A Service of Dr. Val Karan - 558 Anderson Avenue - Cliffside Park, N.J. 07010 - (201) 943-2726 -http;//karan4u-info.blogspot.com/ - Karan4U@aol.

com - Jan. 2016

KARAN 4U NEWSLETTER
Elder Abuse and Grandparent Alienation
Sadly, millions of older Americans are victims of
elder abuse each year; government statistics suggest
that as many as one out of every ten people 60 and
older suffers intentional physical, emotional or sexual abuse. These statistics do not even include the
large number of senior citizens who have been
cheated or financially exploited, often by their own
children.
There may well have been incidents of elder abuse
when I was a young boy growing up in the Midwest
after World War II. But what I saw directly in my
own family and all around me was not an aversion
but rather a reverence for elders. I remember having
to move from one city to another when I was seven
years old, and this was so that my father could live
closer to his parents who needed his care and supervision. A few years later, my maternal grandparents
came to live with us. At one point we even rented a
room in our house to Mrs. Becker, an elder boarder.
I saw the same pattern in the homes of my cousins in
Chicago and other cities where grandparents either
lived with their children or very close by. My wife
reports a similar situation in her family as her maternal grandmother lived with her through her formative years.
Social scientist like myself can uncover reasons why
elders in earlier times were viewed less as a burden
and more as a duty. Was it due to economic necessity? I can certainly affirm that this may have been a
factor since both parents could work if a grandparent
was around to cook and take care of the children.
Was it due to a shorter lifespan? Instead of the age
defying, youthful looking seniors of today, the elders
I remember as a child seemed frailer, helpless and
more in need of care and compassion. In short, they
needed us, and we needed them as well.
This is not to say that the elders of my youth or even
my own grandparents were perfect role models. For
sure, my mother's mother, Bubbe Fanny, would have
been a unanimous first ballot choice for Grand-

mother Hall Of Fame. She raised three daughters

and worked
side-by-side
with
my
grandfather
on
their
farm
in
Canada, and
he could be
a harsh and
difficult
person
at
t i m e s .
When she lived with us, which was, unfortunately,
a short time because she died of brain cancer, I
don't believe I ever met a person who was more
kind or patient than Bubbe Fanny.
Yet it didn't matter if our grandparents were unsaintly, quirky, or irascible. It didn't even matter to
some people I know if their grandparents were
abusive or abandoned their families for long
stretches of time. What did matter was when these
elders were around, they were welcomed into our
homes and treated with deference and respect. We
accepted them as they were, somewhat flawed individuals, but still able to enrich our lives and
also possibly help out in times of need.
Fast forward to modern times, and attitudes have
changed radically. Thankfully, some of this
change is positive: just as religious institutions no
longer protect pedophiles or abusers, so, too, families no longer tolerate cruel or toxic members who
have done terrible things such as perpetrating
physical and verbal abuse. It is accepted practice
to turn our backs completely on an abusive parent,
because such a parent will be a bad influence on
the grandchildren.
Grandparent Alienation Syndrome
Notwithstanding, what I am seeing more and more
in my clinical practice nowadays is an insidious

A Service of Dr. Val Karan - 558 Anderson Avenue - Cliffside Park, N.J. 07010 - (201) 943-2726 - Karan4U@aol.com - January 2016

form of elder abuse that has been called Grandparent

Alienation Syndrome or GAS. This involves situations in which grandparents are marginalized or outrightly banned from contact with their grandchildren,
often for no apparent reason. Do you know what you
will find if you search for evidence of abuse, addictions, untreated mental illness, suspected personality
disorders, or deliberate and repeated undermining of
parental decisions? Quite simply, zilch.
Occasionally rationalizations are given for cutting off
the grandparents, although they're not very compelling. Sometimes it is blamed on grudges dating back to
when the parents were young and things were said,
often in the heat of arguments, that shouldn't have
been said (" This is payback time. ") Sometimes if
there was marital conflict or divorce, it is a way of
blaming or punishing a parent perceived to have been
in the wrong ("You should not have left my mom.")
Sometimes it is a conflict over money or possessions
("I'm entitled to those jewels"). Sometimes it's blamed
on differing religious or political beliefs or values
("I'm not comfortable with the man you're marrying to
replace my father. ")
It has also been postulated that the frenetic pace of the
lives of young families today and the services available to them also erode the connection with the older
generation. There is no time for Grandma and
Grandpa, and they are not as needed as before.
What is happening is often just Kafkaesque and inexplicable. Grandparents - even those who were devoted
to their children and grandchildren, who enjoyed what
seemed to be close relationships, who made no egregious mistakes out of the ordinary - are summarily denied contact with their beloved grandchildren. Grandparents' phone calls and letters are unanswered, their
gifts are not acknowledged, and they are treated as disposable commodities. Even worse, this alienating attitude is overtly or covertly transmitted to the grandchildren: the targeted grandparent is erased in the heart
and mind of the child or is even portrayed as unloving,
unsafe, and unavailable.
This problem of grandparent alienation syndrome is so
widespread that there is even a nationwide twelve-step
program called Alienated Grandparents Anonymous, or AGA, which is based in Florida but operates
in many other states.

It is especially troubling to me as an Orthodox Jew

that many of the young people who are abusing
their elders in this way are members in good standing in prominent Orthodox synagogues. The same
children who are being programmed to shun their
grandparents are sent to prominent Orthodox day
schools and Israeli Yeshivot. Shouldn't people of
faith realize more than others that honor and compassion for those who brought us into the world is a
divine mandate?
Therapeutic Approaches
As a grandfather and therapist, I will continue to
educate people about all types of elder abuse and
will encourage counseling and treatment to cope
with personal and family problems that contribute
to any abuse. I know full well that grandparents can
derive tremendous pleasure from relationships with
grandchildren and can suffer terrible pain and loss
when those relationships are disrupted or prevented.
If an alienating parent consents to see me with or
without the scapegoated grandparent, I try to listen
for underlying, unresolved feelings of pain, heartache, and longing masquerading as anger and selfrighteousness. Alienating sons and daughters need
to be fully heard and understood by their parents if
there is to be any hope of repair and reconciliation,
and I aim to facilitate that dialogue.
Meanwhile, I teach relaxation exercises and detachment strategies to senior citizens who are experiencing grandparent alienation to help them cope. I
may refer them to support groups. I also advise
them to continue periodic letters, e-mail messages
or phone calls even when they are rejected. I encourage observant women to light candles for each
of their grandchildren and to pray for their wellbeing. Above all, I counsel the grandparents to take
care of themselves and to go on with their lives as
best they can.
The good news is that not all grandchildren who are
exposed to these alienation strategies succumb to
the pressure. Experts on parental estrangement report that working with such families combines
skills akin to wrestling with alligators and tenderly
rocking the vulnerable children in each party. Bottom line: relationships can be mended even with
alienated children although it takes time, patience
and a persistent effort.