personality and the multitude of things that she does. Then it might make
sense for her to set aside fifteen minutes or half an hour during the day that will be her own special time
sheltered from all phone calls or visits, and dedicated to try to find a way to build a bridge to the animus.
She might try reading books she always wanted to get to, or practice some kind of simple meditation that
emphasizes focusing inward. That relatively short period of time could be enough to begin to transform
her life and her marriage. Mark, for his part, has to see these modest attempts for what they really are. The
slightest word of scorn about the fruits of Linda's quiet times could do great harm. She is not attempting
to think like he thinks, or to become accomplished in some area that he values. She is trying to get in
touch with her own thought in her own way. She is trying to give some nourishment to that dimension
deep in her psyche that has been too long neglected. It is his role to encourage what she is doing and even
shelter her precious time alone by playing the extravert, as it were, and dealing with what needs to be
done. In a relatively small and modest way they are both reversing their roles because they now see that
the wholeness that they experienced when they first got together was the promise that they could become
whole within themselves.
We have focused on just one common type of marriage between the extraverted feeling type and the
introverted thinking type. Naturally, many other kinds of relationships abound, but the same principles
hold true.
Exercise
Sit down with your spouse and see if you have reached that critical moment in which you both don't want
things to go on like they did before and are willing to stop blaming each other and start admitting that
there are powerful forces in the unconscious of each of you that have been responsible for a large portion
of your behavior.
Then you can begin, together, to explore those areas that have become problems, and try to find some
simple things that each of you can do, with the help of the other, to begin to look within and make contact
with your other side.
The Secret
What is the secret that can transform your marriage? It is that the secret of our wholeness lies within each
of us. We have to stop putting the burden for it on our spouse. Both of us are meant to go on that inner
journey that leads to individuation, but it is our partner who should be our companion along the way,
helping and sustaining our own journey. If we take the pressure off each other to supply each other with
wholeness, and begin to seek it inside ourselves, our marriage will actually become much stronger and
more loving.
Now it is your turn to contribute to this discussion. Send us your questions and comments:
arraj@innerexplorations.com

20
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