Thomas

McKenzie Thomas
Jennifer Rodrick
English 115
2 October 2016
Blog Post 4
Growing up, I had multiple, conflicting forces shaping my identity. I had my mother, who
was kind, gentle, and supportive. Every other weekend, I had my father, who was extremely
strict and religious, intimidating, and narrow-minded. During the weekdays with my mom, I
would cherish every moment I had with her. I looked up to her in every way and hoped to
become a woman as strong as her. While all of the other kids at school celebrated Fridays, I
would be dreading the weekend ahead with my dad and my blunt, rude stepmom. These two
polar opposite forces shaped me into an individual with many personality traits, many of which
did not accurately represent the person I really was. I used to become hurt, angered, and upset
very easily, while simultaneously being very caring and kind. When, at the end of eighth grade, I
decided to tell my father that I no longer wished to visit him, I had to deal with a slew of court
dates and monitored visits and conjoint therapy sessions that made me feel helpless and scared.
However, for about 5 months after telling my dad I didnt want to visit any longer, I got a break
from seeing him. My confidence was boosted, my self-esteem rose, and my outlook on life
became significantly brighter. At this point, I began to realize that who I was as an individual
was not dependent on how my father made me feel. After all the court dates and the monitored
visits and the conjoint therapy sessions, the situation with my dad did get better. However, I
knew this period of better times would not last forever, as I began to realize a new, major part of
my identity.

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In high school, I struggled with friendships. A friend I had made in eight grade suddenly
stopped speaking to me towards the end of that same school year. I wondered what was wrong
with me, and what I could have done to cause such a rift in our friendship. She came back into
my life in ninth grade, never giving me a real reason for her actions. Soon after she tried to
become friends with me again, she joined my group of friends, who I had known since
elementary school. For reasons I still do not understand, she became the leader of that group and
decided not to invite me to any activities with them anymore. I was socially isolated, and I could
not even begin to understand why. This pattern of passive aggressive bullying continued for
years, but created a very resilient aspect of my personality. I now know how to be alone. This
may sound sad, but it has allowed me to get in touch with who I am and how I feel much more
effectively than ever before.
But, back to the topic of my father. The situation with him had improved significantly,
and for that I was extremely thankful. I no longer had issues with temperament and irritability as
I did in elementary and junior high school. My personality reflected a much truer version of
myself, one that was similar to my moms. But still, because of the same part of myself that told
me I would not experience better days with my father forever, in my everyday life, I had to filter
my speech around my closet friends and family. A large part of my identity and personality was
disguised by the fear of what the influential people in my life would think of me.
After high school I went on to college at Lewis and Clark College in Oregon. I was so
excited to make new friends who would more positively impact my identity and the way I felt
about myself. I wanted to be my true self there. But, once I was there, I had an awful feeling that
I had made the wrong move. After an agonized few days of self-reflection, I decided to come
home. I was burnt-out and just simply tired. The stresses of the first 18 years of my life had

Thomas

caught up to me. I went home feeling ashamed and frightened for my future. Yet, somewhere
deep down, I knew my life was calling me in another direction. That September, I decided that I
needed to be myself in the place it mattered most before being myself in an unfamiliar place like
college. After a casual conversation on the phone with my dad on September 18, 2015, my dad
asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I said yes. I then did the
unthinkable. I uttered the words I didnt think would escape my lips for at least five more years:
Dad, Im gay.
It will be a year since I have seen or spoken to my father on October 9th. And, I hate to
say it, but this past year has been the best year of my life. My mom and my cousin have been the
main people in my surroundings, and this has had an incredible impact on my identity. They are
both extremely supportive of me and have constantly reminded me that who I naturally am could
never be wrong.
To conclude probably the longest blog post I will ever write, I will say this: I am
incredibly thankful for my mother, my father, my cousin, and my ex-friend because they have
taught me hundreds of lessons about life, and most importantly they have created me. I would
not be the person I am today if it were not for these positive, negative, confusing, hurtful,
incredible, and wonderful influences.