WHATS

INSIDE:

FEATURE:

Whats Goin On?

Inducement:

Adoption Language
We Must Understand
PAGE 3

Things to do
and see nearby.

BOREDOM

BUSTERS

PAGE 2 & 3

PAGE 5

AUG

2016

R E S O U R C E S , N E W S & I N F O R M AT I O N F O R A D O P T I V E FA M I L I E S I N T E H A M A C O U N T Y

LETTER to

ADOPTIVE PARENTS
by Liz Hunter

At the age of 8, I entered the foster care I comforted my dad during his moments of
system after living those early years in parental guilt, washed the blood off my mom
a home pervaded by ravaging addiction, after he painted that agony all over her face
unimaginable violence, extreme poverty, time and time again, and took care of the
and homelessness. The facts of my early offspring that werent old enough to fulfill the
existence are hard for
insatiable needs of our
even myself to believe. I I existed on another planet, parents.
existed within a dizzying
and it was my greatest need This was my reality. At
alter universe that never
least it was until social
seemed to stop spinning. to keep you from causing any services stepped in.
Just when I was sure more destruction to it.
That is the day that I
I would die within the
became
completely
confines of my reality, I was lifted from invisible - utterly and completely lost within
this land and into a world which bore no this world of people so unlike myself. Its
semblance to my own. I did not know how to not that nobody was looking. They were all
survive in this clean new land of foster care, studying me like the foreign creature that I
whose native inhabitants were so much was to them. The problem was that nobody
more civilized than those from my past. How
Continued on Page 4 .
could these people possibly accept me? How
could I possibly ever learn to pretend I was
like them?
These people had such beautiful homes,
and hearts, and children. Most of them had
never touched, let alone lived amongst, the
ugliest parts of humanity. I wished this were
true for me, but the dark is from where I
spawned. I was not conceived in love and
doted over and taught that my life matteredeven a little. I was the product of desperation
and primitive, unadulterated
impulses.
Once I arrived on this earth, I was invisible.
I was only seen when the irresponsible
people who created me needed me to
satisfy the needs of their own empty hearts.
Together on Purpose August 2016

August 16
September 20
3:30 - 4:30 PM

345 David Avenue, Red Bluff

(North Valley Baptist Church)

All Adoptive
Families Welcome
Free Childcare
Provided On-Site

It's not too late to get your Starbucks Card!

FREE

STARBUCKS
GIFT CARD

We only ask one small favor ...

Visit www.togetheronpurpose.org
and fill out the survey to let us know
what services YOUR FAMILY would
find valuable. Then, fill out the contact
form, and we'll send your gift card out!
Eligibility: Must be over 18. Must be a foster or adoptive
parent in the Tehama County area (we're interpreting that
pretty loosely, but keep in mind, supplies are limited).
One submission (and Starbucks card) per adult. While
supplies last. Rules are subject to change at any time.

WHATS GOIN ON?

AUGUST 2016

16

bTogether on Purpose Network

& Resource Group

Tuesday, August 16, 3:30 - 4:30PM at 345

David Ave., Red Bluff (North Valley Baptist
Church). Come meet with professional
therapist Scott Howell, MFTI and other
Tehama County adoptive families for
support, networking and resource sharing.
Free childcare provided on-site. All
adoptive families welcome. For more
information, call Andrea or Tahnee at 530528-0300 or email acurry@atvrb.org. We
look forward to seeing you there!

18

bCoffee & Conversation

sSupport Group

Thursday, August 18, 10AM-11:30AM at

Youth & Family Center, 1640 West St.,
Redding. Monthly adoption support group
for parents that takes place the third
Thursday of each month. Sponsored by
Shasta College Foster and Kinship Care
Education program. Childcare is provided.
RSVP with Adele Beckman at 530-2444308 with number of children.

SEPTEMBER 2016

13

bFASD Support Group - Chico

Tuesday, September 13 (2nd

Tuesday of every month) from 9:3011:30AM at Lilliput Childrens Services,
289 Rio Lindo Avenue Chico, CA 95926
Marji Thomas, MA, CCC is facilitating our
new support group,focusing on Fetal Alcohol
Spectrum Disorder starting March 8th,
2016.The FASD Support Group will provide
general information, resources,referral
information and provide a supportive circle
for you and your family. Please join us every
month for this new and informative support
group. For information: Miko Wilson, MSW
(530) 209-0817 Deborah Aronson, MSW
(530) 646-7558

15

bCoffee & Conversation

sSupport Group

Thursday, September 15, 10AM-11:30AM

at Youth & Family Center, 1640 West St.,
Redding. Monthly adoption support group
for parents that takes place the third
Thursday of each month. Sponsored by
Shasta College Foster and Kinship Care
Education program. Childcare is provided.
RSVP with Adele Beckman at 530-2444308 with number of children.

17

bIde Adobe Day

Thursday, September 17; William

B. Ide Adobe State Historical Park, 21659
Adobe Road, Red Bluff. Enjoy the period
music of the Ide Adobe Players and
experience "hands-on" pioneer crafts and
period activities at this historic ranch and
ferry crossing. Activities include Gold Rushera music, pioneer crafts, home-baked
refreshments, and period dancing. Call for
details: (530) 529-8599

20

bTogether on Purpose Network

& Resource Group

Tuesday, September 20, 3:30 - 4:30PM

at 345 David Ave., Red Bluff (North
Valley Baptist Church). Come meet with
professional therapist Scott Howell, MFTI
and other Tehama County adoptive families
for support, networking and resource
sharing. Free childcare provided on-site.
All adoptive families welcome. For more
information, call Andrea or Tahnee at 530528-0300 or email acurry@atvrb.org. We
look forward to seeing you there!

Farmer's Markets
Saturday Mornings:
Through September 24
7:30AM-Noon at Red Bluff City Park

Wednesday Evenings
Through September 7
5-8PM, Downtown Red Bluff at
Washington and Pine St.

30

Coming
Events &
Activities

bHarvest for Health to benefit

gFamily Counseling Center

Friday, September 30, 4PM - 7PM at the

State Theatre for the Arts, 333 Oak Street,
Red Bluff. Music, Food, Drinks & AMAZING
Silent Auction Items, all for a great cause.
Dont miss this community event! For
details, visit www.statetheatreredbluff.com

Sunset River Jam

FREE Concert Series

Anderson River Park
Amphitheatre

EVERY WEDNESDAY FROM

August 17 thorugh September 21
Live Music, Art & Food Vendors
5PM - Opening Act, 6PM - Main Act

More Resources
for Adoptive
Families:
Support Groups:
Yuba, Sutter, Colusa, Glenn Counties

For Support Groups held in Yreka,

Mt. Shasta, Orland or Sacramento contact
Leslie Damschoder at 530.879.3861

Butte County Post Adoptive Services

Support Group, Drop in Assistance, WRAP

Family Support Group ... For info, call Miko:
530-209-0817, Heather: 916-475-7198 or
Deborah: 530-896-1920

Education:
Sierra Forever Families

Seminars on topics like Attachment,

Understanding Poverty, Understanding
Trauma, and more. Leslie Damschoder
530.879.3861

The Attach Place

Center for Strengthening Relationships

3406 American River Drive, Suite D

Sacramento, CA 95864
ce@attachplace.com (916) 403-0588

An Alternatives to Violence
Project
possible
through
collaboration
with
the Tehama
County
Department
Social Services
An Alternatives
to made
Violence
project,
madeapossible
through
partnership
with
the Tehama
CountyofPermanency
Team.

Inducement:

Adoption Language We Must Understand

by Maris Blechner
The concept of inducement, as borrowed from
psychologists, has helped adoptive families and
family support professionals to view adopted
children's acting out behaviors in a more positive
way, and was adapted for use in the adoption
field by the author's creative, innovative, alwaysthinking, and deeply committed senior staff.

In a world where telephones and e-mail

dominate our interactions, we sometimes
forget there are other ways to communicate.
In the adoption world, particularly,
communication without words takes on special
meaning, and psychologists have given us a
concept of non-verbal communication that
makes an incredible amount of sense in the
context of adoption. It is called inducement.
Whatever else inducement may be to the
world at large, those of us who live or work
with adopted children need to understand that
inducement is absolutely the language of the
abandoned. Family Focus staff are convinced
that it is the most important conceptual tool
we have to understand why children act the
way they do.

Inducement and Abandonment

Inducement, as it applies to relationships, is

simply defined. With no words required, one

person sets up a situation to make another
person feel what the first person feels. All
of us do it to a greater or lesser extent. One
classic example is when we come home from
work after a terrible day. While we may say
nothing, our actions cause everyone else in
the house to feel as angry or upset as we are.
It's a very common human experience and
certainly not unique to abandoned children.
However, abandoned children are experts
at setting up a situation to make someone
special feel exactly how that child feels.
There is no question that children in foster
care whom we place for adoption are filled with
negative feelingsthe "baggage" we hear so
much about. What is the common experience
that all children placed for adoption share?
Abandonment, or better stated, perceived
abandonment. In truth, there are many birth
parents who made plans for their children
and perhaps even walked away purposefully
to insure that their child would have a
better life. Yet, as we have learned directly
from adoptees, the sense of having been
abandoned is central to adoptees' experience.
Abandonment is the most awful experience
Together on Purpose August 2016

that any human being can endure. In fact,

there are no words in our language to truly
describe it. Then too, think when adopted
children are abandoned. Abandonment
usually happens pre-verbally, at a very young
agetiming that adds to the sense that
words cannot even adequately describe an
abandoned child's painful feelings.
Adults, however, can pretty easily list some of
the emotions that perceived abandonment
engenders. How does an abandoned person
feel? Isolated, guilty, lost, filled with profound
sorrow, enraged, worthless, hopeless,
helpless, and most of all, crazy. This, too, we
learned from adoptees.
Unfortunately, "crazy" makes a great deal of
sense if one defines it as feeling that one's
inner self is totally out of sync with the outside
world. Think of a child moving to a new home:
feeling sorrow when everyone else is happy;
feeling anxious when everyone is saying,
"Don't worry"; feeling lost when everyone else
is saying how lucky she is to be there.
Then add intensity. A child who feels
abandoned feels intensely alone, intensely
angry, intensely sad, intensely mad, and
intensely crazy. Intensity is one of the qualities
of all inducement. The other quality is that
all of the feelings a child shares in this nonverbal way are negative. Anyone working with
adoptive parents has surely heard the parents
complaining that they are experiencing
intensely negative feelings as a result of
what their children are doing. In fact, parents
who call an agency, a friend, or a therapist,
often use the same words that describe an
abandoned child's feelings:
"I feel so hopeless."
"I have never felt such rage before."
"I just feel so sad."
"This child is making me crazy."
That is solid proof of inducement. In short,
the difference between general inducement
and inducement by adopted children is that
the feelings the children induce in their
parents are specifically the horrible feelings
of abandonment, hidden in the children
for long periods of time, until they feel safe
enough to communicate them. We have long
recognized that foster children keep their
most negative feelings buried deep inside. If
they were to communicate them to their foster
parents in the non-verbal way that children
most often communicate, it would create a

cataclysmic explosion. The children would be

removed from the foster home and probably
institutionalized.
We know that foster children, understanding
that they don't have a permanent family of
their own, have developed a thick skin as
part of their coping mechanism for surviving
in foster care. To maintain that thick skin, all
of those negative feelings must be tucked far
below the surface.

When What Looks Bad Is Really Good

What makes a child finally open up and start
to communicate those horrible deeply buried
feelings? We believe that children open up
when they feel safe within a forever family. As
a result, a child's communication of deeply
buried feelings is absolutely a good thing.
Communication is certainly part of healthy
family life. It is proof that an adoption is a
success and that a child has accepted his
adoptive parents as real parents, because it
is to his real parents that a child will want to
communicate and finally start to get rid of that
lifetime of negative feelings.
Yet, how does that success often look? Very
bad. How does it feel? Very bad. How does the
outside world see a child who is acting out her
negative feelings? As an out-of-control child;
as a child who doesn't want to live there any
more; as a member of a family in bad shape.
To summarize, if communication is good, and
if a child communicates by acting out, then
what looks bad, and feels bad, is really good.
What looks like a failing adoption is really a
strong and successful adoption.
What then is the purpose of inducement?
Is inducement simply a way for children to
communicate how they feel to their parents?
Not completely. Like all unconsciously
motivated behavior, inducement has more
than one purpose. Its biggest purpose is to
express the child's cry for help to the parents.
The children induce terribly painful feelings in
the adultsperhaps only some small fraction
of what the children feeland then they sit
back (unconsciously) and watch what the
parents do with their feelings. If the adult can't
handle such terrible feelings without rejecting
the child or doing something else negative,
then what chance does the child have to
handle those same feelings constructively?

Continued on Page 4

An Alternatives to Violence Project made

3 possible

Letter to Adoptive Parents

(Continued from Page 1)

could really see me.

This is the
of a
When it became too REALface
child of
the
system.
hard to bring me into
This child is
the focus of their
ME!

hearts, they passed

me on. Six times, I
was passed on. Six times I told myself, with
increasing certainty, that NOBODY could ever
love someone like me. Even my own mother
couldnt, right? So how could you?
Eventually, I landed, shattered beyond repair,
in a home that I had no intention to try to
belong to. Not only had I given up on the
people from your world, but you became the
enemy. I existed on another planet, and it was
my greatest need to keep you from causing
any more destruction to it. My focus then

Inducement: Adoption Language ...

(Continued from Page 3)

Separating the Inducement Message

from Behavior
At those critical moments in a placement,
when a child has opened up and begun
to heal by communicating some horrible
feelings (without even being aware of what
is happening) and letting a parent feel them,
what is the worst thing a parent can do?
The worst thing is to blame the childeven
though blaming the child is certainly an
understandable and instinctive reaction.
Instead, a parent holding a child accountable
for his behavior makes the child feel safe.
The child is acting out purposefully. The child
is deliberately choosing the way in which he
acts out, though he is often unconscious
of what really motivates him to act out.
The parent who understands there is good
communication going on will practically deal
with the acting out behavior, and respect
the message behind the inducement for its
tremendous value.
If, as sometimes happens, the adoptive
parent, worker, therapist, school, or Child
Protective Services uses the child's acting out
(the child's inducement-motivated behavior)
to decide that the adoption is a failure, they
are doing exactly the wrong thing at exactly
the wrong time. Not only are they feeding the
confusion and feelings of craziness already
within the child, they are breaking up a solid
family and interrupting the child's healing
process.
We must emphasize two points about
inducement. First, for a child to act out
sufficiently to communicate negative feelings

became on rejecting you. I had learned to

just speed up the inevitable. The days turned
to months, and I just kept pushing harder
and harder against you. I locked you out of
my life and threw away the key. I barely even
noticed when the months turned to years. I
had made myself a prisoner of survival. I did
so, until the day I realized that I wasnt really
surviving. I was drowning- all alone in my
foreign land. I was drowning on the years of
isolation and choking on the tears of my own
anguish. Just as I was about to slip away to
that dark and peaceful place that I had begun
to desperately long for, you caught me. I never
gave you the key, but you caught me anyway.
You struggled to pull me into your arms and
refused to let me go. You even gave me your
name. In that one act of total acceptance,
you gave both me and yourself a new reality.

You whispered the words into my heart,

Lets create this new world- together."

to adoptive parents, he or she may have

to do some pretty terrible things. Children
are masters at understanding how to push
buttons. One family may react terribly to a child
hurting a family pet. Another family may react
just as strongly to a child eating leftovers from
the refrigerator without saving any for anyone
else. Children have a strong unconscious
sense of how to engender negative feelings
in others.

who understand and believe in the concept of

inducement, though, is never disruption. They
hold on and do what all parents must do.

Second, and usually more surprising to the

field, inducement is a dynamic that enters
an adoptive family even if that family was a
child's foster family for a dozen years. It is only
when a child believes that he is finally going to
be adopted, and will finally have a real family,
that the inducement begins. Most children in
foster care won't communicate those feelings,
and most foster families are not trained, or
warned, that becoming your child's adoptive
parent changes the entire dynamic in the
home.

Beyond that, parents must keep parenting

and dealing with their children's negative
behaviors as other parents would. Negative
behaviors warrant appropriate consequences,
and positive behavior must be rewarded.
Parents' overall responsibility is always to
model appropriate responses to both a child's
negative behavior and their own negative
feelings. The same holds true for the negative
feelings that are induced by the child, and
recognized by the parents as such. Parents

Family Focus has placed hundreds of older

children and teens who absolutely believed
their adoptive parents were going to be there
for them forever. Upon adoption, the natural
next step for those children who finally felt
safe was to start to open up and communicate
those feelings. As expected, many of those
families experienced sometimes terrible
acting out because of the child's need to
induce negative feelings in the adoptive
parent.
Fortunately, our families are forewarned. They
are trained to understand that inducement is
a good thing that feels bad, an intensity that
is almost shocking in its depth. Those families
have lots of negative behavior to cope with,
and no easy time. The answer for parents

Liz Hunter spent 7 years in care and was adopted

at age 15. She began to thrive after attaining
permanency, graduating as Valedictorian of her
high school and Summa Cum Laude from college.
Liz currently speaks professionally and is contracted
by the Illinois Department of Children and Family
Services to train foster/adoptive parents. For
more articles and resources, visit Liz's website at
www.fosternoiseadoptpeace.com.
"I know that such success often seems
unattainable for kids in care, but
I am working to change that by
educating people about what is
going on with our kids and what
they really need. My hope is to
provide a perspective into these
issues that few survivors ever feel
safe enough to articulate."
- Liz

So, what are adoptive parents supposed to

do during the inducement stage? There is no
magic answer. However, the knowledge that
inducement is healthy communication should
take a great deal of weight off parents and
stop them from worrying that their adoption
is failing.

show children how to deal with anger, for

example, or sorrow or disappointment by
talking about their feelings, and talking
about what they are doing about them. It
is part of the lifelong parenting job.
Family Focus strongly believes that the
more families and workers understand
and see inducement as a healthy
adoption dynamicthe more the adoption
field, like the children, will thrive.
Maris Blechner acted as the Executive Director of
Family Focus Adoption Services for 26 years, and
continues to serve as a knowledge and information
resource for the agency.
From Adoptalk, published by the North American
Council on Adoptable Children, 970 Raymond
Avenue, Suite 106, St. Paul, MN 55114; 651-6443036; www.nacac.org

An Alternatives to Violence
Project
possible
through
collaboration
with
the Tehama
County
Department
Social Services
An Alternatives
to made
Violence
project,
madeapossible
through
partnership
with
the Tehama
CountyofPermanency
Team.

BOREDOM BUSTERS
Can You Find Your Way?

start

end

Back to School Word Find TIC-TAC

T W T F L S L H1
R C N X J D K Q1
R S P O R T S X1
G W Y I N U R O1
I O S N D P V S1
N P L Q G P P I1
T D E L S X O X1
H P X K I J L U1
J T Z G Y V I W1
A X A J X J W T1
Q S H M A K T K1
N F V U Z I O C1
L A Y G G E T G1
T K R U R X H J1
I O O N Y A A X1
Z U A Y X T D G1
S N V H W Y H E1
H M H C H J C C1
R R Z I E W U K1
K R O W E M O H1

C K W N D X Z S U V N T
F L U E G I U R J W O M
B X E O P C S N K W M H
M U R E S H J Y G H W Y
Y F S Q L V G F L Q O C
D Q T T O F X Z U E S M
S G E Z Z N Y S D L F F
N E N E A O B Q D G U H
L L I H A C O Q N H B B
P Q D S X B H R E P Q P
Q D A K L L W E I M W E
M V E R Y D H Z R B Z V
Y F R O E H Q Z F B P L
B M U W Q S O C O L L Y
N R X S K K K X Q K B G
M B W Z I F X O H Z I X
E W Y V W O U J J T Q N
S R K P L I C N E P T N
U D C L E D X G Q W S B
L E D Z B R O J L H M T

Together on Purpose August 2016

READING
FRIENDS

TOE

SPORTS
HOMEWORK
BUS
GRADES
FUN
MATH
PENCIL

An Alternatives to Violence Project made

5 possible

 An Alternatives to Violence Project made possible through a collaboration with the Tehama County Department of Social Services

AUG

2016
R E S O U R C E S , N E W S & I N F O R M AT I O N F O R A D O P T I V E FA M I L I E S I N T E H A M A C O U N T Y

It's not too late to get your ...

FREE STARBUCKS GIFT CARD

See inside for details!

1805 Walnut Street Red Bluff, California 96080

Alternatives to Violence