By Jeannie May and Dr Stuart Aitken

L i v i n g S p h e r e

www.livingsphere.com
The Living Sphere website is a unique resource for people living with Herpes
and also their partners and family, support group members and managers,
counsellors and medical professionals.
Features of the site include: informative articles, real life stories, interviews,
peer support service, videos, downloads, and the Dear Jeannie column.

www.livingspheredating.com
Over 400 million people are affected
by herpes (HSV) and other STIs
around the world. If you are one of
them, this is the dating site for you!
On LivingSphereDating.com you
dont have to worry about being
rejected on the basis of your STI.
You can meet others in the same
situation who understand what its like
to live with an STI.
Having an STI does not mean the end
of your love life. You can still find love
and romance and live a fulfilling life.

www.livingspherecommunity.com
The Living Sphere Community is
a private social network for people
living with herpes. You have your own
profile page that you can customise,
and your own blog.
The community also features forums,
event calendar, groups, chatroom,
photos and videos.
Membership is completely free,
so join now and start connecting
with other people who are living with
herpes too.
 The follwing information is an extract from the book The Living
Sphere Guide to Herpes written by Jeannie May, herpes
awareness campaigner and peer support provider and Dr Stuart
Aitken, sexual health physician.

Dating and relationships

Will I ever date again?
Some people think that once they have herpes they can
only ever date people who have it too; some try to carry
on as normal and refrain from sexual activities during
outbreaks so no one will know they have it; others
believe that catching herpes means the end of their love
life, period!
Realistically, what are the options?
1. Denial - carry on as normal
2. Withdrawal - stop dating altogether and embrace
celibacy
3. Limitation choosing to only date others with
herpes
4. Honesty - informing people before becoming
intimate with them
Denial - Ignorance is bliss . . .or is it?
Yes, some people do simply choose to ignore the fact
that they have herpes, they continue to date and have
sex as they wish without disclosing that they have
herpes. Some, unfortunately, even continue to place
their partner's and their own health at risk by not using
safer sex practices.
Carrying on with life as normal might make a person feel
OK in the short term, but in the long term, the fear of
being found out and exposed will take its toll. Feelings
of guilt about possibly transmitting the virus during an
active asymptomatic phase can have a negative impact
on people who choose this path.
Choosing a 'head in the sand' approach to dealing
The Living Sphere Guide to with having the herpes virus does no one any good
Herpes (extract) 2009 - not the person with herpes, nor the people who are
Jeannie May and Dr Stuart
Aitken
unknowingly being exposed to it.
Page 3
 Consider how you felt when you first found out that you
had caught herpes. Was the person you contracted
herpes from aware that they had it? Did they inform you
of the facts and explain the risks clearly? Or were they
unaware that they had it themselves? Would you have
preferred to have been informed of the situation before
you placed your health at risk?
Note: You should be aware that if you do not inform your
sexual partners of your STI status there may be legal
implications and repercussions.
Withdrawal - Herpes Hermits!
The emotional impact of contracting a life long
contagious virus like herpes can be quite traumatic,
some people are so affected by it that they literally
withdraw from all relationships, becoming social hermits.
Whilst not only reinforcing the negative stigma, this
acceptance of enforced celibacy does not help the
individual to come to terms with having herpes or learn
to manage the condition in a helpful manner.
Contracting herpes can have a huge impact on a
person's self-esteem and self-confidence. People may
feel like 'damaged goods' - unworthy and unattractive.
They may choose not to pursue future relationships,
mistakenly believing that no one would ever want them,
they may become dependant on internet support groups
for their social interactions and be unwilling to socialise
with people in the real world.
Rebuilding self-confidence is extremely important.
Herpes support group social functions can be beneficial
in getting people back out there, meeting new people,
talking about their condition, forging new friendships and
possibly even new relationships.
You have to learn to put herpes in perspective:
It's not about

you +

The Living Sphere Guide to It's about the multi-faceted, uniquely interesting
Herpes (extract) 2009 individual that you are, who happens to have a minor
Jeannie May and Dr Stuart
Aitken health issue, herpes.
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 Limitation Herpes Dating
Some people believe that since they have herpes
they should limit all their future relationships to people
who also have herpes. People choose this option for
many reasons: some cannot face having 'the talk' with
potential new dates or partners; some are so afraid of
the possible rejection that they are not prepared to even
try explaining their STI status to a potential lover; some
believe that it would simply be too difficult to live with the
constant fear of passing on the virus; and some believe
that it is too much to ask of another human being - to
accept them as they are, herpes and all!
It's up to the individual what they feel comfortable with
and how they choose to live their life. For those who
prefer dating within the herpes community there are
many online dating services which specifically cater
for this. You can also get to know people through the
various online support groups, just be aware of what
their individual policy is on posting singles adverts or
messages on the forums.
Whilst the numbers with herpes are growing all the time,
choosing only to date others with the same virus does
severely limit your choices, and, it is definitely not the
only option.
Honesty its the best policy
Telling someone that you have herpes is not an easy
task at any stage of a relationship, but if you respect
a person and wish to build a strong and trusting
relationship then it is imperative that you do so.
Obviously it is best to discuss your STI status before
you become intimate, remembering that it is not just
your herpes you need to talk about, but also Safer Sex
and sexual health in general.
If you are already in an intimate relationship with
someone who you have not disclosed your STI status
to, then you must be prepared for a possible negative
reaction to the news, and the fact that you have chosen
not to inform them previously. Many people have found
that when they have chosen to bring the topic up early
The Living Sphere Guide to in the relationship (before sexual intimacy), the other
Herpes (extract) 2009 person has found their honesty, trust and respect a very
Jeannie May and Dr Stuart
Aitken positive reflection on the value they place in the person
Page 5
and the relationship.
 What about casual sex?
Not everyone is seeking a permanent or serious
relationship, there are many people whose dating style
is more casual and short-term based.
It is your responsibility and your choice whether to tell or
not in this type of scenario. In casual situations telling is
probably going to seriously affect your success rate! And
if alcohol or drugs are involved, you have to ask yourself
if the resultant decision could actually be termed an
'informed decision' anyway.
The most important thing you can do is reduce the risk
of transmitting the virus as much as you can. Ensure
that you always practice safer sex, remembering that
it can never be 100% 'safe'. Suppressive therapy with
an antiviral medication has been proven to reduce
asymptomatic shedding of the virus, and reduce
transmission in the case of valaciclovir. Abstain from
sexual contact when you have symptoms of herpes as
you will be shedding virus, probably from several sites.
Even if you do all of these, there is no guarantee that
you will not pass the virus on.
You may also need to consider the potential legal
repercussions of choosing not to tell your sexual
partners that you have the herpes virus.
Sex, love and happiness is your right
As human beings we are all entitled to experience love,
sex and intimacy.
Having herpes does not mean that you are no longer
entitled to those things. It does not mean that you are
worth less than those who do not have it. It does not
mean that you must embrace a life of solitude and
celibacy.
Real relationships flourish and fail based on far more
important issues than a mere virus. No one should allow
herpes to define who they are, who they may love or
who may love them.

The Living Sphere Guide to

Herpes (extract) 2009
Jeannie May and Dr Stuart
Aitken
Page 6
 Having The Talk
Telling someone you have herpes is commonly referred
to as having the talk, but the reality is we should all be
having the Safer Sex talk because its not just about
herpes.
Deciding when to have the talk can be difficult.
Obviously if you are into one-night stands, theres not a
big timeframe to get that discussion in. In this situation
though, practicing Safer Sex is recommended - there
are a lot of other things you can catch besides herpes.
When you are dating and getting to know someone,
ideally you would discuss Safer Sex at some point
before you become intimate. There are no hard and
fast rules. Some people have personal rules, like no
sex before the fourth date, and others simply go with
the flow, becoming intimate when it feels right. The
important thing is that you do discuss it at some point.
If you dont talk about Safer Sex or your opinions on it,
and you find yourself naked and ready to go, but the
other person isnt whipping out a condom or waiting for
you to do so, and they appear to expect things to just
simply go ahead. . . its time to put on the brakes.
Unromantic? Yes.
Spoiling the mood? Maybe.
But whats worse Safer Sex in a moment, or even on
another occasion. . . or risking who knows what right
now?
Its your choice. Never forget that. It is your choice. If
they are not prepared to practice Safer Sex then you
can exercise your right to choose not to have sex.

The content in this document is copyright. It may not be

reproduced in any format without written approval of the authors.
For more information about the book, please visit the Living
Sphere website: www.livingsphere.com or contact the authors at:
The Living Sphere Guide to
Herpes (extract) 2009 info@livingsphere.com.
Jeannie May and Dr Stuart
Aitken
Page 7