The Love of Three Oranges 25 the LV. bags and then pretends to throw it at TARTAGLIA.) Think fast! (This also gets no reaction from TARTAGLIA.) Give mea break. Not even a tiny bit funny? TARTAGLIA. (Whines:) No! It was loud and boring. It gave me hives and Athlete’s foot. And since you've been here I think [am develop- ing dandruff. Who the hell are you anyway? TRUFFALDINO. Who am I? [am the internationally famous clown and wandering court jester, Truffaldino. I'm the father of farce. The lord of laughter. The sultan of shtick. I'm your standup comedian, your slapstick cartoon hero, and the soul of commedia dellarte all blended together with a dash of pizzazz and a bit of old school goof- iness for a milk shake of comedic delight. Only now that I think of it, Tm not really that much like a milk shake because that is cold and I, your hypochondriacal highness, am red hot! Imake everyone laugh. TARTAGLIA. Well you don’t make me laugh. Don't quit your day job just yet. (Turns over as if he is going to sleep.) (TRUFEALDINO makes motion like he going to strangle TART- AGLIA. NARRATOR clears his throat loudly. TRUFFALDINO hears him, checks himself and composes himself, TRUFFALDINO. Let me feel your pulse. (TARTAGLIA resists but he manages to grab his wrist.) Just as I thought. Normal. TARTAGLIA. It is NOT normal! My throat hurts and I (He starts coughing’) .. .phlegm!...phlegm!... [have to spit...quick, get the... (TRUFFALDINO gets the spittoon for him; TARTAGLIA spits into it. TRUFFALDINO examines the contents of the spittoon.) TRUFFALDINO. Oh, that was lovely. (Sounds of music and people talk- ing and laughing are heard offstage.) Do you hear that your highness? They are having a ball and feast in your honor! Wouldn't you like to go? TARTAGLIA. A feast, eh? No way in hell. A feast in my condition? Im very sick and have to stay in bed near my medicines. My precious.. (TARTAGLIA hugs his medicine bottles to him. TRUFFALDI- NO looks ready to give up and gestures to the NARRATOR that the situation is hopeless. The NARRATOR indicates that TRUF- FALDINO will be in big trouble if he does not comply.)